FORTUNE CALLS

Fortune Calls is an ambitious novel addressing both a tumultuous period of German history and life in colonial Africa. I found the book gripping and well written with a strong narrative flow making an easy read. I'm happy to back this.
For the editor, I would suggest toning down some of the geographical expertise [listing of the Germanic tribes and their slaves in C1, the geography lesson on Cameroun in C2] - these slowed the pace right down and could be streamlined IMHO without compromising the story at all. A bit more emotion would be good in the political speech in C1 - the Nazis were nothing if not good barnstormers in their rallies and speeches on the stump - and I felt rather distant from it all because of the 'observer' point of view. Have you considered doing the whole of C! from Hans' pov? This might get the reader more involved and add pace/ tension. Lastly look hard at the consistency of your idiom - in places you seem to stray from the 1930's German frame of reference ['Why aren't you guys seeing each other again?']. Minor issues and easy to fix! All the best.

I was attracted to this becuase I am writing a piece of the same time in Germany, the DAy the Flwoers Died and I love your inclusion of so much history and information. Your descriptions are palatable and your dialogue leaves me in the feeling of the time. Though some of hte wording I would change for effect, to use an older language possibly?

Hello Janvier. I admire you for tackling this subject, and researching the period, as you have obviously done. This is a tale worth telling, and I shall back you for that reason. However, there are a couple of critical points that I wish to make. Firstly, there are a number of typing errors in each chapter that should be corrected. Secondly, Some of the words you use I consider to be modern, and their use detracts from the sense of period. For instance, 'guys' and 'racist' are not words that I associate with thirties Europe. Good luck.
By the way, 'Who Killed Clarissa?' is also set in the thirties.

Janvier,

I just finished Fortune Calls. You have a good premise and interesting protagonist--and goodness knows, you did some heavy research on this one! Good job.

I am assuming that this book is not complete--that you will pick up the story when Hans gets to Africa. My major problem with the first six chapters was the pacing. The story moved too quickly. Parts of it seemed like I was reading an encyclopedia and other parts sounded like I was listening to a political sermon. I think you could improve things by mixing in more action between the dialog and cutting out the lengthy sections of Hans' internal musings. I felt that the strongest sections of writing were Hans's interaction with Aurora, and Hans's father's relationship with his employee examined in chapter six. If you could get the same type of natural flow for the rest of the book, I think you would have something special.

As a History teacher the topic appeals to me and i found the writing very slick. Gald to see that you are doing well with this.

Read a couple of chapters of Fortune Calls. Found it interesting. I'm always inpressed by writers who spend so much time in research. The dedication comes through in their story. Will keep it on my "watch" list.
Charlotte

Read a couple of chapters of Fortune Calls. Found it interesting. I'm always inpressed by writers who spend so much time in research. The dedication comes through in their story. Will keep it on my "watch" list.
Charlotte

Wow, you can really see who has done their history homework!
Great premise, wonderful writing. Awesome hook in your first chapter.
My only pet peeve with your work, and it may be mine alone:
Put tag lines after the first or, at the very latest, the second comment in a long dialogued paragraph, otherwise the reader isn't sure who is speaking until the end of what may be long speech.
Good work! You are hereby shelved.
Best,
Leslie Tall Manning (aka Lellie)
"Knock'n on Wood"

You have sensitively created philosophical characters in a very troubled period in history. I found the relationships between the characters to be really well envisaged. I was also drawn in by Hans and Aurora's discussion of their mixed heritage. They feel they have to choose between different origins. This problematic is something that many people can relate to today, including myself.

Miranda

Hi just finished reading your six chapters. Except for chapter 6 (due to the different typing styles and font sizes) I thought that the story flowed very well. Chapter 6 is a little long winded but it does capture the essence of Han's arrival. Overall I think it is well written and look forward to reading the rest. Your book addresses many topical issues, racism, nazism, mixed race, step families and ideals that cause divisions in friendships. It is filled with a wealth of history and knowledge which is very interesting for people like myself who know little of the history of Germany. You have dealt well with the sensitive subject of Hitler and given insight into what it may have been like for Jews and those of mixed race to live under such a tyrant. Your characters are easy to relate to.
There are a few errors I picked up:
Chapter 1 armpit should be armpits.
Chapter 4 civilize should be civilized
Chapter 5 "Oh common.." should be come on or c'mon
Other than these minor errors I don't know where Hans is going to end up but I can't wait to find out. Backed!!!

Hi Janvier,
Since you requested a comment before the end of the month :-), I've quickly gone through the first 3 chapters - but do want to come back one day and read your Fortune Calls a little slower and read more chapters. The subject matter has always intrigued me, but I'm a big YA reader so I know your book needs more justice from me.

