GREEN ORE: The Guardian

David, I'm finding Green Ore a fascinating read. Da throws his 13 year old out, like a chick from the nest and leaves him to wolves and giants. Good thing he can talk to Judd -and Judd answers! I'd like to put this on my watch list of books and hope you have it published. Good Luck,
Ann Mynard (Windshadow)

This isn't my kind of story, so I'll give some more general impressions. The pace is perfect for your target audience. You pull the reader in with a natural hook and make writing look effortless. You have mastered the art of story telling--always answering a question but presenting new ones to keep the reader intrigued but trusting that you will answer their questions in time. This is well written and polished. I can see why it made Ed desk. I hope you do not mind my comment and backing. I figure the backing will help your "all time" ranking? but on merit alone I back any book I think is well written, gold star or not. I hope your search for a publishers for this is going well.
xBeccaX
The Forever Girl

I didn't realize when I began to read this that it had a star. Now I realize you probably don't want any more comments but because I took the time to read this, I'll make a comment. You've created a great fantasy world here; I can tell you spent a lot of time designing it. On top of that, you've added good characters. Makes this a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I came across this book by accident so I read a few chapters. I found it interesting as would my two nieces. Interesting character, that dog is.

Wow, so this is what it takes, time to give up I think!

Olwud and Judd catch the reader's attention immediately, and you do a brilliant job of plunging us right into the middle of the action. I think this book has a great deal of promise, and I'll back it with pleasure.
Abi xxx
"Everyone knows the rule: Stay inside the Wall, but Tisha believes rules were made to be broken. " - Relic

Nice set up. I had an instant affinity for Olwud and his black dog Judd. The first chapter moves rapidly and ends with a twist that makes you want to turn the next page. Backed.

Eric Wilder
Prairie Sunset

Mythic themes and archetypal figures occur everywhere! A classic premise with a bit of a twist. Well done!
Jane Bain ('Life Script: Developing Your Personal Mythology')

Hi David, GOLIATH’S HEAD is published! Please visit my new website: www.alanfleishman.com. Thank you so much for your Authonomy backing and encouragement. Go to Amazon and you will find GOLIATH’S HEAD in soft cover and Kindle right now. Hardcover is coming. It can soon be ordered by retail book stores. (The Kindle app can be downloaded for reading on your computer or iPhone even if you don’t own a Kindle.) I’m self-publishing so will be doing all of the marketing myself. If you like Goliath’s Head, please help spread the word: Tell and email friends. Thanks for whatever you do. If you do read Goliath’s Head, I’d love to hear what you think when you’re done. Good luck with yours.
ALAN FLEISHMAN

I just finished your first chapter and I enjoyed it. I look forward to reading more of it soon! I only have a few minor suggestions, and they're all phrases or sentences that struck me as not fitting or not being necessary. The first is when the father says, "Real men don't cry." I think that sounds a bit modern, and it would be stronger if he just said "Don't be stupid." The next were two small phrases in the paragraph where the father explains that his past has caught up with him - I think you could condense by getting rid of: "...and we had you" and "...and you're no longer safe here", because those are both obvious already.
Those are such minor things, in my book, getting really picky because it's otherwise so good!
Take care,
Wendy

Your premise sounds intriguing, so I shelved your book with the intent of reading it. I will try to offer more constructive comments thereafter.

Benjamin Flinders
(Traveling Trunk Adventures: Pirate Treasure)

What else this book needs. it begins palying with your heart with its characters, the names, the way of writing, the pace, everything just perfect. there is no dangerous book than the one that strikes your heart and make you read all of it, and your book it very dangerous, we have to other things as well in our lives. just perfect. backed with pleasur.

shah

I came across your book by chance and thought it very good and suitably written for your age group, which impressed me. Please have a look The Lucky Bean Tree if you have the time. Backed. Kop.

I've been keeping up with this over the months and you fight to the top. I have to say you've made so many changes since I first read it, and all for the better. I really hope HC gave you something constructive to work with, as surely kids need to read this. Keep going, the book's definitely worth the effort.

The first chapter is very emotive and... well obviously this is a good story as it's on the Ed's desk.
Best of luck, and backed (if it makes any difference now!)
Tracy
The Guardians

This is such a good book. I wish HC would get their review out. I'm sure it will be excellent.

Charles

Love the description at the beginning -- nice writing. I'm also a fan of the dog as side-kick scenario. Am looking forward to reading more.
--Sarah

nice story line...it began with mystery and a hint of adventure to come

As much as a cliché having a shepherd (or any farm hand) be the main character of a fantasy novel is, you seem to have made Olwud quite likeable and interesting. The inquisitiveness is quite apparent and I already enjoy his companionship with the dog.

The name ‘Kittor’ sounds familiar to me, but I can’t think where I may have heard it before. Perhaps it’s just sounds a bit like Kotir from Redwall in my head.

I usually do critiques of the technicalities of the writing, but yours seems pretty tight in this first section so I don’t have a lot to say. Just a few nit-picky bits you might want to look at if you so wish.

