The Flower of the July Crab

Hello Daniel,

I'm not very good at critiques. I did enjoy what I read. I can say I would absolutely die if I sat next to someone on a plane and they began telling me about the number of plane fatalities for a given year. LOL.

You might check chapter 3 (4 on Authonomy) during your next edit. Some of the sentences in dialogue start out with lower case letters. I'm not sure if that was intentional or not.

Best
BILL
HAKTAW HEART
(If Haktaw Heart seems to be something that might interest you I'd appreciate your comments and/or support)

Daniel,

I always appreciate a read with short chapters. :) It feels like it moves forward easy.

Your characters were plausible, I could realte to Dominic and his thoughts. His feelings for Ellie reminded me of a personal experience I had not long ago.

A good setting and a promising concept. Overall, I thought that your plot was concise and could follow it without taking a break. A rare thing.

5 stars from me to encourage you to work on the bits that need editing. We all need it :)

Yannis
(I hope you will find the time to read/comment/rate/back my work, aka The Book of the Forsaken)

Dear Daniel!

‘The Flower of the July Crab’ is a captivating story that kept me several nights wide awake long after midnight. Dominic’s infatuation for Ellie is so pure and sincere that the reader can’t stay indifferent to him.

There’s one recommendation from me, however, and of course it’s up to you to decide whether to listen to me or not: I’d delete the last paragraph in chapter 2 as it is sort of obvious from the prologue that their holiday wouldn’t go well. Besides, the ending with “… he will have made some sort of move on Ellie.” would have a greater impact on the reader.

I also liked that your chapters were concise. Not too short, not too long. It was easy to read your story and it was extremely enjoyable.

P.S. I was wondering if you could have a look at or back/star rate my book, ‘The Beholder’. It would mean a lot to me and I would be delighted if you didn’t disregard it.

Thank you for an enjoyable read.
Truly yours, Ivan.

Daniel,
The Flower of the July Crab has such a compelling protagonist. Dominic's thoughts, feelings, and experiences are conveyed well in your luscious prose. The reader is swept away. Rated with six stars.

Walden Carrington
Titanic: Rose Dawson's Story

This is a young person's book with that hopeful but scared outlook which makes it entrancing. I found this by accident and have to back it and hope to see it rise. I do think you have work to do on it - for instance, in 20, you need to expand and review a young woman's reaction to death and behaviour when in shock. But there's lots that's good in this and I've starred you accordingly. Lara
Good for Him

excellent.

BACKED

I knew I was going to back this work immediately after reading the first line. The sentiment expressed in the quote sums up my feelings about Authonomy and along with my spliff , dark rum & coke, and keyboard keeps me here. The story opens and the question springs to mind is Daniel having a Walter Mitty moment? Did I say that the prose is measured and eminently readable? Well, it is and the ensuing chapters serve only confirm the work's quality. The appearance of Andy and his words to Dominic set the standard.(There are capital letters that crop up, almost inadvertently; Blond, Final are these intentional?) BACKED. Robert Davidson. The Tuzla Run

Dear Daniel, I love the intrigue in your story & Dominic being so daring & not backing down in chapter 19, saying,"Never...Say...Never." :) You pitch prepared me for my read & I love in your prologue, "Delusions are as necessary to our happiness as reality." ;) Chapter 2 was so totally radical with your short paragraphs telling Dominic's childhood. :) Great write. :) Crisp dialogue & pragraphs made for a fast read, not to mention the suspense, keeping me reading. :) Hope you'll write a lot of books. :) I've backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :) p.s. Your book cover is the most beautifulest ever!! :)

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Dominic. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing ensures that your work will appeal to the YA audience. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

I like the style and tone of your storyline but it needs to edited thoroughly to bring out the best in it...great effort!
Stewart

Other than to comment that in prose the convention is for numbers to be written out long hand, I can see that this is a well crafted tale with plenty to teach the younger reader about life and friendship.

:) comment to follow - read & comment on 22 hours later :)

Hi,
A very enjoyable read, great dialogue and a good pace.
I twigged that it was for young adults before I went back and looked at the cover because the writing is fairly simplistic. In fact, I wouldn't mind such a rollickingly good story for adults, but your writing style reflects your target audience and that is fine. Just beware of having overly short paragraphs (I'm thinking of chapter one). Chapters two and three seem to have developed a slightly more mature style.
I absolutely loved the opening, the little quote about delusions that is aimed directly at the reader. It actually had me smiling at the screen and served as a fantastic introduction for the character of Dominic.
Chapter one expands upon his character and we see that he is actually quite a complex young man. I think there is some excellent characterisation here, and that this is a really promising read.
Thanks,
Dan

The Flower of the July Crab...

