Book Jacket

 

rank 38
word count 66263
date submitted 18.03.2009
date updated 06.02.2012
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Young Adult, Pop...
classification: adult
incomplete

The Cheech Room

Liz Hoban

A teenage girl disappears during a blizzard and is found dead months later in a neighbor's yard. Are the neighbor's teenage sons guilty of murder?

 

Nestled in the Vermont countryside, the Duncan family has been lulled by the comforts of rural anonymity. Jillian Duncan, a widowed mom, is doing her best to raise two rambunctious teenage sons. One early spring morning, their lives drastically change when their dog comes to the back door and drops a finger on the doormat.

The finger belongs to Lindy Mason, an abused, 15-year-old neighbor authorities assumed ran away months before, when she disappeared during a snowstorm. Lindy was last seen in a hangout in the Duncan’s basement dubbed by the local teenagers as The Cheech Room. It smells of vanilla candles and puberty but reeks of a secret that can't possibly be kept.

Before Jillian can contact the police, the body disappears. She is then forced to confront a troubling secret from her late husband’s past while trying to stay one step ahead of a relentless detective bent on proving her sons played a role in Lindy’s disappearance.

Challenged by how far she will go to honor her husband, protect her sons and still do the right thing, Jillian will sooner die than destroy the only people she has ever loved.

 
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tags

abuse, basement, blizzard, cheech, choices, concerts, death, drugs, humorous, love, moral, murder, rock and roll, secrets, sex, suspense, teenagers, t...

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886 comments

 

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GeekMaiella wrote 345 days ago

Holy shit, Liz, you've got it.

That intro was perfect. I'm not one to gush. But goddamn, that was good.

Everything after is excellent. The descriptions are exact without being wordy. I didn't read it, I experienced it through sight, smell, sound, and touch. Wonderful.

My thoughts are few:
-dialogue with Mason feels slower than it would happen live. (Your MC is out there a long time in a tee shirt.)
-It may be a small town, but Mason threatening the kids screams for police intervention. Not sure why it wasn't considered.
-The last segment of part three, Jillian didn't come off as furious at Trey as I thought she would for lying and for provoking the crazy drunk neighbor. Seemed like she was letting Trey off with a light scolding and ineffectual punishment.

And part four- Finger on the doormat? Sold.

You won't need luck for this. It'll make it.
Six stars and backed. Thank you very much for sharing!

-Geek
The Exhausted Dead

skaterwriter wrote 339 days ago

This is the best book I have read on this site. You've nailed the whole pop-culture theme...love the line about the Beatles and the Grateful Dead and how today's music sucks- Trey's persepctive is so right-on for this millenium! Let's get this on the ED-ASAP!!

Skater

jossiemarie wrote 497 days ago

I really love this and can't wait to read more, in fact i nearly cried when I saw there was no more left for me to read, this really should be publish it flows so well and you really give a great feel for the characters, I was completely absorbed.
please please please, let me know if you add more.
or if it is published, so I can go straight out and buy it :) i already backed it but am planning to start a list of books that I love on here and this will def be on that list.

Serenity Wickford wrote 600 days ago

Wow, you had me hooked with your pitch! I agree with Sam, don't understand why your book hasn't been published yet, it is an awesome, powerful read.
Serenity

leeconnor wrote 3 hours ago

Liz, it's really good! Fully deserving of its high ranking.

Even the blurb on the front page made me want to read it. I'm a few chapters in and will read on

Lee Connor
"Elton: The Different Kookaburra"

Greenleaf wrote 17 hours ago

Hi Liz, I've read all that you have posted on here and love it. Very suspenseful, creative, well-written. You have created interesting characters with believable dialogue. Great descriptions with just the right details. Wonderful reading.

Susan/Greenleaf (Chameleon)

Lacydeane wrote 2 days ago

I would buy this book. Your opening actually made me cry, and the rest of your book continued to draw me in. You are an excellent writer and I thoroughly enjoyed your work. Great job. Rated high. Many blessings.

Sinya L. Anweledig wrote 3 days ago

I love this book. I am totally hooked. More please!

jsault2003 wrote 3 days ago

Prologue
The first sentence of your work is an effective hook as it is successful in creating the curiosity needed to pull the reader into the Prologue.

