The Ponza Scheme

Brilliant novel. It´ñs so full of life it almost
leapt off the page...no way to stop reading it´s great stuff.
Suggestion
I´m really curious about the ending. For me the last
cent...ury of cpitalism has been a grand Ponza scheme...
All you need now is Charly to be your book agent!
Lots of luck and FUN with this okay
. Mikegilli (The Free). shelved

This is an awesome novel, so you need an awesome cover. Your style reminds me a bit of Easton Ellis. Love the narration and dialogue. Love the social commentary on wealth, corporations, and greed. Shelved.

the ponza scheme

slick, confident voice, fast paced narrative, strong characterisation – there’s a lot to like here

there's a lot of throwaway remarks along the way, the roar rising up within, the sense constantly present that charly is looming to disaster, the horribly real corporate speak . . .

you draw us into charly’s world effortlessly, the sense of physical location puts me in mind of a tom wait’s song – all seedy bars and corporate men on the move – whilst his work ethic & drive slowly gather momentum towards the point where commerce and conscience will collide

shelved for blunt, highly effective prose and brilliant characterisation. I wish you well with this.

freddie
("honour")

The Ponza Scheme

Hi Enda,

So why isn't this higher in the charts and why hasn't it come to more notice? This is great writing, pacy, short paragraphs, conveying much information and intrigue and rooting us in this character's world. His symptoms are troubling, his internal boiling rage powerful and compelling in that first chapter. I like the authorial voice here, it doesn't treat us like we are stupid, we are given credit for being able to follow a convoluted thought process or a fresh look at the world. The revenge of the Cappuchino comes across well, tongue burning and inadvertent slurping, two good examples where you use the characters situation to convey his agitated mood without the need to tell us that he is agitated, good writing and I will do my best to help in its journey turning the red arrow green. You are a good writer and deserve more positive exposure on this site, well done for a different and engaging read. If you have the time to peek at my book it would be very helpful.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

A finely constructed work, with a strong, confident voice. A well thought out plot, fast, captivating and an enjoyable read. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A very intriguing and polished piece of work.
Backed with pleasure and admiration for your attention to detail (amongst other things).

Barry

LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

In search of something different I was looking down the business chart and your pitch caught my eye. Having some experience of the Celtic Tiger I had a look and found a well written book with interesting characters and a an involving plot. Backed. Alan "The Right Yoke"

Enda, this is great fun and definitely worth backing. You said in the pitch, where did it go wrong. Can I suggest things may have gone wrong for Charly when he got a Dell computer instead of a Mac? (Sorry just suffering from a case of really bad tech at work at the mo!). --- Backed, Luk

Dear Enda, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy.

Good plot. The extra spaces between paragraphs works to tell the reader of a change in time.

But were is the reason for this being a business genre. I can't find it after tasting 5 chapters.

Welcome aboard, Enda. This website will improve your writing craft, if you allow it. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch works. With the long pitch, end it with one succinct question instead of several spread throughout so it piques your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

An intriguing read written in a confident and engaging manner. It starts of with a touch of humour but from your premise this promises to be far from humourous when we delve deeper into it.

Very happy to shelve such fine writing.
Melxxxx

Dear Enda, I love how you shared the feelings behind this great man - it must be hard at the top - glad I'm not there. :) Before I began to read your book, I was prepared by your recap/pitch,which was very well done. :) Your story is good because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm "backing" your book: When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy. :) Please "back" my TWO memoir books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & my completed memoir unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which tells at the end, my illness now & 6th abusive marriage." Thanks, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)

PONZA SCHEME
I liked this story. You have a good character in Charly. He’s likable and sympathetic because he’s so puzzled by what has gone wrong with his life. The mark of this, tho, is your writing style. It’s fresh and crisp. You’re able to describe characters and bring them to life with just a few words like “he was in the men’s room compulsively washing his hands”. Makes this a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Instantly accessible with a character the reader can relate to from the very first lines. There is something very natural to your writing which works well in a plot which depends a lot on the readers connection to the character to lift the book from others of its milieu. The pitch doesn't do the personal touch - which this book has - justice. More than happy to have backed it.
David
Bailey of the Saints

This seems like such a relevant world you are writing about and one that I am happy to say I am not involved in. It seems so merciless, so cruel, so NOW. I was intrigued by your pitch and felt there was real clarity and intelligence in your prose. You are a fantastic writer with a very contemporary story to tell.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Hi i really enjoyed this. Pressure and colleagues. "The joy of high finance, the juice of a deal." I'm joking about those two of course. You get the delusion accross brilliantly and the dialogue is spot on. My shelf is full so i'm watchlisting.
Many thanks
Michea O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu.

