Wolf Mask

Effectively paced and imaginative. Thanks for sharing your story. Best of luck in your writing career.

~Sherry

http://www.sherrysoule.com

Hello! My name is Lindsay and I am seeking some feedback for my book, Parker and the Parallelium. I'm hoping to find some good advice for my next round of edits. Anything you could offer would be greatly appreciated! I'd be happy to swap reads if you are interested- just let me know. Thanks for your time!

Lindsay Nagode
Parker and the Parallelium: Into the Beyond

Holy Perfect For The YA Genre!!!
You have this frickin' pegged.
Love your short pitch, this is totally what would be on a book cover.
You have the voice down pat. Seriously, this is way better than all the wolfy books I have read before. Shiver and Blood and Chocolate have nothing on this. You should have this published it is way better than what is out there right now.
backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

I can see the young adult age group enjoying this. Its well-written with some great dialogue. You do have a lot going on so just be careful you don't end up confusing your reader. And the crescent birthmark is a little cliched. You have a great imagination so I'm sure you could come with something else.

Hi Rachel,

There's a wealth of really good ideas here, but sometimes so much is going on at once that it all gets a little confused. I think maybe that's because you have ideas just spilling out so fast! Lucky you:)

Ash is a great character and I like the fact that the werewolves are guarding the humans from vampires. It reminded me a little of the Riley Jenson guardian series by Keri Arthur.

I'm not sure about the crescent moon birthmark though as it could be a little cliched? The House of Night series have crescent moon birthmarks in them (and on the covers), so I wondered whether you could come up with something different?The problem with paranormal novels is finding something that hasn't already been done - as I've found out myself. There are so many books in the genre now that it's getting tougher and tougher.
Perhaps it could be a weirdly shaped birthmark that from a certain angle looks like a wolf's head . . . but is that cliched too? Aaargh.

But as I said before, you have something good here and with a bit of tweaking I think it will be something great.
I'm going to give you a spin on my shelf and wish you lots of luck.
I've read three chapters so far, but will be back when I have more time:)

Berni
(Fledgling)

Okay, hurry up and write the rest of this! I love the story.
It needs editing, but that can be worked on when you're done. (And I volunteer to help. :) )
So get busy, and let me know when you've got more. K?
Will lurve you forever. :)
Sarah

NO! Just two chapters?
Okay, I loved these two chapters. You've peaked my interest and I will be back for more!
shelved, bc I love the writing!
:) Sarah

Hi Rachel,

I’m a sucker for a good werewolf story, and your intro reminds me of Twilight for the supernatural romance side of things. Loved it. Lots of hints about what’s likely to happen, yet only enough given away to keep us intrigued. Nice job. I think you’ve picked the right market too – definitely reads as suitable for YA.

Nitpicks: It’s a tad wordy. I’d suggest tightening it up a bit – stick to the stuff that moves the story forward and work the rest in as flavour where needed. There’s lots of talk about things the girls are interested in, but the way it’s presented sometimes holds the story up for a paragraph or two. You also ‘tell’ us a lot about Mikayla’s thoughts, which began to get a little intrusive at times. As it’s from her POV anyway, anything you show us will obviously be from her perspective - you don't need to make it obvious.

Backed.

Cheers and good luck,
Chris

Apologise for the delay in reading your MS, I have read this over a few days, between editing and holidaying. I really enjoyed the whole read, It's full on and has a great plot. Being a first time writer myself I can not comment on Grammatics but just to let you know I thought overall it was a great read even if a bit confusing in places, but I way up the book on the story and I liked what I read.I feel it has lots of potential for forward writing
Thanks again for you comments on Working to Motherhood
Regards
Chris Thom

This story is good. It feels fast, I think I would have liked to hear a bit of what they were thinking. That is me though... :) Good read all the same Stacey

Very much enjoyed it. We're different sorts of people, I guess. You didn't like mine, I respect that. I liked yours. I think you've got a winner here, and I'm not going to go on and on about it. Your other commentators have said all I could say better than I can repeat it. This should go a long way. Bookshelved.

Hi Rachel,
I read this a while back and wanted to see how it was coming along. I definitely see improvement from what I remember having read, so good job there! As far as the POV question, I think you should go with third-person. It will you give you much more freedom and options to tell the story in the most dramatic way possible. First-person POV is actually much harder to pull off, because it is so limiting. Of course, this is only my opinion and you have to pick what works best for you. Regardless, keep up the good work!

