Book Jacket

 

rank 3175
word count 18120
date submitted 26.04.2009
date updated 02.10.2010
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Popular ...
classification: universal
incomplete

Chasing The Sun

James Hafseth

Charles Wentworth is a 42 year-old man distinguished from the throng of humanity only by his opinionated imaginary friend, whose discovery spells significant trouble.

 

Charles Wentworth is a middle-aged man in the utopian “New Society”. Average in nearly every respect, the reappearance of his childhood imaginary friend in his early forties concerns his wife and colleagues enough to earn him an extended stay in a mental institution, where he is diagnosed with and treated for schizophrenia. But neither Charles’ imaginary friend, his illness, nor indeed the New Society itself are necessarily what they seem, and Charles winds up being incarcerated in an institution for the criminally insane when it becomes apparent his schizophrenia is of a particularly dangerous variety – to a society that has been raised to think of religion as the root of all evil. Throughout the course of the book, we follow Charles’ treatment and the attempts to cure and re-assimilate him into every day life, interspersed with excerpts from his psychiatric reports, and touching on the darker side of a society ruled solely by science and logic.

 
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angels, creation, dystopia, evolution, fiction, future, god, intelligent design, literary fiction, mental illness, multiple personality, origins of li...

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128 comments

 

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Valentina wrote 1073 days ago

Hi!

Loving the first chapter...I really like your narrative, it is like a storyteller telling me a story, i like to feel involved in a book, and that is what this beginning does.

I like your use of 'there were two things that made Charles Wentworth unusual...' to begin and end the first chapter. This compells the reader on.

I love the description of imaginary friends too, it has an almost humorous edge, and is interesting.

I think this is individual and will interest many, in addition it isincredibly well written so I am popping it on my shelf.

All the best luck with it,
Valentina x

Phil Rowan wrote 1071 days ago

Chasing The Sun is an impressive read, James. I love the way you start with Charles Wentworth as a very ordinary/average guy with a 'run down but serviceable marriage' to Anne - a great phrase, which fits well. You then take us in a most believable way through his interactions with Dog. OK, there's ominous stuff in the background, but you just take us through Charles' whole experience effortlessly. There was another sentence when Anne suddenly realised that Charles was 'quite, quite mad' that captured her feelings effectively. This is a fine story, which I hope you get taken up by - in the first instance - by a good agent. Best of luck and backed with pleasure - Phil (Weimar Vibes)

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1073 days ago

Very impressive, some books just have to be read and this is one of them. Everything is intriguing and hints of mysteries to come. On my shelf Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Stephen G Thompson wrote 1075 days ago

Just read the first chapter.

This is a marvellous concept, and so far very well written.

I will certainly read the rest in time.

Meanwhile, it's going on my shelf on the strength of the first chapter alone!

God Bless -
Stephen

JANVIER wrote 1080 days ago

Hello James,

I got far more than I expected reading this story. It is deep and compelling, written in a manner that shows you know what you are talking about and have figured out the right way of sending it out to readers. The story reminded me of A Beautiful Mind. Your adeptness at being descriptive gave me a vivid picture of Charles’s world with his imaginary friends. The true-life characters around him are also succinctly portrayed.

It becomes clear from the opening page that you are a very good writer, crafting smooth sentences and paragraphs that take us effortlessly into the heart of the story and that provide us with insights that few stories here can match up to. The plot is amazing and the setting is very credible.

Overall, this is one of the most fascinating stories I have read on this site. It is a story to get back to and read further.

All the best


Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

name falied moderation wrote 600 days ago

Dear James
I have started to read your writing and must say that it is compelling. very well crafted and totally original, which is refreshing. Animated and quite addictive really. I feel strongly to back your book now. I do wish to be part of your climb to the top on this site. CONGRATS and I will comment more as I read more
Please take a moment to look, COMMENT which is important to me, and BACK my book. if not that is OK also

The VERY best of luck to you

BACKED BY ME FOR SURE.
Denise
The Letter

Eunice Attwood wrote 600 days ago

What a fascinating premise. Your pitch said enough to get me hooked. You use words very effectively to capture the readers imagination. Happy to back. Eunice - The Temple Dancer.

