Murder by Mother-in-law

Gripping, daring, challenging, beautiful and EXTREMELY well written.
What research did you put into this? *Gulp*
Shelved and I'm coming back for more...
David
*Green Ore*

Never has murder sounded so beautiful. Your writing style is beautiful. It's a skill to make a reader empathise with a murderess, but you have succeeded here, which of course you must for the novel to work. Shelved.

Oooh Pricilla you evil witch. I knew I would love this from the title and pitch alone. Backed and shelved without hesitation. Would def buy this and read at my leisure. What a great plot idea. Fab film!
Best of luck with this.
Rona
"Under Stick on Stars"

First of all i like the way the narrator keeps repeating his name "Dick...." which already emphasises that she finds him irritating and that the reader knows he'll be dead soon.

Also the fact that she points out the time - 10:55 - so the reader knows like she knows that he'll be dead in 5 minutes adding to the tension.

I also love how cold and un-remorseful she is after shooting him which shows she's no stranger to killing.

Great line "Satisfaction filled her as she watched until the water was still" - very evocative.

I also love that she has just murdered someone but gets home and is annoyed because there is a glass without a coaster on the coffee table - ha ha, you can see where her priorities are!

Wow! No wonder Martin preferred Dick - Priscilla's a bitch!

I'm very impressed so far - will definitely be backing this and reading more very soon - nice one!

Fabbo get the old man drung put him in a boat shoot him and tie a big anchor on him so he sinks, nice touch but this lady is sick as its all to get the attention of a young child and thern we find out she killed her sister as well I must read on
Gingernut

Oh my goodness. Your mind must be a scary place to visit, although in a warped kind of way, I can see what a buzz it would be to think up such a story. It must be quite exhilarating, as you do it so well. A thrilling plot, and no doubt there are many of us who would like to strangle someone who p******ses us off at certain times, of course we wouldn't do it, but Priscilla doesn't think twice, she is so adept at justifying her reasons and making them valid. Well done on such a compelling story. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

Your book has a very dramatic start as we witness the plans and murder at the lake. Later we find that this is not the first murder she has committed in order to keep a rival for others love at bay. I really enjoyed this but almost at the end of chapter one I came across this sentence that makes no sense.. after gazing Terry at the money, Terry before stuffed it into her jeans
And you have missed an s after… Terry lived four block(s) away. Further down you change POV quite dramatically at the same time the tense when she is making pancakes all of a sudden you call her his mother.
In chapter 2 you say she had a need to empty her kidneys… I think you mean her bladder the kidneys are just a filter. This has the makings of a really good read but I think you need to do a bit of an edit to polish it up a bit. Its a shame to put so much work into a story and then get it passed over for errors. I wish you luck with it has good plotting and moves along nicely.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – Please spend a moment to take a look

This is incredible! I started reading and cant stop - well written with polished prose! BACKED!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Very well written and easy to follow. Enjoyed it. Priscilla is quite charming in her evil way. But it's
also easy to see why her son prefers his easy-going father to his bossy self-centered mother.

I have backed it outright because I wish to make it safe for you to be honest in commenting on mine.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Backed January 15.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Backed January 15.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Debbie
Will return to read more. Cracking blog, title etc. Loved the twisted, blind excuses Pricilla allowed herself -- proper psychopath. Incredibly well-crafted thriller. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

I really found myself at the quarry. A really gripping beginning to what promises to be a great story. Would it be an idea to shorten the dialogue between Martin and his mum so that we can see, more quickly, what Pricilla gets up to next. Probably just me being very impatient. Will be back to read the rest soon. On my WL Regards, Anne "Tyson's Tale."

Great. You really should try and push this....

BACKED

Great. You really should try and push this....

BACKED

Murder bu Mother-in-Law

Hi MD

There is a lot to commend this novel and it is a shame it is dropping in the charts, I see you haven't logged on for around 43 days. I will do my bit having read the first chapter and bump this onto my shelf, I will write a deep crit if you would like, simply message me and I will upload it, best wishes and come back to us - Andrew W.

