Poppy Skiffles and the Wood Twixie

Hi, just added you to my WL. I have a book of Beings too and I'm hoping my cover will be ready today - maybe you'd like to read it 'When Paintings Come to Life'?

Sweet and nicely told, but seemingly very long for a child's book. Mind you, a publisher worth it's salt could make two or three books out of it and create a mini -franchise.

J.S.Watts
A DARKER MOON

A lovely idea, Paul. I enjoyed the chapters I read 2 & 6]. I also write for children, so I know how hard it is. You have done a good job of quick pace / ideas and story line. Just watch out for the length of it, in relation to the age group you are focussing on. Best of luck.. BACKED .
I would love you to look at my book ; Paperbat Adventures. Thanks.
Jerry [paperbat]

Just read the first chapter and I loved it!
Normally I only read the first , but i want to read it all and I will. It's very good.
Well done.
If you have time can you look at mine please.
Dawn
My Friends and Me

Paul, just frigging beautiful, just love the magic in this book. I do hope you write many books in this genre of this type and make a good name for you self. BACKED with great pleasure. Best of luck with htis and future works. If you can find time to read some of mine it is non-fiction but still different. I would appreciate it and please give comments whether you like or not

Denise
'The Letter'

This is tremendously evocative and the imagery is just beautiful. I love Poppy as I'm sure her readers will. I'm equally sure they'll identify with and be appreciative of this fish out of water who at the same time is so strong she reminds me of Susan from Terry Pratchett's Hogwatch. I wish I were as strong as that monster beater.

I loved the cover also. What a wonderfully evil little bastard.

This is good stuff. I hope it does well.

I love the character of Poppy Skiffles - she is so unusual she faces rejection again and again, but still she continues to be herself. "Where would we be if things always matched? What would happen if traffic lights matched?" Her answer to wearing odd socks is fabulous!
Full to the brim of Maestifoles, Wykks, Fat lumpy Gommets and fey O'Raisles - the stuff magic is made of!
Backed with pleasure!
Hatts

I loved the title, it immediately conjured up images of magical beings. The story was also a treat, Poppy and her friends are the kind of kids other kids can relate to. I know it's not PC but this has the flavour of a better version of Enid Blyton which I wish I had had the chance to read. Keep going with it, there is a lot of potential here. Jim Darcy Serpent's Blood

Sorry Paul, I've been off line for a while. I've updated From the Fog and would love to do a book swap with you. I've only put on the first three chapters though. I will start on your book just now and let you know what I think of it soon.
Steph

This is so great! I love the cover art and the story proper does not disappoint - well crafted and so imaginative! BACKED

Liz
The Cheech Room

A beautiful story well told. There is so much to it that the young people will never lose interest. I hope this does well for you Paul, it certainly deserves to in my opinion. Good luck.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And also, Muddledydo.

This is very nicely executed. I loved your character right away, from the very first paragraph. The only critique I have is that I think some dialogue should be slipped in a little sooner than it is, but other than that, I have nothing to nitpick. Lovely so far. Backed.

Nichole White
Song of the Daystar
The Spinner's Apprentice

cute book. I like that your main character is up for adoption having just adopted a baby boy myself. Good character right off the bat.

Kathryn Roberts
FATE

i love fantasy, and used to be mad for this kind of genre when I was younger. I felt distinct elements of the Hobbit here, especially in the opening, and very positive comparisons to the film "Pan's labyrinth". I think this is brilliant, I enjoyed reading it so much! :-) I'm not sure what age group this is directed towards, I got a general sense that maybe it didn't have any particular audience, though I might be wrong. Anyway a pleasure to read this, and even more of a pleasure to back it! :-)

Not my genre I'm afraid, but I will try and comment on it. I don't know what you will make of My two books which are very different. What age group are you aiming this at? It seemed quite complex. The book did keep my interest athough I found i couldn't read to many chapters at one time. I thought the characters were very good, well thought and described and the settings were very good.

I found the storytelling jarred a bit after a while and slowed the book down, but then that is probably just me. I would've liked to learn more about the bully, the step parents and Poppies' teacher.

Having said this, I liked the fact that there was no obvious bad character until the end, I like to be teased. I loved the ending which was very well done, as a teacher there was a lot for children to discuss. Schools want good descriptions and dilemmas to use in leassons and yours is perfect fro that. My favourites bits were the scene in the doctor's surgery and the school trip. The latter was where the book sprung to life and I read 10 chapters in a row!! I could stop reading.

