Time Spheres: Out of Time

Dear E M Dillon

I think this is a rollicking ride of a read. Your opening paragraph is genius, as is most of the first chapter, to be honest. And then you continue to suck us in to your world. Your imagery is very clear and your ideas are exciting and fresh. As for the footnotes - they are extremely funny. A stark contrast to your tone in the body of the novel, but I think it works. I'm on chapter 6 and will keep reading...

posiejkp

OK, I've only read 2 chapters and I think it's fantastic. I only read children's fiction and if I'd picked this up from my local library, I'd be more than happy.
I love the pace this runs at, we're already in with the action at the end of Chapter 2 but it's been nice and steady and we already know the twins' homelife and to some extent, their school life. I love the descriptive bit about Derek the Bully's homelife and of course, this is how many bully's are made unfortunately. I also love the "finally got a sunny day" line, which rings so true when you're thinking summer holidays! There is only one thing that I would like to change and that is the reference to "heavy metal". Being a bit of a "rock chick" myself we would prefer to be known as "rockers" - heavy metal is a bit 70's perhaps and as you're writing for new millenium kids, "rockers" / "hard rock" may go down better? I don't know. No matter, it doesn't take away from the fact that I think this is a fantastic first 2 chapters and I hope it carrys on in the same way. I will be back to read more when my children allow me the time!!!

PS Anyone else wish there was a spell check facility on this site? !!!!

Hi
This opening chapter was great! Exactly as it should be. Engaging..great opening hook..well written and an endearing grandfather.Is it for young adult? It would suit or a crossover ...I will add to my bookshelf and read on! Well done .great stuff
Thanks for your time looking at Hoppin!

Rollercoaster of a ride with good old fashioned adventure with characters that shine off the page. This echoes an updated version of all those old style stories where heroes were heroes and villians were villians. Great stuff

I like this so far. I am backing on potential. You have a few mispelled words here and there, but that is easily fixed. Good luck!

Kathryn Roberts
FATE

ARISE, AUTHONOMY GHOST!

Ease those weary, withered limbs from your coffin. Push away the stone from the mouth of the tomb.

You have one last task to perform. One last, sacred shelf to confer.

Whether you were plugger, spammer, gusher or troll, whether you flirted or fought in the forum or beavered away in the shadows, now is the time for your resurrection.

One last time. Marshall your strength, muster the last vestiges of your power and carry out your final Authonomy act:

Back my book, MIRROR IN THE SKY.

Then, only then, you may rest easy in your Authonomy grave.

Nick Poole2 (formerly known as NickP)

Hello to everyone who has commented in the last year or so.

I must offer you my apologies because I stopped logging on to Authonomy about a year ago. I have updated my manuscript a few times since then, but the latest version does not appear here.

If you are interested, and you have a Facebook account, you can read the latest version on the E.M. Dillon page on Facebook.

All the best.

E.M. Dillon

A book about time travel - Yes sireeeeeeeeeee! Great pitch and I shall back it. Now... where's my De Lorean?

I'm backing this book because I think you are a good story teller, and I would like to see your writing improve.

From what I've read your story is really interesting... much more interesting than the other time travel stories on Autonomy. One thing that I note about your writing style is it reminds me of reading an old text adventure. The technical constructs are good, but it seems to be lacking emotion in the description. She paragraph construction also seems fragmented.

You have a great imagination and a story well written

Hi E.M, I finally got a chance to read you MS... so here are my thoughts.

I like your first paragraph. It brings the reader right in, makes us curious for more!

It's obvious right away that you have polished this MS to a high extent... that is refreshing.

You say-- ..and metal ring in the floor which serves as a docking station for the huse vessel.-- I did a dictionary search for huse... and I don't know what this is. Is this a typo? Huge vessel?

I have to say, this is the first time I have read a MS from the "happening right now" perspective. I am not sure if I am fond of it yet. But I am interested in seeing what is going to happen. That is good.

Whoa! Mysteriously Nice!!! At the end of Chapter 1, I want to read on! You have done a great job with your story here. I have so many valid questions as a reader, ones that you --WANT-- to evoke as a writer. Good job!

I will read more... and give this time on my shelf. Great Job.

hello EM,

This looks interesting. It's actually more difficult to write for children than for adults. I do hope this went a long way up. Shall put it on my watchlist and read at my leisure. Regards

what fun - and what a wonderful setting - I nearly moved to Ludlow years ago.