Matt

I think this has a great voice, full of energy, and an intriguing plot that will appeal to many. However the writing does need some tightening, particular in relation to the balance of showing and telling.

The reason many writers go for 3rd person is partly to avoid the temptation to tell the reader every little thought etc. which slows the story down and keeps the reader at a distance. POV is more than just changing ‘she’ to ‘I’, it is about viewing the scene from a different perspective. I get the feeling this was written in 1st person first as that version seems to flow more easily, but I do think your instincts are right that 3rd person may be the way to go. If you go for a loose 3rd, where you move from close POV to more distanced (omnipresent) and into other characters close POV, it frees you up to tell the story, without falling into the trap of too much inner monologue and avoiding the ‘how could that character know that’ problem.

However what you’ve got at the moment is a 1st person structure, using 3rd person POV (lots of telling the reader what to think and feel in a scene, rather than showing them). If you are going to go with third you have to write it as such. Get out the characters head and let their actions and dialogue tell the story. So in your opening paragraph give the reader the background info on their rather spoiled lives through interaction. The dialogue of a character is how the reader gets to know, understand and hopefully empathise with them. A character’s dialogue conveys their individuality, you know, how we all say certain phrases, and some of us interrupt a lot, or go off on tangents etc.

From her private balcony, Mikayla glimpsed moonlight reflected in Colby’s sleek black range rover as it pulled into the gravel drive. Running down the spiral staircase she met Christina at the bottom.
“Bloomin Lexus is still in the shop. I hope Colby doesn’t mind picking me up.”
Christina grinned. “I wouldn’t be seen dead in it anyway – how old is it? Pre 2000?”
“2006 actually, but you’re right it’s such an embarrassment. Working on the Old’s for a new one for my birthday.”
“You look hot, I LOVE that cat mask.” Christina said, her eyes glancing at the birthmark on Mikayla’s neck.
“I used loads of concealer,” Mikayla said, covering the dark crescent shaped blemish with her hand. “That obviously didn’t work.”

Hope some of this helps.

Hi there Rachel.
Fascinating story. I think it's much better in the 1st person. So we feel with her.
The danger of 1st person ius you can lose on descriptive detail, cos sometimes
it looks odd if the storyteller starts describing too much.
You could easily combine the two...just some bits in italics in 1st person for instance.
I have 3 or 4 storytellers andf I just shove their name at the top to avoid confusion.

Anyway....Best of luck with it!.....................Mike.

Hi Rachel

You have a great story here, with interesting characters (think Ash is pretty cool). Chapter 1 sets the scene nicely, but chapter 2 is a bit confusing, needs tightening to flow. I then read chapter 3 in 1st person, and to answer your question - prefer 3rd person. You draw us into the tale with 3rd person, whereas 1st tends to take the reader into your character's mind only. I am no expert, that's just how I see it.

This has potential and I am shelving you! Good luck.

Elaina

I definitely prefer the 3rd person, but again as writers we have our own preferences. I have written very few of my novels in first person and its more a comfort level. I want to tell the reader what the other people are thinking without over narrating. This is definitely not my genre, but I definitely enjoyed reading your book. I must be getting old because many of your references are not too familiar to me... which means they are to young people, so spot on! I sent copies to my daughters in college to get their opinions as well. Good luck to you!

Rachel,
Just had a look at Wolf Mask and found it to be quite enjoyable. As far as the POV goes, my preference is always 3rd person, but I'd say write in whatever POV is most comfortable. I think either one would work for your story. Are you from Portland, OR? That's where I live. Was excited to see your ball taking place there.
This is a good story, but a couple suggestions. It's apparent that Mikayla's birthmark is a plot point, but I think you emphasize it a bit much at the beginning. It's almost like "look, we're talking about the birthmark again."
I would tone that down just a bit. Other than that, great story, and on my shelf.
Jeff

Hi,

I love this story, I liked it more in a first person style.
It was enjoyable.

On my shelf,
Kimmy

This is fun. Shelved

I enjoyed your characterisation and think this is well written. Perhaps the story would benefit from a more dramatic start, but that's really all that occurs to me.

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Hi Rachel.

