Mutant Toe And The Risky Recruitment (Book One)

A spelling checker would probably tell you otherwise, but "lap top" should be laptop. Your cover made me put on the brakes and when I read your blurb I knew I had to read it. I've only just begun, though.

"get a good education, and for some reason"

"As Seema continued to stare" you could drop the "as" because there is another on in the same sentence and it reads a bit awkward.

Looking forward to reading more.

...
...
Bwah-ha-ha! Keep that short pitch!
As for the long pitch, I would recommend eliminating the second paragraph. The first paragraph says it all. Now as for the actual text, there are a lot of typos...and also, capitalize God. That happened a lot. The cheese contest - hilarious. Okay, I'm done now.

Reben

Hi. I see this book has been around awhile with comments made over three years ago?? It's good to see you are back looking for reads. No reason to give up on such a good story.
I am glad you messaged me because I think you are a good writer and you have talent. I liked the way you started each section with a new addition to characters and subject matter. It kept my interest because you broke it down.
I found a few typos you might want to fix but other than that I enjoyed reading the first chapter. I will certainly continue reading as time permits but good job so far.
There was one place in the very beginning about the ponytail and I see that someone else made the suggestion a while ago; you should take that out. It is right up front and could cause someone to quit reading. I hear editors can be that quick to dismiss.
The section that starts Penny Sykes has a sentence that reads: football match which was being happening...you should change that.
Twice you say Penny sighed breathlessly watching...you should combine those two sentences.
And then when the three girls started beating up Penny, you say, thay begin to beat her up; I would change that to began.
Other than that, the first chapter reads really nicely. It flows and is interesting.
Thanks, Lacy

Sounds like it will make a good series.
Watch out for animation/sitcom/feature film opportunities!

I love this. Well written; great characters. Although, when I first read about the "invisible girl" in your synopsis, I immediately thought of the "Fantastic Four" girl who is also invisible. Not quite plagerism but might be a stumbler for most readers as it leads to comparison. I think this is a winner, though and will back it ASAP. I love the talking BIG TOE!

Please take a look at IN THE FAMILY WAY for me. Not sure it's your kind of reading, but I'd love your opinion.

Debbie Martin

For me, this story is really something that would appeal to kids or teenagers and could work if rewritten with that audience in mind. At the moment the narrative and dialogue are a bit too simplistic, certainly for an adult audience, and I suspect a younger reader would also be looking for a bit more substance.

Some specifics. You tend to repeat yourself, often in quick succession. Once you have told us someone is skating in a room you don't need to mention it over and over again. Dialogue sounds a bit like someone trying to capture how other people speak rather than really nailing it. These two areas, if addressed, could make a fair bit of difference.

But is essentially the story, which is silly but in a fun way, that is the selling point here. It is probably a bit too silly for a mainstream adult audience but could work for younger readers if you reworked it with that in mind.

Hope that is of some help.

This popped up on the random pitch me thing on the front page.

While an amusing story, several things stuck out to me -

1. You have to have AC in New Mexico, at least in the daytime. It gets hot and no university is going to let their kids suffer.
2. A lot of the language is inappropriate for a young adult novel: bitchin', frakkin', and penis, for example. Even if it's geared towards teenagers, you won't want to have those words in there.

Clean it up and work on some of the details, and you'll have a good novel on your hands. Best of luck to you!

What a cute, backable, story. Your characters are likeable -- well, except for Jen and Kelly -- and the plot moves forward nicely. I know you're enjoying writing it. Have fun and good luck.

Jay Squires
"Eddie and the Boxcar Painter"
"Keeping Score"

Fun and you have a story. Lots to learn and you seem new to this and keep writing, but do keep it up. Mutant big toe... like it.

Kevin

Edward,

Many years ago (well, it seems like it), you kindly commented on Connected Obsessions. At that time I promised to read The Mutant Toe, but various projects have kept me away from the site for much longer than I expected. I apologise for that.

I'm now back on a more regular basis, trying to catch up on promised reads.

I have had a look at Mutant Toe and tried (twice so far) to post my comments, but I'm getting an error report from the Authonomy site.