The Prologue raises several questions about the character as it should. Why is Lindy handcuffed? What is the relationship with her father? Why is she out in the snow? Now I’m looking for answers.

Part 1
…the usual whining laments; “C’mon Professor D.,” and “but you love us.” These are quotes from other characters and as quotes would be enclosed by quotation marks.

…detritus…Maybe it’s just my ignorance, but I prefer simpler words that make it easy to connect with the reader instead of sending them to a dictionary that has the undesired effect of interrupting the reading process.

Loved these phrases…knotted together by the back door as if caught eloping…and …precariously propped against the kitchen island waiting to kill her.

An hour later and head and shoulders dusty with snow,…may be better as…An hour later with head and shoulders dusty with snow,…alternating conjunctions to show dexterity with language.

I like the way you develop the character of Jillian. The information about her relationship with her children, her brother-in-law, and the amount of time since Patrick died is very effective in endearing her to the reader.

As the outside, lights faded to darkness…should be…As the outside lights faded to darkness,…

Jillian turned and gave her son a look that said; (“)Shut the hell up.(”)

The Prologue has set the stage very effectively for the remainder of the book. There are minimal punctuation and grammatical errors that contribute to the Prologue being very clean. Your ability to write such clean and griping prose places you on my list as an above-average writer.

Part 2
The length of time the dog spent braving the elements commando…The sentence just doesn’t flow as well for me with the word “commando” in it as it does without that word.

…her dog’s murderous tendencies with; it’s in her breed. That should be…;”It’s in her breed.”

“…I need to call the police but first I need to prepare myself for the ramifications!”…should be “…I need to call the police, but first, I need to…”

Your storyline is developing into a very question-filled mystery at this point.

…bushing his hands one or twice to charade the deed was done. “Charade” is not the best word to use here unless regional dialect overrules standard English.

What’s wrong with this picture?...should be in italics because it is a thought.

…opening a can of worms… I suggest staying away from clichés until after you’ve been published a few times. Your first attempt at publication is an attempt to impress (the agent as well as the publisher) and clichés don’t assist that effort.

You paint a very vivid picture of the dilemma Jillian is in between doing what is right and protecting her family. It’s enough to evoke some sympathy from the reader and any emotional connection between reader and a character is a reward.

Where was Lindy Mason’s body…another thought that requires italics.

…the last two decades of her life (to) being a mother.

…what she saw was so much worse then (than) she imagined.

Your dedication to your craft is evident.

I love the descriptive power of your prose and took the liberty of writing down a few phrases that I may put to use (with your permission) in the future.

There is another potential problem, that being the length of the piece you have submitted to this site. Your writing is tight, but your chapters are exceptionally long.
I noticed that your word count is currently at 66,263 and you have less than six chapters offered. It makes me wonder about the final word count once the book is completed. Too much manuscript will face the same problem with agents and publishers as too little manuscript…that being rejection.

Considering everything mentioned, I must say that I’m impressed. I think what you’ve produced merits 5 stars for the quality of writing and it would have been six except for the concerns listed above. This definitely goes on my shelf.

jsault2003

JKass wrote 3 days ago

"Holy shit, Liz, you've got it."
Yup he pretty much had it right.

George Richmond-Scott wrote 4 days ago

The opening is great. I love the descriptions of the weather. I have never been to Vermont but feel like I have a real sense of it from your writing. Looking forward to reading some more later.
George

George Richmond-Scott wrote 4 days ago

The opening is great. I love the descriptions of the weather. I have never been to Vermont but feel like I have a real sense of it from your writing. Looking forward to reading some more later.
George

FrancesK wrote 5 days ago

This opens so well. the first chapter had me totally hooked... but the power Charlie has over Jillian and his manipulation of the event, just didn't strike me as credible. And getting rid of a body, in this day and age of DNA, is a sure fire recipe for disaster. The relationship between Jillian and her sons is believable and complex, but for me the interest would have been in how that relationship was tested once the law was involved. I think Jillian was right and she should have called the police! I loved the atmospheric description of Vermont in the winter but I'm sorry, the way the story went just did not hold me.