Dear, Posie.

Thank you for taking the time to read my work and even more for taking the time to comment. I hope TS:OOT continues to entertain you.

Please don't be afraid to suggest improvements though. I do weigh people's suggestions carefully.

All the best.

EMD

Dear E M Dillon

I think this is a rollicking ride of a read. Your opening paragraph is genius, as is most of the first chapter, to be honest. And then you continue to suck us in to your world. Your imagery is very clear and your ideas are exciting and fresh. As for the footnotes - they are extremely funny. A stark contrast to your tone in the body of the novel, but I think it works. I'm on chapter 6 and will keep reading...

posiejkp

Hey Dillon ,

I was reading down halfway when I noticed a few typos. It's really hard to help edit here. So won't it be better if you passed over the MS Word instead? That way we can highlight the parts we enjoyed and help correct anything along the way. Right now, all I can do here is just simply read the book.

Many thanks, Gigi. Considering you are from Shropshire, I'd be grateful if you'd let me know what you think of Chapter One, in particular, which is the only chapter that has any references to modern Shropshire.

I have read the pitch for "A Stitch in Time" and was suitably impressed, so I will be reading that. I continue to be amazed by how many variations on the theme of "kids go time travelling there are"!

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

I've just put this on my watchlist...I'm looking forward to reading it. I love the footnotes...

I'm a Shropshire lass myself...and I'm also writing a children's time-travel novel, so this should be interesting!

Many thanks for taking the time, Lorcan.

Looking forward to hearing what you think of the rest. Please be blunt and honest!

Just read the first chapter and really loved it. It reminds me of a book I read as a kid (the title escapes me) but this is infinitely better. I can't wait to read the end of chapter two, didn't have time to read it fully. For an opening chapter it's really something, I love the grandfather!

CG, many thanks for those thoughts.

I appreciate the fact that you are not trying to tell me how or what to write, only how you feel about what I have written. I value your opinion and the time you have taken to pass it on to me.

I will certainly re-write the prologue in the past tense and see how it reads.

What do other people think of CG's suggestion?

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

EM...the 1st paragraph definitely got my attention. You definitely have hold of a wonderful concept for the story.
I am intuitive in my navigation, more than not...so I can only tell you how I felt in response to the chapter. I am not quite comfortable with what seems to be a present tense omniscient voice. Only the writer can know the right tools for their story, but I understand that both traits (though useful for certain purposes) tend to keep not to be best for engaging the reader, making them feel as an active part of the story.
Again, my editors have told me many times about methods that "are not the right way," but I knew they were an intrinsic necessity for this story to speak....so I did it the way the story wanted, rather than the standard.
So....as an Orson Scott Card 'wise reader' (one who cannot tell the writer what is right, only what the writing made one feel)...I felt uncomfortable with 'voice' of the 1st chapter.
Many blessings and continued inspiration,
CG

The two main characters are aged 12, so I guess it's a crossover between children's and young adults.

Children as young as 9 have read it and loved it, but so have teens as old as 19 and adults as well.

I don't know where it sits, therefore, but those age groups are artificial anyway.

Hi
This opening chapter was great! Exactly as it should be. Engaging..great opening hook..well written and an endearing grandfather.Is it for young adult? It would suit or a crossover ...I will add to my bookshelf and read on! Well done .great stuff
Thanks for your time looking at Hoppin!

Thank you so much for this feedback, Amethyst!

I don't expect you to go to the trouble of pointing out every rough spot, but if you could give me a few examples, it would help me to look out for that kind of thing when I re-read it.

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

The idea is wonderful but the flow is a little stuttered. At places there are some agreement issues or word-choice questions. I would get into the idea of the story but then get snagged by a little glitch that caught my attention and have to pause to get back into the narrative.

I think with a little editing with repetition and general mechanics in mind the greatness of the plot (as so far as I've read) would be really well-served. It's a good story, too curious to be stumbling about beause of minor bumbs.

Thank you for reading hoppin.I deleted accidently so hurried to upload again .thanks for pointing out errors.I will correct. Add you to watchlist and try and read tomorrow.Ilove this type of childrens book!

Thanks for taking the time, Chris.