The announcement that Olwud is to leave is somewhat abrupt. Indeed, given the pace of the build up it takes one a little by surprise. I wonder, though, if the scene where Olwud first enters the house and explains to Da about the footprints would be a good place to start. The reader receives the all the important information in that scene and it’s a fast, luring discussion.

The battering was well described. Action is so hard to do sometimes, but you pulled it off nicely. However, he dwells on the hurt to his foot (I’m sure it is a great physical pain) more than the punch Da inflicted on him (which could be a more emotional pain as well as the physical). I think there’s a dynamic to explore there.

I like how this section ends; the prospect of new adventures always draws the reader on. Keep up the good work.

- Joel

The Dinosaur Prince

Love the first chapter - never mind young adults! Will definitely get it and read it for my eldest son (8) and will probably read it to youngest too (6). I like to be intrigued - what does Olwud need to find out about the giants? It keeps the interest going through the book. I disagree with G P Morgan about the separationfrom the father and how it occurs - I think that is strong motivation to find out why his father reacted in that way! A child of that age would want to try to undrstand what made his fater do that. Only reading the whole book will give the situation it's full meaning. I would be hooked into reading the rest of the book - definitely!

Good luck!!

Good first chaps, pitching the reader straight into the action. I always find with fantasy novels I get a bit confused with the layout of things and towns etc. I suppose some kind of map would be included of teh fantasy land. Occasioanlly phrases in dialogue sound a bit odd coming from a young boy, e.g I'll take that as a yes, but maybe it's because they're more contemporary. The description moves along at a fair pace and the chapters all end on an event. The dismissal by the father seemed a bit sudden, but punch was well described. Maybe they could be separated by events rather than just dismissed? This would also give a stronger motivation to Olwud, rather than being summararily banished. Thought there may be more about his immediate needs i.e. hunger etc. Not sure about bliddy? Maybe another modifier based on the world he is in. e.g. What on earth (substitute name of land). All in all though a good start.

Hope this is of some help. All the best and good luck
GP Morgan

Yeah, I agreee with Peri, Pictures would make this book, but I have to say it's not bad anyway, great imagination and the characters are believable( in a Child's imagination that is) all the names are great and I can see why you did so well...

Congratulations on the review!

Grats on the Editor review!!

Well done! And you did it on merit and skill........unlike others on this website who email everyone online saying "back me. read my book."
Good luck with it sweetheart.

Hi David, I agree with everything other commenters said about Green Ore. Personally, it reminds me of the fairytales I read in Europe - Hans. C. Anderson stories in the raw, before Disney sugarcoated them.

It would be wonderful if your book had some pictures even though it is quite long....I think they would complete the book and the age group would really appreciate them. It's just a thought, of course, Artists are hard to find and expensive.
I made it to ch.7 in one read and I'll be back to read more...
P.

David; well-written, smooth reading adventure; no stopping. Backed.
Marty

A giant’s fresh footprint, not one but seven, heading straight for 12-year old Olwud’s home. The action begins immediately for the adolescent.

You create a mythic world easily moving forward with a spare yet evocative style as Olwud begins a mythic journey of giant tracking.

Polished style and enjoyable read.

Backed and good luck.
Galen Watson
The Psalter

Powerful, and I enjoyed reading.. Shelved.

I love the world you've created here. Very imaginitive and intriguing. There are a few grammantical errors, but nothing major. Best of luck with this!
PK Hrezo (the 49th Parallel)

best wishes for the top 5

your book comes alive within the very first paragraph. I see you have put a lot of heart into this first chapter. You have a pretty distinct voice all your own. You describe things well and make it easy for anyone - young or old to imagine what is happening. Great job.

David,
Fantasy and YA are not my genres of choice. Setting that aside, I was impressed with your writing ability and became involved with the characters and the mystery of the giants from CH 1 onward. The descriptions were lovely and the characters' feelings engaging.

I think the greatest praise would be that it is the type of book I would read to my children. Keep up the good work.

Alan-Time of the Avatar

Have put you on my shelf as promised - Chris1

Hi David,
I'm not into young adult fiction, so wasn't sure when I started reading, but have to say, I like the style of your writing and your use of visual adjectives (eg. squelched up the hill) and the hook of the giant footprints everywhere. I was immediately in the story. I've put it on my bookshelf for these reasons. Good luck
Ruth

The mystery of the giants and the question of why Olwud is sent away make for an interesting start. The background and culture are well developed, it feels realistic. Very readable, leaves me wanting to know what happens next - which is the crucial test of any story! On my shelf for a while.
Paul T.

Hi David. I've read the first six chapters. Usually, I only do three but when I reached the end of Ch 5 I wanted to make sure Judd was okay and read on. This is a good sign. I found myself caring about the characters and how they get through this journey that, on the discovery of the pool, seems to be turning into a quest/rite of passage for Olwud.

This has the makings of a classic magical tale up there with the greats. I was already visualising it as a Disney film etc. Jonathan Woss weviewing it on 'Film 2010' all that stuff. This is one of the books I'll keep on my WL to finish the read. Keep on with it. It's on the shelf in a day or two (in time for the editor's desk! Chris1

Hi David. I've read the first six chapters. Usually, I only do three but when I reached the end of Ch 5 I wanted to make sure Judd was okay and read on. This is a good sign. I found myself caring about the characters and how they get through this journey that, on the discovery of the pool, seems to be turning into a quest/rite of passage for Olwud.

