Book Jacket

 

rank 5457
word count 43534
date submitted 20.03.2009
date updated 14.05.2009
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Crime, O...
classification: moderate
incomplete

St James Place

MacKenzie Spence

Margaret MacGregor discovers the decomposed corpse of a 1920s archaeologist in the garden outhouse of her new home.

 

Excerpt

'Forty years as a pathologist had left Dr. Allen comfortably wealthy, and in all that time he had never been tempted by the possessions of the dead. But this watch. This watch was different.

Cleaned and dried, it showed no signs of having lain at the bottom of a pool on the wrist of a decomposing corpse; the 18 carat gold case and strap, immaculate. Not a drop of moisture had penetrated. Dismantling it would tell him when the watch had stopped, and give him a probable date and time of death, but that would destroy this beautiful object. But there was another possibility. Tentatively he held the winding mechanism between thumb and forefinger and gently turned the ratchet.

At the second turn, and for the first time in eighty years, the watch began to tick.'


 
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tags

20th century historical fiction, edinburgh, mystery

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128 comments

 

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Janet Marie wrote 1137 days ago

Hi McKenzie. I picked your work to read becaues of your enticing summary. Chapter 1 strongly graps the reader and immediately establishes the mysterious theme of the story. Chapter 2 engages the reader with the colorful description of the house and the interesting couple. Chapter 3 has a sinister mood. Your nosy neighbor could be a problem later. All the interesting finds in the garden, I couldn't read fast enough anticipating what Mrs. McGregor would find next. (We also purchased a 1920s home and hand lots of clearing in the garden, which revealed so much debris, I was worried I'd find a dead body, yet thankfully uncovered an arched wall no one knew surrounded the property.) You introduce a nice parallel subplot with Mr. McGregor's connection with Edinburgh. A perfect classic mystery. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Orlando Furioso wrote 614 days ago

I think the first two lines of your synopsis really stand out compared to most of what I've seen here. I wld be bold and drop the excerpt. Those two line are a great teaser. I wld drop the excerpt, definitely. A good synopsis is very rare here. Your two lines wld boss the dross.

B.Lloyd wrote 732 days ago

Archaeology, cold cases, the past haunting the present, a time-piece frozen in time . . . Excellent reading, the prologue is chilling, and there are several threads which come together as the story progresses . . . shall continue reading ! On the shelf with enthusiasm!

SusieGulick wrote 735 days ago

Dear MacKenzie, I love the intrigue of your story & am happy I've never found a corpse in my back yard & even more terrifying a watch that still worked - I'd be scared to death. Great story. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

Burgio wrote 735 days ago

ST. JAMES PLACE
This is an intriguing story: a secret swimming pool, a dead body, an overgrown garden . . . . I really enjoyed following the path Robin takes step by step to discover the overgrown garden house. I once moved into a house with an overgrown garden so could appreciate how hard it is to get rid of all those weeds. I didn’t find a body, tho. So I was happy that Robin did. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Kidd1 wrote 804 days ago

I only comment on books that are well crafted, and this is certainly one that meets that criteria. Well thought out plotting. Excellent pace and foreshadowing. Great for a rainy day read. Will follow your climb on the charts.
Gladly backed.

Jupiter Echoes wrote 855 days ago

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

Beval wrote 888 days ago

This is one of the best starts to a crime novel I have read in years.
Backed!

mrsbawheed wrote 1054 days ago

Great story, great intrigue, of course backed.

CarolinaAl wrote 1055 days ago

Hi MacKenzie,

I read your first three chapters.

You've written a fascinating story with an interesting main character.

Your characterization of Margaret MacGregor is wonderful. She's smart and brave and cultured. She's interesting and sympathetic. You've used your narrative voice well to reveal her inner thoughts and feelings.

Your descriptions are effective. For example, your initial description of the garden was so vivid I could see it.

Your dialogue feels natural and progresses your story.

Your pacing held my interest thoroughout my read.

Some suggested edits.

'What is it dear?' Comma after 'it.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title (dear) with commas.

Oblivious to the dangers of the 15 feet drop ... Spell out numbers 1 to 99. Same thing with 15 minutes later Mrs. Macgregor stood in the garden with Robin, ...

Rhonda Cameron raised and eyebrow. 'And' should be 'an.'

'It is going to feel strange in a house this size while he's away' Period after 'away.'

