The Feast- Book I

What a prolific writer you are. Well done. A mysterious, dark novel with a bevy of fascinating characters, well placed words, and good dialogue. This tale is well thought out and an engaging read. Backed. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

A spate of murders remain a mystery to the coroner and police. The crime scenes are interconnected by two young girls, one of whom hides a devstating secret. A retired manual worker mourns the death of a friend, and trys to raise the money to give him a decent burial, rather than having the remains cremated, placed in a sack, and abandoned in Leonards field.
So the shift at work ends for Nicole, but is it routine to find all the kitchen staff in Jacobs cave multilated beyond regonition, and the next day another body in a dumpster at the back of the cafe. Its certainly routine for Jodie to meet up with her boyfriend, but not to be viciously attacked by him. I'm intrigued by whats going on in this town myself so I'm putting The Feast Book 1 on my shelve.
Daniel Manning.
No Compatibility.
Chapter three: It made Nicole uneasy, and she was now sure that everything that had been going on was somehow connected,'Mr Monroe was attacked tonight' she revealed
'By what' Nicole anxiously questioned.
Should this have been Jodie who anxiously questioned.

Looks pretty good, Deanna. Competent writing, well defined characters. Interesting story, also. Worth backing. Best of luck with it.

You have certainly set an ominous tone for your book, with the disppearance of the dinner guests and the mysterious man. Setting and dialogue are excellent. You have a great story unfolding!

A few typos: "toward to him" in para 3. Also, "Jacob's cave" should be "Jacob's Cave" if it's a proper name. You may want to look at how many adverbs you're using when describing dialogue. They slow your pace.

Still, well worth backing!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Thank you

Hi Deanna
You have some great, very realistic characters here and it enables the reader to associate with them from the start. You use some great visual language as well. This folws really well and your use of language is excellent.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Hi Deanna,
I really enjoyed this once I got into the book itself. You have a clear, natural writing style that moves the story along and attaches the reader to the people in the story to the point that we can feel their fear. My one suggestion would be to rewrite the pitch in this same style--from the point of view of the people. Written from the point of view of the slayers, it is just too abstract. Good luck and backed.
Niobrara Kardnova (The Trouble with Wives)

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This is very evocative. *…except maybe the part of his mind he sometimes felt he’d lost.

(baring) the summer’s heat and the winter’s cold. The bracketed word should be ‘bearing.’
…mind he (sometimes) felt he’d lost. (Sometimes) he couldn’t remember… Repetition, suggest replacing the second ‘sometimes’ with ‘occasionally’, something like that.
First he heard it, coming from somewhere behind (of) him… I don’t think you need the bracketed word, it interrupts the flow of the sentence. Beware of small words like these, they can hold up the narrative, only use them when necessary.
…as he nervously studied the woods (behind them). Again, don’t think you need the bracketed words, the ‘behind them’ is almost the same as ‘behind of him.’
…when (her eyes) beheld the striking (dark headed) man, (keeping on him) as he moved to the counter... This is a little wordy, would suggest restruturing the sentence along the lines of: …when her gaze settled on the striking dark haired man, watching him as he moved to the counter…
He held out two one dollar (bills), tightly pinching the (bills) between his fingers… He chuckled, dropping the (bills) to the counter. Repetition. Suggest: He held out two one dollar bills, tightly pinching them between his fingers…He chuckled, dropping the money to the counter.
She tried not show her impatience as she glanced up (to) the clock, and for a moment (she’d) forgotten about her friend, Jodi, (who she was supposed to pick up in an hour)… This is a little wordy and jerky, perhaps: She tried not show her impatience as she glanced up at the clock. For a moment she forgot about her friend, Jodi. She was supposed to pick her up in an hour…
…her face (frustratedly) …(quickly) looking to the window… “No, I just thought I’d sit in the car for the rest of the night,” she (impatiently) replied. You have an awful lot of adverbs grouped close together here, they slow the flow of the narrative and dialogue and the word ‘frustratedly’ does not appear in my dictionary – you might want to check on that.
She was running so (late) she was sure they’d be (late)… Repetition.
Possible typo: At least that’s what (Jodi) thought. Do you mean Nicole?
Possible typo: “Can I use your shower?” Nicole asked, ignoring (what) her friend’s comment about the weather.
Jodi stepped back from the door as Nicole carried a bag… pacing as she waited. I assume here you mean Jodi was pacing, but it sounds as if it’s Nicole doing the pacing.
The opening chapter starts off well, as it follows the two men about their nightly ritual. We then move on and this is where the narrative and dialogue unfortunately becomes a little weak. There are a few repetitions, overuse of adverbs and some typos. This doesn’t mean that this story hasn’t got potential – it has. The overall tale is strong, with good characterisation, but it needs to be pristine if you hope to get it published. May I suggest reading your manuscript out loud, it helps to spot the above. Once this has been edited, it will be a fantastic read. I wish you the very best of luck with it.

