Cariad

Your pitch has excitement, and an appealing central character within an appealing basic idea. Unlike the pitch’s last line suggests, I don’t think turning back was ever an option for this heroine, however unprepared she may start out on this adventure. I think her ultimate challenge is to do or die. She will nearly die but she will not die.

The pitch’s second to last paragraph (and this is nit-picky, OK?) really should be three separate sentences. I also wanted just a smidgeon more detail about Dylan her protector. Sounds like a teacher about to become a lover, is that right? Or how far off was I? It was the “destined to be together” bit, perhaps, and the very romantic prologue in italics.

Maybe the divorce that starts off the story deserves some kind of mention in the pitch, just in passing? That could rope in sympathetic readers of the right age group, who can relate. There is a lot of genuine pathos is this story.

If the main thrust of the story is her entering a new life as a sorceress, then I guess my next question is, how many chapters until we see the magic part of her every day world? Is she plunged in fairly soon, or is a lot of the book about her family life, too? I was not sure which proportions to expect. For me, the pitch says one thing and the first chapter says something else.

This is also a product of the fact that I have a thing about getting to the end of a first chapter, and having some roadmap, or a feeling for what kind of journey is ahead. I know a little from the blurb, but the first chapter leaves me wishing that the magic is going to appear very shortly, and not sure whether it will or not, in the middle of a plot with an adolescent dealing with a divorce. .

The style is crisp and intelligent. Loads of young adults will like b eing addressed this intelligently.

Best wishes with this.

From
Eileen Kardos
The Noodle Trail

Excellent writing! Not a book I would pick for myself but I WOULD for a young adult. It is captivating and very nicelyu done. I like the contrast between her ordinary life (which will resonate with young readers whose parents are having the same difficulties) and the mysterious life as a sorceress. Most young adults dream at some time that they have magical powers. This book is well pitched and paced.I have a few comments which I hope you will take in the spirit in which they are offered, of wanting this book to be the best it can be.
Chapter 1 I don't think the sea being liquid could intertwine with anythng.
You have a paragraph where she is heading down a street which is also heading somewhere.
In my humble opinion and as a fellow sinner you use too many adverbs.'rolled his eyes' is enough. No need to add 'dramatically'. Let the reader work the mood out from the way you write. Don't give them everything.Again 'I hesitated slightly'. A hesitation is a slight pause. No need for the adverb.
That's all One or two typos I noticed but apart from that a very interesting and enjoyable read. (Can I have a receipt for the fiver?) Fontaine. (Legacy).

Dear R E, Many thanks for backing "The Doctor of Summitville" and for calling my attention to "Cariad," which I've read through Chapter 5. I particularly like the way you handled the exchange between Caitlin and Mamgu where Caitlin learns she's a sorceress. You've skillfully brought us to the point where this seems credible and prepares us to meet Dylan and for a thickening of the plot. Her background--the dysfunctional family--has also readied us for her exceptional talents and arcane adventures. I congratulate you on getting off to a good start and establishing rapport with your readers. I'll have to stop here, though, for lack of time, but will back your novel and plan to return. Wishing you every success with this and future writing, Bill

Cariad

Hi RE, Best of luck with the A Level English, your ambition, imagination and instinct for natural dialogue should take you far. You are really very good on dialogue and my instinct would be to have more of it throughout the narrative. I think you have a lot of talent, it is raw at the moment it needs taming, most of all (and I am still guilty of this myself) you have too many words, particularly adjectives, I stumbled over many sentences not because they were not well written but because you were busy me showing me every tiny little detail. Try cutting out the adjectives, I think you have strong characters here, an interesting story, the first chapter introduces the characters but does not do much more than that, you will need to add more action I think. You have a great grasp of contemporary teenage colloquolisms and they come off the page at us, real, 3D characters. I just wanted a bit more story a bit more quickly.

You do spooky well and there are genuine moments of intrigue, my sense is that this is a first draft and when we first draft we almost always over-craft it, putting on way too much wordage just so we can carve it off later so the reader's imagination can fill in the details. I think you have the talent, courage, sensitivity and descriptive imagination to sustain a strong story and to make it in this writing game. The road is long, graft as important as talent and you have talent in spades. Best of luck and best wishes - please if any of this feels harsh it is not meant to be, I am, after all an amateur like the rest of the people on here, but I don't do anodyne reviews praising everything and anything, I always try to be positive and I think the courage of people to share their work with strangers is to be marvelled at. Well done, backed because I think it will go far, edit it to death now would be my advice - Andrew W.

