Damn You

PS:
This book is NOT a religious novel. I do not wish to sell it to Christian bookstores and do not believe in "organized" religion. Although I have used spiritual theories such as Heaven, Hell and the Garden of Eden as my settings, these are simply meant as places of fiction. The characters: the Angels, God and the Devil are pure fantasy. Clearing your minds of any preconceived “religious” notions will better allow yourself to appreciate the story, some new ideas, and an alternate view of a divine world beyond.
Again, this novel is fantasy/fiction only. Hope you enjoy!

THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE WONDERFUL COMMENTS EVERYONE!!!!

Hi Cheryl,
I was drawn to your pitch, so I thought I’d stop by and check out your story. Below are my findings/comments. They are of course my humblest opinions, so take them for whatever they’re worth.
Regarding your short pitch, my personal bias is that direct questions to the reader are overdone and not as effective as hard-hitting, strong verbage to lead the reader to those questions. Otherwise, it’s a pretty good hook, though I’d be leery of overusing semicolons. Publishers generally don’t like them.
The long pitch is well written, but could be scrubbed a bit to be more effective. Keep it to the hooks and whittle out the unnecessary details. Your goal here is to lure the reader into turning the page or opening the book, not to explain the nuances or tell the backstory. With that in mind, do we need to know here that tazz is born in the Garden of Eyyden? And we have no understanding of what Guideian status is, which means it doesn’t do anything for you in terms of a hook. Save those parts for the story.
ORTUS ANGELUS
Just something to consider: emdashes, ellipses and semicolons are not a favorite of many publishers. Use them sparingly.
In the first line, “them” is weak and doesn’t really correlate well with the list you include just after. Moreover, the list doesn’t really work. You start with semicolons to indicate that you’re listing the things she hears, but you only list two things. Lists come in a minimum of three as a general rule, and if you only have two, you ought to have an “and” to complete it for clarity.
“My skin sparkled…” The ellipse in this sentence does nothing for you and isn’t really used properly. I’d replace with a comma.
I love this scene. You do a great job of establishing what’s going on without over telling, or taking the reader from the story. Just enough background info sprinkled in amidst story narration. Nicely done. That’s the sign of a writer’s touch.
Good dialogue. I think at times you could amp up the imagery between dialogues. Keep in mind that communication between characters is in more than simply words. Gestures, expressions, etc. play a huge part in allowing the reader to experience the dialogue and gauge reactions.
While I think a few parts could be smoothed out a bit, and scrubbed, your writing is very strong, and your ability to tell a story is even stronger. On top of that, the concept is very intriguing. Six starred and highly recommended. Thanks for sharing.
If you get a chance, I’d invite you to check out my pitch and read on if it interests you. If not, no worries, but I’d love to know what you thought.
All the best,
Phil
(Deshay of the Woods)

PS:
This book is NOT a religious novel. I do not wish to sell it to Christian bookstores and do not believe in "organized" religion. Although I have used spiritual theories such as Heaven, Hell and the Garden of Eden as my settings, these are simply meant as places of fiction. The characters: the Angels, God and the Devil are pure fantasy. Clearing your minds of any preconceived “religious” notions will better allow yourself to appreciate the story, some new ideas, and an alternate view of a divine world beyond.
Again, this novel is fantasy/fiction only. Hope you enjoy!

There are very few works of fiction that leave the reader "needing" to read more but this first chapter has left me shaking my head with wonder. beautifully written with a heroinne as ethereal as any angel but tinged with a good, wholesome normality that just makes the reader want to spend more time with her.
As for the religious over/undertones: I think each individual reader will decide for themselves and if they're desparately looking for religion, they'll find it in any novel. Changing the letters in names won't help dissuade the zealots.
Brilliant idea, strong characterisation and I hope the rest is as good as the first.
Marcus Fisch
The Alchemists' Cookbook

Hello Cheryl! I have to admit, the moment I found your book I was intrigued. One of my earlier novels (not posted here since it's not any good) had a similar plot to yours except more action-adventure-y. I read about three chapters, which is the most I can read given my time constraints, but I have a few comments and critiques. I hope these help you!

I actually showed the first chapter to my roommate (also a writer), and we agreed that the book does seem to retain a religious aspect. I know that you're not going for that, but it remains there - especially with the capitalization of Him and the way you refer to things. If you don't want it to be religious and purely a work of fantasy, you need to get away from that. My roommate at first thought that this was something akin to the Left Behind series and that you were aiming for the religious category. Maybe the name changes alone were not enough to make it less religious. I think you have the issue of making it religious for the sake of publishing and marketability or totally removing any aspect that could be considered religious. Just my two cents.

