Bitter Justice - (Vol. 2/3) The Samurai Revival Trilogy

Bitter Justice Vol 2/3. As promised - remember I take notes as I read, but dont pretend to beanexpert.

Ch.1. Good technique - using press cuttings to estalish the rationale and back story for your book.
Do you want nits? I think you should say only a handful remain. It sounds better, but on reflection I'm not entirely sure which is correct...

Ch.2. A dramatic scene indeed.
I'm really picking nits here - had to read the third sentence twice to ascertain the five men were not actually on thetable! Perhaps it would be better to start the sentence with the five men.
And there are some words which perhaps would be better by their absence - making the message strongerand improving the flow (it might need adjustments to sentence structure): now, suddenly, still, always (Ch.3) eventually, surprisingly, (and can oulders jut 'resolutely'?) apparently, hardly any, only, finally, almost.

Ch.3. I wonder if we get to know the narrator, or is it an impartial authorial viewpoint you are taking?
That's awonderful description of the path and the Samurai house. It's as if I am walking along in the very footsteps of the narrator/author. Like a film scene. Must be, because suddenly there is Tessa.
You capture their intimacy beautifully withthe tea ritual.

Ch.4. You use Tessa's thoughts togood effect,establishing more backstory.
I think you should say 'Tessa had to keep reminding herself...'
The dialogue between Beauchamp and Fujiwara is rather stilted and formal, and doesnt flow as well as that between Tessa and Matsumoto. Did you mean it that way?

Thankyou for the read, which has transported me to a country I've never visited. You have effectively opened the second volume in such a way that it is complete in itself. I dont feel I've missed anything vital by not completing the first volume. A feat not every author can accomplish!

Jane (Breath of Africa)

Rheagan,
What a premise to work with, Tessa accomplished in the art of Japanese swordsmanship, taking it upon herself to battle the Calver Cats criminal gang led by her brother, the biggest cutthroat of them all. Not unlike the characters in "Kill Bill," yours navigate violent situations with cool equanimity. Your narrative is conversational, your dialogue true to character. Thank you so much for the captivating read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

A story that is full of tension, which grips the reader right at the start.
You paint a dark picture and yet it still appears full of colour.
The characters are strong and the plot flows and is fluent.
The language you use blends in well and add to the narrative.
You writing appears dream like in its quality, which lends well to the subject that you are writing about.
Pov is perfect and dialogue fills out your scenes brilliantly.
A good read and I will rate this high.
Well done.

My first impressions were that some of the dialogue was a bit clumsy. is clearly meant to be a big bas villain, but his manner of talking was almost like a parody of a Bond villain. The torture/murder sequence also seemed to end far too quickly. Not that I have any wish to read detailed descriptions of women being tortured, but the tension could have been built up here before the murder. It seemed to be over before it had really began.
From what i read, it seemed as though this is going to be a big, fast moving thriller, with a fantasy edge, that is going to be pretty action packed, and you wanted to get into the meat of the story as quickly as you could, but i felt you didn;t need to do that. The promise of action/intrigue is clear, and you can take your time building things (of course, plenty will tell you i'm talking nonesense and that you've done the right thing, it's just subjective i suppose).
Obviously a very promising work though.

This is a great story, very well tuned and smooth pace. You bring a natural flavor to your writing that makes it very easy to and enjoy.
i love the second chapter, the scene immediately sucked me in with its action and a tad amount of cruelty. I actually enjoyed the flashbacks that came on in the following chapters. I'm a bit of a control freak so i like knowing as much as possible.
the imagery in your novel is beautiful and i cant wait to read more. i also love how you set your novel beginning with newspaper articles giving it a realistic edge to it.
six stars!

