THE GIANT KILLERS

Aliens in a toybox- original idea and a brilliant concept.This flows along smoothly ridled with great imagery and natural feeling dialogue. You can engage with the characters and the idea of a shattered world doesn't just mean the ground you're standing on. Nicely done.

Mark, thank you very much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful critique. I think you're right. I need a new ear and I will take your advice. I wrote this novel almost twenty years ago (and have a special affection for it) and my then agent was very keen to publish. But I heard nothing for 2 months. When I finally called it was to discover that she had left the industry because she was tired of fighting accountants who wanted quantity over quality. I've worked in the publishing and the film industry - even to writing screenplays - but to be one's own editor is a difficult task. I meant to get to your book on Sunday but work got in the way. Will get back to you later. Again, many thanks. Regards Barbara

The structure of your novel is lean and crisp. Your prose is pleasantly parallel. You’ve worked this novel and it shows. Congratulations.

Yet you have work to do.

Your dialogue advances your plot and often doesn’t enhance your characterizations. I think you need to rework it. I think you need to put your words in the mouths of people.

I suggest you need to hear your prose aloud. Print your novel. Sit in a comfy chair. Have someone read your words to you. Do not follow along with your eyes. Your eyes have traveled the prose path so many times that your mind assumes clarity. So follow with your ears. You will hear every misstep of a badly chosen word. You’ll hear where the eye needs to rest and the mind needs to breathe. Stop. Have your reader circle the text and move on. This is particularly effective with dialogue. You’ll hear every word that does not fit into a human mouth.

You often embrace the cliché. When a reader encounters a cliché, he emotionally and intellectually disengages. Its like autopilot. He’ll follow the path but he’s taken his foot off of the accelerator. A cliché is a familiar road. A reader can coast the curbs. And a thriller absolutely demands tension and aggression and speed. I think you need to put in a bit of sweat and rewrite them.

I think your novel is very nearly there. It’s very close.

Good luck

MT
"Post Marked."

The Giant Killers

What an incredibly imaginative story.
I like how you have created very different characters in the children and how you use dialogue to drive the story along
This is a very, very well written story.

The structure of your novel is lean and crisp. Your prose is pleasantly parallel. You’ve worked this novel and it shows. Congratulations.

Yet you have work to do.

Your dialogue advances your plot and often doesn’t enhance your characterizations. I think you need to rework it. I think you need to put your words in the mouths of people.

I suggest you need to hear your prose aloud. Print your novel. Sit in a comfy chair. Have someone read your words to you. Do not follow along with your eyes. Your eyes have traveled the prose path so many times that your mind assumes clarity. So follow with your ears. You will hear every misstep of a badly chosen word. You’ll hear where the eye needs to rest and the mind needs to breathe. Stop. Have your reader circle the text and move on. This is particularly effective with dialogue. You’ll hear every word that does not fit into a human mouth.

You often embrace the cliché. When a reader encounters a cliché, he emotionally and intellectually disengages. Its like autopilot. He’ll follow the path but he’s taken his foot off of the accelerator. A cliché is a familiar road. A reader can coast the curbs. And a thriller absolutely demands tension and aggression and speed. I think you need to put in a bit of sweat and rewrite them.

I think your novel is very nearly there. It’s very close.

Good luck

MT
"Post Marked."

The Giant Killlers:

An interesting first chapter with an edge of spookiness to it as the reader doesn’t know what powers the little people have or what’s in store for Beth and her difficult step-son.

At Elizabeth’s introduction. though, I had thought she was another child around Jack’s age, then I thought the wording is too grown up for a child, but of course, she’sJack’s stepmother…

Even though I’m not a sci-fi fan I found this a most entertaining read. Took me a while to get used to the multiple povs but realize it’s necessary to do it this way.

Well written but I thought it could be tightened a little throughout.

Just a couple of bits and bobs below.

…creatures return/creatures’ return. Maybe use another term – small figures/bodies? As you use creatures in the previous paragraph?

…smog (that hung) in the atmosphere…

Don’t think you need, she blurted out, as you’re telling us what we already know?