Please do review your ms. for typos and punctuation, etc., because this is a good story and you want people (i.e., agents and editors) to look at the story and not be distracted at all.

Daniel is great (wish I were young enough for him) and the blossoming love story is unfolding really well. I think you've got your target audience pegged really well.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Daniel, swift, concise style. Easy to read. Intriguing character in Dominic. Keeping it on my WL to read more, and till there's space on my shelf. Will be back.
Lynn

This style is sooo original. A list of encounters that reveal the character's history and therefore explain his personality. A bit confused with the missing capital letters after full stops (I always thought that was only okay after dialogue???) but hey who cares about conventions, this is great. The storyline is familiar, again, there is an originality and most importantly, a really intriguing pull from your premise. The easy flowing tone adds to this, encouraging you to read on and find out. I backed this a while ago, still on my shelf but couldn't comment as I lost broadband signal.
Adam (Lunar and Sol)

Your book is well done. You have a fast, neat writing style that's direct and enjoyable, and I like how you tell us everything we need to know about Dominic in a few short scenes. The only problem I had was there seemed to be quite a few grammatical errors (commas and all), which somewhat detracts from the story. Going through it again and cleaning it up will make it even better.

Dear Daniel,
I think the snappy pitch works. But I'd leave it at "Why do things never go the way they are planned?" Any more, you're giving too much of the plot away.
There is a great deal of naysaying from agents and editors about how much they dislike prologues and intros. Just passing that along. And this one's an easy fix: just make it your 1st chapter (or the first section of the 1st chapter, then separated by white space to go into the remainder of Chapter 1).
As others have noted, the punctuation and grammar needs a strong edit.
Short chapters that keeps the pace humming along.
With the dialogue (Ch 3) on the plane, you do a nice job of intermingling it with action, ie sharing the iPod, looking out the window.
Dominic is a strong representative for kids, dealing with peer pressure, anger, new romance. It seems to be a solid story, great for the adolescent YA crowd. Shelved.

Hi Daniel! Right off, as a teacher, I have to tell you that the strength of your work is how spot on you have teenage voices and thoughts. Well done! You also capture the horror of school trips. (Joke.) This work could use a look over for typos as there are quite a few, but that's easily fixed. I didn't find the prologue necessary, and chapter 1 not very engaging. You want to be able to grab the reader with your story right at the start. Chapter 2, however, did that for me. Well done! What not start the book there and work in the chapter 1 info a bit later as it is a neat way to summarize Dominic's life up until then as well as to tell us some important details of what he's like. Best wishes for this and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Just catching up with my swap reads...

Your story concept is intriguing but I think overall your text needs some tighening up - it takes a while to get to the action, and (at least in my opinion) there's a lot of dialog that really doesn't drive us to the point of the story. I did notice some technical issues (the one that stood out for me was 'barley' instead of 'barely'). What I would recommend is if you printed it out and read it out loud to yourself you might be able to catch a lot of those issues. But there's a lot of potential here.

The only real negative thing that struck me was that the pitch seemed like one of those 'ethical dilemma' problems: "A trolley is heading towards a crowd of people and you can save them by directing the car towards one innocent person. Would you do it?" It's certainly only my negative reaction to these kinds of problems (which I consider to be philosophical mindgames) that causes me to think of this in a negative way.

However, if this is really where you're going with the story, then don't tell us in the pitch. I don't want to read a story anticipating that the hero is either going to choose to kill millions, or is going to end up a sorrowful wretch by the end. BUT - if you intend a third alternative don't drive people away by insinuating that these are the only two choices.

Just my two cents... Good luck with your submission!

Daniel,

I like your pitch. You've got great conflict going on with this story. Your style is appealing, too. Have only just started reading and will continue.

Heidi
Turning Red

Hi Daniel

I started reading this because the pitch was so great. I read the first chapter and thought it wasn't as great as the pitch. I read the 2nd chapter and thought, this is more like it. I'm sticking with this and putting it on my watchlist.

Nicole

Hello Daniel - yes, good stuff. I like your style. Punchy and concise, with short chpts that makes it easy for the reader to keep flicking through. You must take a red pen to this, though:

- need full stops in your pitch at the end of lines 1-3;
- "5[.] his mum": needs to be a comma, not a full stop;
- "8. [h]e": need capital 'H' here;
- for numbers up to 100, I think, write them out in full. Looks like short-hand, otherwise;
- punctuation at the end of dialogue, e.g. "...too[.]" Dominic declared": needs to be a comma rather than a full stop;
- "you will [fit in] with us": nicely done. Sinister expectation;
- "I[']m Rosie": need apostrophe;
- "there[,] is": lose the rogue comma;
- "GCSE[']s": lose apostrophe.