'Would they object to some gardening Robin' Comma after 'gardening' and punctuate with a question mark.

'Not if they still want a job Mrs. M.' Comma after 'job.' Mrs M is being addressed. When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name with commas. Same thing with 'Do you want to give the boys a shout Robin.' Comma after 'shout.' Robin is being addressed. There are more cases of this type of problem in your first three chapters. Also, punctuate the sentence with a question mark.

These were minor oversights and didn't interfer with my enjoyment of your story.

Good luck with this book which I have backed.

Have a fine day.

Al

Paolito wrote 1069 days ago

This is extremely well-written. I am surprised at how much narrative drive the first 4 chapters exhibit in view of the predominance of narrative. Mrs. MacGregor is wonderful, and I love the way you always refer to her as Mrs. MacGregor. Without reading more (wish I had more time), I suspect that you have very strong reasons for referring to her that way, but for me, that appelation gives her the status of an endearing icon.

A few typos (e.g., MacGregors in one place), but who cares? This is engaging.

Shelved without reservation.

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional)

Jason Rice wrote 1088 days ago

this is an interesting and dark , a start to something more dangerous.

Rachel Medhurst wrote 1093 days ago

Hi,
This grabbed my attention straight away, i read the first four chapters and will read some more soon. I liked the idea of her finding the hotroom, i would love to explore something like that. I love history so this is a very interesting story.
:)

lynn clayton wrote 1093 days ago

Mackenzie, it's writers like you who'll give the genre of Mystery a good name. Beautiful literature. Shelved.
Lynn

eva alexander wrote 1094 days ago

This is quality literature, the sort of book one should spend a whole summer's afternoon curled up with under a tree - it deserves time to savour each carefully chosen word. beautifully written, and wonderfully visual, with that sinister feeling hanging over it for the first five chapters as the garden is slowly cleared...
I will definitely buy this when it is published, so that i can give it that proper time it deserves.
best of luck with it!
eva (clara moon)

ML Hamilton wrote 1094 days ago

MacKenzie,

What a hook at the end of the prologue. You set this idyllic scene of relaxation and then surprise us with violence. Oh, I love Margaret MacGregor. A woman after my own heart. My most fond time is spent in my garden. I love her determination and grit. Bravo for that!

The writing is clean and lovely, and honesly, I found nothing that I would change.

You're on my shelf,

ML

Joanna Stephen-Ward wrote 1094 days ago

Sorry McKenzie,

I had to break off my comments, but I'm back to finish them. Margaret exploring the garden is lovely, very visual and lots of good description, I feel I'm in the garden with her. Love the - 'cast iron skeleton of a hot house'. and I worry she's going to hurt herself when she goes inside. Her discoveries are so well written with a lot of SHOWING.

The twitching nets at number 15 work well and increase the sense of mystery.

Actually, I'm so impressed I'm going to have to put this on my shelf NOW.

Joanna

Margaret Anthony wrote 1094 days ago

McKenzie,
The prologue is not only compelling in subject matter but tells me at the first glance, what a skilful writer you are. A great build up towards the plot is followed by the 'overgrown garden' where your fine description makes it very vivid. I only comment as a reader but enjoyable reading, a good plot and well written work will not disappoint those who like mystery stories. Will go on my shelf. Margaret.

Joanna Stephen-Ward wrote 1094 days ago

Hello McKenzie,

The prologue is brilliant. Not only is the murder gentle you raise lots of questions. Who? Why? What? Really loved it and was compelled to read more.

In Chapter 1 I didn't understand the reference to Mussolini. In contrast to your succinct writing in the prologue, Ch1 is a bit overwritten, although still very good and intriguing.

I love the curtains at 15 and the telling dialogue.

I'm putting this on my Watch List and it's a certainty for my shelf when I decide what to take off.

Joanna

EarthWormJimmy wrote 1095 days ago

PROLOGUE
Macduff is a very interesting name for an MC, echoes of Shakespeare and I wonder if we’ll see any more such reminiscences in the following text…

Hmm. Guess not! Quick end to Macduff: I’m sure Macbeth would have approved.

CHAPTER 1
Loving the legacy of the previous student tenants. Odd they were brave enough to do all this to a property they didn’t own (most landlords I’ve ever rented from would have remodelled the house after I left and tried to charge me for it if I so much as hammered a nail into a wall to hang a picture), but you’ve left it on just the right side of the line so that it doesn’t appear too exaggerated: believable and humorous. Also enjoying number 15’s curtain-twitching nosiness. I do hope they’ll stay on in the plot!

