Book Jacket

 

rank 5335
word count 22012
date submitted 31.03.2009
date updated 15.04.2010
genres: Fiction, Thriller, Science Fiction,...
classification: moderate
incomplete

THE GIANT KILLERS

Barbara Richmond-O'Neill

When Elizabeth and Jack open the package they believe they are looking into a toy box. It is Jack who notices they are breathing.

 

In 2150, in an isolated house on the shores of a small inlet in Sussex, something terrible has happened; a gross act that will change the face of history. Jack’s father, by dint of a clever deceit, has sent his son a group of indigenous people (The Lhaitiri) from the planet where he’s working as a geologist on a colonization project.

Despite being appalled by what her husband has done, Elizabeth is forced to deal with the situation. As yet unaware of their capabilities she can only hope to keep them alive. But when conversation is finally possible, so comes understanding.

And then there is Jack. In his view The Lhaitiri are little more than toys to his eight year-old mind and his experiments to see how they work are becoming life-threatening. He must, somehow, be stopped.

The question is, at only 12 centimetres tall, are they truly too small to worry about?

 
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disbelief, fear, out of this world, tension, the future

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Arrival

 

 

 

 

 

Jack, eight years old, gazed at his birthday gift with near breathless speculation.

    'They're breathing,’ he said.

    Elizabeth's attention snapped back to the box where it lay on the kitchen table, to the blonde-haired figures inside.  Perfect.  Beautiful.  Twelve centimetre facsimiles of the human form.  Already reeling from the shock that they were not, as she had at first thought, sophisticated toys, she searched for signs of life.   For a few precious moments she had thought them dead, comforted by the knowledge that their ordeal was over.  Jack was an experienced and sophisticated liar; was he lying now, just to frighten her?  Or could they have somehow survived the flight from GT4?

    As she drew closer she could see a pulse, the gentle rise and fall of a breast, breathing so shallow as to be almost imperceptible.  They were alive. All nine of them.

    The letter that had accompanied their arrival lay in her fist, crushed there by incredulous anger.  It was from her husband, Stephen, these past ten months on the planet GT4, a geologist with the latest American-funded colonisation project.  Outraged by his thoughtlessness in sending these small creatures to an eight year-old child, she found it difficult to come to terms with his callous disregard for their well-being.  He didn’t seem to realise that not only had he contravened the rules and regulations of the expedition to the point of criminality, he had transgressed one of the most sacred moral codes known to man.

    She glanced at the clock on the wall above the stove. In fifteen minutes he would be coming through on the time slot he had booked on RICOD*. Somehow she had to convince him what he had done was wrong – persuade him to make arrangements for the creatures return.  She glanced at Jack.  How could she explain to him that he would be unable to keep them?

    ‘We’ll put them upstairs in the attic until they wake up,’ she said carefully, wary of his displeasure.  ‘After we speak to Stephen, we’ll decide what to do.’

    He frowned.  ‘What do you mean?’

    ‘We know nothing about them, Jack.  They may be disease carriers.  They may be feral.  Go to the dairy and get Piggy’s old cage.  We’ll put the box inside and lock it.’

    He shifted in his chair.  ‘I want them in my room,’ he said expressionlessly, sucking his upper lip into his mouth, one finger pulling the box towards him.

    ‘Do as I say now, no arguments.’

    ‘They’re my present, not-‘

    ‘Jack, please, your father will be coming through in a few minutes, do as I say.’

   

* RICOD  Laser activated ‘Rapid Interstellar Communication Device’

 

To give Jack orders was a mistake, she knew this. Yet still she had found no

satisfactory method of dealing with him.

    ‘You’re not my mother, you can’t make-‘

    ‘Jack!  I won’t tell you again!’  Her eyes blazed into his.  Warm and brown like his father’s they were a constant reminder of a man she no longer cared for.

    He jumped to his feet. ‘No, I won’t!’

    She felt the onset of angry frustration, a tight band around her chest.  Her head throbbed with it.  It took an effort to remain calm.

    ‘Let’s see what Stephen has to say, shall we?’  She replaced the lid on the box and picked it up.  ‘Go now, I’ll meet you in the attic.’  Without waiting to see if he obeyed, she left the room.

    It was hot and as she moved through the hall she felt perspiration break the surface of her skin.  The three hundred year-old house retained the day’s heat, despite the thickness of the walls.  The air-conditioning unit, a relic from the twentieth century that Stephen had somehow kept working, made little or no difference.

    The attic stairs almost defeated her and half way up she had to stop and sit for a moment to catch her breath.  There was a moon tonight, bathing her bare feet in harsh light, its reflection through the bannister rails making prison bars against the plain, whitewashed walls.  Her mind wandered.  It was strange to think that one day, perhaps in the not too distant future, the Earth would cease to be.  That there would finally be an end.