I'm sure (I *think*) that this is just careless typing. You only get a shelf if you promise to sweep them up, yes? Good. Best of luck with it - sestius

Daniel
I read the first 3 chapters and the last 2.
I like the synopsis and plot. You need to attend to the dialogue grammatically. In many places you start the speech without a capital and then end with a full stop (or in places no punctuation) where it should be a comma. e.g. "Yeah. It really is [,]" Dominic replied softly.
I chose this example because it includes the adverb. You use them a lot (I think "awkwardly" struck me in chapter 2). Adverbs should be used sparingly. In most cases I'd recommned you delete them and show us some other way if you need us to know Daniel is feeling awkward.
I'm not convinced about your title, though reading the end, I see it's relevant. Think about your audience, what would make them pick up your book and read the opening chapter?
Finally I liked the first chapter, but found the opening para clumsy - perhaps rewrite the sentence starting "Strangely..."
On my shelf for a wile.
Good luck
Murray. (for I Dare You)

Daniel,
Very enjoyable story. You pull us right in with the first chapter and then we forget that we're in a flashback.
Dominic is a great character and I was wonderfully surprised how Andy saved him. It seems like a perfectly reasonable approach. The plane ride with Millie was delightful. You captured a young man's angst perfectly.
This is a well written adventure. On my shelf.
Jeff

just read some of your MS...I'll be back to comment later. having a bad day so i can't focus enough to give you a good constructive critique...my apologies

The prologue and first chapter here are what I read. I liked it a whole lot. I'm not really sure I have any criticism here. This will be going on my shelf as soon as there is room.

What a great read, and a lovely style for a YA audience. It makes a nice adult read too.
I love the prologue, and Chapter one is very well written, if that is the one you were concentrating on editing then you did a good job of tightening it up (not that I saw it before)
Is there a reason for a lot of the dialogue to start without a capital letter? You use im a few times instead of I'm which interrupted the flow slightly.
No other criticism though. Love your writing style. Shelved.
Best wishes
Dora
Swings and Roundabouts

Hi Daniel,

Sorry it took me so long to get on that swap I promised! End of school and my kids have me running. I did the first four chapters just now.

I won't beat the horse (too hard) but do a really thorough typo/grammar/spelling review. The first five pages (and after that, the first 3 chapters) are what the editors look at. Anything out of place, and **poof** you hit the reject pile. An agent once said "We are looking for a reason to say no -- don't give it to us." I recommend "Self Editing for Ficiton Writers" by Browne and King -- that little book will save your life!

The prologue sucked me right in, but then the next few chapters slowed me down. I felt a lot of sympathy for Dominic and I was glad to get his backstory, but rather than leaving me hanging, maybe intersperse it with details from what is happening now. That would remind me he's in mortal peril, and keep me guessing, on the edge of my seat, as to why.

You have a good command of making your MC believable and even if he is a prat for the first chapter, you still feel for him and want him to succeed. That is a great accomplishment and very hard to do.

Good work here -- good luck!

KinDallas
SWITCH

Hi Daniel!

First of all, congratulations on your work here. I can tell that you’ve been reading some of the Alex Rider / Young Bond / Cherub type books (as have I!) and this story seems to the mould perfectly. I have not read the other comments on your book, apart from a couple; they do pull you up on punctuation and word-use and, whilst this is something that you will have to work on to avoid immediate agent rejection, I do think that you are good at basic structure and pace – so that’s a very positive thing.

I do feel very awkward about critiquing someone else’s work when I’m still unpublished myself, but the following are my observations of the first four chapters (normally what an agent or publisher would see if you submitted). I hope you find the comments useful; they are designed to help make a good piece of work even better:

Andy seems to speak in a tone and style that is older than he actually is – he sounds like a teacher, for example.

You have full-stops at the end of dialogue where you should have commas (“I don’t fit in.” Dominic said quietly. This should be “I don’t fit in,’ Dominic said quietly.”) This is something I did in my first MS – you only put the full-stop if there’s nothing after the comment (eg, “I don’t fit in.”)

Some incorrect words (site instead of sight, barley instead of barely) and some unnecessary capitalisations (Blond instead of blond, Final boy etc).