Hooray, Saudi Arabia! I was born and raised there! Nothing to do with oil, sadly, just a teacher’s son!

CHAPTER 2
Woo, hoo, hoo! Mrs. MacGregor is not out to make any friends, is she!? I mean I know Rhona Cameron has been an interfering busybody already, but I would have thought that Mrs. MacGregor, with her husband often away (by the sounds of it) might be glad for company in a new neighbourhood and frankly massive house for just the one person. No doubt all will be revealed in due course…

“Horticultural fundamentalism.” Nice. And this garden really does seem to be a true treasure trove of antique / semi-antique garden paraphernalia. Even someone essentially uninterested in gardening of any variety, as I am, is finding this voyage of discovery slowly exciting.

Chuckling too at “job and knock.”

CHAPTER 3
Your description of the “leisure centre” and it’s construction is good but I feel not quiiiiite there: it feels a little forced, if you get my drift. Maybe break it up with a little more alternate narrative? I know it’s like essential to the plot to know all this, but if I could get to know it in shorter bursts, it would be easier for me to assimilate.

“…a smell… you would always remember or, more rationally, could never quite forget.” I’m not sure “rationally” is the right word here. Do you mean ‘accurately’?

OVERALL
This really is beautiful writing: artfully done, compelling and in places almost like poetry, so well does it flow. Very polished, very professional (hardly saw any typos), and I can completely see it for sale in all good booksellers. It IS a bit slow (after the prologue) in build up plot-development-wise, but the writing’s good enough that I enjoyed reading it anyway. I only stop rather than read more because I’ve got so very many books on my reading list! You’re shelved.

kgadette wrote 1095 days ago

Dear Graham,
Lovely work here. Many things to praise, comment, question, as follows:
In the prologue: Where is the safe in relation to the rest of the bathhouse?
His face breaking the surface. Wonderful description.
The Mussolini speech: who's talking?
Run-on sentence starting with "She had to give him that;"
Love the colors that the frat boys had chosen.
Maybe it's me, but I long for a character description when we first meet the people. Consider throwing us a bone, particularly for Mrs. M?
What makes the agent "now comfortable?" I note that you refer to Jock and Mrs. MacGregor, interesting that you give one the first name, not the other.
Funny, that she's walking along the top … in a skirt.
Hacking at weeds with Presbyterian devotion!
Immaculate descriptions of the garden. To repeat myself: want the same for characters!

Need some dialogue tags in the exchange between Rhona and Mrs. M.

OR: you could keep the action within the same paragraph as the dialogue, e.g.,
Mrs. M. felt her grip on the machete tighten. "No. My parents are from Midlothian."

Nice use of horticulture references, now applied to students. Faces shiny, like new growth on an aging but recently transplanted ficus.

Where's the conflict in the early chapters? We've seen MacDuff's death, and then three chapters of Mrs. M in her garden, dealing with the neighbor, her husband, and finally the discovery of the bathhouse and a safe, yet to be opened. I'm personally hungering for more conflict other than the prologue's promised mystery being held over our heads.

The writing is highly professional, the humor sly. Shelved.

mn73 wrote 1096 days ago

Some of the most beautiful writing on this site - the opener in particular is wonderful. Fully deserving of the 'literary fiction' tag. The suspense of the opening sections leaves the reader wanting more, and the story unfurls itself wonderfully. A few things I noticed - "Rhona Cameron raised and eyebrow" - check for typos like these that the spellchecker won't pick up. Also, you have already given her full name once, so Rhona itself should suffice here. I also think naming a character after a current successful stand-up comedian might not be the right thing to do, so she may need a name change. Minor things though, a great read. Shelved.

Cait wrote 1096 days ago

St. James’ Place by MacKenzie Spence

O boy. Normally I’m not a fan of prologues. But this one? Was like watching the opening scene of a movie. Poor old Macduff. He couldn’t bear traveling via sea yet he dies in water. And of course one just has to read on to see why he was murdered and what were in those documents. Just curious, though. I’m wondering if the minister would refer to his collar as a ‘dog-collar’?

Ah, on second read, he wasn’t a real man of the cloth, but an undercover agent?