Enda, I wasn't sure what to expect from your book. It's an unusual style, and the pitches reflect this, but there's certainly enough intrigue to persuade me to read more. After a few chapters it's very evident that you're an extremely talented writer. Your MC is a remarkable character and you have the skill to bring out every nuance of his nature. I like the choppy, informative nature of your prose and if I had to choose one word to describe this book I'd say 'intelligent.' I'm very impressed with your command of language and the subtle way you make the reader do some of the work in developing an idea.
I'm astonished to see a book as good as this languishing in the 1600s, and with a red arrow too. My decent TSR should help a little as it goes on my shelf.
Jared.
Mummy's Boy.

Backed February 1.

Jesse - Savant

There is some missing punctuation btu that is is easily remedied by a hard edit.
i found the surplus of 'I' sentences were a little waring as I didnt think they were always necessary. I would watch the personal pronoun starts and omit where necessary to adjust the fluidity of the plot. I like the relaxed pace in which you start this and there are some really amazing bits that I found funny and witty. You do have a talent for writing dialogue as I found your keen and sharp and bang on the money. From your short pitch I had NO idea what I was going to be reading. But I actually slipped into this really easily. This is written with a nice flourish that adds a little spice.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This is very much a parable of out times. I've met people like Charly - men and women - who get sucked into the corporate system and lose their personal lives, so this story will resonate strongly with many of your readers, as they grind their way to work through the rush hour.

Your writing style is appropriately crisp and down-to-earth, and your understanding of the way people interact raises this book onto a high plain. This is compulsive reading, and I'm pleased to put it on my shelf. Best wishes, Tony.

The Ponza Scheme

Hi Enda,

So why isn't this higher in the charts and why hasn't it come to more notice? This is great writing, pacy, short paragraphs, conveying much information and intrigue and rooting us in this character's world. His symptoms are troubling, his internal boiling rage powerful and compelling in that first chapter. I like the authorial voice here, it doesn't treat us like we are stupid, we are given credit for being able to follow a convoluted thought process or a fresh look at the world. The revenge of the Cappuchino comes across well, tongue burning and inadvertent slurping, two good examples where you use the characters situation to convey his agitated mood without the need to tell us that he is agitated, good writing and I will do my best to help in its journey turning the red arrow green. You are a good writer and deserve more positive exposure on this site, well done for a different and engaging read. If you have the time to peek at my book it would be very helpful.

Best wishes and good luck
Andrew W
(Sanctuary's Loss)

I thought swine flu at first all his symptoms!!!! This is a very interesting read for me as i don't live that far from Sandyford Industrial Estate. I'm Dunlaoghaire area and it makes it more real. The writing is pacy and the characters very believable. The premiss hooked me straight away and i thought the book itself had a good flow. Good luck with it, backed! there are lots of irish writers on here.

I have only managed one chapter and part of the second, but this looks really promising. Your writing is fluent and lively, your decriptions vivid, and you have created an MC who is instantly appealing. What more can you do?
Well you could give him a handkerchief, poor guy (phlegm in the hand is gross and attentionseeking). And as we can see as early as a few paragraphs in that the guy can't go on like this, you could drop in a few pointers for the reader who needs to know why he is reading this.
Otherwise, great! And shelved.

The Ponza Scheme

Witty and you have a pen, a wonderful combination. It is always a real treat when you find an author who can combine substance with humor. Not many can. But you have managed that difficult balance. This was a breath of fresh air. On my shelf. C.P

Now this is a story that even the most active of children will not bore with. You will have them all sitting still drinking in your words. (When they are not laughing.) It's full of quirky individuals that are so unique and real and I am thrilled that you were able to put them on the page. This is great. On my shelf. C.P

BACKING because Bob Steele did and I trust his instincts. Think you can make it to the Ed's desk with this effort. I'll swing by later to give you a right and proper comment.