In Chapter two, I like the way you go into the little people’s pov and it makes us see Beth, like a giant in a room with giant objects, through their eyes.

I keep calling Ybron Byron.;)

I see the scenes very clearly here the way she lies on the floor to bring herself to their level. Very cinematic, if that’s the right word?

You use ‘creature’ twice in the same paragraph where Ybron is viewing her. Maybe, -revealing it to be female - instead of –revealing that the creature was female-?

All the best with this, your target audience will really love it, and it’s on my shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

This is an amazingly imaginative book. The idea of people from another planet who are the size of toy soldiers is original in itself, and when you add to this that they have been sent to an eight year old boy as a birthday present, you have a plot which is exciting and gripping. Elizabeth is a likable person, easy to relate to; while Jack, unfortunately, is a rather unpleasant child. The attitudes of Jack and Stephen to the little people, as opposed to Elizabeth's, is striking. This book is more than just original and exciting, however, for it has considerable depth. You are writing an allegory here, on the lines of Swift, with the attitudes of the human race to other nations brought clearly to the fore; those who were happy to become slave traders, for instance, when confronted with a race different from their own; and those who knew instinctively that this was wrong. You draw us in easily, and your hooks at chapter endings are very effectivel, such as Jack's frightening realisation, 'it would...be interesting to see how they worked.' Your writing is fluent and easy to read; and your characters are well drawn and lively. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Ok. Wow.

I'm going to be honest with you, I sent a message to you to ask you to back my book. Then I read your pitch. Your pitch made me read your book...

I'm leaving my spam message so you can see I"m not joking here.

This is soo good. Aghgh! I wish I could write my characters like this. We feel for Beth pretty quickly and her husband is a prat! The kid seems spoilt. You draw them perfectly. This really is one I wish I had time to read more of, but I'm on a crazy race for the editors desk.

Why on earth would this guy think it was a good idea to do this?? But you see, you evoke emotion in the reader and that - apparently is what we're supposed to do.

You do it perfectly.

I am backing it now because it deserves it.

Lorri

This is a clever story. Imagine being given nine miniature people as a birthday present? It has all sorts of possibilities and philosophical questions. On top of that, it's a good read. You have an engaging writing style. Backed. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

The whole premise of this is wildly creative, but it sets a high bar, so I was curious if you could pull it off, and you totally have. You've wielded all the necessary aspects very well. Well done. Backed, with a nod of respect.

fantastic idea

backed

This is a great concept, executed quite well. Backed.

What a wonderful concept. As an anthropologist, I love the possibilities. Backed!
Jane Bain ('Life Script')

Your writing is smooth and clear. Your characters are believable. But the story is brilliant! Where will it go? I can see an analogue between the corporate and banking "rulers" and the young boy. Will the boy treat the aliens with the same disregard as the corporate and banking "rulers' treat us? This is great!

Thanks to some very perceptive criticisms on this site (thank you Authonomites!) I am, at present, in the process of a major rewrite and don't have time for individualized comments.
If you are reading this it means I have read the first couple of chapters of your book and think it is worthy of my support. My training is in the visual arts so I can't really help with the 'nuts & bolts' but if you would like to know what I really liked about your work, just send me a message and as soon as I can I will get back to you.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read of your book.

Hi, This is quite unusual. I first thought of the movie with the animals that came from the board game. I can't remember the name of the film. Your writing is good and the story flows. It isn't really my thing, but I'm sure others will love it. All the Best with it, Gerry

I loved this story and thought it was well-written. For some reason though, when I got to facsimile it stumped me for a bit. I thought they were paper thin small humans. Perhaps its just me. Anyway, backed with pleasure, Sana x

What a clever idea for a story - it's almost believable! The writing is excellent and very polished. This should be doing better than it is! I am certainly backing it and I am thoroughly enjoying reading it! Thanks.

Whole different genre but check out The Cheech Room. I tink if you have a good imagination as you obviously do, you will enjoy the romp! Thanks.

