Echoes of the Hunted (A completed Novel)

Hi Rian,

I really enjoyed reading your first chapter. I loved the last line! It's scary, intriguing and gets you hooked. It's everything you are afraid will happen to your daughter! Andy is a great double edged character and suitably nasty with it. A great read. Backed.

Sara

Hi Rian. Wonderful, scary beginning to the story, which really sets the reader up for what is to come. A coming of age tale with a big difference. I'm up to chapter 5 and enjoying it hugely. Shelved. Nicky.

This is excellent writing, a youthful voice, a dangerous premise, great description and a shocking setup. Really pulls the reader in. I shelved this a while ago...but came back to read more. Best of luck with it!!!

Hi Rian, wonderful! I was gripped from the very beginning. Backed with pleasure. Deserves to do well.
Kristen Stone
Kianda Mala - The Monkey Man.

Hi Rian

Great pitch, thoroughly enjoyed the first couple of chapters. Backed.

Good luck
Cerys (Gabriel)

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

I was pleasantly surprised when I read this. The story exudes mystery and the characters are great. You give the right amount of information to keep us reading as well as keeping the secrets of the book, it's quite fustrating at times as they seem to come across this issue of Ellia dying for them so many times, which gives a sense of inevitability, yet we still don't know why. The characters are complex and interesting, but I do find it slightly odd of how Ellia goes out of her way to be un-noticed; I can see that it's part of her personality, however, I really don't think that alone would be enough to make her that way. The misunderstanding between her and Nicholas is hilarious (although it's probably not meant to be), but I think this gives people a sense of normality.

Thank you very much and I wish you the best of luck.

Great gripping start, left me wanting more.

Then introducing Ellia and her visions, what do they all mean? This alone would have me reading on but add some romance to the mix and I would be anxiously turning the pages.

Perfect story for the YA market and although I don't fit into this category I would enjoy it too. Your ability in keeping the suspense going, have me wanting more, is very well done.

Backed

Jo xx

Spoilt

Hey Rian,
Fantastic beginning! This is creepy and chilling and dark, and I loved it right away. I think all other lovers of YA will, too. I think the voice is great, as is the imagery. Ellia is very likable, and readers will identify with her/want to be her. The suspense is great-- I want to read on, but my bed is calling. Happily shelved and I'm looking forward to reading more!

A well written, interesting story.

Shelved!

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter, Charlottesville and The Mystic Garden

I have to admit, every chapter you post seems to get better and better lol I love your prose. Although you're writing from the perspective of teenagers, the characters' voice comes off very adult, poetic even. I look forward to future updates.

~Em

Gothic teen fantasy noir, which is so well written that an adult like me found it to be addictive reading. I am only at the end of chapter two and I am hooked. Your writing style is so strong and effortless that I feel as though I have been watching a movie.

Bloody brilliant.
Shelved.

This synopsis mighty intriguing on my watchlist and I WILL read soon.

I really enjoyed reading this, Rian. It is full of intrigue at the outset and makes you want to read more. No nitpicks from me. Shelved and good luck.

Mike

Hello Rian,

Not usually my genre, but I enjoyed reading!

Good dialogue, nice pace.
Good luck - it's on my shelf
Noony

Rian,
this was wonderful. I love it. I would definalty pick this book up in a store (its generally the type of title i go for) and buy it in a heartbeat. The short and long synopsies made me want to read it even more!
I will be watching this book!
The only thing i have to construct on it that i believe you can have a cover that better shows the intriquacy and talent showcased in your writing. If youd like, i would be more than willing to help. If not, thats fine aswell.
Bridget Bergman
(Love's Game)

Creepy! And only good writing can make something so enormously creepy! The whole sacrificial virgin thing is very effective, evoking all sorts of deepseeded emotions! And the tension was just enough without being too much. Well done!

Shelved!

Shawnette

Hi Rian

I've read three chapters, and you have a great MC in Ellia. She's perfect as a sensitive, but down-to-earth girl who would hate the title 'heroine'. The line about her eyes - 'Where there's smoke, there's fire' - is exactly the kind of comment that would send a young girl scurrying for the anonymous comfort of baggy clothes and frumpy glasses. Her friend, Kiryn, provides a necessary link for her to the so-called normal world of teens and make-up and dating and together they form a very likeable pair.

The conversations in the Giz and Moe's Pizza restaurant between Ellia and Kiryn are great and Ellia has a sense of humour and observation beyond her years that I really liked.

