HELL

HELL.

I came for the read swap. I am gobsmacked! I read all six chapters that you have posted and am asking as an instant fan that you post more. I am not long out of high school myself, you have nailed it. The dialogue is so perfect - you have captured the dark aspects of your story magnificently and I am captivated by this. I saw the whole thing in my mind like a movie - I would kill to have this in book form, I think it would really take off. It's really sinister and gritty but so realistic and the prose is polished...I haven't a bad word to say. I would recommend this to anyone my age, it would appeal to almost everyone I know. The pitch, title and cover caught my attention straight away - you have something special here.

Backing HELL with pleasure and admiration, I hope you go far with this
Melanie.

If Chad Klutgen and Chuck Palalhniuk had sex their love child would be John R. Lindensmith. No shit. read this first chapter. Oh, wait, I remember, unless it's got space ships and vampires screwing humans no one will read it. too bad. this is great.

Dear John,

It has taken me a while to get around to reading your novel, my apologies. I have not read anything as stark in a while, and had to get used to it. I did not go to school in America; but it seems to portray an uncanny reality behind all that awful Hollywood nonsense that the rest of the world is blessed with. I think you have depicted the most despicable characters, and have done so uncompromisingly. Yes, they have a lot in common, but that is exactly the point. You have ironised them in a manner which I feel is rare in American writing, not letting it unravel in an anodyne account of those bygone high school days. It seems to me a slice of uncompromising and painfully honest naturalism: those characters are not the exception, but prototypes. Slick and all-conforming on the outside, depraved and empty on the inside. That you can tell that story without constantly bursting into holy anger, as I would, is alone a sign of great discipline. The story offers a very astute insight into the kind of people our Western world thrives on, and then satirically carries them into their natural extreme. That the irony of their own narrative is entirely lost on them makes it even more authentic. It is very good, but it did depress me. "Movere": to be able to move the reader, that is what the Romans actually called high style, and you do achieve this. My only concern would be that this could be read as the ramblings of a tiny minority (and other comments seem to confirm this). God forbid it ends up in the backpacks of the cool kids. Yes, these characters reduce everything to a sexual urge, because that's all that emptiness leaves them. I would like to say that e.g. the sexual scenes are gratuitous, but that is exactly how they would feature and be reported in those people's recollections. It's a disturbing read, and you make it convincing and true. I could go on, but suffice it to say, it's going on the shelf. A courageous publisher will go for it (I know, that's that problem).

All the best,
Sascha

Raw, real, shocking. Three things that more books need. And you have them all in spades. Very reminiscent of Jim Carroll's The Basketball Diaries - if only a publisher today would be brave enough to mass publish this. I think this type of writing deserves a lot of attention and the fact that you write so well makes me support you even more. Thanks for bringing to the front what is at the back in the deepest pits of the mind.

This is very pessimistic, very relevant, very well written and the characters just leap out at you. Even by the end of chapter 1, I had an excellent idea of who everyone is, and the switches of POV are done so expertly, I stopped noticing them after a few minutes. I can see this becoming a really big cult novel. Style-wise it's a bit like Alex Garland's The Beach: short, snappy sentences, spare description, just pulls the reader along effortlessly until the fairly disturbing becomes oddly routine. I like and respect Maitreyi (below), but I completely disagree with her on this one. I think the movement from character to character is part of the author's overall strategy. In any case, what you're doing worked for any number of novels from As I Lay Dying to Small Island. It's just that you do it a bit more frequently, that's all. But this is Hell, after all, and Hell's the main character. Take Maitreyi's advice if you like, but I think it works fine just as it is. Bookshelved.

I love the description of the school, "It's a cold place, a dark place, where the people are divided, the stronger devour the weak, and where souls are scarred for eternity." This creates an excellent image. I'd cut the last "where" though, since it isn't necessary.

The repetition in the opening when we're in Irene's perspective is powerful, helping to establish the mood and developing her character. "These are the best years of your life" was very effective.

Great line: "I'm me. And that's why people hate me."

I'm impressed with the writing style. It is tightly written and polished, each sentence flowing smoothly. You have great control over your language.