(Sanctuary's Loss)

You know what I like about this?
The fact that you don't beat around the bush. It is what it is. A thriller.
It is right there in the title and pitches.
I went into this knowing exactly what I was getting and it delivered.
Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Debbie
My kind of book. Thrilling, exciting, pulse-racing. Very readable, characters are instantly believable. I give this my ultimate accolade: Unputdownable.
Frank

How could I possibly have missed this before -- very cool concept and well executed. One mystery writer to another I'm jealous of the character you have in Pricilla. Very visually presented. Nice work!

Dear Debbie,

What a marvellous story and I have read every word. Precilla is an extremely complex character and I love the way that you have developed her. The imagery that you portray in your writing is first class and I am oh so sorry that I can't read any more. I would definitely buy this book. I know other people have said this, but it would make a great film. Publishers please note. Absolutely SHELVED. Good luck.

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm. ( I should be grateful if you would read mine.)

Dear Debbie,

What a marvellous story and I have read every word. Precilla is an extremely complex character and I love the way that you have developed her. The imagery that you portray in your writing is first class and I am oh so sorry that I can't read any more. I would definitely buy this book. I know other people have said this, but it would make a great film. Publishers please note. Absolutely SHELVED. Good luck.

Phyllis Burton
A Passing Storm. ( I should be grateful if you would read mine.)

Hi M.D.

Your description of the murder was terrifying because Pricilla was so calm. But, then, she is a sympathetic killer too. This is a beautifully written book.

Carol

Murder by Mother-in-law draws a wonderful picture of psychotic Priscilla in a chilling, page-turning story. The narrative gets off to a great start with the murder in the quarry, and continues with good pace and some descriptive gems[ 'wobbling towards her like a loose bowl of jello'; 'a greedy love-sucking child'] This is good stuff - Backed.
I suggest a careful proof read at some stage, though; there are missing words here and there, and in C1 you say 'After gazing Terry at the money, Terry before stuffed it into her jeans pocket' which needs correcting. All the best.

Hi Debbie,


Have had no time at all to come on Authonomy for ages. Yours was the first book I read on my return, and I am simply blown away. What fabulous writing full of suspense and imagery with the bubbling evil in its scariest form - controlled. Absolutely shelving for all the perfect characterisation and plot. If there were a shelf for definite film scripts, this would be on it too.

Wishing you all the luck in getting noticed, as I feel sure once you are the publishers will pounce on this.

Kat

Great pace, wonderful narration.....a fun read!

Lockjaw

This is awesome! haha. I love how she shoots him through the mouth. Also, at first, I thought this was just a really pissed off housewife, sick of her husband's crap, but then we find out she's done this before. She killed her sister!!! This woman is a psychopath!!!
Love it.
No room on my shelf right now, but I shall make room in a few days.

I like the premis and I've enjoyed the first three chapters. I'd certainly carry on with it if it was a book rather than on a screen. You have a slight tendancy to overwork the prose in my opinion - arcing a can instead of throwing it, for example. And what does "compress the sir" mean near the start of chapter 3?

Good luck with it.

David

Debbie, your story premise is scary but fascinating and you write so well. I found it amazing that I wasn't totally alienated by Pricilla right from the start; there's almost a certain empathy, which is entirely down to your skill as a novelist. I once collaborated on a turn of the century story with someone, but we couldn't get a deal; and I read recently of a mother and daughter who wrote together over a 2000 mile distance using speaker phones!Backed with pleasure and good luck. Phil Rowan - Weimar Vibes.

The five chapters posted have provided me with an interesting read so far. All the characters come across as individuals, but it's Priscilla who is the most fascinating - twice she gotten away with murder and the question on my mind is: will she murder again and get away with it?

Putting you on my shelf.

The story has me. I'd keep reading but I should be working. I'll read more later. I haven't seen much to comment on so far.

This is cool. I'll admit to seeing it on the charts and avoiding it because of the mother-killing-daughter-in-law thing, but now I wish I'd found it sooner. Well-written and very creepy. Pricilla seems like a very nasty person, cold and calculating and very selfish. I can't help but feel sorry for poor Martin. The one thing I noticed that confuses me is that there are two dates at the top of the first chapter. The first is July 1962, the second July 1966. Was there something before the 1966 part?