This has the makings of a classic magical tale up there with the greats. I was already visualising it as a Disney film etc. Jonathan Woss weviewing it on 'Film 2010' all that stuff. This is one of the books I'll keep on my WL to finish the read. Keep on with it. It's on the shelf! Chris1

Have read everything posted here.Love the crook growing out of the road. My kind of imagery. The giants are scary fun – again, I like the image of marble-like skin. Judd is great, hope he survives to the end ! Graphic description of the plague’s effects too.

A journey, conflict with his father, magic and only 12 years old - it all sounds like a fun packed adventure when his dad - rather horribly - chases him from his house after a visit from the giants! Rather then find a friendly neighbour the plucky lad takes his dog and sets out into the wilderness with barely a back ward glance. It is only as he starts to travel that the reader becomes aware of how self reliant he is, carrying his own 'medical spider web', buying his sheep shears - at which point he starts to become believable as a hero. Particularly when we get the hint about Judd who then also finds the 'green bubbly pool' which leads him to a self realisation moment - he will use his knowledge to save the people. You have planted lots of mysteries, why the homestead burns, why the giants are marching, why is father and his secrets and you have also succeeded in creating a whole new world with new 'things' that are just similiar enough or maybe I mean familiair enough(?) to be 'believable' in the fantasy genre(although I am no expert here) without having to start making up and explaining totally new ideas. I imagine this is a very helpful trick when writing for young readers. Your pace is very good - but from my limited knowledge I think perhaps he might need to make more mistakes, get into a bit more trouble in each chapter, maybe not get the right number of squirrels - I rememember somebody telling me(a young person) that the reason for Harry Potter doing so well is that something happens in every chapter, as well as all of the other stuff - screen setting, friends, travel. Best of luck with the editors desk.

I already backed your book, but I hadn't commented yet. First, I wanted to say that me and my 9 year old son would both really enjoy this book, which is great in itself since we do have an age gap between us.
You know how to capture your reader in the very beginning of the book too which is what you have to do for a book for the younger generation, it's great. I love the boy and dog relationships also. Love it! Good luck!

Kristin

Hi David,

I'm just getting started on your book but wanted to comment on Chapter One because it might be some time before I get to others. You've really set up the suspense to make me want to continue! I cringed and felt so bad for the boy who's father had to resort to hitting him to make him leave. You're good at eliciting the emotions. The only nitpick I saw was when you referred to the dog for the first time. I think I would find a more creative way to work in the dog's breed and job. Other than that, I think it's great and can't wait to see what happens next.

Madison Woods - Retribution

Reading this was a lot like playing a game on a console. It evokes the same kind of feeling of danger and adventure that one feels playing these games. I am sure kids of all ages will love it.
Hope you enjoy 'Emails from an Irish Mother'.
Helen

Very readable and nicely paced. The writing itself is clean and very accessible. Backed.

Hi David,
A brilliant start to the novel which really draws the reader in. A fantasy that'll be great for all ages. Well done!
Best wishes and good luck!
Eva
Here Comes the Summer

Hi. This has the workings of a traditional children's fantasy story. It has the potential to do very well, as shown by your high rankings in the list! I'll admit that I usually don't read beyond chapter 1 or 2, as I am usually working, so a story has to really capture my imagination. I am very intrigued by yours!
Shelved.

Tifa
x

A good old fashioned adventure, this one. The scene with the lone wolf is especially well written.

Hi David
Green Ore is a simply delightful book. The story you set up extremely well and promises lots of action, twists, turns and conflicts. You tell it simply and with crystal clarity. A fabulous book for young readers. If HC don't snatch it, other publishers surely will.

Just a small suggestion. I think you're absolutely right to have Olwud speak in modern(-ish) vernacular. But at one point he says to his dog, 'what say you'. For consistency, should he say, 'what d'you say'?

I loved the concept of a herd of giants being lost!

Best of luck
Chris

After reading the first three chapters, I recognize that you have great writing talent. I like your descriptions and the style of your prose. I must admit, I'm more into scifi than fantasy. For me, the first two chapters moved the plot along nicely, but the third chapter didn't seem all that important. Maybe try speeding things up to the part where the city is burning.

Adding a couple of elements might enhance your story. Olwud seems very calm for a boy who has been forced to leave his home and venture out with only his dog. Why is that? Isn't he afraid of violent adults, starving or losing control of the flock? Some vulnerability would be good. You may even consider dealing him an early set back, such as a sheep getting killed when Judd leaves the flock to help him.

You've already come a long way. Keep working and this could be something special.

David, thanks for this, one of the truly great pieces here. I think my biggest compliment is that you've taken something so foreign, like this magical place and set of characters, and made them feel easy and natural. I'm not usually drawn to stories that have a fairy feel to them, partly because I think the author spends too much effort trying to make it feel like somewhere else instead of just the opposite - making it feel like home. You've done it well and immdeiately drawn me in, so a pleasure to back with integrity and all my best wishes. Jason (Little Universe and Jim's Life)