Dragon Baine

This is a delicious read so far. I don't usually dabble in the younger end of Young Adult, but some books can tempt me to do so. This is apparently one of them. I'm a sucker for animal-bond stories, but this is particularly well-executed.

I don't typically praise books generously, but I'm finding very little that I dislike so far. I've just reached the tenth chapter. I had *intended* to stop at the eighth chapter when it hit 2am here, but here I am, still reading. Oops?

I'm going to second the previously-stated opinion that the viewpoint-hopping within a scene is a little disorienting. It seems to go away after the first two or three chapters, though. You'll probably want to clean that up, since those are the pages that your agent will see first.

This is personal preference instead of peer critique, but I'd love to see more descriptions of the dragons. I don't have a very good mental image of the difference between the royal northern dragons and the desert dragons.

Is this a stand-alone book, or will there be more written in this world? You've obviously put a lot of thought into the mechanics of the universe, particularly the baines, and I'd be interested in reading more of this. I like this now, but I would have been completely *lovestruck* by it when I was 16 (I suppose that means that you're marketing it correctly as YA). I could see this doing very well as a YA series.

One critique that I'll offer is that I don't get a good sense of why Kalli and Stephen decide to fall for each other after that initial awkward flirtation. I'd prefer at least a bit more time to get used to their dynamic before he decides to ask for her favor when he's going to war. Likewise Kalli and Belle -- how does Belle react to suddenly having a foreigner living in her room? Was she living alone before? If not, what happened to her previous roommate? You stress that Belle likes exotic things, but what makes her so accommodating to this stranger in her space?

All in all, I really am enjoying this story. I'm planning to use the computers in the university library to read a few chapters of this between my classes tomorrow morning. I don't know why this isn't getting more attention than it is.

Caroline,

I have read the Prologue and I hope my comments below will help strengthen a story I can tell you have worked hard on.

Opening, very narrative, which I do not normally mind so long as the author moves to establish the PoV quickly. In your case,you do not. You change character and thoughts so often, I never get a connection to who is telling me the story. I don't mind multiple PoVs telling a story, so long as there no more than 1 PoV in a scene or transitioning to another PoV where neccessary. Reason this is important is because you want readers to connect, to care and to keep turning pages. Right now, someone is narrating your story and why should I care about some unseen narrator who is not part of the story at this point?

There are also area's where the grammar is not what it should be in the scene. Look at these examples below.

The pair came as near as they dared in the unpredictable wind... Ok, I know what you are going for here, but as writen, what does the wind have to do with how close they get. If you mean they stayed downwind so the dogs would not catch their scent, then say so. Say what you mean and mean what you say, as they say.

Silk scareve flutter to the wild pipes... Are these magical scarves that can move by themselves? No? Then the scarves fluttered from the movement of the dancers not the pipes. The dancers moved to the rythmn of the pipes. See the difference.

...where they were greeted by tankards of wine. Wow, how does a tankard of wine greet someone? I think what you meant is greeted "with" tankards of wine.

...worn loose and long enought to sit on. Samiels's knees <---- Is something missing after Samiel's knees? If not...what about Samiels knees?

...and began whispering their way back to the city. Ok...I imagine whispering is some sort of ability. But I the reader am new to your world so I have no idea what the whispering ability is? If your going to use special terms, you need to at least explain them when first used, or show the ability through actions so the reader understands.

*Focus* The word brought Sameil back to himself. Did Sameil leave his body that he has to come back? Suggestion... If your using the astrick '*" to show a form of telepathy, might I suggest using the more traditional form of italics to represent telepathy from standard dialogue. Just a suggestion because the italics are not as annoying as the astricks.

Ok, so what do I really think? I think you have rushed the scene. I have no idea of where this is occuring other than desert. I am new to your world, show it to me in all its glory or ugliness. What is the time of season? Is there a moon or is it a dark of the moon, or how many moons? Is it cloudy? What does the desert look like, hills, sand, hard packed earth, boulders, scrub brush, smells, etc.

Like I said, I can tell you worked hard, but you have shorted your story by speeding along without building your opening and characters to draw the readers in or having them connect with individual characters. Right now, there is no one I have connected with, or particularly care about. The prologue should make me want to move into the next chapter, and that chapter should make we want to move into the next.

I know this sounds harsh, but I think its something to think about. I do hope this helps, but of course, its your choice to accept or reject any reviews you do not deem credible...

Nick Anthony

A couple of comments. First, the only thing I noticed that struck me as... not wrong, necessarily, but a deviation from the standard, is the switching viewpoints. You switch between Kalli, the Dean and Belle's thoughts and feelings with no indication. Generally, you should stick with one character for the scene, only switching viewpoints when there's a clear indication of it. That's not to say you can't do it your way, but I found it a little confusing jumping around like that.

There seem to be details missing here and there. Perhaps I missed it, or perhaps you left it out deliberately, but I've read through "The First Chapter", and I don't believe you ever say what type of baine the Dean has.

With that said, I am enjoying where this is going. The setting draws my interest. The introduction to the main characters is well done. I haven't really read enough to be able to comment on anything more than that. With a little work, I'm sure this could do well. Good luck.

Thank you for taking the time to critique, Don!

Hi Carrie,

I liked the setting. The way in which you deliniate telepathy is nicely done and the baines, despite a vague similarity to Pullman's Daemons pique an immediate interest. Your writing is concise, avoiding cliche and exposition. Kalli is an interesting character and Belle is a suitable foil. I like Kalong immensely.

I've three observations to make:
1) There is reference to Kalli having a "baine trait" in the first chapter. This needs very brief explanation.
2) Your pitch is very important and yours needs work. Check out some others on high-ranking books. You can sort by genre.
3) Get a picture for your book to make it stand out. A search on "royalty free images" should get you started.

I enjoyed reading this and am sure you'll get many rave reviews here. Shelved.

Cheers,

Dan