The dialogue was another problem I had. It seemed rather stilted and it did not flow well. I know these are supposed to be angelic beings, but on paper their dialogue did not seem like something entirely readable or believable. The human dialogue was much better, but there still could be some editing and polishing to make it seem more real.

Chapter three, you do have a few grammatical errors and some bad word choices - I can't remember exactly what, but just a few minutes and a keen eye will catch these.

Overall, you have a great premise on your hands. What your issue is if you are to reach the publication level is the readability. That is really the only issue I have with it, but then again a lot of other commenters seem to think that you've done a great job in the flow department, so it might just be me. It might be worth another good, thorough edit, though, to check for these flow issues and to look especially at the dialogue to make sure it isn't stilted and is easily readable. You have a great premise and a GREAT imagination, definitely things that I consider VERY important for writing. No worries in that department!

Good luck!
-Megan

(PS If you have a few spare moments, my novel Light could REALLY use some critiquing from writers in an at least similar field. We have the whole angels element in common, even if it's a different field of angels in the long run, and heaven definitely doesn't play a role in mine. But it would be very appreciated nevertheless.)

I usually don't read this catagory but you got my attention from the start and kept it, way to go! Definately a great read for eantasy enthusiasts.

Leslie Gervais
"Love Has No Borders"

will add to my BS a.s.a.p.

Wow this is a fascinating idea! I love the way you make Jesus and the angels so honestly good, without being stern and pious and unrelatable. You discribe your two enviroments (Earth and Eden) vividly and your concept of Eden made me smile. Good luck and keep up the good work!

A clever and witty concept. This is very original with an entertaining structure and witty content. The writing flows ok and it is nice to read a book with a different slant. Jesus is such a down to earth character that I found him relatable and I was amused at certain aspects. This has the potential to go far, hopefully you will receive constructive advice on the grammar, as I am no expert and using the feedback on here should boost it up the rankings.

Good luck and it has been on my shelf for quite a while.

Lisa

Wonderful Idea...nice opening it caught my attention right away...great read...backed with pleasure. Juliax

This was so refreshing to read, It would make a really good movie and straight away I felt like I was quickly getting to know the various characters. It's a great story, from reading it so far...and now I am going to take a look at your other book, good job !

This first chapter draws me right into the story! I'm just a bit confused as to whether "Ortus Angeles" is one or more characters. If just the main character, it should say she was born to meet HER maker (not their). If it's more than one angel, that should be clarified.
Your descriptions create a good picture. But be careful about substituting words such as "tresses" for "hair" to keep it sounding natural. (Would you tell a friend you'd been brushing your tresses?") And why does her skin sparkle? Are there drops of water or bits of glitter on her face? Think about every word before choosing the one that best fits. I think pride filled their eyes because they couldn't see clearly if pride covered their eyes. "Adulating" is another word that seems out of place. And did you mean blinking bike pedals or flower petals? I hope you don't mind my picking -- I loved every other word! (P.S. You might also look up how to use semi-colons.) Great story so far!

Read a little more than I intended just for stars, Cheryl. I liked your style, simple and comfortable, although I wasn't fond of 'tinkling grass.'

I found a little burp with the name 'Ortus Angelus in the prologue. I thought it was singular (a person), but the rest of the prologue referred to 'it' as plural. I got it, but I had to deliberately 'get it' as opposed to naturally 'getting it.' (I don't always make sense -:) )

I think you want 'rose-colored.'

Anyway, while I'm here I think it deserves a backing. Best of luck with it.

Great story.... Awesome flow! Backed with pleasure!!

Cheryl,
I have to say that after reading your pitch I was not sure what to expect. What I found was a very beautiful story.
I read the first two chapters. They flowed beautifully. I found no errors in grammer or punctuation that would throw me out of the story.

I loved your depiction of Jesus. In the Bible Jesus consorted with the common folk. In fact God sent Him to us on our level as we could never attain His level. So Jesus wearing the clothes of current time really is in keeping with how Jesus did behave.