I take your point about the target age. As the twins are aged twelve, I guess that is the target age, but I see the book as being suitable for children aged ten to fourteen. I am also hoping that adults can enjoy reading it because I would like a child to read it at twelve, put it away and find it in a box ten or twenty years later and still enjoy reading it. I'll have to read it again with the "levelling" in mind.

I have just edited Chapter 1 "A Journey Begins" (which shows up as chapter 2 in authonomy) and stripped out the theme of the parents' arguments as I didn't see it going anywhere. That makes the chapter a bit leaner. Based on your (and others') comments, I have also moved a few of the narrator's footnotes into the body of the text, as I felt they fitted smoothly enough.

I feel the remaining footnotes are important because they often contain the humorous elements and because I see the narrator as a story teller, so in a sense, a character in his own right.

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

Hello!
I've just read the first three chapters. It's great so far and has an interesting hook. The twins are great characters and immediately likeable. This would make a wonderful children's book, but I have a few queries. Firstly, what age are you pitching too? I wonder if some parts may be too complicated, while others are perfect- particularly teaching the twins about DNA with "that's how an oak knows to be an oak" and some of the footnotes. Secondly, are the narrator's interjections, addressing the reader. necessary? I felt that chapter 2 was much more punchy. Perhaps the prologue and chapter 1 could be more clipped? But, then it depends on the age of your readers.

Anyway, this is a good read. I think there is lots of scope for inventiveness. You may be onto a winner in that you are creating a new world for children to inhabit, learn and ponder over.

Peter:

Thanks for your thoughts, particularly about chapter one, which has been through many editions. Your suggestion that parts of it have been overegged is timely, as I was mulling that just today.

I had made two key additions. One is the lady in the green dress. She is staying as she will be a key character.The other is the detail about the family strife. I'm going to strip that out again as I am not now planning to pick it up as a theme.

I hope to have the new, leaner version up by Tuesday morning.

By the way, you'll be pleased to know the line about their irritating the snot out of each other was there in the very first version of this chapter and is staying.

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

The title caught my attention - partly because it's good and eye-catching, but also because I've written a children's book involving mucking about with time but, to judge from the blurb and first two chapters, there's nothing much in common! But this comment isn't supposed to be about me...

I liked the prologue and read the first chapter as well. I'm interested to see how things turn out so will read further but can't sit staring at this screen any longer tonight! I like the flippant, know-all tone very much (and the way it gets an even freer rein in the footnotes) - reminds me a little of early Kate Atkinson (especially Emotionally Weird).

One minor point - sorry if this isn't popular - I think whoever advised you to bung in more narrative might have led you to overegg in places, e.g. second paragraph. But there are so many really great sentences in there (e.g. 'irritated the snot out of each other') that you'd need to be careful with any trimming.

Looking forward to reading more.

Thanks, Ben. I'm looking forward to hearing what your students think.

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

E.M.,

I'm not usually a science fiction type of guy, but your writing style intrigues me. I look forward to reading on!

Ben

I have just realised that the footnotes appear at the end of each chapter. In my manuscript, they appear at the bottom of the relevant page.

No wonder people have commented that they find the footnotes a bit distracting!

Readers are supposed to be able to glance down and see the note at the bottom of the page, not have to skip to the end of the chapter. I hope authonomy fixes this soon.

All the best,

E.M Dillon

Thanks for taking the time to comment, Mary.

The fact that you want to read on is encouraging.

The footnotes don't go down well with everyone, but go down very well with some. I'm sure not every footnote works. I have considered putting them into the main body, but I think they would distract too much if I did. It's hard to judge. I have also thought about making a statement right at the beginning, letting people know the notes are there and that they are nothing more than the mad ramblings of the author and that they are not essential to the story, thus leaving it up to the reader to decide whether to glance down at them or not.

In the end, if I am fortunate enough to get that far, some editor will decide whether or not the footnotes stay.

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

Hi

I like the prologue - just enough information to make everything clear and good, clear descriptiion, but not so much that you switch off. Definitely an attention getter!

I too am unsure about the footnotes etc. It's unexpected - that's all and I think it will appeal to the younger readers. I just wonder if you could put the footnotes within the text, but in italics, so that readers weren't having to jump down to the bottom of the page? Just a thought?

This isn't really my genre, but I must confess that even I want to read on - that says a lot!