At the beginning, Caitlin is an ordinary girl suffering through the pain of an all too ordinary event that is causing an upheaval in her life. Then in comes her grandmother, and we learn this girl is anything but ordinary! All 8 chapters are captivating, especially the finally scene where she sees the girl and knows danger is at their doorstep. Well written! Shelved as soon as I have room!

Hello RE,

A fascinating prologue into a beautifully weaved story. This emotive story is deep and expressive with characters that portray the effects of loss, rift in human ties and separation in a very touching manner. It has moving discourses, narratives and vivid descriptions that gives the story a lot of credibility. the plot is true-to life and the writing is smooth

Overall, this is a fast-paced story that holds far more promise given an extra polish and tightening. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

This is a good, contemporary piece of writing. You handle dialogue well and have a knack of getting the reader hooked at the end of each chapter. I'd agree with other comments about tightening up the writing here and there by removing some adverbs, cutting down a bit on descriptions/emotion words, etc (e.g. in chapter 4 "Disgrunted and highly irritated" is pretty well conveyed by the action "I stomped..."), but this kind of thing can be easily corrected - you might find it easier to finish writing the book and concentrate on that during the editing phase anyway. I can see this doing well with the target audience and I see from your pitch that it deals with themes in an entertaining way - get it published and in school libraries! Ardderchog a phob lwc - ar fy silff!

Lisel
Isis In Crisis

First of all...adverbs...my own opinion is some adverbs add colour to writing, too many are not good. Weed those that are not necessary out, but don't succumb to the 'write by route' brigade. Try an adverb check on 'Goblet of Fire' sometime...Rowling doesn't appear to give a stuff about accepted wisdom, yet she is one of the world's most successful authors...that is because of the quality of her ideas not because she subscribed to the 'join the dots to become a successful author' school.
You have good ideas therefore I wish you success here.
Shelved.

Hi,

Lovely job here -- the pain of the split was well realized. Happy to shelve.

One nit -- needs an edit for grammar/commas. And weed out a few adverbs (I'm not a "kill them all" type writer, but avoiding them where possible)...editors get fidgety about them at times.

Best of luck!
KinDallas
Switch

Cariad...

I liked your pitch and think you have a wonderful premise for your story.

Then, after reading your partial, I've decided that your pacing is perfect in those three chapters. Just when I started wanting something to happen, something did. Great job! (Although, I suppose when I think about it, perhaps you could tighten just a bit so that something will happy a bit before the reader starts wanting something to happen. Clear as mud?)

The opening is very real, and since so many kids go through this experience, I think you've targeted your audience exactly right.

Eliminate your adverbs and do check your ms. for typos, but this is a great story.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

Hi R E, This captivated me, the emerging story about the family and the realistic dialogue. You have nice descriptive style at the beach and going into the grandmother’s house. The magic coming with the emotional upheaval had effect. Mamgu ("she had always insisted we called her Mamgu, and I never knew why” - good intro) increases the sense of magic. I loved Caitlin's young replies to Mamgu's explaining and the legend sorcery contrasting with the reality story. I would like to read on to see how Caitlin fares with both worlds. There were spots where you, in rewriting, might re-cast or tighten. Too many sentences seemed to begin with “I” at the end of Chapter 2; “Deciding it not best to dawdle…” that paragraph confused me in Chapter 3. But these chapters beckon! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

The prologue is beautiful. This first chapter isn't my thing, it's out there, I'm a realist...

Love the story, love your style of writing. Gonna back it, k?

I stopped by for a quick look to WL the book and ended up reading 2 chapters. I really like the voice here, you can't but sit down to listen to what she has to say :-). Shelved and good luck.
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Besides a few punctuation errors, this is a well-crafted story. Fluid prose and realistic dialogue. Your characters jump off the page. I'm not a fan of fantasy, but this is really well-written and an intriguing read. Good characters can make me read any genre. Keep up the good work. WL.

Hi R.E.

The moon was low in… I would say the moon hung low in the starless sky…

“They’re at it again(,)” Simon… I’ve noticed that you’ve missed punctuations at the end of your dialogue. It happens quite a lot.

“Yes(,)Mum…” Use comma when directly addressing someone.

Great narrative voice, it was engaging and authentic. I was immediately drawn into Caitlin’s world. She felt real and is a well developed character. Having to deal with your parents divorcing and having to move homes is hard to deal with and you portrayed it convincingly.

I loved the tension between Caitlin and her mother in Chap 2. I loved the imagery; it gives a clear image of the setting. Great pacing, it had a smooth flow.

