The Seer Stone

Edits on The Seer Stone are going well. At the moment i've removed all but the re-editted chapters. I'll add them back on as each is editted and finished.
Enjoy :)

One of the best covers I've seen, a good pitch and a wonderful surprise in the opening section of chapter one. Tis is an ideal start and I went on to read 3 more chapters. 138,000 plus words and that's only a partial upload, that's stunning. A book of such epic proportions is impressive enough, but when your age is taken into account, I salute you.
You are clearly a talented writer with a good command of pace and characterisation. The story flows along and I never faltered in the section I read. Always a good pointer to the quality of the writing.
I'm overwhelmed by this book and would love it to be successful.
I'm delighted to give this a quick spin on my shelf. If I wasn't under such shelf space pressure at the moment it would have gone on and stayed there for a long time.
Jared.

CHAPTER 1
This is a very clever beginning, beautifully crafted to make us think we’re in the heat of some terrible war, and the abrupt way you rip that illusion from our eyes is terrific. I actually had to read the last sentence of that opening narrative stretch twice because I didn’t believe what I read the first time! The picture of the quad takes me right back to my school and university days too, though snowball fights so close to the buildings were punishable by a fifty pence fine per snowball thrown.

Alex is an interesting touch, dropped into the narrative like a surprise snowball from above! ;-) The second surprise you’ve given me this chapter. The geists are fascinating, reminiscent of the daemons of Philip Pullman’s His Dark materials trilogy. But even more curious is that not quite everyone has one. I hope this will be explained at some point…

You use the word “defiantly” a couple of times in this chapter where I think you mean “definitely.” Or at least the latter is the more appropriate word. Probably just a typo and the curse of Word’s automatic corrections… But “…would of soiled myself” is more worrying: should be “would have.”

CHAPTER 2
OK, I’m stopping here as I don’t think there are really things I can comment on here that I haven’t already pointed out above or in the general points I’ll make below. Also because I see your book is complete and uploaded. I am absolutely mesmerised by this and I’m going to quit reviewing and read the rest of it for the remainder of this afternoon and evening. You’ve spoiled it for everyone else awaiting a review from me, you know! ;-)

Seriously, this is simply fascinating and I can’t not read on.

OVERALL
A few typos in what I’ve read, but not so many to be concerning and they’ll easily be turfed out by a quick copy edit. Watch out for descriptive an simple word repetitions too – you’re too good for that. That aside, the writing is excellent and the story exquisitely told. You had me hooked from the beginning and I simply love this story. One of the best I’ve read either on authonomy or outside it. Proud to make a space for you on my shelf and I think I’ll start a thread in the forums too to see if that can’t drum up an extra reader or two. This deserves to be seen by many more and definitely to make it to the editor’s desk!

Very well written and your pitch is great. Happy to back. Hope you check mine out. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

This is the perfect young adult book - pay attention authonomy! This has everything! Wonderful prose and deep mysterious journeys. I am so glad you have so much downloaded here I will be back! BACKED for now.

Liz
The Cheech Room

Hi,

I have backed you book because I found it eminently readable
and have to cover 25 books a day just to keep my place on here.
If you would like a more specific comment please return the favor.
Good luck with it.

Tim Chambers
Moonbeam Highway: With Apologies to Miguel de Cervantes.

This is very well written and I enjoyed reading it. This is written in a style and at a pace that is ideal for YA readers. I will back it with pleasure.