Quite a different idea for sci-fi Barabara. Intriguing. The chapters presented here are quite chilling, since we are familiar with eight year old boys 'playing with' insects. I would like an idea of the story itself - the pitch gives more an overview of the setting rather than what the book is about. I'm also wondering about the part in chapter six when Jack says 'he said my name', although thye name said was Ke-vin. There's a lot of good ideas written well though, so shelved.
Best wishes,
Scott.

This is a great read, clever, quick witted and impossible to find a nit pick with. Some writers make it very easy to leave comment cause there are glaring errors in there work, but this seems like you've already edited the crap out of it and polished it up to a healthy shine. I'm not one for fantasy so I won't churp in with any ideas. What i looked for and found was believable writing. It's alright calling a book fantasy but you still have to allow the reader to believe the unbelievable and you manage this.
David
Bailey of the Saints

I agree with those who say the book is better than the long pitch reveals. Shelved.

Best wishes for this,
Bill

This is 100% filmic! What a brilliant original idea!
Gobsmacked. That's about all I have to say. Should go to the top, this one.
Best wishes
Sue
A Boy Called George (please take a look if you have the time)

Dear Barbara Richmond-O'Neill,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a fascinating premise here, where Jack realizes his toy dolls are actually alive, and now he has the opportunity to play god and potentially abuse his power or not. This concept has questions of ethics and nuances of tension, which, in my fallible opinion, you could portray better in your pitches. In your short pitch, the last “they” is ambiguous, and the “dolls” would serve better. The first paragraph of the long pitch riveted me, but don’t stop there. It’s alright to reveal anything up to the third act in the pitch, and it’d perfectly acceptable for you to mention if actual people had been shrunken down to make expensive toys (or whatever shocking mechanism brought them into being). Currently, I'm not sure who is the protagonist, the boy or the tiny people, and the pitch should center either on him or them. Then you could describe some of the tension inherent in the situation and the complications of the giants fitting into their new role as gods. Then end the pitch on a cliffhanger, of course, which I suspect will be the toys plotting to kill the giant boy.

You have an exciting story here, and I can’t wait to see it when it leads with an equally stunning pitch. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

What a fantastic story and what a wonderful book, it can make. i love such novel ideas, just touching my heart. they are alife. checked their chests all nine of them were alife. the dad is responsible for sending those gift for his child. Wonderful. backed

shah

Barbara,

The Giant Killer - 2150 - resources on earth are scarce. Jack's father is space-travelling, while Jack is marooned at home with a step-mother he hates. The smuggled-in birthday present from Jack's father arrives. They are a group of tiny, but psychologically highly evolved people from another planet, kept like pets in a cage. Because his step-mother begins to care for them and develop rapport, Jack's resentment and powerlessness increase. He gets pleasure from exercising control over the little people in a manner that makes the reader crinch. The tension is palpable. A fascinating story, and if there's no change of heart in Jack, there may be dire consequences. Stunning story.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I love it. Please hurry and finish it.

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Loved the cover art

The writing is fluid

You do a great job with the descriptions

It is touching and you get the point across nonetheless

Your type of manuscript is what publishers and agents seek

I wish you all the best

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

This is well written and what a great premise for a sci fi book, tiny miniature beings ilegally taken from another planet and given to a human child as pets. Backed with pleasure.
BADD

Thank you so much. A generous act, much appreciated.

This is well written and what a great premise for a sci fi book, tiny miniature beings ilegally taken from another planet and given to a human child as pets. Backed with pleasure.
BADD

I love the cover and title, this is an incredible idea from an amazing imagination. The opening is brilliant I especially liked the snapped back to the box the mother did in the second line, brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant idea, backed already.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

Barbara
I wondered for a while at the relationship between Elizabeth and Jack....It is not clear for a beat of quite a few paragraphs that she's his step mother.......I wondered why not introduce her immediately....

Elizabeth, Jacks stepmothers attention snapped..........

Elizabeth says
'After we speak to Stephen' she would say......'After we speak to your father' implies more authority, also you very rarely refer to a parent by a christian name when speaking to such a young child....

Jack did not appear overly excited to me.....I have a 14 year old he'd have been at the point of self combusting with such a gift....

