Siren

hello Sydney,

You have an eerily amazing story here told superbly. The details are plentiful, the descriptions are vivid and the characters are well proportioned. Overall, this is a well-written story that deserves to be treated with respect. Rightly backed.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Sydney
I was going to ask for a read swap but on reading your pitch I suddenly found myself 3 chapters deep into your book. You got me!
For that, you have my support.
Thank you
David
Green Ore

Sydney, you've got me terrified. You certainly know how to write a chiller. Well, you certainly know how to write. Seriously, I won't read anymore now because it's late, and it's too much of an unnerving book for night. I'll read more tomorrow in the cold light of day. Backing it in the meantime,
Lynn

Hello, Sydney - Glad to drop by here. First off, a snappy little pitch. Anyone who uses the phrase ‘lay waste’ outside of Latin class is all right in my book, m’dear. Here are my other random thoughts, as they occurred:

- “elegant glow”: nice imagery. You have some lovely descriptions here. I’ve read some great ones tonight;
- “Oak, Ash, Elm and Maple”: not sure I’d capitalise those. But not *positive*. Sorry;
- “any [given] direction”: delete the ‘given’, I think. Felt over-written;
- “shimmer with a sadness”: nicely done, m’dear. This whole passage has a very gentle, child-like feel to it. Masterfully crafted;
- “spilled through gaps in the forest canopy… like golden liquid”: love it;
- “radiant with the stardust of enchantment”: felt a *little* too much. But only just;
- there are too many good lines here: “caffeinated kangaroo” – top stuff;
- you seem to be a lady who likes her music. Have you read ‘Prelude’ on the site, by Pinkie? Please do go and check it out. Exquisite stuff. Tell her I sent you, ‘cos she’s ace.

Otherwise, m’dear, a great little opening, and certainly worth a moment on the shelf. Might I trouble you to drop by ‘Pistols’ before the end of the month and let me have your brief thoughts? Am trying desperately to stay on that infernal desk this month, if I can… Best of luck with ‘Siren’, either way - sestius

No comment.

BK

The prolouge reminds me of my character, Lisbeth, so much. You captured Jen's suffering and the descriptions so very well. Keep up the good work. You're on the right track with this story.

hello Sydney,

You have an eerily amazing story here told superbly. The details are plentiful, the descriptions are vivid and the characters are well proportioned. Overall, this is a well-written story that deserves to be treated with respect. Rightly backed.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Sydney
I was going to ask for a read swap but on reading your pitch I suddenly found myself 3 chapters deep into your book. You got me!
For that, you have my support.
Thank you
David
Green Ore

Siren...

Your opening scene broke my heart. Would I could change the world...and I get the feeling that you want to change it, too.

Jen's characterization is deep and compelling, and your story (based on your partial) is compelling, too.

Overall, the writing is very fine, but I would eliminate your adverbs (agents dislike them...The First Five Pages by Noah Lukeman.)

I'm wondering about Ryan's name given the actor of the same name. Not sure I like the echoes that name creates. Perhaps simply change his last name.

Also, I'm wondering if you need the longish flashback (in italics) in the second scene in c.1. Consider condensing it to its main points.

I agree with TheatreGirl's comment that this ms. could do with some tightening (e.g., do you need the "wherever it might lead her" at the end of c.1?), but once that's done, this is ready.

Have fun on your way to the Editor's Desk.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Hi Sydney,
Read this with interest. it is an enjoyable read and it is clear you can write well. The pace is good, characterisation is stunning and the descriptive passages a plasure to read.
A lot of editors suggest not to use flashacks unless they are essential and when you do make it as seemless as possible (Sol Stein 'Solutions for writers').
Also, for my ten cent's worth, I would avoid braking up the dialogue quite so much with qualifying pharases and adverbs. Ever tried speaking at the same time as giggling?
'Sonya gushed'
'Jen asked confused.' You dont need the confused, the writing in the speechmarks should show the confusion and if it doesn't then re-write it. Nothing wrong with just 'he said' 'she said' it strengthens the writing.
Sounds as if I don't like your writing but that isn't so.
You write extremely well and this is a good story which I enjoyed reading.
Shelved.
Best
Fred

Sydney,

Enticingly eerie. Your writing painted some vivid pictures in my mind. Excellent premise, too. Happy to shelve this.