That said, I have the following: your prologue was so 'in your face' I had to read more but to 'soften it' (which I don't think you'd want to do) I'd swap the last line to be the first and so warn people that it's a 'quote'. Chpt 1 drew me in - and perhaps some useful/less information - Arayan goes even further back into the East (the swastika and name) (but perhaps I have my dates confused as I'm not sure if the Masters/East or Assyrians came first - not a history buff myself but am philiosophical).
Chpt2 - I'd change 'get' in to 'go' in. And you lost me a little when there was suddenly lots of talking/words between Hans and his grandmother (do you do scriptwriting?) and action only before and after. You got it very right however in Chpt3.
So, will add to my bookshelf and try come read some more sometime later,
Well done on tackling such a sensative but incredible subject.
Ta - K

Janvier
I like your other book Flash of the Sun so I came to see what else you have on offer.
What I found is touching and intelligent.
After living in Germany last year I had to have a delve into this interesting read.
I will echo Thomas Sharkey's comment (below) ref: 'you guys.'
But in all, I like it!
Shelved
David
Green Ore

I love history, it is refreshing to get a different perspective through Han's eyes. Kudos! It seems as if the second books are always neglected. :-(

I know from your other book that you've a good understanding of anthropology and ethnology (regarding Cameroon, at least,) so having Ulbricht bring up Assyria as an ancestor of Germany is surprising—the Huns are bad enough. Are you going to reveal his ignorance later?

Dai

Janvier,

Your opening is very strong. The story idea is fascinating, but I found myself yearning for a more engaging plot. I know that the period is before the "Night of Broken Glass", but I was looking for more tension and danger. I'm looking forward to reading how Han fares in Africa.

Read it and liked it. Would appreciate it if you would read mine.

Hi Janvier, i love the dialogue and your command of time and place, the sense of unease at the rise of Nazism, the schism in the main character, a man with two bloodlines, both unacceptable to the new regime. Aurora is a powerful character and Hans starts to take shape in the second and third chapter, if I could advise you on anything it would be to remove the section describing Cameroun (end of 2nd Chapter) and bring it in at a later date, perhaps replace it with a description of Groningstrasse and its inhabitants in the 1930s, other than that minor quibble I find Fortune Calls an extremely accomplished peace of writing I shall be reading through to the end...well done...

You certainly know what you are writing about. The dialogue is good esp. the conversation with the grandmother. I would suggest you avoid using adverbs as too many take away from the power of the writing. There is some awkward phrasing so I suggest you read it aloud to pinpoint these. Overall though this is very well written. Shelved

Comments on Chapters 1 and 2...

It's a clever way of introducing us to the era and issues, the use of the speech in the first chapter. Just be sure to make it seem like a natural thing, rather than an excuse to dump information on us. the same in the second chapter where Hans opens the book. *I* know what you're doing, no matter how you do it, but you can make it more elegant and natural sounding for the ordinary reader.

I noticed a couple of awkward phrases in the second, chapter, perhaps indicative of using English as a second language? Nothing too bad, and nothing that many native speakers would do far, far worse. Perhaps get a native speaker to go over it for you. If I'm wrong about it, then I apologise - there were only a couple of instances where I felt that way; the rest was perfect.

Time precludes me from reading further, but it seems a well written opening with a worthy theme, so I'll give it a run on my shelf, and best wishes.

Regards,

TomW

This is an interesting take on Nazi Germany and you have an involving tale to tell, but be cautious about giving too much of a history lesson. I would pare down the opening speech to a few incendiary remarks. Have him close the book sooner. My mantra is less is more. Your dialogue is good, but 'there you go again' strikes me as American slang. Maybe a different rhythm to the speech patterns. Plain words. I would also be cautious of the use of adverbs "slightly despondent', despondent to me means suicidal;and the word 'suddenly', "an emotion suddenly gripped him'. Adverbs too often for me deflate the power of words. "an emotion gripped him' , 'to grip' is a sudden gesture in and of itself. I'll be reading more of this story set in this fascinating time.---John

This is not usually my preferred reading style, but it is really well executed and feels assured....once it gets going.... would be my only issue: the first chapter drags a little for me. However I will read on as it has me well hooked now.
Shelved

This is as well written as the other one. The only part that threw me for a moment was when Hans called his grandmother "Granny" and referred to a child as a "kid" later on. My grandparents came from Germany prior to WW II, and those were not words used by them. I think a simple "Grandmother" would fit the time period a little more. The book, once again, shows your research into the history of the time period and the upheaval that was beginning in Germany at the time.

Your books are not my usual style of reading....but I have enjoyed both of them immensly.

A lot of this is down to your style of writing, you draw the reader in, wanting to know more. (Have to say I wasn't expecting the Hans and Aurora revelation at the end of chapter 2 - great hook into the next chapter)

The dialogue between Hans and Aurora in chapter 3 is exceptionally good - it made me really think about their dilemma - it's also more profound when it is set against the backdrop of WW2.

Happy to shelve another of your fab books!!

Love Bev x

Excellent Janvier
I was hooked after reading the first page of Fortune Calls.
Bookshelved

c u in the reading room

Hi Janvier,
Your pitch hints at a fascinating story to come. I like the idea of this. And this viewpoint of a mulatto in Nazi Germany feels quite original to me.