Tony
Life Bringer

Hi Nathaniel, I have no idea why this book is not further up the list, I really think you should push it more and send it out to publishers. This is a brilliant read I got straight into it. I already love Bell and especially Alex, I love the idea of the geist, I still don't know why they have them but I'm sure that is to come later. This reminds me of Harry Potter only because of the school and the excellent imaginative writing, this has all the elements that will grab a YA audience and keep them with Bells adventures. I genuinely really enjoyed this and I hope you are working at getting it out to publishers. Definitely on my shelf. Helena (A Load of Rubbish)

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

The only thing I would suggest is to shorten the chapter lengths to better suit the YA audience.
Otherwise I thought this was quite good.
I really like the opening, where you painted what appeared to be a bloody midevil battle ony to reveal a schoolyard snowball fight. awesome.
Backed.
MickR - The Nightcrawler

That's a neat trick you played at the beginning! I was certain it was another fantasy battle scene, complete with dead bodies. This reads very well and I like the idea of Geists - it has echoes of Philip Pullman in it. I just wonder if Bell would even think it was worth thinking about to see the Quartermaster speaking to a Geist? If everybody in the world does it, nobody would think about it. That's my only comment. Good stuff.
Annabelle

Nathaniel,

I noticed all the comment s pertaining to chapter one of your book, "The Seer Stone" so I'll confine my comments to chapter two. First let me say that I've enjoyed what I've read and think you're onto something here. For that reason I have backed your book. The only thing I might suggest is the over use of names/titles. By that I mean (see chpt. 2) you could drop the near continuous use of 'Quartermaster'. Your writing is clear and we know who is who in the scene(s) without the being reminded every sentence or so. That sounds harsh I know, but if you read it aloud as written, (or better yet have someone you know read it aloud to you), you will see what I mean. Still, I like what your doing and I have happily backed your book.
If you get a chance, would you mind taking a look at my book, "The Wild, Wild Quest"? I appreciate all the comments/feedback I can get.

Best of luck,
J. A. Johnson
(The Wild, Wild Quest)
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=13246

Hi - great writing. I especially love how you started out the chapter - here I am thinking this is a war zone and it's just a snowball fight. Great, I loved that. The chapter is quite long - I would suggest chopping it up to make it more reader friendly. I'm happy to back you. Good luck.

Jeanne (Dark Angel)

Found this on someone else's shelf and liked the cover so went for it...great pitch and even better opening. Great writing, best of luck. Backed.

Well you caught me out! I thought it was a real battle.... One phrase jarred - 'disorganised individuals'.. I did also wonder if the scene went on a little too long and if it might be stronger if they were picking on her (or is that just too obvious?). Next time I stumbled was 'Even Alex knew that' - and I'm thinking, eh, who's this Alex person? But then it becomes clear and, hey, neat idea....a little Pullmanesque but I like the concept of Geists...
There's a lot going on in this first chapter but I'm intrigued and would read on if this were in paper form....
so I'm very happy to back you.
Jane
WALKER

Fine YA actioneer...one that us oldies will like too!!
Backed.

This is an exciting and realistically written book. Bell, the main character, is shown as a normal child, and we get to know her easily. I particularly enjoyed the way you begin, with 'The sounds of battle hung heavy in the icy air,' making us think we are plunging into a real war. This continues for several paragraphs, then we are allowed to realise that you are describing a snowball fight, and that Bell is a child at school, who has been throwing snowballs for some time and wants a break. You introduce the idea of Geists, and we meet Alex, another character who comes across as a real individual, and already we know that we are dealing with fantasy. The discovery of the 'secret passage' is a great hook, making us want to read more, and the fact that it comes out in the study of a staff member, Peg-leg Ferris, is strange and exciting. You give us a little background at this point about Bell, and this is nicely done, without too much information in one gulp. No doubt more is to come. You develop your plot well, building up the excitement, and introducing some of your more important characters at an early stage. An enjoyable book, right for its target audience. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

The Seer Stone is a classic 'coming-of-age' fantasy where the heroine discovers her mystical powers and saves the world. It is written in a style and language that suits the YA audience, and should appeal to that target group, so I'll back it.
On the downside however, the settings and the concepts [eg a magic artifact, the Hogwarts type school] felt very familiar and a bit hackneyed. IMHO the story and/or the characters need to be more distinctive to stand out from the competition in this crowded genre. Some attention from the editor would be beneficial too - sentences often seemed awkwardly constructed or ungrammatical [this sort of battle was rarely treated to them; then such alliances the two beginning sides were created for were easily forgotten]. You also need to cut down [or out] the adjectives and qualifiers [horrifically witnessed; sobbing, weak wreck; deep groans, dribbling potions] - try using the word processor find function to highlight 'ly' and 'ing', then delete the words it finds unless they are vital. Replace them with actions to show what you want to convey if you must. You'll be amazed how much sharper and more effective your narrative will become. Good luck.