    It would be a relief, she thought, for what kind of life was it?  The constant battle for survival.  The soured earth that made growing any edible crop a nightmare of trial and error; the terrible storms that scoured the land to send believers and non-believers alike running for cover.  How much longer could they all go on?  Everyone had a virus of some kind or another and those poor devils in the cities, forced to breathe the filthy, photochemical smog that hung in the atmosphere, afflicted with the pollution-related asthma that burned into their lungs…. and always the heat that sapped first the energy, then the will…. and yet, there was still some small part of her that hoped, against all the odds, that a solution would be found.

    The box was no heavier than a medium-sized book and she straightened it on her lap.  And now this.  Her hand reached for the rail and she hauled herself to her feet, just as the backdoor slammed and she heard Jack’s noisy presence.

    ‘Up here!’ she called.  ‘Come on, it’s almost time.’

    He came to stand beside her as she put the box inside the cage.  Without looking at him she turned, waiting for him to leave before closing the attic door.  He stood aside and as she descended the stairs she was aware of him, tight-lipped with frustration, at her heels. 

    The RICOD receiver was in the sitting room, pre-coded, so that when she pressed the button the channel automatically opened to GT4.  A moment later the screen lightened and then she was looking into her husband’s face.

    ‘Beth,’ he said warmly.

    ‘Stephen.’   Whatever they said they must be careful.  Anyone could tap into their link, either by accident or design.  She should have reminded Jack.  Too late now.

    A grin suddenly transformed Stephen’s face as he saw Jack appear.

    ‘Jack!  Did you get the present?’

    ‘Yes!  Thanks Dad, they’re really great!’

    ‘Stephen’, she warned.

    ‘It’s OK, I’m in Tom Wright’s office.  The link has a security tag on it, we can speak freely.’

    Now that she had his attention the words were difficult to find, he’d given her no time to prepare.

    ‘Whatever made you do it!’ she blurted out.

    His smile was calculated to charm.  ‘I thought you might be a bit upset initially.  But think of it!  I couldn’t believe it, I thought I was hallucinating!’

    He was more than excited she saw.  To reason with him would be a waste of time.

    ‘Tell me what happened’, she asked, wishing she knew how to deal with him.

    He shrugged, throwing her the crooked smile that she had once found so charming. ‘It was my duty for the routine survey. Did I tell you that one or two of the others have begun to experience respiratory problems, so we’ve been warned to suit up?  Well, this, of course, means that the terra-forming process will be set back and the argument for biospheres thrown open again – and you know how I feel about that!’

    He paused and Elizabeth recognised his need for approval.  He was skirting the issue, trying to warm her up so that she’d share his enthusiasm.  She searched his face for any sign of regret over his actions. There was nothing.

    ‘We’ve already discussed this, Stephen, I know your views.  Tell me about the people.’

    For a moment he hesitated, his eyes searching hers until she saw doubt reflected there.  ‘Well, permission still hasn’t come through to go into the southern sector but I thought I’d go as far as the mountains that virtually cut the planet in two.  I’d planned only to observe but when I saw a narrow pass about seventy metres up, I decided to investigate.  Of course, we knew from the surveys and satellite pictures that the other side of the planet was fertile but I didn’t expect to come across an indigenous race for Christ’s sake!’

    He was filled with excitement once more, his handsome face creasing into a boyish smile.  Jack laughed with him.  With each passing minute her task was becoming more and more difficult.  He thought to win her over by leading her through the course of events.  He clearly felt no remorse.

    ‘Go on,’ she prompted.

    ‘The pass led into a sandy valley, some scrub, a stream, a few small trees, nothing grand.  I’d decided to turn back when something caught my eye.  God, I wish Jack could have been there!’

    Jack pushed her out of the way and began to talk excitedly to his father.  Elizabeth moved aside willingly glad of the interruption as she tried to gather her thoughts.

    When they’d met in Edinburgh three years ago, she’d been impressed by his achievements in his chosen field.  His degree was brilliant and his enthusiastic approach to life had thrown her delightfully off balance.  Three years her junior he was that curious mixture of academic and child.  Give him the most complicated mathematical equation and he would solve it; ask him to perform a simple task and his impracticality was laughable.

    She studied his face, animated now with pleasure as he talked to his son.  His emotional instability frightened her.  She had confused his simple-mindedness with candour, his cold, scientific brain with brilliance – whereas he was, in fact, no better than a dangerous child.  He seemed unable to grasp the true meaning of right and wrong, led only by his desire for things to be as he wanted them.

    ‘I didn’t think, Beth,’ he said now, bringing her back into the conversation.  ‘I just reacted.  I’d left my sample case down below so I tore off my jacket and threw it over them.  I missed a few, of course, but there was no time to be rational.  They were riding animals that looked like a distant relative of the horse, with longer ears and legs – they were far too quick for me to catch, I’m afraid.’

    ‘How did you get them back to the station – don’t tell me they kept conveniently still and quiet.’

    If he recognised her bitter sarcasm he chose to ignore it.