Another impressive chapter. It doesn't surprise me to hear that you've already had an agent interested in this story that must be a good sign for the future. Again I think the twins reaction to having come so close to death could do with "fleshing" out a bit more, it would develop their individual characters and give us more of a personal connection with them.

I look forward to chapter 8

Thank you, Toscka.

"Keen to read on"... If you feel that way at the end of every chapter, then I will be more than happy!

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

I am in the himmalayas and yet I feel I am in a 1930s sci fi novel, which is no bad thing. I've only read the first chapter and now have to look after my kids, but no major comments so far. I'm keen to read on.

Gaaah!

That's not the way to spell "bony"!

Tipsiangel:

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my book and for your comments.

My nephew is fifteen, a "heavy metal" fan and already a competent guitarist. He has read the book (he had expected it to be rubbish and only ready it to please me, but afterwards said he loved it) and didn't comment on the "heavy metal" reference, but I'll check with him again.

Interesting comment about the division of chapters. My original thought was to keep the chapters to between seven and ten pages. I considered this a decent chunk to read before going to sleep without being too much. Of course, I don't want that to result in the flow being broken, so I'll read it again through your eyes, so to speak.

I have tried to end each chapter with something that makes the reader want to read on, but at the same time, leaving them satisfied that if they want to stop at that point they can. That's why Chapter Three ends with Callisto pointing out that she is the pilot and not Samudra.

As for fleshing it out here and there, I think my main weakness as a novice writer is that I am too eager to tell the story and sometimes don't take the time to relish the telling, as it were. I have actually written this book twice. I originally finished it in April 2007. Last summer, an agent who was considering it said it needed more narrative, so I spent a lot of time re-reading it, trying to decide where it needed that flesh and I'm sure it still has the odd "boney" part*. I also added the lady in the green dress and other elements. If I decide to re-write the part you mention, I will upload it and let you know.

* Hmmm... I think I may have invented a new slang term for the publishing industry...

"Your book has too many Napoleons," the editor said.
I was confused, never having heard the term before.
"Napoleons?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied taking off his glasses and staring at me with cold, weary eyes, "Napoleons... Boney Parts... Your book needs fleshing out in many places."

Now up to chapter 6 and I really like this story, it has a "warm" feeling to it which makes me want to read on. I only wish it was in book form so I could sit in a more comfortable chair to my computer one!
I do feel it needs a bit of fleshing out in places though, maybe a bit more description of how Robert and Ellie are feeling with regard to the situation they find themselves in, they seem to be just a little bit too accepting. I for example wouldn't feel very confident about sitting on a horse that wasn't really "real" so maybe more apprehension would be good? I also felt paragraph 3 and 4 should be combined as the action doesn't really change and 3 seemed rather short. Unfortunately I have no experience of working with a publisher but from I have read in numerous books, I feel that if a publisher got hold of this, they would soon have you knocking it into successful first book.
I love the humour in it, it's just enough and you also obviously know your history.
I can well imagine how this story can be on going with other volumes - the possibilities are endless and I certainly hope this comes to fruition as I can't imagine having to read all further volumes sitting on this damn computer chair!
I will be back to read more without a doub.

OK, I've only read 2 chapters and I think it's fantastic. I only read children's fiction and if I'd picked this up from my local library, I'd be more than happy.
I love the pace this runs at, we're already in with the action at the end of Chapter 2 but it's been nice and steady and we already know the twins' homelife and to some extent, their school life. I love the descriptive bit about Derek the Bully's homelife and of course, this is how many bully's are made unfortunately. I also love the "finally got a sunny day" line, which rings so true when you're thinking summer holidays! There is only one thing that I would like to change and that is the reference to "heavy metal". Being a bit of a "rock chick" myself we would prefer to be known as "rockers" - heavy metal is a bit 70's perhaps and as you're writing for new millenium kids, "rockers" / "hard rock" may go down better? I don't know. No matter, it doesn't take away from the fact that I think this is a fantastic first 2 chapters and I hope it carrys on in the same way. I will be back to read more when my children allow me the time!!!

PS Anyone else wish there was a spell check facility on this site? !!!!