If you're happy to let me have an email address, I can send them to you. There's a Mail link you can use to contact me on my web site, and the URL to that is on my Authonomy profile page.

In the meantime, I'll keep trying here!

Neil

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

The author clearly has talent, and I encourage him to keep writing and develop his talent further.

But I died on the story after the first chapter. Quite a number of minor mistakes led me to conclude this writer was very inexperienced.

One: Too wordy. A detail should not be mentioned unless it has some relevance to the story. "jet-black hair tied back in a pony-tail" is only relevant if it plays a key role. The rule is: If you leave a detail out and the story doesn't change, the detail should be removed.

Two: Said-Bookisms. If the author doesn't know what this is----and I suspect he doesn't---he should look it up.

Three: Grammar errors. As a general rule, when characters start speaking, this should begin a new paragraph.

Four: COPYRIGHT VIOLATIONS! This shows the author's inexperience more than anything else. You may NOT use the name "Bart Simpson" or the word "frakk" without explicit permission from the people who own the copyright on them. It's an instant lawsuit if this gets published with these words in them.

That said, let me repeat I encourage the author to keep writing. He appears to have an instinctive knowledge of how stories work, and a gift for invention.

I read this book with great interest. Loved the characterization -bart simpson hairstyle -and think it shows a good knowledge of modern dialogue. It's not the usual sort of book that I would choose but I enjoyed it. When I get more time I'll read the rest but at the moment am working on promoting my second book To catch a Thief an intriguing mystery romance. So will catch up later. Good luck with it I see its already well on its way at 375
Told you need to work site 5 days a week for five weeks to make it to the top. sure you'll get there. bet wishes

This is such a wonderful idea; I would have been so disappointed if the book was rubbish! But it isn't, far from it. Entertainment doesn't get much better than this.

Andrew

Hi Edward,

This is brilliant! It’s original, hilarious and clever. Your characters are engaging. This is great for your target audience.

Very well written. You’ll be soaring up the ranks in no time.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

I apologize for the delay in commenting you. You have a gift for words, my friend. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

Edward, came for the read swap! One word. BRILLIANT!

This is hilarious hehe, and had me gripped from the start, what a unique idea...such an unusual concept! I'm only on Chapter two so far but will read on, had to let you know I'm finding it very enjoyable and I think you have an excellent blend of genres, so much creativity!

Fantastic narrative voice good descriptions, your characters come across very clearly. Bloody good job!

Can't wait to read more, you are definitely worth a backing. Will let you know when I am done - best of luck with this! Your TA will lap it up.

Melanie x ~Dreamgate~

You get a good sense of the students in your writing. There was a television series in Australia years ago and one of the characters had a detachable toe. Just had to have a look because of that.

Bj

Hi Edward. Yep, a talking toe is definately a new angle. I have gout in mine, and would love to have a serious word with it. Only comment would be about the adverbs which others have helpfully mentioned. If you do a search of "ly" you can see how many come up with the yellow highlight. Mind you, a lot of it is Clyde, which leads me on to say that you say Clyde quite a lot too, though clearly that's a noun, and a proper one.

The question we should be asking is: If adverbs are so bad, then why does it say "Bill James wrote recently" just above? Right, I think we've cleared that up.

A shelvingly good piece of work.
Bill

So a slightly bizarre premise, but a great book cover that made me want to see what this was all about. First of all you got me googling whiny and I still don't know whether it should be whiney, whinnie, winny, winnie, or just plain whiny. Not that it particularly matters, but it just caught my attention.

Anyway, as you say very tongue in cheek but I can see this will appeal to your target reader. It's zany with some great characters and a nice style of writing that gives it a good pace.

Noticed quite a few spelling or typos, such as in Chapter 11 nearky nine foot instead of nearly nine gfoot. Easily rectified. Also in same chapter not sure about grab ahold, maybe grab hold of. Anyway, just minor things that an edit will fix.

It's funny. It's the sort of thing YA will love. Shelved and good luck

Yeah for Battlestar Galactica! I find myself saying frakk too. Weird.

You have interesting writing style that adds some humor to a dull world. There are few mistakes in spelling, but nothing a quick read through can't fix.