There is the Latin Bible called the Vulgate. It means that it is written in the common language or the "vulgar" language. It is only recently that vulgar has acheived a new meaning. Anyway, as time moved on the church decided that Jesus would not have spoken so plainly and so the King James version made his speach a little more flowery. The meaning is still the same, only the style of speach has been elevated. With the new translations the way Jesus speaks has been brough back to how he originally spoke. Which is just like the rest of us.

I love the way you have written this. In fact I will say honestly that this is in publishable quality. One of the few I have found on this site. There are a lot of really good ones, but this one seems ready to go to press.

I will agree with some of your other comments about your audience. As Christianity is the main theme some Secular presses my choose to steer clear of it. You may not have written this for a Christian audience but the publishers are the ones that decide how a book is catagorized and marketed.

Anne Rice's new books about Jesus as well as her books about the Angels are Christ centered and yet still secularily received. It may be worthwhile to see who her publisher is.

Finally, there is a book called "The Shack". Within that book are the characters of the Trinity presented in a very unique perspective. That book was a major bestseller, proving that show the Trinity in new light and forms can be well received.

I wish you the very best of luck with this book and look forward to someday purchasing a copy.

Most Sincerely,
Sharon Van Orman

Hi- I already backed, but had time to finish the read. The read is very smooth.I am going to offer how I think it could be improved simply because I really like it and want to see the concept reach it's potential. Everything is very expected. I relate, I understand, it is clear, but I also feel like everything is happening just as I would have suspected. No surprises that throw me off guard or make me feel like I HAVE to find out what happens next.

The only other thing is that you write that this book is NOT a religious novel, but so far it seems obvious that it is. You actually use the character God, Jesus and the status of the angels throughout. You refer to Jesus as God's son which is the whole basis of christianity. And you speak as if you know the truth about God and that it is so different than how humans see Him. Which I am not stating that this is bad, but that when you have a book that Jesus is a main character, you are kind of limiting yourself to the Christian audience. And then on the other side, you make speeches about who God is... that can rub a lot of christians the wrong way.

So, I am curious as who your specific audience is because the above concept may confuse publishers and think it is not for them. My suggestion would be to decide on the audience. If it is NOT christian, maybe that means taking Jesus out of the picture, and just having a person that is representative of God.... I dont know just suggestions, I still love it but I am considering 'the marketplace'.

I actually consider my book to be religious, yet I call God and Lucifer by different names, so it is not 'compared' too rigidly to the bible...

This is an original work for sure and one that I am very keen on following.
Your writing is very good indeed. It flows nicely and is full of vivid desciptions. Your dialogue is also excellent.

You have created a thought provoking story here, and I'm curious as to where it will lead......

Backed.

Simon,
Yuko Zen is Somewhere Else.

I honestly didn't know what to expect - often when people say they have their own opinion of what Jesus is like it is less than flattering - but I absolutely loved your portrayal of the Messiah. I thought it was lovely, closer to a Biblical perspective of Him than I've found in many other places.

Your writing is easy to read, immediately drew me in, and I don't think I found anything I would have picked apart. I honestly have nothing to criticize in it, and I'm gladly backing your book because I really think you've got a winner here, as well as having a very publishable talent.

:)
Sherry

I am backing this book. I actually think the title is perfectly fitting. Sometimes the shock of people realizing that they will be judged is a good thing. Besides that, I havent even read much of the book yet, but I really want to. I think this book could be a best seller because it is a book that christians and non-christians would like to read. I cant wait to read the rest and suggest it to others.

I would love for you to read my book, I think you would like it. It has a similar feel of "what if"... but a completely different story and premise. It is titled PHEN. I love books that make us think like this.
I will write more after I read it.
Good Luck.
Lorin

I am backing this book. I actually think the title is perfectly fitting. Sometimes the shock of people realizing that they will be judged is a good thing. Besides that, I havent even read much of the book yet, but I really want to. I think this book could be a best seller because it is a book that christians and non-christians would like to read. I cant wait to read the rest and suggest it to others.

I would love for you to read my book, I think you would like it. It has a similar feel of "what if"... but a completely different story and premise. It is titled PHEN. I love books that make us think like this.
I will write more after I read it.
Good Luck.
Lorin

Dear Ms. Petro,

Last night at 2:58 am (EST) when I should have been sleeping, I was thinking about your book. Then it occurred to me, when I left a comment for you yesterday, September 29, it was the Catholic calendar day of Michael, Gabriel, and Raphael. Nice coincidence? Instead of saying d--- you, for keeping me up, I said a little prayer for you instead.