This is a very powerful opening. It's different too, to have an evil main character. It's very promising.

I have just a couple of nitpicks.
Chap 1

I was a bit concerned that when Pricilla comes home from the picnic, she drives the babysitter home leaving Martin alone in the house. For such a doting mother that seems odd. Maybe you should put in a line saying – She hated to leave him alone but it was necessary or something, just so that we know she’s thought of it.

Chap 2

Pricilla had a pressing need to empty her kidneys. Shouldn’t that be her bladder?

I have put 'Pricilla' on my shelf and I wish you all the best of luck with her.
Riva

Can you believe it, your book finally came up next on my WL. I had already read ch 1, but now ready to dive in a read a little each day. Just finishing ch 2, I found the first part real. Arthritis is just like that. Ouch. So she thinks she got away with murder. I'll have to read on to see.

I have to say, reading your pitch, I laughed excitedly thinking this was going to be great! (Not that I'm into murder or anything! haha) And it is! I got totally creaped out by your sick psycho killer! What a great read!!! Shelved!!!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

Hi Debbie,

I'm here for my 15 minute read (and for the second time today, spend much longer than the 15!). I read all five chapters, and I really can't think of anything constructive for a critique about the story (although I did notice a missing "I" in the chapter four sentence, "I had this terrible need for the security of my father--especially with her so angry--so (I?) screamed for him."). But this is also the second time today I felt the pitch for the story was written either by someone else, or for a different story. My recommendation would be to polish your pitch so it reflects the terrible beauty of your story. Welcome to my shelf!

~Traci

Allot has been said bellow so I won't be redundant. Your writting really starts to get better in the middle of the first chapter(maybe review the opening lines. After that things start to flow and the roundness of your characters appears.

I like the story and the characters. Pricilla is a quite a gal...from your pitch and reading these chapters, I assume Linda is going to want to kill Anika for stealing Martin's affections?

Sorry, but this needs major work. There are so many mistakes that I will not attempt to enumerate them all. I will mention a couple of particularly egregious ones:

Rock quarries are never so big that one cannot see the opposite shoreline.

You spend an inordinate time telling us what this woman looks like. Now, there are a couple of things to consider here. First, is this third person limited or omniscient? If it is limited, then there is no way she would dote on her image unless she was incredibly vain. Also, given that she is about to kill her husband, I believe she would have other things on her mind than what she looks like. If this is omniscient, then such descriptions are okay, but seem out of place.

Too much telling. Way too much. She was sad, he was angry etc. And, related to that is the constant infodump drumbeat. You would be better served uncovering information in a natural fashion. For example, the gold coins. She could count them, or clean them. That seems like something this psychopath would do. The bit about the eutrophic lake, the decomposition, etc. is too much infodump. While she may have actually researched this part, which would clearly show how she is an emotionless psycho, that part does not need to be told to us. The killing should be straightforward with none of this elaborate telling that explains why this or that would work. Show us her getting him drunk, show us the hassle of the boat, etc. All of her thinking is a form of telling. If you are going to have her think aloud, remember that your task is not to figure out how you can leak information to the reader but to figure out what a person like this would actually be thinking. For instance, all of that thinking about how she would purchase this or that, or if the body would float, has already been done long before she got to the lake. Her focus is going to be entirely on the mechanics of the situation. She is a psycho so she will not be busy demonizing her husband. That happened some time ago when she decided to kill him. Get into her head.

Here is an example. Say you are a cop investigating an accident. A church van full of children rear-ended a semi trailer, decapitating all aboard. Twelve little heads lie strewn about the highway. How that cop reacts will depend upon his background. Is he a thirty year veteran? A newbie? A family man? A psycho killer who takes his arrestees back to his barn where he keeps them in a soundproof room? Each of these people will have a different reaction. You need to figure that out. And that reaction is an in-the-moment reaction, a visceral reaction.

In the past twenty-five years, Sgt. Bob Walters had seen plenty of other gruesome accidents: a man strained through the grill of a Peterbilt, a drunk trying to stand after losing both feet to a train, Bill Meyers dead of autoerotic asphixiation in his car, and Mary Conner's head squished in a seven hundred ton press, probably suicide, but this is the first accident that he had had to force himself not to laugh. He turned away and deliberately bit the inside of his cheek. Was he cracking up?