The young adult audience will love the humor and characters they can identify with and understand. Kudos.
Shelved.
Later days,
Kenny

This is a really funny story with characters who jump off the page. So perfect for your market, too.

That thing about adverbs. Someone else mentioned it, but here are the reasons to avoid them:
1. they tend to prop up weak verbs;
2. they don't add anything meaningful;
3. editors and agents dislike them;
4. they rob you of the opportunity to say something much fresher; and last but not least;
5. they make me want to scream! (of course that one is personal)

Ibid for exclamation marks, although sometimes for humour, they're okay.

But, hey, we all have our crosses to bear, our favourite words, our punctuation quirks, etc. This is a damn fine read and I'm shelving it.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Hello Edward,

Happy to say, Mutant Toe is now on my WL, am reading it now and will provide more comments as I read. So far so good!

Best to you,
Justis
Prestidigitations

A fun read - at times hilarious - much enjoyed, so putting this on my shelf.

Different and funny! GIve yourself a pat on the back, because your target market will love this! I am a HUGE Battlestar fan myself (pity it's finished) and had to laugh when you used that also. Frakk, indeed!

On my shelf.

Elaina

Hello Edward,

It is amazing at the little effort it took me to be completely engrossed in the story. First your characterization is very good. The characters might appear many for the first chapter, but their colourfulness, witty disposition and funny objectives made them very relevant.

You weaved an amazing plot which is perfect for its target readership and wrote in a straight forward manner that is very appealing. The dialogue is effective and in some places, very hilarious and the narrative served its purpose. However, tightening the chapters a bit would make it even better.

I did notice a few typos, one of which is:
...."Yeah, Kelly started hanging out with them (two) a few months back....

Overall, this is a captivating story and one hat I will like to return to.

All the best.


Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

This is a perfectly targeted book for the YA.
Fabulous cover, title and short pitch. I think the long pitch could be tightened though.

There’s a nice irony to your writing. I love the witty, zany style and the comic book feel you get over. I like the popular culture references too.
The characters are easily accessible and their dialogue is great.

I think there’s a bit of tightening to do throughout. The chapters seem a bit long and would flow better if shorter and tighter. You already divide things up with breaks anyway. Think comic book and how simplified the text and dialogue is. I could actually see this working really well as a comic, or maybe as an animation? Either way, please consider scripting it at some stage.

However, this is definitely good enough to go on the shelf with my best wishes
David (Green Ore)

Your story is whacky and fun and aimed squarely at the YA market.Melanie, Seema and Clyde are all interesting charcaters, nicely drawn. Especially Melanie, with her roller blades.

However, I feel it could do with some tightening - but of course, that's just my opinion to do with as you will. In your very first paragraph, Seema runs her hand into her medium-length, jet black tied back into a curly ponytail. That's actually pretty hard to do - but apart from that, we don't really need the description at this point. I don't know anything about this girl - right now I don't much care what she looks like. Besides, we learn soon enough she's Indian. What other hair colour would she have? That's an example of a number of instances where you overwrite a little. The other thing I noticed was this.
Penny smiled absently
He smiled at her pleasantly
Penny sighed breathlessly
Penny gulped nervously
Penny lowered her voice, timidly saying…
Again, this is personal - I try to avoid adverbs. They start to take over.
Great imagination that could be polished up to shine.

Okay, I read the first two chapters and it was funny enough. You were VERY generous with the exclamation marks, which I presume was intentional. I think maybe the target audience is younger than I am, but I did laugh quite a bit although I don't think I'd take it out from the library. But I will back it for its potential.

Hi Edward! Wow, this is a fast read. You have dialogue down pat, and because it drives your story, I found myself able to whip through your book. It's funny! That's a difficult thing to do. One of the things I appreciate about your work is the little details, like the fake imitation Rolex, that tells us so much more about the character than straight narration would. You have a unique premise here, and this book has a lot going for it. If I could make one suggestion, it would be to start it off with a bigger bang. The start is pretty tame, and paragraph 3 already tells us backstory. But after that, it's clear sailing. There must be a better way to convey that info later. Just a suggestion.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

A masterclass in silliness. I wouldn't usually read a YA book, but your pitch made me think this was worth a look and I'm glad I read. The fun characters and humour kept me engaged and I enjoyed meeting the Toe at the end of chapter 4. Editorial points below about redundant words are worth bearing in mind, but should be easy enough to sort out. Shelved.

