Unsung Heroes

Dear Amber, One thing I like about Taylor is that she has a quality good writers must have: she’s looks and listens closely to what’s going on around her. Your precise physical description and your authentic-sounding dialogue indicates you’re also quite observant and perceptive. Taylor saves a rock star’s life and becomes temporarily famous; you’ve written a compelling book that, when published, will be celebrated far, far longer.

The prose is fresh and vivid, the pace fast and smooth: the scene in which Taylor stops a bullet for Blaine is highly exciting and a tour de force. I also admire how quickly and efficiently she becomes a celebrity: she literally wakes up to find herself famous--but of course she remains her mother’s little girl.

Extremely astute, deftly written, and hugely entertaining. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Amber,

This is an excellent story that has more of an edge to it than many other young adult books. Part of it has to to with the action—that heroic act by Taylor at the concert. But it also has to do with your writing. It's not as flippant as many books in the genre can be. I'm a parent, and I think young readers are a lot smarter than we writers sometimes give them credit for being. They want realistic dialogue that alternates between light and lively, and serious. You have both here, and it works extremely well.

I'm sold on this one. Backed.
Mark

Amber


This book has a fantastic and relevant premise. I have flown through four chapters today, you have a wonderful pace to your writing!

I love the interaction between Taylor and Emma - you make fantastic use of dialogue. Great characterization. And I can really relate to the whole Eli thing. GRR! Hehe.

This is polished and interesting. It deserves a backing, so giving it a spin on my spare shelf spot! Best of luck.
Melanie.

An interesting look at fame and the consequences of fame. The opening chapters are light and fun, with great characters and lively dialogue, and it has a great plot idea at the centre of it which gives it a lift. There's a real celebration of being young as well which is a real winner here. I've read a couple of the later chapters too and you have a real skill at dialogue-driven chapters which are a breeze to read, and really lock you into the fast, energetic pace of the story. Enjoyable. Shelved.

Hi Amber

Promised you a read and comment after shelving, and here I am. Have read everything you posted, which is quite amazing for me! I know this is YA, but I was really drawn in by this. When the brakes failed I knew you were onto something- a nice mystery here. And then Blaine showed up on Taylor's doorstep, a cop was hurt, apartment trashed....hmmmm! And where is Blaine taking Taylor now??????

Glad I backed Unsung Heroes. I think you have a winner!

All the best
Elaina

Unsung Heroes is well written and vividly descriptive in a style and idiom that your YA target audience will appreciate. I liked your strong eye for detail and I could empathise with Taylor. On the downside, I feel the pitch is rather weak - I'd like to see a stronger picture of the storyline, key events and characters in your 'shop window' to attract readers. Overall though I'll be happy to back this.

A splendid little thriller with all the right elelments for its target audience.
And for older ones as well. I got all the way to the car crash and now I need to know why someone wants Blaine dead and who is trying to shut Taylor up.
Backed.

Dare I say 'Taylor-made' for the YA audience, Ok, so I just said it! ;0)

Backed with pleasure.

Bob (Auctoratus)

This moves quick. I thought I was going to have to wait for her heroic act but it was right at the end of Chapter Two, waiting for me to discover it.
Seattle, good setting. My book takes place in Washington as well.
This is some good stuff. A different story than a lot of what has flooded the YA market and I think there is a niche for this right now. Who wouldn't identify with Taylor? We all have been fans.
You write exciting well. The whole of chapter two was filled with suspense and I devoured it quickly. Moving on to the next chapter to see how things start to unravel.
This is bright and shining, really something you should be proud of. Some good writing on display with a quirky different idea.
Backed
T.L Tyson-SEeking ELeanor

Hi Amber. Good pitch - a little short but to the point. Not my usual genre but still... read a few chapters then skipped in a ways. Very nice. Writing is clean, clear and the story is well presented. Good flow nothing I can see to crit. Well worth backing. On my shelf and best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

Hi Amber, I think this is just right for your target market. The writing is fresh and there' enough action and interaction to get the plot moving at the right speed. Your pitch is fine, but I do think your first para sounds a bit awkward - bit off-putting for a publisher/agent. Perhaps you could rephrase it, or rewrite it altogether? But that's a personal opinion only.
Perceptive, bright, and entertaining. Shelved