Nathaniel,
Excellent writing. Boy you know how to tell a story in dialogue,and it all sounds so natural, well done. Bell makes for a solid character and Alex is colorful also, even though I'm still trying to figure out what a Geist is. Might be a good idea for us ill informed readers if you drop in a brief hint at the beginning. Funny at first your opening it sounded like a real blood and guts war, then I read "snowball fight". That line: The air was filled with a mess of volley fire, had me visualizing flaming arrows. Anyway it's a great line. From my editor's eye you have some point of view violations where the POV quickly shifts to characters Bell can't see, but rules were meant to be broken and the story works. Oh I did see one error: You can be seen by other people's Geise if there. . . (should be they're) Great story and fun read. Good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

Love the opening, after being intrigued by the excellent pitch! Am looking forward to reading more and being hit square in the eyes with more of your twists and turns! Excellent and well worth a place on the shelf!
Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

I love how you begin this.
At first it is like a battle. I was a little skeptical of it, but when I read on I was delighted. You crafted a waring scene so well that when I saw what was really going on I let out a laugh.
This is without a doubt an enjoyable read that will be devoured by anyone who picks it up.
Shelved-
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

This book shows flashes of genius. For someone so young to have written this much is an amazing feat, I am backing you for pure effort and dedication. BUT I think the hard part is to come. If you want slow-readers like me onboard you need to put this book away for a while, come back to it afresh, see it with a stranger's eyes and begin some very serious pruning. That is going to be difficult perhaps, but the end result could be brilliant.
BADD

Nathaniel.
You should be very proud indeed. Most adults are unable to write this well. I think this will do very well here on authonomy.
Best wishes
Sue

Hi Nathaniel,

I'm back with my comments. :)

I followed PD Allen over here - I saw in my newsfeed that he commented and backed this, and was intrigued by your title. I was going to message you do see if you wanted to do a read swap, but after peeking at the pitch, I knew I wanted to read this and I didn't want to wait. :)

I jotted down some notes as a reader, since I don't feel I know enough as a writer to give good advice. These are the things that jumped out at me and interrupted the flow of the story, or bits I really liked. I hope you find these comments helpful.

Pitch

~ I know it sounds ridiculously nitpicky, but I think you should add an extra space between each paragraph - it will make it more eye-catching. Other than that, your pitch obviously works for me.

Chapter One

~ LOL! Nice twist to opening with a battle scene.

~ I would suggestion double checking how many times you use "battle" in this section. Maybe reword a few so it doesn't sound repetitious?

~ "She looked to her left where the steps were lower down, at the much calmer figure stood besides her." - should that be "as" instead of "at"? Also, "beside"

~ "Purposefully aloud, Alex said "no Bell..." - I hate to be this nitpicky, but I think it would flow better as, "Purposefully loud, Alex said "No Bell..."

~ Great way of introducing us to the idea of Geists!

~ Double check punctuation with dialog - I noticed some missing periods and commas.

~ I wonder if it would help with the flow of the story if you made, "Bell moved to his side and looked back at the bin... She gasped once she saw it." the end of Chapter One, and turned the rest into Chapter Two. Just a thought.

~ "Fine Jacob, I will fetch... a little post supper coffee" - I think it should be "post-supper"

~ Great hook at the end - I would definitely keep reading on if I had the time.


Overall, I love the concept, and really enjoyed the read. Shelved!