Lisel
Isis In Crisis

Ed,

Finally got to you; apologies for the delay, but I've been a busy boy recently. Still, better late than never and all that.

First things first, I'm going to repeat something I've said in a few comments on Authonomy; I'm not generally a YA reader, so tend to find it difficult to get into books in the genre. However, I think Authonomy is all about returning reads and reading outside your comfort zone, hopefully I can still give some useful feedback.

I'll go bad news/good news I think. BAd news wise, I have a pet hate; exclamation marks to show that somethings funny. There's a few in here, and it just jars with me; that may of course be in keeping with the genre. That said I'm a hypocrite, because I think I've got a few in mine too! (ironic case in point).

Also, I found Melanies attempted street speak a bit too contrived; I think that's a deliberate ploy for the character, but again it jarred for me. As before, possibly in keeping with genre.

Finally on the crit side, and this is a real nit pick, you referred to the rooser as the 'poor creature'; I think it's up to the reader to decide if it's a poor creature or not, the writers job is to show what's happening and let the reader make up their own mind.

On the positive side you've got a good premise, enticing ideas and some nice little one liners and such - world of Leather stood out for me. I find myself repeating what Ryan has said; "great cast, excellent dialogue and good humour". Didn't quite grab me, but I think with some work it certainly would.

Hope this helps

Cheers

Stanny

Here are a few thoughts as I read:


Laptop - not lap top…

“were you talking to yourself,’ she asked inquisitively—I’d leave out ‘inquisitively’ since the very fact that she asked the question lets the reader know she’s being inquisitive without it needing to be mentioned

‘Seema stared at her blank monitor screen’ It’d be fine here if you just used either ‘monitor’ or ‘screen’ saying ‘monitor screen’ is using two words to describe one thing

“utilizing his entire repertoire…” and

‘contemplated upon the turn her life had taken’ these and a few other instances don't strike me as a very YA like voice to me…

I noticed quite a few adverbs in chapter one, watch out for those words that end in ‘ly’!

Just a few nit picks, but overall I quite enjoyed your first chapter. You’ve got a great concept here : )

Mutant Toe

Hi Edward, Attack of the Killer Tomatoes meets Dav Pilkey's Captain Underpants in terms of silliness, but with a healthy dollop of Heroes type drama and tension. What a varied experience you have offered the reader, there is a lot of latent humour in your prose, the purple-eyed rooster just the start I suspect. Enjoyed this immensely, a little re-editing and polishing required, but a good, solid, intriguing and different idea - SHELVED - Andrew W.

Hello Ed,

As much as I enjoyed this, something wasn’t quite right and I had a hard time phrasing what was up. Then I glanced down, and yep, I think Bakrobi found just the word I was looking for: redundancy. As Jack also mentioned, if something has been stated or alluded to beforehand, whether in dialogue or another piece of description, it doesn’t need reiterated (showing AND telling) and if it’s ultimately irrelevant to proceedings or doesn’t need to be revealed right at that moment… well, perhaps you could consider snipping it out to improve the pace.

Now, all that aside, I liked this a lot- so it’s really not that big an issue. Your descriptions are solid but your dialogue is especially good; each of your characters has an instantly recognisable voice and you use their conversations and interactions as your primary means of propelling the narrative along, which is something I like to see.

The “silly” tag is very apt, but this is surprisingly dramatic and involving for something so firmly tongue-in-cheek. As much as I adore comics and their related genres they’re very easy targets for satire and spoof, and you obviously understand (and love) their trends well enough to deconstruct them like you have.

So to ignore my own advice and repeat myself; great cast, excellent dialogue, good humour. Nice.

-Ryan

Nicely written with a clear voice and a decent sense of humour. I'd agree with the second paragraph below. And I most definitely must say - what a fantastic book cover!

Hey Edward!