Hi there :)
First up, I think this will appeal to your target audience - Taylor is a believable and well drawn charater. There is plenty going on to keep the reader interested. IMO, you write well, the story flows and the dialogue is realistic. I'm not going to nit-pick as there are others on here better qualified to do that. As a reader, I liked this, so it's on my shelf.
Best of luck with it!
AnnabelleP

Shelved... Exciting engaging funny.
I´m enjoying it.
Suggestion.
Taylor saving Blaine needs to be in Ch 1, in my opinion,
but that's not really a problem as Ch 1 is ultra short.
All the best to you......Mikey (The Free)

Shelved... Exciting engaging funny.
I´m enjoying it.
Suggestion.
Taylor saving Blaine needs to be in Ch 1, in my opinion,
but that's not really a problem as Ch 1 is ultra short.
All the best to you......Mikey (The Free)

Shelved... Exciting engaging funny.
I´m enjoying it.
Suggestion.
Taylor saving Blaine needs to be in Ch 1, in my opinion,
but that's not really a problem as Ch 1 is ultra short.
All the best to you......Mikey (The Free)

This should appeal to the YA readers straight off:

“Taylor had broken up with Eli about six months ago after two years of being together. He proposed, she’d said yes. She had come over the next day - with the key he had given her - to surprise him and make dinner, only to find him in bed with his best friend’s girlfriend, Nikki. He’d feigned guilt and asked for forgiveness. Of course, she had agreed to work it out, only to continually find random girl’s numbers laying around the house, a lipstick tube that didn’t belong to her, and an A-cup that definitely wasn’t hers.”

As will this self-sacrifice for a Rock Star:

“Her first normal thought would have been to wonder ‘who brought a gun to a rock show?’... “Blaine!” She screamed to him, “Blaine, look out!”... Taylor reached him and toppled him over just in time They did a sort of weird roll on the ground and Taylor ended up laying across Blaine’s lap sideways. Before she could think about that, she felt something burning her flesh on her right shoulder and warmth ran down her cold and wet arm. She didn't need to look at the injury to know what happened.... She felt Blaine slide his legs out from underneath her and then the wet, cold pavement on her face before the darkness.”

All good stuff and Taylor at least gets some recognition:

“Two days had passed since the press conference. Taylor’s face appeared on the covers of tabloids next to Blaine’s picture, stating things as simple as “Jenny Navini Had Better Watch Out!” and as bizarre as “Guardian Angel Saves Blaine Jordan on God’s Orders!””

Except there are problems with the police identification:

““Right. So, basically, if one of the men in those photos is the man who confessed, and you don’t recognize him as the shooter, then what you’re saying is that the man who confessed isn’t the man you remember being at the scene of the crime.” Taylor tried to put what Detective Kelly just said in order. Emma took the last, loud drink of her espresso and smacked her lips.”

But at least there may be some compensations:

“Taylor looked through the peep hole to find not Emma, but Blaine standing at her door.”

Likely to be a popular story within this Popular Culture, YA genre.Shelved.

Dear Amber, One thing I like about Taylor is that she has a quality good writers must have: she’s looks and listens closely to what’s going on around her. Your precise physical description and your authentic-sounding dialogue indicates you’re also quite observant and perceptive. Taylor saves a rock star’s life and becomes temporarily famous; you’ve written a compelling book that, when published, will be celebrated far, far longer.

The prose is fresh and vivid, the pace fast and smooth: the scene in which Taylor stops a bullet for Blaine is highly exciting and a tour de force. I also admire how quickly and efficiently she becomes a celebrity: she literally wakes up to find herself famous--but of course she remains her mother’s little girl.