I bet someone told you that the kid's part should use a child's level of diction. The problem is a child's viewpoint is really difficult to pull off without sounding like baby talk. See Faulkner's work. And there is a tendency to inject bits of adult speak into the text. For instance, mentioning the "wooden cabinets" as something the child would notice is not likely given the level of vocabulary you have elected to use in this passage. You have to really get into the head of a child to write child-like prose.

As far as the basic concept--like all novels like this, the concept is well-worn. What is needed is a new take on an old story. I think you may have that. However, unless you repair the many deficiencies, it will not be picked up.

I do not believe in the glad-handing and butt-kissing that goes on here in order to inflate one's bookshelf count. A prime example of this occurred one or two months ago when a "writer" with an obvious "English as a Second Language" problem managed to get onto over 1700 bookshelves and hit the number one spot with what may have been one of the worst books ever written. Clearly that person had enlisted the help of many, many friends and relatives. Honest criticism from knowledgeable people is always welcome. Anything that helps me improve my work is a good thing. But I will not tell people that their poor writing is great in order to get my book on their shelf.

Thanks.

Richard

Sorry it's taken me so long to get to you. But once I started this I had to carry on reading. Very gripping story, and Pricilla's character is so alarming! The detail and precision were riveting. And you write very well. Couple of slips in ch 2 I noticed: It should be illusion not allusion, and peeked, not peaked. Sorry if someone's already mentioned these - couldn't read ALL the comments. Shelving this - well done. All the best with it - you must have a remarkable partnership!
BV

Okay, Debbie, the first thing to say is that in my (amateur) opinion this book is potentially publishable so I'm going to back it. Please understand that everything I'm going to write here is just one reader's subjective impression and can of course be ignored.

Main qualities: a good controlled narrative pace and a sustained but nicely low-key tension, arising mainly from the conflicting influences of Priscilla and Linda on Martin; beautiful switches in POV between Priscilla and Linda; generally good development of characters (though I don't feel that I know Martin very well yet, even after five chapters); generally good-quality writing style; and excellent, natural dialogue. The story is intriguing because I can't guess how it's going to develop. This isn't run-of-the-mill stuff because the sociopath isn't a mere embodiment of evil, she's a real person. So there are lots of saleable qualities here.

Main shortcoming: some settings aren't well established - in particular, I don't have a clear enough picture of either Priscilla's or Linda's home (yet your opening setting - the quarry - is very compellingly drawn, so you can do it).

Minor points: (1) There are a few typos here and there - not many, but an editor's eye lights upon them! (2) The aorta doesn't supply the heart - it's the main vessel conducting oxygenated blood away from the heart. (The dissection is clinically plausible, though - they quite often occur around the aortic arch, close to the heart; and your account of the surgery and the patient's vague experience thereof is accurate.) The heart muscle itself is supplied with blood via the two coronary arteries, which aren't normally susceptible to dissection... but I don't think you need that information!

One further and perhaps more useful critical point: I found the opening scene, the planning and execution of the murder, a bit too "padded". It's generally well done and it's the perfect opener to the book, but I found myself wanting to cut words, make the style more "nervous" and jerky, shorten sentences... Of course, that could just be personal preference. If you wish, I'll make more detailed and specific suggestions, but there comes a point beyond which critical commentary segues into outright interference, and I'd rather not pass that point!

Thank you for inviting me to read "Murder by Mother-in-Law". If you'd uploaded more I'd have read on because you got me nicely hooked. I hope my comments may be of some use.

Mark.

After reading the first 3 chapters (i.e., a 'partial'), I'm a bit confused as to who the protagonist is. Can you make that clearer? Personally, I wouldn't mind if it were the killer (see my novel), but only you can make that decision.

If your MC is the killer (seems so from the pitch or book description), then I'd like her fleshed out more, to see some good qualities. So far, all I see is that she doesn't like people who rob love or attention from her. You need more to develop reader interest in her, to want to read more about her journey.