Would children like it? I am not sure, the length might put them off. One bit of advice. Have you thought of visiting some schools and reading it to the children? Most schools are looking for authors to inspire the children to write. Your book ticks several boxes. Always write to schools, then tend to be very busy, especially in the mornings. Dont' be upset if you are ignored, schools can be very rude. You made need to be CRB checked, I think the rules have changed recently, but I am sure schools will tell you about this. I

This one reads just right for a child's book and I can imagine it being read out loud quite a lot. Good luck

"Poppy Skiffles & The Wood Twixie" . . . . You have for sure captured my interest on this one. I am hoping that things brighten up in Poppys' life, because she really needs this.Gemma McArdie, soulds like a wondeful woman, with the insight & heart to be the kind of mother Poppy needs. I'm keeping my fingers cross as I continue to read. Very nice opening Paul. Shelved. : ) Thanks ~ Monique ~

Poppy Skiffles....
Paul,
This is really well written & I am sure your target audience will devour it. I love poppy, she hasn't had it easy. Flows great and it's a pleasant read.
Backed!
~Krista Darrach
--Riley's Gift (I'd love your opinion of my YA book)

I usually focus on the intro. of stories because that is where you have to hook your audience. If you can capture my interest in the first chapter, you've got me for the rest of the story. I must say, you have completely captured me. You character was introduced superbly and you've set up your story well. I am eager to read on and will do so. Your book is backed!

Poppy Skiffles...

When I find a book like this, I wish I had kids to read it to. I love Poppy. Can I adopt her if this family doesn't work out for her? I love the way you're merging the "fairy tale" in c. 2 with Poppy's other world. This is great stuff. I don't have a single nit...it's very good writing.

Shelved enthusiastically...and I do hope you'll find the time to comment on mine.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places, a different kind of fantasy)

This story is so feel good! And when I was a little younger (I'm 17 now) it would have been right up my street!
The writing style is lovely, simple enough to read alone quietly but just mature enough for parents to enjoy reading aloud as well, it's a fine balance but I reckon you've got it right.

I'll put it on my watchlist and read more to see how it grows...

Poppy is a wonderful character! You've done a great job making her come to life to the reader. This has been a fun read so far and I can't wait to read more. I'll definitely be keeping an eye on this book and look forward to seeing it climb the ranks. Good luck with all your writing endeavors!

Happy Writing,
Michelle L. Ross (Elysium and the Dominion's Prophesy)

I have only read the first chapter but I already feel the mischief in you words. Poppy is delightful. Paul I think you have done a wonderful job setting up what it is like for a child to be moved form foster home to foster home. I can see myself curling up in a chair and reading this to my six year old. Backed. C.P

Brilliant book, brilliant read. Nothing more to say, except for those reading this message, read whole books, they like this one are great. Going on my shelf immediately.

Julie

Ok I am onto chapter 2. I read whole books not partial books. There is one thing that stands out your dialogue. You made the same mistake that I did thinking everyone spoke the queens english. They don't, You say I am when it should read I'm and do not when it should read don't, you are should be you're. Changing these little things would go a long way to making the story readable. Saying that I will continue because I think it is a good book.

Julie

What a wonderful story! I really loved this. I think it is perfect for its target audience and the writing is flawless. I think this will touch the hearts of many kids and because there is a serious factor too -- the fostering, there will be many kids who can relate to the book, kids who may not have read many books about children in a similar position to themselves.

I am more than happy to back this, good luck!

Valentina x

I’ve have Poppy on my bookshelf and have enjoyed the reading.

Jeffrey Miller
DOOR : Riversea

Hello Paul,

It was a fun read. Poppy’s life and her world of hilarious and colourful characters made me laugh. Her appetite was amazing. The world of strange creatures that you crafted in your story makes a fascinating read, and one that the evolutionists would twitch about. With the discovery of the hobbit in Indonesia, your story line becomes even more curious.

I like the setting, pace, dialogue and description. A little tightening though will make it more gripping.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

This is a fascinating story, and I found myself devouring it!!
Great concept and wonderful execution.
I could easily go on and on about how much I enjoyed it, but the comments that have helped me most are the ones with useful, kind suggestions.