Smothered them......typo.....smother them......

This is a bit of a challenge....I admit I dont have the imagination to be able to write this myself....An intriguing premise, and a sure winner among the YA market......

Shelved with best wishes for 2010......

Barbara
Loved the blog, the title and cover. It was a surprise to find the relationship between Elizabeth and Jack is such a tense one. His eight year old boisterousness seemingly to drive her to distraction! Like the idea of the little people, I was with Stephen on that one, and wanted to find out what they were. The Lhaitiri seem to have a darker edge, which we may see once the effects of the knock out drugs disperse. Altogether a cracking read. YA are going to love this often thought-provoking piece. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

That's a wonderful cover and the short pitch in particular is excellent.
I was slightly disconcerted by the "Enter a title for this Chapter" headings, but the story is fascinating. I note you've tagged it as Thriller / Fantasy / YA, but there's a great deal of SF in here and, even though the young characters, Jack and Elizabeth are central to the action, they form only a part of the story and it is with the Lhaitiri that the fascination of the ongoing plot lies. The book poses questions about relationships, and you deal with this aspect very well, but also delves into an examination of the nature of humanity and how it is perceived by outsiders. This is impressive writing and, having read all your chapters, I'm intrigued and want to know where this is going.
Very accomplished writing, a distinctly thought-provoking premise and a distinct sense of unease, I like this a lot.
Backed.
Jared.

I wasn't convinced on your opening line - is age the most important thing that I need to know about this character. The way it's wedged in is a bit clunky -- I'd actually rephrase to "Eight year old Jack..." But you might also consider describing the scene or more about the physical characteristics of the character at the start.

I read on. I like how the plot started to unfold. The last line of the first chapter "but first" seemed to sort of hang there. You might consider something a bit more definitive - I expected something more. On to chapter 2 what I enjoyed most was the scenario with the water, the spoon and the glass -- there was just something about how simple that was and yet I'm sure it was telling from a character standpoint. Nice work.

good story! i enjoyed what i read, which was the first three chapters. i am pleased to back this

Trust Jane to steer me to a real find.
Backed with the greatest pleasure.

Hi Barbara!

First of all, what a book cover!!! Amazing. Did you do it yourself? I do love it, as well as your pitch. Nice hook at the end of a really great premise. I would buy this from the pitch alone. Great job!

Inside the book - you plunge right in with the mysterious package. I always think that the YA audience needs action right out of the gate (not that people don't argue with me about that!!!)

Couple of nits:
-Paragraph 6 - RICOD". - the period should go inside the end quote
-Paragraph 6 - creatures needs an apostrophe to make it possessive (creatures')
-Paragraph 7 - "After we speak to Stephen..." Should that be "After we speak to your dad..." ? I got confused as to whether or not Stephen was his dad when I first read that.
-The paragraph that starts with "Who in the hell would suspect Roger?" (sorry, I've lost my count!) One of the sentences has two periods.
-Towards the end of chapter one - "bed-time" - I don't believe needs a hyphen (at least that's what dictionary.com is telling me - may be a style/cultural difference!)

Okay, I know that is the coolest of cool gifts for an 8-year-old, but I can also see why Elizabeth would be so alarmed... You've done a great job drawing the dynamics (or lack thereof) of the family structure well, such friction there. I'm reading on, but pausing briefly to leave these comments and back the book. Great job with this - nicely done!!!

Kim
Invisible Justice

This came up on my newsfeed and, as I tend to like books Kim likes, I thought i'd drop over. What a fabulous surprise. I love the ethical and practical issues this raises, quite apart from the fantasy element.. You write really well and some of the imagery is sublime - I loved the prison bars image for instance.
My major concern is that, if this is YA, then you have an adult POV with Elizabeth. That might be an issue, as convention tends to have a teen POV in YA.
A few tiny nits made me stumble... 'creatures' return' needs an apostrophe.
'blazed' seems a tad cliched and your writing isn't....
Actually, that was it.....
Really fabulous premise with masses going for it...it's unusual, well-thought out and nicely executed.
I'm very happy to back you.
Jane
WALKER

