The Voices of Angels

I've just read the first chapter and I must say, this is extraordinary. I swung by on a recommendation from Robb and I can see why this is so hugely popular.

Lizzie is so very likiable, I just wanted to reach through the screen and pick her up as she repeatedly knocked herself down. I especially like "belatedly she thought of retorts..." because that is something that a lot of people do. We play conversations over and over again in our heads and picture how the should have gone.

The descriptions were lovely and not overbearing. They came at the right time so it didn't feel like an information dump. I'm definitely going to bookshelf this one. You are my first and I plan to come back and read more. Really amazing job! If I found this book in a store, it'd been one of the ones coming home with me.

Fantastic work Hannah. I initially read your book because my first novel (which I will whack up as soon as I'm completely happy with it :- so probably never then! ha ha) ticks many of the same boxes (i.e. it shares most of your tags), although it is, as you will hopefully see for yourself, very different in tone and target.
However, I was totally unprepared for how Lizzie's story would grip me! I've just this minute finished reading and I can honestly say that I belive it to be one of the best books I have ever read.
I believe that art (and I dertainly include literature in this) should have the capacity to move people in some way, be that through humour, sadness or just general transcendent power. Your novel fits into the latter character as my goose-bump-ometer - which was constantly peaking throughout - will certainly testify. Well done! - Stephen

Hi Hannah

Congrats on being top of the pile! Have come back to read more of your book, and asI expected, the later chapters flow just as the earlier ones do, drawing you in to read more, find out more. Couple of typos, but they really don't interfere with the mood of the story, and I think if HC don't take you up, there will be agents/publishers who'll be delighted to! Hope you're going to post ch 12 - I want to know what happens to the sand!

Frankie

Hannah, this is outstanding. I've just had tears welling in my eyes half-way through chapter 5, soft old sod that I am, so I am making room on my bookshelf pronto. You handle your story deftly, with an elegant use of language, capturing your characters so effortlessly I am positively green with envy. This is superb stuff, one of the most accomplished things I have read here on Authonomy, and it deserves a spot on the editor's desk. Hell, I'd buy it and I'm not even in your target demographic.

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Wow, I love this! Easy to read and well told. I am totaly there. Thanks!
Claudia

Hi Hannah,

Came across this randomly based on the "coming of age" key word. Not only did your book and its premise take me in immediately, but it also reminded me of my own book on here, THE JAWBONE...Not that the plots are similar at all, but the way you write, the coming of age factor, and the death/psychic factor. Take a look if you're so inclined. But I will be watching this and hopefully reading it soon! Looks like a great book, and congrats on your review from HarperCollins!

Hannah, although I usually don't read fiction I have been gripped by your story and I admire the way you manage to engage the reader into feeling empathy with Lizzie. Your story is original and I'm certainly looking forward to reading the rest of it. Wishing you much success with it. Joanna

Congratulations Hannah on such a beautifully written book. I read all 12 chapters straight off - just couldn't stop. Want more. I find the character of Lizzie Fisher entrancing and can feel her evolve and develop as the story unfolds. I find her strength in her sensitivity. I love your sense of place from London to Andalucia - so beautifully sketched. I can, see smell and hear the surroundings. The subject matter, together with your brilliant story telling skills, make this book a joy to read. I'm hungry for more. Absolutely superb.

Fantastic work Hannah. I initially read your book because my first novel (which I will whack up as soon as I'm completely happy with it :- so probably never then! ha ha) ticks many of the same boxes (i.e. it shares most of your tags), although it is, as you will hopefully see for yourself, very different in tone and target.
However, I was totally unprepared for how Lizzie's story would grip me! I've just this minute finished reading and I can honestly say that I belive it to be one of the best books I have ever read.
I believe that art (and I dertainly include literature in this) should have the capacity to move people in some way, be that through humour, sadness or just general transcendent power. Your novel fits into the latter character as my goose-bump-ometer - which was constantly peaking throughout - will certainly testify. Well done! - Stephen

Hanna

You definitely have talent. I can't believe the HarperCollins feedback ! "Lack of strong central character"!!!

It makes me wonder whether it was properly reviewed. If you can't get published what hope do the others have?!

