Sandman (was 'Brief Respite')

Hi Ian,

I'm just starting this but already know it's worth backing. What a gripping opening! Your writing is very polished and publishable, at least in my opinion. Will read on. Backing now.

Heidi
Turning Red

The story of an obsessional, and more. You've managed to produce something really scary here: I mean, not just the stalker but the tenor of the narrative of the whole. How much do we we really ever know anyone else? Is everyone always basically alone? This novel put me very much in mind of Ian McEwan's Enduring Love, which is also about a stalker. Yours shifts POVs more than his, and this produces a different kind of novel, one in which the whole human condition comes under the micrscope and not just one, aberrant, side of it. Definitely worth shelving.

I've read the first two chapters, Ian. This is a chilling portrayal of a stalker (and worse), and an illustration of how fragile tranquillity can be. Stevie, the socially awkward loner, with his smouldering resentment to all around him, feels all too realistic. There's a sense of disaster looming over Paul's apparently picture-perfect family. I like the pace very much, as it allows me to get to know these people and begin to care about them *before* disaster strikes.

I noticed a couple of typos: "a very a mild irritant" and "as the he". And a small nitpick: in Chapter 1 you have two uses of "really" very close together. In those opening paragraphs you could perhaps consider reducing words like "really" and "actually"; your writing is more than strong enough without them.

Nicely done, and on my shelf.

Dear Ian, I got so excited when I read that you got published. :) Congrats!!! :) Wondering if you had to pay money? In your story, I love Shep :) - amazing dog. :) Your pitch made me feel sorry for Paul :) - was hoping it would all come out okay in the end. :) What an end. :) Shep is something else! :) I've backed your book :) - cold you please take a moment to back my memoir book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

Dear Ian

I have not read it all but will carry on. I loved your short pitch it grabbed me and your long pitch truly enticed me to read on. Original storyline so far and very well crafted. I am not an expert in grammar nor punctuation etc, but I love the flow and I am really getting a true appreciation of Science fiction. this is especially with regard to writers such as yourself. I am aspiring to write, you have honed a natural talent CONGRATS

Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is

important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK

also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
Denise
The Letter

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 6 hours later :)

Really good prologue and nicely into the book with an easy to read, flowing style. Tania, This Last Summer

Hi Ian,

I'm just starting this but already know it's worth backing. What a gripping opening! Your writing is very polished and publishable, at least in my opinion. Will read on. Backing now.

Heidi
Turning Red

Ian,
Well done. I like how you alternate back and forth with the stranger on the beach, Paul and Sasha, and Carol.
The Carol piece doesn't seem to tie in as well yet, but for some reason that's not bothering me much. Sasha is so cool calm and collected. Perhaps it is intentional that you avoid it, but it might be interesting to hear her thoughts.
Anyway, suspensefully done. I like this. On my shelf.
Jeff

Hi Ian! Liked this. You certainly have the creepy elements for this genre in place. i especially like how you show rather than tell the reader. I started understanding Paul as a character right from the beginning--his jealousy, his level of anger--over a seat. I like how this work is character-driven and not plot-driven. Well done! My only quibble in this fast-moving read is the first line, believe it or not. I understand that "next point of cover" is a military term, but I had to stop and figure it out. Perhaps not something a reader should do the first line. Besides that, this was a good read. I'd love to know what happens. Good luck with this and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Hello Ian, some thoughts on chapter one. Sense of evil throughout, of things encroaching upon a family unit. There's the real threat of the creep on the sand dunes, but also the perceived one with Paul's jealousy over the guy on the flight. I feel sympathy for Paul - jealousy is an ugly emotion; there's no doubt he embarrasses himself, but as a guy I can understand the man's responses to what happens on the plane if not condone them. He clearly knows there's more going on under the surface with his wife than meets the eye, as you say in your pitch.

And what a dreadful experience for the actress; we are introduced to her attack up front, but what really drew me in was this almost unnerving sense of impending disaster over the family. The part where Paul is told, "You didn't see a tickle coming" has a terrible irony to it, for me. It's gripping stuff, good pace, excellent scene-setting. Glad to shelve

P

Hi Ian
Well I really loved this. You write so well. For me, there's no need for your justification at the beginning , although I can understand why you've written it. You've obviously had crits advising you to jump straight into the action? I think you do a great job of 'slow burn' tension here. The threat and the sense that something bad is about to happen is really clear to me.
This is on my shelf and I hope to read more when I get a chance
Sheila