    ‘They didn’t struggle, just stared at me.  No sound.  They could be mute, of course.  Difficult to say.  I had some Chlodral as part of the medical kit and I just put a pad of it inside my case and shut them in with it.  They were unconscious in less than ten seconds.’  He shrugged.  ‘Roger was coming on leave, nothing could be simpler than to pack them in a box and tell him it was a present for Jack’s birthday.  He didn’t even question it.’

    He paused and she realised he expected her to congratulate his ingenuity.

    'But how did Roger get them through security?  Why weren't they detected?'  His arrogant laughter increased her anger and she felt the muscles in her face stiffen.

    'Who the hell would suspect Roger?  No-one who wanted to keep their job would dare question anything he was carrying.  Why'd you think I chose him?  I told him I'd been making toy soldiers for Jack's birthday. Why wouldn't he believe me?'

    ‘If you’re caught you face life internment – and Roger.’  How could he in conscience have used his best friend in such a shabby way?

    ‘How can I get caught?  They’re with you now.  No-one suspects a thing.  Think of it, Beth!  What with your love of language and the three years you did in Edinburgh on anthropology and linguistics – you’re always saying you have nothing to occupy your mind.  They mightn't be mute.  Think of the possibilities!’

    The possibilities!  Had he lost his reason?  And to be reminded of what she’d given up for him – her country, her studies, all she held dear. And for what?  A widower and his difficult son.  Two years of her life wasted!

    ‘But what do you know about them?  Suppose they carry some taint?  Remember the Fabrizzi case?  The virus he brought back to Earth in 2143 killed over fifty thousand people.  How do you know-‘

    ‘Calm down, Beth.  I had little time to examine them I admit, but aren’t they the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen?  They're as close to perfection as it’s possible to get.  It's weird, I know, but they're kind of clinically clean.  Their skin has a scent to it, sort of flowery...? He shrugged again. 'I don’t think they’re disease carriers, I think-‘

    ‘Oh Stephen, that’s just it, you don’t think, you haven’t thought, have you?  The whole scheme is madness.  You know nothing about them, nothing!’

    ‘Stop getting into a panic and listen to me. I gave them a mild dose of Septatrol before I packed them in the box, they should return to consciousness tonight or tomorrow – all I ask is that you wait and see.’

    When she didn’t respond, he frowned.  ‘I thought you’d be as thrilled as I am. What’s the problem?’

    In her frustration, she almost laughed.  His petulance fuelled her anger.   

    ‘You seem to have totally overlooked the fact that, not only have you uprooted these …. these people from their planet and sent them to an eight year old child, you suddenly expect me to be thrilled by your discovery, your conduct…. I don’t know what to say.  The whole thing is so fantastic…. Look, it’s not too late.  I’ll contact Roger before he returns and give him the box to give to you.  You can release them, it’s not too late…’

    ‘No!’  Jack, seemingly about to have his present taken away, shouted his objection.  ‘They’re mine! Dad, tell her… I want to keep them, they’re mine!’

    ‘It’s all right, calm down, Jack, they’re not going anywhere.  Elizabeth, stop being so damned negative.  I’m giving you the chance to study an alien species, an opportunity most people would give their-‘

    ‘For pity’s sake think what you’re asking.  You can’t seriously expect me to keep those creatures here – suppose someone should find out.  The risks are too great.’

    ‘Now you’re creating problems.  The house is pretty isolated.  You have the sea on one side and marshlands on the other. Hardly anyone ever comes there.  It’s an ideal spot for research.’

    In her panic she’d lost her opportunity.  He couldn’t bear to be opposed and now she couldn’t think of any coherent argument. 

    ‘Suppose Jack tells one of his school friends, or worse, a stranger?  You know how the Government operates, I’d be arrested.’

    He switched his attention to Jack.  ‘Jack?  This is a secret between the three of us, understood?’

    Jack, reassured, smiled and nodded.  ‘Understood, dad.’

    Elizabeth felt her stomach twist and knot with the effort to stay rational.  She drew a shuddering breath.

    ‘He’s eight years old, Stephen, you can’t rely on his silence.  It isn’t fair to either of us.  Let me speak to Roger, please.’

    ‘Out of the question.  You’re just panicking, Beth.  When you’ve calmed down, you’ll see I’m right – anyway, by then you’ll be hooked.’

    She couldn’t just give up.

    ‘What about The Foundation? You can’t seriously believe they knew nothing of these people – why else do you think you and the others have been kept out of the southern sector?  You said yourself conditions there were contrary to the laws of evolution.  Don’t be naïve, Stephen.  Jonathan Tupperman probably already knows what you’ve done – he may even be listening to our conversation.  Let me give them back to Roger, you can explain it was an aberration, or something...‘

    ‘You’re becoming paranoid. No-one knows.  I was nowhere near any of the monitoring devices.  And as to Tupperman knowing… there are only twenty of us up here, if he knew about these people, believe me, we’d all know!’  He glanced at his watch.  ‘I have to go now, Tom’s due back soon.  Write to me with any developments but don’t use the RICOD or the public system, it’s too risky.  I’ve already taken a chance in using Tom’s office without his permission.  Look, everything'll be fine, trust me.  I’ll be home in four months by which time I know you’ll be as excited as I am.  Love to you both.  Bye.’