Extremely astute, deftly written, and hugely entertaining. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Amber,
Wow! This is so refreshing and well written. I've heard of adoring fans (we called them groupies back in the dark ages when I was young} but taking a bullet is what I call true loyalty. Taylor is a great character and very similar in some ways with my protagonist, Christina. You have a young, fresh voice which is fun to read and this is a great story. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Yeah, I like this. It draws you in without you realising it and before you know it half an hour has vanished! Good going girl, am gonna shelve it! Good luck
Simon x

Your pace, characters, prose, and dialogue is all pitch perfect. This flows very nicely. A genuine, unique idea for a book as well. Love the characters; they're real, flesh and blood. Eli calling Taylor "babe" made me laugh. God, I hate it when couples, or ex-couples, do that. WL.

Interesting story, even outside of my normal genre pick.
Just a few things:

"That happens if you've been best friends..." might sound better if it was "when you've been best friends"
Emma scoffed, "You might..." the "you" needs to be capitalized.
"best friends girl friend..." you can join girl friend into one word.

Just little editing things I've found. You might want to give it a good run through.
Other than that, backing because you have talent as a writer, and I did enjoy what I've read :)

Ashley | Morningside

Amber,

This is an excellent story that has more of an edge to it than many other young adult books. Part of it has to to with the action—that heroic act by Taylor at the concert. But it also has to do with your writing. It's not as flippant as many books in the genre can be. I'm a parent, and I think young readers are a lot smarter than we writers sometimes give them credit for being. They want realistic dialogue that alternates between light and lively, and serious. You have both here, and it works extremely well.

I'm sold on this one. Backed.
Mark

I like the premise of this read. While I'm not a major reader of chick lit or YA, I found the idea realistic with a bit of fan fantasy. In Chapter one, I instantly found myself wondering about Taylor and Emma. What does Emma look like? Are there any insecurities with Taylor concerning Emma? Most women I know think some aspect of their friends, be it their eyes, hair, complexion, perfectly white teeth, chest, whatever, is better than their own. Why were they best friends? Had it always been peaches and cream with them or had there been spats over the years? Had they ever considered living together instead of separate apartments? I like that kind of background when you have a dynamic duo as main and supporting characters. I like to feel their history. Why is she an addict when it comes to Eli? Most people, me included, always had that one relationship with a person that was so bad for them but they couldn't hang it up easily. Why is Eli that one for Taylor?

My only beef with chapter two was the line that read, 'She guessed he was a guitar player because he carried a guitar.' This line bugged me, along with the fact that most guitar players, who make their living with that instrument, wouldn't take it out in the rain.

What about her injuries? If she was getting out of the hospital pretty quick after waking up, I doubt they were serious. Was it just a little nick in her arm? Was it bandaged, maybe a stitch or two? How'd she feel about it? My take on Emma's version of the story to the cop in the hospital room was that perhaps the first pangs of jealousy over Taylor's actions might have been showing through. How did she feel, really?

I like the conflict setting up in Chapter four. It's obvious he's having trouble having his life saved by a woman (of all things). The fact somebody would want him dead is in clear contradiction to his obvious 'everybody loves me' stance. Nice hook in chapter five upon the discovery of Blaine's personal phone number on the back of the agent's card.

Since we're all on this site for guidance and suggestions, I'm going to pass along to you one of the best pieces of advice I ever got. It was in the form of a book, called "On Writing" by Stephen King. In my opinion every writer should look at it. It reads easy and by no means is the Master King preaching at all. I read through Chapter six, and since YA and chick lit isn't my thing, I won't be going any further. But, I'm gonna back this one because you've got something going here, a basis of a good story. With some elaboration and description, I think Unsung Heroes could find its way into a bookstore.

Very interesting and topical subject. It's very well written and easy to read. It draws you in and makes you want to read more, which is always a good sign.

I am here in regards to our swap agreement. I do apologize for the tardiness of my comments. I was taken in by your first chapter. Normally I rail against dialogue opening up a book and I still think you need to set the opening scene a bit more. I wanna SEE them and I wanna KNOW where they are. Then I read the second chapter and I screeched my tires to a STOP.

Not to sound cheeky, I thought I was reading a Gossip Girl episode when I came across this second chapter. The tone shifts and I was wondering, WTF! Break down the paragraphs; you're writing a YA novel, not a textbook. LONG paragraphs slow down the pace that your first chapter captures perfectly.

Rewrite both your pitches; your writing capability is far better than your pitching samples.