Good voice. I was worried at first when I saw all of the different perspectives. I wasn't sure you would be able to pull off writing first person from each of these perspectives, but you did so with ease. Nice work.

Your characters may be difficult to relate to due to the fact that they're such extremes, but there's enough sympathy there in a few of them that most readers should be able to connect to them. Really, though, Irene and April were the only characters I really connected with. The rest mostly made me upset. Possibly consider giving them at least one redeeming quality? Then again, that might go directly against what you're going for.

You've woven these different perspectives together well, which is another difficult thing to do with this many in the opening chapter.

Your use of dialogue is believable. Limited tags, short, fragmented responses. Very well done.

Suggestions: Is it necessary to mention, "The outer walls of the school are made of red brick," since you've already mentioned the "brick complex?" I found Megan's voice the hardest to relate to. She sounded too much like guy. I can believe her being fickle towards the guys at school and wanting a hotter guy, but her focus on sex seemed too masculine. The target audience is a bit lost on me. This is labeled literary fiction, yet the characters are all high schoolers, yet it's far too adult to be written for young adults. It'll be a tough sell in terms of who to market this to. Just something to think about.

In the end I was hooked. This is well-written, edited, and intriguing. Highly rated!

Not much I can add to all the other comments you've received- all well deserved. Pretty fair portrayal of high school life as best I can remember it- even if my experience was somewhat different (though much of it had an eeie resonance).
But my favorite touch was the switching narrative voices. You've established your different characters and their various personalities in quick order, creating an easily distinguishable cast of characters and set the tone for the book before the end of the first chapter. That's a nice feat for even the most accomplished writer.
Looking forward to see where you take it from here.
Doug Thurston
VOODOO INFERNO

Hi John,

I'm glad I finally got a chance to take a look at this. I, like many other, commend you for putting together a nice gritty portrayal of the American high school experience. Yes, it's been done before but not quite as raw as this, which is good. Really good. But this is something to consider: On the one hand, the subject matter lends itself to the YA category, yet the stark realism pushes it more towards something for people older than that. I think the problem we run into here then is that from an adult perspective, your characters (particularly the "cool" ones) are a bit too stereotypical to be credible. Characters like Megan need more nuance, because otherwise they seem more like cartoon characters than real people. What seems very clear after the first chapter is that the author is far more sympathetic to the "loser" kids, giving them plenty of depth, whilst the cool kids (with the exception of Randy) are rendered as though through the eyes of the "loser" kids.

Aside from that, your prose and dialogue are very, very strong, and I really enjoyed the way you presented the story using the actual characters perspectives as chapters. You clearly know what you're doing when it comes to writing in general, so just give my comments above some thought.

Highly rated by me, John. -cc

Good long pitch. This is an interesting way of writing each character being in the first person so we get to know what lies behind each character. The whole thing is quite edgy, and emotional whether it’s about control, being in control or taking control. It’s a very good read. You allow us to find some empathy with each character yet revulsion when viewed by another. A good book that opens our minds and perceptions.

Wilma1

Knowing Liam Riley – I hope you can spare a moment to take a look.

Hi John, What a vivid imagination! This is quite a story! It certainly not my type of book but I'm sure your effort and time will pay off with a book deal. I wish you well! Backed. Harold Alvin(ICON)Wesley

wow - to be honest i only had a look at this because the title is so similar to mine (mine's called Like Hell, although that's a working title and Hell is another one i was thinking of), but having read the first chapter i was blown away by it. its certainly like nothing else i've read here, and is very professional, very visceral and very gritty. loved it.

about as different to my book as possible, by the way

This is so real. Even to someone who's not experienced high school as such, it's still an age everyone's been at, and you capture the harsh realism perfectly. Gripping and stunning.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx
Relic

John- wow not sure where to start but perhaps a chapter critique swop and authonification stuff - best wishes Richard

I loved this story, it is very polished--I enjoyed your style, its neat with excellent support from the setting and voice. The writing is stellar and descriptions compelling. I think you made some great choices with the characters and dialogue
People will find this book very relatable
Your opening strikes a mighty blow—intense
I wish you all the best
Scott
The Esrevinu Chronicles/Secrets of the Elephant Rocks

Hell

Wow this has gritty characters. This has so appealed not so much for the storyline but for how you have worked the characters, it is this that has made this come alive!
There’s not a sunny smile fluffy marshmallow in sight – Backed for its brilliance.