SusieGulick wrote 600 days ago

Dear James, I love that you gave the definitions at the end of chapter 3. :) Your pitch prepared me for my read & hour tight dialogue & paragraphs made for a smooth story. :) My husband is schizo, controlled by meds, so I understand all of this. :) I have backed your book :) - could you please take a moment to back my memoirs book? :) Thanks so very much. :) Love, Susie :)

Andrew Burans wrote 601 days ago

You have written a very interesting and unique storyline, which I do like, and created a most memorable main character in Charles. The dialogue is realistic and well written and the pace of your story flows well. All of this along with your descriptive writing makes your work a pleasure to read. Backed.

Andrew Burans
The Reluctant Warrior: The Beginning

SusieGulick wrote 601 days ago

:) comment to follow - read & commented on 2 hours later :)

tovapearl wrote 692 days ago

I love this!
This is one of the most original books i've seen -
and I love the way you tell the story, that bit of dry humor. Telling it very matter of factly but sneaking in some humor there too. I love imaginary friends! it's so sad that everyone thinks he's crazy...
you write very well, the writing flows wonderfully, the begining of the first cahpter compeletely ddrew me in and i love how you ended it off in the same way! backed -
good luck with this!

Barry Wenlock wrote 716 days ago

Hi James, nice writing here. Your book is well written and thought provoking.
Thanks, Barry
Little Krisna and the Bihar Boys

Ron Mitchell wrote 762 days ago

This is quite a tale. It is well written and intriguing. Good luck with your future writing. Backed. Please remember December Gold in your reading.

Melcom wrote 850 days ago

Extremely well written and I can't understand why more people aren't drawn to it.

Great read

Melxx
UNICORN

KW wrote 880 days ago

You have a very interesting story here. Charles and Dog or God or Michael, Raphael, and a myriad of invisible friends. Perhaps, they were leaking in from a different dimension: dimension hopping. he didn't know anyone anymore, but he had Dog or God or whomever else he could babble with. I guess if the wife had many friends and too busy to talk with him. Frankly, Charles sounds very similar to a lot of us in middle age: most friends are work-related and the old friends of youth "tail off over the years."

By the end of the second chapter, his wife finally comes to the conclusion that he's nuts. Then she runs out into the night. Next chapter, he's seeing a shrink and of course, he will be going down the slippery slope.

This reminds me a little of The Trial by Kafka and how Charles thinks he is being hassled because of the new ethics he's been working on. The schizophrenia is very interesting. Is this just a story about a man falling deeper and deeper into the disease or is it something much more. Perhaps, something like Jung experienced for many years. I wish I had a lot more time to read this, but I'm too busy at present, so I will return to this when I have the luxury of a little more time. Definitely, an interesting read.

bookjunky wrote 890 days ago

James,

I don't know if you've read Philip K. Dick, but "Chasing the Sun" is very much of that mold yet different. Happliy backed."
If you get a chance, would you mind looking at my book, "The Wild, Wild Quest"? I appreciate any and all feedback I can get.

Best of luck,
J. A. Johnson
(The Wild, Wild Quest)
http://www.authonomy.com/ViewBook.aspx?bookid=13246

Cato Sulla wrote 932 days ago

The way you write, it's as if you and I are sat alone around a fire with a glass of something strong and you are telling me a story. I'm sat back in a comfortable chair and hanging on to your every word. That's a talent, the talent of a true story teller, one which you possess.

Backed with pleasure.

Bob

Evan Palmer wrote 993 days ago

CHASING THE SUN - James, there is sad inevitable quality to this well-written story.. We know Charles is headed for a fall and we're not quite sure it's right. The story has a measured methodical feel as it paces us through Charles' life and its downward spiral.. good luck in getting published... evan (oaklane woods)

Thomas E. Mahon wrote 1047 days ago

James,
You have the eye for detail that few authors have. Charlie is someone you've thought about for a long time! You have everything down. Incredible. You first start off by giving the reader a run-down of what childhood friends are all about. That many have them at some point. Interesting and well-researched. At first I felt sorry for Charlie, but now I'm actually interested in his character. I want to know more and I am rooting for him! Very clever of you! I'm backing this and proud to do so. If you'd like, I think you'll find "The First Daughter" interesting.
Very nice piece of prose!
Tom Mahon

Bill James wrote 1052 days ago

Hi James

This good intelligent writing about a subject that interests me. I see you list Dawkins. Have you tried Ken Wilbur? Wilbur talks about integration of world views rather than rejection of one in favour of the other. Looks like you are going explore those themes.