Then there is that telling versus showing arguement we always have in the forums. I'll leave this up to you.

Finally, this book reminds me of one written in the early 1990s called 'The Story of My Life' by Jay McInerney. Check it out.

I SHELVED you yesterday. I do look forward to your forthcoming comments on my book, possible backing, if you have not done so already. Cheers!

JC
The Obergemau File

Hi Amber,

This is a compelling story. I was drawn in immediately. Your characters felt real and your dialogue was believable. Taylor is a likable and believable character and I love the friendship between her and Emma.

Wonderful imagery and a great ending to chap 2. Nice smooth pace in chap 3. Again good hook in chap 4.

This is very well written and was an enjoyable read. It should do very well.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Very well written I like it a lot. I'm putting it on my wlist for now.

I enjoyed the build-up to the concert—I liked your descriptions of the crowd, and the conversations between Taylor and Emma had the right kind of giddy feeling to it—with a little hint that they were somewhat embarrassed to be feeling giddy. I think their relationship feels right, and that will help your story as it moves along.

You’ll need to address some plotting issues, especially enhancing the credibility of your story. After the shooting, so many odd things happened that I was taken out of the story. For example, how did the hospital decide they were going to release Taylor in about an hour when she hadn’t even regained consciousness yet? How did the publicist get in to see Taylor before the police talked to her? Why, when Taylor has an actual wound, does the press think this is some sort of publicity stunt? If the publicist knew the press had some suspicions along those lines, why didn’t he better prepare Taylor for the questions?

I think cleaning up issues like that is an important priority. As you’re revising the text, make sure you make your sentences as tight and efficient as possible. There’s some nice build-up to the shooting, and that should be a tense scene, but sometimes there are sentences like “She knew what she had to do, and not a second thought passed through her mind as she took a leap over the bike rack” that are overly wordy and drain away some of the tension.

Best of luck to you as you keep working on this and polishing it so that the story you want to tell shines!

Amber

This is a very well written book that should go down famously with the target reader.
You have a good pitch that I reckon will entice many potential readers in.

Ch1
Good establishing chapter with interesting characterisation.
When Taylor looks at the phone – what does her friend look like?

Ch4
Clear, well polished writing (as it seems to be throughout).
I particularly like the hook at the end.

Ch9
It’s good to see a high level of consistency and you keep things fresh with new plot angles.

Good luck with this!
Shelved with pleasure,
David
Green Ore

I can see young girls getting into this. I think you have captured a certain attitude towards life. If that makes sense. Will give this a spin on my shelf for now. Backed C.P

Hi Amber

Promised you a read and comment after shelving, and here I am. Have read everything you posted, which is quite amazing for me! I know this is YA, but I was really drawn in by this. When the brakes failed I knew you were onto something- a nice mystery here. And then Blaine showed up on Taylor's doorstep, a cop was hurt, apartment trashed....hmmmm! And where is Blaine taking Taylor now??????

Glad I backed Unsung Heroes. I think you have a winner!

All the best
Elaina

Hi Amber,

I just took a look at Unsung Heroes -- love the title by the way.

THe paragraph about why she broke up with Eli -- could it be shortened a little? Work those details into a diaglog scene? I know -- I have the same issue in some spots (show v. tell) too.

I think that combining chapter 1 and 2 -- you get an awesome "chapter 1 hook" with the gunshot...it wouldn't make it too long...

This gets off to a bang (pardon the pun) and I love the sleazy agent looking to capitalize on her injury. This is a great "pop-culture" set story and should do well in YA.

Shelved,

Kendra
Switch

comments on Chapters 1-2...

I would imagine this would be appealing to its target audience. The characters are likeable and feel real, as does the dialogue...

For the sake of a quibble, consider pruning back your writing a trifle. By this I mean, go through EVERY line and ask yourself, "Does this convey vital information about plot and/or character?" Then ask yourself, "Does this tell the reader anything he/she doesn't already know, or can guess from inference?" If the answer to either question is no, consider using the delete key.

By doing this you will add clarity and, most importantly for a work aimed at this age group, pace to your writing.