The Garden. You’ve managed to lure me right inside and watch and listen. And even the ‘thought’ of Rhona camerons’s perfume makes me want to plug my nose!

Characters very well drawn, the way Mrs, McGregor bites the tip of her gardening glove to remove it. Small things, big accomplishments. Then the way she tightens her grip on the machete ( Shows us how she feels without you spelling it out for us. Great…). Bet a fleeting thought crossed her mind to threaten the old busybody neighbor with it? So annoying when you’re busy and someone just keeps nattering on and on.

Just a question here about the flats. Are these ones built separate from Macgregor’s house?

Ah, all is explained below…Making notes as I read. Whow, two, and three-floored flats? And here’s me living in a mere eleven-hundred sf. one. :o( But it does had a lovely garden, minus the ‘greenhouse’. ;-}

After finally getting rid of Nosy Parker, I can just imagine her peeping through her top floor flat curtains, and keeping a close eye on Macgregor’s garden.

O, dear…the closer Mrs Macgregor gets to the greenhouse the faster my heart beats.

Little typo, here? – Twice she banged it with (her) the side of her gloved fist…

Ah, you tease…she leaves to come back later. And so will we.

...15 minutes later. Maybe spell the number?

Great, great, great…only suggestion would be to check for needed commas throughout in dialogue.

Will definitely get back to this later as daughter and family just popped in.

Sláinte,

Cáit.

blonde-but-black wrote 1098 days ago

i agree with the comment beneath me, this piece of writing is truly enthralling and captivating, Really good job!!!
xoxo

ddemange wrote 1098 days ago

Love it, love it, love it. I read a *lot* of books with mystery and dead things in it and lots of it is superficial. This is just great. No constructive anything from me, I'm afraid. Just praise.

Deborah

Helen Crisp wrote 1099 days ago

I've just started but I like what I've read so far. Good 'hook' in the prologue, just what a reader likes! Will read more when time permits.

mattrogers wrote 1099 days ago

Good stuff, MacKenzie, you obviously know how to write. Strong attention to detail and there are some wonderfully creative turns-of-phrase peppered throughout the chapters I read. My only suggestion deals with the prologue, which works quite well in setting the story into motion, but I'm wondering if it could be tightened up just a tad bit in the two middle paragraphs. This is purely subjective, of course, and with that being the only stand-out it shows how strong the writing is overall. Shelved.

Matt Rogers

Rheagan wrote 1101 days ago

Hello Mackenzie,
Thank you for introducing me to this. I thoroughly enjoyed skimming through it. I think you write well, plenty of deail, engaging style and the reader is very quickly drawn in. If I had to nitpick, I would say that maybe there are a few too many words (alas I also have a penchant for adjectives and adverbs). Also, perhaps some of the sentences are rather long. Have you calculated the Fog Index? Anyway, those are my (unadulterated) comments. But I would caution that they do come from an unpublished author. Good luck with this, shelved.
Rheagan Greene - Unwelcome Refelctions

Shayne Parkinson wrote 1101 days ago

I've read the first eight chapters, Graham. This is fine story-telling, which drew me in and has kept me intrigued. The story unfolds gently, with multiple threads that gradually become entwined. I like the gentle pace, as it lets us get to know and care about the characters. Your descriptions of place are nicely done; St James Place is itself almost a character in the story.

I did notice some typos, like "raised and eyebrow", "pouring over some papers", "stayed" instead of "staid". But nothing that a good nitpicking pass won't find :-)

You draw character portraits very deftly. The tale of Ahmad, who never stopped working, even death not getting in the way of it, was wonderful. And incidents like "the visitors to her garden shuffled and re-arranged themselves according to rank" are delightful.

Shelved.

Edie wrote 1101 days ago

Dear MacKenzie
I just finished reding to the end of chapter 3 and loved every minute of it. I've been to Scoltand twice and loved every minute of the trip, especially the city of Edinburgh. I'd be reading on except for the calls of house-keepig and similar obligations.
Much as I liked your story and can't wait to find out more, I tend to read as an editor and I came across a number of places that needed further thought though nothing that a close read-through will not find and then easily fix. I hope you don't mind.
Chater 2 = above them in number 15 - I wasnpt sure ooooooooif #13 isan apartment (flat) or if you meant further up the street in another house
semi dark =semi-dark light, = light;
My company offers staff employed abroad an employee house purchase scheme = I read this twice and still could not make full sense of it. Perhaps two sentences would help.
wife wants it," HE SAID (add to the sentence) nodding
seccateurs? I'm not familiar with that word, therefore an interuption in the flow. Could you explain?
Raised and = an eyebrow.
I guess you get the picture. Don't be discouraged. You can do it. And think of it this way -- if I found it, so will an editor at Harpor Collings when it gets that far.
My book, Prides Crossing, could use another comment. It takes many, I see, to climb to 1 through 5.