GK

Dear Cheryl Petro,

It’s obvious that you spend much time thinking about the angels and Jesus, so I was pleasantly surprised by your book. Frankly, your pitch, “me” page, and even the title Damn You are a lot more cynical than your thoughtful and faith-filled story, young lady. You’re a lot sweeter than you let on, my dear, and I wish you well with your beautiful work. The premise is outstanding and so is your writing, but I don’t want you to think I’m flattering you, so I better not write it.

Sincerely,

GK Stritch
CBGB Was My High School

Brilliant. A gripping, multilayered fantasy adventure. Great themes. Thought-provoking narrative. Convincing characters. Atmospheric. A unique storyline. Brilliant writing. A compelling, compulsive read. Backed.

Dear Cheryl, I love the idea of being an angel - they are sent to minister to those appointed unto salvation (Hebrews 1). :) Your pitch is excellent, so set the hook for me to read your book. :) When you use short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, it makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing your book. :)
Could you please take a moment to back my TWO memoir books? Thanks, Susie :)

This is information from authonomy (so beware of any other untrue information you may receive that is spam & not quotes of authonomy):
"When you back a book, it only improves the ranking of that book, not yours. However, the author whose book you are backing may decide to back your book also, in which case yes, your ranking would be improved"...authonomy quote.
"Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs.

Well, what a disappointment ... I read all of Chapters 1 to 3, then all those dratted XXs!

I want to know where this is going - you are progressing well with setting out an interesting moral dilemma ... how and why do we blame people for what is not their fault?
When IS bad or even violent and cruel behaviour someone's fault?
What might be forgiven in an afterlife by a being who knew 'the whole story'?
And even more difficult, what things, what actions might be unforgivable - and why?

Cheryl, you are well on with a clear setting out of the problem ... are you struggling with the solution?
I look forward to reading what it might be. I find ethics the most difficult part of philosophy. You are a brave woman to tackle it.

Good luck - best wishes.
Roger Thurling

I really like your descriptive style and the vulnerability of Tazza. Good luck with it. E.Loraine Royal Blood Chronicles book one

I did enjoy the story, a nice read. I think you know Jesus more than you want to admit . . . blessings.

Had to admit the phraseology in the opening did bring a wry smile, I thought it was great.
I think the characterisation is what makes this that little bit special; you have two brilliantly drawn characters. This has been a joy to read. Good luck.

A finely crafted and highly imaginative story - I especially like the first person narrative. Even though your use of imagery is superb in some paragraphs you tend to over-describe and that clutters up your lovely writting style. Backed with pleasure.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

This is very well written. I like the idea of it. It flows really well. Best of luck with it.

Mandi Oyster
Dacia Wolf & the Prophecy

Hi Cheryl -- I liked Jesus. I will back you soon for very original work.
Best wishes, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

I have to say, this is probably the most interesting book I've read this week. I only read a couple chapters but I can tell you set this up great. Just the 'what if' questions in your pitch had me hooked, how could I not check out the rest. Your two characters are great, I could relate to them regardless of the fact that I am nothing like either one, they were that believeable to me. Oh, and I liked the way you portrayed Jesus, it's different and thought provoking. Great job with this, I'll be back for more.

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Hi Cheryl
I like the pitch and the way you set the story up. Religious fiction is really popular right now and you can benefit from this. A really unique idea and one that I would certainly like to read more of.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Cheryl,
I liked the casual approach to the whole thing. It is a surprising and fresh approach.
I have backed the book.
A zoomer

Intriguing first few pages (time as ever here at a premium). Some good hooks into the story and developing nicely so far. Will read some more and add any additional thoughts in the next couple of days.

Clive
Cincinnati Dancing Pig

Cheryl: both of rhese pitches worked for me. Nothing to gig you on in this regard. Perfecting your pitches is how you climb in ranking to gather more exposure and comments to better your novel. The writing is good so I am SHELVING you.

Though I have been a very active member for over a year, I can still use your comments on my book when you get the chance. Every little bit helps. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau Key

This is an interesting story. Tazza is a wonderful main character because she's so compassionate and yet has this huge decision to make. Your portrayal of Jesus is equally good; making him a very human person is clever plotting. Overall, I liked this a lot. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

I think teenagers will like this combination of extremism in plot, the character experiencing power and the whole idea of being 'above it all.' Backing it.