~Traci
Tangled Web

Your opening is a real grabber, with what seems to be a fierce battle turns out to be a fierce snowball battle. I like the way you use that to then take us into the main story. The two other important writing crafts you excel at are characterization, in particular Bell and Alex; and dialog. I was a bit concerned in the first part of the chapter where you had no dialogue at all, and I feared this would be one of those description-heavy books. But I soon found that I had noting to worry about, as Bell and Alex were soon engaged in a delightful banter that does what dialog is supposed to do: reveal more of each character, build relationships, and advance the narrative. It also has to be true to each character, which you do. So what more can I say? Good story, good characters, good dialogue, good action sequences. Well done...and shelved.

Hi Nathaniel. Well, you certainly have a lot going on, here. I like the way you get into it. Rolls right along with a nice flow. I didn't get far enough to really grasp the meat of the story (3 chapters) but I can see pretty much where it's going. Really nice writing, I like the idea, characters and settings. I think it will do well. On my shelf.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

One of the best covers I've seen, a good pitch and a wonderful surprise in the opening section of chapter one. Tis is an ideal start and I went on to read 3 more chapters. 138,000 plus words and that's only a partial upload, that's stunning. A book of such epic proportions is impressive enough, but when your age is taken into account, I salute you.
You are clearly a talented writer with a good command of pace and characterisation. The story flows along and I never faltered in the section I read. Always a good pointer to the quality of the writing.
I'm overwhelmed by this book and would love it to be successful.
I'm delighted to give this a quick spin on my shelf. If I wasn't under such shelf space pressure at the moment it would have gone on and stayed there for a long time.
Jared.

Congratulations. This really took me in. On my shelf.
I thought Bell is a great character, and her Geist, Alex is excellent.
(How about some bits of her in 1st person?). Then Ch 4 seemed very long, maybe it could
be split? Then we are drawn effortlessly into a complete world.
Wishing you lots of luck with this super story ! Mikey (The Free)

I wish I'd been able to write this well at your age. You have an unsusual and very effective style, and your plot and characters are well-developed. You describe each scene carefully and fully so that the reader is totally engaged and feels the atmosphere you have created. I'm happy to back this. Best wishes, Tony.

Nathaniel, this is great stuff. It's not really my genre, but you write well by combining all the right elements of intrigue, plot, characters - and I found myself quickly engaging with Bell (love the name) and Alex. Your premise and pitch are excellent and if I'd seen this is a shop, would have bought it for the title alone. Good luck with it. Shelved.

Edits on The Seer Stone are going well. At the moment i've removed all but the re-editted chapters. I'll add them back on as each is editted and finished.
Enjoy :)

Hi Nathaniel!

Your opening made me miss my childhood days of snowball fights! Thanks for the blast from the past... I think your pitch is good and the premise is fresh and exciting for a wide audience.

You've got some editing to do - especially with your punctuation. I noticed problems especially around your quotations - either the punctuation was outside the quotes at the end or there was none at all. A good round of editing will finesse this.

All in all, I think you're off to a great start with a very promising storyline. I'm glad to give this a push on my shelf. Best of luck to you!

Kim
Invisible Justice

The Seer Stone

Hi Nathaniel, Interesting pitch and style, more than enough to get noticed, you have a very unique approach and I liked it. A great setting and a wonderful imagination, a few basic typos but nothing that stopped the flow for me. You are trying something very ambitious and quite different here and for me, for the bits I read, it was working, well done, onto the shelf - Andrew W.

Hello Nathaniel,

The depth of your imaginative mind is revealing in this story. You drew the reader into the story with the opening lines about the battle and were vividly descriptive on how it raged. And then Bell's involvement in the whole thing aroused curiosity which you did well in handling. I would suggest you tighten up the first chapter though.

The characters are colour and I see a good plot development. The setting is rich too. However I perceived a few typos like the one below:
...Besides, you can be seen by other (peoples' Geists if they are) are close enough to me.

