Erinyes

Okay, at first I thought this was gonna be some "Twilight" rip-off. I'm sick to death of vampires since Twilight, but this is brilliant!!! Your writing is hilarious. Each sentence packs a punch. I love how you end the first scene with Andy "referring to his dick." HAHA. I never thought about vampires drinking drug-riddled blood before. Also, I love how you insert the back story on Marion in a short clip that gives us a taste of her late night scavenging, sucking low lifes dry. Great great great writing. SHELVED!!!

Hi Ruth
I shelved this based on chapter 1. I've now read a further 10 or so chapters. Your characterisation is great. Wit, thoughtfulness, social comment, intelligence and satire run well together here. This is a fun read! On my shelf for some time more.
Ian

I really like this! I read two chapters and I was hooked! Kinda reminds me of a younger version of 'Stainless'. I like the pissy attitude angle. The only drawback was I thought the first chapter was a bit long. It should be about the same amount of Chapter Two. I don't think you should have a problem getting this published. You have been watchlisted!

JC
The Obergemau File

This is very clever, it’s the premise I like. The boy band angle. There are load of Vampire tomes on the market and on this site. To my mind it’s the life you’ve embroider around the concept that sets this apart from some of the others I’ve read. Also publishers like to think there is a second or third book in you. This is something you can take forward and serialize.

The only thing that tweeked my mind was your short pitch.

How would immortal life effect a normal guy.....If Andy is a Vampire, that’s far from ‘normal’ that threw me a bit. But maybe that’s more a consequence of my personal view and no reflection on your literary skills.

I enjoyed the read. Best of luck with it. Shelved.



Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley - I hope you enjoy reading it

Ruth, I'm not normally a fan of vampire stories, but this one is certainly different. I love how you describe his normal life - watching TV, eating chips, working at a call centre, nagging missus. Just lovely. And there's a huge amount of humour bubbling away - I loved the evil Big Mac reference, and Metal Dress Girl being a human pharmacy.

A few typos: in your long pitch - working a cellular -> working at a cellular | wrong tact -> wrong tack | its over -> it's. In ch 3, its long distance -> it's. Minor blunders, easily fixed.

This should do really well, I think. Shelved.

Oh, one silly thing - how do you pronounce the title? Is it Erin-yes or Erin-eyes? And what does it mean?

Keefie
Tybalt & Theo

This is a great concept - the commercial potential should definitely get an agent/editor's attention. One of those "I wish I'd thought of that" ideas. And your writing delivers too - great dialogue, snappy prose. You weave background information into the story in a really entertaining manner. I've no editorial suggestions. A brilliant take on the vampire novel. I really liked this - outstanding work... The tags you have suggest there's even more depth to come. I'm putting it on my bookshelf and hope to return when time allows.

Lisel
Isis In Crisis

what a great idea for a story, can't wait to come back for more. you have me hooked

Hi Ruth,
we agreed a read-swap a couple of weeks ago so here I am.
This is a very interesting angle on the whole vampire thing. It reads really well and the characters are interesting and three-dimensional. I do think Andy's entrance into the band comes too easily. Maybe make Phil offer him an audition rather than staright entry into the band. That also gives you a whole new opportunity for comedy/tension/emotion. Anyway, that's just the addition of a chapter somewhere. (Apologies if that happens after chap 3!)
So, in short, Ruth. I enjoyed these 3 chaps! On shelf.
Hope you like Dying to Learn.
Cheers,
Simon
ps. fav line: He is, after all, Canadian. His ways are not our ways. - love it!

I felt that the prose was muscular, with a smooth flow to it. The juxtaposition of a vampire with a boy band seemed like a new idea, which isn't easy to come by in the land of the vampire story. I felt that settings and characters were described economically, and in such a way as to give the reader a solid visual image. The prose emphasized showing, and avoided info dumps. The dialog felt natural.

Andy starts off with the goal of being famous via participating in a boy band. In pursuing his goal, he suffers the loss of his long-time girlfriend Marion. However, despite these strong elements, I felt that the plot was light in terms of ongoing struggle. Andy is basically handed a spot in a band free of charge. He isn't forced to work for years, learning to play an instrument or sing. He doesn't join up with various two-bit bar bands along the way. And when he finds himself in a soon-to-be-famous band, the manager hooks him up with a steady supply of blood, no questions asked, thus robbing the ongoing story of one possible source of conflict and tension. As a result, it all felt a bit too easy.