You paint the picture betwen good and evil very well. Your use of foreshadowing helps to build the tension nicely compelling your reader to read on. Your imaginative writing coupled with a well crafted plot makes your novel a most pleasureable read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

Your writing is very descriptive and I think your pitch is going to bring a lot of people in to read your book. It definitely made me want to read the entire thing! I've read two chapters and I'm probably going to read more when time permits. You've done a wonderful job of building the tension and letting the reader experience this with all their senses which is important in a horror book. I enjoyed it!

Missy

The content is great but there are some issues with syntax and punctuation to be worked out...I suggest cleare separation of dialogue and plain narrative would help the reader...good luck
Stewart

I love the descriptive style of your writing and how it lets me "see" your work. Well done and I wish you the best with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

Very interesting story. I think you should withhold Eddie's name in the first until the second one, but that only preference. Some of your sentence structure seems a bit awkard. Not in the language, but how it's constructed. Their seems to be commas and periods in odd places. There are a few odd sentence constructions that are language, but not many. One example is "He, like Eddie, was..." I think it's sound better if you said "Like Eddie, he was..."
Overall this is a good book and I am happy to back it.

Excellent characterizations - and an intense read! Intelligent and entertaining so far. Backed with pleasure.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi Deanna, These are engaging characters and their dialogue is homegrown. In fact, they’re amusing until the horror begins. Yet there’s a sense of mystery with the man at the diner and the lake. An outset that drew me right in and a horror scene that’s handled realistically at first. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Like the opening to this, not only do you start with a visual dankness there is an underlying dark edge to your style of writing – very, very good.
I like the sense of camaraderie you have captured it is brilliant character development. This is such a good start I’m going to have to read the rest just to see what happens. – Good luck.

FEAST I
This story is a good contest between good and evil. The mark of it is your writing style: clear and fresh. Combined with good characters, it makes this a good read. I’m adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I agree with Zan. I have no problem backing this. As a person who feels like a walking dead shape-shifter at times, I can relate to the line, "Ah, Ed, there ain't no lake around here." With nothing better to do Chester follows his friend who can see a field transform into a lake at night. Chester has a good heart. He liked going to the refreshment counter to see Mya and wanted to give Ed a cooked meal. "He used to have a good job, but international manufacturing took that away from him several years back, and since then he'd be wandering with no real goal but to live from one day to the next, but what else was there?" I have a strong feeling that he's going to find out very soon. I'll be back to read more. I'd like to see how this develops. Backed for now.

The Feast- Book I
Deanna Chrystal

"What the devil has sent will destroy the lives of the innocent, but through the evil good prevails" - I like this good vs evil theme - a universal one which always has broad appeal.
Read your pitches and first chapter, the Feast. Some very amusing bits I enjoyed thoroughly - like Chester waking up feeling like crap the morning after, swearing off the booze forever...until the next round was served. One good push got him off the couch - he looks out onto the street, at the drugstore in particular where he went to feel normal again - to see Mya. His stallion urges had long ago passed, but he still adored a pretty face - even if she was 58. Poor Chester, wandering with no real goal from one day to the next - what else was there? Judging from your long pitch, quite a bit and I'm coming back to read more to find out exactly what is in store next for Chester. No problem backing this.