Good luck, Merle

So far this makes compelling reading. I've only read chapter one but will be back for more. The black mark is an interesting concept as psychics who read auras do see black where there's ill health.

Hannah-
Although this is not my genre, you've done what I like most as a reader- a short first chapter with a central metaphor we can hang our hat on throughout the novel. Because my time is limited (and not a reader of young-adult fiction) I won't be reading your entire work. (And you need not my vote at this stage in the game) Thanks for posting your comments from HC as this is important to all on this site, IMO. Good luck and I hope you publish soon! Happy Holidays!

I actually thinks thats a helluva critique from HC. All you need to do is edit for 'show, don't tell' on Lizzie's thoughts. Once you get into that full-bore, then the other problem (Lizzie's voice/personality) might take care of itself. Great!

THE VOICES OF ANGELS
””””””””””””””””””””””””””"""""""""

BE AWARE, FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN’T READ AS FAR AS CHAPTER TWELVE, THAT THERE WILL ALMOST CERTAINLY BE SPOILERS HEREIN

At the time of writing, Voices of Angels holds the record for the most popular book Authonomy has ever seen. And not just by a small margin either; this book has over 40% more shelving that its closest rival. It’ll be interesting to see in months to come whether or not this record persists, but something tells me there may come a time when a novel needs 350 shelves just to get into the top ten.

Either way, though, it’s still a pretty neat record.

The Voices of Angels, at its heart, is a story about acceptance. They say that a writer’s soul is laid bare through the eyes of their main character, and if this is the case, deep down you’re a thirteen year old girl with concerns about their hairstyle and a lust for normality.

An outcast?

Lizzie Fisher wants nothing more than to be left alone. She’s at a stage of her life when she questions what is ordinary, and amongst children who ridicule anything that stands out, who can blame her? It’s a real testament to the subtle depth you’ve instilled in this character that I can find a way to relate to her, speaking as a thirty year old man whose hair, to my knowledge, is neither frizzy nor unmanageable.

So what do I know? Well I know I felt the pain when poor Joopy, your improbably named pet pooch, shuffled off the mortal coil. There was a real, cold bout of genuine grief pouring through your words and Lizzie’s emotions. And the curse- the dread- of knowing it was going to happen in advance only made it hurt twice as much. For everyone.

The concept of the novel at this stage is not necessary an original one, but then again what idea is these days? The real key to success is in how you handle the idea, and what you offer that’s in some way unique. I feel that The Voices of Angels triumphs in giving a believable and reluctant heroine who reacts to her ability the way that most sane people would. She tries to ignore it in the hopes it will go away.

This is a story that refuses, however, to stagnate. It could have been a gimmick to abuse almost endlessly, the ability to see when people are going to die. You could have taken it to the logical end, realising that if Lizzie couldn’t see a black mark above a person’s head, they essentially couldn’t die. The potential for exploitation would have been a strong draw for a writer like me. But you have other stories to tell.

Lizzie isn’t the kind to realise the power of a gift such as hers; the ways that she could use it for personal gain. Instead, all she wants is to get rid of it. Her compassion is what draws us to her, and what keeps us onboard when you pull the story up from the roots in North London and move to Andalucia.

This essentially marks the closing of the first act, the end of the introduction. It’s Harry goes to Hogwarts. Just ten-thousand words into the book and the story goes on its first tangent. It’s first real twist, if you like.

Now we’re in Spain, and to balance out the childish naivety of Lizzie, Ariadne is introduced. A more sophisticated name, manner. A hidden air of knowledge. She’s never given perhaps a true depth but so many hints at one that it has a profound effect. We respect her silence. Ariadne of a thousand faces.

A bond is formed between the two characters, not instantly, but deeply. And we enter the hall of mirrors. Now in here, perhaps, there is a cheap trick in the black mark she sees above her own head. A red herring that the novel might be stronger without. It’s more sophisticated than that.

Perhaps, however, it still has worth as a mechanism to remind the reader that the black marks exist, and you generally manage to keep them at the forefront of our imagination by poking subtle reference once or twice per chapter. The mere mention of “black mark” and we know instantly to what you refer, and can relate to the apprehension with which Lizzie checks for them. We don’t want to see them either.