    As his image faded she became aware of Jack’s sideways glance.  He was enjoying her distress, sharing in what he saw as his father’s triumph over her.  His expression became sly.

    ‘I’ll take them to my room now.’

    ‘You’ll stay away from the attic until they’re awake, Jack, then we’ll be able to see what we’re dealing with.’

    His clear skin turned a dull pink.  ‘They’re mine, you-‘

    ‘We’ll decide what to do when they wake up.’  To reason with him was a waste of time, to argue, a mistake.

    ‘Dad said they’re mine.  Not yours.  You’ve no right to take them away from me!’

    An academic by nature she bore no delusions to motherhood. Nevertheless, she could understand his annoyance at having his birthday present confiscated.

    ‘We’ll discuss it later.  You have an hour before bed, why don’t you watch or listen to something – or even read a book, now there’s a novelty.’

    ‘I want to see the people!’

    ‘One hour.  Then it’s bed-time.’  She left the room.

    As soon as she entered the kitchen, she closed the door and leaned against it.  God, but the child almost drove her beyond reason!  As often as not she was completely non-plussed by his behaviour forced to accept Stephen’s assurance that it was natural for a boy of that age.  And maybe it was.  There were so many pressures on children these days, what did she know?  But still she remained uneasy.  He was a devious child, spoiled and with a penchant for deceit that bordered on the abnormal.  Above all he needed love and understanding, a mother – none of which she could give him.

    Acceptance of her inadequacy was something she’d learned to put up with, despite recognising it as the cowardice it undoubtedly was.  With renewed weariness she moved across the kitchen to sit heavily at the bare wooden table.  Stephen wouldn’t give up the people and Jack would use every means he could find to disobey her where they were concerned.  She leaned her forehead against her hands.  Suppose, before they awoke, she got rid of them?  Smothered them, perhaps?  She could say they never regained consciousness.  Horrified by the thought of such an act, nevertheless the temptation was great and surely it was the kindest and most sensible solution?

    Before she could change her mind, she rose and made her way towards the attic, first making sure that Jack was occupied in his room.

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RichardBard wrote 174 days ago

Hi Barbara!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. While you’re there, check out the “Feel the Rush” promotion that will get you BRAINRUSH plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really!

Owen Quinn wrote 663 days ago

Aliens in a toybox- original idea and a brilliant concept.This flows along smoothly ridled with great imagery and natural feeling dialogue. You can engage with the characters and the idea of a shattered world doesn't just mean the ground you're standing on. Nicely done.

Barbara O'Neill wrote 666 days ago

Mark, thank you very much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful critique. I think you're right. I need a new ear and I will take your advice. I wrote this novel almost twenty years ago (and have a special affection for it) and my then agent was very keen to publish. But I heard nothing for 2 months. When I finally called it was to discover that she had left the industry because she was tired of fighting accountants who wanted quantity over quality. I've worked in the publishing and the film industry - even to writing screenplays - but to be one's own editor is a difficult task. I meant to get to your book on Sunday but work got in the way. Will get back to you later. Again, many thanks. Regards Barbara


The structure of your novel is lean and crisp. Your prose is pleasantly parallel. You’ve worked this novel and it shows. Congratulations.

Yet you have work to do.

Your dialogue advances your plot and often doesn’t enhance your characterizations. I think you need to rework it. I think you need to put your words in the mouths of people.

I suggest you need to hear your prose aloud. Print your novel. Sit in a comfy chair. Have someone read your words to you. Do not follow along with your eyes. Your eyes have traveled the prose path so many times that your mind assumes clarity. So follow with your ears. You will hear every misstep of a badly chosen word. You’ll hear where the eye needs to rest and the mind needs to breathe. Stop. Have your reader circle the text and move on. This is particularly effective with dialogue. You’ll hear every word that does not fit into a human mouth.

You often embrace the cliché. When a reader encounters a cliché, he emotionally and intellectually disengages. Its like autopilot. He’ll follow the path but he’s taken his foot off of the accelerator. A cliché is a familiar road. A reader can coast the curbs. And a thriller absolutely demands tension and aggression and speed. I think you need to put in a bit of sweat and rewrite them.

I think your novel is very nearly there. It’s very close.

Good luck

MT
"Post Marked."

Famlavan wrote 667 days ago


The Giant Killers

What an incredibly imaginative story.
I like how you have created very different characters in the children and how you use dialogue to drive the story along
This is a very, very well written story.

MarkRTrost wrote 669 days ago

The structure of your novel is lean and crisp. Your prose is pleasantly parallel. You’ve worked this novel and it shows. Congratulations.

Yet you have work to do.

Your dialogue advances your plot and often doesn’t enhance your characterizations. I think you need to rework it. I think you need to put your words in the mouths of people.