Mikayla is a vivacious and entertaining girl. I prefer the third POV because the first made her sound conceited and smug. The third POV made her seem playful and carefree. Your snappy pace moves things along as we wonder what divine incident will occur at the party. Great humility with her birthmark on her face. Love the Edgar Allen Poe masked ball theme. I met a Thurston Howell at a party and after one lunch never looked back. Excellent delivery of the love interest, Ashton. Teenage girls will love this glamorous lifestyle. It's like a real life Barbie set.

On my shelf. Good luck

Janet Marie, Spirit Prisoners.

Hi Rachel,
Just read your next instalment of Wolf Mask and see there's no let-up in the quality! I'm sorry but I can't be much help in assisting you with your decision as to whether to keep the writing in the third person; I liked both styles and found that neither detracted from the plot. What I would perhaps suggest is that, if you are going to write in the first person, you stick to either Mikayla's OR Ash's POV rather than both. Otherwise I think it is very much personal preference. What counts is the storyline and this is still every bit as good and keeps the reader guessing.
Hope this is some help!
Cheers,
Lizzie C

Rachel,

I have to tell you I'm not a fan of first person narration, so I'm probably not the right person to ask. Everyone else loved it in first person, so you might want to go with their point of view, but for me, it made it way too similar to Twilight once you changed it, and I'm not a Twilight fan either.

I'm not saying you didn't keep the voice consistent, and as one person said, it's much easier to write in first person, so I'll trust your decision, but it's a very limiting point of view in my opinion.

Not sure I've helped.
ML

First person all the way! I thought it was so much better than the third person and it seemed to slow more naturally
Norma
(The Essence)

I love it in first person....one major thing I've learned from this site, is that I definitely have a preference for it! I just wrote a new novel and I used first person and its SO MUCH EASIER to write!!! It's way more personable and you don't have to worry as much what you say...because it's in YOUR voice...(or your character's anyway)

I WISH I could change Liquid Comfort to first....but there are too many POV's for that.

Anyway...I'm rambling....GOOD JOB THOUGH....LOL
TTYS
Cheryl

Hi Rachel.
I enjoyed your first chapter and it definitely has potential. Although I thought the way you'd written the ending was a touch weak, you still have the hook there - will she see Ash or won't she? I just think you need to find a stronger sentence to end on.
My only real adverse comment would be that some of your dialogue is trivial. I know that's what people at a party often talk about, but in a novel you really need to make every single word count. I'd cut all of the fluff about shoes and such things and tighten the whole thing up.
I also saw a few nitpicks:
you have some missing punctuation, as in 'crescent moon mark..' this lacks a period.
Watch out for overuse of a character's name. You often have 'Mikayla' when you should use 'she'. All the time the action refers to the same character, you should mostly use 'he' or 'she'.
'nerves about'..nerves *over*?
You mention Colby but give no clue as to who he is until well into the party.
'Good thing Christina planned ahead..' if you add 'thought Mikayla' then you're staying in her POV.
'handcuffed to the wall wearing a jester's costume..' I had to giggle at the image of a wall wearing a costume! 'another man, this one wearing a jester's costume, was handcuffed to a wall..'
'She was enticed with..' enticed *by*.
They are at a Masquerade party and wearing masks. How does anyone know who anyone else is? Especially when Mikayla 'spots Julie.'
'white tic-tac..' I loved this bit of imagery!
'Christina slipped the vodka..' this felt like an afterthought, as if you were worried someone would spot Mikayla shouldn't have it.
'dazed look on his phase..' I think that should be 'face'!
'he said with a smirk..' you have some unnecessary tags and this is one of them. I'd cut it.
All in all, Rachel, a good start. Just needs editing. Feel free to let me know if you post any more!
Best of luck,
Cas.

I think this book has read potential, Rachel. I'm interested to see what happens next! I have no writing advice for you except trust yourself. You obviously have a good story to tell. Just write it. Editing is someone everyone does once the story is told:) I believe this book deserves some support:)

BACKED:)

Cheers,
Ci

It's really coming together, Rachel. I think third person works great. You definately have a great voice. I think the dialogue is terrific. This is definately much improved from that very first draft. You're learning fast and doing a great job! Keep up the good work! I hope you can post Chapter 2 for everyone to review soon.