Okay, you wanted some comments just on Chpt 1 - here is what I think as I read through it (again):

1. As I've said before, great opening paragraph.
2. Last sentence of the 3rd para - something not quite right here, not the grammar or anything objective, but something feels a bit clumsy in the move from them appearing to have no purpose, to having an unspecified one, to being machines. Maybe better to leave them a bit more mysterious until the next para, where someone enters, and it could be from his P.O.V.
3. "throws her a malovent look" - leaps out as being a bit melodramatic to me.
4. Maybe the three 'names' of the spheres should be mentioned in the description, as I found it slightly confusing
5. Nothing wrong with the dialogue as such, but at this stage hard to get a feel for the woman's personality from it

Chapter 1 has been through many revisions in the past year. As a result I am curious to see what people think of the pace and the consistency of the language in that particular chapter.

Let me know if you'd like to see other versions of Chapter 1.

All the best,

E.M. Dillon

Everyone:

These comments are great. I particularly appreciate the ones that force me to question what I have written because I will come out of that either having improved something or being more certain that I am happy with what I have written. Either outcome is good.

I just want you to know I truly value the time you are taking to read my work and write your thoughts.

E.M. Dillon

Debbie:

Thanks for your comments.

The story originally began with Chapter 1, but I later felt it needed a bit more drama right at the start, so I added the prologue. It is supposed to leave the reader wondering, to an extent, how it fits in with the story, but it does introduce one of the key characters and finishes with the key phrase "Someone has stolen a time sphere."

However, since writing the prologue I feel I have strengthened Chapter 1 somewhat with the references to the lady in the green dress and the behaviour of the twins' parents. What's more you're not the only one who didn't feel comfortable with the prologue, although you are in a minority.

The author's asides came about because they are the kind of things I would come out with if I were reading on Jackanory. Most people love them (children and adults), although one parent commented that she found them distracting when trying to read the story to her children. Still, because of the footnotes, another parent described me as the "Eddie Izzard of children's authors", which I took as a double complement. Perhaps I should have some warning that the notes aren't critical to the story.

Many thanks.

E.M. Dillon

Wasn't over-fussed by the prologue/chapter 1 as it's all just a little too odd to make sense at this stage. Would that put kids off? I don't know. Then in chapter 2, I wasn't sure about the omniscient authorial viewpopint but it did grow on me - complete with all the little asides and footnotes that I didn't think would work, but suprisingly did, so I take it all back! And I really liked the idea of putting in urls - that is inspired! What a fabulous way to get kids involved in what they are reading!

So basically I'd have started this story with Ellie & Robert - maybe Ellie could dream chapter 1? That would work nicely and allow the reader to identify with Robert or Ellie first before the weird bits start happening. As James said, there are a couple of spelling errors/typos that a spellcheck won't pick up. Also I'd get rid of the "Now, young reader" bits as it's old fashioned and kids won't like being thought of as young.

But I enjoyed reading this. I think you have a very unique style that works very well once you get the hang of it!

deb

Rolland:

Thanks for the encouragement. Looking forward to your thoughts.

E.M. Dillon

Kallady (James):

Thanks for commenting.

Spelling mistakes! I'm so embarrassed. There really is no excuse nowadays and I thought I had caught them all. I hope they are just typos rather than actual poor spelling. Anyway, I will root them out.

There are little points here and there that might seem irrelevant but the idea is to pick up on them in later volumes. It's hard, though, to find a balance between intriguing and confusing.

I'll be interested to see where you think the weaknesses are. Thanks again.

E.M. Dillon

James E:

Thanks for the thoughts. I have no experience of working with a publisher, but I assume things like font sizes and whether or where to include footnotes would be discussed with an editor.

I'm not sure whether the URLs work in print. I threw those in for my test audience as they were mostly reading it on line.

Looking forward to further comments.

E.M. Dillon

Hi E M.

Great start, I have read the first four chapters and love the descriptive nature of the piece, I noticed a couple of Spelling errors, maybe watch for that although I know how difficult it can be when we write over a hundred thousand words, trying to find the odd one or two that speel check missed. I got slightly confused at the castle where the twins saw two others dressed like them and then the whole time travel started, but soon got back into the plot.

Love the banter between the children and the way they grasp the whole element of time travel as a super adventure. Nice to see they both believe the concept to be 'Wicked' as they say, yet for totally different reasons I assume. Ellie for the fact that it is an adventure and Robert for the fact that his interest lies in the past and the future.

Can't wait to see how it all turns out, great story, great concept, great writing.

James

Sounds good, indeed. Love the title, book cover, will check it out...