If you get the time

Marshall wrote 1101 days ago

This is a very well written story. The plot develops effortlessly. As I read it I felt I was in a safe pair of hands. It's not my genre so I won't comment further other than to say good luck with it. Best! Alex M

Roe wrote 1102 days ago

I am so glad you brought this to my attention. Have to admit was not expecting it to be so enthralling. Nice premise, not sure about the cover, but when I started reading I was captivated. Beautifully written and definitely backing. I have no doubt this will shoot up to the ed's desk and be snapped up.

Adrian Ellis wrote 1102 days ago

Very well put together. I was hooked immediately by an excellent pitch and synopsis. I started reading and didn't stop. Your prose is clear, enjoyable, and lets us settle very well into the unfolding events. I only had two problems. Some of the sentences felt too long for me. Also, I was excited for her to discover the body, but I wished she would discover it sooner. The 'deep metallic echo' got me excited again, but I think I'd have liked that a chapter earlier. I was hoping for the discovery of the body in chapter 3. Those small niggles aside, it's going on my watchlist. Well done! - Adrian Ellis (Copper Book).

Karen Bessey Pease wrote 1102 days ago

Hello MacKenzie,

I'm pleased to say that I am enjoying St. James Place, and am anxious to read beyond these first three chapters. The novel is very well-written. My only comment would be that most agents ONLY read the first three chapters of a MS, and other than the quiet death in chapter one, there doesn't seem to be a big hook to cause them to ask for the rest of the story. I am intrigued, based on the pitch, but I'm not someone who counts! I can't further your writing career. (Would if I could, for sure!) That's a simple observation, please feel free to disregard it. Unfortunately, if often seems we write for the pubs instead of the readers!

There were a few missing commas (in case no one has already pointed them out) usually preceding a proper noun, i.e. "gardening (,) Robin" and "job (,) Mrs. M". All easily fixed!

Please to give you some time on my shelf, and wishing you go far with your publishing endeavors.

Karen

nikkidudley wrote 1102 days ago

Hi Graham,

I really enjoyed the read and I shall we shelving in a mere moment...

I like the prologue, I hope this will be explored lots more later, sounds intriguing! The couple in chapter 2 are introduced nicely and I like the way Mrs MacGregor simply takes the house because of the garden. I'm still not quite sure why yet, having read on a bit more... An interesting story and the builders are quite funny.

As I don't have anything to really crit, I only found a few small typos. In chapter 3, just after Mrs MacGregor finishes talking to the neighbour, the 3rd line of this next para without dialogue- 'replaced' should be 'replacing'.

Also when the boys sit down to eat soup in the kitchen, you write the word 'before' twice. Just a bit of an awkward sentence.

Also in chapter 4, when Mrs MacGregor and Robin decide to go back down the garden to look at the water again, there are a few words mixed up here- 'Childhood memories of came flooding back to Robin...' came and flooding need to be swapped.

Back to read more soon... Nikki

BexMcK wrote 1103 days ago

Graham,
I have been reading on, and really enjoying the interplay between the events in Edinburgh and Jock in Saudi-- I'm wanting to think that there will be some interconnection here later in the book? Your writing style is smooth and clean, and very readable. I was laughing at your reference to a Rebus novel somewhere... I could almost imagine Rebus himself walking into this story or discussing the case with the other cops over a pint at The Oxford Bar...
Looking forward to the finale.

Best,
Rebecca

Marianna.k wrote 1103 days ago

The beginning is profound but snappy enough to make it satisfying, provoking curiosity. For me it all depended on the next chapter to maintain my interest... and it did. I found moments of wit wrapped up in intrigue. Those neighbourly snippets add to the wonder and the promise of a strong story in the making.

Backed.