Marilyn~

I see your paragraphs are shorter and your text is broken up quite nicely, I’m a fan of smaller paragraphs, makes reading text easier : )

I found the Prelude a little clunky…perhaps it could read something like ‘ If Makayla had known her fur-free days were going to be cut short…she’d have gotten a wax instead…
Just a thought

Love the way you reveal so much about the MC’s personality in the first paragraph, sets the tone for the rest of the chapter (and, I’m assuming the book)

“…could tell Christina tried to hide her aversion to her birthmark…” maybe you could try “….WAS TRYING to hide her aversion…”

While I was reading, I got the feeling that I should be more in Mikayla’s head…have you considered writing this in first person? I know some people have an aversion to this, but IMO, this style would fit your book.

Are you a fan of Melissa De La Cruz? Your book reminded me of some of her work…

Thank you for posting such a fun read! I think your story has a lot of potential!

Norma
(The Essence)

Hi Rachelstar,
Just read the opening chapter of Wolf Mask and I'm finding it intriguing. You're definitely on the right track. The writing is good and the characters are real. You are keeping the reader guessing as to what Ash might be about - the fact that Mikayla's first instinct is that he is 'dangerous' says a lot! And is the crescent moon birthmark indicative of something more sinister? I definitely like this one!
I have you on my Watchlist and will move it up onto the bookshelf when I get a chance - have a massive backlog at the moment!
Cheers,
Lizzie C

Great first chapter. Made me want to know Ash a little better ;) Cute characters. I like how materialistic/shallow Mikayla is lol...and loved the line: The moon stood out like a white tic-tac in a Fendi bag

One thing I noticed. Ash walked away from her with a sneer on his face. (Who's Ash?....he doesn't introduce himself as Ashton until later so this part confused me...should just change to "he" or "Wolfy")

Other than that cute story! I'll watch for more :)
Cheryl

Hi Rachel,
Love your pitch - a mixture of horror and comedy there. It drew me in. And I feel your first chapter flows, your dialogue is very realistic and moves the story along. Maybe some trimming, as Andrew W suggests might help, it may set the pace so that it moves along even more quickly. I like your set up here, if you take the 'writery' advice given below, it will be even better I think. Really good so far, lots of potential, on my revolving shelf ;-)
Best wishes,
Annabelle
(Would love your views on Adelaide if you can ;-))

Well hello wolfy. Damn girl, I love werewolves.....Personally I liked chapter 1 .....haha the best. That's number 1. It freeflowed easily. The conversations style was excellent. I learned something here. Thanks for that. You have chosen each word with care that much is very apparent. Kudoo's to you. So, my fave #1. Very good. And on an off shoot that you are going to tighten, don't. It's not necessary for the genre and audience you're writing for. You could go either erotic or teenage with this first chapter. Myself, I go very erotic with wolfy there.....yum!

Wolf Mask

Hi Rachel, Great opening, good characters, the man in the wolf mask is suitably mysterious and the party and the situation feels very realistic. I think you need to edit this down, cut out extraneous detail about the supporting cast I think this must be a very early draft, some of the bits we can see here about the other people beyond the MC and the man in the wolf mask are probably important for you in rooting your sense of main characters but not sure if they are absolutely necessary for the story. Great start...let me know as you add more chapters and I will happily read and crit them, will shelve, shows lots of potential and intrigue, best wishes and best of luck - Andrew W.

Rachel,

Nice flow of prose, the pace is good, and the shallowness of the main character is amusing. I'm sure she is about to get a whole lot more depth throughout the book.

My only concern is the length of time you spend on outlining all of the friends and their personalities in the first chapter. Could you bring them along a bit more slowly throughout the rest of the book and pick up the pace in the beginning?

Other than that, it was an entertaining read. You're on my bookshelf.

ML

This is very well-written and would love to read more once you've added more chapters. There are many good lines here, and I especially liked your description of the moon as being like 'a white tic-tac standing out in a black Fendi bag'; and I agree with the earlier comment about the countdown sequence, which really works within the context of the narrative -- I recall employing a similar device in a short story I once wrote. I may be off the mark here, but this feels like a 'Buffy'/Sex and the City' hybrid! I know I've only read the first chapter, but it's enough for me to want to back this great effort -- so, shelved it is!

Good luck with this!