Because of this confusion in my mind, if I were an agent, I wouldn't ask for a full, despite the overall quality of the writing. I would think that your novel needs restructuring.

Despite the above comments, you do know how to create narrative drive and I would read more.

Best of luck,
Sheryl
P.S. Thanks so much for backing my novel. I really appreciate it.

BTW, I take care of dogs to supplement my income...liked that part, but that's just personal.

Oh no! Another thriller about serial killers! When will we learn??

Enjoyed the opening chapter, although I think you can do more with the interactions between mother and son from the son's POV (love writing from a child's POV although my novel doesn't have any scenes from a child's POV except for one very short flashback)...in that scene, I didn't find the mother's dialogue all that realistic and I think the scene lacked a concrete arc. Think about it.

Off to read more...

Cheers,
Sheryl

Hi debbie, I'm int he library briefly, so excuse all spelling mistakes today! Please note the following:
[I need to explain that due to my eMac needing repair, and the credit crunch and many other matters, I’ll be reviewing only covers (I have publication design experience), pitches and first chapters. If you think about it, that is pretty much first port of call by all agents and publishers, so it is still useful. I will always be sincere. When I put you on my book shelf, I will really mean it. If you put me on yours’, I will be indebted to you.]
i do believe my marketing stance is as worthwhile as any literay review you may get because that is how agents and publishers think, so I hope you will consider your presentation as previously mentioned by me. Mark Henderson really helped me with my own presentation on day one and that has had a n ongoing effect for me.
Ok. Ch 1. I am just going to look at the first few crucial paras.
No indenture on 1st para. second sentence sounds odd. Although I am a qualified proof reader and ahve sub-edited, i am not of the calibre of mark henderson and it would be interesting for you to get his view. he has written 'Overlooked'. What I have done instead, is arrogantly rephrased your para as when I had an assessment by TLC, I found that very helpful:
"Priscilla scanned the black water that would soon cradle her young husband. Not every quarry in the area promised to tuck a body away into its waters, as this one did. It cut into the rural hills in Ohio and was stationed at the end of a disused dirt track, which had been abandoned for at least 60 years. The dense, velevety, black night blanketed her choice with even more privacy."
second para I think it starts off quite oddly.
Please do not be diminished or annoyed by my comments. When I submitted my my first text to t he Literary consultancy - well I have come along way since then. i also hold the view that I will continue to improve my work and am very receptive to feedback.
I look forward to your comments about my work. warm wishes Yolanda/Eye of an artist.

Hi Debbie,
you and your mum really know how to write. The tension leading up to Dick's death works so much better because we know he's going to die, but we don't know how. I was sure she was going to attach the anchor to his belt and chuck it over the side of the boat (I actually think that could work better than the gunshot, which is a bit easy, maybe - as then you could have Dick, desperately hanging on to the side of the boat until his fingers slowly loosened, Pricilla shining the flashlight in his face as he pleaded with her, the boat tipping precariously, Pricilla then later realising she'd have to hone her technique as she'd nearly gone into the water too etc)
Sorry about that, got a bit carried away!
Anyway, as it is it's great, and on my shelf.
Cheers,
Simon

Interesting set-up. You've created characters that are easy to like -- Linda, a nice woman with an interesting business, Martin, who seems to genuinely love his mom and be a great husband to his wife... even Priscilla is likable when she isn't killing people. In fact, she may be a little too likable, and kill a little too rarely, to be believable as a sociopathic murderer. Still, I'm sure a great deal will be revealed in the chapters to come that will make it all plausible.

The phone conversation between Martin and his mother seems especially real and natural.

You are very good at setting up scenes and describing settings (e.g. Priscilla's house in Walnut Grove. Although there I think you meant "illusion" rather than "allusion.") And you have a nice sense of humour.

I wish you (both) success with this book, which I am putting on my shelf.