And then we do, but no longer how we expect. Because we meet Seth, the angel with the sparkling black wings, and he tells us that death is not what we expect it to be. But more importantly than that, he gives Lizzie a significant boost in her outlook. The love interest of the first act of the novel may well be seen again.

Joopy is still alive.

Or alive of a sorts, for we’re not given all the answers at this point. That’s a great strength for this novel, that the answers are given to us (at best) at the same rate new questions are raised. Too many novels rely on establishing a scene prior to doing something meaningful with it. The Voices of Angels prefers to keep you wondering exactly what is going on, and that’s the secret to truly hooking in a reader.

Now I’m a slow reader, normally liking to take my time to absorb the atmosphere of a novel. It would take me a long time to get through twelve chapters but, in your case, they’re so easy to read that the time got away from me. You have a style that just flows, sweeps the reader along the timeline. And alongside that flow, there is focus. Nothing is said that isn’t significant, and you can’t put a price on the attention that warrants. I’m almost scared to miss anything.

And fortunately I don’t, because you also cater for dummies that might not pick up on the obvious. Not that you’re repetitive but you remind people of what’s just gone on. Summarise in thought processes. A trick that’s easy to do but often overlooked.

Unfortunately, there isn’t any more novel on Authonomy to read through. At twenty-one thousand words, we have a great deal of intrigue and only a fraction of the answers. If one thing is clear, though, it’s that this novel has an extremely high amount of potential at this point. An appeal for a wide audience.

Hell, it’s aimed at young adults but pulled in hundreds of thirty-somethings, forty-somethings, FIFTY-somethings…

The question that seems to crop up most pertinently is a sticking point: Is it mass-market? And I’m really not the person to comment. Writers do it for the love of words, not to appeal to the mass-market. Could the term almost be a curse for the unoriginal?

Either way, I would personally like to see this book published. For selfish reasons, as much as anything. Because I wonder what the red pebble is for. Why was there only a jar of sand in the wooden box? Why did Lizzie’s mum change her name? Just how do you get to Infinity? WHAT HAPPENED TO JOOPY??

Hopefully we’ll all find out soon!

Merry Christmas,

Chris








Alright, so there is… just one more thing. You didn’t think you’d get off quite that lightly, did you? I have a reputation to think about here. It’s good novel. A great novel, perhaps. But is it perfect?

…

No! It almost seems redundant to nitpick a work such as this, especially one that’s risen so high up the ranks in its present form, but nevertheless perfection would be an asset and I’m all about the nitty gritty critty. So here’s a dump of little comments about it:

Firstly, you’ve killed me. My own personal demon is sitting right here, waving its ugly little head and refusing to be exorcised.

The. Dreaded. But.

You’ve all heard me say it time and time again, and if you get bored of hearing it, I’ll just say it EVEN LOUDER! Starting a paragraph with ‘but’ is a crime against literature. Or at least it always used to be. If standards have laxed, they should be un-laxed as soon as possible.

“But not any more.”
“But Lizzie had never skipped school in her life”
“But he tried.”
“But happy.”
“But the thought that she could have saved Joopy hurt worse of all.” (btw, should be “worst”)
“But better for what?”
“But it was the house which caught Lizzie’s attention most of all.”
“But it was the final door which caught Lizzie’s interest most.”
“But it was the bottom left panel which made her gasp.”
“But the lure of the mirrors was too great.”

You write “no-where” where “nowhere” would do.

There’s a line I couldn’t make sense of: “a stamp left, rather than the stamp itself.”

“BBC news” should really be “BBC News”

“There was a word beginning with i that…” should really be “a word beginning with ‘I’ that…”

“If death were around the corner, then he was…” doesn’t need that comma.

“This was not the first time Lizzie had had bad dreams” can lose a ‘had’ and still make sense.

Strange word, “alien”. It stands out a mile and you use it as a key point to describe Lizzie’s feelings three times in nine chapters. A word like that needs to be more sparing, perhaps even once per book!

Possibly deliberate, probably not, you start two paragraphs at the close of chapter nine with “And although Lizzie”.