Do look forward to your comments on my book when you get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Well I'm in as far as Chapter Nine and enjoyed what I've read so far. Nothing new to add but go along with the previous comments.

You've got a great character in Charly, but I did struggle with the business jargon (example, chapter 6) and almost gave up there. But it quickly came back and I'm keeping it on the shelf until I'm done.


Good Luck
Sam Fallow

In The Ponza Scheme I particularly liked your phrase 'that great sound of people procrastinating at their desks'. It rang a few bells with me! This is a polished piece of work written with wry humour that's not overdone. I like your style and am happy to back it, without any nitpicks.

the ponza scheme

slick, confident voice, fast paced narrative, strong characterisation – there’s a lot to like here

there's a lot of throwaway remarks along the way, the roar rising up within, the sense constantly present that charly is looming to disaster, the horribly real corporate speak . . .

you draw us into charly’s world effortlessly, the sense of physical location puts me in mind of a tom wait’s song – all seedy bars and corporate men on the move – whilst his work ethic & drive slowly gather momentum towards the point where commerce and conscience will collide

shelved for blunt, highly effective prose and brilliant characterisation. I wish you well with this.

freddie
("honour")

Hi Enda, the characters you've built in the Panza Sceme come alive beautifully through your wrting. I enjoyed your style of writing and your voice. I loved the humour.
I'm happy to give it a bit of time on my shelf.
Michael Croucher (Bravo's Veil)

Enda,
Holy gas explosion, this is great writing. Funny stuff. Love the writer's voice and off-beat humor. You have mastered the art of exaggerated feelings. $50 million huh? Now we have a plot to boot. This is so well done and a fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Ahhhh how refreshing! This is so unique and just perfect! Your depictions of office politics are so authentic and entertaining. This is the best thing I've read on authonomy in a long time. On my shelf and staying on my shelf.

Melissa

This is an awesome novel, so you need an awesome cover. Your style reminds me a bit of Easton Ellis. Love the narration and dialogue. Love the social commentary on wealth, corporations, and greed. Shelved.

Brilliant novel. It´ñs so full of life it almost
leapt off the page...no way to stop reading it´s great stuff.
Suggestion
I´m really curious about the ending. For me the last
cent...ury of cpitalism has been a grand Ponza scheme...
All you need now is Charly to be your book agent!
Lots of luck and FUN with this okay
. Mikegilli (The Free). shelved

I love your latter day Celtic Tiger, Enda. They were all cubs in the womb when I grew up in Ireland. However, I've since met a few Charlys who've kept me on my toes, while glancing in the mirror at my back! Your writing is great; the Ponza scheme is a satisfying and zippy story and I like the way you develop your characters. Backing you and wishing you well - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Enda, I think there's great potential here - the pitch certainly sounds interesting. What I've read so far seems a bit 'first-drafty', and by the end of chapter two I'm uncertain about what's going on. You have some punctuation issues (eg '... going on Charly you're...' should be '... going on, Charly, you're...'. The comment about 'fuck every chair' left me puzzled.
Hehe, I just read Bluestocking's comment. I have to disagree - you need those commas. And if 'your man' is Irish, I think we need to know that a bit earlier. But, good stuff, and on my shelf for a bit.

Enda,

I'm returning your read of Appetites. Thank you for your support.

Starting with the short pitch. This is quite punchy I like the switch of success to excess. I notice you capitalise Celtic Tiger, though it's not a term I'm familiar with.

The long version Gives me a good story overview. I guess if I had any comments they would be that the inciting incident is not well detaled and setting is a little indeterminate. But it's good enough to get me reading.

I'm short for time today, so I'm going to apply a fourteen line test: If I like the 'first page' I'll back. If not I'll tell you what I don't like.

I'm guessing that the first six paragraph are your opening page, so that's what I'm going to read.

This is an interesting opening and I'm in two minds as to whether I'd turn the page.

The pro's are:

--Good voice, getting straight into the MCs head;
--a rythmn that makes reading easy;
--good imagery (nurofen like cigarettes);
--some complexity the same guy reads to his kid and resents someone else being sick; and
--an element of tension in the fact this guy is sick . . . possibly seriously sick.