You have a good amount of dialogue here but make sure you use it to push the story forward, explaining what is going on and what people really think about things. For example, In the section where Andy introduces Dominic to his friends, it is all dialogue but mainly just “hello’s”. Nothing is resolved from the scene here aside from to say he meets new friends. Then it just ends (going on to his results). No insight into these new friends was established (what were they like? What did they think of Dominic, how did they get on?)

It feels like you are desperate to get to the scene of the action here! I would expect a little more time being spent at the school or at home, letting the reader get more ‘comfortable’ with your main protagonist, Dominic, before they jet off to the alps. For example, we meet Ellie on the plane, but could you have spent some of the chapters before the flight building up the relationship with her at the school? Just my opinion, though.

Double check some of your facts to ensure a greater feel of authenticity, for example – slitting someone’s throat would not kill them before they hit the floor. It may sound a bit gross, but they would actually thrash about on the ground for a while first before dying of (and now I’m presuming here) blood loss.

When the men storm in through the fire exit, you state what their codes are – I think it would be a better use of ‘authorial voice’ if you explained these details by getting them across in dialogue. For example, a brief interchange of communication between the newcomers, allowing you to work out their names instead of being just told them by the ‘narrator’.

You have The Boss looking at the professor’s work and smiling because it was ‘perfect’. Is this because the Boss is also a professor and can tell that this is the case? Just another thing to check for authenticity of character here, it’s the type of thing that an editor would pull you up on, I think.

Just out of interest, I see that your manuscript is stated in Authonomy as “Complete” at 26,000 words. If you are aiming to get this published in the ‘Cherub / Alex Rider’ age group then this is not nearly long enough and would be rejected because of it. A book of this type / age should be at least twice this size and probably closer to 65,000 words – just something to consider if submitting to agents and publishers.

I hope that this has helped, Daniel. You have something good here and I think that a little research into spelling and grammar and some attention to the points raised above would make this an even better piece of work. Congratulations again!

All the best,

Lee
“The Sorcerers’ Doom”

I loved your pitch. “He knows this Game well and he wants to change the rules.” Sounds just like Authonomy!
The book itself works well for me. It’s quite different from the outset, and I like a book that doesn’t do the obvious things and whose direction isn’t clichéd. Your chapters are short, and although you do need to edit for typos, you did keep me reading.
Watch out for the typos in your pitch: they can deter potential readers. “Getting the Skiis out” needs a lower case ‘S’ and just one ‘i’. “Cant” needs an apostrophe.
Otherwise, this surely deserves to be higher in the charts than it is now. Bookshelved.

Hello Daniel

read the prologue and first few chapters. Very gripping and teasing prologue, it's quite a big hook, I don't know if you plan to expand on it to make it a bigger hook?

From my point of view the other chapters are easy to read, it flows well, and has good descriptions mixed in with general chit chat, which I think helps realism. I'll try and read more when I can.

Charlie

Hi Daniel,
Enjoyed the hook of the prologue but wondered if the first paragraph was really need. There's a few things that need ironing out as well. Im should be I'm, it's short for I am. At one point you say 'A few weeks after then'. It should be that not then. And you explain your dialogue; Dominic declared, said slowly, echoed, said quietly. If your dialogue needs explanations it's not written well. Try to put the emotion into the words of dialogue and just leave the explanations out. The occasional he/she said, or a short piece of action that conveys the emotion is better. You also slip out of viewpoint, from character to narrator. A book called Self-Editing for Fiction Writers explains it all better than I can. It has a chapter called Dialogue Mechanics. I use it all the time.
Sorry to be so negative. If you want to pick a few holes in my novel, Stoneblade, please go ahead. Would appreciate the read anyway. Chris James.

Hi, read yoru story, very interesting beginning, really draws you in. I noticed a few typos and stuff, nothing yo ucan't fix, sometimes the dialogue seemed a bit jilted but, that can be worked on. Dominic's and Andy's meeting seems a little off to me, kinda, unbelievable, I don't know, it's just me. Poor Professor, just as he solves it. Anyway, interesting read, I'm curious to learn more about Dominic and what the incident in the alley was (if you go into that) well good luck with this.