This is a well written and interesting read. The mark of the story is the characters: instead of being typical cheerleader highschoolers, they're outsiders, each for his or her own reason. And each heading for destruction in a unique way. A good read. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

EXtremely well written,enjoyable book. You certainly have an eye or is it a finger for youthful drama.
This is sure to do well.

backed

This book has to be the best that I've read all year. I feel actual connections with the characters, something that only two books have ever accomplished. The settings are all realistic, the situations highly possible in this day and age, and it's got me hooked. I've backed it, and I'm more than interested in finding out how the story ends, although I'll be sad to see it end, seeing as how this is my favorite story on authonomy.

Brandon Cooper - Black House

John, what a fantastic depiction of high school life, and teenage thinking this is. You put us right inside the hormone-frenzied minds of both genders with your witty. tongue-in-cheek voice. Your prose is both zippy and intelligently written. One of the most enjoyable reads I've had in some time. Backed for one talented author.
Thomas J Winton
"Beyond Nostalgia"

Wow, this is great, it reminds me of high school! I think you have nailed modern day teens right on the head! Kids in school do talk like this regardless of others wondering if it is offensive! I found it disturbing but in a good way and I am going to keep reading (only about a quarter of the way through). This would be great as a movie....

Good luck to you in the future, this is gonna get noticed and go far!
Backed with much pleasure!
Missy

Hell has attitude.
Angry.
Teenage angst, disenfranshisement, debasement, reality.
Writing brings out real character. A solid piece of work. Though, when i read 'My bowels are weak' i expected an almighty fart.

BACKED

The first ever quote at the beginning of a novel that I didn't mind - in fact, I loved it. Battery going on lap top - will be back to comment more - absolutely loved this. Backed with great enthusiasm. Cx

Though your first chapters made me wonder whether I have lived the life of a saint and the rest of the world, the sinner, I still liked the contrasts.
Dave, though intensely disliking his girl, nevertheless knocks nine bells out of her. On the other hand, Irene doesn't seem entirely the girl who we would expect to seek a quick exit from her virginity.
Even so, what counts is that, for me, Irene and Jack were accessible - Irene, I should say, particularly so!
Certainly you illuminate the danger to youth when, driven perhaps the more intensely by a combination of energy and pheremones, they can come to lack the restraint needed to avoid spoiling each other's lives with the collateral damage a 'cesspool of sex' can do in terms of family and offspring.
Fluous, clear prose, pace good.
Swearing? Don't want to join the prurient, but I can't help wondering if, in this particular department, a few judicious cuts might win you still broader appeal. However, this has to be a small point when compared with the light that, overall, you so well throw on your theme and, combined with the promise of your synopsis, I think you will find many who will be intrigued by Hell.
Best wishes,
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

I really like how you go from one charcter's POV to the next. It's so well done, their 'voices' are so individual .Your first line - "These are the best years of your life" - some prick - made me smile. I don't want to sound condescending, but I can't believe you're only 20, you write with a maturity far beyond your years. Backed.

A raw piece of writing in the best possible way. OK, so your narrative might offend one or two (err, thousand) personally I found it refreshing and a rivetting read.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

Hey
I do not get on here much lately, but I started reading Hell last night as it caught my interest. It pulled me in, making me intrigued as to what all these characters were moving towards. I love how you are emphasising all that is nasty and wrong with todays youth. It makes me angry to read it, and I like to feel emotion from what I read. Very bold story that I am looking forward to reading to the end.
Backed.
J

Thank you for your comment on Bloodline. I am intrigued by your book just from reading this small bit about
it. It is not my usual genre of interest but I have added to my watchlist purely due to the comments you have received. I look forward to reading it soon.
J

John,

I love this for all the right and wrong reasons--mostly for the wrong. First, I love your quote, "These are the best years of your life." -- by some prick. That made me crack up. What that one liner also did was make me want to read on, which is a smart ploy to lure the reader into your story.