Amanda Last

I read a few chapters of "Unwelcome Consequence" and have added the second one to my WL for future reading. Before I comment let me tell you.. I do not critique grammar, punctuation and such. Your editor will do that. We are hear to improve our skills as writers That being said, keep in mind that not everyone on this venue are talented. Many are but not all. So, take critiques with a grain of salt, including mine. Take what you need and discard the rest. This works for me. If I like what I write better..it stays. If a suggestion is better...I fix it. Now on to your story :)

WOW! It was like reading James Bond in the beginning. I liked how you wove the family ties in with the story and family loyalty. That's good. The images were good. Descriptions..good. I liked the way you start out with news articles. I never saw that before and it was unique. Well done. All in all I can't find a lot to say that's bad.
If I could I might feel like I'm helping you more but it's done properly. You will make more changes as you edit it.
If you do, let me know. I'll read it again. It does need a tweek here and there but that will come with editing.

I'm backing with pleasure! Well done!

Six stars for you!

T.L. Doutrich
Lilly and Thomas, Thone of Pidl

Hello Rheagan,
I read the first five chapters of your book. In the first chapter I was confused about who the Peacekeeper was. Not until you introduced Tessa was I able to understand and it kind of added into more confusion in chapter two with Fujiwara. I like this character Tessa and how she is flashing back to the past. You really bring the Japanese culture to life with the dress, food and ancestry. My only advice is that in chapter one you could say something like He is hunting the UK Peacekeeper who annihilated the original London gang and his own sister who he holds responsible for his temporary incarceration-not knowing they are both the same person. That way your a little better informed of what's going on. Having said that, I think that this book should be given a chance at publication. It runs very smoothly. It picks up at a good pace and I wouldn't mind reading more of it. I will give it 5 stars and WL for now.

Mark Williams

The opening of the book instantly builds intrigue as you develop the sibling rivalry between Tessa and Beauchamp (sibling rivalry puts it mildly). Indeed, the beginning of the book reminded me of Kill Bill. Although I generally prefer to read fiction that is closer to reality, I can't deny there's an interesting premise at work here.

As to your execution, I question some of your choices. Also, several areas require some tweaking from a grammatical standpoint.

For example, you write lots of comma splices (e.g., "Not far away a woman was tied to a chair, she was Japanese too"). Each clause is an independent clause; consequently, a comma is not appropriate punctuation. You need either a semi colon or a period there. With this particular example, the second clause seems like such an after thought anyway. Why not something like, "A Japanese woman was tied to a chair." or "They had a Japanese woman tied to a chair."?

I also question all of your adverbs and adjectives. I like descriptive language, but sometimes if you use too many descriptive words, it has the opposite of the intended effect, for it pulls the reader out of the story and makes him/her aware that they're reading. For example, "humid heat rose through the jungle." The word "jungle" is evocative in and of itself. Indeed, I can't conceive of a jungle that isn't hot and humid. At the very least, I would delete the word "humid." Here's another example: "familiar old black limousine." Sometimes one adjective is stronger than three. In this instance, if the limousine is familiar to Tessa, chances are the limo is old. And almost all limos are black, so telling us that adds little. Moreover, ask yourself what is the purpose of each of your adjectives. Does it matter that the limo is black?

Also, some sentences could be cleaned up quite a bit. For example, "His two sons said nothing, preferring the safer option of drinking their remaining wine." That's a lot of words (and a lot of words that end in "ing"). What about, "His two sons drank their wine in silence."

The image of crystal and porcelain "bouncing violently" didn't work for me. What about crashing to the floor? In other words, "bouncing" and "violently" don't really go together, do they?

You finished some sentences with question marks when the sentence didn't seem to call for it (e.g., "Surely you can manage that?" and "I don't understand this obsession of his?").

At the beginning of the 3rd chapter, "In northwest Japan", you spend a lot of time methodically explaining the geographic location. I found it tedious and unnecessary. Again, much of the language seems overdone, if not awkward (e.g., "an imposing roofed gatehouse"). Does the fact that it's "roofed" add anything? Also, you use a lot of passive voice in this section (and throughout the text).

Regardless, these suggestions/observations reflect my personal preference. This is your story, and you should write it the way you want.

You've got the making of a compelling story here, but, in my opinion, you need to spend a lot more time editing. Good luck with this.