“rose scented smell” should be “rose-scented smell”

Seth has wings as black as the night sky, and yet in chapter twelve he pulls a white feather from them to give to Lizzie.

And that’s really it this time. That wasn’t so hard now, was it?

Where is Andalucia? Where is the motivation for Jake to enter her dreams? By a portal where nothing ever dies, do you mean heaven? It is hard to relate or find interest in this description of your book because it is unclear. The questions outweigh any possible answers.

Hannah, this is great. It gets straight in there (I am finding that a lot of fiction takes a bit of a while to get started), and each chapter ends on a cliff-hanger. Nice sized chapters - not too long - and all so fluently and professionally written, with real polish.

I think this would really appeal to kids. After all, they do seem to find death endlessly fascinating and perplexing, as well as horrifying (hunh, don't we all?) and I was particularly struck with the way Lizzie's schoolmates turned against her - the petitions Bee brings round must be something like every kid's worst nightmare; I thought that captured the way schoolkids can be.

This is a quality piece of work, written with real assurance and insight. I'd like to try it out on my 14-year old stepdaughter (I'm working on getting her interested in what authonomy might have to offer - a chance to sample a range of fiction - but it's a hard slog) because I'm sure this would grab her.

It grabbed me. And - oh no! - the dog died.

Yeah, surely kids would love this.

Ooh!!!
great story, I loved the dream part and the mestery man,
you really write beautifully and you made me feel the sadness of Lizzie,

Best of Luck,
Kimmy

Good opening Chapter Hannah! Sounds like my kind of book. Will keep an eye on its progress. Good luck with publishing

Hi Hannah
I adore this work! Have read all chapters and was horrified to find it stops at 12 and I'm dying to know what will happen to Lizzie and what metaphysical / spiritual teachings will almost certainly lie within the story - I adore anything supernatural, spiritual, life after life etc, and was overjoyed to find this! Please let us know when the rest (or at least MORE!) will be uploaded - I will be keeping my eye out! Fabulous work! I am sure there's a publisher out there who will snap this up!
best of luck and look forward to more,

Have just read HC's comments and I really don't agree that Lizzie isn't a strong character - I think she is, in her own quiet way. I also disagree with the comment that your authorial voice is intrusive - I didn't find it so. I found I was quite happy to be told how she was feeling without ever thinking that her actions should tell me - although this is a comment that many writing gurus and books will tell you to do. There seems to be a trend in modern writing that the author should remain invisible (show, don't tell is always popping up) but in your case I really didn't feel there was any need to lose the narrative thread - I felt it moved along at a good pace. I'm hoping there's more to read now!!

Maria (aka akashicvibe!)

I've just read the first chapter and I must say, this is extraordinary. I swung by on a recommendation from Robb and I can see why this is so hugely popular.

Lizzie is so very likiable, I just wanted to reach through the screen and pick her up as she repeatedly knocked herself down. I especially like "belatedly she thought of retorts..." because that is something that a lot of people do. We play conversations over and over again in our heads and picture how the should have gone.

The descriptions were lovely and not overbearing. They came at the right time so it didn't feel like an information dump. I'm definitely going to bookshelf this one. You are my first and I plan to come back and read more. Really amazing job! If I found this book in a store, it'd been one of the ones coming home with me.

Hannah

I love this programme, it quite amazing the good stuff there is on the site, and of course we both seem to back the same book, hahah!!!! Love Mia. xx

Hi Just thought I'd take a peek at what you've got so far. I really like the ideas you have here...I feel that the reader can easily read the text and find themselves within the story. I like that. Sometimes people are so worried about using enormous words to make their writing richer. You write well without that and it seems to come easily for you. Best of luck!

If you have a chance take a look at my first tempt at this. I think you'll like it...
All the best!
Jen

Loved the book, I also recommend 'The Three Daggers' by Harry I Cunningham

Lovely writing, and compelling from the very beginning. I look forward to reading all of it.

Great imagination here! Lizzie a lovable & believable character. Good pace ... doesn't slow down for a second. Length fine for genre, I think ... and even suitable for younger audience, perhaps? 8-10 as well, like the immortal Harry?
Well done. Will keep on my bookshelf.
Oliver Eade

I haven't time yet to read the full first chapter, but I will be coming back for more. You've hooked me with the opening and kept me engaged. Good job.

