The Soldier and the Scoundrel

Hi,
This makes for a very action-packed beginning. The story is rich and eventful, though I felt it was sometimes let down by an overly-casual written style e.g. there's a point where it says that Sarah "could not just sit and feel sorry for herself," which paints the picture of a spoilt child or someone in a sulk. In the middle of a warzone, that would hardly be the way she was feeling! Turns of phrase like this, which are used so much in everyday conversation, don't really carry the drama needed in the scenes you are describing. Small things like that detracted from the tension for me.
You obviously have very good knowledge of the military and the weapons in the world you have created and your use of detail makes the drama all the more vivid. Be aware of small grammatical errors: "Stan, who was laying helplessly," should be "Stan, who was lying helplessly," for example. It may just need a quick read through and some editing.
Dan

A bleak vision but an original concept. You paint the military scene with conviction, which bespeaks inside knowledge or good research. Should appeal to the Warhammer 40K crowd though the language might frighten off some of the readers who go for Margaret Attwood type books. Good luck with this, Jim D Serpent's Blood

Strong hook at the end of the chapter, you swell the chapter from suspension to relief, to suspension to relief (in failure) at the end. Excellent tidal movement of emotions and movement.

A couple of commas could go in, such as "What the fuck, Lon?" and there's a typo "Where's Stan?" asked Sarah abruptly (you put an i before the a in his name). "Are you fucking serious?" - Sarah, needs a question mark.

When Sarah sees the prisoner is Stan, it might make more impact if you either start a new paragraph with 'It was Stan!', or start one just afterwards, where she breathes a sigh of relief.

Otherwise, well-structured and a great read, bringing the reader straight in to the action and yet providing some back story to place the characters comfortably in my mind. Visual style, I can hear the gunfire and see the action, as though it is a movie - I love action and sci-fi genre - and the most powerful thing about this is the NOW is no work of fiction, yet it is good to see it IN one. Hopefully, this is not an example of the society on its way that seems inevitable.

Good, strong writing. Staying on my shelf a while longer.

Emma x

the story i find fascinating. i like the idea of the 'new world order'. the idea is amazing and i think you deserve a congratulations for coming up with such an idea. i do however think it needs a little polishing. for instance, in the second paragraph (second line) you have what looks like a double space. and also the full stop near that i think is unecessary. a comma would ease up the flow of that paragraph and give it a better flow. i knows its rather nit-picking; but its litttle things like that that publishers notice and mark you down on