Jaded

- Jaded -

(Based on the prologue and chapters 1-3)

From the off, this reads as a well crafted, literary underdog story. Jade is a character the reader immediately sympathises with and roots for. She has talent but is held back by her own lack of self confidence and an alcoholic, selfish mother and not helped by a distant father. The best scene illustrating this occurs in chapter three, where Jade's mother is absolutely infuriating and, as the reader, we want her to escape as soon as possible.

The characterisation is very clever, Jade's confidence issues and artistic values being set up well in an interaction with a potential buyer for one of her paintings. Her mother is also well crafted, detached at first but suddenly vivid in her interaction with Jade.

There were some occasions when I felt there was a bit of superfluous re'telling' of what had already been shown. The last few paragraphs of the prologue, for example, seem to repeat what has already been established, telling us directly what we have already deduced. Another example would be where Jade's best friend immediately endears himself to us by lifting her spirits and then we hear, 'that was what made him so loveable....' Again, this had already been established.

One small note in terms of punctuation: when a sentence continues after dialogue, the closing speechmark should be preceded by a comma rather than a full stop. So,...."I'm so glad you're here." Jade grinned....should be...."I'm so glad you're here," Jade grinned.

These small issues aside, Jaded is a well crafted, literary character study with an endearing main character. Very good indeed.

All the best with it,

Ross

I've backed your book because after reading just the first chapter, I love your style of writing and the voice that comes from it. I plan to continue reading, but so far I don't have anything to say as far as critiques.

thank you so much, i really appreciate it - i will return the favour asap x

I've backed your book because after reading just the first chapter, I love your style of writing and the voice that comes from it. I plan to continue reading, but so far I don't have anything to say as far as critiques.

Hi Katrina, I like this alot. I like your style of writing, it's quite poetic yet simple. Hope that makes sense! Have added you to my shelf for awhile because I think you deserve it. :-)

So far I've read the first chapter and it's very poetic. You have a natural way of creating art with your words. Well done.

I only read the first chapter when I shelved this a while ago. But I'm back to read the whole book. I've read the first three chapters and look forward to reading it all. Pursuing your dreams despite your history and your environment is a very uplifting theme to tackle. "Finding Forrester" comes to mind. I'm with Jade!

Quenntis
Tales Tell Tales
Dancing with mini-shorts

Hi Katrina,

This is a poignant story that has so much heart and soul.

‘I’m working(,)’ she replied…

I like the little quotes at the start of each chapter.

Chap 2.

‘I’ll give you five pounds for it.’ he smirked… he should be He.

Great characterisation and believable dialogue. I sympathised with Jade from the start and think she’s a likable character.

This is very well written. Some punctuation error but a good edit will fix that. This has been an enjoyable read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Nice, I really feel for Jade, your descriptions and wording are done really nicely, just like a painting you give us a picture of what Jade's life is like. This is really nice, good luck with this.

Oni

Hi Katrina!

Right from the beginning, I can feel the emotion with which you write. My heart is instantly heavy for Jade, as I'm sure you intended. You are a very powerful writer, not many can pull off this type of emotion. (I wonder how much of you is poured into this piece...)

As a side note, I just added a fifth character into my series - her name is Jade. I love the name, and I think it lends itself well to a character with many different facets to their personality! I like how YOU tie in her name with the title of the book - well done!

I know this will do very well for you, and wish you the very best of luck! I'm shelving this, and will be back to enjoy more!

Kim
Invisible Justice

Okay, I've finished your partial. By the end of your partial, I felt there was a little too much telling (via Jade's interior monologue) rather than showing. I'd like to see more interaction between Jade and her mother to SHOW more of what you reveal through interior monologue.

One mistake..."more than Jade could have borne" rather than "more than Jade could have bared."

You have talent. Please never forget that. Believe in yourself and believe in this novel...it will be a good one.

Some books that helped me a lot: Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King, and Scene and Structure by Jack W. Bickham.

Best,
Sheryl (if you have time, take a look at In All The Wrong Places...quite different than your novel...but there are some common themes)
B

I still believe in you as a writer. Great potential.

Avoid The Starting Syndrome (begin, start)...rarely necessary and stronger if you omit it. Do a global search on your ms. and find them all...you'll see the difference, I guarantee it.

Italics for emphasis are also unnecessary...read the passage aloud, placing the emphasis on different words in the phrase. If the meaning changes, and if the change in emphasis creates a meaning you don't want, then change the wording. Most often, it won't matter where the reader places the emphasis.

Cheers,
Sheryl

comments on c.1 -- an obviously talented writer..loved your metaphors. Consider removing most of your adverbs (they prop up weak verbs or generally don't add much if anything, plus agents and editors dislike them), maybe reduce the number of times you repeat Jade's name (can distance the reader), and take a look at your speech tags (don't be afraid of the invisible 'said.')

The last line in this chapter...she wished everything were that simple...isn't quite clear enough (as simple as her work?) and it might be better to show, rather than tell.

On to your next chapter...