- Unwelcome Consequences (2) -

(Based on the prologue and chapters 1-5)

The first thing that strikes you about this as a writer/reader is that it feels very polished and you can tell a lot of care has been taken over the editing. The other main things that my focus settled on were the sympathetic and intriguing main character and the setting. The exotic location of the story and the atmospheric description of it were definite plus points for me.

I enjoyed the opening with the news articles as a bit of scene setting and it was particularly useful for someone like myself who had not read the first part. The obsessive compulsive in me wants to meld the main points of both articles into one to keep a kind of integrity to it but I imagine most readers would not expect such pedantry.

The second chapter posted is action-filled with good characterization and tension. My only nit here was that some of the dialogue can be a bit ‘wordy’. For example “This blemish on my family’s honour must be expunged.” Having not read the first part though, this could well be a characteristic of the villain that I’m not aware of.

The third chapter is very good in painting an exotic scene with some beautiful imagery and takes us through Tessa’s training, giving us the sense that she’s preparing for a huge challenge. Again, the minimalist in me wants to trim this, both the scene-setting and the training sequence as I had the sense they were drawn out a little too long. But at the end of the day, no author is interested in how I would write their book so I’ll shut up now….

In chapter four we get some nice background on Tessa and again I’m feeling here that I’m lagging a little for not having read the first part. It felt at times like one of those ‘Last week on X’ montages you see on TV which remind you if you saw the episode the previous week but leave you with questions if you didn’t see it. So there was some filling in there for the uninitiated but it did come all a little fast for me at stages. Again, I don’t think this would be a problem for anyone who had read the first part though.

Chapter five has some more nice background on the enemy and a good bit of characterization on Tessa as the reluctant warrior, making her more human. As a very pedantic nitpick, I’d add a comma after the introductory phrase in the sentence “As her consciousness drifted another disturbing….” Just because I initially read ‘another’ as relating to the verb ‘drifted’. But this is getting very pedantic indeed.

As I say, very polished and some impressive writing in there, particularly the description of settings. This is not a genre I usually read so I’m perhaps unqualified to comment properly but I did enjoy reading this.

I hope there’s something useful in what I’ve said, in amongst all the blethering.

All the best with it,

Ross

I read chapters one to four two months ago. I read chapter five today.

General comments: An intriguing chapter. A fascinating main chapter. Vivid descriptions. Good attention to detail. Atmospheric. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the fifth chapter:
1) 'Tessa peered out from the back of the unmarked Police car.' No need to capitalize 'Police.'
2) ' ... the central part of the latticework slide aside to reveal a kimono clad woman bowing as she waited to greet them.' I would have liked to have seem a brief description of the kimono at this point. Blue cotton? Red silk? Pink chrysanthemums and gold thread?
3) 'They entered a lounge furnished with exquisite items displaying the epitome of Japanese artistry.' This description is too general to convey an image to the reader. Consider being more specific. A suit of Japanese armor. An old, knurled bonsai pine. A shoji or byobu screen depicting mounted warriors in battle.
4) 'Tessa felt extremely uncomfortable, ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe her diacomfort so vividly the reader will experience it along with Tessa. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story.
5) "I will send a limousine to collect you at 10pm with the constables, ... ' '10pm' should be '10 p.m.' or, better yet, 'ten p.m.'
6) 'With the sun high in the sky, she managed a run of 17 successful attacks.' Spell out numbers 1-99.
7) Excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope this critiques helps you further polish this chapter. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Thank you for supporting "Savannah Fire." Good luck with "Unwelcome Consequences."

Have a wonderful day.

Al

First, I must praise you for the well-edited chapters you have uploaded. You have a beautiful story put together by your travel experience and brilliant imagination. However, I felt the pace slowed down considerably after the second chapter, perhaps as a result of the many flashbacks. While they are necessary for the reader to understand how Tessa became a peacekeeper, it might be better to introduce some of them later in the story. Please keep writing and uploading more chapters.