The writing is very smooth and flows well, but I found that the italicized words started to irritate a little bit - they're great for showing Ellia's thoughts/inner dialogue, but they crop up in the narrative, telling the reader where to place the emphasis. Any reader will be gripped by this story, and know where the emphasis is without being told.

I sincerely hope the horrible girl in the pizza restaurant (I disliked her so much that I've blanked out her name! Sandra?) becomes one of the victims. Let that be a lesson to her and her nasty friends!

This is urban fantasy for young and not-so-young adults at its best and darkest. I shall make a well-deserved space for it on my shelf, and I shall probably have to sleep with the lights on.

Best wishes
Amerynthe
The Living and The Dead

Hi Rian

What a great first chapter! You have really done the business creating this bad guy. Already I want to grab a crucifix, fill up a bottle of holy water, raise the villagers and go hunt him down. (Yep, I'm the dad of a sixteen year old!)

Great writing. Really nothing I could say that would improve this so, I'll just shelve it.

Cheers
Bill

Wow! Chills, chills, chills. I like the concepts of dark and light, good and evil. I've always been more of a person wanting a clear definition of who is good and who is evil, but some loss of self along the way. I really enjoyed Echoes of the Hunted. Shelved.
Later days,
Kenny

Yes, I HAVE read this before. It's a great paranormal thriller and some scenese are just burned in my memory, the opening as well as the yellow eyed man hanging from the tree.

No nitpicks at all. This is so tightly written, great characterization and descriptions. I must have shelved it before and glad to shelve again.

Dania (The It! Refugee)

Just finished reading ch1. I know for sure I've read this before. Maybe it was early days when I was too shy to read or back a book? Anyway, just saying this is one of the best opening chapters I've read on here. Reading on

Hi Rian. Wonderful, scary beginning to the story, which really sets the reader up for what is to come. A coming of age tale with a big difference. I'm up to chapter 5 and enjoying it hugely. Shelved. Nicky.

Dear Rian, A terrific story with a highly unusual protagonist: Ellia is highly intelligent, reasonable, knowledgeable, attractive, and even trained in the martial arts, but she conceals her assets almost as if she were ashamed of them—or as if she were some sort of uncover agent.

I’m touched by her close relationship with Kiryn, and I like how you use her as Ellia’s foil and as the source of information on the Otherkind—and imaginative and frightening concept. This is a superb fantasy, but it’s also successful when you’re being realistic, as when you bring in Sandra and have her act the role of spoiled brat—every school has at least one. I admire Ellia’s Zen-like attitude in face of such provocation: that makes her even more amazing—she’s not yet sixteen biologically, but psychologically she’s far more mature than most adults.

The writing here, especially when you describe Ellia’s visions, is wonderfully evocative: a reader with any sensitivity will be as terrified as she is. I also admire how you interject hints of symbolism into what she sees to connect her visions to the serial killing of sixteen-year-old girls, with one exception. I’m far enough along to realize that the Otherkind are actually responsible for the ritualistic murders and for what’s happening to Ellia, and I know from your pitch that I have go reason to fear for her. But don’t worry: I’ll read on—I’m eager to see how these fascinating elements come together.

Hugely entertaining. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Hi Rian
An unusual premise and interesting start. I like the Ellia/Kiryn scene in Ch3 where we hear about Makenzie's fate and start to get a feel for the thriller/puzzle to come. Backing this. Good luck! Anne.
(I wonder how many girls are waiting to have their 'first kiss' on their 16th birthday?)

Starts off with a bang. I don't seem to identify or sympathize with the main character yet, but hopefully that will come later. You have a knack for keeping a reader in suspense and the idea of your book is one I haven't heard of before.
Have you ever thought about writing this first person from Mackenzie's POV. It seems you have a lot of her thoughts and you could cut these itallics out if you rewrote it from her perspective.
That is only if she lives through the book....

Hopefully I can get back to read a few more chapters.

T.L. Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hi Rian,

I really enjoyed reading your first chapter. I loved the last line! It's scary, intriguing and gets you hooked. It's everything you are afraid will happen to your daughter! Andy is a great double edged character and suitably nasty with it. A great read. Backed.