Wow, this is good. Hugely imaginative, dark and you write with such vivid descriptions I felt like I was a part of this world. I couldn't find anything to fault in the chapters I read, so I won't try anymore. Great stuff.
Backed with pleasure.
Carl
The Time Hunters

Hi -- all I can say is that I was entertained and horrified. Therefore--BACKED!.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Dear Deanna, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." :) Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)
When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved...authonomy.

What a great premise and cover. The opening is very promising with strong writing that keeps the reader involved and there is such an epic the world hangs in the balance feel here, I am literally compelled to go on. This is very visual in my head and would like to see this as a movie or tv series. Brilliant.

Dear Deanna, I just discovered your 2nd book & am backing it. :) When I read, "behead him," I thought of David & Goliath which I just read this morninig & he carried the head to Saul - gorey. As in your other book, you had nice large lettering & lots of dialogue, so it was a good read, other than your large paragraphs which I tend to miss the middles because of my short attention spans - you may way want to cut them in 2 or a lot more for an easier read. Your 2 books are backed. Would you please back mine. Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

Real Page turning suspense and action . Love it! Well written and the two hobos were just great.

backed

You're a vet here, Deanna so you know I'm a bit of a pitch doctor, having read thousands of pitches in my time on this website, so I want to share my insight here with you. You have to think of your pitches as your sales tool to grab the casual reader's eyes. The short pitch is a bit generic. For the long pitch, break it down into smaller paragraphs so it reads faster. End it with a question to pique your reader's interest. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year and have the most commented book, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

You do a great job of building the tension within your story from the outset. Very polished writing and a pleasure to read and sink one's teeth into.

Very happily shelved
Melxx
Impeding Justice

Deanna, your first chapter definitely brings this story to life. Good job on this. Nothing to nitpick in that section.

Shelved with pleasure.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Hey, Deanna, I happened across your book and decided to take a read. Now, I usually make notes as I go so you know what's in my mind as I'm reading. I love the opening. I love the tension you've provided straight away.
I'd perhaps have, "...faces staring at thim, but none were of those he sought." maybe it's just me.
You've got Eddie saying, "I was thinking that I'd like..." I'd take out the 'that'.
And I'd say Chesters eyes scanned his surroundings. And 'he informed' sounds awkward. I'm a fan of simply, He said, or in this case you could get away with nothing, just the dialogue.
And then take out, Eddie Argued. You don't need it. There's a continous flow of dialogue and we know who's talking.
Where you've got '...feeling a bit weak...' Take out the 'a bit' you don't need it.
"...but (would) some day surely be a parking lot. My opinion only.
Where you've got, "...the most gruesome creature young Chester had ever laid eyes on..." Replace young Chester with him. We know who you're talking about.
"Their only worry was that the man might catch them." or something similar. I doubt they'd have 'allowed' him to catch them.
How would he know it was the stench of decaying flesh? Think about putting something else there.
Take out 'he relayed' It sounds awkward. There's nothing better than a good old, he said.
You say, "it had been a busting day." do you mean bustling?
You've got 'her face frustratedly...' take out frustratedly. Apart from the fact that it's an adverb, it's a bad one.
I think you've got a great premise and you can write well, but it probably needs a good edit and some of the superfluous words taking out.
Good luck with this,
Cealarenne
THE DIARIES OF MOSEY BLAIN

Hi Deanna! Your story has a Stephen King quality to it, and not just because of the genre and the setting. That's a good thing. People should be so lucky to write like him. You have a clean style which reminds me of him. Well done! I like that this story has a sense of place, Maine. So many books here on Authonomy take place in some nameless generic locale. The only thing that jarred me as I read was, and this is a minor quibble, your use of single quotes. They aren't needed anywhere you use them. They should either be double quotes or italics alone. But this is minor. You have some solid characters here, and there's an underlying foreboding that makes the reader want to read on. I wish you well with this work.

Michael (in Quebec, across the border from Maine)
The Last Coming Out Story