Heidi
Turning Red

Dear Sydney,
There is a great deal of naysaying from agents and editors about how much they dislike prologues. Just passing that along, suggesting that rather than call it a "prologue," it's just a first section of the chapter.

You create a great deal of suspense. Things should be normal – but they're not.
Suggest you pull another sentence out of the opening to hook the reader. Right now, stating the year and that it's summer is nice, but not riveting.
Tiny prayers seems awkward; maybe "small"?
We don't know the name of the little girl. Creating more suspense … who is she? (Which is good, forcing the reader to go on to get answers to questions.)

Sometimes we don't have to walk all around the block to get to the heart of the matter. Eg, the explanation for nicknaming Carrot Top could be simplified. "He had red hair and an elongated spine – just like a carrot top." And then she calls him that.

All the set-up with Jen and the camp: Bit of an info dump. It's like the writer has come down to the stage to explain what's going on. This could be more organic; conversations with other people, internal thought.

Italics usually signify internal dialogue, rather than a flashback.

You tell us that she feels like the New Kid. Why not show it? She goes to join people and they shun her; gatherings happening without her, etc.

When Ryan asks her to collaborate, instead of telling us she was overwhelmed, we hear her thoughts. And we see her overcome her fears. Now we get a character who's much more animated, rather than hearing about her in a roundabout manner. The analysis after "She wasn't sure if it was because …" can be so much simpler. What if she simply liked him? Was attracted to him, e.g., "Besides, she'd never seen a boy who had such deep dimples before." Take it to a more visceral, less cerebral level.

More depiction of life! Vibrant characters moving in their world, bouncing, colliding, hiding from each other. The old show vs. tell please.

You create a great puzzle by chapter end. What's wrong with this poor, lovely, sad girl? And what about that hand that soothed her (we assume it's her) to sleep when she was a child? All so intriguing, we are forced to turn the page. Shelved.

While I love your story's premise, I wasn't drawn in by the first three chapters. Probably results from structure as opposed to the actual writing, although I do think you tell (via interior monologue) more than show.

Read Jack W. Bickham's Scene and Structure -- helped me a lot. By creating actual scenes which are more like short stories (but linked to the whole), and each with their own arc and whole bunches of conflict, interior and exterior, you'll be able to improve your story significantly.

Keep on writing.

Cheers,
Sheryl

Hi Sydney.

This is a very accomplished piece of writing. I'm more than happy to back it.

Good luck.

Michael Ashley Torrington, author, 'Kristin.'

Beautiful cover, beautifully written and beautifully paced. Just beautiful and on my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Oh Sydney,

This is wonderful. I can't think of anything to crit. It all flowed so smoothy. Loved Jen and the first scene with her when she was a child was upsetting. Brilliant.

Now I've got a dilema. What book on my shelf am I going to take off to make room for you?

On my watch list till I decide.

Joanna

Hi Sydney,
This is a good read, very vivid, very real. Your premise is scary, it's a great hook and makes me want to read on.
Jen is well drawn, you do a good job of showing how she deals with her powers, how having denied them she now needs to use them. It's thought provoking, what she might be able to do with them.
You write well, you have created an atmosphere here, one which sucks the reader in.
This is pacy and grippping, good job, and on my shelf!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Sydney,
A great story. From the first time I read the Odyssey I loved the concept of the Sirens. I think you've found a wonderful way to incorporate that story into your supernatural tale here. You give us a touch of hints in chapter one that something is coming and by the end of chapter two, we know the good stuff is on the way. You build up suspense very well. Only one suggestion. Ryan O'Neil...the name jumps too much off the page because of the actor Ryan O'Neal. Granted, he's not so famous as he used to be, but is in the news a little more now because of his ex-wife Farrah Fawcett. If I were you I would consider changing Ryan's last name, even to something only slightly different. I know how difficult it is to change a character's name, but in this case a last name modification might be worth considering.
Great story, on my shelf.
Jeff