Barbara, this is a wonderful story. I love reading about these two worlds and two peoples and how they observe one another. I've read much more than my normal sampling, and I'll be coming back to read more. I'm happy to back this. Good work!
Sandy
Orphan and a Half

Hola barbara, te he encontrado , ahora te toca a ti traducir, Me encanta tener una amiga escritora

Hi Barbara,
Fascinating ideas in The Giant Killers..I think this would appeal to your target readers and beyond!
Good clean writing and plenty of action. Backed with my pleasure.
Dawn : ARK

You don't waste anytime diving into this. What a intriguing idea you have here.
Sometimes I wonder where people come up with this stuff, in a good way of course.
Your writing is descriptive, yet not overly so, you have captured your charcaters well. they are believeable, and interesting.
What I liked most is Jack, his youthfulness and trusting nature really shine through. What I would do if I noticed my minature human toys were breathing, I do not know.

Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor.

SORRY...This site's working like a snail with a
broken leg,,, Your comment will come later...nice book

I was only able to read the first chapter and I know I want to read more to find out about the little people when they wake up. I must say I'm worried about Jack. But then I wonder if I should be worried for Jack. This has potential to be a fun read for children (and big children!). Backing with pleasure! It deserves to move up.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly
The Hobble Knobble Gobble Tree

Hi Barbara, this is a really quirky story, you have imagined and described quite a scary future, you have also painted it so well that I believe it could exist. The little people is a fascinating plot line and Elizabeths dislike of te whole idea adds a good dimension to the piece. I think this is setting up to be a great story so I am putting it on my shelf.
Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Read your first chapter; thought this was a bit lengthy for a intro chapter. You wanna draw in your reader. Keep it short.

Brilliant short pitch; make the long pitch match it.

Glad to BACK it for original content. Do look forward to your comments on my book. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

The Giant Killers...

I ADORE this story (I've never used capital letters before in my comments). And, overall, this is fine writing, but I'm going to suggest a book to you, not because I think your writing is terrible--quite the opposite. I think you're really talented and I would love for this novel to be published. There's so little that you have to do to make this book and the writing shine. The recommended book is Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. If you give me your e-mail address, I'll send you a copy of my book on the writing craft when it's published, but that won't be until Christmas.

You are a wonderful storyteller. I really hope you make it to the Editor's Desk because I believe in this book.

Shelved enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

The Giant Killers...

I agree with the comments about your pitch; i.e., you need to simplify it. The supposed formula is as follows:
Who is your protagonist? What does s/he want? What obstacles does s/he encounter? And a hint about resolution. Please don't use my pitch as an example, because I'm pitch-challenged.

That said, I adore this story. When you're finished with these little people, I want some, too (unless they turn into monsters, of course.) You know how to create and build conflict, and your writing is very fine.

Which leads me to a nit, which is really more than a nit, and that is the Ing Sentence. When a sentence begins with a gerund, it's usually fine (e.g., writing is magical), but when the ing word is a participle, you can fall into two traps. The first trap (e.g., moving across the kitchen she sat at the bare wooden table) is that you turn what are sequential actions into concurrent ones, i.e., how can she move across the kitchen and sit in the chair at the same time? The second trap (which you haven't fallen into) is that the participle-clause doesn't agree with the subject of the main clause. I'm pleased to share this newest acquisition in my warehouse of writing craft tips with someone like you because I love your writing. Also, take a look at novels by award-winning writers (e.g., Pulitzer Prize or Orange Prize nominees) and you will rarely, if ever, see an Ing Sentence...probably because even if correct they're not particularly elegant.

Reading on...

Hi Barbara

Very tightly written first chapter. Good characterisation. None of them are exactly likeable yet but they don't necessarily have to be. You tend to the plot with great economy and I'm drawn to find out what happens next. Wondering if there will be shades of Doris Lessing's The Fifth Child.

I do agree with Sheilab's 2 points below.

But all in all a bright sheen of professionalism shines over your writing.

Ian

Hello Barbara,

A fascinating opening chapter for what promises to be an enthralling story about jack and his world. Shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)