Even Marion's concerns regarding vampires being exposed to the public didn't seem to add up to much. Her response is to abandon Andy, rather than, say, report him to the vampire high council, who might threaten him with permanent extinction. Thus, Marion's departure didn't feel like an obstacle to Andy's goal so much as a price paid for obtaining that goal, and it seemed like a singular event, rather than part of a sequence of events where the stakes ratchet up at every step.

While enemy vampires do show up in chapter 22, and the scenes that followed served well as a climactic battle sequence, that again felt like more of a point event, rather than something the preceding chapters were gradually building up to through warnings, near-miss attacks, etc.

I felt that quite a few scenes were lacking in significant conflict. Andy's inability to feed in chapter 7 does introduce conflict, but that problem dissipates more or less on its own before very long and never seems to be more than a minor inconvenience to him. Meanwhile, much of the 2007 material revolves around Andy's growing attraction to Cassandra, which feels more like subplot to me, rather than plot. Similarly, the band coverage from 1997 and 1998, and the biographical interludes from Andy's earlier years, all seemed to be light in terms of resistance, conflict, or ongoing tension.

Details

> By that, I am referring to my dick.

I felt that sentence could be left off. The reference seemed obvious enough from the previous sentence, and this felt too heavy-handed.

Ruth,
This is witty, fast and fun. Easily worth backing.
Best,
Mark

Hi Ruth,

This is a different take on the vampire tale. A self conscious vampire? Brilliant! Loved the humour. The narrative voice sounded authentic and the character truly came alive. That was a close call for Phil. I loved your vivid descriptions; they painted a great picture of the setting and the characters. The end of chap one is funny: I squeaked like a little girl and hung up.

Great characterisation and dialogue in chaps 2 and 3. This is a fascinating story.

Very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Oh, no! Not another vampire novel....but this one is different. I love the social commentary and the setting details, and even though I'm "mature," I love boy bands (it's the dancing, of course.) Your MC is funny, and very human.

Only one nit: too many adverbs (editors and agents dislike them.)

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (please comment on mine when you have time...backing optional)

This is SUCH a breath of fresh air into the vampire genre! I found it so funny, the prose SO polished and the characters so charming. You have wonderful descriptive passages, a distinctive style and the uniqueness of the story is quite engaging, I have never read any vampire story like this one and I have read almost all of them since Bram Stoker changed my life :) I love the weird mix of aspects going on hehe, it was just such an enjoyable read and I wish you the very best with this. I would buy this - no doubt about it. Backed with pleasure.

great read, ruth. on my shelf.

You are quite the writer, my dear. I am so not a vampire person, but this was well done. You create a vampiric world that is less trite, as they often are, and more sexy hardcore. Again, well done and shelved.

I think I agree with another commentator about the opening quotations, especially the definition of a boy band from Wikipedia and particularly because I really liked this in the author’s own words words in preference:

“At 9.34 pm on September the 23rd, I was dead hungry.”

Brilliant. Simple but effective. I would elevate this to my opening line!

And this is fabulous:

“Somewhat convinced that I had become a hideous, overweight monster from my careless feeding over the last few decades, I was not quite keen on visiting a site where everyone was likely to look more beautiful than I did. On the other hand, where else was I supposed to go in the hopes of looking for a low calorie dinner?”

An overweight vampire! And try this:

“Vampires can taste, even eat food,... Don’t ask me where the food goes – nothing on the inside works the way a human body is supposed to do, or at least, almost nothing.... I should note, of course, that everything on the outside works just fine, thank you very much. By that, I am referring to my dick.”

And a vampire with attitude:

“I tried to be mean to him. I really did. I barely responded to anything he was saying and even yawned a few times. But the guy just would not leave me alone. Worse, he really started to piss me off as the evening wore on. I decided at last that I had no choice; I was going to have to kill him. Not eat him; just a quick twist of his head in the right angle ought to do the trick.”