I suggest you need to hear your prose aloud. Print your novel. Sit in a comfy chair. Have someone read your words to you. Do not follow along with your eyes. Your eyes have traveled the prose path so many times that your mind assumes clarity. So follow with your ears. You will hear every misstep of a badly chosen word. You’ll hear where the eye needs to rest and the mind needs to breathe. Stop. Have your reader circle the text and move on. This is particularly effective with dialogue. You’ll hear every word that does not fit into a human mouth.

You often embrace the cliché. When a reader encounters a cliché, he emotionally and intellectually disengages. Its like autopilot. He’ll follow the path but he’s taken his foot off of the accelerator. A cliché is a familiar road. A reader can coast the curbs. And a thriller absolutely demands tension and aggression and speed. I think you need to put in a bit of sweat and rewrite them.

I think your novel is very nearly there. It’s very close.

Good luck

MT
"Post Marked."

Cait wrote 686 days ago

The Giant Killlers:

An interesting first chapter with an edge of spookiness to it as the reader doesn’t know what powers the little people have or what’s in store for Beth and her difficult step-son.

At Elizabeth’s introduction. though, I had thought she was another child around Jack’s age, then I thought the wording is too grown up for a child, but of course, she’sJack’s stepmother…

Even though I’m not a sci-fi fan I found this a most entertaining read. Took me a while to get used to the multiple povs but realize it’s necessary to do it this way.

Well written but I thought it could be tightened a little throughout.

Just a couple of bits and bobs below.

…creatures return/creatures’ return. Maybe use another term – small figures/bodies? As you use creatures in the previous paragraph?

…smog (that hung) in the atmosphere…

Don’t think you need, she blurted out, as you’re telling us what we already know?

In Chapter two, I like the way you go into the little people’s pov and it makes us see Beth, like a giant in a room with giant objects, through their eyes.

I keep calling Ybron Byron.;)

I see the scenes very clearly here the way she lies on the floor to bring herself to their level. Very cinematic, if that’s the right word?

You use ‘creature’ twice in the same paragraph where Ybron is viewing her. Maybe, -revealing it to be female - instead of –revealing that the creature was female-?

All the best with this, your target audience will really love it, and it’s on my shelf.

Cáit ~ Muckers ~

gillyflower wrote 689 days ago

This is an amazingly imaginative book. The idea of people from another planet who are the size of toy soldiers is original in itself, and when you add to this that they have been sent to an eight year old boy as a birthday present, you have a plot which is exciting and gripping. Elizabeth is a likable person, easy to relate to; while Jack, unfortunately, is a rather unpleasant child. The attitudes of Jack and Stephen to the little people, as opposed to Elizabeth's, is striking. This book is more than just original and exciting, however, for it has considerable depth. You are writing an allegory here, on the lines of Swift, with the attitudes of the human race to other nations brought clearly to the fore; those who were happy to become slave traders, for instance, when confronted with a race different from their own; and those who knew instinctively that this was wrong. You draw us in easily, and your hooks at chapter endings are very effectivel, such as Jack's frightening realisation, 'it would...be interesting to see how they worked.' Your writing is fluent and easy to read; and your characters are well drawn and lively. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Lorri wrote 689 days ago

Ok. Wow.

I'm going to be honest with you, I sent a message to you to ask you to back my book. Then I read your pitch. Your pitch made me read your book...

I'm leaving my spam message so you can see I"m not joking here.

This is soo good. Aghgh! I wish I could write my characters like this. We feel for Beth pretty quickly and her husband is a prat! The kid seems spoilt. You draw them perfectly. This really is one I wish I had time to read more of, but I'm on a crazy race for the editors desk.

Why on earth would this guy think it was a good idea to do this?? But you see, you evoke emotion in the reader and that - apparently is what we're supposed to do.

You do it perfectly.

I am backing it now because it deserves it.

Lorri

Burgio wrote 697 days ago

This is a clever story. Imagine being given nine miniature people as a birthday present? It has all sorts of possibilities and philosophical questions. On top of that, it's a good read. You have an engaging writing style. Backed. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Paige Pendleton wrote 699 days ago

The whole premise of this is wildly creative, but it sets a high bar, so I was curious if you could pull it off, and you totally have. You've wielded all the necessary aspects very well. Well done. Backed, with a nod of respect.

Mark Tolley wrote 701 days ago

fantastic idea

backed

adam.voth wrote 701 days ago

This is a great concept, executed quite well. Backed.

Jane Bain wrote 702 days ago

What a wonderful concept. As an anthropologist, I love the possibilities. Backed!
Jane Bain ('Life Script')

Rubedo wrote 704 days ago

Your writing is smooth and clear. Your characters are believable. But the story is brilliant! Where will it go? I can see an analogue between the corporate and banking "rulers" and the young boy. Will the boy treat the aliens with the same disregard as the corporate and banking "rulers' treat us? This is great!