Overall, this is a fascinating story capable of making it to the top.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Nathaniel, visual, well -characterised, swift, and a wonderful story to boot. Backed and wish you all the best with it. Lynn

Nathaniel, visual, well -characterised, swift. Backed. Lynn

Here for our swap. Good, unexpected opening and your descriptions are vivid. I found it easy to get into the plot and from what I’ve read so far you keep up the pace and the story’s easy to follow.

My only suggestion would be about the pitch: Maybe it’s because I’m not a reader of this genre but I felt that something faster and snappier would attract readers more. You have a good story and it’s worth slightly modifying the pitch to give it justice. Shelved and good luck.

HI,
I read one chapter and I will only comment on the writing beause I didn't absorb enough of the plot to comment.
Your story (what I gleaned of it) is good, imaginative and detailed enough to make it interesting for people interested in this genre. Magic, mysticism in a school for an MC with a bad history in the background has been done before so you will have to ensure that the world you create is big and novel.
The characterisations are good. We do get the feel of the girl, Bell and her 'geist' Alex. The Quartemaster is portrayed well too.
It is atmospheric and does make one feel that Bell will be discovered any moment and that is a great achievement.

The writing itself needs editing and tightening. Some of the sentences have rather clumsy structure and there are too many adverbs ending in -ly even in the text.
The dialogue is good and expresses the characters and their voice well but...
And there is always a 'but'!

Dialogue: Don't qualify what the speaker has said with -ly adverbs. They weaken the writing. If you have to use adverbs to qualify speech the writing inside the quotes isn't strong enough. We do that because we feel insecure about the reader knowing what our character means or feel or the way they say it. Readers see a simple 'he said,' 'she said' as punctuation and it is used to indicate which speaker speaks so the reader doesn't get confused. If the writing is strong you understand the anger, the humour, the sadness from words inside the speechmarks.
Your dialogue is like Robert Ludlum's. All his characters when speaking, gulp, retort, boom, smile and chortle. Ever tried speaking as you chortle or laugh or giggle?
General words:
Cut all the –ly adverbs you can everywhere in the text. It will strengthen the writing.
Words like: ‘little’, ‘just’, ‘had’, ‘that’ 'quite', need to be edited out.

I recommend ‘Self-editing for Fiction Writers’ by Denni Browne and Dave King, it’s excellent and available ion Amazon.
Despite all this seemingly endless carping, which is only intended to be hepful, did like what I read and you have the makings of a good book here.
I've backed it for that reason.

Take all this with a bucketful of salt – I’m unpublished and just an amateur.
You could look my book and see if I take my own advice! I strongly recommend that when offered advice you lookat the commenter's writing and if it suck, ignore the advice!

Best of luck with it,
Fred (Swords across the Rhenus)

Nathaniel,

Here are my thoughts about your opening:

You're very descriptive. I really liked the snowball fight, although I did wonder how much you gained by not making it clear that it was a snowball fight until the end. I would've prefered knowing this was a snowball fight from the beginning so that I could visualize it better. Initially, I thought it was an actual combat scene. Sometimes it's fine to be a little tricky/hold information back, but I don't think it worked for me in this case.

After you revealed that it was a snowball fight, you do a good job of painting a scene, raising tension, and characterizing Bell. There are probably a few places where you could quicken the pace, but other than that it's well written. I did notice a few sentences where you fell into "telling" us about Bell, rather than showing us an action and letting the reader make up his/her mind. just look out for "was/were/had/have" verbs that make "conclusions" about a character (timid, rebellious, etc.) and ask yourself if there is an action you can use to make this point. For instance, Bell is "hiding" from the fight, which already hints at her being timid (and smart), so do you really need to tell the reader? Sometimes less is more because it allows your reader come to their own conclusions.