You struck a familiar chord in me regarding my somewhat distant school experience. Although, my high school experience was not bad, my junior high school (now called middle school) years which were a nightmare. Even though, I'm 44, you were able to tap into those frightful years. You are so right that school is a cesspool where one can get lost and sell their soul.

I think you've found such a real topic that will reach out to the adult reader who can identify with this story on some level and DRAG them, kicking and screaming, back to their youth.

Thanks for the dark memories!

Backed,
Janine
MY KIND OF CRAZY

My gosh, I remember some down moments in my schooldays, but nothing like this. The structure is unique so far in my Authonomy readings, and blows POV etc. doctrine clean out of the water. It works very well, and shows what an author can do with independent thinking. The author clearly knows what he is doing. backed.

A coming of age expertly told by you at your age, good grief man what are you going to be like when you're older? Excellent writing and shelved with pleasure.

Much admired

Bob

I'm not sure what to make of this; I like the concept and I think you have a good grasp of your subject matter, but I don't know if it all feels to exaggerated for me. My school had elements of this, but it was all talk and no action. This seems way more intense. If it is like that, then ignore me and carry on. On the plus side, what you have got is written in a striking and original fashion, and is very compelling. I suppose this is how the kind of shootings at schools in America happen, so maybe what you're writing is realistic. I dunno. Anyway, good luck!

Andrew

Wow, I was loving this at first. Okay, the whole high school as hell thing is perhaps slightly over played and if this really is a 'high school' book, is 'Hell' the best title for it (would it be confused as a horror title?). But Jack's voice was terrific - well written, authentic, tortured teen. Great stuff.

...and then, oh my gosh, you lost it (in my opinion). Megan sounded like a boy masquerading as a girl in the way she objectified males, specifically their length of their penises. Do you really think girls think like this? Megan is a real ugly bitch stereotype that has no elements of shade whatsoever. No-one has this high self esteem about themselves in their own head either.

So, for a moment I was really excited but I'm afraid after Megan (and Chad) I was left feeling hollow, that you weren't creating characters with enough depth for me to feel like I would want to read on.

And yet, that beginning. So good. So good...

Well John, right out of the gate I would have to say that if you have allowed an amount of personal experience to leak past the edges of your story, as many writers do, you certainly seem to have had a different experience in school than I can recall but that would be a comment disguised within a veneer for the world has changed, or has it. Could I be wrong? And could this have been where H.L.Mencken was really going with his 'reasonably bright boy' all those years ago? Was something else lurking even then behind a different veneer? Perhaps and perhaps also Mencken felt constrained by his society and their mores to write more generally, more obliquely so as not to offend? You are obviously not similarly afflicted.

I think that here you, as did Mencken have attempted to see as a contemporary disgrace something of which our age has been perhaps, perhaps not, justifiably proud. That is our schools, our culture and our youth. Perhaps though we have placed too much reliance on technology to take the place of skills, on television to take the place of experience and on appearances to take the place of observation. Perhaps we are really all just fools disguised as morons.

Here you have allowed your depraved characters full reign over their desires and their hormones. You have described their actions with sufficient natural intent and you have expressed yourself with certainty. Many people will feel that you are somehow wrong with that expression but I will not be counted as one of them. I believe that 'Hell' is a wake up. I believe that with your expulsion of this story, decency will be fostered rather than shamed and that opportunities for further pronouncements are provided.

If Goethe said, with good reason, that 'with our virtues we simultaneously cultivate our faults' and if, as everyone knows, 'a hypertrophic virtue can serve to destroy just as well as a hypertrophic vice', then people may make allowances. They may and yet there will be those that will continue to tell you 'these are the best years of your life'. RT

I find this first chapter a mixed bag, very good in parts and cliched in others. Although you use the first person, I felt detached from the characters and at times I thought I was reading notes for a screenplay.

I love American high school TV dramas, I have watched them all and I'm watching the latest offerings, but I don't feel this is as edgy as it should be. I'd rewrite the first chapter to make it punchier, you have dramatic events in your synopsis.