Hello, Sydney - Glad to drop by here. First off, a snappy little pitch. Anyone who uses the phrase ‘lay waste’ outside of Latin class is all right in my book, m’dear. Here are my other random thoughts, as they occurred:

- “elegant glow”: nice imagery. You have some lovely descriptions here. I’ve read some great ones tonight;
- “Oak, Ash, Elm and Maple”: not sure I’d capitalise those. But not *positive*. Sorry;
- “any [given] direction”: delete the ‘given’, I think. Felt over-written;
- “shimmer with a sadness”: nicely done, m’dear. This whole passage has a very gentle, child-like feel to it. Masterfully crafted;
- “spilled through gaps in the forest canopy… like golden liquid”: love it;
- “radiant with the stardust of enchantment”: felt a *little* too much. But only just;
- there are too many good lines here: “caffeinated kangaroo” – top stuff;
- you seem to be a lady who likes her music. Have you read ‘Prelude’ on the site, by Pinkie? Please do go and check it out. Exquisite stuff. Tell her I sent you, ‘cos she’s ace.

Otherwise, m’dear, a great little opening, and certainly worth a moment on the shelf. Might I trouble you to drop by ‘Pistols’ before the end of the month and let me have your brief thoughts? Am trying desperately to stay on that infernal desk this month, if I can… Best of luck with ‘Siren’, either way - sestius

Sydney, you've got me terrified. You certainly know how to write a chiller. Well, you certainly know how to write. Seriously, I won't read anymore now because it's late, and it's too much of an unnerving book for night. I'll read more tomorrow in the cold light of day. Backing it in the meantime,
Lynn

scary and evocative, disturbing, a twisted reality beckoning the reader into your story.

"the thoughts of wrongness" she pushes from her conscious mind, which make her heart ache--an interesting idea.

you are very good at putting the reader into the situations you describe so vividly.

your imagination has created something spooky, and you have peopled your book with believable characters.

i am putting this on my shelf and wish you all the best with it.

freddie

Hi Sydney! I found the premise of your book to be intriguing. The strength of your story comes when the characters interact. You handle that very well. For example, I found Ryan and Jen to play off each other well. (Ryan's name is the same as a famous actor. I don't know if you meant that.) To be honest, as interesting as the Prologue is, the story only really got going for me as a reader when Ryan and Jen met. It's just a suggestion, but could the beginning be written in a more active way to draw the reader in? In any case, You have something here and this book deserves to rise in the ranks. Good luck with this and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Your descriptions of place and people paint pictures in my mind as I read. That's one helluva skill. Solid pace, tense and arresting, I'm enjoying this. You've taken me into the story and I hope I won't be let go. I will read more and let you know.