But Phil is to change Andy’s life forever!!!

““Would you like to be in a boy band?” he blurted out...”

There is a refreshing humour to this take on the usual vampire theme. Add to this the desire to be a pop star and I think this will have enormous appeal to its target audience. On my shelf.

Hello there, have read the first couple of segments of your first chapter - a brilliant voice very well rendered. A brilliant irony in that this is a vampire who wants to snack on thin people's blood as a means of keeping his weight down! And a showstopper of a final line in part one - "By that, I mean my dick." Followed swiftly with, "it was the eighties, nobody was gorgeous". Vampire novels are not in short supply, but I really liked the direction you took with this, and the character was excellent.

Cheers

P

Hey Ruth,
I've read your first two paragraphs. I have a doctor's appointment to catch, but before I'd go I wanted you to know that I am shelving this without second thoughts (probably would've done that based on the pitch itself ;) ) This fit PERFECTLY with my latest obsession with boy bands ever since seeing the mv for Super Junior's "Sorry Sorry." I love it! And I can't wait to read more.

Shelved.
Mariel (Cakewalk into Purgatory)

Ruth this story was brilliantlly put together. Your style is strong and your characters develop wonderfully. Your story also flows together really well. Happy to shelve this one for a little while at least.
Andi
Chronicles of the Knights of the code.

Hi Ruth,

I'm not going to insult you by mentioning the Smeyers books, because you and I know they have done more harm to the genre than any other vampire books. If I had five pounds for every time that book has been mentioned in my comments I wouldn't need to be published!

But enough - I love your premise, it's so fresh and engaging. The vamp girlfriend in yellow gloves, nagging, made me hoot with laughter. Nice descriptive passages, great characters - really nice work.
I'm assuming you're a Buffy fan - remember the quote from Spike about feeding from a flower child at Woodstock? '. . . fed off a flower child and watched my hand move for five hours.' Hilarious - love your take on feeding from a drug addict:)

Ignore cries to make this YA, I think the timeline of 1997 negates that and most YA readers wouldn't understand the pop culture references to the era.

My only (very slight) criticism would be to cut the first chapter into two chapters as it's really long. There are several places where you could stop with a nice hook.

Very best of luck - I'm sure you'll do really well.


Berni
Fledgling

Okay, at first I thought this was gonna be some "Twilight" rip-off. I'm sick to death of vampires since Twilight, but this is brilliant!!! Your writing is hilarious. Each sentence packs a punch. I love how you end the first scene with Andy "referring to his dick." HAHA. I never thought about vampires drinking drug-riddled blood before. Also, I love how you insert the back story on Marion in a short clip that gives us a taste of her late night scavenging, sucking low lifes dry. Great great great writing. SHELVED!!!

Hi Ruth.
I'm seeing an awful lot of quotes opening books. This is my personal take -- quotes just make my eyes glaze over. I want to get to YOUR story, not hear what some theory is.
I'd just mention Harry Potter once. Again, let's see your story.
I was surprised to find that the MC was a straight man. Given the references to weight, the "lovely" art deco bar, the modeling sensibility, the boy bands. Any thoughts to turning the MC into a femme? Or a gay man?
Funny idea: putting himself at risk because of the fame of celebrity in a boy band.
You have a nice facility for dialogue and interweaving action/character.
Avenging girlfriend with yellow rubber cleaning gloves – funny!
Nice ending to the chapter, leaving the idea hanging. Shelved.

Hi Ruth, this is great stuff with some wonderful understated humour. A different take on the vampire thing, utterly believable too. The prose is pretty polished, I only made two notes as I read:
'fangs...no longer retracted into its fleshy confines...' should be into *their* fleshy confines.
'for someone who appeared as young and innocent as she did...' most of this passage is in the present tense so it should be *who appears* and *as she does*.

I've shelved this, Ruth, as I hope to return and read more.
Cas.
(KING'S ENVOY)

Hi Ruth

I like your "re-imagining" of Lestat and what a real pop-star vampire would be like - this is a fresh take on what can otherwise be a very stale and predictable genre.