Backed

Cheers
Bill

elrond1951 wrote 1055 days ago

Delightful! I only had time for two chapters but I'll be back.
DAS

Krista Darrach wrote 1056 days ago

Chasing the Sun-
James,
Annbelle backed my book and suggested I give yours a look. So here I am, and I'm glad I did.
You're voice is like an age old storyteller. It's wonderful. I love it.
There is a lot of telling, but it doesn't drone on or cause me to lose interest (for what that's worth...LOL).
I had an imaginary child as a kid (I was an only child). So the premise of the book was interesting to me.
I love your writing style and wish you the best of luck.
~Krista Darrach
-Riley's Gift

markhenderson wrote 1060 days ago

The underlying idea for this book is splendid and the writing style is beautiful: deceptively simple, but with a number of telling phrases and an undercurrent of humour that are essential to make it readable. The mediocre man living a humdrum life in a futuristic dystopia is an inherently depressing scenario, and poor Charles's diagnosis and subsequent incarceration would make this book downright oppressive without the comic elements and the clever phrasing to lift it. I found the story - in essence - compelling and the resolution perfect, albeit quietly shocking. The characterisation is very good; Charles is an instantly sympathetic figure, and the psychiatrists are all too credible. So are the relatively minor figures - Jim, Gary, and of course Anne... And the background research you've done is hugely impressive.

But will a publisher run with this manuscript? Sadly, I fear not - at least, not in its present form. I don't think you'll be able to sell it without substantial reworking. I hope I'm wrong about that (and let's face it, I probably am. Like most people who've lived long enough, I have an impressive track record in being wrong), but for what little it's worth, let me - speaking from experience - tell you the reservations I think an agent might have.

(1) I don't think you need all the explanation about imaginary friends in the first chapter. And in the third chapter (I think it was the third, anyway!), the long explanation about schizophrenias and their treatment - though very accurate according to modern belief and practice - is downright obtrusive. The average eye is going to skip over it. You've been too intent on passing on the fruits of your excellent research to the reader. It's hard to avoid that temptation, but it doesn't work in fiction writing. There are other examples of the same tendency - I needn't point them out explicitly. It's important that YOU know this material so that all the characters will behave appropriately (especially with regard to the evolution of Charles's "symptoms" and to the psychiatric treatment), but that doesn't mean you should put it down on the page.

(2) You refer to the Catastrophe, and later to the Third World War, and the principles of the New Society. But do you have to do so? Is it necessary to provide or even imply that history? The New Society is in many ways (insurance business, transport, recreations, supermarkets, microwave dinners...) indistinguishable from our current consumerist culture. That doesn't ring true as the aftermath of a massive socioeconomic discontinuity. The incompatibility distanced me from the story, i.e. prevented the requisite suspension of unbelief.

(3) A good deal of the story, especially the first two chapters, consists of you as storyteller addressing the reader - sometimes explicitly ("you..."). For oral storytelling, that can be a good device. For written fiction, it's a complete no-no, at least in the eyes of the vast majority of agents (and publishers). Much of what you've written could be presented as dialogue: between Charles and Anne or his work colleagues, or among his work colleagues (when you present such dialogue later in the text it works very well), or, of course, between Charles and Dog. You describe rather than present or enact; and the fact is that agents don't like that. What they DO like is "show rather than tell" (forgive the cliche) and lots of dialogue.

Please don't consider my comments negative - that isn't the intention! But I've been there... the first version of my now-published novel fell foul of almost exactly the infelicities I've outlined in (1) and (3) above, and three successive agents threw it back at me for reasons very similar to those (though it's a totally different kind of book). I addressed those points, and behold, I got published. I sincerely hope your efforts will have the same happy ending; and with that hope (or expectation) I'll shelve your book.

Mark.

Miss Chuck wrote 1061 days ago

This is a really intriguing bedinning, it really does draw you in. The characterisation is fascinating, definitely a study in show and not tell. I also particularly like the way you have of insinuating events before they happen, very teasing.

There are some type-os here and there, but nothing major. To be honest, there isn't really anything critical to say from what I've read so far.