First, I must praise you for the well-edited chapters you have uploaded. You have a beautiful story put together by your travel experience and brilliant imagination. However, I felt the pace slowed down considerably after the second chapter, perhaps as a result of the many flashbacks. While they are necessary for the reader to understand how Tessa became a peacekeeper, it might be better to introduce some of them later in the story. Please keep writing and uploading more chapters.

Your short pitch reads a little stilted with the echo of 'friend'. Try reading it out loud and you’ll see what I mean. You also repeat words in the long pitch, narrowly and narrow line, for example.

The news intro was fine in terms of feeding info to the reader, but I wasn’t particularly convinced in terms of it sounding like genuine news reports. Lacked a little authenticity for me.

The scene in Cambodia was a little confusing. It’s not really clear what POV you’re using. Who is telling this story, an omniscient narrator? Later on it seems to be Tessa's POV. Inconsistent.

The boozy dinner etc made it seem like a celebration but when the guy spoke it became apparent he was angry about something. The killing of the Peacekeeper, while I get your trying to paint him as the ruthless maniac, is just a bit too direct. It’s like showing someone opening a chest full of gold to illustrate what a good treasure hunter they are. It does do that, but not as effectively as showing how they found the gold in the first place. Similarly here, just killing someone already tied up and without resistance is a little too moustache-twirling and melodramatic.

The writing in general is okay, although a little over the top early on. You overuse adverbs and the narrative is a little too straightforward. The first chapter is short and quick, but the Tessa training/airport stuff is a lot slower and by the numbers. You lead us through it step by step which was a little arduous. Since this is the sequel, fans of the first may enjoy this look into her training, but as a first time reader it didn’t really tell me much. Other than exhausting her I don’t know what she learnt. I realise these things will become apparent later, but unlike you I have no context, to me it’s just a woman swimming around getting tired for no discernible reason. The switches between flashback and present time weren’t very smooth and I got lost in the transitions.

Overall I’d say I recognise this as preliminary stuff and the story hasn’t really started. In real life I would skim all of this until I got to something important. I’m not against background and scene setting, but it’s a bit too meandering an opening for my personal taste.

Unwelcome Consequences: Great introduction with articles from the Global Times and Japan News with regard to the rampage of the Calver Cats, an illegal arms and drugs operation. The derivation of the name is an excellent touch. And the fact that it’s introduced at the beginning is first rate. Chapter 1 takes us to northern Cambodia, where Beauchamp (a dark character) tries to get information from his captive. But he’s impatient and the captive isn’t talking. Chapter 3 gives stunning images of scenery in Kanazawa. Dialogue, especially in Japanese, is well crafted. Here we meet the sister of the villain in Chapter 1, whose unique training is now complete. This hook takes us swiftly into the following chapters.

The only suggestions (much like my own book) is culling some modifiers, not all. Your visuals are absolutely breathtaking although readers can get bogged down with too many in the same paragraph. For instance, the first sentence in the third paragraph. Lets say it read, ‘Meticulously constructed from stone, the ramparts were smooth, jutting high out of a deep moat,’ it would mean the same thing, still keeping the poetic voice. The word ‘jutting’ in this sentence implies an overhang, I think. So, would ‘high’ be the right word?

Great storyline and unique pitch. It’s a high star read. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

I like the way the novel opens with the contrast between the hero and the villain and laying the grounds for their eventual confrontation. I'd like to understand a little more about their relationship early on so I understand why he wants to kill his sister and why he turned out so bad.

The plot is interesting with interesting background. I love the attitude of the book. The action drags a bit in Tessa's part of chapter 4 as there is too much background and not enough development of the current plot.

You've got a good thing going here. I'll back it.

Brian
Mute

I'm just settling in for a read, but I can already tell this will be a great story, and so sharply written, descriptive and efficient...very well done.