I found this to be quite passive. A lovely story with great descriptions and dialogue, but you use the word 'was' quite a bit. Many of the verbs following 'was' can be turned active, therefore eliminating the preceding word..if you so choose... *Most* agents and the like frown on passiveness. This was, by far, the best bit of advice I received when I first posted my work.
I won't be rude by telling you what to do--I'll just show you a quick example of how a sentence can easily be changed and I'm sure you can do the rest from there, as you are a phenomenal writer!

In the paragraph that describes Gemma, you could try this with the last sentence--'An attractive, kindly woman with brown hair piled up in a bun, her bright blue eyes twinkled when she spoke.'
--another suggestion--
Instead of 'Poppy was very quiet...' you could try something like 'Poppy didn't speak much...'

If you go through and 'find' all your was and that words, you may find this flows even better!! Now, I'm not part of the school *that* believes all 'that's' should be eliminated, as many are useful--as is some passiveness. I've been corrected on particular passive words in my work, and when I tried to change them, I realized the active tense simply did not work as well. Plus, using a gerund at the beginning of a sentence is a great way to change up the rhythm.

Ok I feel like I'm preaching, and that's the last thing I want to do!
This is fantastic work, and it shall be heading in my kids' direction rather soon!
Great job. Shelved! (when authonomy allows me to...it's been touchy the past couple days :)

-Eden*
(The Abandoned Edge of Avalon)

Ahhh--after having taken in eight foster children over the years, I am immediately drawn to Poppy. Especially since her eating habits mirror my own. AND SHE LOVES BOOKS!

Loved the ‘chin gloop’ description. And I am so glad you allowed me to meet and greet Poppy in chapter one--leaving the historic fill in off until chapter two. This is how it should be done.

Ahhhh--the floating lights. These beings sometimes look like light shining through crinkled cellophane. The scene with Dr. No-neck was hysterical. Gemma and Poppy’s walk through the woods was wonderfully done. Loved the ‘twinkle trail.’ I am very much enjoying this--a remarkably unique narrative chock full of marvelous characters--and creatures.

Okay, this is such an engaging and LOVELY story that I had to stop for a moment and shelve it--but I’m back now. The witch-like creature swings in the night--a Wykk. Hmmm. Love the speech patterns of the woodland creatures.

The winking figurine was a marvelous touch. Okay, I broke off after finishing chapter six, but I will be back to read more of this incredible and delightful story.

As I mentioned above, I stopped to shelve this in the midst of my read. Definitely one of the best offerings I have found on this site.

Hi Paul, thanks for bringing this to my attention. It's a lovely "orphan annie" type of story with lots of mystery and intrigue. A couple of points bearing in mind your target reader. First the premise is a bit complicated it would be good to simplify this a bit and focus on the mysteries to come. Secondly, as I have mentioned in the premise, rather a lot of name for a younger reader to remember (and pronounce - though you do explain some). Don't make it too complicated, and I do feel you could tighten it up a bit, especially chapter 1. You don't need to go into quite so much detail I feel it digresses from the main part of the story which is getting to the Wood and what lurks there.

Other than that, well written and appropriate language for your target reader. I enjoyed it and I am sure you will find an eager market for this. Am happy to back and wish you well wit it.

Hi Paul,
Sorry I didn't get back to you yesterday, but someone didn't finish his chores and had to go to bed early. I read him chapter 2 tonight and he loves it, all the creatures and your descriptions! He liked the way you showed how to pronounce "Maestifoles" and he thought it would be a good idea for you to do that with more of the creatures and their names because as he puts it, "that way kids don't get used to it being said one way and then the movie comes out and everyone pronounces the words differently." I'll read him the next chapter tomorrow! :)

Hello there, some thoughts on your opening chapter. I liked the style of this - readable and direct but with dashings of flair here and there to draw the eye. You describe the gardens and the house wonderfully well - it could have been overdone but you steer a good straight course. We're conditioned to root for Poppy and she's a nice enough blank canvas - she's mostly keeping quiet in the first chapter but this felt natural to me, thinking of a child exposed to such a situation (not for the first time). Her enthusiasm to know more about the Dwelling Wood and its weird menagerie of creatures is enticing, and mimics how we feel, too. One nitpick about your pitch - you say "lays" when I think you mean "lies", am not usually a pedant on these things but I think it's important to tighten up the pitch (he said, the man who left a glaring mistake on his for months!).

All the best

P

Comments on Chapter 1...