I have shelved this, as I think I would buy it in hard back, although, not just by reading the synopsis. I think the synopsis would interest me enough to read a random page, and then I'd buy it, but it's not powerful enough to make me just get the book.

matjackson wrote 1062 days ago

ahhhh yum. correct use of myriad, how refreshing! ( Im not that much of a tart, its just does grate though! A myriad of authors bugger it up!)
love the 999,999 in a 1,000,000 - didnt get it, had to think - laughed!
beautiful language use...pregnant pause, its later miscarriage...
And now Anne thinks he's mad.
Love it , love this, beautiful writing...love a use of language person in any guise and you love language and words and it shows!
Glad to have shelved and sorry it took so long to type up the comments,
all the best
MAT

Andrew W. wrote 1064 days ago

Chasing the Sun

Hi James, Charles is a great creation, the premise is such a great idea that I know this is a book that will provoke much interest and comment. The prose is light-hearted and engaging, but it packs a descriptive punch. A couple of issues for me in the first chapter, you have a great first line and then you spoil it every so slightly by taking a whole page to say what you could say in a couple of sentences. The imaginary friend reflections are great, but I wonder if they need to be later in the story. We could end after a couple of paragraphs and we would still link with the notion of two things being unusual about Charles Wentworth. A great piece of writing and Charles is a wonderfully intricate and interesting character, well done - Andrew W.

Rheagan wrote 1066 days ago

Hello James,
This is an interesting if slightly troubling text. I enjoyed reading it. I think you develop Charles' character well. However, I wonder if all that background information really needs to be given so early. I know it’s a difficult call, I have a similar problem which is significantly exacerbated by me not having let anyone read chapter 4 onwards (it would give too much of the plot away). I am sure you have some very good reasons for structuring it the way it is, but it might be nice to be introduced to someone else. Also, some of the sentences are quite long. Have you calculated the ‘Fog Index’. Just a couple of thoughts, and, as I am unpublished, you can take them with a large pinch of salt. Feel free to get your own back. (Shelved for the considerable potential the MS has started to develop) Rheagan Greene – Unwelcome Reflections
PS I think there’s a minor typo in Chapter 5 (para 1 line 3) communication(s)?

Dania wrote 1066 days ago

My my my, there is much more to this book than meets the pitch surfing authonoeye. Great topic, great way of exploring it and great voice.
I don't read much in this genre and like everybody else, I'm just an amateur, but this feels just right. For another book I may have suggested a little nudge to speed up things and maybe some more dialogue, especially with Dog, but here it all seems to work.
For Authonomy's purposes, I would suggest changing the short pitch and maybe the cover. For a while I thought this was a fantasy book and since it's not my forte I never read further. Having said that, in the real world, it would be organized differently so I don't think people would make the same mistake.
"Run down but serviceable marriage", hehe.
Glad to give it a turn on my shelf.

InternetG33k wrote 1066 days ago

Hi James!

I'm here for my 15 minute read. Before I say anything else, I want to tell you how much I enjoyed your concept for this story - had I just been browsing through books at a store, I would've definitely taken this one off the shelf for further inspection.

That being said, I'm afraid I belong to the, "too much talk, not enough action" minority. While I enjoyed reading about the growing up and now adult Charles, and finding out about him through his daily life, I felt a bit impatient to get to the part where he interacted with Dog. I know you told us a bit about his encounters, but I wanted to eavesdrop on their conversations. I wanted to be drawn into his obviously rich fantasy life. It might happen in the story down the road, but I'm not sure I'd stick around long enough to find out, wonderful POV notwithstanding.

However, as I said, I would certainly find myself bringing this home from the bookstore, so welcome to my shelf!

~Traci

Paolito wrote 1067 days ago

This is a beautiful book. I say this despite the fact that you and I probably disagree completely about the role that religion plays in our current society and the role that logic and reason should play. However, I would never advocate a society such as the one you have imagined and about which you have written so well.

The writing is impeccable; even the rhythm of your sentences is mesmerizing.

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding your novel because I've only read the first two chapters. It may be that the kind of society you envision is closer to my perfect society than I think. I shall have to read the entire novel to find out how far apart we stand...and I will when this is published.

Bravo!

Sheryl (comment on mine? Backing optional)

Paolito wrote 1067 days ago

reaction to c.1....

Normally, I would say that there's too much exposition at the front end of your story, but somehow this particular exposition is very compelling.