My only quibble is that the narrator's voice sounds a touch feminine in the opening paragraphs - all the talk of dieting, Vogue magazine, heroin-chic and cellulite made me think "teenage girl" - but then it's a long time since I was a teenager, so I don't know what it was like growing up in the 90s! I realise that the blurb makes it clear the protagonist is male, but I was truly startled by the "I'm a straight guy" line. At the very least I would suggest mentioning a more macho magazine than Vogue! :)

Apart from that minor complaint, I'm backing this one for the fun premise!

One thing you do very well is get inside the head of your character. His personality seeps through throughout your piece, which has a light, comic tone. Vampires worried about weight - that's new and funny. You've created an insecure Vampire, who seems immature despite his 120 years. If I were to change anything early on, I'd say that he should know where his food goes (maybe I missed something). It might be quite funny if the problem with eating food is it comes out the other end exactly like it was when eating it and then you have those time consuming moments of cleaning. I also didn't like how you bluntly said "dick". Not that I'm a prude or anything, I just think a 120 year old would be a little more subtle and say, "I mean when it comes to pleasing the ladies..." or something.

Any way, this is entertaining. I worried that the plot would be similar to The Vampire Lestat, but this (and I apologize if this isn't what you were going for) seems to be more of a parody of that book in the way Scary Movie is of that genre. Enjoyed it, so I'll shelf it.

Fun opening…a vampire waxing nostalgic about 1997! And the idea that fast-food tainted blood had made him fat, that’s original…and amusing. The narrator’s light, witty tone is refreshing, considering that he’s undead.

>I’m putting together right now.” he said in a rush
Maybe…
>I’m putting together right now,” he said in a rush
The same with…
>“I love you.” I said against her hair.

You’re clever enough to hint at the inspiration(s) behind Phil without treading into lawsuit territory.

Marion is an immediately likeable character; the chemistry between her and Andy allows for some rich dialogue, and makes him think about the offer.

This is well written and timely--not because of boy bands, but because so many vampire novels, movies, etc. are so hot right now. And if a vampire can dance and sing, all the better.

Ruth,
Notes on Erinyes:
I hope no offense but my first thoughts after reading the synopsis were "is this fan fict after reading AR?" it sounds familiar, but then I haven't read many vampire novels... I like v movies though so maybe that's it...Queen of the Damned I'm possibly recalling (terrible movie) sorry...very unhelpful probably please forgive.
fun to see a wikipedia quote used...feels so modern...while commenting on boy bands feels dated...interesting.
And mentioning the Lost Highway...good!
I'm enjoying your setting descriptions.
funny that hang up squeak ending.
A somewhat frivolous vampire who recognizes the quality of boy bands but is still interested... this could make for an interesting book heh.
What fun! Best of luck Ruth!
-=Bradley

Hi Ruth, gotta agree with your assessment of 1997 - Cool Britannia - eww! And coming hot on the heels of years that gave us Nevermind, Suede's Dogmanstar, Radiohead's The Bends , and the Sensation exhibition.

This book rocks.

Ruth
Awesome 4some! You have a distinctive voice and style. I like it. Chapter 1 is chatty and engaging.
Thanks for Maenads - had to Google it and now I know. Great.
Shelved and looking forward to the 4play (groan).
Very good luck with this.
Chris (I dare You)

Going into this I was expecting something at least in similar pattern to all vampire genre, but you wrote a very nice new and creative twist. This really to me was a relaxing and enjoyable read. Before I knew it I was into it and immersed.

I judge a book (in order to shelve it) on two things. Did it capture me and did it keep my interest. Your shelved.

Your grammer is very good.

My book needs an editor and have one working on that now, but basic story is here to check out. Marco Cota Predator Down.

Hi Ruth
I shelved this based on chapter 1. I've now read a further 10 or so chapters. Your characterisation is great. Wit, thoughtfulness, social comment, intelligence and satire run well together here. This is a fun read! On my shelf for some time more.
Ian

I really like this! I read two chapters and I was hooked! Kinda reminds me of a younger version of 'Stainless'. I like the pissy attitude angle. The only drawback was I thought the first chapter was a bit long. It should be about the same amount of Chapter Two. I don't think you should have a problem getting this published. You have been watchlisted!