Sara

wow that was so intense! I LOVED IT! it's actually late on my end so i was like "ok a quick read and ill be off to bed" but i just could not stop reading. it was that amazing! You are so talented, I can't emphasize that enough. This was such an enjoyable read; probably one of the best on this site. i'd be a fool not to shelve this.
-Cara

This gets off to a fast, chilling start. The writing is polished, professional. The prologue takes us from Mackenzie's almost giddy anticipation of her first kiss with Andy, to a tense, foreboding sense of fear that this is not going as planned. I see that others have commented on the length of the prologue, but I was completely caught up in it, and never thought of it as too long. It's an excellent prologue.

We then get to Ellia's "hallucination" in chapter two, and by that time, it's already a page turner.
Very strong, and I'm backing.
Mark

Oh wow! This was really exciting and scary. I actually flinched when she stepped on the cat. I love the way you structured this with Mackenzie following the paper trail. Reminds me of Hansel and Gretel, only in reverse. It keeps the reader moving right along with the character, wondering along with her what will be at the end of the treasure hunt. I suspected it would be something scary, but then again, maybe not. I wasn't sure and that little bit of uncertainty kept me reading, literally on the edge of my seat.

Here's just a thought-- I think the very first paragraph wasn't needed. There was nothing wrong with it but the sentence about something rustling in the bushes would make an awesome opening hook. You could just tweak the next paragraph to mention Mackenzie's name somewhere. That paragraph gives the reader all the info they need. She stole away from her own sweet 16 party and her best friend was going to cover. Don't really need the info about opening the presents and stuff.

I was in such a hurry to come and read this, I skipped the summary. I went back to read it, so now I realize this character isn't the main one, so now I'm really scared for her. lol.

Great job with this opening chapter. I'll definitely put this on my shelf.

Rian

Mackenzie going to Andy - Oooo – nice sentence: “it didn’t hurt enough to matter”. GREAT treasure hunt, I can feel how excited she is. Oh no! Pleasure to pain in an instant of a dying cell phone battery. Stellar!

A faint laugh came from the darkness. (Good) I’d cut out “It didn’t sound like a happy laugh” Just bleed straight into “it had an edge of mockery to it.: Mmmm even though she’s a little tipsy – shouldn’t she be a little more afraid than dreamy?

Wow – what a twist – run!! It’s him.

Love Ellia’s imaginary broom concept! Clever. Terrifying description of the hanging body seen through her eyes as a first time – the curiosity and naivetee pushes through. Great job. What an inner struggle. And a punchy end.

I enjoyed it, I was scared, upset and breathless at times – a couple of typos here and there, but none too serious. Well done!
Shelved
Cheers
Noony

wow, this is excellent! Please post more soon so that I can come back to find out how this all develops!

Good writing. My own little niggle about this is the first chapter seemed so long. For me, I wanna drag the reader into the story so I wanna go quick in the first chapter. The best comment I got? That the guy read 5 chapters without realizing it. Just my opinion. SHELVED!

JC
The Obergemau File

Hi Rian

Wow, this was rivetting. Scary stuff, definitely think you should add horror to your tags.

Great premise, your pitch was good, made me want to read it of course.

I think the sweet romantic start slides smoothly into the tension and builds really well until it is not just tension but terror. Well done on doing that without being over the top. There is a temptation with this type of writing to go too far with the horror and then it is almost a cartoonish, you know, too much. You have a great balance here....it's gruesome and scary with a real sense of menace. Stephen King does this well and Dean Koontz. I get a similar feel here, especially with the cat.

I really like it, I love a good scare.

2 nitpicks

In your first par you seem to have missed a word. 'a couple girls' maybe should read 'a couple OF girls'.

And, I'm not sure if the word 'dreamily' in the par where she says 'dreamily anticipate rescuing'....rings true. I'm not sure she would have calmed down from being scared enough to be dreamy. Especially as she is still alone and still in the dark which she hates. Unless she is dreamy becasue of the alcohol....in that case maybe another word might clarify it better...maybe 'drowsy' or 'drowsily'...this implies a dreamy sate but also that there could be something in the drink.

Like I said,,,two TINY nitpicks..... :) Otherwise this is great.

Shelved of course :)

Rachael

Rian

Thanks for the swap. I made notes as I went, so they may appear a tad disjointed.

I like the opening paragraph of your pitch.
And the bullet points ‘Living treasure...’ etc. are very effective, but is there too much information here? This is YA.