Hi Ian, clean prose, great pace, great intrigue. no wasted words. i have no prob at all with getting to know P first and seeing the "happy side," esp as you intersperse his narrative with the others. on my shelf!
a few small thoughts:
i understand you wanting to keep the antagonist anonymous for the first section of his narrative, but after being in his head, i wanted to be "introduced" to him the 2nd time. also, i was wondering - you have me hooked, so that's great - but who is the lad with rolled-up jeans? is he the antagonist? i don't want to know everything, or indeed much more, but perhaps, just as you name carol, you can name him. ian, i realize this is a case of style and genre. pls excuse my prodding and my plodding thought-train. i don't read many thrillers so my take about the amorphous "he" may be way off-base.
tiny thought about wording. sent 2: "fierce flurries of sand occasionally stung ..." - great imagery but seems a bit contradictory. i don't see fierce flurries as being occasional.
all in all, a fine read!
best, andy

I've read the first two chapters, Ian. This is a chilling portrayal of a stalker (and worse), and an illustration of how fragile tranquillity can be. Stevie, the socially awkward loner, with his smouldering resentment to all around him, feels all too realistic. There's a sense of disaster looming over Paul's apparently picture-perfect family. I like the pace very much, as it allows me to get to know these people and begin to care about them *before* disaster strikes.

I noticed a couple of typos: "a very a mild irritant" and "as the he". And a small nitpick: in Chapter 1 you have two uses of "really" very close together. In those opening paragraphs you could perhaps consider reducing words like "really" and "actually"; your writing is more than strong enough without them.

Nicely done, and on my shelf.

Dear Ian
I not only read Chapter 1 but also every one of the comments posted. I agree with every one. You've written the beginning of a great story and I will get back to read Chapter 2 as soon as I can. (I made myself a promise to read Chapter 1 of as mny book as I can but life has other priorities which must be met.) As someone suggested, continue writing the entire book. Sometimes the end helps with the beginning. More conversation, definitely less telling even though the "telling" kept my attention most of the time through to the end.
I hate to be a "read mine and you'll see how it's done" kind of commentor but I would like you to give Prides Crossing a go because a good writer's opinion is important to me. Also, every bit helps the struggle to advance to a higher rank. : -))
Keep going, lad. I'm sure you'll come out on top. Edie

I commented on this two days ago.

Dear Ian
I not only read Chapter 1 but also every one of the comments posted. I agree with every one. You've written the beginning of a great story and I will get back to read Chapter 2 as soon as I can. (I made myself a promise to read Chapter 1 of as mny book as I can but life has other priorities which must be met.) As someone suggested, continue writing the entire book. Sometimes the end helps with the beginning. More conversation, definitely less telling even though the "telling" kept my attention most of the time through to the end.
I hate to be a "read mine and you'll see how it's done" kind of commentor but I would like you to give Prides Crossing a go because a good writer's opinion is important to me. Also, every bit helps the struggle to advance to a higher rank. : -))
Keep going, lad. I'm sure you'll come out on top. Edie

I love your cover. good luck with this piece

I think you requested at least three chpts on the forums….
Good descriptions although you seem a little overly wordy. I am guilty of this myself. Need to shave down the prose…
I liked the three different ways you emphasized the sentence “I can’t believe I killed him…”
You do very wel pulling the reader along into the world you write. Realistic and intense.

I like how you flip from the ‘stalker’ to the family. Him watching and thinking about the grass skirt… strange to think people really do these things.

Anyway… I think this is good. Creepy. Makes me glad I don’t own a beach house.
the pov shifts remind me of a book on here called "Stephanie" have you read that?
Shelved.

Gina

Ian, this is very nicely written. I don't have much to criticise: early in ch 1, a possible typo... tonight needed -> tonight he needed. The 'butt out' passage, you criticise the Americanism, but then you drop in a couple more 'movies' and 'figured'. And un-phased I think should be unfazed. Great writing though, so a twirl on my shelf is in order.

Hi
I read some of the comments about your book and I have to agree. I couldn't stop reading, although the first chapter and the opening of Chapter 2 were a bit slow and didn't pull me right in. I'm glad I kept at it because as I said, after that I couldn't stop. I'm going to back this book and will come back to it as soon as I can.
Would you have time to read my story, Prides Crossing. I know the "writing" part of the adventure is the most compelling but I really would like to know what you think. Keep at at. Your end result is well worth the effort. Edie

After your plea on the forum, I read your note and chapter 1. I won't make any detailed comments (don't really need to - the writing is good), and I stress that this is only the opinion of one reader.
I liked the mysterious hiding man.
I understand the need for you to introduce the main characters. But while I understand it, I don't think this chapter works. Not for me in any case.
As soon as you start talking about the holiday in flashback mode, my mind goes into shutdown. If this scene is important, tell it in real-time. The way it's told here, it's -well- told. It's a summary. Let us get to know the characters, but make sure that while you do so, you keep a forward movement in the story. You have all the right ingredients. You just need to keep the tension up.