The introduction of Alex is interesting, though if he can't ever wander more than a few feet away from Bell, why isn't he mentioned before this? Also although I liked their dialogue, I did wonder if some of it was too "expository." It didn't feel as natural... especially the "i'm a geist... I thought they taught..." I'd recommend finding another more "natural" way to say this stuff via dialogue or via internal monologue. However, this is my own personal opinion so feel free to ignore it.

I also found this typo: "Bell knew she fortunate..." should probably be "Bell knew she was fortunate..."

Overall, your description of the snow fight and Bell's flight from it was well done and interesting. The introduction of the Geist was an added bonus. There were a few problems with pacing and the "expository" dialogue, but I enjoyed the read so far and so it's worth shelving in spite of my concerns.

Best Wishes,
Joseph

Wow, another young writer. Good to know I'm not alone. You use powerful visuals to convey your story. Any story that begins with a simple sentence like: "The sounds of battle hung heavy in the air" is a genius in my book. Good hook to draw the reader in. WL.

Hey,
Your opening scene was incredibly visual. You did an excellent job of describing it, and you grabbed my attention right away. I feel that you have a nice style to your wriitng, i can tell that you listen to your writers voice and allow the scenes to flow out of you. You're 18 now, so just imagine how good you will be at 20! I'm 22 myself, and i've improved so much in a short time. Keep writing all of the time and always strive to better yourself, and i'm sure that one day you will be published!
Shelved, for a grand effort.

regards,

Mark H

I read the very long first chapter. You have a knack for writing and I liked the way you kep your paragrahs short, dialogue sentences succinct. What I did not like was the very long first chapter. You wanna grab your reader into the story quickly. This is why I bring up the short intro chapter. You are backed!

I do look forward to your forthcoming comments on my thriller. Cheers!

JC

Nathaniel,

You have a good pitch, short and long, for this, which is so important. You also have an eyecatching cover.

That's a powerful opening too, with a good feel for the chaos of battle and a sense of mystery in the mention of the volleys and the white cloud.

It takes me a moment to realise its a children's snow ball fight, well done.

Then you have three paragraphs of background, exposition if you will, which is not as tight, but you quickly move back to action, showing us Bell, rather than telling us about her.

You have a spelling or typing error in your paragraph about geists: you have "defiantly" when I think it should be "definitely".

However, I like this geist concept, and the way you introduce it. Just when things had seemed normal you inject the first element of fantasy. Very well timed.

You have some good flowing prose (for example "Bell sprinted across the quad and the girls gave chase. Their jibing cries echoed in Bell's ears with the drumming of her heartbeat) but sometimes you fall into a series of short sentences that can feel flat (for example in the para before the one I just quoted from).


Your dialogues good (though you might want to look at your tags, said is normally safe, more florid tags - like "gushed" draw attention away from the words spoken, best advice, avoid tags unless you need them - which you mainly do). Please bear in mind when I make comments like this, that I'm just another amateur wannabe, it's all just my opinion.

Your first chapter is very long, you may find splitting in two - at an appropriate spot - will make it more accessible, especially here on Authonomy where people have to read on the screen.

Chapter two show us the Headmaster and the Quartermaster and beings to hint at Bell's importance and provide more background (the witches etc.).

Things are looking ominous by the end of the chapter.

It seems to me that your action and your dialogue are very good, at times - more so in the first chapter than the second - you break the flow to tell us things that perhaps we don't need to know. I think too that if you read it through you will find that it can be tightened a little - taking out words, sentences and even paragraphs that aren't required to advance the story.

All in all this is intelligent, well written fantasy and I'm going to give it a spin on shelf.