Zerin Mewa wrote 15 days ago

Not normally my type of genre but sheeessshh this is good, your first few lines drew me in instantly and the descriptions are spot on. I've placed you on my WL and WISH I had space on my BS. In the mean time I will continue to read and comment and for the first two chapters have rated you a 6! :-)

Neil Boultby wrote 21 days ago

Hi Liz...I have just read the first two chapters and I am very interested in the story. I want to know what happens next and intend to read more later once the housework is done!!! I noticed one typo I think....where Jillian puts on her pajamas...not sure if it should read "climbed" into bet and not climb.
What I have read is brilliant and the way you describe the weather made me feel cold tucked up in a warm bed!!! You've done it perfectly.
Best of luck and can't wait to read more xxxx

Candymace wrote 22 days ago

Awesome pitch and an eye-catching cover drew me in. I wasn't disappointed! Gripping read with super dialogue. I felt the cold North East U.S. winter! Put it on my shelf and will read more. Candy.

Alaric Gee wrote 23 days ago

Just read the first 2 chaps. Wow! Great use of words. Viivid descriptions. So realistically done. This plot is tasty. It beckons me to read more. The first chap is excellent. I need some tips from you, please. Check out my piece: The Butterfly and the Boll Weevil. Your constructive comments are welcomed.

Kate Buchanan wrote 26 days ago

Riveting storyline - will do my best to have a read, but backed it based on the pitch alone. Sounds like one I would read and will draw in a large thriller audience. All the best - Kate (Jenny's Rain & A Spring Rain)

Noelle J. Alabaster wrote 27 days ago

YARG review!!
Hi Liz,
I've read the first five chapters. Wow. You are really good at creating tension and keeping it going. I think this book may be too adult for a young adult book. You could probably knock it down to YA by cutting back on the language. But you could pitch it as YA either way. Terrifying and horrifying, this is a well-written book that any agent or publisher representing crime/thriller/horror is sure to snatch up.
Noelle J. Alabaster "Dark Origins"

vmorr wrote 28 days ago

This is going straight on the shelf as soon as I have space! As good as your pitch, and better. I hope this one makes it.

David J Baron wrote 31 days ago

Hi Liz

Will definitively have a nose through this as I have a few spaces on my book shelf and WL. Would you be so kind as to have a quick look at my book - The List. Feel free to leave a comment.
ta very much.

David J Baron

Caitlin Avery wrote 33 days ago

Ok, so I reluctantly removed a book I think is really good, from my shelf, to make a space for yours!! The books on my shelf are those I absolutely want to read in their entirety. So you better get writing again, and finish that sucker--I see you have a penchant for abondoning projects. You have so many good comments, and 90 bookshelves! Don't sell yourself short Liz...
ps. I have a job, a husbans, a 3 year old, and a dog that needs walking--so I totally understand the time limits of life. No excuses--just write, so we can get to the bottom of this fabulous story!!!!

Caitlin Avery wrote 33 days ago

oh yeah, this is good. Highly starred and awaiting an available space on my shelf. Nice Job!! Caitlin Avery, Lightning in my Wires

Hege Nabo wrote 34 days ago

Oh wow, I read straight through all you've posted here without pause for lunch! I hope it gets published very soon (no doubt in my mind it will get published) so I can read the rest.

/Hege - The Silver Bell

AndrewStevens wrote 37 days ago

I really enjoyed this, Liz. Highly starred and on my shelf.

I remember reading and enjoying this when I was on the site a couple of years ago and it’s just as involving and atmospheric second time around. The prose is clear and uncluttered but not lacking in colour or depth. Some of the descriptive passages (especially re the Vermont weather and countryside) are sublime and the beauty of the writing contrasts very effectively with the dark, sinister subject matter of the storyline. There’s a tremendous sense of pace to the opening chapters which is just what you need in a novel like this. The prose has a direct, almost filmic quality which really helps to immerse the reader in the moment. Clever stuff.

The dialogue feels real and purposeful and helps flesh out the various characters as well as adding tremendous vibrancy to the scenes. I love the opening ‘quasi-prologue’ chapter – dark and disturbing and with just enough information to intrigue the reader and make them want to read on. I was reminded very much of the openings to the novel ‘The Lovely Bones’ and the Danish version of the TV thriller ‘The Killing’ – a terrifically involving, almost sensory experience. The plot feels well thought-out and multi-layered and should appeal to a broad cross section of readers.