JC
The Obergemau File

hello Ruth
I read through the first chapter and will keep this on my WL so I can come back and read some more. As others have said, quite a different take on the vampire tale.
Regards and best wishes for it.

A vampire that diets and has a working Dick. Even relishes the modern world. very nice.

A vampire on a diet to acheive 'heroin chic.'... What book can fail after a premise like that? It must be very difficult to stand out amongst the other vampire books but the 'vein' of wit running through this will make the difference. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Ruth, this is so funny! Shelved while I read.
Agneta

Hi Ruth!

A hilarious, origional and as far as i know unique version of Vampires! I love the creation of a pop star Vamp, i mean you have created so many funny aspects that join the two, i never could have thought of these. Like putting on weight and the vampire diet of blood -- genius!

Definately backing this, good luck!

Valentina xx

Ruth -

I'm through your first four chapters.

I have to say, once again this is a unique take on the vampire legend, this time with a vampire craving fame. Granted, it has been done before (look at the comic series "Vamps," whose second mini-series involved a girl vampire landing a movie role), but when it's been done before the vampire does not even get a sniff of the fame he craves, whereas Andy appears to have lived in the harsh limelight at least long enough to be recognized ten years later. I'm curious to see what your version of a vampire is like, since Andy already seems unusual (he seems impervious to sunlight and judging by his narration is able to be photographed).

Andy's characterization in 1997 and 2007 is well done, as is the flashback 12-year-old Andy of 1888, where it looks like we have a glimpse coming of how Andy came to be a vampire. You've also taken the time to weigh in on little mundane things that typical vampire stories forget about (i.e. personal fortunes, relationships, the effects of chemical addict blood, etc.). I applaud you for this.

Thus far there does not seem to be much in the way of suggestions for improvement I can make. You've got a very strong start here, and I'm more than willing to place you on my shelf.

Don A. Martinez
(The Advance Guard)

Bless you, you have made vampires that Do Not Suck Ass. I've been back and forth to read through this a few times and I think it's quite adorable but have very few constructive comments on it. I think I'd have to read the entire book to have a better sense of structure and organisation and be able to talk about that.

Like everyone else I am suffering from Twilight/Anne Rice/Laurel K Hamilton fatigue and it's an absolute pleasure to read vampires that aren't, well... dull as pants.

Well, Ruth,
I was skeptical at first. Writing an original vampire story is a challenge. But I think you've done it here. Putting Andy in a Boy band is a novel idea and to think, he almost messed it up by doing in Phil before he knew the whole story. My only concern: 3 epigraphs at the beginning of chapter 1 is a bit much. Other than that....
You write well, and you have a fresh take on the vampire angle I hope this does well for you. I really like the premise. On my shelf.
Jeff

Hi Ruth.

Sorry I've been a while. Work, you know!

Completely lovable read. Shades of Buffy, good touches of humour, descriptive, intriguing. I love the suggestion that vampires actually defy the common perception of them in eating and drinking things other than human blood. This somehow reveals a human side of them, makes them more believable.

A vampire in a boy band? Bizzarre and wonderful. You're on my shelf, Ruth.

Best wishes.

Michael Ashley Torrington. Author, 'Kristin.'

This is devine dawling, perfectly devine - shelved

I have no comment beyond that you seem to have invented a whole new sub-genre -well done!

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

An entertaining read, although doesn't Lestat join a band in the Interview series? I know not exactly a boy band but similar nonetheless!

Your concept reminds me a little bit of a book or two by Scott Westerfeld
I know you’re trying to set the scene, but the run-down of what things were like in ’97 slowed the plot down a little for me. But you pick it up toward the middle so this doesn’t seem too major to me.
*snort I like ‘piss poor temper’
Love the dialogue and the inner monologue banter you have going on.
Love the humor you infuse in your book, it kept me laughing :)
Norma
(The Essence)

Hi Ruth

An good editor will know in the first paragraph whether a book is worth reading. I knew in the first paragraph that this was going to be great, and you haven't disappointed me so far.

This is beautifully written and captures the vanity of the era, the insecurities of the 'beautiful people' and their lust for fame. Andy's 'voice' is compelling and authentic and I love the touches of humour!