Jodi

Well done, Hannah! I've only read a couple of chapters, but love it already. There's nothing better than jumping straight into a mystery, and what a mystery! Very creepy stuff. I will definitely read more when I have time. Good luck with the HC crew. Keep us posted.
Jenny:)

Hi I'm brand new to authonomy and you're one of my first five reviews. Great start to the book, I love the way it gets straight to the point and picks up the main point of the pitch. Will efinately be coming back to read more chapters later.
Good lick, Tim.

Love the story, love the characters, love the writing, and I just plain enjoyed reading. Wish there were a hundred more chapters, for I don't want this story to ever end.

Congratulations on making the desk! You definitely deserve it.
I hope they give you loads of great feedback.

This needs to be published.

Good luck!

-Nathan

Congratulations!

NOOOOOO!!!!!

You can't stop there - I want to read more!

*grin*

Wonderful job, Hannah - I just joined this website, and yours is the first piece that caught my eye. I hope you make it to the "desk" and that I can buy the book soon, because I'm dying to know what happens to Lizzie!

Good luck!

~Traci

Hannah - I've only time for the first two chapters but I can see why Angels is number one!
Congrats you! Well done!
I hope good things come from this!!!!
Best of luck - and for what it's worth, it's going on my bookshelf for the remainder of November
:-) K

Hi Hannah, I've just popped around to give you my support and a shelving for your story. I have thoroughly enjoyed the first six chapters - I read them yesterday, and I really love it so far, and I think it deserves to be reviewed and published. There are so many top class books on this website and this is among them.
Although it is supposed to be for young adult I found that anyone can read 'The Voices of Angels' despite age.
Poor Lizzie, what a torment to have in your mind never mind the reactions from her school mates (well, not quite the best of mates are they?)
You have the reader feeling sorry for her from the word go and it continues. I love this and hope you do really well. Thanks for putting Voices up - it's been a pleasure. Duly shelved, late but there in time anyway. In fact I like all the top five, some for the writing others for the stories, and hope you all do well. I'd better read the rest of these books before HC make you all take them down with contracts. Jim

Very intriguing concept, extremely well-written. Read the first 3 chapters and don't have time to go further, but can't wait to see where you go with this. Well done!

Hi Hannah,

I finally got a chance to read the first two chapters and love what you have done. I'm going to continue reading your book, but I'm sure I will love the rest as much as I have so far. Lizzie is such a wonderful character and can easily be associated with. I wish you the best of luck. I've added "Voices of Angels" to my bookshelf.

Wow, I haven't quite finished yet, but I really liked it so far. It's very well writen. Lizzie is such a likeable character from the start, and I think a lot of people would connect with her. It's all very realistic and doesn't stretch the imagination all, it all seems entirely possible. I love the way you don't hide how cruel children/teens can be as a lot of writer do. Very well done.

Hannah,
I'm beginning to see that on Authonomy, it's all about personal connections. You asked me directly to support you, and I"m happy to say that, after a quick read of Chapter 1 (late - no time for more), I"m happy to do so. Love to have you reciprocate with a bit of a read of Mai Shangri-La, but looking for honest feedback, so don't pull any punches. I'm uploading some more of it to try to round out the samplings (not that I don't want to upload all, but have a slow connection and it takes time)
Best of Luck!
Rob

Really sweet story, very enigmatic ending... lovely :)

On a minor typo point, I think the line 'just why her and her grandmother?!' needs slightly rearranging and probably a negative.

Hannah,
Chapter 12 is wonderful. It's exciting to read as you write. I love the smells, the hints of things to come. I've heard that the sand blows over from Africa, it's cool that you put it in your story.
"Expressly forbidden never to do" was the only thing I caught that I had a question on. It almost sounds like a double negative. Maybe should be expressly forbidden ever to do, or expressly forbidden to do, ever?
Just a thought.
I'd like to think posting 12 gave you that little boost to put you back on top. Congratulations! I've said before that I have about 8 books I want in the top 5 this month, but Angels and Independence HAVE to be there.
On my shelf again, just for luck.
Jeff

Hi Hannah!