Marianna

sensual elle wrote 1103 days ago

I enjoy your descriptions: the plants determined to make it indoors by Christmas, with the brambles as forward infantry, hacking back the weeds with Presbyterian devotion. (Already, I'm looking for an excuse to, er, borrow that line.)

(shiver) I'm acrophobic, but I never shivered from someone merely writing about walking along a wall! Mrs. MacGregor is formidable!

I also like the counterpoint observations of the curtain-twitching neighbors.

Typo, chapter 3: Rhona Cameron raised and eyebrow.

I am at the beginning of chapter 5 and thoroughly hooked. I cleared space on my shelf. I know this is a book I'd buy.

Fred Le Grand wrote 1105 days ago

Hi,
Read quite a lot of this for once. Really good story, constantly interesting and very well written. I found four typos but can't locate them since I'm on ch8 now. This could almost be a successor to Rankins protagonist - gone but not forgotten.
If I wanted to be critical I might say thet the Saudi bit interrupts the flow and slows the pace quite a lot and we don't learn that much about Jock through it. Yes, we do learn a bit about Saudi but it acts as a distraction to the supposed main theme of the story. I'm sure you will tell me if I've missed the point.
I think this is a cracking good read, exceptionally well written and hope it does well, not least because I've displaced a damned good book so as to back it!
Best,
Fred

Phil B wrote 1105 days ago

Hi Graham

Any book that name checks Leith Victoria baths gets my backing. I learned to swim there when i was just a wee boy.

I am eight chapters in and enjoying the story. It is quite a slow burner and i'm not sure what it is yet - mystery, thriller what? I have shelved it and will read on to find out. You gave me great and speciifc feedback on THH so will return the favour a little bit.

Unlike others I think the buddleia could be determined and as a fellow native of Edinburgh I think it probaly has to be. That sentence could benefit from a couple of commas as it suggests that it's the balcony in the spring breeze rather than the plant. In the next sentence the estate agent 'scanned' the McGregors and their car seems odd - maybe 'observed?'
There are a few typos, one in the chapter where they are pumping out the swimming pool - 'and had declined'
At the beginning of Ch 5 there is an 'a' missing, it should be 'on a dry flight' also flight is repeated in the next sentence and could be replaced by 'journey.'
You encouraged brevity in my writing but you don't always practice what you preach as I felt this was a bit overwritten too. There is a richness to it that you musn't lose but some of the sentence structures seem too long and over complicated in order to accommodate certain words - 'agape' for instance.

hope you find this helpful, I really liked it overall
all the best
Phil B

mackenziespence wrote 1106 days ago

I only know Edinburgh through the works of Ian Rankin. This is a very different city, though there are touch points (even a reference). I confess there is probably too much botatny in this for me, I'm afraid I don't know one plant from another. Your writing, though, is wonderfully gentle and though the story is unfolding slowly I'm happy to drift along with it.

A few random observations:

Your prologue provides a good set-up, I wonder if it could be even tauter, this passage sets up expectation for the remainder of the book. I suspect you could prune it, just a little.

In the first real chapter you write, "a determined buddleia waved gently." Whilst I don't what a buddleia is, for me determined and gently don't sit well together.

I admire the way you have managed to almost entirely avoid tags for your dialogue (which has a genteel feel, matching the narrative and the tone of the story) but in a couple of places, where three parties are invovled (the viewing of the house, and the discussion with the builder before hubby leaves) there were times I wasn't completely sure who was speaking.

In your second main chapter, during the discussions with the builder, the word "cosmetic" is used twice in quick succession. You might want to change one of these.

Hope these comments are helpful; otherwise ignore them. You can clearly write. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

JD



Rankin writes about the city’s split personality from the perspective of a police officer dealing with the criminal classes. I am also writing about the city’s schizophrenia, but from the perspective of the New Town; a wealthy area full of old money, professionals and hidden pasts.

RL Stevenson explored this in Jekyll and Hyde, Conan Doyle with Holmes and Moriarty, JM Barrie with Peter Pan and Captain Hook. Each of these, for the sake of improved sales reset their work in London.

I have tried to pepper the text with references to this split personality, and it seems some of them work, others miss completely. One of those was the determined buddleia. These plants can grow virtually anywhere, and I have seen a building’s stonework destroyed by a buddleia’s root system; they often grow on the top of walls, balconies etc. yet look innocuous and soft and in summer attract huge numbers of butterflies to their purple flowers.