Ivan

Hi Rachel,
I'm glad I got a chance to look at this, as I'm liking what I see so far. Your narrative is easy to follow and that allows the reader to lose himself/herself in the story. I also like how well you've captured Mikayla's 'voice.' The style of the writing matches her character quite well. I love your characterization of the young Mikayla as well (boy crazy, superficial concerns, mischievous, etc)

As for areas for improvement, the writing needs a 'fine-toothed comb edit' to remove unnecessary or redundant words and sentences, but this true for 99% of all the manuscripts on the site, including mine.

Few examples to show what I mean:
- At the beginning you're missing a "known" after "Mikayla would've..."
- [Mikayla covered the…without thought, “I don’t…]
You don’t need “on her neck” because you already informed the reader of its location in the previous paragraph. Also, “without thought” doesn’t work because she is definitely thinking about it. Perhaps “instinctively covered” would work? And also, you need a period after thought, not a comma.

As for the story itself, I'm wondering if you could give more of an indication of what to expect and where the story is headed, seeing as how it's the first chapter? The hinting of the crescent moon birthmark showing up regardless of the make-up is intriguing, but I feel there could be more to draw your reader in. I hope I'm making sense here, I sort of feel as if I'm just rambling.

Anyway, I applaud you on the work you've done so far and urge you to continue, keep polishing it, keep making it better!


Matt

Would pick up the book in a heartbeat with this pitch. You write very well; especially liked the countdown.

Thought I was having a bad case of deja vu until I saw your note on the first chapter being repeated :-)

I don't feel qualified to make stylistic comments, but I definitely think you're on the right track and hope Authonomy will help you with the next chapters, you've got a fun story here.

Minolo's are those Manolo's?

Rachel,

You've got a great ear for dialogue. It certainly fits with these characters. You have done a lovely job of catching the vapidness of the characters, but one thing bothered me at the beginning...

Christina and Mikayla are friends. Superficial and self-centered friends, but friends none-the-less. Mikayla might feel worried about being judged about her birthmark, but I'm assuming these girls have known each other long enough that it wouldn't really be a topic of conversation. When she gets in the car, I would imagine it being more natural if their interaction is more... unspoken. Christina could look at the birthmark that Mikayla couldn't quite hide, and look away, like she doesn't want to bring it up. Mikayla would have her own thoughts as she would either try to quietly hide it and redirect attention, or try to laugh it off, like it doesn't bother her as much as it really does. "My God, can you believe this thing? I spent an hour and a half trying to cover it up and it still shows through. My luck, tonight of all nights, right?" Kind of like laughing off a bad-timed pimple.

I like the tension you build up between the masked boy and Mikayla, but I'd caution you about bringing up the dimples too often. It gets repetitive, and it steals some of the effect of her attraction. Try to keep it to only two or three mentions in the whole chapter.

The final transition between Mikayla getting dropped off and her phone (possibly) ringing is rushed an unclear. If I were her, I'd probably be half waiting up for this guy to call, wondering how I'm going to explain that there actually is no party. I could see her falling asleep after waiting for a long time and not realizing he actually called. I'm assuming that's what happened here, but it happens so quickly. It looks like she comes inside, grouchy after losing her night on the town, goes straight to bed and ignores her phone. After all the build up, it seems anti-climactic.

There's also the possibility that whatever changes are coming have made her suddenly and inexplicably tired. If that's the case, you'll want to make it clear that tiredness hits her like a wave and she has this immediate need to go to bed. That way the reader knows it's not just your normal, late-night tired.

Great start, here! Good luck!

Hey Rachel,

Just read the first chapter. I like where you're going with this story. A lot of people have a hard time relating to the 90210 crowd, which typically makes them hard to read and even harder to write, but you've got a great start here. The girls are just enough rich, pampered twits that we can laugh at them, but not so vapid that we lose the ability to see them as human. That's a tough rope to walk, but you seem to be doing it pretty well.

My one big suggestion is, you might want to give the setting a firmer grounding in time and place. We know we're in Portland, but Oregon or Maine? That makes a HUGE difference. Given the girls' Rodeo Drive tastes, I'm going to assume we're in Oregon, but clarifying that would be a good thing. Since you can't really ground the characters (they're flighty, spoiled brat social butterflies... which you've depicted perfectly), having the setting solidly grounded will go a long way toward making readers feel less like they're floating in midair.

Also, might want to run a spelling/grammar check. I noticed a couple of goofs on a first read-through. All in all, though, a very strong start. I want to see more soon! :)

On my watch list.
Sydney