Rosalind
Good For Him

Laughed out loud at the first Chapter...a rare occurrence for me! Love how you portray Jesus. Have backed this and am waiting for edits to be done so I can read more! Good Job!

Case (Revelation)

Hi Cheryl,

A great opening chapter, the idea of Jesus in jeans and a t brought about a bit of a giggle. This seems light-hearted at the start but promises that there will be more in store than just a quirky concept (which I like - quirky always holds my interest as a reader). I'm interested to see where this goes and hope to read more.

all best,

Kit
Blue Fire

I thoroughly enjoyed the first two chapaters - very entertaining but you want the critique part which I normally don't pay attention to b ut here goes: In the first chapter you start nearly half of the pharagraphs with "Jesus...doing something - that's an easy fix and I found you second chapter literally perfect! I am compelled to keep reading this! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

Cheryl,
It's a pleasure reading a manuscript that has been carefully proofread. Thank you. Frankly, rather unusual on Autonomy.
But you wanted input on flaws...so here goes:

First, you have chosen to write the entire piece in short, simple sentences, with no variation...no complexity. This may be a style choice, but it starts to feel choppy and gets boring after a bit.

Be careful to avoid triteness. "I'm sorry, Nana. I should have been better. Where am I to go now?" No little boy with blood in his veins ever said this.
And Christ with a bluebird? Please! Now, if the bird had pooped on Jesus desk, and he'd reacted well to that, I would have been impressed.

But the biggest problem I see is with the lack of characterization. In the first five chapters, no insight is offered into the boy's character. He doesn't have a personality. Tazza is watching him 24/7. Surely she has some idea of who he is...not just what he does. There is too much emphasis on the feelings of Tazza who is, after all, an angel and not as fascinating to us as a fellow human. I found myself developing no empathy for the boy at all, and an outright dislike for the delicate-sweet angel.

The core concept is a popular one, and there are certainly people out there who are looking for hope, but you need to put more substance into this. You have a wonderful imagination when it comes to description...apply it to character!

Wendy Bertsch
(Once More...From The Beginning)

i love the poem,

this a good book

anba
L.O.V.E

Nice job
I always admire those who use poetry as atmosphere
This is an inspirational story
Loved the cover art
It is touching
Your type of manuscript is what publishers and agents seek
I wish you all the best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Love this!! :D

Hey Cheryl,
I loved the beginning of this. Very interesting-- laughing and poking fun at Jesus is not something I'd ever imagined, but now, I can. I like seeing that different side. I always thought of Jesus as serious, maybe from years of Sunday school. And then I started thinking, what if some angel is watching my life and judging me? Crap!!!! Also, I like how some issues are inherent in this, like good vs. evil, predestined or not, fate or not, and so on. I really like the concept. On my shelf.

Hi Cheryl

I've read all there was - since chapter 14 was either filler to make up the space or a very very cryptic chapter! - the more detailed notes are in the preceding comments. Overall this is a great idea and the story is told simply and well. Damon is a sympathetic character, definitely more sinned against than sinning at this point. My major concern is that the angelic viewpoint does not seem to be contributing much more than a conventional take on his trials and tribulations. Perhaps things will rev up more as the story unfolds? Anyway, it is an intriguing premise and I am happy to shelve it.

Nicole

chapter 13: I'm not sure about the bit about wanting to lead the congregation out to sing in the flowery meadows - it's a bit cheesy and Coca Cola ad-ish as a vision of religious ecstasy for my taste...

Chapter 11: The spelling of his name seems to swap backwards and forwards between "Daman" and "Damon"? Again, another very powerful chapter. Things seem to have got much worse very quickly!

chapter 10: very powerful. Was Tazza just being paranoid about the man who gave him a lift? Is this supposed to be an indication of Tazza's fallibility? I find her continuing naivete a little frustrating - somehow you expect an angel to have a slightly more encompassing world view.

Nicole

Cheryl

A couple more typos in chapter 9:
no fullstop after "usual tricks"
"didn't have any effect"

Nicole

Hi Cheryl

A couple of small things, I"ll note them as I go along:

in chapter 4 typo "tantrums", not "trantrums"
in chapter 7: should be "bearing witness" and "iron fist"
So far, Tazza seems to have amazingly high standards - unsurprisingly I suppose, she is an angel after all! Actually Daman doesn't seem to be too bad, considering his upbringing.

Will comment more as I read.

Nicole
(Chosen)