The Cloud

This is a powerful piece of literature. You completely enter Matt's head, giving us a narration of his every action and thought as he observes life and witnesses the death of his friends. The lines about how people change in death is great. People remember those who die as they want to remember them. So true. Most writers are cynical about this, but you seem to see some good in it. This book reminds me of "On the Road" or "Catcher in the Rye." Powerful voice. Good job. WL.

Hi ML.

You have a delightfully quiky voice. This is atmospheric and heady. Your protagonist captures the reader's attention with his dry humor of the people around him. You establish an image of the guy in the reader's mind by having him trust himself not to steal more than he would trust the old lady, and a girl watching him. Excellent introduction of criminal activity and linking that to his paranoia. It is refreshing for your protagonist to come from a caring family and to have friends he respects. Your protagonist seems like a really nice guy. Great with introducing us to his eccentric friends as though we are visiting his town with him. Interesting so many young people commit suicide in this town. Super ending to chapter 1. Not another death. You have hooked the reader with the deaths and suicides and murders. Very crafty since you seemed to be telling a different story all toghter and then boom with impact we realize the numerous dead bodies are not a coinsidence.

On my shelf. Great suspense. Best wishes.

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

Marc,
Hope to return to your book in the next day or two. Your synopsis draws one in to a storyline that one hopes will have a happy ending. Pat.

Gosh, I remember when all those suicides happened in Wales a year or so ago thinking about it in terms of a novel and you've gone and done it. First off, all I can say is in my most patronising manner, 'I can't believe you're only 21.' I wish I could've writtne like this then. but when I look back at the stuff I was doing then I shudder and cringe. Well done. This is exceptional.

You hooked me with the train. I've spent many a long morning and evening on the train wondering if anyone saw me jerk awake after nodding off, or if the guy I keep accidentally making eye contact with thinks I'm flirting with him, or if the guy next to me thinks I don't trust him simply because I'm hugging my bag while I fall asleep.

Sometimes your style is a bit dense...lots of description, which helps set the scene but also slows things down a bit. At times it works, but other times you could probably do well to just edit a bit. Also, may I suggest that in a few places you take the opportunity to "show" and not "tell" like the bit about the crazy stories being thrown about at the end of chpt 1. Why not actually tell us a crazy story -- add some dialogue and characterization. Also, take a look for repetitive words. In the first paragraph you use "first" twice, which I thought might be intentional, in which case it works. However, you do it in some other places, like in the sentence "Alan was one of the last kids to kill himself in this town in the last three years." Keep an eye out for that sort of thing.

Otherwise, you've got a nice idea here. Good luck with it.

Hi Marc
Liked this a lot. I wasn't sure about Matt at first but I found myself increasingly drawn into his view of the world. A great plot and, if I haven't already mentioned this, a cracking synopsis as well. On my shelf.
Sheila

Hi Marc, The last two chapters are extremely involving and I admire how you can take such real events and make them storylike. The town being described again in the aftermath of Peter's suicide and the handling of each character, their dialogue - it's excellent. Shelved. Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi Marc, I read about the town with the suicides and some of the speculations about the reason, last summer or fall I think. Your chronicling has both the ordinary and the ominous. Starting with the people on the bus and your prosaic observations and speculations: "In the 80s she wore a bum bag with an electric pink shell suit..." It's all usual in a worrisome way, "the sort of cloud that is waiting to eat you up..." and "unlike previous trips, there was no one parked in the disabled spaces to collect me..."

The whole description of the Welsh town and its environs gives a person a visual tour. And then that (hate to say it) Dylan Thomas-ish veering into the odd characters was all like a good memoir. But the party really concentrates on contemporary issues. Descriptions like "stinking introverted kid to a seaside Hercules..." though "In small towns; normal rules of relationships don't convert." Everything converts then to the present fashions, and then the part about gun crime, and the guy who beat up a friend with his crutches. Is it always this way or more now? You don't ask that but you've illustrated the problem. Astounding movement through all of these particulars. And then after the tragedy, the memoir-like tone becomes really more searching and storylike. The allusions to C. S. Eliot, the songs at the piano, and Goethe fit in to the tragic mood.

It's really something to read the news and then to read a well-written literary version of it. I'm saving the second half for when my shelf space opens up. On the WL - Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

April 2nd 2009 - Chapter 4 added

Sybil,

Glad you enjoyed it. Congratulations on the book success you're having.

Chapter 1 tense issues - actually thought I had put everything into the past tense. Perhaps I'm confusing my languages :s It's one of the downsides to language learning - they get mixed up and mess up your sentence structure.

I'll be sure to have a look at that.

With regards to a film - that would be nice. I appreciate cinema alot. We'll have to see how the book does first eh? I would definitely consider doing it.

Thanks for looking again and backing,
Marc

Laura,

What a brilliant critique. I feel pretty good about that. You raised some good points and gave some good ideas for the resolution of issues with my writing.

You're right. Matt is judgmental. I don't think I meant for this to happen - he was meant to be different but still be accessible as a character. He does get a bit more human later on I feel. I will post up a few more chapters later and you can see for yourself.

In fact, the problems you picked out are things that other people have pointed out to me. Unfortunately I have no time to rewrite significantly at the moment because I need to submit the whole manuscript for review at a publishers next week (Silly me - got excited and threw out a date to submit by! Next time I'll know.)

Matt develops a lot later specifically in his relationship with his girlfriend Charlotte Grace de Claire. You'll have to wait for that though :)

In my original edit, there was a foreword which had no characters and was prose about Bridgend. Some people advised me that this was not a good thing to put in. I have left it out for the moment but there are two more 'scene-setting' chapters where none of the plot takes place but the sentiment is advanced for the reader.

I am wondering if you could answer me a question? When you are reading, do you visualise the characters themselves? Or do you 'anchor' your own memories to them?

This is what I'm really interested in hearing from the readers - how it makes them think.
Marc

Hey Marc,

This is great stuff. Talk about an old head on young shoulders. Loved the philosophising, the way you have Matt disapprove of the drink/drugs culture of some of his friends. But that friendship is never condemnatory to the point of exclusion. And there is a deep-lying pathos to your work, too ... a sense of what life is like for the 'thinking' youth of today. That, in some ways, is not surprising given your age. Just that there are not many of your contemporaries who could tell a story with the feeling and poignancy as this. Well done.

Good luck with your writing.

Kind regards.

JOE CAPELLO (Beyond The Pale).

Found you on the forums. This looks like a good read. On my watch list. I'll be back for more.

Joanna

Marc, I like this. I know the area well, I was on the beach at Llantwit Major just the other week.
Anyway, I think you have the rudiments of a really good style here, bit Jack Kerouac. Sure, like many of us, you need to do a thorough edit and probably do some minor surgery. (I feel the way you introduce the name of the character, Matt Cleaver, for instance needs looking at. It feels a little clumsy and throwaway. I feel you could do it more subtlely)
That aside, as I say, I've enjoyed the first chapter - your observations on the train, your amazement at how old school friends turn out, and your obvious affection for Bridgend.
Well done, man, keep it up,
Ted Smith