Cloister Cats or Calver cats? Or are they two separate organisations? I dont think u need the copywrite thing there coz copywrite exists as soon as you write it, so having that displayed looks like u dont realise that and therefore makes it look like ur just starting out? Dont mean to nitpick, its personal preference obviously, but just want to critic as best as possible!! Opening chapter is nice, giving a sense of how threatening the gangsters are. Tessa starts to come off pretty cool in the next couple too, kinda the Bride from Kill Bill come Lara Croft? Am encouraged to read on! x

Hello Rheagan,
CarolinaAl and Curiousturtle gave good commmetns with great feedback. I'll try to add my two cents as well.
I like the background in Japan, especially at the "monestary" where the samurai master lives. You paint a good picture of everything. The writing is clean.
My only problem is the Culver Cats gang. So far it's been all talk and no show with the bad guys. Where's the danger? It may be more interesting if you show the readers how dangerous these Cats can get. Do an asassination, a burglary, a terror attack, destroy a police station, do something and show us how deadly these guys are. Show more ruthlessness with Beauchamp. You show him in a hiding place in Vietnam (or Cambodia), but maybe we would get a better depth of his power if you bring a couple visitors through several checkpoints with some nasty looking guards, go through mine fields, barbed wire, laser scanners, watchtowers, until you get to some secret fortress. Introduce Beauchamp along with some really nastyside-kick to the visitors. The men report a sucessful attack on a CIA outpost who were preparing a counter-strike. But Beauchamp is not impressed, so he orders his nasty side-kick to throw one of the visitors into a pool full of man-eating pirhanna fishes, and everyone watches the poor guy die in agony. Then when Beauchamp asks about his sister, the single survior says he doesn't know where she is, Beauchamp takes a knife and slashes the man's cheek and orders "find her!"
In other words, paint a pictture to show that the bad guys really mean business, just as well as you've painted a great picture of the samurai compound in Japan. Then, I think, the readers will be more convinced of the story.
Hope this helps
Kirk

I read Authonomy chapters 1-4.

General comments: A captivating start. A feisty, intriguing main character. Good world building. Good use of Japanese details and language to create a Japanese atmosphere. Effective descriptions. Good tension. Good pacing.

Specific comments on the first Authonomy chapter:
1) 'He also wants his sister killed.' Technically, 'his' refers to the UK Peacekeeper.

Specific comments on the second Authonomy chapter:
1) "You've had 9 months!" Spell out numbers 1-99.
2) "I am not going to forget what happened in London, and neither should you Bill." Comma after 'you.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
3) ' ... observed Fujiwara senior.' Capitalize 'senior.'

Specific comments on the third Authonomy chapter:
1) 'She heard the distant sound of birds hearlding dawn and felt the gentle pull of ... ' Try to avoid using the word 'heard.' Just describe the sound so the reader can experience it along with Tessa. And, likewise, try to avoid using the word 'felt.' Just describe the feeling so the reader can have the experience along with the character. When you do this, the reader will be drawn deeper into your story and 'she heard/felt' will be implied.
2) "As before, if you find yourself facing what you heart tells you is an unbearable force, ... ' The first 'you' should be 'your.'

Specific comments on the fourth Authonomy chapter:
1) ' ... each of which provided a Guardian for day-today communication.' 'Day-today' should be 'day-to-day.'
2) " ... Sorry!!!!!!!" Ellipses ( ... ) are used to indicate hesitant speech. As such, they aren't used at the beginning of dialogue. Also, one exclamation mark is sufficient. Using multiple exclamation marks is unusual and pulls the reader out of your story while the try to determine what you mean to imply with seven exclamation marks. You don't want that.
3) "Your flight departs at 2:30pm this afternoon." '2:30pm' should be '2:30 p.m.' or, better yet' 'two-thirty p.m.' There are more cases where pm/am are used incorrectly.
4) The limousine came to a gentle halt in the Airport drop-off area.' 'Airport' shoud be lowercase. In this context, 'Airport' is a common noun and common nouns are lowercase.
5) "Don't worry Hayasaka-san." Comma after 'worry.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
6) She' asked whether he could tell her the history of the Samurai House. Remove the single quote mark after 'she.'
7) 'He was in his early 50's, slim, clean shaven ... ' Spell out numbers 1-99.

I hope this critique will help you further polish your all important first chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please have a look at "Savannah Fire?"

Have a splendid day.

