Trust Network

Hi Rick.

Your protagonist is larger than life. Your opening is strong with high action, proof of your valued writing skills since all she is doing is purchasing food. Your two main characters have great chemistry. Great surprise for youthful characters to be knowledgeable and smart with the current hot trend- electronics. Intelligent hacker talk and well researched information. Endearing that Brian wants to protect Xochitl, yet his computer concepts
are sure to be what gets her in trouble.

On my shelf. Good luck.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

I am with Rick on the way you paint your world, I can picture it well, I had a hard time reading chapter one. And it is more along the lines that I am completely computer illiterate and had no clue as to what they were talking about half the time.
Like I have to ask Jamie to do the simplest of computer related things, so... I will keep going though. I love how your mc zones out and how uncomfortable it makes Brian. So, when you aren't speaking above my head, I've enjoyed it.
Legends must of just about killed you, huh?
Anyway, okay, I'm going to bed, and will read more later. :)
Oh, and while you were outta town, you won the contest, and I posted your guest blog post. :)
xxxx
Sarah

Rick,

Welcome to the site. Just had a read of a couple of chapters - that's roughly what most people will read, on average, unless they really take to your story or style. I made some notes as I read, so here are my thoughts.

One of my first questions when I read your pitch was 'how do I pronounce that name?' Hey presto! First couple of lines, 'So-chee'!!! Thank you...that's the mark of a writer who cares about the reader's experience.

There are lots of nice little details here - as much a comment on society in general as telling us about Xochitl's world - the cashier's blase attitude to security, for example. Nice use of motifs, too - breaking eye contact, maintaining eye contact.

Now, I'm a patient man - don't mind long opening chapters if they're written well. Other folks might not share my attitude. I get the feeling that some folks here might well chide you about your opener. It's a personal expression of preferences. I think it's okay, but there is a lot of back story here and there may be a case for chopping that and moving into the chapters just after your opening - in other words until after we give a damn about Xochitl. By the end of ch two I was starting to do just that, but it wasn't because of her backstory - it was because of the personality you gave her. It's just a suggestion, obviously.

Other than that, there's not much to pick fault with here. It's a nice neat ms, paragraphing's consistent, dialogue's good...you done this before? :-)

Good luck with this - the pitch tells me it's an interesting concept. Based on that, and on what I've read, I'm happy to give you some shelf space.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)