Francesco wrote 705 days ago

Thanks to some very perceptive criticisms on this site (thank you Authonomites!) I am, at present, in the process of a major rewrite and don't have time for individualized comments.
If you are reading this it means I have read the first couple of chapters of your book and think it is worthy of my support. My training is in the visual arts so I can't really help with the 'nuts & bolts' but if you would like to know what I really liked about your work, just send me a message and as soon as I can I will get back to you.
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of my work) for a further read of your book.

gerry01 wrote 708 days ago

Hi, This is quite unusual. I first thought of the movie with the animals that came from the board game. I can't remember the name of the film. Your writing is good and the story flows. It isn't really my thing, but I'm sure others will love it. All the Best with it, Gerry

SRFire wrote 710 days ago

I loved this story and thought it was well-written. For some reason though, when I got to facsimile it stumped me for a bit. I thought they were paper thin small humans. Perhaps its just me. Anyway, backed with pleasure, Sana x

lizjrnm wrote 711 days ago

What a clever idea for a story - it's almost believable! The writing is excellent and very polished. This should be doing better than it is! I am certainly backing it and I am thoroughly enjoying reading it! Thanks.

Whole different genre but check out The Cheech Room. I tink if you have a good imagination as you obviously do, you will enjoy the romp! Thanks.

scottkenny wrote 711 days ago

Quite a different idea for sci-fi Barabara. Intriguing. The chapters presented here are quite chilling, since we are familiar with eight year old boys 'playing with' insects. I would like an idea of the story itself - the pitch gives more an overview of the setting rather than what the book is about. I'm also wondering about the part in chapter six when Jack says 'he said my name', although thye name said was Ke-vin. There's a lot of good ideas written well though, so shelved.
Best wishes,
Scott.

David Fearnhead wrote 711 days ago

This is a great read, clever, quick witted and impossible to find a nit pick with. Some writers make it very easy to leave comment cause there are glaring errors in there work, but this seems like you've already edited the crap out of it and polished it up to a healthy shine. I'm not one for fantasy so I won't churp in with any ideas. What i looked for and found was believable writing. It's alright calling a book fantasy but you still have to allow the reader to believe the unbelievable and you manage this.
David
Bailey of the Saints

William Holt wrote 713 days ago

I agree with those who say the book is better than the long pitch reveals. Shelved.

Best wishes for this,
Bill

LittleDevil wrote 714 days ago

This is 100% filmic! What a brilliant original idea!
Gobsmacked. That's about all I have to say. Should go to the top, this one.
Best wishes
Sue
A Boy Called George (please take a look if you have the time)

AlanMarling wrote 714 days ago

Dear Barbara Richmond-O'Neill,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have a fascinating premise here, where Jack realizes his toy dolls are actually alive, and now he has the opportunity to play god and potentially abuse his power or not. This concept has questions of ethics and nuances of tension, which, in my fallible opinion, you could portray better in your pitches. In your short pitch, the last “they” is ambiguous, and the “dolls” would serve better. The first paragraph of the long pitch riveted me, but don’t stop there. It’s alright to reveal anything up to the third act in the pitch, and it’d perfectly acceptable for you to mention if actual people had been shrunken down to make expensive toys (or whatever shocking mechanism brought them into being). Currently, I'm not sure who is the protagonist, the boy or the tiny people, and the pitch should center either on him or them. Then you could describe some of the tension inherent in the situation and the complications of the giants fitting into their new role as gods. Then end the pitch on a cliffhanger, of course, which I suspect will be the toys plotting to kill the giant boy.

You have an exciting story here, and I can’t wait to see it when it leads with an equally stunning pitch. Bravo! Backed.

Best wishes,
Alan Marling

udasmaan wrote 714 days ago

What a fantastic story and what a wonderful book, it can make. i love such novel ideas, just touching my heart. they are alife. checked their chests all nine of them were alife. the dad is responsible for sending those gift for his child. Wonderful. backed

shah

Pia wrote 715 days ago

Barbara,

The Giant Killer - 2150 - resources on earth are scarce. Jack's father is space-travelling, while Jack is marooned at home with a step-mother he hates. The smuggled-in birthday present from Jack's father arrives. They are a group of tiny, but psychologically highly evolved people from another planet, kept like pets in a cage. Because his step-mother begins to care for them and develop rapport, Jack's resentment and powerlessness increase. He gets pleasure from exercising control over the little people in a manner that makes the reader crinch. The tension is palpable. A fascinating story, and if there's no change of heart in Jack, there may be dire consequences. Stunning story.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

M. A. McRae. wrote 732 days ago

I love it. Please hurry and finish it.

Jesse Hargreave wrote 736 days ago

Backed.