Hi Sydney.
I loved the tone of your pitch, nicely ominous, and this was followed by a truly heart-rending prologue. When we got fully into Jen's story though, I found that the style had changed. You went from emotive to slightly dry and detached which, for me, felt a little disconcerting. Not that I didn't like what you'd written, I just would have preferred to see the same depth of empathic style carried on.
I think you might want to look at culling some unnecessary stuff, 'quintessentially' was one word that leapt out at me straight away. In the style of the prologue you just about got away with it (although it's still a superfluous word) but had it appeared in the text of ch 1, it would have been totally out of place. 'In it's elegant glow' was another.
You don't need capitals for tree species, oak, elm, maple, etc.
There are also some overlong sentences which would have far greater impact were they shorter and tighter.
When you change to past tense, watch the overuse of 'had been.' For ex: 'The arrival had been..' would read better as 'The arrival was..'
'think of him in her head..' watch also for obvious repetitions like this. Can you think NOT in your head?
You have two sentences starting with 'Even'...'Even more..' 'Even though..'
When Jen has the flashback to her 11-year-old self, you could make it easier for the reader to understand what's happening if you change 'asked eleven-year-old Jen..' to 'an eleven-year-old Jen had asked..'
Jen does quite a lot of internalising when she arrives at college and you might want to break some of it into smaller chunks. I think we could also do with a bit of a hint as to why her earlier classmates disliked her.
After she meets Ryan for the first time we're told he 'stumbles over his words..' yet he only spoke a couple of sentences and you didnt indicate any stumbling. Then she reflects that he's 'very well-read and intelligent..' yet she's only just met him!
One last nitpick, watch out for overuse of exclamation marks.
Hope these comments aren't coming over as negative, Sydney. I think Siren has huge potential and would certainly read more. It's the sort of book I'd pick up in a bookshop and if your pitch was the blurb, I definitely buy it. On that basis, you're shelved, and the very best of luck.
Cas.

Whoa, the prologue was frightening! I like Jen, great character. I love the premise - very scary. Great story. Shelved.
R Russell

Hi Sydney,

I'm liking what I've read so far. Very powerful opening, full of emotion. Has me wondering what the heck the mom's deal is, her husband quaking in fear and screaming in agony?

Jen's character comes across as natural, quite likeable. Good insights into what makes her tick.

The writing itself is solid, although personally I would tighten it up just a bit, make a few cuts of unnecessary verbiage (ex: "the sun-roasted, wind-baked tarmac") I'm sure these are things you'll address in your final edit.

Great job overall, I'm happy to place you on my shelf!

Matt Rogers

Haunting and frightening with mystery that just pulls me in.

The one comment I would made to you in terms of improving your story would be to read this out loud. You have in your very first chapter several grammatical errors which hinder the flow of reading. For example look at your forth paragraph at the bottom where you talk about Linda Rondstat. Anyway, you'll see one example there.

Read it out loud. It will help you catch errors.

I'm shelving this because I was really drawn to Jen and the story behind her frightening gift.

Wishing you the best with this.

Rachel May

Dear Sydney,


This is a frightening concept, ie your pitch and synopsis.

Present tense. Good. It makes it immediate. Your prologue is chilling. Very emotional. Into past tense now and reading. You write much longer than I do. I edit my stuff very tight.

I have read two chapters and placed Siren on my bookshelf.

Modern story telling I believe and very different to my own.

I also decided to take a peek and read chapter seven.

Difficult to comment because I am not target market and don’t know what’s selling in the bookstores. You might consider increasing character dialogue and paring long narrative.

But certainly on my bookshelf.

Have fun with your writing. I find it therapeutic because I can live in a different world other than the real one.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

I am thoroughly enjoying this, Sydney. Enthralling stuff; captivating and ... erm ... spookey! Love the connections, the ancient times thing: that theme stops me in my tracks, often. Your writing is ... what is it? ... ah yes, lyrical. Yeah! Moves alng with a rythm all of its own. I kinda feel lulled. S'nice!

I do hope this does well for you. It should. Let's get it on shelves, huh? And not just on these cyber ones. Borders? Foyles? WH Smiths, even!

Keep writing, Sydney. It's what you do, right?

James

Doesn't that get into copyright infringement and all that nonsense?

Well, the one I found for CULT OF THE STARS (which I suspect you'll agree is apropriate ;-]) is in public domain... and people seem to be getting away with it all over the place 'round here (a quick glance at my current bookshelf'll show you... a rather hard-to-miss old friend... on the cover of an obviously-inspired-in-part-but-still-original-its-own-right book). Since any published versions of material seen here is unlikely in any case to wind up w/ their authonomy covers, it's more or less nonprofit use and goes easily under the radar of whatever watchdogs.

As to finding a cover... Just do a google image search for Sirens, Leviathons, whatever, save image of choice to your own files, then upload it into that part of the "edit book" walk-through. Their system here does the reducing and whathaveyou. Not quite photoshop-destinctive, but it'll still stand out better.