I'm reading on...

StirlingEditor wrote 1067 days ago

"remarkable in itself in an imaginary friend" Recommend omitting "in itself" as it is clear without it and the repetition of "in" reads awkwardly.

"in their development into" Again the repetition of "in" jarrs a bit here. Consider changing "into" to "toward."

"ages, forms and developmental states." Unless you are diametrically opposed to the oxford comma, I'd recommend inserting a comma after forms.

"of the same or of a different gender" Recommend omitting "of a" here.

"Well, it wasn't so much Dog that was the first thing..." This sentence ran too long for my eye. Can you break it up for brevity and stronger emphasis?

"(admittedly intermittently)" This read awkwardly for me as I'm not a fan of adverbs and it also rhymes.

I love your beginning and opening lines to this first chapter. They frame the story problem with two stark and deceptively simple statements. However, I think several paragraphs in there got loaded down with a great deal of psychology, which slowed the pace for me. Can these be shortened? Perhaps moved elsewhere? Just a thought.

Dang it, I've got to get rolling but I read on a bit into Chapter Two, which actually hooked me more because it jumped right into story-- particularly some fine character description. Is it horrible of me to recommend pulling the first and last paragraphs of chapter One into this one and pairing down or eliminating the paragraphs dealing with the psychology behind imaginary friends??

Bear in mind that I'm an impatient reader, love to dive into story and not get bogged down in detail, so take my comments in that context, or chuck 'em off a bridge if that suits you better! =)

Best of success to you,
~Cheri

Alan Devey wrote 1067 days ago

Hi Jimmy,

This is a terrific portrayal of an average life in a subtly-drawn future dystopia, where just beneath the facade of normality lurks all kinds of problems, waiting to bring Charles crashing out of his daily pretence and mediocrities. I feel echoes of Winston Smith in 1984, but it's not so obvious as to be derivative. You have your own writing style which very much chimes with the type of prose I enjoy reading.

The only slightly negative note I would make is not about the novel so much as Authonomy - split your chapters into more sub-chapter style sections for the screen. that makes it easier to read and you'll suck people in much more. Section 2 for example, could easily be divided five-fold.

Al
The Spirit of Nagasaki

P.S. Shelved by the way.

Rudolf Pantz wrote 1068 days ago

I've had a read of the first two chapters at present., a though our styles are different there is a great deal of similarity with my own work: the descent into insanity.

Some great lines, such as ; 'At the office, Charles would admit to himself that he was little more than a seat-filler'.

And I love the phrase 'ménage -à multitude'.


Will return for more once I've done a few more 'early reads'.

Regards Rudolf.

lynn clayton wrote 1068 days ago

James, this is a brilliantly -written book, and, unfortunately, in danger of being true. Good on yer! Backed.
Lynn

Evernight wrote 1069 days ago

Ah the complexities of non physical charecters interacting with the real. (reminds me of my own problems in my book). But despite the complexeties such an idea faces, this is truly a brilliantand well written book.
Suprises and intreague wait on every page, while we connect to Charles in ways different to other tales.
Still reading, but this definatly deserves a place on my shelf :)
-Nathaniel O'Sullivan (The Seer Stone)

Isabelle Adams wrote 1070 days ago

Very descriptive and we spend a lot of time in the main character's dead- which, given the subject, is a very good thing. The dialogue is less than in most books, but it works. Sorry, I'm not very good at giving crit on things I find brilliant, and it would take me forever to find something to crit in here.

Phil Rowan wrote 1071 days ago

Chasing The Sun is an impressive read, James. I love the way you start with Charles Wentworth as a very ordinary/average guy with a 'run down but serviceable marriage' to Anne - a great phrase, which fits well. You then take us in a most believable way through his interactions with Dog. OK, there's ominous stuff in the background, but you just take us through Charles' whole experience effortlessly. There was another sentence when Anne suddenly realised that Charles was 'quite, quite mad' that captured her feelings effectively. This is a fine story, which I hope you get taken up by - in the first instance - by a good agent. Best of luck and backed with pleasure - Phil (Weimar Vibes)

nsllee wrote 1071 days ago

Hullo James

Some feedback on chapter 1:

I do like this idea. I think you go on a bit too long about children and their imaginary friends to begin with, but once it focuses in on Charles and Dog again, it comes alive. The force of the last sentence is a little blunted, if you've read the pitch, but otherwise, it's a great zinger for the end of chapter 1.

The prose is fine, very relaxed, confident and conversational.

I'm going to keep on reading and will be back soon with more comments.

Nicole

S Richard Betterton wrote 1072 days ago

James,
This is excellent writing and an intriguing story. A more detailed comment in your messages.
(I'd forgotten I couldn't paste into here.)
Cheers,
Simon

JohnRL1029 wrote 1072 days ago

Wow. Haha. This is an intriguing premise and quite comical. A 42-year-old man with an imaginary friend named Dog. I love how you end the first chapter with that line. WL.

Sylvia wrote 1073 days ago

This feels like a giant of a novel, Jimmy, layer upon layer of story, subject upon subject - Sci-Fi, philosophy, mental health, sociology, morality, etc. narrated by someone who comes across as a powerful personality. In chapter 1, he's like an analyst, though his scope broadens as that of the story does.

Dialogue, when it happens in chapter 2, is almost magical, as surprising as Charles' voices. But Chasing The Sun becomes much more captivating (for me) in chapter 3 when we focus in at the interpersonal level.

The writing is excellent and original: 'ludicrously thin Mohican'. 'he unceremoniously ladled onto the table'. 'while Time is the Great Healer it is also the Great Eradicator'. 'a kind of mental timeshare'. 'brick by coldly calculated brick'. 'put the head that was no longer entirely his own into his hands'. 'ménage-a-multitude'. -crept outside the kennel of time he'd been allotted'. 'rose leviathan-like from the chair'. 'Can't teach an old Dog new tricks'.

There are occasional quaint touches to this future society, e.g. the wife not working, and I couldn't help but recall the old film, Harvey, though that was much more whimsical than this. I'm not the best person to judge such literary work (as you will see if you look at mine) but I am impressed with Chasing The Sun and will help it on its way by backing it.

Possible tweaks: 'I mean I know it's considered' (missing "). I would consider smaller chapters, as this isn't a long novel, but the long chapters tend to give that impression, at least when reading from screen.

Valentina wrote 1073 days ago

Hi!

Loving the first chapter...I really like your narrative, it is like a storyteller telling me a story, i like to feel involved in a book, and that is what this beginning does.

I like your use of 'there were two things that made Charles Wentworth unusual...' to begin and end the first chapter. This compells the reader on.

I love the description of imaginary friends too, it has an almost humorous edge, and is interesting.

I think this is individual and will interest many, in addition it isincredibly well written so I am popping it on my shelf.

All the best luck with it,
Valentina x

Fred Le Grand wrote 1073 days ago

Hi,
I read 2 chapters.
it is very well written although in terms of style some would suggest you are talking to the readers all the time.
Some books on writing would crticise that but it is a ploy many authors use in this type of book.
I'm not qualified to comment upon the story, having only read two chapters, although I can imagine that ealy schizophenia would present in this way. I do know that few schiophenics find their voices either pleasant or constructive in what they say.
I did enjoy reading this however, despite the carping above.
I have shelved it too because it is a fluent coherent read.
Best,
Fred

PATRICK BARRETT wrote 1073 days ago

Very impressive, some books just have to be read and this is one of them. Everything is intriguing and hints of mysteries to come. On my shelf Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Giulietta Maria wrote 1073 days ago

Hi,
I love the first chapter. A bit of psychology, humour, and even poetry (describing what an imaginary friend can be like). I wonder if you want to give away Charles' age in the long description? I could see you making the description of the book more compelling... Charles has a myriad of imaginary friends, an unusual menagerie that leads him into psychiatric care... that sort of thing, you wouldn't have to give away that he's an adult, and then the last line of chapter 1 would be more of a punch.

Just an idea! I'll back this, a strong idea, and good, clear writing.

Alecia Stone wrote 1074 days ago

Hi James,

The pitch is intriguing and it will certainly persuade anyone to read the book.

Great opening; it pulled me right in and made me want to find out more about Charles and Dog. Charles feels very real and it’s good to have readers connect with characters. The story, for me, really took off in Chapter 2, though I did like Chapter 1, it just seemed a lot of information.

