The Chronicles of the Virago: Book II The Apprentus

Michael Bialys

Makenna adjusts to her new role as "The Virago, protector of her twin siblings, destined to lead our world into its next age of enlightenement.

Makenna Gold is adjusting to her new role as the Protector of Protector, Defender of Defenders, "The Virago." Tasked with protecting her newborn twin siblings, Emi amd Noah. The twins are destined to lead our world into its next age of hope and enlightenement. Makenna has won her first few battles, but the forces of evil are relentless, they will do anything to capture the twins and destroy the future of the world. This time Makenna must battle in a strange land as well as complete her training from a very mysterious new mentor.

report abuse

read the book

back the book

add to watchlist

rate the book

to rate this book please Register or Login

tags

, faeries, fairy, fantasy, makenna, teen read, virafo, virago

on 0 bookshelves

on 2 watchlists

3 comments

To leave comments on this or any book please Register or Login

Vigorio wrote 1154 days ago

I agree with some of Eisley's comments. I love the humor and kids will, too. Death is perfect, don't change a thing. I also like the pitch black room - it works for me. She's right about the thoughts being in italics only. I think with some critical-eyed editing you could tighten this up into a great story. The flow is there. Kids will love the banter. I'll keep this on my watchlist and read more later.
Rebecca

report abuse

EisleyJacobs wrote 1154 days ago

Hi there :) I am starting your MS today and first thing I notice is that when you have a character thinking, you do not need the quotation marks around their thoughts. Just use the italics. But in a few places you have both italics and quotations and then an action... but then you have only quotes no italics.

I am not sure how detailed you want your critique to be, so I will just make a few general notes. The story is good but there is a lot of redundancy. The second paragraph says MacKenna had been sleeping for hours and then in the very next sentence it says it was two in the morning. Which would mean that she had already been sleeping a few hours before being awoken. Several times in the first page I picked up on similar phrases. School and studies are really the same thing. Etc.

When the closet is opening and she decided to catch the person by surprise, it seems to me like she is being naive. If someone is truly going to attack her, shouldn't she at least have the Redeemer in her grasp?

The paragraph that starts "She sprang into action..." it very rough and choppy. It needs to be tightened and reworded. The action is fine, but it doesn't flow.

The paragraph that starts out with the Grim saying, "Well, yes and no." is hilarious. You can really see his character in these words.

"in the pitch black depths of the night." is a nice phrase that maybe can be used elsewhere, but I find it out of place while they are in her room.

The grim is obviously a comedian, but I think you might have overdone him a little ;) But he is funny.

At the end of this first chapter, I see your story could use some more of you combing through. I am still not sure what a Virago is. It might be helpful to launch into what one is and why she has to guard the kids.

Good luck in your polishing, its a long long process and your MS will thank you for it! :)

report abuse

bialys wrote 1164 days ago

report abuse