Al

I started reading your Opus and thought I would give you my cent and half:

The first things that jumps is the start. You are using the same device that John Dos Passos used in USA.
By that I mean the use of news as clips for holding the narrative. Take a look at Jhon Dos Passos, if you have a chance, for he exploits this device not only as a hook, as you do, but throughout his narrative, to great effect.

For ex in ch 3 : "Numerous political.....
The news clip device could be used here to describe the background story to much effect

The dialogue works, is neither punchy or naturalistic but somewhere in the middle. I would have liked a bit more lingo to make it more idiosyncratic and bit of body language interspersed in between, specially when there is a long string so that the reader has a visual image to string him along

Like this one: "a smile fleetingly..."

"Amongst the hills....
This whole paragraph is expertly delivered... the sense of place it creates is wonderful
I would have like more or this, specially in cha 4

Some Minor/Minorest/Minormost points:

At the start of chap 2 I would have liked a bit more of a sense of place, you go from weather report to furniture, missing the middle step, which is the sense of place. Remember you are introducing the reader to a new world. You already established the hook. Now take your time...

......and paint

otherwise this looks like a second hook, in which case it should be part of ch 1

"shimmering(1) haze of humid(2) heat rose(3) through the jungle blurring(4)"
How many modifiers are we going to pile up here?

"extravagant porcelain, silver cutlery....."
same point

I would skip on the modifiers that made your descriptions appear subjective: the reader wants a sure footed narrator
"Now she felt as though she had matured...
Instead: she had matured and her energies....

I would also skip on labeling her mental states: "deep in her subconscious....."
Instead just describe them and assume the reader knows they are part in the character's mental apparatus

"immaculately dressed Caucasian woman"
that is unnecessary.
Instead let the description stand on it own: "the neat blonde hair,...etc....didn't concerned them" like that
for there, you already imply she is an "immaculately dressed Caucasian woman"

Let me know if that helps,

david

Rheagan -

Unwelcome Consequences - I'm a fan of Shogun's Marika San, which instantly endeared me to your heroine.
Maybe check the sentence in the last para of the prologue ... He also wants his sister killed ... it could be confused to relate to the UK Peacekeeper who annihilated his original London gang.
Chapter 1, the entry feels filmic, as if a ghost-held camera leads us to the two people sitting cross-legged by the hearth. Lovely atmosphere and dialogue, and interesting, the last days of Nariko's drug induced training with Master Matsumoto. A beetle scampering across the veranda (I'd leave out nervously, it dilutes). Sometimes a comma is missing ... weathered, suntanned features ... adolescent, unbridled power ... sometimes a comma is not needed ... he watched her enter the water (,) surface and start swimming ... I also wondered, would she say .... Sorry !!!!!!! while in mid-air? Sometimes a space would help to indicate a change of scene, unless you were to put memories in italics. I wondered about ... religious and unenthusiastic creaking ... not sure this works. At at the airport ... she was one ... maybe ... one of them ... sounds stronger ... with a licence (license) to kill. The atmosphere was warm, amicable and rested (restful?) It's a gripping story and I enjoyed the read. Rated well.

Pia (Course of Mirrors)

This is a ripping yarn with a female James Bond.She's is very upright, so I guess this is for teenagers. I enjoyed it .

Hello, Rheagan. I've been searching for new books and came across UNWELCOME CONSEQUENCES. Short first chapter, I must say, but reminiscent of James Bond so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I guess that means you have an effective hook! I'll be reading more in the next few days and will plan to get back with you for more comments.

In the mean time, if you have the opportunity, I'd appreciate it if you could look at a chapter or two of my book, A PLACE IN LIFE, and let me know your first impression. Don't worry. By now, I handle criticism pretty well.

Good luck with your book.