Doesn't that get into copyright infringement and all that nonsense?

As to finding a cover... Just do a google image search for Sirens, Leviathons, whatever, save image of choice to your own files, then upload it into that part of the "edit book" walk-through. Their system here does the reducing and whathaveyou. Not quite photoshop-destinctive, but it'll still stand out better.

Hey Jason,

You're not the first to suggest a different cover, but I have yet to figure out how/where to get one, other than messing around in Photoshop until I get something I like. Any suggestions?

Thanks,
Sydney

I'm enjoying this. The music... ha I second guesed that she would want to sing that song. Sirens have always captivated me and so has this. I hope you get round to putting up your own cover to help this stand out because I kept missingout on this thinking I'd already read it.
Best of luck
Jason
Palace of Wonder

Paul -

LOL!! If your only gripe is the use of one word, I'll take that as a compliment. :) Thank you for the shelf space, and the luck. Regardless of how good anyone's book is, I think we could all use a little of that to get us to the Editor's Desk. :)

Sydney

Sydney my only complaint is the use of the word 'quintissential' - silly I know but its a bit of a overused word. apart from that I like it and I will back it. Its a good read and a page turner, well paced amd quirky. Good luck with this but you shouldnt need it.

Paul

Ah, but you see, there's the problem. Her response doesn't *have* a reason that can be easily identified as anything other than what it is: a combination of instinct and the way her soul is interacting with his at that point, and in the context of the scene and that particular relationship, to give it a more concrete reason would be to cheapen that relationship, and undermine the surreal, what-the-bleep-is-going-on-here vibe in her head.

As to how well that precise state of things is comunicated, I'll need a look at the full present draft before I can say anything (or decide not to). You, um, know where to find me.

As to the theory that I'm overreacting....umm, no. Things would have been much less of a big deal, but I do not and will not tolerate anyone implying that depression is a "state of mind" that one can be "motivated" out of, anywhere, in any forum or venue. I don't draw very many black-and-white lines in the sand, but that's one of them, and I'm not letting anyone cross it, ever.

As I have... a bit of firsthand knowledge in, the fewer morals/"black-and-white lines in the sand" a person has, the stronger they'll tend to stick to those they have. So yeah, I get you there.

Hi Sydney. This is on target for today's market. Jen is a churning damsel in destress who must save herself. Excellent building suspense through her actions to avoid her bad fate. Great yearning for love, a universal desire that will appeal to every reader. No one can help but feel joy with her when she receives praise for her talents. No one can help but feel sorry for her when she is alone with her thoughts. You painted a clear artistic personality reaching for love and validation through her talents. And then the complete circle of returning to her misery. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

Sydney,

I am the author of Standalone Farm (sci fi/horror). Your synopsis is interesting. Would you care to do a book swap? i.e. we critique and possibly back each others?

Paul Samuel

For instance, the average person, even if they HAVE dealt with suicidal loved ones, might not be able to grasp how Gen could accept Erik's decision. So exploring further HOW Gen's able to come to terms with that and arrives at the decision she makes would actually strengthen that relationship within the story.

Ah, but you see, there's the problem. Her response doesn't *have* a reason that can be easily identified as anything other than what it is: a combination of instinct and the way her soul is interacting with his at that point, and in the context of the scene and that particular relationship, to give it a more concrete reason would be to cheapen that relationship, and undermine the surreal, what-the-bleep-is-going-on-here vibe in her head.

As to the theory that I'm overreacting....umm, no. Things would have been much less of a big deal, but I do not and will not tolerate anyone implying that depression is a "state of mind" that one can be "motivated" out of, anywhere, in any forum or venue. I don't draw very many black-and-white lines in the sand, but that's one of them, and I'm not letting anyone cross it, ever.