If you don't want to go too far, then lose the odd adverb/adjective. The ones you keep will have more impact than if they're scattered around like confetti.

Oh, and try and break up some of the larger paragraphs. they tend to make the reader skim them, rather than read.

Overall, however, I think this beginning promises an entertaining story for its target audience, so I'll give it a run on my shelf.

Best wishes with it.

Regards,

TomW

Cute and girly and enjoyable. Need I say more?

Hello Amber,

In Taylor you crafted an intuitively observed character caught in a whirlpool difficult to escape from. Well written, engaging and insightful. It has what it takes to ride hight.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Haha, the last time I stood among a stage door crowd was when Russell Crowe and his band played in Asbury Park before Gladiator was a hit. You've certainly got the dynamics of the kind of setting right, and you're in tune with your target audience. Unsung Heroes is an engaging, earnestly ingenuous read, though I am pouting a bit over the way you've painted the flak. (Hint hint, please do read my bio page, tee hee...) I also think you can tighten dialogue and descriptions. (Can't we all?) I'm shelving now and coming back to read more. :-)

Cheers--
Gev

Unsung Heroes...

Now that I've read your partial, I'm backing your novel...Taylor is intriguing and I'd like to find out what happens to her along the way. Her reactions are believable. I think you've targeted your audience really well.

All of us can benefit by reading and re-reading Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King and then Scene and Structure by Jack W. Bickham...the latter will help you to strengthen every scene in your novel. And believe me when I say that I know when a scene isn't quite there yet, mostly because of Bickham. I won't mention the fact that it takes me countless rewrites to get a scene to the point where it's finished (and then someone comes along to tell it isn't, of course.)

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions, especially now that I'm getting sooo close to the Editor's Desk. You can help me make the novel the best it can be...plus my MC's name is Amber....was that enough to convince you to read it??)

Unsung Heroes...

Chapter 2 is equally compelling (the ending of both chapters reveals that you know how to milk your Points of Stress). Reminds me of the time, many years ago, but you don't want to hear about that, of course. But many of us have been there and you've described it well.

Reading on...

Unsung Heroes...

We writers, of course!

Seriously, however, please review your pitch. The word 'find'...the first two (finds herself) should be changed anyway because that's a passive construction and you want something more active. Active = more lively.

Your first chapter grabbed me...I'm reading on...

An interesting look at fame and the consequences of fame. The opening chapters are light and fun, with great characters and lively dialogue, and it has a great plot idea at the centre of it which gives it a lift. There's a real celebration of being young as well which is a real winner here. I've read a couple of the later chapters too and you have a real skill at dialogue-driven chapters which are a breeze to read, and really lock you into the fast, energetic pace of the story. Enjoyable. Shelved.

Happy to give this a spin on the shelf. Snappy little read that should do well.
Best wishes
Sue

Happy to give this a spin on the shelf. Snappy little read that should do well.

Amber,
This is lots of fun. I had to stop myself reading at chapter 5 as I have a lot more to read tonight and I seem to be coming down with something. Excellent story, beautifully written, should do well on here.

On my shelf for a quick spin

John

Amber


This book has a fantastic and relevant premise. I have flown through four chapters today, you have a wonderful pace to your writing!

I love the interaction between Taylor and Emma - you make fantastic use of dialogue. Great characterization. And I can really relate to the whole Eli thing. GRR! Hehe.

This is polished and interesting. It deserves a backing, so giving it a spin on my spare shelf spot! Best of luck.
Melanie.

Hello Amber

Ch1 Good start, very likeable character, a lot of information is put over in the first few paragraphs, very clever. Nice part about the ex always ringing. It's moving at a good pace

Ch2 Good observation about the faceless drummer and guitarist having to show who they are. Good build up to the shooting.

Chapter 3 again, very good flowing read. Very easy to get immersed in this.
You deserve to do well with this, On my shelf

Charlie

This is certainly a good premise. There’s so much hype around celebrities today and people becoming famous for all kinds of reasons, that your story is both believable and relevant. I like your style and your characters. Shelved and good luck.