Old Bob
A PLACE IN LIFE

UNWELCOME CONSEQUENCES
First you start off with a good pitch - lots of information and straight to the point A good POS piece of material.
Your plot and storyline read well and mu interst was piqued as you have set this abroad in exotic places like Burma, Cambodia and Thailand.
The opening lines in italics are perfectly chilling ''The Calver Cats'' sound a most menacing group that have to be dealt with.
The pace is good in parts and a little slow in others. I think this is probably because you dwell perhaps on the narration and telling us what is going/happening to happen. (I too have been accused of this).
You certainly can describe a scene though. Sharp, vivid and almost with a texture - excellent.
In all honesty I consider this an exciting story. It has everything in it that I look for. If truth be told then you could do with some more editing, but this comes and everytime you read a passage you can improve it - I do all the time.
Keep on with it. I really would buy this as it does show promise. Good luck WL and starred highly
Faith
THE ASSASSINS VILLAGE

I thinllk this wil be an exciting story. I wonder if it could move a bit faster? Seems a bit slow with the telling, perhaps more showing? . Well written, excellent story line. Want to read the rest. Definitelyl shelved.

Cheers
Bobbee

I've read the first three chapters, and like where this is going. You're building toward what is sure to be a grand confrontation. Good dialogue and a well described world, the tranquility and beauty of the Smauri home really stood out in my mind.

Tessa promises to be an interesting character and a dangerous adversary. Well done!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Reaghan, there is no doubt that you are composing/have composed an inpressive trilogy that has all the components of a great adventure story. You're absolutely on top of your story and according to me the only thing you have to do is start polishing it. I think you use too many adjectives and adverbs that make some of the sentences top-heavy. For example, I would leave out 'dense' in the very first sentence. Also words as awe-inspiring do not work for a reader, they have to be awed there and then themselves. I think that what may be a problem is that you still look at the 'objects' you want to describe with the eye of an engineer: all important aspects have to be mentioned, nothing left out because then 'the thing ' wouldn't work. It will work, Rheaghan, in fiction-writing less is more. I hope you understand this is meant as positive criticism. I know it is very difficult to go back to your own work and scrutinize it again with the eyes of a reader and then say to yourself: what is really essential to my story to bring it across effectively? But after all, it's all that matters. Loved your website! Good luck and you may ask my opinion anytime, Hannah

Opening chapters promise exciting read. Carry on the good work.
M

- Weekend Chimney Sweep or Happy New Year
- Sarajevo Walls of Fate

Effective writing; narrative, dialogue, descriptions, and story all help to make this a very good book...
and is on my watchlist...
read SEASONS...

Rheagan,

This is a fun read woven into a complex world. Having been to both Japan and Cambodia, I feel you captured your settings very well, and I loved the sweet, tender moments between Tessa and Matsumoto.

Nice work! Backed!

P.S. Looks like we read each other's books at the same time! You know what they say about great minds...

After a couple of chapters, I have come to the conclusion that this is in fact a good read, and I like it very much. It's the sort of book I'd buy to read. Well written with good and believable dialogue all around. Will back it for its potential to get to the top and beyond.
Regards,
Pamela 'THE OUTRAGE'

This looks like a great read – I will be back!! If you’d like to pick a number between 1 & 10, select a (short) story from my collection (Pulp Friction) & let me know what you think, I’d be delighted!! Til then….

HI RHEAGAN ' 'UNWELCOME CONSEQUENCES'

The story line in the pitch captured my attention. Japan , the calver cats and the intriguing premise.
yes it is good and beautifully written, your description of the town of Kanazawa very atmospheric, made me feel almost there and walking about.
will read more about this adventure thriler later , on my watchlist
backed
TOM BYE ' FROM HUGS TO KISSES'

Dear Rheagan

Yes I know I have already backed and commented on your book. But you know I cannot find the backing so I have taken the trouble of backing it again to make sure. This book is well worth it and such a good read.
BACKED BY ME FOR SURE
I do hope you will review my book, comment and most of all BACK it. but either way the BEST of luck with yours
Denise
The Letter

Dear Rheagan, All I can say is, "I'm glad I'm not in Tessa's shoes." I love the intrigue & travel of your story. :) You news articles was just that added touch for your story - great write. :) Hope you write lots more books. :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :) Could you please take a moment to back my 2 memoir books? Thanks. :) Love, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs."