A kid having her first drink – this is interesting characterisation. And the notes had an effect on me – each one pulled at my curiosity and I took a step further into the story. Brilliant.
Mackenzie is likeable. A worthy protag. You get the reader empathising with her quite intensely through the panicked situation she’s in during the prologue.
And the end of chapter hook works beautifully, I have to read on…

This plays like a film in my head as I read. I like it!
Shelved with my best wishes.
Thanks for the read,
David
Green Ore

the diamond earrings hidden behind the laundry is a very nice touch. it gives us a whole context for the mother/daughter relationship.

'more than anything else combined' might be better without 'combined'

the heart trail and the gradual build up of threat is very effective. i am putting this on my shelf and wish you luck.
xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

The first chapter certainly is intense! So much going on behind the scenes, I'm quite curious to see how it all works out in the end.

The term "humanlike" in your pitch bothered me. It's not a real word, for one thing. (Or at least my spell check says it isn't.) I'm fairly certain it should be two words, human-like. And even that seems a bit odd to me. Maybe there's something else you can call these beings? "An inhuman species" perhaps? Just a suggestion, to take or leave. :)

OK, to get the bitching out of the way -- I noticed a couple of instances of odd comma usage. Nothing a half-decent copy edit won't fix, and that is what they pay editors for, after all.

Now that I've said that -- I just effing love this. I wasn't in from the get-go. . . I was thinking "Oh, girl goes out to meet her boyfriend for a kiss. How sweet. How very, very boring." (I make it a point not to read the pitches first on a swap -- don't want to prejudice my opinion.) When the howling and the laughing started, though, I was hooked. You created a great, spooky scene and kept us in it, then really delivered on the end of the first chapter. I'm planning to read the rest when I have time, but it's on my shelf regardless.

Echoes of the Hunted--
Rian,
WOW....what an opening... I was riveted.... talking outloud and yelling at her to turn around. Truely captivating.
This is really good. My kind of read. I hope it gets better. I don't have time to continue reading but for sure I will be back. I love YA books...I would love your opinion of mine... seriously.
I'm so impressed I can't nitpick anything. It was fabulous.
I'll be back to read more...
Shelved for sure!
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift

Hi Rian!

I'm here for my 15 minute recip. I really like your pitch - if we hadn't agreed to swap and I'd just stumbled upon this, I would definitely stop and take a look based on the summary. I did have one niggle with it though - "friendly manipulations" sounds less ominous then I think it's supposed to be. I see that phrase applying to things like my family bribing me with chocolate if I shut down the computer... ; )

The first chapter was certainly mood setting - I might suggest playing a bit with the opening paragraphs (I got the sense in the first paragraph that she was there against her will, so it took me a minute to adjust to the fact that she was excited about this adventure), but other than that, you did a great job with the pacing, and pulling us into the story that at first seems so romantic, but turns oh so wrong...

Well done, and welcome to my shelf!

~Traci

I was very impressed with this chapter. The tension builds up quickly and you kept me guessing (and reading). I wasn't quite sure of what was going on, which means you have hit an original note with your narrative. I'm happy to back your book.

You have a great opening here and your first chapter matched it wonderfully! I could easily see myself purchasing this at a bookstore! Very nice work and Shelved!

Hi Rian, Well, I thought I'd make a start anyway. I'm going to be pretty picky, but I think that's what you want. I know I liked your book last time so here goes:
I think I'd rework your sentence to read: "...but what she wanted more than anything, was at the end of the marked trail." Just my take on it.,
Maybe "...she wanted to tell anyone who had ears..."
You say, "with a sigh, she removed her heels" which makes it sound as though she's tired of the chase already. Maybe an excited grin tweaks at her mouth as she removes her heels.
I think the sentence that begins, "Because she didn't want to waste..." is a little redundant becasue you show us this straight after.
Personally, I'd take out the 'hopefully' and any suggestion that her hopes may be in vain. Let her believe. We may see the betrayal in the distance, but if she does, she could come off as shallow, or worse, stupid.
You've numerated the rest of the hearts. Why not the eighth? Or did you leave the 'h' off intentionally?
Maybe he had to pee? I think the doubt would be with her. Maybe she'd gone the wrong way. And maybe he had to pee sounds a little crass for new love.
Oh, I see you've done the self doubt thing. Good. But take out the pee thing.
Take out "What am I going to do?" It's not needed.
Plopped to the ground makes it sound like it fell in water. Maybe thudded to the ground or maybe just fell to the ground.
Lovely feeling of forboding. You've hit that well.
the ground seemed to vanish is a little weak - The ground vanished beneath her.
Hm, I didn't like this guy from the beginning. And you've brought him out nicely.
Now he's running off at the mouth. Take out some of his explanation. Show us how dangerous he is, and not with words.
And wow, what an end to the chapter.
Excellent work. You really did pull this off. I can see you've put a lot of work in and it's been worth it.
Cealarenne
THE GUARDIAN OF LESSER THINGS

the opening is brilliant, really.