Cheers,
Sheryl

Hello Katrina,
Well done and I mean it in an admiring way. Interesting isn't it that so many creative people struggle with things like depression and produce some sort of brilliant art work be it painting, writing, performing etc. So your Jade makes absolute sense. A very good piece of writing (I'm not going to say for your age!!) I think young readers will very much enjoy this. I did although I'm not actually young anymore! Good luck with it, on my shelf. Best wishes, Margaret (Candles in the Garden)

Katrina,
This is a great story with interesting characters. Jaded Jade is a unique main character. Zach is a good friend. Mum is a fine foil to Kate.
My only concerns:
In chapter one you say: On capsules of substances her daughter would rather no nothing about. Should be know nothing about.
Also, you tell us that Jade and her mom are barely ekking out a living to live in the cottage, but if Jade can sell only one more painting she can go on her trip. That sounds a bit odd. Also, it would seem that her dad would be supporting them and sending them money.
Other than that, I really like your story. On my shelf.
Jeff

Hello Katrina,

This a very well-written novel for a young lady-- and you put many of us older folks to shame, as well! Nicely done. I did notice a few places where there was missing punctuation, but we're all in the same boat. I'm sure if you have a fresh pair of eyes go over this for you, they will be easily corrected. I am truly wishing you the best, and look forward to hearing all about the amazing author, Katrina Northern, in the future.

Keep up the good work.

Yours,
Karen

Hi Katrina. Simon Corbin (of Little Bastard) here. Just wanted to give you a bit of feedback as you've been on my shelf for a while now and I finally had a chance to read your work in some detail. The first thing I want to say (at the risk of being seen as somewhat patronising and simply echoing a bunch of other comments below) is: you write incredibly well for your age. I teach the 16-19 year old age group as my day job so the maturity of your writing really stands out. You can also structure a narrative well and develop your characters convincingly. So, well done you. I'm impressed. The only note of caution I will add is that (as my literary agent has repeatedly told me) any story with a teenage protagonist is a notoriously hard sell. (Given that two of my four novels have teenage protagonists it's a concern to me too!) I think in your case you can circumvent this by aiming your work straight at the Young Adult fiction market. (I presume that's what you're doing?). And finally -- I did spot a 'typo' in Chapter One (you have 'no' instead of 'know'). Sorry, it's the teacher in me! ATB. Simon.

Katrina,
I really liked this. I thought your writing was excellent. I would, quite simply, buy this book. Would your target audeience be YA? I can imagine my 17/ 18 year old students relating so well to this. I also enjoyed it immensely.
Best of luck. Shelved.
Rona

Hi Katrina,
I very much enjoyed your book. There is such a quality to your writing, you have captured your MC really well and your descriptions are vivid. I don't really have anything to add to what's been said already and I wish you success, I feel you will do well on here and in the future, good luck. Shelved with pleasure.
Annabelle
(Would love your thoughts on Adelaide Short if you can ;-))

beautifully written, on watchlist.

Given the age Katrina states, this is a remarkable achievement, and apart from its intrinsic value shows we have an author(ess) with a great future.
Osiander has given the views of a professional editor and I will not add much. I agree completely one wishes to have a protagonist with whom one can identify, and that should be a person who looks forward to a better future, not back to a dim past -- whiners aren't good protagonists, and although Jade is not a whiner, any possibility of that interpretation must be removed.
One of the successful authors here remarked that her agent said "happiness pieces" are selling. "Misery memoirs" are out of fashion -- so concentrate on the happiness that's possible with recovery.
I hope you have a competent writing coach.
Don't rely too heavily on spell checkers.
best wishes for this book and your career. Backed.
mch

Hi Katrina

I have just read your book.
What a beautifully crafted piece of work.

You have a great talent and it is evident that you have been writing for a number of years.

I love the way in which you can capture Jade's love of painting through the words 'All of these things were her oxygen...the strokes of her paintbrush replaced her heartbeat'....This gives the reader the opportunity to understand not only Jade's love of painting, but also her need.

Also love the interplay between Zach and Jade.

Only i will comment on from what i have seen is when you say 'It was just a really bad house'....i'm not entirely sure what you mean by this...bad memories...bad from the cold and dark...if it is the latter i would try and use a different description, such as in the sense of poorly constructed....or 'a 24/7 365 day a year refrigerator'...or whatever you think...depends on how you feel it sits with you.

Anyway, a brilliant piece of writing and i have placed it on my shelve as it deserves it.

Good Luck

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

Interesting themes. Promising talent, just 16 yrs old? Definitely backing 'Jaded'!

Impressive emotional depth in what I've seen so far. I'll be back for more.

Hi Katrina. Outstanding atmosphere through setting. Fantastic emotions revealed between mother and daughter and by dauther's suppressed anxieties. Beautiful portrayal of a genius painter. Intense motivation to thrust forward. I placed your excerpt on my shelf and send my best regards. Janet Marie

Wow! Such mature writing skills for one so young. You are frightening ! I've w/l your book until I have time to give it the time it deserves. Great title by the way.

Excellent blurb. Lines like 'clasped hands and worked in unison' are lyrical and say everything. A girl with depression adn an alcholic mother are powerful subjects.

In parts Ch 1 reads to much like a summary. I think it would be better to start with Jade painting and her mother coming and finding her, which would show the reader about Jade's life rather than telling the reader.

I'm putting this on my Watch List. Good luck.

Joanna