Syd, while I obviously know what you mean... in the context of where you are, that's not abuse; that's what you'll find around here. Reader responses, however painfully naive they may come across, are responses to your characters and situations within what context you've provided on the page, not personal attacks or dismissals on whomever/whatever inspired the work, of which the reader knows nothing. One reason your here is to get a sense of how it all plays to just any random stranger, and even the most uselessly hurtful responses can offer SOME window. For instance, the average person, even if they HAVE dealt with suicidal loved ones, might not be able to grasp how Gen could accept Erik's decision. So exploring further HOW Gen's able to come to terms with that and arrives at the decision she makes would actually strengthen that relationship within the story.

That said, what is it with this soft-belly mentality of insisting on character *likeability* - on a lot of unbelievable, superficial conventionally, acceptably nice behavior shoehorned in - over making them genuinely *interesting*. Some of the greatest books ever written have nary a "likeable person" per say in the principal cast (in fact, you list at least one of them in your favorite books in your profile), and I don't think any of those bigshit film critics who voted "Citizen Kane" the best film of all time did so because the protagonist is such a swell, cuddly, loveable guy.

Another big grain of salt to keep in mind... You're not only dealing with a bunch of other writers running a whole gamut of how much they know what the fuck they're talking about as opposed to Constant Reader, but a friggin' internet community of such, and I don't think I need to dissect the even-more-discriminating-grain-of-salt-demanding can of worms THAT entails. In honing your craft by bouncing it off other people, it's good to strike a balance between other writers, people who are more just readers, and those who are in between, both those who do would generally pick up the kind of stuff you read and those who don't.

One thing I'm getting a sharp reminder of here, about other writers on the internet, is this weird tendency they have to give advice that seems to directly contradict what you've learned from, y'know, reading a lot. Particularly when it comes to pacing and structure. Personally, though I confess I haven't gotten to give this latest draft of Siren a close, careful read, I *like* the way you've restructured the plot. So it takes the reader on an easier flow through things than the earlier, faster but more fragmented pacing did. Yet it's exactly the sort of thing where writers love to advise each other to do exactly the opposite. Occasionally you'll even get technical suggestions that turn out to *actually not be supported by going back to look at the text*. It's all very weird. But hardly worth letting any of them get you irately worked up.

As a twisted sort of back-handed cheer-up, you wanna see some REAL idiocy from right within the field, check out an actual response I got from an editor:

I just read “Inheritance of Sin”. As it is now, I do not think that it is a worthy sequel to Formal Dinner and Demon Dreams. In sequels, characters usually grow or mature and they also become more likable. If anything, the returning characters in this story become much less likable, and they do not seem to have matured at all. Your readers are going to find themselves booing a “hero” (or even an antihero) who turns the victim of black magic over to an angry mob for summary justice as a pedophile and then kills an innocent minister in cold blood to protect the life of a habitual witch. If he was doing it for love, maybe. Better yet, if he were under the effect of sorcery. But it has been made clear that he is supposed to be a mythological hero reborn. And the witch gets all the breaks. She keeps using black magic to get her way—and then she inherits a fortune. Yes, life can be this unfair, but readers do not want their horror to be this unfair.

No, wait, it gets funnier:

In suspense fiction the strongest, most cunning and most amoral can be the victor, but in classic horror fiction all the strength, cunning and single mindedness in the world will not save you if you are up against someone with a pure heart. That is why Dracula never triumphs.

Y'know what, you're right. This book does go to some very dark places. Not everyone is going to be able to connect with that. If you're blessed enough to have never suffered in your life, such that you cannot imagine someone being pushed to the point of not caring what happens to them, or talking themselves into making the wrong decisions because they're young, hurting, and somehow still naive in spite of it all, be grateful for what you have and leave this book alone.
You seem to me a person who judges without considering another's point of view. You are so convinced of your own righteousness that someone with depression must be "motivated" into overcoming it. True depression is a disease, not a state of mind, and for some, none of the treatment options work. If someone is truly in that much pain, that they wish for death every minute of every day, and medicine has no power to ease their suffering, they should be allowed to do whatever is in their power to relieve it themselves.