It needs a little tightening, but it was an enjoyable and easy to read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

I apologize for the delay in commenting you. You have a gift for words, my friend. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

Hey hun, here for the swap read :-)

This was a really great read! It is very well written, and I love Caitlin - she is a well drawn, well rounded and interesting character. The plot is original and fresh, it is my favorite genre and you have brought something exciting and new to the table! You really do have a way with words, fantastic visuals in here - clean, fluid prose - very poetic and musical descriptions. This is well aimed at your target audience, full of great dialogue and colorful characterization. Excellent job, I am backing this with pleasure!

I do think your pitch could be tightened up - your book deserves a lot of readers and it is a big block of writing that wont catch eyes, try and separate it into parts and have a couple of tag lines!

Very best of luck, Melanie xxx

Hey,
I enjoyed this. I read the first chapter and flicked through the rest.
Wow, 45 days since your last comment!? You need to come online and promote your book more often, cus i think this has potential. I liked your protagonist and the story you're weaving.
I'm going to back this in a day or two, i've just rotated my shelf.
I hope you like my book as well.

Regards,

Mark H

Hi
Two chapters in and am only levaing as my alloted evening reading time is up :). A great way to open the story and engage the reader. You can feel the despair in buckets. The bit with the stars and the notepad jolted me, in a good way I hasten to add. The different turn really ahs me hooked. Have a feeling I'll be upset when there's nothing more for me to read....

Hello RE.
Your opening passages are quite evocative, although you might want to tone some of the description down a tiny bit. Still, they convey Caitlin's sense of desolation at leaving everything she knows, and the sudden shift to her perspective works well.
IMO, you ought to refer to her mother as 'my Mum' or 'my mother' whenever in Caitlin's head, as she wouldn't think of her as 'Nia'.
And I loved the way you introduced the magic, with the drawings in the notebook. I'm a sucker for dragons too, so that really worked for me!
You have 'headed down'.. and 'which was heading..' in the same sentence, it's too repetitive.
And the dragon stands 'on only tree..' which should be 'three'.
Other than that, this is great, well done!
On my shelf,
Cas.

Hi RE.

You have a natural writing style and your voice is approachable. The reader can relate to your protagonist, torn between loyalties, with dabbles of resentment. There is a sensuous mood with the beach and the arguing and the disappointment. Beautifully shown inner conflict for protagonist. A great new beginnings story with the protagonist thrust against her will into a new life.

On my shelf. Good luck,

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

RE,

What a painful moment in any family's life. You handle it with skill. I feel so for the kids, and I sense Catie's resentment of her mother. Your characterization is very realistic. These are people that I recognize.

There were some grammatical problems. I've pulled a few to show you. "They both were stood in the living room." should be "They both stood". "Pulling the door behind me gently and headed downstairs..." is a sentence fragment and really awkward. "Nia was sat behind the wheel..." should be Nia sat behind the wheel. You also have no punctuation in your dialogue and it needs to be there.

Other than that, it was a very moving read. You're on my shelf.

ML

UN

Okay you start out like a comet!! “The vast, blue ocean stretched to the darkening horizon, where it appeared to intertwine with the sky creating an abundance of blue.”

Now I’d like to show you how this sentence flows with a beat map. This is just a wonderful example of excellent writing and flow and swell of rhythm that I have to show you…

1-1, 1-2-1-1-1-3-2, 1-1-2-1-3-1-1-1-3-3-1-1. Do you see it? Like a wave. You can see the highs and lows. Anyway, I just wanted you to see it. It’s great!

Your sentence structures. . . speechless. This flows like it SHOULD!!!! I hear the voice it’s crystal clear. This is marvelous.

Your dialogue is crisp and witty with underlying layers.

Love this sentence: These four walls had seen every part of my development and life, and now(,) just like my father, they were being left behind. WOW!

I got a lump in my throat at this part: “Love you kids,” he said loudly as my mother revved the engine. We didn’t get a chance to say it back.

This is remarkable. So well written. So well told. I am shelving.

Rachel May
Going Twice

You're in Year 11, and you achieved and A* in English Literature last year. That's pretty amazing, and it shows in your writing. I'm not saying your style is perfect. But everything's relative and for a 16 year, this is outstanding. I should know. I teach in an all girls secondary (grammar) school with a sixth form, and I happen to be familiar with the standard.

I think your dialogue passages are stronger than your descriptive. I really started to get into the story when Caitie gets home and finds her parents arguing. There's nothing stilted at all about their exchanges; it all works very well. The descriptive passages - well, I think you may be trying a little too hard. Consider your first paragraph in which you describe a sunset. There are a lot of adjectives in there, and this slows the reader down. I think this is sometimes inevitable in the process of revising a piece of prose. When you revise, you read the text back to yourself SLOWLY, and then you can insert things that make it read SLOWLY for others. Whereas what you want to do it make it light and transparent, so the reader can skip across it, imbibing the essentials. "Caitlin looked across the ocean at the setting sun. As she walked, she could feel the sand between her toes, a last reminder of the sea. She put her hands in the pockets of her battered hoodie ..." Much less poetical, but a bit more effective.