i haven't read your previous comments but i'm sure many will point to the magical way you weave love and romantic touches with terror.. the buildup is great, little sinister hints all the way through.. a real achievement..

in ch 13 i spotted a sl strange usage, "so, CAN.." etc

you are good at dialogue, too, so i am backing this straight away for its excellent mixes, spooky, romantic, mundane, horrific..

i am backing this now and wish you well with it.

freddie
("honour")

This is a powerful first chapter. It hooks very well and the trangression from happy birthday to cruel knocks and finally the hunt is on is superbly crafted.
The dialogue is excellent and the prose flowing.
No nit picks. it's an exciting read,
Best of luck with it.
Shelved.
Fred (Swords across the Rhenus)

Lots of drama and suspense. I like Ellia a lot,. Plenty of hooks to keep reading. There were a few errors I noticed (by instead of buy, etc.) Shelved.

Chapter 3 notes:

This is a good chapter too, but the dialogue at the end could use some trimming to pick up the pace.

Instead of "looked with disdain" at the beginning, try something like frowned. You used disdain in a similar manner in the last chapter.

hippies-turned-college-professor parents

Awesome first two chapters, Rain. Spectacular and gripping now. I liked how you inserted the same images as what you had in the dream, but it's a hallucination instead. Now no one can complain about you using a dream sequence early on. With her waflling and wondering, it pulls us right into the scene.

Oh my gosh..Hooked or what? Ive read 4 chapters and I will be back for more. This is one of the most gripping books I have read on here for a while..

Read the first two chapters. Boy, the girls don't fair too well. Lots of action and suspense. You really know how to keep someone on the edge of their seat. Backed C.P

Dear Rian,

Strong opening. You make the reader immediately ask the question, "Why is she out in the dark if she's uncomfortable?" Readers now need to continue, to find out.

Makenzie and Marla: two names that both start with a "M," as well as the 2nd letter being an "a." A reader's eye does a shorthand, recognizing the architecture of the word. Strongly suggest you change one of the names. It actually does cause confusion; at best, it asks an additional effort of the reader to concentrate all the more.

Love the Hansel and Gretel following crumbs in the forest device. Lends to a highly dramatic scenario.

"removed her heels" unfortunately, gives a visual that she's taking off a part of her feet. And sighs are odd: exasperation, happiness, discomfort … perhaps another word that's more specific to the emotion you wish to convey?

M's adorable, wanting to swirl the wine like an adult.

Look at the paragraph starting "The wine …" there's some repetition on how Andy treats her.
Re the ring box, you mention "back of the lid." Lid?
Nice bit about her hands shaking.

Can you give us "short dark hair" sooner, when first describing Andy? Better that we see him before we make up our own version of his looks; also, the story's gaining pace and tension here – "short dark hair" interrupts the flow.

In the dead cat paragraph: two "force" words.

Nice idea, keeping her still concerned about romance with Andy, that the vomit would make her mouth less acceptable for her first kiss. That is, after all, her priority!

Boys have full rosy lips?
It's dark; can she really see dirt filling her open skin? She might feel the grit, however. She can feel, taste the salty tears, but POV, she can't see them on herself.
Why does she put her hand on her throat when she backs away?

Don't think you need "her heart sank in sadness then terror" – a bit awkward. Suggest an edit, ie, "When she looked back up at his face, his eyes had transformed …"

Where's the external light coming from? The moon? She can see his face, his eyes light up, yet there still in that dark revene. Maybe bring in a moon that came out from the clouds?

This is a marvelous first chapter, a twist on the damsel in distress theme. Her prince turning into a monster. Excellent work, keeping the tension palpable. Makenzie is a lovely character, causing the reader to care. Happy to shelve!

Now! We come on this site to learn and help others learn. I was just schooled. I have read some great works on here but you, you just raised the bar. get this book out there. It is rivetting, well crafted, well written. I am not saying this to make you feel good either. You are cruel in your suspense and I love it.

This is excellent writing, a youthful voice, a dangerous premise, great description and a shocking setup. Really pulls the reader in. I shelved this a while ago...but came back to read more. Best of luck with it!!!