An old-fashioned sort of tale begins... Orphaned child, kindly step-parents, lots of lovely food and a "beautiful" room. Nothing wrong with any of that. Seems well suited to its age group (under 12's - get rid of the "young adult" tag), holding an appropriate pov and language. Perhaps a bit slow to begin, but I understand your establishing character and setting.

Watch the "tells" - Poppy is an "unusual" girl - we find that out ... It's a "beautiful room, every little girl's dream" - again the following paragraphs show us this; at least let your reader "discover" the room for him/herself.

Chapter 2...

Interesting tales, but I was wanting to get back to Poppy. Perhaps you could break them up a little more with her story? Maybe Ungle Gary could tell the first one before he disappears. Then the second could come with Aunty Gemma up in the room.

Chapter 3...

This begins with another "tell" of her strangeness before showing it... If the lights are real I'd like to "see" it rather than have them described in dialogue. The doctor scene is amusing: some of them are arrogant, all right.

OK, I've read enough. I realise I'm not its intended audience, but it doesn't feel executed quite right to me. The character/s are fine, as is the dialogue, but the structure (IMO, I stress) needs rearranging. The other problem I have is with the old fashioned nature of this: I'm not sure cynical modern kids, even in this age group, would go for this. Some kids, sure, but not the majority.

Sorry I can't be more positive. I'm probably just one dissenting opinion in a sea of praise, so feel free to ignore.

Regards,

TomW

Hi, Paul! This is a great story, even my 12 year old son said, "It's awsome!" Your characters and believable and easy to love. You draw the reader in very quickly and hold their interest. I'm sorry, but I don't really have any critisim for your story. It's wonderful the way it is and is going on my bookshelf!

Hey P. Poppy is simply adorable. And Auntie or Mummy Gemma is an absolute jewel. I love the way she bent over backwards to make Poppy feel comfortble in her new environment. I also loved that she didn't prejudge Poppy based on Poppy's inability to keep a foster parent. My only criticism is your misuse of commas and dumping way too much information on us in the second chapter. Best of luck to you my friend. This is story is not only inspirational but it's educational and entertaining.

Hi Paul

Just had a chance to read your book.

What a fascinating synopsis!!!

I imagines reading the synopsis to a group of school children and the names that you have conjured up would keep their attention to no end.

Love the idea that Poppy is a 'kook'..wearing odd socks and rolled up sleeves. Better than the so called role models kids have nowadays.

Hate to appear patronising, but kids are suckers for the 'lost cause', excuse the reference, i am a schoolteacher and work with kids from difficult backgrounds. These stories (yours in particular) champion the cause of the likes Poppy. Read Harry Potter, any of the stories with the wicked stepmother or where the Gran looks after the kids. You have a winning formula already!!!!!

Liked the idea of her reading Moby Dick. Don't know if it was intentional, but i saw a relation between Ishmael from Moby Dick (searching for where he is in the scheme of things) and Poppy's journey to be accepted.

Anyway, Paul, i have added your book to my shelf and look forward to reading more.

Much appreciated

Ed Quinn (Donkeys kill more people)

What a truly magical story. This is enchanting. I have really enjoyed the first chapter and the way you write makes you want to read on. However I am backing it right now. This should do very well.
Hilary (The Piazza)

The first thing that strikes me, before I get to the story itself, is the name Poppy Skiffles. I love it! The premise is also very sweet in its alluring nature.

Initial impression: a children’s book. Target audience 3rd-6th graders.

As such, your first paragraph is far too long. Try to think in terms of a teacher reading in class, unsure of how many times he’s/she’s going to have to pause. You want to give her plenty of spots to do that. Keep your paragraphs short.

I don’t feel as though you need “For example” in the first paragraph. Instead, roll the examples together into one sentence. Maybe starting with “Occasionally she would” or “She was partial to”.

Also, while writing a children’s book, you have to consider the impact of your words. This makes it harder to write artistically. You can really run into trouble with innocent statements.

For me, you ran into a problem with this excerpt: “The string of foster parents assigned to the little girl over the five years since her parents died, kept her only on a short-term basis. They all liked her, and some of them even loved her, but none of them attempted to adopt her; she was just too unusual.”

The problem with that excerpt is that you make parental love “not enough”. Children reading this or listening to this being read could make assumptions that no matter how loved you are, people will turn from you if you don’t follow specific guidelines or rules; the norm. As a mother, when I read this I thought, who could say they love a child but turn them away for being odd? No one I would want to know and certainly no one who would take the time to read to their children or buy them your book.