Patty, after due consideration, I know you are absolutely spot-on with your comment and I have immediately responded by rewriting the flashback in real time - which also gave me the opportunity to slice in a bit more action from scary Stevie. This greatly improves the opening, for which I am most grateful. Thank you so much. I will take a look at your work in return.
Kind regards, Ian

Ian,

After your plea on the forum, I read your note and chapter 1. I won't make any detailed comments (don't really need to - the writing is good), and I stress that this is only the opinion of one reader.
I liked the mysterious hiding man.
I understand the need for you to introduce the main characters. But while I understand it, I don't think this chapter works. Not for me in any case.
As soon as you start talking about the holiday in flashback mode, my mind goes into shutdown. If this scene is important, tell it in real-time. The way it's told here, it's -well- told. It's a summary. Let us get to know the characters, but make sure that while you do so, you keep a forward movement in the story. You have all the right ingredients. You just need to keep the tension up.

For me chapter one is too bitty and too wordy for its genre. many characters are introduced and you write really well but, as i think you already know, you have to make a splash with your opening. this and your pitch are your one chance to reel the reader in.

instead you have that paragraph effectively explaining why you're not opening with the action, you could just open with the action instead and go back to the pre-murder happy marriage. it might work better.

there is potential here. a great work in progress.
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Thanks for your view, but starting with a bang in this case merely forewarns the reader WHO is killed, which I don't want to happen. I want the reader to care for the family BEFORE their lives are shattered. Instead I prefer to start with 'impending doom'! This novel is more about emotions and character interactions than the murder itself. Although 'who-dun-it' is not clear until the end, the book is not a conventional 'who-dun-it' and I will not feel constrained by genre norms that force me to start with a murder. I already tried it in Chpater 1 and as a Preface but did not like it, I'm afraid.
Your other comments about the pitch are very valid, and much appreciated, and I have reacted to those accordingly. Many thanks.

For me chapter one is too bitty and too wordy for its genre. many characters are introduced and you write really well but, as i think you already know, you have to make a splash with your opening. this and your pitch are your one chance to reel the reader in.

instead you have that paragraph effectively explaining why you're not opening with the action, you could just open with the action instead and go back to the pre-murder happy marriage. it might work better.

there is potential here. a great work in progress.
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

'for they both believe' - is this conjunction appropriate? maybe you should just have a full stop and start a new sentence with 'They both believe..."

typo : "lead to the police to suspect..." when there are typos in the pitch it is a certainty that the novel has not been properly edited. an agent would look no further.

the last sentence of your pitch : 'This ... thriller contrasts..... in a horrifiic situation' is hard to understand.

The story of an obsessional, and more. You've managed to produce something really scary here: I mean, not just the stalker but the tenor of the narrative of the whole. How much do we we really ever know anyone else? Is everyone always basically alone? This novel put me very much in mind of Ian McEwan's Enduring Love, which is also about a stalker. Yours shifts POVs more than his, and this produces a different kind of novel, one in which the whole human condition comes under the micrscope and not just one, aberrant, side of it. Definitely worth shelving.

I read quite a lot of page one, but couldn't finish it all. I liked the way you shifted POV. You did it very well and I think it works here. I'm not a strict one for following rules. I think that breaking rules is what makes a story special. Great writing will surpass any rules broken or kept. It's good to be able to see the family from the inside out and from the outside in as well.

I've had this on my shelf for a while now, as you know, and I'm glad I've finally been able to read some of it. I think that it's better than published books I've read.

best
anne

Hi Ian,
I have read all that you have posted up so far, and I can certainly see great potential here - the story is intriguing and promises more twists and turns - but I'm going to stick my neck out and say that in my opinion it would benefit greatly from being infused with much more dialogue. Even scene-setting can be set in dialogue. I find that a good balance of narrative and dialogue (to me a third narrative seems sufficient) makes a story flow better and keeps the reader hooked. Some great moments in this, that need to be told, obviously - and I cab see this turning into a best seller with a bit of work, so I'm going to put it up on my shelf.
Good luck!