Jesse - Savant

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=14062

Esrevinu wrote 738 days ago

Loved the cover art

The writing is fluid

You do a great job with the descriptions

It is touching and you get the point across nonetheless

Your type of manuscript is what publishers and agents seek

I wish you all the best

Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Barbara O'Neill wrote 765 days ago

This is well written and what a great premise for a sci fi book, tiny miniature beings ilegally taken from another planet and given to a human child as pets. Backed with pleasure.
BADD


Thank you so much. A generous act, much appreciated.

hot lips wrote 765 days ago

This is well written and what a great premise for a sci fi book, tiny miniature beings ilegally taken from another planet and given to a human child as pets. Backed with pleasure.
BADD

Sandie Newman wrote 765 days ago

I love the cover and title, this is an incredible idea from an amazing imagination. The opening is brilliant I especially liked the snapped back to the box the mother did in the second line, brilliant. Brilliant, brilliant idea, backed already.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

paxie wrote 766 days ago

Barbara
I wondered for a while at the relationship between Elizabeth and Jack....It is not clear for a beat of quite a few paragraphs that she's his step mother.......I wondered why not introduce her immediately....

Elizabeth, Jacks stepmothers attention snapped..........

Elizabeth says
'After we speak to Stephen' she would say......'After we speak to your father' implies more authority, also you very rarely refer to a parent by a christian name when speaking to such a young child....

Jack did not appear overly excited to me.....I have a 14 year old he'd have been at the point of self combusting with such a gift....

Smothered them......typo.....smother them......

This is a bit of a challenge....I admit I dont have the imagination to be able to write this myself....An intriguing premise, and a sure winner among the YA market......

Shelved with best wishes for 2010......

Rosali Webb wrote 766 days ago

Barbara
Loved the blog, the title and cover. It was a surprise to find the relationship between Elizabeth and Jack is such a tense one. His eight year old boisterousness seemingly to drive her to distraction! Like the idea of the little people, I was with Stephen on that one, and wanted to find out what they were. The Lhaitiri seem to have a darker edge, which we may see once the effects of the knock out drugs disperse. Altogether a cracking read. YA are going to love this often thought-provoking piece. Backed
Rosali
Fieldtrip to Mars

Jared wrote 767 days ago

That's a wonderful cover and the short pitch in particular is excellent.
I was slightly disconcerted by the "Enter a title for this Chapter" headings, but the story is fascinating. I note you've tagged it as Thriller / Fantasy / YA, but there's a great deal of SF in here and, even though the young characters, Jack and Elizabeth are central to the action, they form only a part of the story and it is with the Lhaitiri that the fascination of the ongoing plot lies. The book poses questions about relationships, and you deal with this aspect very well, but also delves into an examination of the nature of humanity and how it is perceived by outsiders. This is impressive writing and, having read all your chapters, I'm intrigued and want to know where this is going.
Very accomplished writing, a distinctly thought-provoking premise and a distinct sense of unease, I like this a lot.
Backed.
Jared.

B. J. Winters wrote 767 days ago

I wasn't convinced on your opening line - is age the most important thing that I need to know about this character. The way it's wedged in is a bit clunky -- I'd actually rephrase to "Eight year old Jack..." But you might also consider describing the scene or more about the physical characteristics of the character at the start.

I read on. I like how the plot started to unfold. The last line of the first chapter "but first" seemed to sort of hang there. You might consider something a bit more definitive - I expected something more. On to chapter 2 what I enjoyed most was the scenario with the water, the spoon and the glass -- there was just something about how simple that was and yet I'm sure it was telling from a character standpoint. Nice work.

Ben Brown wrote 769 days ago

good story! i enjoyed what i read, which was the first three chapters. i am pleased to back this

Beval wrote 770 days ago

Trust Jane to steer me to a real find.
Backed with the greatest pleasure.

Kim Jewell wrote 770 days ago

Hi Barbara!

First of all, what a book cover!!! Amazing. Did you do it yourself? I do love it, as well as your pitch. Nice hook at the end of a really great premise. I would buy this from the pitch alone. Great job!

Inside the book - you plunge right in with the mysterious package. I always think that the YA audience needs action right out of the gate (not that people don't argue with me about that!!!)

Couple of nits:
-Paragraph 6 - RICOD". - the period should go inside the end quote
-Paragraph 6 - creatures needs an apostrophe to make it possessive (creatures')
-Paragraph 7 - "After we speak to Stephen..." Should that be "After we speak to your dad..." ? I got confused as to whether or not Stephen was his dad when I first read that.
-The paragraph that starts with "Who in the hell would suspect Roger?" (sorry, I've lost my count!) One of the sentences has two periods.
-Towards the end of chapter one - "bed-time" - I don't believe needs a hyphen (at least that's what dictionary.com is telling me - may be a style/cultural difference!)