So what don't I like. Well the cons are harder to put my finger on.

The second paragraph didn't work so well for me, I know the repitition comes from the great Doctor, but it felt akward and that--for me--was exacerbertaed by your choice of tales in the last sentence, presumably to avoid echoing stories: There are so many echoes in the paragraph that this none reflection actually stands out!

Then on the character. I noted above that the contrasting images of him give rise to some tension, but they also left me ambivalent. I don't know if he's a good guy or a bad guy.

Picking up on the point I made on the pitch I still don't know where this is: mozzarella and breadsticks sound like America to me; but the MC's use of 'bloody' sounds English.

Last, the story opens with an illusion of action. It seems we're going bang into scene, which grabbed my attention. But then nothing actually happens in the scene--though of course that worked for Seinfeld--and it's over inside the first page, leaving me wondering if it isn't just disguised exposition, which is an old fashioned way to open an work.

Now I'm just another wannabe, with opinions I'm always happy to share, so if any of what I say ressonates with you great, otherwise don't worry about it, it's your work and I'm probably wrong!

Okay, on balance it seems to me you have a good premise and strong writing skills. I have some structural concerns but those are what rewrite and revision are for.

I'll give this a quick spin on my shelf.

This is right up my street. It's ballsy writing. Lean but colourful with full characters that have something to say.
I have to say I was attracted because to it because you so kindly backed mine out of the blue and I accept it sounds sycophantic, but is so refreshing. Without being critical am I the only one who is in search of something a little different? Much of the work on this site is commendable and will probably be successful in a number of cases but as a life long reader I want more. I want the dice shaken and you have done this extremely well. Trust me, I have your commendation I did not have to write this though it would have been ingracious not to have thanked you, but it is worth it.
Travel with confidence in the knowledge that you can surely write.
Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom)

Like the story, setting, action, pacing. And you’ve got so many gems in there: “ when you’ve ended up with your place in the sun and you’ve got more sand than you can ever roll around on…”
The sudden change of tense in para 1 made me have to go over it again to realize it was a flashback, otherwise it flowed like a breeze. backed

Hi Enda. You follow the subject-action technique perfectly, gliding the reader through the scenes with a visual illusion. Your voice has a bleak tone, which emphasized the protagonist's state of mind. While Chapter 1 gives an overview of the mood with a determination to create change, Chapter 2 fluffs up the characters into 3 dimensional beings with a nice turn pager endings. Great appeal with your universal theme of one questioning his/her existance and evaluating the purpose of life after years of working one's way to the top and years of enjoying success. You entertain and educate. Shelved. Good luck. Janet Marie

If everyone was forced to read this I suspect that there would be a mass nodding of heads in recognition of the tensions building up inside one man. Very well depicted. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Very good indeed. I think this guy is putting together the budget this year. I love the story and it's very readable, on the shelf. All the best, Eric

Hi Enda

Anyone who mentions Warren Zevon in the first paragraphs will get my attention, unless they mention Warren Zevon and then absolute garbage after it...which this isn't.

Your use of the first person narrative makes it a very easy read...but be careful not to overdo it as at times it feels as if you are enumerating actions instead of telling a storye.g. Part 2 chapter 1

i used to spend hours....

I generated graphs...

I tried to narrow it down....

I reassured myself....

The may be your personal style of telling a story...but this is what i interpreted.

I also write in my book in the first person narrative and i know it is a challenge to transmit the message you would want.

I am shelving your book for an intriguing story.

Keep up the good work

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Like the story. Like the style. You have to work hard to keep up with this guy ... I'm trying.

Dear Enda,


I have read your pitch, synopsis, first two chapters and have placed The Ponza Scheme on my bookshelf.

Startling synopsis. Had me chuckling. Can’t fault the writing. It’s accomplished. Might be edited tighter here and there but not necessary for Authonomy. Probably only at pre-publication stage.

The following notes are probably not for you but perhaps there’s something that interests you. Go well with you work.


Over the past five months I have spent three hundred hours providing page-long critiques but can no longer keep up with the volume. Also, three in ten writers whom I critique, resent me suggesting any kind of rewrite and punish me by not reciprocating the swap-read.