I just stories like this! It's something I wonder about sometimes, can people sense or see death? How would it be? A bit dark eh. The first chapter reminded me of a wet school morning, apparently! This is very good and definitly one to read! I will ofcouse, back it up.

Good Luck!

Ps: if you get any feedback from the editors, (I am sure it will be a good one), please do not forget to share your success, and I would love it if you could have a look at my book too! :0)

Malika

Thank you Hanah for sending me a message, good luck on your book. I just briefly looked it over, but it is soemthing that I would like to buy and put on my real bookshelf. It is a good read. I hope you might find some time and give my book a read, any critique, both positive and negative is appreciated. http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=3741

Hi, back again, and bookshelving "The Voices of Angels". Excellent work. It will be great to see your editor's review, very good luck to you!
A.N. Timms

Still reading and still awestruck. I can't keep handing out all these compliments - you'll get tired of them and they'll become devalued! Take it from me I shall continue reading and contibue to marvel and enjoy despite the soon-to-be lower praise factor. Altho' you can always tell me if you want the compliments tap to be turned on again. You tell a fab story.

Hannah, I've backed you, but I don't have time right now to give any detailed comments. Up to my neck at work.

Hi Hannah!

Thanks for your message. I couldn't wait to start on your novel and am so glad I did! It's FAB!!! I honestly can't find anything constructive to say, other than I love it! I have not doubt you'll still be top of the pile when the month ends and will be hitting that YA editors desk in a blaze of glory!!! :-) Let us know what happens!! Bagsy a signed copy when it's on the shelves?! (which I'm positive it will be!) x

Wow. You really are something, Hannah. This is great. It's like a road accident: scary and addictive (sorry!) at the same time. It has to be a real best seller soon!

Nice re-writes< Hanah. You've got an imaginative story-line and a protagonist we're inclined to care for and sympathize with. This book is going places. Here's hoping HC is quick to recognize it.
I know how busy you are now, but I will look forward to your thoughts on Freedom.
Thanks.
Chuck

Hanah,
Just read Chapter One - will certainly go on from there - but wanted to offer some quick thoughts. Obviously you've got a keeper here. By now, you know that. Because you do, and because you're surely headed for the editor's desk anyway, I won't waste a lot more time now on flattery, well-deserved though it is.
Instead, I'll point out a couple of trends that I'd watch during your final review, and propose a couple of minor edits.
2nd graph: suggest deleting the word 'before' at the end of that sentence, since you already said 'Never in her short life ...' The redundancy added by 'before' is the sort of thing editors tend to chop. Not a real big deal, but you do it in mulitple places, inlcuding the end of the chapter, where you write that Lizzie prays to "never see a black mark again in her whole life." Are both 'never' and 'whole life' really needed? Again, just something to watch as you prepare for the editors' pens.
I'm also not clear on dialogue tone descriptions such as "angled." Nor for that matter of a "voice intoning." Journalistically trained, I'm happier with "Mrs. Froust said," followed perhaps by, "with a shapr intonation, as if anticipating Lizzie's impending failure."
Minor things: At one point, you write "something of inside her." Maybe that's a typo. If not, I'm not clear on the meaning of the construction.
Other things are probably just U.S.-Brit disconnects. Is it common, for instance, to say "a 13-year," where we'd say "a 13-year-old"? Probably.
Anyway, I do like what I've read, very much, so I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. Just seems you'd be better served at this stage by this type of 'pre-edit' review.
I'll happily read on, and of course, I'm eager to read your thoughts on Freedom.
All the best,
Chuck

Hey Hannah,

I’m back for chapter two! I know it’s good to give substantial feedback, but sorry for typing so much. I’m not a very concise person. In the future, I’ll try to shorten my feedback from Michener-length writing to the more agreeable Shirley-Jackson-measure.

I really like the second chapter, but I think giving Lizzie’s mum a name that doesn’t require saying “Lizzie’s mum” or “her mum” each time you refer to her would make the beginning flow better. A benefit of writing in third person is you don’t need to adhere to the nicknames or idiosyncrasies of the main character – in this case calling her mum, “mum.” Maybe give her a name?