Marit

Hte dialog struck me as a bit formal, but consistant.
Is the first paragraph different deliberately?
I think your peeping tom is creepy and the murder well done.

Dear Ian, In your note for authonomy, you say you want the reader to get to know Paul, his wife, and his daughter before Sasha’s murder. Chapter 1 certainly accomplishes that very well, and it also vividly evokes Paul’s nearly paradisial life while introducing the forces that will soon subvert it: Glen, the masked man, the young fantasist, who I assume is Stevie.

The writing is precise, detailed, evenly paced, but I feel that rendering Paul’s wife and daughter from Paul’s point of view almost entirely—there’s little dialogue—tends to smother them. For me, Sasha is even less accessible than Leah, even though Paul dwells more of her; maybe that’s because of his fixation on his wife’s appearance almost exclusively and his obsessive jealousy over the attention she draws. (You’ve made her out to be somewhat of an exhibitionist: was that intentional?)

I find the other two narratives woven into Chapter 1 more effective, at least technically, because they’re more direct—free of explanation and reflection. Maybe you should revise the primary narrative with a view to allowing Sasha and Leah some independence from Paul’s perception of them.

Your story is engrossing and very well thought out, and your descriptions of the setting are quite loving: it’s a key component, almost another character. You mention the emotional contrasts between Paul and Stevie, but I was struck immediately by such contrasts in Paul himself: he seems labile, particularly when it comes to Sasha. He’s an excellent protagonist for a “gripping psychological thriller.” On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

I like the Pliny quote.

My feeling about the first chapter is that it’s well written, with a nice sense of place, but a bit rambling, so I wondered when something was going to happen. I think there’s a lot you could cut or do more concisely – for instance, the contrast between Tunisia and home kept cropping up, plus Sasha’s and Leah’s physiques, and Paul’s schedule. Readers are smart, and only need telling once. And fiction has to be more interesting than life. Each scene needs a purpose, and once that is accomplished you can move to the next.

Sasha remained an enigma to me – I couldn’t get a feel for her at all, and it’s essential for the plot, I imagine. Her behaviour, as a wife and mother seemed quite odd – why does she torment her husband? Does she not like him, or is she too selfish to care? Has poor Paul been putting up with this all their married life, and has it got worse lately? What effect does it have on Leah, who would certainly notice and have an opinion?

[‘focusing intently’ – I’d have ‘intent on’ as you use ‘focused’ soon after. In fact, I’m going to suggest you check that each adverb and adjective is earning its keep. Occasionally, practically, special (word echo) sufficient, always; it’s not a huge problem here, but worth keeping an eye on. You’ve got a few word echoes reading aloud would find. I’ve never heard anyone call a mobile a moby – I looked it up on the internet and it’s not there.]

Your peeper is scary. You paint a vivid picture of him in the sand dunes. He a fantatist and that makes him every more frightening. The whole episode casts a dark shadow over the happy family scenes. The readers dreads what is coming and how their lives will be shattered.

On my watch list.

Joanna

Pierre,
Your comments are appreciated. However, Scene 1 gets right into the head of the antagonist, how he is feeling, and this is showing (through emotions) not telling. Similarly in scene 2 with the protagonist, where his jealous nature is revealed through memory that actually contains remembered dialogue (not an account where the author tells what happened). DIalogue comes along quite quickly after that, and it features a lot, and a lot of my writing uses dialogue itself to inform. Telling is a 'bare account' of happenings, so I don't think I have sinned here! Don't look too simplistically at 'telling'.
Ian

Hi Ian,
Your pitch drew me in, it's very interesting and promises a good story. You set the scene well and let us get to know the family so that we feel something for them, this is good and it makes the story a little edgy as you just know something awful is going to happen to them This, for me, has the feeling of a good thriller and I am keen to see how Stevie evolves, very creepy. I think this has bags of potential and with it's unsettling psycological element it should do well. I liked it and it's on my revolving shelf!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Dear Ian,



Just some suggestions. Both your pitch and synopsis are summaries as the editor requires, but she won’t appreciate the blurb at the bottom of the synopsis, just a straight, no-nonsense summary. HC ran a blog on this earlier this year.

I thought your synopsis would be more inviting to read if divided into line-spaced paragraphs. The extra air will look good.

Likewise, for the editor, in chapter one I would remove the notes on what you are trying to achieve. The novel itself will do that.

Reading now and thinking I would edit this tighter. All narrative so far. Wondering about that.