Oni

Ok Daniel, I think your changes work very well. What you've lost doesn't affect the story at all and what you've gained is something that reads smoothly and flows well. Much better!
You do still have a problem with the POV though and it's one an editor will not excuse. The thinking these days seems to be that telling a story from a narrator's POV is out - all scenes must be told from one character's viewpoint only. Mostly you do this but you also occasionally slip back into narrator-mode. When you come to do your next edit, write each separate scene as if you are seeing it from that character's eyes. Only describe what that character can see or hear. Like in ch1, the phrase 'Dominic's dad walks out..' This is being told from Dominic's POV and he would think 'dad walks out' not 'Dominic's dad..' You have also changed the tense here, from past tense to present. Stick to past, it reads better, 'dad walked out..etc.
In ch2, I think you should cut the end para, beginning 'If only he knew..' This is another POV issue, as Dominic can't possibly know how the holiday will go. It won't affect the end of the chapter, you have a perfectly good hook in Dominic deciding to make a move on Ellie before the end of the trip.
In ch3, you have changed back to narrator-mode. If you really need Martin's POV, then write the first passages from his head. Then change to the professor's head once Martin's gone. Once the professor is dead, you'll have to change again to the Boss's POV. All this is ok, provided you stick to one head per scene.
You still have lots of little errors too, some spelling, some grammatical, some capital letters. These will be continually pointed out by your reviewers unless you fix 'em!
But apart from those, you have made a real improvement in the story. Well done!
Cas.

Adding yours to my watchlist. Happy to do the reading swap. Will get back to you as soon as I get on with the reading.
Barbara

I like the pitch...The questions engage the person reading it and you begin to want to know more. I read the first 4 chapters. I like the ease of the story...It really flows along quickly. There were only a few minor edits you need to fix (capitalizing things, etc). Good luck!

ok... i have just updated my book. comments on the new and improved beginning would be helpful

Hi Daniel,

The prologue got us started with a bang and captured the interest. There were one or two tiny typos that we all miss from time to time. I like the concept though teenage reading is very rarely my thing I have to admit and there are scary moments in the first two chapters where you reminded me very vividly of my school.

The only thing I will say is perhaps the story starts in the wrong place? I noticed the comment below mentioned perhaps starting at the point where they get on the plane, this could be a very good starting point, there is a lot of description in the first chapter but I think all the people you describe could be met individually in the way they behave and thrown in comments here and there throughout the beginnings of the story, allowing the reader to work it out for themselves creates more desire to read on. It's something I have to say I'm trying to improve on in my own writing since this was pointed out to me at uni.

I hope this helps, all in all a great idea with only that one issue.

All Best,

Kit
(Blue Fire)

Hi Daniel.
I've just read your first three chapters. The prologue was great, full of tension, mystery and drama. I would change a few small things, 'it is them that fate smiles upon' is awkward, how about 'they are the ones fate smiles upon'?
Also, 'what seemed forever' should be 'what seemed *like* forever.
"you dare command me?" should begin with upper case Y. (I also noticed throughout the text that you often omit capitals when starting sentences in dialogue).
Come the next two chapters, however, things change. You have huge amounts of info-dump and very little happening in ch 1. It might seem radical but think about this. Re-start your story with the sentence 'Daniel rushed to get a seat on the plane.' This is where your story really starts. Then you can *show* what his friends are like through their dialogue, rather than *telling* the reader.
I think you have a story worth telling here and also the writing talent to make the necessary changes. I feel it will be a very readable book if you can iron out the glitches it has at present.
I wish you all the best with it. Might I ask for reciprocal comments on KING'S ENVOY?
Cas.

Daniel, `i said i'd have another look and here i am. Below is a suggested rewrite of your pitch which to my mind makes it snappier and more attractive. We've been here before so it's just an idea.


"Dominic deserves a holiday. Exams are over and the ski slopes beckon. The girl he's had his eye on for a while is going too! Snow, skiing and there might even be sex. Daniel cannot wait.
But it doesn't turn out as advertised. At least he wasn't reckoning on an adventure where his life is continually put at risk in a battle against the elements and the armed robbers that were so not in the brochure. The last straw is when he has to choose between X's life and saving the world. What will Daniel do? What would we choose? No friend to phone, the audience has gone home and he is all alone with this decision. Time is pressing. Final answer?"

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

I’ve read chapters 1-3 of The Flower of the July Crab and just thought I’d send you my thoughts. Please note though, this is just the feedback of one person. And I’m no expert on the subject of book reviews.

So, with that in mind, here we go:

First – interesting title, I like it.

Prologue
Nice. I’m intrigued. I want to know more…
Although for “you dare command me?” personally I’d write: “You dare defy me?”

Ch1
Good strong voice comes through straight away. You hook me to know more about Dominic from the start. Those eyes…
However I do get the feeling you use his name too much, maybe think of a way to avoid this? Instead of Dominic smiled – He smiled.
Also you often describe people by their hair and eyes – maybe give on a scar, or glasses, or a lisp. Anything that will evoke a strong image in the readers mind. Once you got that, it sticks.
Ellie ‘though easily more pretty than the other girls in the school’ – why? In what way? Smooth skin? Cute nose? etc. I know she’s funny, stubborn, brave etc. but I want to ‘see’ her in my mind.