Best wishes,

Mary

Hi Deb, You sent me a message a while ago. I think I was a bit thrown off course by the biog with a long distance shot of you on a bike and a profile explaining about you and you mother. From a marketing point of view, it was not enticing. [I have publication design experience] and your book cover imagery was certainly dramatic. Just like publishers though I will have to be ruthless. There is inevitably something dated and Bond-like in connection to pistols. As for the knife it is very contemporary in terms of street crime and you would find a reluctance to use that on a cover I feel, and libraries may not want to stock it etc. All that may be required is some sort of subtle addition/change. In the meantime it does an excellent job in standing out, whereas your mug shot does not.
Due to kaputt computer, I wil only be looking only at Ch 1. My heart lurchs a bit when I am asked to read a thriller. I am one of a strange breed and find them hard going, but love to watch the films versions. So i will try to imagine Ch 1 as a film. Excellent title by the way!
Ch 1:
Please forgive me, but your grammar seems to immediately need attention. 'Alright this is it' seems like a good opening line. I feel you need to do a lot of work on this. Please note i'm not very good at reading on line and it does take me about 5 attempts. So i will keep flicking back to re-read and put it on my waiting list. if you check mine out... my work is very much in progress and i will retain all comments for when I finish my first draft.
regards, bye for now, Yolanda/Eye of an artist

From a readers POV I am loving reading this. It has certainly got me wanting to come back and read more.

CHAPTER 1
This is a great opening sentence: really grabs the attention straight away. I would reconsider the use of the word helter-skelter later on, however: can’t quite explain it but it seems not quite the right word for your purpose. Perhaps ‘irrationally’ or ‘haphazardly’?

“Sport’s store” shouldn’t have the apostrophe (sorry, misused apostrophes are a pet hate of mine: I normally ignore these sorts of errors when reviewing). I also think you might need to explain why a eutrophic quarry would help a body decompose efficiently. The word is unusual enough, but also the resultant scientific process that it implies is not obvious and the combination of these two, I think, deserves further explanation to ensure all your readers are with you.

One dollar an hour for babysitting? OUCH! That’s a badly-paid job. It’s a wonder anyone ever does it!

Excellent switch to Martin’s perspective later on in this chapter. Believable and upsetting: it’s clever of you to show the loss of Dick from the perspective of the other person in that unhappy little family. We’d been led to believe from the first portion of the story that, though Pricilla was doing a heinous thing, there must be good reason behind it. But seeing it from Martin’s point of view adds a whole other layer.

CHAPTER 2
I like the “thermodynamic” willpower. No need to give the dateline twice in this chapter: the reader will assume we’re still in the same date even after a narrative break unless advised otherwise. And “illusion” not “allusion” is the word you’re after in “the illusion that the house was smaller than it was.”

Interesting turn of events with Martin’s potential heart attack. Something tells me Linda’s going to get the blame for this, which spells trouble!

CHAPTER 3
“It was more ugly than most without trees or bushes around it” – I think you need a comma after most: are you saying the university hospital has no trees or bushed around it or that it is uglier even than other hospitals that don’t have these features? If the former, you need the comma. If the latter, ignore me!

The attention to detail on the part of Linda in this chapter is well-observed. So often in times of stress and anxiety, people tend to fixate on the little things. I might even up it a notch, but that’s likely just me.

“Did healing thoughts aid healing? She figures they certainly couldn’t hurt.” Not that this is anything really to do with your book, but as a point of interest, they can! In the only scientific, double-blind test on the subject ever done, it was found that a group of patients being prayed for for a speedy recovery without complications from kidney surgery actually fared worse on average than those that weren’t being prayed for! Bizarre, but true!

You need a pause between “… health problem.” And “I shouldn’t say that entirely.” It would seem more natural that there’s a break in Pricilla’s speech while she casts her memory back to consider the truth of her first statement. Nice research with the pneumonia, though: it can indeed cause heart problems later in life!

The condition is clearly well-researched too, and frightfully scary to think it can strike anyone, regardless of disposition or current health status!

OVERALL
This is a great read. I realise I haven’t yet read everything you’ve put on offer, but I’m impressed. The writing flows loosely, the characters are interesting and believable, and the story moves along at a good pace. I wish you the best of luck with this and it’s on my shelf to help it on its way.

Totally captivating! A book I would buy and not put down until I'd finished. On my shelf.

Darcia

Murder by Mother-in-Law - M.D. Hansen. I read the first 3 chapters closely and scanned 4 and several comments. Ordinary killers beware, Pricilla will wind and dry clean your clock and feel nothing. Killing her husband was about the most cold blooded writing I've read. Son of Sam comes to mind. Bookshelf for inventive (I hope) plot.