See, my high-school years weren't like this. The more media I read and see on teenage years, the more I'm convinced I went to the most boring high-school ever.

My own lamentations of wasted youth aside, I found this to be a powerful, stark, and well-written story. No complaints from me, sir -- backed.

youth captured brilliantly. shelved.

Hi John, I'm Irish and so my take on secondary school was all girls and pretty conventional, this is certainly different but the sad fact is that I would imagine most of it is true. We can be so cruel to each other and you have described this very well, it is a dark piece and I can only imagine it is going from here, I expect Jack will have a big part to play! Its shelved.
Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

Hi John

Can any school be that unremittingly evil? Maybe it can. It is very well written and believable but where do you go from here apart from the gruesome High School massacre. The characters certainly give cause for such treatment. It looks like Jack is going to give them what they deserve.
I think you have got real shock value and alarm here. It is all out there and up front. My suggestion is that with your undoubted writing talent, why not lace the story with some mystery and intrigue. The hint of violence can sometimes be more effective than the reality. Although violence written well usually hits the target.
Your story deserves to be shelved.

Ray

Hi John

Can any school be that unremittingly evil? Maybe it can. It is very well written and believable but where do you go from here apart from the gruesome High School massacre. The characters certainly give cause for such treatment. It looks like Jack is going to give them what they deserve.
I think you have got real shock value and alarm here. It is all out there and up front. My suggestion is that with your undoubted writing talent, why not lace the story with some mystery and intrigue. The hint of violence can sometimes be more effective than the reality. Although violence written well usually hits the target.
Your story deserves to be shelved.

Ray

Hi John

Can any school be that unremittingly evil? Maybe it can. It is very well written and believable but where do you go from here apart from the gruesome High School massacre. The characters certainly give cause for such treatment. It looks like Jack is going to give them what they deserve.
I think you have got real shock value and alarm here. It is all out there and up front. My suggestion is that with your undoubted writing talent, why not lace the story with some mystery and intrigue. The hint of violence can sometimes be more effective than the reality. Although violence written well usually hits the target.
Your story deserves to be shelved.

Ray

Hi John

Can any school be that unremittingly evil? Maybe it can. It is very well written and believable but where do you go from here apart from the gruesome High School massacre. The characters certainly give cause for such treatment. It looks like Jack is going to give them what they deserve.
I think you have got real shock value and alarm here. It is all out there and up front. My suggestion is that with your undoubted writing talent, why not lace the story with some mystery and intrigue. The hint of violence can sometimes be more effective than the reality. Although violence written well usually hits the target.

Ray

I am so glad you left me a message.

I haven't heard of your story yet, but I think it's one of the best I've read. I love the characters are. Although I do think the plot could have some more depth. I love the drama, but I think it's a little uncanny that there's so much petty drama. I would love some heavier stuff. All in all, keep it coming. Please.

'Lislee

John, I was caught up by your characters immediately, which is a huge selling point for any reader. I could literally feel the anxiety coursing through the young man's body when he heard his name being yelled. Bravo, excellent writing. I'll defintely try to sit down and read more of it soon.

Hi John!

You weild a wicked powerful pen, my friend. This is strong stuff! Edgy dialogue that defines and pushes the storyline without being forced. Character development is out of this world. Totally going on my shelf. Nice job!

Kim
Invisible Justice

wow there's such raw emotions runnin amock, shocking but great story.

John – I have reviewed your work Hell and I hope you take what I say with the spirit in which it was intended. Your novel needs a couple of more re-writes. I believe you are a great storyteller (which is rare in someone who is so young); you have come up with a good idea for novel with great characters and themes. While I respect the intensity in your writing – you need to dial it down in some areas or you risk fatiguing the reader. An example is your use of the F-Word. It no longer shocks anyone and it could be used successfully during a dialogue, but used over and over, it doesn’t impress, but rather takes away. Also, you need to work on weaving paragraphs together. I know all writers live in fear of the dreaded “run on sentence” but, your writing is coming off as a little choppy. Please don’t be insulted, but I think you should withdraw your entry and go over it with an editor you trust then resubmit it. I believe Hell has a lot of potential and I would hate for you to get it to the editor’s desk and then have an editor from Harper-Collins reject it.