I also find it helps to give characters backstory – e.g. Tom has a habit of gossiping, maybe tell us what he has gossiped about or say that he got the habit from his mum etc. etc. these are just ideas here.

Ch2
Describing ‘boring’ things like exams can be ‘boring’ for the reader, in my humble opinion get through these as quickly as possible, a reader wants excitement.
When Ellie sits next to Dom – cool, nice dialogue. But when starting in speech marks, we need a capital letter.
“Yeah, you would,” Dominic agreed.
Note the comma at the end too.

Ch3
Professor Elliot is a solid character. He has life (before he snubs it!) Maybe revisit your thoughts as you wrote his part and apply the same process to other characters.
On another point, this chapter is a great introduction for The Boss!

In general I think this is a work definitely worth developing. It’s engaging and interesting. I recommend you have a look at Freefalling for some ideas on depicting school life and to study how it’s written. It’s done in 1st person perspective and the characters are solidly developed and seem to have a life of their own.
I think with some reediting/rewriting though – get those typos out and cut back on some stuff; you’ll have a good story! I’ll come back sometime to see how you’re getting on.
Keep up the good work!

David
(Green Ore)

I’ve read chapters 1-3 of The Flower of the July Crab and just thought I’d send you my thoughts. Please note though, this is just the feedback of one person. And I’m no expert on the subject of book reviews.

So, with that in mind, here we go:

First – interesting title, I like it.

Prologue
Nice. I’m intrigued. I want to know more…
Although for “you dare command me?” personally I’d write: “You dare defy me?”

Ch1
Good strong voice comes through straight away. You hook me to know more about Dominic from the start. Those eyes…
However I do get the feeling you use his name too much, maybe think of a way to avoid this? Instead of Dominic smiled – He smiled.
Also you often describe people by their hair and eyes – maybe give on a scar, or glasses, or a lisp. Anything that will evoke a strong image in the readers mind. Once you got that, it sticks.
Ellie ‘though easily more pretty than the other girls in the school’ – why? In what way? Smooth skin? Cute nose? etc. I know she’s funny, stubborn, brave etc. but I want to ‘see’ her in my mind.

I also find it helps to give characters backstory – e.g. Tom has a habit of gossiping, maybe tell us what he has gossiped about or say that he got the habit from his mum etc. etc. these are just ideas here.

Ch2
Describing ‘boring’ things like exams can be ‘boring’ for the reader, in my humble opinion get through these as quickly as possible, a reader wants excitement.
When Ellie sits next to Dom – cool, nice dialogue. But when starting in speech marks, we need a capital letter.
“Yeah, you would,” Dominic agreed.
Note the comma at the end too.

Ch3
Professor Elliot is a solid character. He has life (before he snubs it!) Maybe revisit your thoughts as you wrote his part and apply the same process to other characters.
On another point, this chapter is a great introduction for The Boss!

In general I think this is a work definitely worth developing. It’s engaging and interesting. I recommend you have a look at Freefalling for some ideas on depicting school life and to study how it’s written. It’s done in 1st person perspective and the characters are solidly developed and seem to have a life of their own.
I think with some reediting/rewriting though – get those typos out and cut back on some stuff; you’ll have a good story! I’ll come back sometime to see how you’re getting on.
Keep up the good work!

Finally got round to taking a look.

Firstly the blurb/ pitch is engaging, funny and make you want to get into the book. So full marks there.
the prologue is excellent and really grips you with a sense of "wow what's going on."
The main character seems appealing and so a reader are going to care about him.
Clever use of the journal later (although I read the first 5 chapters I did flick forward a bit and noted that.

I would say that the books would benefit from a lot of editing (as with many including mine). There are some number of grammar errors and confused sentences and some repetitions of the same word in close proximity.
All of that could tighten the book up a lot and made it read better. Tedious work as we all know but it does yield dividends.

Anyway I will try and take another look and comment more.

Hi Daniel,

Further to my comments a few weeks ago, this is now on my shelf.

Good luck, Joanna

I really really like this. Below are my notes as I was reading. This is a very good book. But before you read my comments know that you are the only person who can write this wonderful tale. No one else can. You know these characters. You know their personalities. And any advice that I've mentioned below is only trying to help. And you should not change one single word unless it feels in your soul to be right. If what I've written you feels like rubbish, toss it away, burn it, whatever...but know that I really did enjoy this. And therefore am proudly shelving this book of yours.