Ch1. I like the boyfriend who won’t go away, a lot of people can relate to that ;-)

Ch2. Very nice description of the crowd and the shooting scene.
Good idea to put the description of what happened in Emma’s statement to the officer.

Ch3. Very nice. Spare text and the dialogue says it all.

Here are my nitpicks (hope you don’t mind me pointing them out).

Pitch: typo “concequences” should be “consequences”

Maybe tighten the way in which the information is delivered for example, the sentence starting “Taylor smiled and puller her bag up…” it’s here to show us that they’ve been friends since 4th grade, so maybe you can include that in the dialogue instead? BTW, I felt this point was only relevant in ch1, the others flowed really well.

Again, wish you the best of luck with it :)
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Hi Amber,

I read through the first four chapters and really enjoyed it. You have the dialog between the two girls (and the interactions with mom and daughter) down to a tee, and it helps move the story along at a good pace. A few nitpicks I found in the first chapter -


~ "Distractedly, she made her way..." - A writing teacher once told me to avoid all "ly" words as much as possible. The sentence would flow better as, "Distracted, she made her way..."

~ "... as not to distract her neighbors..." - did you mean disturb?

~ "not wanting to scrutinize too long at her untidy..." - I get the feeling you're trying come up with a more original way of saying, "look", but sometimes simple is more effective - "scrutinize" seems an awkward way to phrase it.


I stopped taking notes and just read for the next few chapters - I could see this book being the perfect companion at the beach. Well done, and welcome to my shelf.

~Traci

I liked the relationship that was evident between Taylor and her friend right from the opening and the conversations were very much as you could imagine them going. There is also an element of mystery/suspense with some subtle clues I was picking up, such as Blaine possibly knowing somebody was after him?? It all makes it more exciting and compelling. The only thing I think I would like to know is a little more about Taylor - does she work in the bank, is she a student? I was trying to work it out from what you told us about her and where she lives, but wasn't quite sure. Maybe I need to read on!
Kendall Craig, The Halo (of Delight)

hello Amber,
I had read into chapter 6 before I realised it. I'm certainly no YA, but enjoyed this. I'd check thoroughly for minor typos like who's (who is) when you mean whose (possessive) and so on. It was very easy reading and a change from the fantasy stories for young readers.
All the best with it.

I try to vary my reading on authonomy as much as possible and I have really enjoyed this. Dialogue can be so difficult and you are extremely good at it. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

This is a great read and something that a lot of young women will relate to. I for one have stood getting wet waiting for bands... it is so worth it! Your dialogue in chapter one flows really well and is easy to follow which is great - something I need to learn to do better. Anyway - I am putting it on my shelf - good luck with it! Clare

Amber,
Your book has a fantastic premise. Emma and Taylor relate so freely that you really created the ‘friends since 4th grade’ feeling. Blaine Jordan…the name seems over the top a bit…his character is right on, his name felt out of place in such a real book. You confused me with the following:
“What? Isn’t Nikki available?’ Eli groaned
“Why you gotta be like that?”
When you put Eli groaned after Taylor’s statement, it seemed to make it Eli’s statement. You do this throughout the story, so you might want to check on this.
I did love it…On my shelf.
See you in print,
Charity

In the hospital the description of the mother with her hairspray hair and how heroics aren't good if you're dead! Hahahaha. I think this just moves at such a wonderful pace. I'm shelving this without hesitation. Wonderful job.

Rachel May
Going Twice

WOW! Okay Chapter 2 ended with a bang. No pun intended. I liked the way you weaved in the guy that was out of place. And the dialogue between Emma and Taylor feels very fluid and real. I also liked the description of Blaine although every time I think of the name Blaine I think of the guy in Pretty In Pink. The total jerk in that movie. I don't know why my mind goes there. But this is great! Truly. And I'm reading on....

I'll be back to leave another comment in a bit.

Just read the first chapter. Immediately I felt a connection with Taylor and Emma. And Eli, what an ARSE!!! Seriously, her friend Emma was right she shouldn't answer his calls! And the fact that he thinks it's okay to call her and that she'll always pick up the phone when he calls...lord I hope Taylor learns how to defend herself from his manipulations. And I truly think Eli is manipulating her!

Off to read more.