Love is a powerful emotion, not something that should just be thrown out there and retracted. “I love you but, you gotta get outta here.” Instead, I would reword the sentence to still get the point across but not demean Parental Affection. “The string of foster parents assigned to the little girl over the five years since her parents death, kept her on a short term basis. They liked her well enough, but none of them attempted to adopt her; she was just too unusual.”

You get the point across that none of the foster parents were able to bond with her because of her eccentric behavior.

There are a lot of grammatical errors to be fixed throughout this sample you posted. If I were you I would give it a good once-over.

The introduction of the mystical creatures is fun and whimsical. The paragraphs are again…loooong. I would break this up. You have paragraphs of details, including on Goboldrin himself in the second. Perhaps cutting right to the dialog and then interspersing what he looks like from the viewpoint of another? Just an idea.

Veneficus has spiky hair as a Wykk but you use it earlier in the chapter as a defining description of Elifs. It confused me a little.

I like the way they talk. Reminds me a little of Mad Max. “How can you be so know?” Love it.
Cutting from scene to scene is reminiscent of Princess Bride. I usually don’t care for this style but it works here. Well done.

I’ve read the first three chapters and my general opinion is that the story needs tightening. Authonomy writer’s use that a lot don’t we? “Tightening.”

I think your concept is original and I want to see it become a published book, but until your characters match some of the actions they perform, it won’t have that believable feel.

For me, Uncle Gary seemed like a weasel. Perhaps later in the book he becomes the villain, but right now he just seems like a “blah” character whose sole purpose is to help Gemma talk about how strange Poppy is and how concerned she is.

I hope you don’t find my critique discouraging. You use description well, and your imagination is incredible. Fix grammatical errors, be careful of the underlying messages you give out, and get to know your characters a touch better. They are almost there but some things don’t mesh for me.

I’m going to keep my eye on this work and wish the best for it and for you,
VG

I don't see how this book won't end up getting published. I'm backing it.

Its a far more realistic Enid Blyton, less idealistic Anne of Green Gables, with the good parts of Tolkien thrown in to make it quite original.

Hi Paul,

As promised here are my comments, and please remember I'm just remarking as a reader, nothing more.

I liked the premise of Poppy Skiffles, and I loved the character even more. I could just see her in my mind's eye, and I know kids - especially little girls - will identify with her greatly. But there in lies one problem - I think this book will only appeal to young girls which is fine if that is your target audience. If not then there needs to be a male influence - a young boy to share Poppy's adventures, to act as a foil to her oddness. Perhaps the dullest boy ever who can learn to be a bit more interesting just by being around Poppy?

I enjoyed the relationship between Poppy and the McArdies, and wanted to know more but something got in the way of the actual story... the other stories. And my, there are so many! These are rich and wonderful in their own right, and I can see that you are setting up characters who will have more significance later in the story like Veneficus, but to have one story follow another... I was getting lost and overwhelmed with all the information by chapter two. And if I can get confused - as someone you know who writes confusing stories or a mature YA audience ;D - then I worry that your younger target audience are going to need the bedtime voice of an adult to guide them through Poppy's adventures. They may feel the book is too hard to pick up on their own.

These stories felt too much like exposition masking as stories-within-stories. Don't get me wrong - I love both elements of the book, but for me they aren't transitioning smoothly enough at the moment. And I want them to! I really, really do. I want to know what happens to Poppy, and all the plot happenings you have promised will happen in the synopsis... but I kind of want them to start happening within the first two or three chapters or else, like an impatient seven or eight year old, I may not read any further...

Just a few thoughts, and don't worry I WILL read more chapters as you post them, just to keep Poppy Skiffles company in her shenanigans with the Wood Twixie.

M.

This is very competent work. It reads as a piece designed to be read to children as a bed time treat and extend their vocabulary, but interesting enough for them not to realise it is educational. I'll WL this just now and shelve later today.

Graham

Hi there Paul.
Thanks for the excellent entertainment. It's beautifully done, really !

Suggestions.

Works great, the expectation of why she is strange.

Then Chapter two is wham, bang, a dozen new characters,
lots of new vocabulary and a sub story in the middle!
Okay I'm not your target audience, but I couldn't take in so much,
so in Ch 4 etc i was confused.