Chapter 1

Gripping first chapter that leaves me wondering a couple of things:

1) Who is Dominic and why does he have blood on his face
2) Who is the boss
3) Where are they

These are all really good hooks, which propel me to click/turn the page.

Chapter 2

The opening of this chapter is just as strong. I found it interesting when you say that to look at Dominic you would think he’s older than he is, that it’s something in his eyes. And then you say that he has seen things that he doesn’t talk about. The way you have set up this thought introduces a juxtaposition with the story and I think, as a reader that I’m going to have you say that he hasn’t seen anything and is quite boring. But then, my fine writer of a friend, you turn it on its ear by saying: This is actually not true, not that Dominic ever spoke of it. ANOTHER HOOK. Well done.

I would reword this sentence to read: Those eyes in question were dark brown in colour –– serious. The emm dash here creates tension and it gets rid of the dreaded semicolon. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a semicolon hater. In fact, I like semicolons, but here an emm dash in my humble opinion works better. Up to you. Small change not really necessary.

The paragraph in which you describe Crossford High is well done and your descriptions of the social classes were funny as I’ve not heard of Boffins as a group clique. Must be an English term? I’m a silly American, so we just had geeks, nerds, jocks, cheerleaders, Goths and sluts. Hahahahaha

Okay this part threw me. You say: Due to his temper, Dominic had struggled to make friends but since his temper had vanished, he had finally started to be accepted by other and make friends with a group of students who like him belonged in no group but their own. Okay here is 1) a part where I think a little more understanding would help. How long ago did he lose his temper? You can’t start telling me he has a temper and then switch it to say that he doesn’t have a temper. You’ve already perked up my ears at wanting to know why he’s such a brooding angry sort. So, I’d talk about how bad his temper was and hint at why he no longer has a temper. If the temper story is big to the plot at least hint at it. Maybe add some dialogue here to show us how he is like with his friends that belong to no group at all. Does that make sense?

Farther along in chapter 2 you introduce Andy, his best friend, to Tom, Rosie and Marie. And I start to see who Dominic is more because knowing who he’s friends with is also very telling. The one thing I’d probably try to do more of is add in those wonderful descriptions more. You know, really make us be IN the story. That means more show. Let me see, feel, smell, and hear your story. Make sure that you involve all the senses. This will help make your story more 3D.

Overall, this is wonderfully evocative and has a great deal of promise and I am loving it.

I hope that my comments help. I am proud and pleased to place this on my shelf.

Wishing you the best with this.
Rachel May

Going Twice

OK, finished! I think this has all the elements in place to be a rip-roaring read for a YA audience, and you've set yourself up nicely for the sequel too. However, I do think it needs quite a lot of work before it's all done (sorry, but of course you can feel free to ignore me). YOu star off well at a very measured pace, setting the scene and the characters well. But then you seem to speed up through the action as if desparate to finish. I think if you took the same time to get to the end of the story as you did to go through the first, say, three chapters - noting sceneray, play of expressions, conversations - it would make the book much richer and contextualised, with a hero we want to follow through a whole series (of presumably 12 books). Also, it would bring it more to novel length.

I think that by rushing so much later on in the prose, you deny us of the opportunity to get to savour your characters and their relationships to one another. The Boss, for example, is too easily and early defeated fter you'd spent the time building up an image of him, and then makes no appearance until the epilogue, when he is handily despatched. Yes, I like the shadowy ueber-organisation, but I was disappointed that it wasn't the Boss turning up on the snowmobiles, not the rescue party. And "the Boss" might be too gradiose a name for him if he can be gotten rid of so easily. Similarly, you didn't take the opportunity to build up a rivalry between the Boss and Dominic - a sense that they were nemeses, which I personally would have found mroe fitting.

Couple of other points on relationships for the same reason: these looked promising to begin with but were then progressed too quickly. Why did Dominic and Tom fight if it was going to be over so quickly? Perhaps their spat could last longer and only really be healed by some major development - Dominic saving Tom from the Boss instead of the last teacher, maybe?

Dominic and Ellie's growing romance started out very well and was excellently-observed, but to go from never having kissed to declaring he would give his life for her seemed quite obsessive. I think that by taking more time to get from start to finish, you could have explored some of these and other dynamics more fully to really win the readers over as Dominic (and your) fans. But, hey, reading's a very personal thing and I'm by no means necessarily right. If you're going to have the same cast of heroes in following books, you might even extend the romance into the next books, rather than giving Dominic (and Ellie) what he wants now. Just a thought.