In short, a stylishly written, very involving opening. Thanks and best of luck. A


I made some notes as I went along on the opening two chapters. Please feel free to ignore!!


Observations:

Chapter 1:

‘cut the handcuff off her wrist’ – I like the way you drip feed info in the opening para, slowly revealing to the reader Lindy’s precise predicament but I would’ve liked a bit more detail re the handcuffs. Are they metal, police-style handcuffs? If so, wouldn’t the trucker need bolt cutters or something? If they’re simply rope or plastic then maybe refer to them as simply ‘bindings’ or something similar?

‘illumination of a light’ – a bit of a tautology?? maybe simply ‘make out a light’??

Love the image of the girl mourners adjusting their hair in the reflection of the casket’s brass fittings.

‘When the moisture in her eyes…etc’ – I like this image but maybe rephrase so the subject of the first half matches the second?? eg ‘When her eyes froze, she shut them…’??

‘Without warning, Lindy lost her balance…’ don’t you always lose your balance without warning??

‘slowed to impalpable’ typo??

Love the image of a halo of blood. Disturbing and strangely beautiful.


Chapter 2

‘ice sequined the window’ fabulous line.

‘Earlier in the evening…’ this sentence doesn’t seem to scan??

Maybe use italics for inserts like ‘C’mon Professor D…’ etc??

Compound nouns/adjectives (eg lavender-smeared) need hyphens.

I love all the descriptions of snow, ice, wind etc. Really atmospheric and an excellent backdrop to the story.

‘perspective beds’ ?? maybe ‘respective beds’??

Aesop wrote 37 days ago

Read the first three chapters and liked this start. You’ve studied your craft and it shows. You made me shiver for feeling the cold of a ‘nor’ easter’. Loved ‘Time fell away like dominoes...’

A few comments:

– Second sentence, opening paragraph ... ‘Maneuvering through the snowdrifts was like walking in a thick milkshake...’ suggest she has walked in a thick milkshake and knows what that feels like. You might want to say something along the lines ... ‘Maneuvering through the snowdrifts was what she imagined walking in a thick milkshake might feel like...’

CH 3
– ‘Jillian gave her son a look that said, shut the hell up. ‘(S)hut the hell up’ should be italicased

– ‘Zoey tried to attack Mason’s ankles and he kicked her, sending her reeling breathlessly...’ ‘At’ not needed before ‘kicked’. There are times when split infinitives are necessary, but not here with ‘breathlessly reeling...’ Same with ‘...shamefully folded herself...’ Try ‘...folded herself in shame into the passenger’s seat...’

– ‘...hopefully hiding her heartbeat pulsating through her pajamas...’ How does one’s hearbeat pulsate through one’s pyjamas?

– ‘...but he held only keys...’ should be ‘...but he withdrew only keys...’

A bit more editing and punctuation fixes needed.

All in all, an enjoyable read. Gook luck with it!

Dave Hill wrote 48 days ago

WOW!
Gripped from the opening paragraph!
Have rated and put on watchlist - this is one book i will get back to asap.
Magic
Dave Hill
SEE-SAW

wagid62 wrote 51 days ago

Being a northeasterner, love the Vermont setting. This is a book i would enjoy finishing. Well written and believable characters. They're real. Could almost feel the cold biting at me. can't wait to read more. I wrote a Boston based book myself. If you get a chance, give it a look and tell me what you think.
Wagid62
SERVED COLD

PA Davis wrote 54 days ago

The Cheech Room - by Liz Hoban
I very much enjoyed the beginning, drawn into your story with Lindy's falling accident. I was compelled to read further and found the quality of the writing inviting - such as: "A pair of skates with hockey gloves, as if married, were knotted together and lay on the kitchen floor." The story is littered with these colorful metaphors, making the reading more enjoyable.
The confrontation in the garage was a little hard to follow and slow to develop, but the quality of the storytelling made me continue.
The Cheech Room is a nicely crafted work and deserves the praise.