I'm looking forward to reading the whole novel. In the meantime, I'm going to shuffle my shelf and find you a well-deserved space.

Best wishes
Amery

This is very funny and very 'hip', as the Americans say. It's funny how vampire novels seem to be getting lighter and lighter in tone. Very little about garlic and stakes through the heart and red-satin lined cloaks and living in a coffin during daylight hours and being desperate to rip Van Helsing's throat out. Being a vampire's become something we'd all rather like, if it wasn't for that tedious business of having to live for ever and get fresh supplies of blood. It's a bit like being Sid Vicious, except not quite that dead. Anyway, yours is a super novel with a super premise, and it's backed up by a kind of thoughtful erudition. Well done. Bookshelved.

Absolutely crazy. Only a talented writer could pull it off and you have. Shelved.
Paul S

Hmm, lost comments when system went down, trying to reproduce from memory.

Chapter 1...

Vampires made me groan, but at least you have a different take. Boy bands and particularly the idea that the "eating" can affect a vampire's sobriety and weight. I think you could play this up a bit more, have him struggling to fit those ridiculous clothes that boy bands wore (maybe you do this later?), staying clean because he gets addicted and so on.

The writing reads smoothly enough, but it slows a bit when you introduce the info-dump about (your version of) vampires. It's a bit hard to digest. Perhaps you can prune it right back, or introduce the relevant facts as needed more smoothly in the text?

Whether this is sufficiently different from the plethora of vampire stuff flooding the market (or whether this fad will be gone by the time this came to the market) I'm not sure, but it's good enough for my revolving shelf.

Regards,

TomW

"...before Tom Cruise became the suave jackass that he is now, he was a stuttering moron."

Bwahahahahaha :D

On mah shelf! What an enjoyable read. Just finished chapter 1 and reading chapter 2 now. Flows well, I chuckled that the undead still have image crises, but I went off in a spell, wondering do vamps have anuses when I read the food magically dissolves...Anyhoo, back on track, I love that his vanity saved the talent agency guy, hehehe. Can't wait to see what happens with the band.

Emma x

Ruth,

What a fun read! An insane premise and an engaging hand at storytelling make this delightful. I really enjoyed Andy's thoughts.

"your's" should be "yours" -- no apostrophe. Other than that it was a clean read.

On my shelf,

ML

Hi Ruth,
What an interesting concept, I was drawn in. I think Andy is a really strong character, he appeals to me and I feel I want to see how his story unfolds. You create the atmosphere of the late 1990's very well and I can't help but feel that Andy is going to turn out to be something of a good guy in the end, somehow. You write well, this is a fun read and it flows smoothly, IMO. There is so much going on here, I can't see how this won't succeed as I feel there is plenty to keep the reader hooked. It's a vampire story with a bit of a difference. On my rotating shelf spot.
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Dear Ruth,


I saw your plug on Forum and came to have a look.

Chuckling at ‘absurdist’ in your tags. Sounds like me. I send my daughter absurd e-mails and she gives me hell complaining about them. Writes to my wife asking, how’s your crazy husband? Tee-hee. Lots of fun teasing her.

I am very curious to know where erinyes comes from. There is a writer of lyrical work on Authonomy who calls himself Erin Yes.

No problem with your pitch or your synopsis. They are the proper summaries HC editors are asking for. Many writers here get them wrong and turn them I into blurbs. Yours are dead right.

69,000 words is substantial I’m impressed. A lot of stuff here is not much more than 10,000.

Singapore? Been there a few times by bus and train. Stayed in the red-light district. Couldn’t afford anything more. Sailed around Sing twice, going and coming back from Borneo. Also anchored between JB and Sing. Stayed up the whole night coming into S across the shipping channel. A nightmare. Anchored opposite Changi and slept the whole day.

Reading now and chuckling at your imagination. I couldn’t possibly write like this, besides I come from another era.

I have finished reading your first chapter and have placed Erinyes on my bookshelf.

The genre is not what I normally read so I concentrated on writing flaws. Nothing jarred me. I might have preferred more character-driven story-telling and a bit less narrative but you will know better than I what is currently selling in the stores.

Better to listen to critiques from your peers.

Glad to have you on my shelf.

Go well with your writing.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree