MAYAN CALENDAR GIRLS

Wow, thanks for your kind words, Don. Certainly among the most thoughtful and helpful of any of the comments we've gotten here or anywhere.
Wow, even a publisher tip! What a guy!
We will certainly look into "Tropic of Orange"

Thanks again for your commentary. You're a major asset.

Wow, thanks for your kind words, Don. Certainly among the most thoughtful and helpful of any of the comments we've gotten here or anywhere.
Wow, even a publisher tip! What a guy!
We will certainly look into "Tropic of Orange"

Thanks again for your commentary. You're a major asset.

Team 2012 -

To match your hyper-novel model, after reading the first chapter I skipped around to three others at random (11, 17 and 24), and here's my thoughts.

I saw in your pitch how you compared this novel to "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" (and even reference it when you talk about the BJ in chapter 17), but I actually can think of a better comparison, a more recent novel to line it up with. If and when you attempt to pitch this work to a publisher, I suggest you familiarize yourselves with a novel entitled "Tropic of Orange" by Karen Tei Yamashita, as she has gotten published using a very similar "hypernovel" model, and her publisher might be the first one you go to to get this into print.

These short snippets I've skipped around to helped to solidify that the writing style stays consistent throughout, it keeps that irreverent style of narration and presentation of events. Chapter 11's look at the Mayan Calendar and 24's search for the missing archaeologist, in particular, stand out as excellently written.

The only characterization from these chapters I feel I can comment on is Aphra, since she appears in both 1 and 24. She strikes me as having the personality of someone who is most comfortable when everyone else is walking on eggshells around her: she seems to really revel in making people uncomfortable. She's very well fleshed out in these two chapters. I commend you for this.

Well done. It's quirky, it's irreverent, it's occasionally downright obscene as evidenced by the dolphin chapter I read earlier this week. It's also a winner. My shelf needed some Mayan culture, anyway.

Don A. Martinez
(The Advance Guard)

Dear Team
This is quirky and downright outrageous. Well done!
Of the first 3 chapters I thought it got better, with chapter 3 the best, so you might want to ask the team member who wrote chapter 1 to relook at it.
The first para needs most attention since this is vital to capture a browsing reader. How about something like: "Why do the guardians of powerful people think they are the ones with the power? It pissed Alphra off to have to go through a "gatekeeper." They were even more arrogant and self-important than the people they protected."
Good luck - you made me smile with your irreverent humour.
Chris (I Dare You)

Enjoyable - oddly funny. Not politically correct. It's a different view of the Yucatan than from my experience. Me? I've been a gringo tourist there - like the ones you mentioned - seeing nature in a controlled setting. Not proud, just saying. Any way, I like this - not sure how the chapters tie together, but you warned me of that in the blurb - so I'll trust in Team 2012. Shelved.

The Mayan Calendar Girls

Hi, Wow, what a different slice of life you offer us here. Weird, fantastical, great, great characters. A bold and individual piece that I learnt a lot from. Loved the song, loved the interplay between this motley collection of individuals, not sure if I entirely get it all yet, but I felt like I was in safe narrative hands, great writing. Would read on, am intrigued enough and like the characters, but unfortunately no time, best wishes, deserves to do well, wonderful title by the way - best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.

I knew i was going to love this (yes i am a hitchiker's fan) and aphra is a treat. love the dialogue, the pitch the works. nothing i could say could possibly improve it. how come this isn't on lots of shelves?

hey it's going on mine.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

This was interesting. I loved your characters, yet I couldn't help wonder if they were out of place. I detected accents that suggested they were not American. So, now I'm confused about the setting. You could use a better pitch. It's a bit over the top, confusing, and rambling. I also agree Jason... his first line read more freely. Sometimes we try so hard to stray from the cliche that we confuse readers because certain things are expected. Prime example in your opening line:

pissed Aphra off... most of are looking for...pissed off Aphra, so we stumble and have to back track. While it's great to break barriers, it's often better go with the flow. Otherwise great concept, work it I'll be watching.

Hey Team! I like this book for its ambitiousness. I believe you have something here, and it's only a matter of tightening the bolts, if you will, to make this into something even more special than what it is. A few observations:
1. The first para sucks! Sorry, dude(s). It does the rest of the chapter no favour as everything from para 2 sings. Your first paras need to pop. Especially since this is a self-described hyper-novel. Pop! POP! I may be presumptuous, but I took the liberty of rewriting the first para. It is by no means good yet, but I think it has a tad more zing to it.

Aphra was pissed off at the guardians she had to go through to talk to powerful people. These “gatekeepers” thought they were the ones who had the power. Arrogant. Self-important. More than even the people they were guarding, keeping away anyone they suspected of trying to crash the party.

2. Many of your "chapters" lack dialogue. Even snippets of it will grab the readers' attention if not for anything other than the variety. Chapter 2, for example, has many opportunities for a bit of dialogue. Oh, the song lyrics are a good way to add some fullness to the story.

I think your book has something and will rise higher in the rankings. Good luck with this and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Better to be a traveler than a tourist. anytime we can make fun of the end of the world, I'm in favor. Also anyone who uses the word Bailiwick is my freind.
One suggestion. Usage of the words honky and gringo and other derogitory terms can be percieved as bad PC. I know its just character and the book, which is fine but could limit the market Just saying I dont want you to change it just to be aware of the impact.

Team 2012

Took me a while to get to you, but finally here I am.

Blimey, this is an assault on the senses! A lot happens in a short space of time, though I must admit to being none the wiser as to what's occurring. I have to repeat some of the comments already made on here, in that this is somewhat disjointed, confusing and undisciplined

However please don't take this too harshly, as there is also clearly raw talent on show. I think perhaps the collective approach had led to this work having no real 'voice', and I found it difficult to get into. I think it needs a re-working; take what you have as a draft, and try and make it a bit more accessible from the off and i think you could be on to a winner here.

That said, Kerouac wrote a stream of consciousness that turned out brilliantly, so perhaps I'm just not on the right wavelength. Anyhoo, hope my comments are of some help, and if you do rework it let me know and I'll gladly reread.

All the best

Stanny

Oh, gawd, at the end of chp4 and have no idea what's potting. Sorry! BUT, I like the voice and style and ATTITUDE!!!!!!!!! Therefore onto my shelf for a while- gumption-based, ha ha!

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Above all, I see a raw ability here. Undisciplined, but talented. There were moments I perked up and smiled at a good simile, or when a scene clicked. A confident voice emerges at times that demands to be heard.
I also feel a lack of effort, where much of this reads like a first draft: raw thoughts without focus. Little editing.

These chapters read to me as if they were practice exercises in character sketches. While good in their own right, I can only take in so many new characters before a story coalesces. By chapter 4 I was looking for your novel to go somewhere, but...

My comments can be harsh at times, I know. All they are, however, are one reader's thoughts. I hope they are useful in someway.
Thank you for letting me have a look, and I wish you the best.

-GM

Chapter 3

Not sure what the point is so far, or where it's going, but this particular chapter is the strongest in terms of the writing. This bit felt concrete, solid. I could see it well.
The POV shift was a bit odd, in that you take a fair amount of time introducing the aged hipster, then abandon him for a quick still life on the girl.

Just a recommendation, but where these early chapters have no apparent overlap, you might want to lead with this one.

Chapter 2

The typos are throwing me off your vibe. Obvious typos. Please proof this if you're serious about getting people to read it.

There are shining moments like the bit about Seagull's hornrims. Yet much of your description seems disjointed, without solid location. In other words, I have these various bits of scenery floating around in space with very little tying them together. Like someone was writing after four Americanos...

Cool song. Saved me.

Chapter 1

It's got some brass, for sure.

The first paragraph, I get it, but it reads clunky, a touch passive and long.

Nice this. Speedy pace and rhythm. Witty in places with great lines:
'Thank you, thank you America....This is really humbling'.
Made me laugh.
Well-written for the type of book it is. Clever.
Best,
Fred

There are lightening bolts of wit and the writing is sassy and highly intelligent, but I just don't get it. It reads like a stream of consciousness with ideas sparking off all over the place, but it lacks cohesion - couldn't empathise with the characters and found nothing to get my teeth into. I'm probably too old and dyed-in-the-wool to really get this. Some of it could have been in Swahili for all that it meant to me. Web-2, distro and matastatic all in one sentence. WTF?!

Hello Team2012 - delighted to drop by here. What a cracking title, and an original-sounding pitch too. I am intrigued. Here are my random thoughts:

- "That other guy with [the] really cool book": need the 'the', I think;
- "eye-fucking her": I'd never actually encountered this phrase before. So obvious, and I'm sure I've heard it before, but I *like* it. You use it well, sirs/madams;
- "PhiBate": eh? Do you mean PhiBeta (as in Frat boy nonsense)? Or have I missed something completely? Apologies if so...;
- "serious as a proces server": nice;
- "if the shoe fits...": what an excellent para. We, m'dears, shall get along;
- "to give her pose a sexual tilt": you are a fantastic observer of the female of the species. And I like it.

A moment on the sesty shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

You write with such confidence, it's a hip stream of consciousness crazy ride that is reflective and funny. You just wrap us up in this crazy story and I have a sneaking suspicion that as we come to the very end, we're going to go AHHHH, now I get it. On my my shelf.
Jeff

This has a fantastic rhythm, in some places it's punchy, in some places it glides. There's a real wit running through the text and an excellent stranglehold on language. Never has my attention been gripped so tightly by something I comprehend so little of.

I think this is a very smartly written work. In Chapter 7 you say "He gave a beat, then said." I think the period should be a comma.

It's also a little disconcerting that there are whole swaths of text where there isn't any dialogue. But that's your style.

The idea is very good, and very well executed.

Armen (Urtaru)

I am finding Mayan Calendar Girls a really intriguing read - I lived in Belize in the 1990s, so was interested in your pitch and tags for the story. Very cool, modern story-telling throughout and a great website - I am sure that this will work very well as a novel told by blog. All the best, Andrew (author of BIG FISH)

Hi Team.

Sensational thrust in tone. Shocking conversations in breaking all politically correct guidelines, which jars the reader into listening. You're consist with writing full throttle even when the action has slowed. Each character adds another dimension to the plot. A humorous, in your face, look on humanity. Well written with clarity in thought.

On my shelf. Good luck

Janet Marie - Spirit Prisoners.

Well, Team, this is undeniably original, and very funny in places. I had a quick peek at your website (guess what - some dads do know what blogs and RSS feeds are!): it's all very clever. On my shelf for being a breath of fresh air.

First sentence you have written feels awkward to me. Here’s why. You wrote: What most pissed Aphra off about the “gatekeepers” and guardians you had to go through to talk to powerful people was that they always thought they were the ones who had the power. I would reword to say: What pissed Aphra off the most regarding the “gatekeepers” and “guardians” was that in order to gain access to those with power, one had to inevitably go through those that think they have power. To me, rewording your sentence this way is clearer. Long. But clear.

I empathize with Aphra and I really like the line: About as sincere as his artlessly displayed PhiBeta key.

When Aphra gets sassy, I LIKE IT! “Well, you seem to think I’m from Africa. I hope that isn’t about the whole ‘descended from apes thing.’ And what makes you think I’m American? Rather than Canadian or Bahaman or something?” That’s all sass!

THIS IS BRILLIANT: It’s all in how you talk to honkies, she thought. Just enunciate clearly and speak slowly.

How Winston describes his “sovereign country / waterbed” was also very original. The description of Xchab. The way you descibe her beside the raft, her breasts…it’s all so visual and put me in the story.

By the end of chapter 2 I can tell that this is going to be one hell of a story.

Wishing you the best with this.

Rachel May
Going Twice

Dear Team,


Well , your pitch and synopsis are exactly what the editor doesn’t want, but leave it be.

A crazy way to start a novel, but the writing is quite good in that it is short and sharp.

Reading chapter two now. Does this have a plot? Smart writing though.

Into chapter three. You know your history I see. Still no plot, but clever writing.

Too way off for me to crit, but in a niche of it’s own.

Id be interested to see what published work you aim at competing with.

Mayan Calendar Girls is on my shelf because the writing is not making the usual mistakes and this is very different to the run of the mill.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Excellent summary and humor! And your cut to the chase style should reflect on the book cover! If you have an image in mind I would like to hear about them!
a Thousand Words / aquapictures

OK, I want to like this, I really do -- the title drew me in -- but to be completely honest, after four chapters I still don't know what the hell is going on here. To that point it's a series of vignettes with no (apparent) connection. See, I do respect the snark and smarminess as that is appealing to me, and the first chapter hinted at great possibilities. But the avant-garde, we-take-ourselves-and-our-self-described-iconoclastic-narcissism-way-too-seriously style just is a tad much. But then, so what? I'm not the target demographic. Still, I'll give you points for originality over readability, which I agree is oxymoronic for a Web site devoted to books and reading, but so be it. Best of luck.

Hi there,
This is briliant, your humour is wonderful, I relished every word! You have such a firm grip of your subject and you write so confidently. This is witty and straight to the point. I can't see how this can be anything other than successful. It's fab and it's on my shelf - I will be back to read more!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Bugger me this is fucking insane. Good insane but still probably dangerous. It's so UNPC it's great and it just takes your breath away. The mind games are more than a game in your hands they're a blood sport.
This is crackpot without bein' pretentious.. Great crazy shit.

Hello Team,
This is SO much fun! I loved your pitch right away, and the story doesn't fail to deliver. The humor was spot on. The writing was perfect as far as I could tell; I was so wrapped up the fun that I admit to not noticing the writing mechanics very much. Has to have a turn on my shelf. Best of luck with this. I think it will do well.

Heidi
(Turning Red)