I enjoyed reading about other cultures, particularly by someone who obviously knows the culture and area well. By what I've read the books is turning out to be a real page turner. Needs perhaps a little editing, but we all need that and it's easily sorted..
Plagarma

Yes, thanks so much for pointing it out to me. The pic of your cover is in Angkor Wat. I wrote my first book because I represent the pain for all the peaceful and innocent Cambodian who murdered and executed by Pol Pot regime, including my whole family. My pain needs to be heard and told and will be a message for the people in the young generation to learn as much as they can in how communist regime happened. My special message to the Cambodian to not forget about Nam Tien strategy and love their country by stopping the history to repeat.
Your story is well-written, and professional. Thanks for your support. I wish your book could be picked up by HC very soon. Many thanks.

SHELVING you because Tim did. I can use your comments on my book when you can get a chance. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

Do you live in Japan? I do.

Setting up as a good thriller with a female protagonist.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

Deaar Rheagan
Here I am again. I've just read the first part of your book and it runs along smoothly. Engaging but with minor lapses that catch my "editor's" eye. The premise and the events keep one wanting to read more. Makes me a bit sorry I didn't get to read your previous book, Unwelcome Reflections. If you would like me to make moore specific comments let me know. I do believe this "good" book could be made much better. May I ask you again to read my book, Prides Crossing, or Second Son. Perhaps both. I will value every comment you make. Much luck with this one. I'm looking forward to hearing from you. Edie

Dear Rheagan
I'm Edie. My book is Prides Crossing. Would you care to swap reads? Let me hear from you and I'll get right to yours.

A worthy sequel to Unwelcome Reflections: To recap:

“The Global Times - Cloister Cats threaten new world order:
‘….. The Cloister Cats started in the UK and grew by responding to the guns and explosives ban more effectively than other crime organisations. The gang has since expanded internationally and now controls much of the World’s illegal arms and drugs trades. Apparently there are Cloister Cats operations in such far flung places as Bogotá, Chicago, Shanghai and Tokyo....
Japan News - Cloister Cats Peacekeeper slaughter continues:
‘….. For the past 6 months, the Cloister Cats gang has pursed a strategy of eliminating International Peacekeepers.”

The same story appeal for its target audience:

““Before you leave there are two things you should not forget. First, do not be over confident. Your skills are considerable but no one is invincible. A Samurai rarely appreciates the gravity of a mistake until it is about to kill them.”
“Secondly, do not undertake to fight continuously for too long. Your body is trained to ignore tiredness. It will continue at the pace you demand until exhausted. Then it will simply stop, with virtually no warning. You will recover in a day or so; but if you are in the middle of a battle when this happens, you will be defenceless.””

With this as the background:

“To help keep the peace within this new world order, independent sword wielding marshals were established. Called International Peacekeepers, they had to undergo rigorous training and character assessment. Eventually they needed to be proposed for the role of Peacekeeper by two countries. If successful, they were granted anonymity and a license to kill. Each of the two proposing countries would provide a Guardian to interact with the Peacekeeper on a daily basis.”

And I remember about the swords:

Tessa’s “friend Penny had bequeathed her an incredibly valuable sword. Forged by master sword-maker Kimi Amakuni, it could do remarkable things. Not only did it ring when held by its original owner, but it also possessed two cutting surfaces. The incredibly sharp cutting edge at the front of the folded steel blade had been designed to cut flesh and bone. The second edge at the back of the blade had been made to cut other swords.”

All good stuff and carrying this series of books forward nicely. Shelved.

Very original and with plenty of scope and potential. Very hard to put down. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

What I read so far I enjoyed. I like your dialect and the way you describe things. I felt as if I was there in Japan. A couple of things to mention. I was advised that numbers under 100 should be in word format i.e (six weeks). Also paragraph two has alot of exclamation marks which sorts of takes the choice away from the reader. You also in a couple of places have font size dfferences, like 'chrysanthimum flower'. Unless it is meant to be like that, then I apologise.
I will be back to read more if you load more, good luck. Gail xx Invisible Tears