The lack of dialogue tags was also very deliberate, but I think you are correct; I have probably pruned them back a little too much.

Thank you for your feedback; it is important for me to know what works, and what does not. Your feedback will help me a great deal.

JD Revene wrote 1106 days ago

I only know Edinburgh through the works of Ian Rankin. This is a very different city, though there are touch points (even a reference). I confess there is probably too much botatny in this for me, I'm afraid I don't know one plant from another. Your writing, though, is wonderfully gentle and though the story is unfolding slowly I'm happy to drift along with it.

A few random observations:

Your prologue provides a good set-up, I wonder if it could be even tauter, this passage sets up expectation for the remainder of the book. I suspect you could prune it, just a little.

In the first real chapter you write, "a determined buddleia waved gently." Whilst I don't what a buddleia is, for me determined and gently don't sit well together.

I admire the way you have managed to almost entirely avoid tags for your dialogue (which has a genteel feel, matching the narrative and the tone of the story) but in a couple of places, where three parties are invovled (the viewing of the house, and the discussion with the builder before hubby leaves) there were times I wasn't completely sure who was speaking.

In your second main chapter, during the discussions with the builder, the word "cosmetic" is used twice in quick succession. You might want to change one of these.

Hope these comments are helpful; otherwise ignore them. You can clearly write. I enjoyed reading this. Thank you.

JD

jennyemily wrote 1107 days ago

The intrigue in the first paragraph alone made me want to read on and on. The writing is simploe yet elegant. One of the best written books I've seen. Backed.

-Jenny-
'Bringing home the stars'

stratford wrote 1107 days ago

I enjoyed reading your manuscript. Great intrigue and love the flow. I am backing as I truly enjoyed this well written piece. Best of Luck:)

Suzanne Adams wrote 1107 days ago

A confident approach which shines through the writing. I feel in safe hands here and that the book will not disappoint. What I read I found very enjoyable.

Martin Horton wrote 1107 days ago

Oh dear. Oh dear. I think we have found a winner ladies and germs!

Mackenzie - apart from my neurotic admiration for people who write historical fiction, you write with such verve and fluidity that this is going on my shelf. From your blub, to be honest, I didn't think I'd like it.....but, I have failed. I am intruiged, even it's because of your natural talent....words written like a slowly running stream, ebbing and flowing effortlessly. Absolutely superb mate. Really.

As I said, backed.

Brilliant.
Martin.
(My House on the Fjord)

TomW wrote 1107 days ago

Comments on Chapter 1 (Prologue)...

Expertly written. Perhaps too much backstory given the ending?

Chapter 2

Wondered why the buddleia (got one of those, btw) was "determined". By the end of the chapter I felt like I knew the house better than the Macgregors (certainly by appearance, anyway).

The asides with the nosy neighbours were an interesting aspect.

Chapter 3...

It's certainly a leisurely paced read. Just looked to check. You've marked it as a thriller. I'm not feeling that yet. It's more of a mystery, rather than a white-knuckle ride. I've not found any typos, and the prose and dialogue are fine.

For the sake of a quibble, there are probably details you could leave out - the reader's imagination fills in a lot of blanks - which would add pace to this. Nevertheless, your characters (and this includes the house and its gardens) feel real, and I think this would be popular with a certain audience. On my revolving shelf.

Best of luck with it.

Regards,

TomW (Nick of Time)

Paul Samuel wrote 1108 days ago

This is fast and furious and brilliantly written. It should do well. Backed

tojo wrote 1108 days ago

Even before I finished reading the prologue, knew I was in safe hands, this book does not grab you it gently holds; and you cannot let go, it has to be read fully.(backed).

Mindbomber wrote 1109 days ago

Is it a bird? Is it a Telefunken U47? No, it's St James Place...top of the popular culture chart.....amazing....how did that happen?...It's a long way to the top if you wanna rock n' roll.

edquinn wrote 1109 days ago

Hi Mackenzie

Just had a chance to read your book.

Really drawn to the book through your synopsis. Then breaking into the first chapter in am confronted by the death of the character Macduff.

Then transported to modern day, i enjoyed your 'one-liners' ..'The kitchen greeted her with the legacy scent of a decade's worth of curries and kebabs.'

An enjoyable piece of writing that has found it's way to my shelf.

Also, great setting using 'Auld Reekie' as the backdrop.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

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