P Alan Davis
The Red Poppy
Raindancer

trenee812 wrote 58 days ago

I really can't wait to read this book. Really. I was hooked after the first line.

Julio Guzman wrote 58 days ago

You are so clever! The opening chapter is short and sweet but very powerful and well written. I'm a little jealous right now. The reader's feel like they've known Lindy all their lives before she steps into her tragic death. I like how you make it easy for readers to picture what's going on without boring them with too many details. I can't find a single thing wrong with this so far. Six stars!

J.Wickham wrote 69 days ago

I really love this pitch and will be diving in shortly! I really don't know how this book has escaped me (that rock I've been living under). I've WL you and will be putting you on my shelf as soon as I clear a spot Liz.

Regards,

JC Wickham

FRAN MACILVEY wrote 69 days ago

You are a stayer, aren't you? This book has been here almost two years...there isn't much wrong with either your story or your characters, either, so I wonder why it is hanging about.

There is still room for editing, and there may be one or two typos. I also wonder why this book is tagged young adult when in fact it is just a great story that anyone could read. American slang aside, it is engaging and easy to get into. Keep going, girl!

All the best

Fran Macilvey, "Trapped"

D. S. Hale wrote 70 days ago

Your story is excellent, and so is your writing. I had gotten to chapter 6 before I realized what I was doing. Great job holding the reader's interest. I did get a little confused about who was who in the first and second chapter. Even with that, I still couldn't stop reading. You didn't begin to lose me until chapter 6. When she didn't want to call the police, and all the delaying. That didn't seem very realistic when she is obviously a law abiding citizen. Perhaps, to get her fear of Rawley understood, talk to herself/or Trey about needing police protection. Not sure, but it isn't believeable that she didn't call the police right away. Great job, and I'm adding you to my watchlist!

McRae by Nature wrote 72 days ago

Liz, Why hasn't this manuscript made the ED's desk yet? It's been on this site for over two years and it's brilliant!! It just depresses me to see this hanging where it's at. So unfair.

Shelby Z. wrote 73 days ago

A very drawing plot.
The beginning was very dramatic as well as descriptive.
The chapters move alone at a easy pace.

Shelby Z./Driving Winds

gray's-anatomy wrote 79 days ago

Hi Liz, great atmospheric start, draws you in and you want to know more, good description and it especially caught my eye because it's very similar to the start of my book Unquiet Mind. Good luck, hope it keeps climbing for you.

Laura Bailey wrote 85 days ago

Great cover, pitch and intro and you managed to maintain interest, even when you have to drop back a step and provide the reader with a little background information. I couldn't find faulkt with your writing and enjoyed the read! Backed and star rated!

Laura
Beneath The Blossom Tree

triciapixel wrote 88 days ago

I can't believe I just read all your posted chapters in one sitting. I don't think I'll be able to get this story out of my mind. If it was available on bookshelves right now, I'd rush out and buy a copy, then spend the rest of the night finishing the book. This book has non-stop tension that keeps you reading from chapter to chapter.

It amazes me how the only character in the book who is determined to do the right thing is the boy I originally suspected. Jillian is infuriating. While I understand her motivation to protect her family, she reactions are sometimes confusing. If my dog dragged in a finger, I think I would have called 911 automatically. Though I can't always understand her reasoning, I can follow her thought process because you've done a wonderful job developing her character so the reader know knows her intimately.

Through Jillian's eyes, Lindy is just a problem that needs to be solved. Charlie sees her as a poor, abused child, but ultimately, he is the one who cleans up the mess. I don't really feel for Lindy until Miranda is introduced; then my heart breaks for this poor little girl. The hatred I feel for Rawley is all-consuming and I'm hoping he gets what he deserves somewhere in the book.

I can't believe this book hasn't been picked up by a major publisher. Though it isn't my usual read, I found it gripping and impossible to put down. I'm keeping you on my watchlist until I have a spot. Out of everything I've read on this site, your book is one of the most deserving of publication.