John,
I like the idea of Hell High, and how you used each of the character's perspective to tell the story. I've seen it done only a few times. What I did notice, though was that the characters sound a lot of like, and they do a lot of talking inside their heads. I think each character would pop just a little more if they each had some kind of quirk or way of talking inside of their heads that differentiated them a little more. This was done really well in "Smack" and "Summer Sisters." Both are good examples of the young adult genre with character chapters.
Good luck,
Alisha

I have just read a few pages on my lunch break and I am already looking forward to reading more later this evening.

Very well written so far. Its really descriptive and I feel like I can picture the characters perfectly.

Dear John,

It has taken me a while to get around to reading your novel, my apologies. I have not read anything as stark in a while, and had to get used to it. I did not go to school in America; but it seems to portray an uncanny reality behind all that awful Hollywood nonsense that the rest of the world is blessed with. I think you have depicted the most despicable characters, and have done so uncompromisingly. Yes, they have a lot in common, but that is exactly the point. You have ironised them in a manner which I feel is rare in American writing, not letting it unravel in an anodyne account of those bygone high school days. It seems to me a slice of uncompromising and painfully honest naturalism: those characters are not the exception, but prototypes. Slick and all-conforming on the outside, depraved and empty on the inside. That you can tell that story without constantly bursting into holy anger, as I would, is alone a sign of great discipline. The story offers a very astute insight into the kind of people our Western world thrives on, and then satirically carries them into their natural extreme. That the irony of their own narrative is entirely lost on them makes it even more authentic. It is very good, but it did depress me. "Movere": to be able to move the reader, that is what the Romans actually called high style, and you do achieve this. My only concern would be that this could be read as the ramblings of a tiny minority (and other comments seem to confirm this). God forbid it ends up in the backpacks of the cool kids. Yes, these characters reduce everything to a sexual urge, because that's all that emptiness leaves them. I would like to say that e.g. the sexual scenes are gratuitous, but that is exactly how they would feature and be reported in those people's recollections. It's a disturbing read, and you make it convincing and true. I could go on, but suffice it to say, it's going on the shelf. A courageous publisher will go for it (I know, that's that problem).

All the best,
Sascha

John,

I'm going to do my comment mostly from a purchasing editors point of view rather than a casual reader. The opinions of the two can be very different. As a casual reader, though this isn't a genre I'd normally pick up, it's an interesting read. As an editor and reader, I don't like present tense. It immediately turns me off. So I wouldn't be likely to buy it either as a reader or publisher if I were the one assessing it.

Your characters are interesting and have strong personalities. I'd like to see it tightened a bit. A lot of the characters thoughts are duplicated. You have enough talent with words that you don't need to do that to get your point across.

I think those who have strong memories of high school will identify with this.

I'll shelve this one.

I love it.

This is out there on steroids and then some. It's tip top jam fur club of a book nestled between some escapist fantasia all wrapped up like disco fudge on a sandwich of ecstacy bread. Tell me 26 is not the end. This book is out of it's face on something and so are you. Is it publishable? I don't know, but it's up there with Fear and Loathing, and I hope it one day turns out to be a classic. Hope your spending time editing and rewriting.

It's sad how high school really is this way. Reading this brought back some very interesting memories... which you were able to pinpoint very closely.

You have something powerful to say with this book. Keep it up.

Shelved.
Andrea
The Key of Kilenya

John, you've nailed this.
Difficult style as each character needs a recognisable voice. You've got that down.
Have you read trainspotting? Welsh is a master at this.
Seriously good work.
Backed - not just reciprocal, I don't get involved in the whole back scratching element of this site. Strips the sincerity out of a lot of whats written.
Cheers
Shaun
Excerpts from the everyday unknown

I felt like I slipped back into high school while reading this, and that was frightening, but in a good way. It's a compliment to your writing.

Interesting the way you switch from the mind of character to character. Definitely a different format, but it works here. You also do an excellent job of keeping each character's individuality.

Very powerful piece novel you got here. Backed!!

W. J. Howard
The Courier