Okay, I know that is the coolest of cool gifts for an 8-year-old, but I can also see why Elizabeth would be so alarmed... You've done a great job drawing the dynamics (or lack thereof) of the family structure well, such friction there. I'm reading on, but pausing briefly to leave these comments and back the book. Great job with this - nicely done!!!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Jane Alexander wrote 770 days ago

This came up on my newsfeed and, as I tend to like books Kim likes, I thought i'd drop over. What a fabulous surprise. I love the ethical and practical issues this raises, quite apart from the fantasy element.. You write really well and some of the imagery is sublime - I loved the prison bars image for instance.
My major concern is that, if this is YA, then you have an adult POV with Elizabeth. That might be an issue, as convention tends to have a teen POV in YA.
A few tiny nits made me stumble... 'creatures' return' needs an apostrophe.
'blazed' seems a tad cliched and your writing isn't....
Actually, that was it.....
Really fabulous premise with masses going for it...it's unusual, well-thought out and nicely executed.
I'm very happy to back you.
Jane
WALKER

Sandy Grubb wrote 783 days ago

Barbara, this is a wonderful story. I love reading about these two worlds and two peoples and how they observe one another. I've read much more than my normal sampling, and I'll be coming back to read more. I'm happy to back this. Good work!
Sandy
Orphan and a Half

Pilar wrote 806 days ago

Hola barbara, te he encontrado , ahora te toca a ti traducir, Me encanta tener una amiga escritora

Binky Myers wrote 813 days ago

Hi Barbara,
Fascinating ideas in The Giant Killers..I think this would appeal to your target readers and beyond!
Good clean writing and plenty of action. Backed with my pleasure.
Dawn : ARK

T.L Tyson wrote 818 days ago

You don't waste anytime diving into this. What a intriguing idea you have here.
Sometimes I wonder where people come up with this stuff, in a good way of course.
Your writing is descriptive, yet not overly so, you have captured your charcaters well. they are believeable, and interesting.
What I liked most is Jack, his youthfulness and trusting nature really shine through. What I would do if I noticed my minature human toys were breathing, I do not know.

Backed.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor.

mikegilli wrote 820 days ago

SORRY...This site's working like a snail with a
broken leg,,, Your comment will come later...nice book

CamilleS wrote 821 days ago

I was only able to read the first chapter and I know I want to read more to find out about the little people when they wake up. I must say I'm worried about Jack. But then I wonder if I should be worried for Jack. This has potential to be a fun read for children (and big children!). Backing with pleasure! It deserves to move up.

Camille
Curse of the Golden Fly
The Hobble Knobble Gobble Tree

Helena wrote 861 days ago

Hi Barbara, this is a really quirky story, you have imagined and described quite a scary future, you have also painted it so well that I believe it could exist. The little people is a fascinating plot line and Elizabeths dislike of te whole idea adds a good dimension to the piece. I think this is setting up to be a great story so I am putting it on my shelf.
Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

soutexmex wrote 865 days ago

Read your first chapter; thought this was a bit lengthy for a intro chapter. You wanna draw in your reader. Keep it short.

Brilliant short pitch; make the long pitch match it.

Glad to BACK it for original content. Do look forward to your comments on my book. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Paolito wrote 933 days ago

The Giant Killers...

I ADORE this story (I've never used capital letters before in my comments). And, overall, this is fine writing, but I'm going to suggest a book to you, not because I think your writing is terrible--quite the opposite. I think you're really talented and I would love for this novel to be published. There's so little that you have to do to make this book and the writing shine. The recommended book is Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King. If you give me your e-mail address, I'll send you a copy of my book on the writing craft when it's published, but that won't be until Christmas.

You are a wonderful storyteller. I really hope you make it to the Editor's Desk because I believe in this book.

Shelved enthusiastically.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

Paolito wrote 933 days ago

The Giant Killers...

I agree with the comments about your pitch; i.e., you need to simplify it. The supposed formula is as follows:
Who is your protagonist? What does s/he want? What obstacles does s/he encounter? And a hint about resolution. Please don't use my pitch as an example, because I'm pitch-challenged.

That said, I adore this story. When you're finished with these little people, I want some, too (unless they turn into monsters, of course.) You know how to create and build conflict, and your writing is very fine.

Which leads me to a nit, which is really more than a nit, and that is the Ing Sentence. When a sentence begins with a gerund, it's usually fine (e.g., writing is magical), but when the ing word is a participle, you can fall into two traps. The first trap (e.g., moving across the kitchen she sat at the bare wooden table) is that you turn what are sequential actions into concurrent ones, i.e., how can she move across the kitchen and sit in the chair at the same time? The second trap (which you haven't fallen into) is that the participle-clause doesn't agree with the subject of the main clause. I'm pleased to share this newest acquisition in my warehouse of writing craft tips with someone like you because I love your writing. Also, take a look at novels by award-winning writers (e.g., Pulitzer Prize or Orange Prize nominees) and you will rarely, if ever, see an Ing Sentence...probably because even if correct they're not particularly elegant.

Reading on...

monodreme wrote 935 days ago

Hi Barbara

Very tightly written first chapter. Good characterisation. None of them are exactly likeable yet but they don't necessarily have to be. You tend to the plot with great economy and I'm drawn to find out what happens next. Wondering if there will be shades of Doris Lessing's The Fifth Child.

I do agree with Sheilab's 2 points below.

But all in all a bright sheen of professionalism shines over your writing.

Ian

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