So I’m trying another way of passing on information.

I will attempt to do better than critique your work by indicating how you might judge it yourself. Rather along the lines of give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Teach him how to fish, feed him for life. You may or may not agree with everything and I admit I do not always stick to these thoughts either.

What I have set out below are guide-lines based on what I myself have learnt from being published.

The pitch is very important as among the book-lists which editors scan, your pitch stands alone with no support from the synopsis. I write the synopsis first, because a key sentence there is usually appropriate for the pitch.

A synopsis is not a dust-jacket advertisement. Aimed at a professional editor, it is a no-nonsense summary of what happens in the novel, including how the novel ends. Don’t leave the editor dangling and don’t ask her questions. Tell her.

Somerset Maugham said, ‘There are three rules for writing a successful novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.’

Correct. There are no rules for creativity. Think of Richard Bach’s Jonathon Livingstone Seagull. So way out, so creative it was rejected over a hundred times. Then it became a best seller.

There is one criterion though……. entertainment. Our writing must entertain from the very first sentence. There is no other reason for story-telling whether around a camp fire or in print..

I have struggled nine years to write three novels. Each written three times. One published, one lying fallow, Fig Tree currently in the process of being rewritten for the fifth time. Two literary agents requested the full manuscript but threw it back at me for narrative story telling. So I am rewriting.

Based on what has happened to me, these are my thoughts on what editors want from us…………….


Plunge directly into the story. Do not set the scene or back-story first. When we go to a play and the curtain rises, we don’t see stage hands putting the props in place. The stage is already set. Likewise our opening paragraphs to the reader, the actors should immediately get on with it.

I have found that our opening chapter isn’t necessarily the first one we write. It might only occur to us when the novel is completed.

Let our characters drive the story-telling via dialogue, interplay and direct action. It’s stupid (although I am guilty of this) to have a stage set and silent characters frozen, while an off-stage narrator bores the audience with what is supposed to be happening on the stage.

Write minimal words because research shows that our readers’ brains race ahead of our words, visualizing the scene themselves, anticipating how our sentences end…… four times faster than they are reading. They become bored and frustrated by our overwriting, over description, unnecessary information. (I have been hauled over the coals for this.)

Write tight, sparse, lean, stark, bare bones. Adjectives and adverbs are for people who need a crutch to support their unimaginative nouns and verbs. As far as possible, always seek the appropriate noun and verb.

(Read John Steinbeck’s field notes Journal of a Novel which he jotted down while he was writing East of Eden. He edited out as many adjectives and adverbs as possible, finding the appropriate noun or verb instead.)

And yet, in my rewrite I am horrified to find superfluous words, adjectives, adverbs and general waffling which I am getting rid of. I am embarrassed at my own work.

My vocabulary is poor, so I use Roget’s Thesaurus which is a treasure. A real work-horse and a delight to use. It’s a companion that provides thousands of alternative words. Appropriate nouns and verbs are there for the picking.

Don’t write your scenes. Live them. Experience them. Meditate. Daydream yourself into them Watch what is happening. Listen to what the characters are saying. Smell the sweat or the aroma or whatever. Touch what the characters are touching. What do you feel? Taste the bile, the coffee, or the skin of the lover.

All communication is made through our five senses. I wear earmuffs when I write, to help me leave this world, experience the emotions and the senses and disappear into another universe which is the scene I’m trying to paint.

Are we stirring the emotions of the reader? Feeling is critically important. This can be achieved through good dialogue. Speak your dialogue aloud to hear what it sounds like. Is it natural? Do people really speak like that? Is it too formal? In the real world, we often don’t speak complete sentences. So dialogue can be truncated too to make it more natural.

In my opinion a novel must generate its own momentum, so readers experience it rather than read it. This can be achieved by dreaming it, experiencing it, living it, rather than writing it.

To avoid clumsiness I edit out the past participle ‘had’. I change ‘he had done it’ to ‘he did it’ It seems to make the action more immediate and more relevant.

I also dump words ending in ‘-ly’……. seemingly, clearly, obviously. actually, strangely, finally, eventually………. and all the others. Somehow they weaken our writing and make it vague.

And I am finding that much of the dialogue reads better if the ‘he said, she said’ is deleted.