Hi, Nathaniel.
Wow. That first paragraph... I thought full scale war had broken out. A snowball fight... haha. What a relief.
Really nice sliding into into it like that. Gave it a little playful seriousness from a kids point of view. Read the first and second chapter and skimmed the third. Great dialog, descriptions, etc.
I was stumbling through the book list when I saw this one. Glad I found it. I think this should be a good one for you. Good luck with it. Shelved

Fun, fun, fun...you keep us guessing from the get go and lead us on this wild goose chase war with snowballs and Alex the Geist and you know what? I love it! Yeah sure there were typos and the normal things to edit which I won't go into since you are clearly in the process...but your story itself is full of excitement and your characters are fleshed out nicely...and that is talent! Happy to shelve...good luck!

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

Nathaniel,

I didn't get a chance to read The Seer Stone before you began your edits, but you're obviously making great progress. This is a good story. Excellent way to open with the battle which seems all so intense until we find it's just... (well, I wont' spoil that surprise.) Good stuff. Beyond that, I felt like we were getting to know Bell with ease, that you are "showing, not telling" as you moved through the first chapter. I felt the same way about Alex the Geist.

I like this story and I'm backing.
Mark

Nathaniel, you are quite a talented. It is hard to believe you are just 18! You must have writing in your blood. Backed C.P.

18, you say? I think I kinda hate you (just kidding, envy you would be more accurate.)

Get rid of most of your adverbs and watch out for a few awkward sentences, and this will be way better than many other Authonomy entries.

Adverbs: they tend to prop up weak verbs, and even when they don't, they don't add much meaning, and editors and agents tend to dislike them.

Signs of awkward sentences: ending with prepositions or pronouns, contain back to back prepositions (e.g., not yours, but 'down into', and when you read them aloud, they don't feel right. Sometimes you even trip over them when you're reading aloud.

I'm backing you because I want you to keep on writing...read the best writers, study the craft, and write, write, write.

Cheers,
Sheryl (swap reads? Backing optional)

CHAPTER 1
This is a very clever beginning, beautifully crafted to make us think we’re in the heat of some terrible war, and the abrupt way you rip that illusion from our eyes is terrific. I actually had to read the last sentence of that opening narrative stretch twice because I didn’t believe what I read the first time! The picture of the quad takes me right back to my school and university days too, though snowball fights so close to the buildings were punishable by a fifty pence fine per snowball thrown.

Alex is an interesting touch, dropped into the narrative like a surprise snowball from above! ;-) The second surprise you’ve given me this chapter. The geists are fascinating, reminiscent of the daemons of Philip Pullman’s His Dark materials trilogy. But even more curious is that not quite everyone has one. I hope this will be explained at some point…

You use the word “defiantly” a couple of times in this chapter where I think you mean “definitely.” Or at least the latter is the more appropriate word. Probably just a typo and the curse of Word’s automatic corrections… But “…would of soiled myself” is more worrying: should be “would have.”

CHAPTER 2
OK, I’m stopping here as I don’t think there are really things I can comment on here that I haven’t already pointed out above or in the general points I’ll make below. Also because I see your book is complete and uploaded. I am absolutely mesmerised by this and I’m going to quit reviewing and read the rest of it for the remainder of this afternoon and evening. You’ve spoiled it for everyone else awaiting a review from me, you know! ;-)

Seriously, this is simply fascinating and I can’t not read on.

OVERALL
A few typos in what I’ve read, but not so many to be concerning and they’ll easily be turfed out by a quick copy edit. Watch out for descriptive an simple word repetitions too – you’re too good for that. That aside, the writing is excellent and the story exquisitely told. You had me hooked from the beginning and I simply love this story. One of the best I’ve read either on authonomy or outside it. Proud to make a space for you on my shelf and I think I’ll start a thread in the forums too to see if that can’t drum up an extra reader or two. This deserves to be seen by many more and definitely to make it to the editor’s desk!