You are entitled to your opinions, but please refrain from expressing them on this thread again. If you do, I will report it as abuse.

Okay, I have to say that Siren is pretty dark reading. It seems that you were kinda blase about the whole suicide issue which isn't really making me as a reader connect with this story. The development of the plot seems pretty bogged down and I don't get why Jenny would even fall in love with John when he seems like such an emotional wimp especially since she was so in love with Eric. It also made me wonder if the characters could have more depth to them as I couldn't really follow why she would have felt anything serious for Ryan when in the beginning it seemed like she wasn't too impressed, and it sounded more like a first crush scenario to me and college guys just can't do the long-distance relationship very well if its not really really serious. I think if you tone down the whole angst ridden vibe which necessitated her being sexually abused as a child (which we never really knew about until it came up while they were watching a movie) and her contemplating suicide, but being able to handle being raped whilst in a mental hospital by her doctor (s) without a qualm and entering into such shallow relationships (except for Eric which is why I don't understand how she can "understand" his position on wishing to take his own life rather then trying to motivate him into overcoming his depression) it would make Jenny a more likable person.

Hi Joanna,

Thank you for taking the time to read Siren. While I appreciate the feedback, and will take it under advisement, it's difficult for a critic to maintain credibility when she doesn't address that feedback to the correct author.

Thanks,
Sydney Isle [Siren]

Janene,

I advise you to get an original cover to make your book stand out from the crowd. Many books on here have the same cover as yours and it make them melt into the background.

You plot is very powerful, but I think you should do the prologue entriely from Jennifer's view point. This would make it even more powerful. And after the first 'little girl' just call her Jennifer.

On my Watch List.

Joanna

Janene,

I advise you to get an original cover to make your book stand out from the crowd. Many books on here have the same cover as yours and it make them melt into the background.

You plot is very powerful, but I think you should do the prologue entriely from Jennifer's view point. This would make it even more powerful. And after the first 'little girl' just call her Jennifer.

On my Watch List.

Joanna

Hi Janene,

I definitely appreciate the feedback on Siren. Good catch on the pitch--finger dyslexia is hard to notice sometimes!

In answer to your question about the use of present tense in the prologue, I had two reasons: first, the scene initially wrote itself in my head in present tense, which is rather abnormal for me, so I ran with it, and when the first few editing sweeps didn't reveal either (a) an easy way to shift to past tense, or (b) a burning desire to shift it out of present tense, I decided to keep it. Second, the present tense (at least to me) has a vortex-like effect in that scene, pulling the reader into the scene as if they were seeing it in a Pensieve, as opposed to watching it on a movie screen. Typically, I'm not very fond of using present tense either, but in small doses, it can be very effective.

As for the lyrics, I've gone back and forth with myself on that several times, and still haven't completely made up my mind on it. I'll take a second look now and see what I think. *pause for quick scene scan* Y'know what, you're right... it has even more punch if I cut the lyrics at "Someone's thinking of me, and loveing me tonight."

At the start of chapter 1, it's not supposed to be clear that this is the same girl.

--whoops... ride's here. Will write more from home. Glad to hear your son made a successful (read: injury free) attempt at bouncing. :)

Okay, I'm back now. Where was I again? Oh yeah, the brick wall. Another good catch. It's actually a decorative wall that juts out from the side of the building. I'll be correcting that on the next sweep. Thanks! :)

Question... which open mic night are you referring to? There are three of them. I'm going to assume you mean the first one for now. Am I right?

You're right; "tell" vs "show" has always been one of my weaknesses. Luckily, you're the second person to say they want more dialogue, so let the confidence building begin on that front. ;-) And here I've been thinking I sucked at dialogue all this time. LOL!

Thank you again. You've given me lots of great stuff to work with on future editing sweeps.