I think you have something really cool going here, but I think this book has a case of too much description. It kinda took me out of the story and made it feel more like an informational or scientific book than a novel.

No need to say that she's studying in america since you mention the next paragraph down. If someone can't gather that Seema's parents are foreign just by looking at her name, there's no hope for them. If you say that Melanie is 6'2 WITH rollerblades, we can assume that she's shorter without them. And if the narration states that the animal is a chinchilla, it's a bit redundant to make the dialogue do it also.

These are just a couple of nitpicks for your consideration (if you so choose) Besides that I'd say this is one enjoyable read!

Edward,

I have this memory of being a child and watching my grandmother's soap opera where one of the characters lost control of her hand and it kept trying to kill her. Scared the crap out of me. I kept resisting your book for that very reason, but it was great fun. The humor is quite entertaining, the characters so stereotypical, they are hysterical, and the plot is nutty. What entertainment!

I found only one awkward sentence. "watched the rooster fell back into the sawdust" -- should be "watched as the rooster fell back into the sawdust". Other than that, the writing was clean.

On my shelf,

ML

I like the way the first few chapters introduce the characters quickly and from the quick retorts and descriptions I soon understand and envisaged each one

You have a very unusual imagination to write this unsual but very funny book!

You have definitely created and captured the mad type of students that would attend a mexican/american university - all very strange and unsually eccentric

It's a book that sucks me in and keeps me wanting to turn the page

Its quick moving but flows well.

It made me laugh out loud quite a few times and I completely enjoyed a fair few chapters, will keep on my WL for further reading

But consider this backed

Regards
Chris THom
Working to Motherhood

Extremely entertaining. Your characters jump off the page, I can see and hear them as cartoon characters on MTV.
Wish you the best of luck with this, it’s so much fun.

Dear Edward, Fast, funny, frantic; and I haven’t even gotten to the mutant (freaky, rebellious) toe yet. You say this is a “tongue in cheek homage to comic books,” which I never read, but I was a fan of The Incredible Hulk TV series (though not the movies), so I see what you mean: David Banner + gamma radiation = superhero. A comic book story line turned upside down: only anti-superheroes here. Since you have a lot of characters, I know I’ll be seeing many other mutants besides Seema and Melanie.

I think your book also pays tribute to comic books in other ways. Your precise, highly visual descriptions of your cast members make them seem comic book characters even before they’re transformed. Then there’s the action—rapid, impossible, large-scale—and, maybe, also the dialogue. I mean, I have heard “real people” talk that way, but they might have acquired their speech patterns from comic books.

I like the continual intercutting, as in a movie: this adds to the book’s visual quality and, for me anyway, allows the chaos to expand geometrically. I also like the sparse narrative, much like stage directions.

Two small suggestions. In the pitch change “University” to “university,” since you don’t name a particular university, and in Chapter 3 change “windscreen,” which is a Briticism, to “windshield” (I’m assuming you want the narrator’s voice to be American).

The only reason someone wouldn’t back this is no sense of humor. But I’m lucky. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

This is awesome! Very funny stuff you have here. You have an excellent cast of characters, too. I was thoroughly entertained, and so this must have a turn on my shelf.

First, I'm shelving this. It grabbed my attention and I found the oddities of Clyde / Seema / Melanie's little accident to be clever / fun. I do have some nit-picks - I hope you don't mind. I'm always glad when people point to easy fixes. You use Chinchilla (my brother has one - I've never heard of anyone else with one) twice in one paragraph. Take the first one out and use "it" instead. When you introduce Clyde, you use his name too often. Simply refer to him as "he" about half the time. Also - I'm not sure about this one, but you tend to start sentences with a lower case after a period within a quote. Don't you always start a sentence with a capital letter? In chapter two, you end several paragraphs with a semicolon. I don't think you are supposed to do that.

All of these things distacted me from enjoying the story even more. I say it was still fun. I like the characters - you give them interesting personalities. I immediately liked Seema, Clyde was a bit goofy but likable, and so was Dave. I get the feeling we aren't supposed to like Peter as much as he eats meat by-product with week old mayonnaise (there's a typo in that sentence - look at the quotes). But these should be easy fixes (I'm sorry if I'm sounding like the Grammar Police) and I'm not about to let that stop me from shelving this. Feel free to point out any typos in mine - best of luck with The Mutant Toe.