Hi Nathaniel.
What great opening paras yours were, terrific deception, well done! I once wrote a short story very similar to this, with a battle raging that turned out to be a bunch of school kids. Great stuff!
I also liked the idea of Geists, and the fact that you didn't introduce Alex right from the start was a good ploy.
The wall-illusion worked well, I like it when things feel real and I could instantly imagine this and how the deception worked. Who would be able to resist exploring such a hidden passage? Bell, of course, did not disappoint.
The interior of the school is well-drawn, it felt gloomy, atmospheric, otherworldly. And Peg-leg Ferris was a wonderful character, full of hidden meanings and half-veiled secrets. Bell's past clearly holds many surprises and you easily create desie in the reader to know more.
I'm sure other readers have already pointed out the spelling and punctuation issues here, so I won't list them. A good edit will soon sort them out. There are also some overlong sentences which could do with a good prune.
But the essence of the story was strong and clear enough to grab my interest and I would certainly read on. Therefore, this is getting a turn on my shelf.
If you could take a peek at KING'S ENVOY, I'd be grateful for any feedback.
All the best,
Cas.

nathaniel, your work has genuine promise. i found your pitch chaotic and i was approaching chapter one with trepidation. some of the issues in your pitch do reappear in your narrative but what also quickly appears is a delightful originality in turn of phrase. this is where i find the promise.

in terms of tightening up the writing from a technical point of view, one of the things that has helped me is reading good writers. i'm sure you are doing that. if you want a few pointers in different genres, i would recommend Brogan's Crossing, Touching Bottom, Cerulean Isle and anything by Astruc. these are all here on authonomy and in their different ways they show what can be done with technique, vocabulary and some great ideas.

of course there's the world of published literature out there too. no shortage of choice then.

the kinds of thing you might look out for would be showing rather than telling the story - let the story emerge from what the characters do and think, what they read or dream - making the rise and fall of the sentences easy to read, being scrupulous about your choice of word, reducing adjectives and adverbs which are often introduced to make up for having chosen not quite the right noun/verb.

hope this is helpful. happy to urge you on with your work by popping this on my shelf for a while.
xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Hi Nathaniel,

Intriguing pitch; it’s what brought me here.

I loved that you jumped right into the action. I can certainly see this as a movie. Great pacing and precise sentence structure. I read along with ease. Great characterization and dialogue. The interaction between Bell and Alex felt natural.

I think it needs some editing when it comes to punctuation, but it was an enjoyable read so far. Great imagination. This has great potential.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

This opening chapter had me guessing a reassessing as I read and this kept the interest level high.

“The sounds of battle hung heavy in the icy air.... The air was filled with a mess of volley fire.... those that found their targets exploded upon them in a cloud of white, some victims even falling from the blows in shrieks of shock.... And as friend turned on friend, she lost any hope of there being a distinguishable victorious side from the conflict.”

A medieval battle? A conflict to change the world order? A fantasy scene between warring tribes? Nope.

““Is there anybody there?” Bell panted in a whisper.
The man kept his hands deep in his jacket pockets and continued to stare out over the steps where Bell was too short to see.
He was in his late twenties with a youthful scholarly look about him.
“Alex!” Bell hissed when he didn’t answer, “Is anybody there?”
Alex looked around one last time before turning to Bell where his distant look slowly changed into a cheeky and cunning smile.”

Ah, got it. Chicklit and romance then? Nope again. Alex is a Geist!

“Geists had practically always accompanied people throughout life. “

Ah now it is getting clearer. Nope:

“Though none understand the mysteries of how Geists come to be.”

This is a very cleverly devised introduction to the story proper. No one could possibly accuse this author of same old, same old. And the introduction of the quartermaster with his own Geist is a further twist to the interest; but it is Bell we must follow:

““Miss Annabelle Boutrare, why is it you amongst all who feel it necessary to break the school rules and come in here?” “

The unstated answer is of course that Bell is going to prove a rather special MC:

““I’m going to put you on assistant duty with one of the witches for a few days. It’s not common practice for students to get to choose” he winked slyly, “but suppose you tell me which one you prefer?””

Well written, good dialogue, and above all a high interest level. On my shelf.