Are you not able to introduce a lot more character-driven story-telling right from the beginning? I don’t raise this as a criticism because the writing reads well, if a bit long.

However, editors scream at us not to tell the story but to show it. I do see a lot of opportunity to do this in your work. Last year an agent returned my manuscript and briefed for this very thing.

I can see a lot of work has gone into this. The writing is very considered.

Aha, but now the character are coming to life and driving the story. And it gets better and better.

Tee-hee. A Harley. Yes, I have one in my story too --- and a Royal Enfield.

I have been published and have experienced this more than once. My advice is to finish the entire manuscript. One then has something tangible to play around with.

And one becomes wiser. I thought the beginning was a bit slow. By the time you complete the novel, you may think so too. But with the whole draft you will have all sorts of scenes and episodes that might be perfect for an even better opening.

It’s not unusual for a later chapter or a flash-back to be used for opening the story.

And not unusual to edit portions of the writing out of the story altogether.

Go well with your work.

Brief Respite is on my bookshelf.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Man, peeping toms are so creepy. It's odd that Leah seeing him seemed more disturbing than poor 'Michelle's' attack. Maybe it is because we've already got to care about this family and it's horrible knowing that they are about to be torn apart. I love his jealousy. It's spot on and the bit on the plane and with the stall holder is a healthy respite from the horror that is to come. Then the gut wrenching suspicions from Glenn's phonecall. Bloody good stuff. One minor typo... change 'but out' to 'butt out'. I don't normally spot or bother pointing out typos but this one does interfere with the sense of the sentence and because it comes up twice I had to point it out. That said, this is really good. i could see it as an ITV thriller.

I have edited and uploaded a revised version of the first 3 chapters on 27th April 2009.
Comments on the revised version would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks for those comments on the earlier draft.
Ian Kingsley

First of all this is my kind of book and I wish there were more of it here for me to read. Chapter 1: parts of this chapter I liked a lot... the young man at the start in the dunes, Carol and the man in the balaklava, and the young man looking in on Leah. Other parts, like those of Paul musing on his relationship with Sasha, while interesting in a way, didn't attract me as much since there seemed to be too much of it.

Chapters 2 and 3: the story really picks up in both chapters specially liked bits being the altercation between Stevie and Paul and family in chapter 2, and the attack on Sasha in chapter 3.

The writing is quite good, at least according to my tastes. On an over all basis I enjoyed the read.

Thanks Chloe for your comments. I agree the first chapter is a bit long, and I will go for shorter chapter later - but the 3-chapter submission guidelines of most agents force me to make them longer in order to give them sufficient text to show the build-up to the murder.

A gradual increase in tension is accompanied by getting to know the characters who will be affected really well - before one of them is killed! I want readers to share the anguish of Paul when this happens. Switches between lazy scenes getting into the head of the strange antagonist and the turmoils of Paul, the protagonist, set the pattern to follow. I don't know what is going on with the formatting of the first paragraph. It keeps happening, although it is identical in the source document!

I am reacting to some initial comments and will upload a revised Chapter 1 before long.
Many thanks.
Ian

Debbie, you eventually discover who the unnamed guy is, but he's a strange character, and I want you to wonder a bit about him first...

Very quickie comment on opening as requested on forum....

Liked the first scene very much - tense and purposeful. Who is this guy and what is he doing? Needs a quick edit btw -spotted the occasional typo. Second scene started well, but for me you lost the suspense you'd just built up with a scene in which nothing happens except Paul lying in bed thinking. Third scene - is this the same guy from the beginning? If not we now have two unnamed men... Fourth scene - now we have Sasha - this moves better now and leaves me wondering what Paul's earlier scene actually accomplished that you couldn't do just as well here? And I'll stop there as you wanted quick comments on the opening. Does that help?

I think you've overwritten your opening. Excess adverbs, excess self-reflection. The whole "punctilious" bit doesn't work for me, because you are showing the bloke's punctiliousness (if that's a word) in his actions. Also I thought it was daytime, until you told us it was night in the second paragraph.

Same for the next section. "Even in his tender state of wakefulness, the irony of this lay heavily on his consciousness..." Too overdone.

"Magical moment... eyes locked" these are cliches. You can do better than that.

You've tagged this both literary and thriller. Nothing wrong with that. You can achieve both by tightening the prose. Leave out the excess words, pare back those unnecessary adverbs and adjectives.

To save time, here is a link to a "rant" I left on a similar book yesterday...

http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=6062

Hopefully some of that is of some use.

Regards,

TomW