Hi Heather! Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on Siren. :) So far it's been close friends and family giving me feedback, so I've been anxious to see what the unbiased crowd has to say. And yes, I'm extremely drawn to Greek mythology myself, and the Sirens in particular, though I've found the research material almost hopelessly sparse on them. If you know of anyplace I can find more details on them, I'd be delighted if you'd share. I want to tie in more of the Siren mythologies as I get deeper into the story.

I agree, there's probably some adjective-oriented fat to be trimmed here and there. Funny you should pick that particular sentence, though; I've been contemplating whether to add into the story the fact that her mother being heavy is emotionally significant to Jen, and just how scary it is later on when her mother becomes the frail, broken woman we see after Jen comes home from the hospital. I left it out initially because I couldn't quite figure out how to work it in, but it just might have clicked for me now. :)

Wow... you want *more* dialogue. LOL. And here I was trying to put in enough to make the story come alive but still avoid it as much as possible because I never thought I was any good at it! In all honest, dialgoue is the scariest part fo writing for me. I can paint Rembrandts with words till the cows come home, but making characters talk to each other in a way that's natural to them?? Yikes!! But yes, I like your idea about filling out that first conversation between Jen and Ryan to make it even more disruptive to the psyche.

Thank you again... and by the way, Spirit of Atlantis is an absolutely stunning work! I'd love to see another chapter or two when you feel like showing them. :)

Continuing ….(BTW, my son’s okay.)
-you kind of gloss over her performance at open mic night. I’d have like to seen a little more here. Also, you slip into ‘tell’ mode, bouncing back with the paragraph beginning, ‘Saturday night…’, though you use the word ‘gothic’ too much.
-nice last line.
Chapter 2:
-I like the way you describe her inner transformation
-I see more ‘tell’ vs. ‘show’

Okay, I’m going to end there. When you slip into dialogue and/or action that moves the story forward, it is absolutely magic and you really shine. But you slip into ‘tell’ mode more often than you should, and describe things that aren’t necessary at the moment and stalls the story. I love your word choices, as well as their flow, and think this whole story is compelling.

Well, that’s it! I hope my comments help. When you read critiques always remember one thing: the reviewer could be full of crap. That includes me. This is my opinion, so take it for what it’s worth. You have a gift, milady, and I enjoyed the read. Best of luck!

I finally got to your story: I typically do a running commentary followed by overall remarks. Here they are:

‘Ordinary’ is spelled wrong in your pitch! First line, too. Change it before the police get here!
Prologue
-‘less unpleasant’ – why not ‘more pleasant’
-just a question: Why present tense? I know agents/publishers aren’t big fans of it, so you must make sure you have an excellent reason why you’re using it. Be prepared to defend this.
-the pink AM/FM radio, nice detail. The whole vignette is great. I can picture the girl sitting there, poor thing.
-I don’t know if you need to include so much of the song lyrics
‘On a first impression, it’s dark….” – I see what you’re trying to accomplish here, but I’m not sure if it works. I would sound better as a stage direction in a screen play. Hmm… I’ve got to think on this one. Like the idea and imagery, just have to work a little more on execution.
-when the girl says ‘damn’ door, she seems a little less sweet and pitiful. She sounds older than 8, too.
Chapter 1:
-Is this the same girl? Not clear right away.
-Nice imagery/description here. All of it is nice, actually. Here’s a feather for your cap!
-How did Ryan come around from behind her if she’s sitting on a brick wall?
- Nice dialogue. You do dialogue well, too. Another feather!
-Don’t say Shakespeare-themed T-shirt twice. Maybe ‘Where’d the hell he find that, anyway?” (nice detail,though!)

Shoot! My son just got hurt outside. Gotta go, but I’ll be by later to pick this up. So far, love the writing style – flows very easily and pacing is spot on.

Yikes! Leaving now!

This book transports a person to a magical realm where anything is possible with all thought and dreams. Where magic and love are possible not once but more times than anyone could think was possible. I loved the story, I loved helping edit it, and I will love watching other people thoughts and feelings on it.