All in all, I thnk this is a great and imaginative start and I hope you'll keep at it and continue to polish your work more. I hope my comments have been helpful, or at least interesting, and will now sit in terror of yours on my own efforts! :-)

OK, finished! I think this has all the elements in place to be a rip-roaring read for a YA audience, and you've set yourself up nicely for the sequel too. However, I do think it needs quite a lot of work before it's all done (sorry, but of course you can feel free to ignore me). YOu star off well at a very measured pace, setting the scene and the characters well. But then you seem to speed up through the action as if desparate to finish. I think if you took the same time to get to the end of the story as you did to go through the first, say, three chapters - noting sceneray, play of expressions, conversations - it would make the book much richer and contextualised, with a hero we want to follow through a whole series (of presumably 12 books). Also, it would bring it more to novel length.

I think that by rushing so much later on in the prose, you deny us of the opportunity to get to savour your characters and their relationships to one another. The Boss, for example, is too easily and early defeated fter you'd spent the time building up an image of him, and then makes no appearance until the epilogue, when he is handily despatched. Yes, I like the shadowy ueber-organisation, but I was disappointed that it wasn't the Boss turning up on the snowmobiles, not the rescue party. And "the Boss" might be too gradiose a name for him if he can be gotten rid of so easily. Similarly, you didn't take the opportunity to build up a rivalry between the Boss and Dominic - a sense that they were nemeses, which I personally would have found mroe fitting.

Couple of other points on relationships for the same reason: these looked promising to begin with but were then progressed too quickly. Why did Dominic and Tom fight if it was going to be over so quickly? Perhaps their spat could last longer and only really be healed by some major development - Dominic saving Tom from the Boss instead of the last teacher, maybe?

Dominic and Ellie's growing romance started out very well and was excellently-observed, but to go from never having kissed to declaring he would give his life for her seemed quite obsessive. I think that by taking more time to get from start to finish, you could have explored some of these and other dynamics more fully to really win the readers over as Dominic (and your) fans. But, hey, reading's a very personal thing and I'm by no means necessarily right. If you're going to have the same cast of heroes in following books, you might even extend the romance into the next books, rather than giving Dominic (and Ellie) what he wants now. Just a thought.

All in all, I thnk this is a great and imaginative start and I hope you'll keep at it and continue to polish your work more. I hope my comments have been helpful, or at least interesting, and will now sit in terror of yours on my own efforts! :-)

OK, finished! I think this has all the elements in place to be a rip-roaring read for a YA audience, and you've set yourself up nicely for the sequel too. However, I do think it needs quite a lot of work before it's all done (sorry, but of course you can feel free to ignore me). YOu star off well at a very measured pace, setting the scene and the characters well. But then you seem to speed up through the action as if desparate to finish. I think if you took the same time to get to the end of the story as you did to go through the first, say, three chapters - noting sceneray, play of expressions, conversations - it would make the book much richer and contextualised, with a hero we want to follow through a whole series (of presumably 12 books). Also, it would bring it more to novel length.

I think that by rushing so much later on in the prose, you deny us of the opportunity to get to savour your characters and their relationships to one another. The Boss, for example, is too easily and early defeated fter you'd spent the time building up an image of him, and then makes no appearance until the epilogue, when he is handily despatched. Yes, I like the shadowy ueber-organisation, but I was disappointed that it wasn't the Boss turning up on the snowmobiles, not the rescue party. And "the Boss" might be too gradiose a name for him if he can be gotten rid of so easily. Similarly, you didn't take the opportunity to build up a rivalry between the Boss and Dominic - a sense that they were nemeses, which I personally would have found mroe fitting.

Couple of other points on relationships for the same reason: these looked promising to begin with but were then progressed too quickly. Why did Dominic and Tom fight if it was going to be over so quickly? Perhaps their spat could last longer and only really be healed by some major development - Dominic saving Tom from the Boss instead of the last teacher, maybe?

Dominic and Ellie's growing romance started out very well and was excellently-observed, but to go from never having kissed to declaring he would give his life for her seemed quite obsessive. I think that by taking more time to get from start to finish, you could have explored some of these and other dynamics more fully to really win the readers over as Dominic (and your) fans. But, hey, reading's a very personal thing and I'm by no means necessarily right. If you're going to have the same cast of heroes in following books, you might even extend the romance into the next books, rather than giving Dominic (and Ellie) what he wants now. Just a thought.

All in all, I thnk this is a great and imaginative start and I hope you'll keep at it and continue to polish your work more. I hope my comments have been helpful, or at least interesting, and will now sit in terror of yours on my own efforts! :-)

I like the change to a journal. The difference in tempo and the switch to first person sigular narration shakes the story up well and lends a more personal air to Ellie's grief. It's a good device to employ here.