The writing is ace. Great sentence structure; the pace is a little slow but it didn’t stop me from loving the book. What I’ve read so far has been captivating and refreshing.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Stephen G Thompson wrote 1075 days ago

Just read the first chapter.

This is a marvellous concept, and so far very well written.

I will certainly read the rest in time.

Meanwhile, it's going on my shelf on the strength of the first chapter alone!

God Bless -
Stephen

GeekMaiella wrote 1077 days ago

Chapter 2

-"...ludicrous thin Mohican..." I love this whole line.
-Second paragraph, the colon isn't really needed, or appropriate.
-"...moved into or out of:..." You're separating two complete sentences with a colon again. Not what it's for. (ok, no more about typos)
-Love the tenets of, ahem, faith. A kind of second renaissance.
I stopped at the following paragraph.

I can't recall a time before where good writing was killed by repetitive typos, but this is it. It's weird, because I've never been a stickler... yet the mistakes are too prolific. Maybe it's because everything else in your prose is SO good, that I'm annoyed you allowed something so trivial to infect your manuscript. This is a great idea, an interesting setting, an involving story line, but your ms is a prom queen on a first date with spinach in her teeth.
This *deserves* a comprehensive copyedit!

I realize what I'm saying is harsh. Even so, I'm rooting for this, and I'd love to see it again once it's cleaned up.

-GM

GeekMaiella wrote 1077 days ago

Hi, James.

I'm looking forward to this, as I dig your premise.

Chapter 1

Great rolling info. Interesting and kept me going. The entire time, though, I was wondering, What's the second thing? I see at the end of the chapter why you set it up this way, but look at the very first sentence. You have a statement, colon, partial list. That list begs for completion.
What if your first sentence stood alone as its own paragraph? Something like, "There were two things that made Charles unusual." Or, "Charles was perfectly ordinary, except for two things." Then, break the rest off into following paragraphs. In that set up, I wouldn't be so distracted, and I could focus more on your great story.

On to Chapter 2

John Harold McCoy wrote 1077 days ago

Hi James.
I am very glad you came along. Seeing that your book has a decent ranking, maybe some of us are beginning to realize there doesn't have to be an explosion or sex scene in the first paragraph for a book to be good. Reading the first few thousand words, I found myself muttering 'where's the hook, where's the action, too much backstory, and all the other typical authonomiteisms that have been drilled into my head since I've been here. Hearing the words in my head, while liking what I was reading, reminded me that before I came to this site, I used to enjoy reading a well written, compelling story - period. Looking down at the other comments, I see that I'm not alone. I'm not going to go into comments on the book. I'm backing it for the lesson it's brought to this site.

Georgia Gunn wrote 1078 days ago

Probably the most delicate balancing act you've pulled off here is keeping the long stretch of gray so engaging before the dangerous, energizing jolt of black-and-white when Charles reacts on a gut level to Jim's infidelity. The graceful, omniscient style is a little old-fashioned and, to me, quite compelling and well suited to giving the broad overview that a big-issues social commentary story requires. Charles's ordinariness makes his one psychological quirk (or whatever it is) all the more frightening (in terms of his future well-being) -- of course he's onto something, and something vital, but because he's so ordinary in most respects, he is terribly naive -- as the narrator alludes to with typical understatedness. No, people who come out with manifestoes on morality aren't usually headed for a benign fate, particularly not in an overcontrolled "utopian" society. Really thoughtful, enjoyable stuff!

CaroA wrote 1078 days ago

Hi,
This is not a book I would immediately be drawn to in a bookshop. Once I started reading it I was drawn into it. The unusual set up of the imaginary freinds still in the life of a 42year old is great. Part of me wanted something to happen but at the same time was fascinated by the mundane life your main character lead.
Good luck with it.
Caro

Pat Black wrote 1078 days ago

Hi there, have had a look at your first couple of chapters; excellent character (or perhaps that should be "characters") study. I found the opening chapter a little dry, but I thought that this was deliberately so - as if Charles and Dog were a case study. The second chapter bursts into life though, and I really liked the descriptions - "receding chin" made me laugh, I think I've got one of those! And it ends with an examination of a solid social taboo: talking to oneself. Great stuff

P

LittleDevil wrote 1079 days ago

Jimmy you are an accomplished writer, you do not need my comments. The only thing you need to know is that I enjoyed it.
Best wishes for ED
Sue

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