So if I were you I would think about introducing the fairy world a little slower,
and leaving any non essential characters for later in the book.

Really it wasn't that I couldn't take it in but there wasn't
an obvious enough hook for me from the Poppy story to make me want to.

Maybe I mis read it, you could smooth this out with Aunt Gemma saying more
about the creatures in the wood in Chapter one.


Then I loved Chapter 3 again, and soon it's becoming a thriller! Great Doctor scene etc

Congratulations. Let me know when you put up some more..........................Mikey

Hi Paul,
This is great fun and your style exactly matches the subject matter. Shelved

My only comment is that Poppy isn't really a bizarre name, Moon Beam Unit (Frank Zappa's daughter's name) is bizarre. Poppy is kind of ordinary these days compared with what some people are calling their kids.
I wonder if todays kids would consider it unusual. It's a very minor point, but as its at the very start of your book I thought it worth mentioning.

Cheers

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

Dear Paul,

I love the way you write. It is like a dance with words. I want to to read more of what you have posted but tonight I am tired. Nonetheless, I am placing your book on my bookshelf and I shall return. One thing though, and I know I am being a wet dog on the wall to wall when I say this, but Charles Dickens, and Jules Verne with J.K. Rowling? Well, I was never much for Charles Dickens, but I give him credit for being a classic, and I have become a bit tired of Harry Potter, and I doubt our children will be watching Potter every year like we watch old Scrooge, but I could never get enough of Jules Verne. Captain Nemo. Sorry, I digress. Your writing is superb.

Dear Paul,

I love the way you write. It is like a dance with words. I want to to read more of what you have posted but tonight I am tired. Nonetheless, I am placing your book on my bookshelf and I shall return. One thing though, and I know I am being a wet dog on the wall to wall when I say this, but Charles Dickens, and Jules Verne with J.K. Rowling? Well, I was never much for Charles Dickens, but I give him credit for being a classic, and I have become a bit tired of Harry Potter, and I doubt our children will be watching Potter every year like we watch old Scrooge, but I could never get enough of Jules Verne. Captain Nemo. Sorry, I digress. Your writing is superb.

Dear Paul,

I love the way you write. It is like a dance with words. I want to to read more of what you have posted but tonight I am tired. Nonetheless, I am placing your book on my bookshelf and I shall return. One thing though, and I know I am being a wet dog on the wall to wall when I say this, but Charles Dickens, and Jules Verne with J.K. Rowling? Well, I was never much for Charles Dickens, but I give him credit for being a classic, and I have become a bit tired of Harry Potter, and I doubt our children will be watching Potter every year like we watch old Scrooge, but I could never get enough of Jules Verne. Captain Nemo. Sorry, I digress. Your writing is superb.

Hi Paul,

This is bloody awesome. I left a message saying that I would read this from its pitch as to the Standalone Farm. I am a sucker for magic and fantasy because it is my preferred genre. This is what kids love to read. You certainly have attuned yourself to the child in you. With this I will have to put this on my shelf because it peaks my interest. I do need to tidy up my book shelf a bit and you'll be able to see it in a few days.

Overall this first chapter I have read, is a hook and line moment; that I fell into and I was not sure if I will be able to detach myself from the first chapter to write this... and it is difficult to even write this critique because you have me wanting to read on. Argh. It is tempting but I have to stick to my policy and that is reading only the first chapter. It is where I pick the whole story and yours certainly has me saying this is going places. I can't wait for this to be published because it does remind me of the classics like Alice in wonderland and others of the Fairy tales type.

I can't help with the grammar part for I am not qualified and it felt to me that you have a good sense for grammar. The flow of this chapter is great to me and it also shows me that I have my work cut out. Oh well I felt this is going to be a great work for children's fantasy and young adult as well as those adults who'll love these fairy tales.

This certainly opens the child in the reader and wants to be that child.

Cheers,
Robert.

PS. Read The Mage King.

Hello Paul. Just Love this stuff. But then I am a captive audience of anything like this. as someone who will not leave my home without my two rings on.(the One ring. and King Aragorn's ring) need I say more. Will not nit pick. Or try to find fault. there is none.

Paul
I like this and it will appeal to children. My only constructive comment is regarding show and tell. The opening line is good, though I'd split it in two. However all the "was"s make it slow going until the dialogue starts.
After this the writing is good, flowing well and pulling the reader in.
On my shelf.
Chris (and Tolkien)