Ed,

Some comments here. This is only the opinion of one person, and you can do with this review whatever you want.
First of all - the premise is hilarious. I think, though, that the pitch needs to move a little beyond the toe-premise and give us a glimpse of the *story* that's behind this. What are you planning to do with these aberrant toes?
Then the chapter itself.
I really think this needs pruning and streamlining. There is too much telling. Personally, I would have given up after a few paragraphs. Take out that dreaful second sentence. A few comments about it: 1. The girl's name tells me she's Indian. No need to repeat anywhere. 2. Indian's have black hair. Full stop. I know that. No need to tell me again. 3. At this stage, I really don't care that she's British. Just remove that tell-y sentence and get on with the story. Let the fact that she's British come out in some other way.
I think you need to prune quite a lot of similar paragraphs. Don't give us so much up-front info about the characters, but let us learn about them through action and dialogue.
Some of the dialogue is good (Melanie's, for example), but some of the lines feel a bit forced or out-of-place.

Hi Ed, we all need a change of pace in our reading. This delivered; wacky, funny, with terrific and effective dialogue. I think this book would be an ace of a read with a few improvements; mind you, this is just my opinion.
I think you could set the hook a little quicker, get right at the action and the wackyness. Also, trim a little detail and keep the pace going. I love the concept and enjoyed your style of writing, Shelved.
Michael Croucher

First off, this is hilarious. XMen meets Dumb and Dumber.

But as far as the writing goes, there are some things that can be improved. First, start off with the action. Based on your pitch, I was expecting to fall headfirst into craziness...and the beginning disappointed me. You don't need to give us such an extensive set up. We can learn about the characters as we read. We don't have to know everything about them in the beginning. You can start with Clyde making his great discovery, because that was where my interest peaked.

Pacing also needs a little tweaking. But I think that had to do with the introduction of so many characters in a single chapter. I would stick with Clyde, Seema and Michelle. You can introduce the other characters as they become involved. Transforming and such.

Your dialogue is good. It had me laughing. Especially the exchange between the girls and Clyde when they're discussing "the discovery". And the line about the "great cheese conspiracy". :)

My main suggestion would be to focus on just a couple characters. Develop them. Make them the focus of the story. Clyde, Seema and Michelle are the obvious choices, but it's up to you.

Overall, this is a good story. Guaranteed to have people rolling on the floor laughing. It just needs some development. I will keep this on my WL.

I enjoyed the read! Thank you!

~Brandi Guthrie~
(Fury)

Dear Ed, Mutant Toe is a thoroughly entertaining read - how could I expect anything less with a title like that and after the pitch you wrote. I love the nuttiness of the whole thing, and the humour, in part as subtle as it is at other times slapstick. Good luck with this, Andrew.

Hello Edward,

You have definitely succeeded in creating a wacky comic-book feel to this story, and you have a good mix of strong characters. I assume that you're hoping it will appeal to readers on both sides of the Atlantic.

There are some places where you give us too much information rather than allowing it to emerge more naturally in the narrative. Others have already picked some out, but one I noticed is that you tell us twice that the 'rat' is a chincilla, first in the preamble to the dialogue and then in the dialogue. If the roommate says 'it's a chincilla' that's all you need. I also agree with some earlier remarks about overwriting: use adjectives sparingly and adverbs rarely.

Despite the crits, I'm shelving this for its originality and genuine humour. Good luck.
Tony (Sirocco Express)

Ed-


I was hoping for a strong hook in the first chapter. Maybe it's because I've done too much reading lately, but I couldn't get into it. Sorry, I guess I don't get it.

-GM

A zany title with a zany mix of characters and events. Certainly is an intruiging premise, but we have to wait for Chapter 4 for the toe to make an appearance, would have liked to see that happen sooner. I think you have a great idea, but some of the chapters are a bit dialogue heavy. You need to break this up a little, and this can be done without dampening the pace. I think your ideas will appeal to a large audience. Best of luck with it.