The last sentence of the second paragraph contained some confusing pronouns, for me.
“Her head whipped round as Lizzie entered and her carefully made up face adopted a new expression.” I think it would be clearer to say, “Her head whipped around and her carefully made-up face adopted a new expression, as Lizzie entered the kitchen.” Or you could put “As Lizzie entered the kitchen” before, “her mother’s head whipped around […]” Or putting it in some other way that puts the pronouns closer to their antecedent - without Lizzie in the middle. And maybe instead of vaguely stating Lizzie’s mom’s expression changed, it might be better to give the expression an adjectival prepositional phrase, like “expression of sorrow” or “expression of solemnity.” Maybe if you do choose to do that, you might drop the word “new,” because that makes it wordy.

In the fourth paragraph the phrase “even though […], but” is redundant. You can eliminate either “even though” or “but.” I would suggest keeping “even though,” if you want to leave the clause attached, but keep “but” if you want to make the clause into it’s own sentence. In other words, choose either
“Lizzie asked, even though she’d never met her mum’s mum, it seemed the most logical explanation.”
Or “Lizzie asked. She’d never met her mum’s mum, but it seemed the most logical explanation.”

The phrase “Words, never normally her strong point anyway,” could be changed to “Words, normally not her strong point anyway” or “Words, never her strong point anyway.” The normally-never combination stumbles a bit when I read it. The first suggestion I made is obviously the more passive voice, and the second is more aggressive.

I love the characterization of Lizzie’s mom as someone to whom motherhood doesn’t come easy. I feel like there’s just enough characterization. You’re good at conserving language.

Jupiter is an interesting name for a dog. I like it. Maybe say the type of dog when initially introducing him, though, instead of the word dog. The rest of the description of the dog is illustrious except for that lack of breed, so I think the little detail would make Jupiter seem as real as my own dog.

I think the portion “And then she remembered. Mrs. Froust was dead!” should be presented as a thought, in italics: “And then she remembered, [i]Mrs. Froust is dead![/i]”
[i] represents the beginning of italics and [/i] represents the ending of italics.

I continue disliking Bee Buckingham through chapter two. It’s a love hate relationship, though, because I love to read Bee’s dialogues with Lizzie, but I really don’t like her callousness. I love her line: “What I want to know, Lizzie Fisher, is how did you make it happen?” I imagine each of the last six words being stated like their own sentences, accusatory statements, and not a question at all.

Also, I enjoy the hint of pathetic fallacy in your story: the upcoming rainstorm that seems to occur because of Mrs. Froust’s death.

Cul-de-sac should be hyphenated.

I really enjoyed this chapter, and I feel bad for the newly marked, old lady. I wonder if Lizzie will find some way to use her knowledge to save the marked people. That doesn’t seem likely right now, though, because she doesn’t get any information on where, when, or how the people will die.

-Nathan

P.S. Sorry again, for not being more concise.

Hi Hannah,

Up until chapter 10 - I thought wow! You got Belinda's character as well as you depicted Lizzie's parents in the brief mentions you made of them. Ariadne was much more ethereal (perhaps she is meant this way). I think I would prefer a more grounded vision of her nevertheless. But you have captured scents and sounds nicely (reminds me of Joanne Harris a little!). The only question in my mind is the eternal one...where does it go from here? It is moving from the realm of reality beautiful embellished with paranormal, to paranormal touched with reality. I already put it on my bookshelf though and cant wait to read more. Congratulations! I notice that Rachel's Holiday is among your favourites. Given that you like this one, I woudl love it if you could read mine which is in very much the same vein. Serious topic, in a chick lit style.

Louisa

Chapter 3: This chapter is the proverbial 'calm before the storm', riddled with subtle character building amongst the apparent mundanity of everyday life. The cruelty of youth is described very well early on in the chapter and leads on well to reveal Lizzie's personal coping mechanisms and her suffering silence admist guarded interaction that occurs within what seems like a very stressed family that are simply keeping up appearences for one anothers 'benefit'. It paints something of a sad picture of lonliness that has imbued them all in its grey hues. I'm enjoying the read very much, but will be offline over the next two weeks- I will visit my local library from time to time and read what I can in the hour I am allowed per visit! Take care for now, spence