Sheilab wrote 89 days ago

oh wow. I absolutely love this. Love, love, love it. I'm trying to think what the prologue reminds me of - ooh can't think but when I do I'll get back to you. This OOZES atmosphere from the outset. I could really feel the snow - fabulous descriptions and utterly gripping.
Prologue works fine in present tense too, btw. Some people moan on about things like that - they're wrong!
Love the way you describe the 'all too familiar lump' rising 'like yeast at the back of her throat'.
Basically, I think this is top stuff. Would I read on? Damn yes. And apologies for the gushing style of this comment - I'm not prone to it normally, I assure you.
On my shelf tomorrow and starred now.
Sheila

Sheilab wrote 90 days ago

Loved the blurb Liz. I've watchlisted this one and hope to get back to you soon
Sheila

Lozzy84 wrote 91 days ago

Liz,

Wow, this is perfect! I read half and would have kept going but sleep called. I will be back to read the rest. This is something I would love to see published.

I gave you six stars, well deserved.

Laura
(The Waves Series)

lyndastyles wrote 93 days ago

The jump-in style of your pitch grabbed my attention and drew me in--I love nothing more than a real, authentic novel for teens. I'm going to get reading...and please check out my own young adult thriller, On Gallows Hill. Thanks & Happy Writing!

SubRon2 wrote 94 days ago

Well, Liz, horrified, I just finished what you have uploaded of "The Cheech Room". Your book is a little hard to put down and I will definitely agree with your genre of "thriller." I also found your book to be at times hugely funny, which is needed to balance the rawness of the rest of it. As far as mechanics I see nothing I can help with, nothing you won't notice upon editing. I did notice, somewhere in C10, you called Jillian "Lindy" My god, that poor girl. I know...it's fiction. Also, I especially appreciated the last paragraph, scene 2, Chapter 8. Also, I like how you turned Charlie into a real man, and compared him to his late brother. Good job on all of it--a good read! I'm going to back your book.
Now, I would like to ask you to take a look at my offering "Daugters"
Thank you,
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 96 days ago

Well, Liz, I finished C. 3 and I'm going to have to come back. Charlie sounds like a comical piece of work that probably could not have defended his sister-in-law, but that's OK, as Jillian handled herself quite well. I like your story and will continue reading, but for tonight I will add you to my W/L and get to work on my own book.
James W. Nelson

SubRon2 wrote 96 days ago

That beginning was somewhat...scary? That poor girl, whatever, I'm going to keep reading.
James W. Nelson

Jesselowe wrote 100 days ago

This is a good book, filled with plenty of intrigue and mystery. I would buy "The Cheech Room". Jesselowe

j.chatfield wrote 113 days ago

Liz,

I've really enjoyed reading your first three chapters. You've done an excellent job of creating tension and hooking the reader in.

One comment - I had a hard time connecting with Jillian. She's single, but she has kids, and her brother-in-law lives above the garage. I assume she's divorced, but I don't know that - it would help me place her, even identify with her if I know a bit more about her history.

I can't wait to read more!

M Mills wrote 116 days ago

This is incredible, Liz -- you have great reason to be proud! High starred and watch listed - I will be backing in my next rotation!

Best,
Michelle
~ Willow Lake Manor ~

j.chatfield wrote 116 days ago

Thanks for checking out my chapters! I'll do the same with yours. I'm definitely intrigued...

Jake Barton wrote 121 days ago

A good cover and your pitches are exceptionally strong; guaranteed to hook the interest of a browsing potential reader. The book starts well, very well, and the standard doesn't drop. Well conceived, strongly plotted and very well written, this has so much to recommend about it. I've read all you've posted, with admiration. Of its type, this is as good as I've read for quite a while, (and I've read a lot of books on this site).
Backed.
Jake

Jonathan Lee wrote 121 days ago

Absolutely love this. So well written, so well put together and a story that makes you want to turn the next page.

I went to Vermont once. It was incredibly snowy. Fortunately, I didn't get murdered. But did Lindy?

Well done. Great effort.

Warrick Mayes wrote 122 days ago

Liz,

I read your first two chapters, not because I was particularly interested in the story, but because I wanted to know about your book before asking you to have a read of mine.
On this score, I have some way to go!
This is so well written and beautifully described.
Then I noticed that some of the comments were from some time ago! I hope you have not given up!

Regards
Warrick

William Goodman wrote 122 days ago

Ah, so that's how you add a book to you shelf! This is strong stuff ; deserves to go further.