Some thoughts: both pitches need to sell the reader to read/buy the book - perhaps check other pitches of "successful" authors on site?; chapter one - "'The' hordes of ... her. She preferred absolute quite." - cleaner read and sentence structure; "... thoughts turned to the tender" - maybe change to 'boat' to avoid confusion?; "eutropic" - too big a word that slows the reader - suggest you explain or use other word; why not drop the gun in quarry?; chapter 2 - given style change I'm assuming 2nd writer wrote this one; "...with a deer. The accident..." - avoids run on sentence; new paragraph "She believed the..."

Gideon
The Oil Market Czar

This is good and vivid. Reminded me of Carver, a little, enough dread to go around. More like Lewis Robinson's story in Officer Friendly, more or less about the same thing. This first chapter makes you worry more than anything.

Holy Cow! This woman is scary and her sociopathic justification for murder is horrifying! This was a great read and i enjoyed it! There are some instances where you over-do your details & explanations and i picked up some very minor typos but a good first few chapters nonetheless. This has great potential! On my shelf!

Hi you two! I have just finished reading the first 3 chapters of your book. I am going to back it as soon as I finish these comments. I think the premise is very interesting and you do have talent. I think it needs a little more emotion especially with regard to Martin and his feelings toward his mother AND his father. However, you have set up the conflict between Linda and Priscilla very well. Well, onto my comments and keep in mind that I am no expert but I have been told I am pretty good at this.
CHAPTER ONE: 'furnishing the quarry'..I think you could find a better word than 'furnishing' such as 'blanketing' or even simply 'providing'. I would add 'croaking' before 'frogs' and delete 'croaking as if they had a throat obstruction'. People generally don't throw or toss beers as it shakes them up and causes the recipient to lost precious brew upon opening the can. I would either find a different way to get than beer to him or, at least, address the 'fizzing' issue. Delete 'he of the 32" waist'...seems like a quick add on. Delete the sentence that begins 'As a kid, she had....' as it detracts from the tension of the moment. '...to have lighted..' Shouldn't 'lighted' be 'lit'? Delete the sentence that begins 'The quarry was likely...' Delete 'He was sorry'. "Its hard on me discuss him.' You have left a word or two out of that sentence.
CHAPTER TWO: Delete the paragraph that begins 'After lowering the volume...' as you start the very next paragraph thinking about Dick so I don't think you don't need this one. Instead of '...,who gossiped as uncontrollably as a hot dog panted.' which sounds a bit awkward, how about simply 'an uncontrollable gossip'. Sometimes shorter sentences increase tension. 'This must it'...you've left something out again. "Two uniformed women leaped out and hurried to Martin.'...Yet it is AFTER this that Linda tells them where he is, so I would eliminate the 'hurried to Martin' reference here. 'Since theft was....' I would delete this sentence as no explanation is needed here.
CHAPTER THREE: Delete the sentence that begins 'Martin didn't even...' Its not necessary and there's more tension without it. "Yes, but lets not think of that yet." I think this might be better as something like "Yes, but we are doing everything to save him." I don't think you need to give such a detailed description of the waiting room. We have all been in one and they are all basically the same. In this case, let your smart reader use their imagination. First, you tell us that Dick is 'probably-likely dead' but then a bit later you say Dick's family could only think of money after he died. Seems contradictory. 'She was old - 68'. Instead of 'old', I would say something like 'She was getting up there in age - 68'. The word 'old' is very subjective and, besides, 68 isn't really that old anymore.
Well, thats it. Except that I don't understand why you use italics sometimes. Also, some commas missing here and there. You have a tendancy to over-explain alot, so be careful of that. Always remember that your reader is smart. But, overall, this is quite a thriller and you are well on your way to a great novel! Backing it now...

You spin this nightmare scenario very well. There is a very comprehensive attention to detail with a good amount of pace and action, you have also set up the scene for a future with a anti-hero of the most difficult type - a relative how is so over zealous she is bonkers! Makes a good read. Best of luck.