Taking words out of our sentences and taking sentences out of long narrative paragraphs, in my opinion, is the secret to better writing. I can easily cut my stuff between 20% and 50%.

I learnt this when a literary agent demanded I delete 40,000 words from my first novel of 120,000 words. I was shocked but I cut it back to 80,000 words and the novel was published.

Fig Tree has already shed 16,000 words and I am currently rewriting it for the fifth time, changing the dialogue, cutting the narrative and tightening the writing as much as possible. I might dump another 6,000 words.

You may be interested in The Video Inside Our Heads, which is part of a confession I made about my idiocies in attempting to write. See, ‘How I Wrote and Sold My First Novel’ in Forum’s Writing section. It’s quite insane and you’ll probably laugh at me but it did work and I suppose that’s what matters..

I trust this is better than a critique and helps a little.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

Enda,

I'm in. The sense of pacing, the attention to detail, the recurring taste of bile, the underlying sense that something, maybe everything, is about to go horribly wrong. I'm confident that I'm in the hands of someone who knows what he's doing and the story will payoff. The observations are, dare I say, poignant. The pathos, achingly real. I'm going to feel beaten up by the end of it, but I want to keep on going.

Good stuff. A frenetic pace that sets the scene for an explosion or will it be an implosion! Congratulations a great start fin the wake of a teasing title.

Enda,
Maria always reads more deeply than I do so I'm going to defer to her here. So ignore what I said a moment ago.
Best wishes,
Bren.

Hi Maria, many thanks for your note. The whole book is complete so I will start uploading over the next couple of days -- I was beginning to think that no one really cared about this, so your comments are particularly encouraging. Bizarrely enough, Charly falls for a nurse called Maria in Part III, and you will have to take my word for that! Comments to follow on your individual remarks at a later date but all of which to say that you understand this. All the best, Enda.

Wow this is STUPENDOUS. I just love this guy to bits. And he's the story, really. I wish I had the whole thing, well really I don't, because what I would do would be to leave my office and curl up on the balcony with it, and I have way too much to do. But I do want to read this book, really a lot.

The thing Bobby is talking about (comment just below mine) could be solved with two teensy edits. One to let us know that Da Gino's is in Ponza. The other, "I'd had a doctor's appointment" to situate the doctor's appointment in the pre-Ponza period via past perfect tense. If you wanted to clear things up even a little more, say something about how long he's been in Ponza in the first paragraph, and *then*, "two days before."

Don't you DARE let anyone make you put commas in or otherwise tamper with or formalize the voice of this book!! You've got this *awesome* sort of Irish sort of American voice for this guy that is very, very lilting, beautiful. Wonderful, unusual prose.

You are a guy, right? Because if you are a girl I'm just going to keel over twice as much.

I especially love the business stuff, which usually bores me rigid in novel, but you've got the salesman thing down so perfectly -- Kouros, ha ha! So so funny. LOVE it. Shelf city. All the best, Maria.

p.s. one typo, I think "mangiare"?? Imperative I guess is "mangia"--?
p.p.s. Resist tampering! Only a tiny bit, maybe, to make something clearer but NOT to "copy-edit!" Otherwise I will come over and beat you senseless.

Enda,
I liked this a lot. My only problem (if it is one, given that we're dealing with someone clearly on the edge) is that I don't really get a sense of who the narrator is in the early paragraphs. I also think scene-setting at the outset is paramount. We start off with the unnamed narrator sitting in Da Gino's, but then we go into a flashback, which seems to last till the end of the chapter. I'm assuming, since the narrator's eating a breadstick, that Da Gino's is a restaurant or cafe or diner, but I think you need to keep returning there so as to emphasise the flashback as a flashback. There is a lot of potential here. We definitely get the sense of a mind unravelling, but a little more contextualising would do the narrative lots of favours.
Best wishes,
Bren.

This has got a lot of really odd yet so familiar touches. I've felt that roar deep inside on occasion too. And oooh don't you just hate it when people stare at your passport suspiciously for what seems like ages? Nice work here. An unsettling piece and I mean it in a good way. Sometimes its good to be unsettled like this. I actually feel just a little bit dizzy after reading it. You're up on my shelf!