Anyway, I think this shows HUGE potential. If you keep on like this, it's only a matter of time before you'll be doing book-signing tours. Bookshelved.

Dear R E,


Cariad is a yacht berthed just two jetties away from us. How about that? A beautiful, eighty year old lady. Very pretty.

OK, let’s go. Your synopsis, that wad of copy is not easy to read for a lightweight brain like mine. Will you give it some air by dividing it into a number of paragraphs, each separated by a line space? Much better visual presentation and inviting to read.

Go a bit easier on adjectives and adverbs. They tend to sensationalize the writing. See John Steinbek’s journal of a novel. If the noun or verb is weak, seek the appropriate one.

I am appreciating your writing but feel it might be tightened.

This is not criticism, but looking for opportunities to tweak and polish. Who made the observation in the opening paragraph? An off-stage narrator, or you seeing the ocean and the sky. Perhaps precede with an opening sentence …. I stood on the shore. It immediately makes the story character-driven.

Could we introduce dialogue there? You’re thinking aloud or talking to yourself because no one can hear you. It allows the reader to glimpse the character’s mind.

But it reads well. I ain’t complaining about the writing. Much approval of short, sparse, unembellished sentences. Howzat for adjectives coming from someone who says don’t use them?

Cariad the novel and not the yacht is on my bookshelf.

No more from me. I am working fifteen hours a day and very pushed for time.

I do have two pages on writing a novel based on my own experience in being published.
It has appeared elsewhere on Authonomy. If you haven’t seen them, message me and I shall past it into your comments box.

Go well with your stuff. I really struggle to write.


Have fun,



Pierre Van Rooyen

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree.

Hi R.E.,
I've Watchlisted 'Cariad' to read more and will move up to my shelf later. I like this. I'm getting a feel for the characters - Caitlin is sympathetic and Simon sounds like a typical little brother. Catie's angst at her father's departure and having to leave the family home is very touching. One thing - referring to Mum as Nia one minute and then back to mum is a bit confusing. (Oh - I noticed a typo in Chapter 2 - 'foot' court instead of 'food'!)
But very promising and I definitely wnat to read on.
Da iawn!
Lizzie C (The Mill at Carreg Bran)

You may want to watch for repeating of word, Chapter 1 paragraph 4 you have used the word sand three times within three short sentences. Maybe try replacing with words like gritty grains or course powder. I notice other cases of this in the chapters I've read so far.
I do applaud your dialogue, it sounds real. And your story concept is intriguing. The piece is definitely entertaining.
I think you have the makings of a good first story here and I'm more than happy to give you a boost by placing it on my shelf.
Jan (LAZY CATS)

Lots of people will criticise the slow start and perhaps suggest starting with the discovery of the dragon drawing as a hook. I like to be drawn slowly into a story and left to discover the reason for each incident. On my shelf and good luck. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

You certainly have a way with words. This has some very lyrical and poetic language. Your descriptions are often colourful and paint a wonderfully graphic picture. It feels like you have complete control over the story and I think it would appeal very much to the young readers you are targeting. I'm not normally a fan of fantasy fiction but your writing lifts this book out of genre classification. I really hope the next chapters are as good as the first part you've uploaded.

Good luck with it,
Stephen H

This is a good read. You write well and Caitlin is a well drawn character. You have an interesting plot which has lots of potential. If you listen to those on here who know about writing then it will be even better. Ask TomW for a crit, he is particularly good, but be sure to read his, 'Nick of Time', first ;-)
Bests,
Annabelle
(Adelaide Short)

Not at all bad for a first novel. Read the first couple of chapters and was impressed by the way you connect to Caitlin and draw us in to her world. Liked the way you showed her mum and dad as real people too - not just adult stereotypes in Caitlin's world. Needs a bit of tightening up in places but overall a good read. Worth a shelf to get you some more exposure on here. Good writing.

The effect of parent's fighting and the effect on their children is well depicted here. I think that in the opening lines you should immediately place Catie in the frame. At the moments it's an overview and there are too many unnecessary words. Vast, blue, ocean. Oceans are vast. And you use blue twice.

As Catie goes round the house the reader can sense her feelings of loss and regret. This room had been my haven - you don't need the rest of the line. Also cut 4 walls. Unless a room is a strange shape it will have four walls.

The good-byes to their father were poignant.

This will go on my Watch List. I'll be back for more.

Joanna