I didn't quite connect with this first scene, though, and I think there is a particular reason for that. Lorenz's speech does shock. But we don't meet the protagonist, Hans, until after the speech is over. Therefore, we are merely a fly on the wall. For all I knew (I had not read the pitch before I dove into our pages), this Lorenz could have been the main character and this story would take a path altogether. I would highly recommend a rewrite of this scene so that we begin with Hans and "show" us why he is there (as opposed to the narration telling us, which is less immediate). Then launch into the speech, and let us hear it through Han's ears (through his biased filter). That way we will instantly empathize with him as he is taking in Lorenz's words of hate.

In looking at the pitch now, I wonder if you could actually omit this opening scene and go straight for the "racist attack." I don't know how the rest of the novel is set up so that might not work, but it's just a thought that popped into my head.

I guess what I'm trying to say in my long-winded way is that I think beginning in a different place and time (earlier or later) might ratchet up the tension in this opening scene. What's missing is an action-oriented inciting incident. What the speech acts as is foreshadowing but I don't think it is enough, in and of itself, to hook the reader thoroughly.

All best to you, Janvier. And thank you for your wonderful patience. You must be an angel of a writer for your editors. =)
~Cheri

The first three chapters are quite good. They set up the possibilities of immense grief yet to come. Grief and perhaps disillusionment? I would even say it is a story of unusual properties. The main character is of Jewish, German and African descent. Quiet unusal--and in itself suggesting that great hardships are yet to be born. You can feel the tenseness of a 1930's Nazi Germany about ready to explode. The underlying hatreds--the ever present racism. My only corrective comment would be to slightly rewrite the first chapter. It is not, or it was not for me, readily apparent the MC's mixed ancestry. But it is this ancestry that become one of the cornerstones of the novel. The reader should be aware of this point almost from the very beginning.

Two chapters in and the writing is excellent. There is an authenticity to it that pulls you back and places you right in the middle of pre-Nazi Germany. In chapter 2, you may think about condensing some of the history..it went from feeling like I was reading a good story, to feeling like I was reading a text book. I'm sure some of that information is important to the story..but maybe it can be told as the story goes on, or in dialogue between two people, etc. ..something that would be a little more engaging. Otherwise, I am already looking forward to seeing where this goes. Am shelving it..

I will shelve this asap.

I really enjoyed your story. It was moving and thoughtful, and well-told. However, I think some of the sentence constructions could have been improved. For instance:
"Barren from hope" could have been better as "Bereft of hope", unless you were trying to say that hope has made the country barren.

This is such a beautifully written story. Your writing style pulls the reader in and makes history reality. Shelved and wish you the best. Eric

Hello Janvier,
You have kept me interested in what I have read. I enjoy social history and I think there is potential for a good story here, from what I have looked at so far. I'm keeping it on my Watchlist until you post more. Best wishes, Margaret.

Hi Janvier,........................................................
Nillan

Thanks Nillian for pointing out those typos. I have taken a look.

All the best.

Janvier

Hi Janvier,
I have now read the first three chapters of your book. The start is very promising. I get a creepy feeling of Nazi Germany and the feel of threat. I would really want to continue reading the book.
There are a few things that I wonder about (remember that English is not my native language so I might be wrong in those details):
2nd chapter: It was then that Hans decide (decided?) to get in.
2nd chapter: "I shouldn´t you be worried?" (Why...?)
2nd chapter: "Oh! I never told you before that lost a knife I had kept..." (that I lost...?)
2nd chapter: Hans was less thorough as flipped through (as he flipped?)
3rd chapter: looking every inch of broken man (a broken man?)
Your book goes up on my shelf.
Have a lot of sunshine on you!
Nillan

Hi Janvier
a few thoughts re the start of your book. I thought you hit the ground running with your opening chapter. It's a very dynamic start and the reader is thrown straight into the action. I felt chapter two could benefit from a look at the balance of dialogue and narrative. You have long passages of dialogue barely punctuated with narrative prose then long passages of prose without dialogue. It seems uneven. On a last point - we are all continually reminded to show, not tell - ie make your point or observation through the character's action. So, for example, if granny is agile for her age, then let's see her do something that demonstrates that rather than just tell us that it's the case. I hope that's of use.
Jack Cooper

Before I comment on the text, I advise you to get an original cover to make your book stand out from the crowd. There are many books on this site with this cover and it makes them melt into the background.

Very good pitch and synopsis.

Nazi hoodlums - cut hoodlums. Their subsequent actions SHOW they are hoodlums, so the word hold back the prose. Again - in hands shaking nervously - just hands shaking. I think you should have this whole scene from the point of view of Hans, rather than the overview it is now. Obviously he disagrees, but one man caught up in a crowd being whipped up by hate is frightening. So I'd advise you to bring him in immediately.

But good work. On my watch List.

Joanna

But the