A Shadow In A Shady Country

Hi, I had a read of the first part, I'm not such a fan of 1st person stuff, though. And lots of paragraphing collected together beginning the same,I did stg, A stg did stg. Other than that, I liked it, rated, put on watchlist :-) DJC

Well, Dragon, you have sucked me into your first chapter and I am hooked. I have seen life trickle from the eyes of so many people, that your hospital scene registers beautifully (if that is an appropriate word for what is ensuing). I am being called to eat supper, but will return and digest your next few chapters. Chippewa (Episodes)

So Dane, do you just sit tight and wait for plaudits, listen for the applause, thinking you're the billy bollocks; or do you ever respond to the lowly people who have nothing better to do than review your novel? Can't see too many replies to your growing mountain of ego massaging comments. Not attractive mate.

A great opening, original and compelling. Will come back for more.

A Shadow in a Shady Country.
by The Dragon.

The first chapter is a must for the reader to read on...Sad, gripping and the need to know more.
I felt I was there, at the hospital watching as Dane, lost his fight for life.
An incredible read.
Excellent description throughout the book makes it a very good read.
The ‘after-life’ element of the story is heightened by the earthly conflicts usually allotted to the living...unique content in that respect.
I’ve never read anything remotely similar...nice one!
I like your writing style and enjoyed your book immensely.
Highly star-rated. Well done!!

Kind regards,

Neville. The Secrets of the Forest - The Time Zone.

Hi Dane. Well, shiver me timbers, that's different. A shadow in a Shady Country is well written and thought provoking. Just read three chapters and look forward to continuing.
I have thrown you up on my book shelf and will return later when I've read more. I have recently downloaded Reasonable Force and if you'd like to give it a bash I'd appreciate it. Seems to have started slowly on this site despite a good amount of independent praise beforehand. Gushing tributes would be welcome but any feedback will do! Good luck, we need it in this industry. Cheers, Sully.

This is great, you have such an imagination, its just great to read.
Well done.
all the best

Alison

This is very good.
How do you manage to imagine to such wonderful detail something that is so terrible. Normally to describe something so well you need to have experienced it!!
A great story line, and such a sad event described so beautifully.
One sentence gave me some trouble. With the fishing hooks, '...before eomone else turns them around...' Maybe it's just me, but '...turns them round...' just feels better, like they are being twisted rather than turning around and coming back out again. Do you see what I mean? It's only a very small point anyway.

Regards
Warrick

I hate you! Why should somone Dutch - I assume you're Dutch - be so brilliant at English that it puts the rest of us to shame? Terrific story, I read a lot more than I usually do, even of things I like, and I wish you lots of luck. I don't back incomplete - I've been disappointed by limp endings before now - but let me know if you ever have the whole book uploaded. six stars...

A Shadow In A Shady Country

Short pitch: technically, and I don’t want to split hairs over a pitch, but shouldn’t it be an ‘afterlife’ that begins? Otherwise great pitch.

Long pitch: It’s OK, though it does wander a bit. I should see if you can tighten it up a little.

Main text: That first section is very good. I felt gripped by it; as good a description of what one can imagine happening only too well, sadly. I admit though to being thrown by the next bit, the time shift. I just didn’t realise it for a little while and had to check back –always a bad sign because it means an interruption for the reader. I would have another look at that if I were you.

Ok I read on and found more of the same excellent prose, convincing dialogue and extremely well imagined and described scenes. Very well put together.

I am really drawn to your book. What a great synopsis. I like how its read from his voice right away. It's such an original idea as well. I put it on my watchlist and I'm gonna read more as soon as I can!

And hey, if you'd want to check out another fiction, you could look at my book "War of the Wastelands" if you aren't too busy. I'd appreciate any comments you might have.

Sara

Hi,
As a "newbie" to authonomy attempting to find authors writing for same age group, I came across your book. After reading the first chapter, I am intriqued and have placed this book on my watchlist. I like your flow and am curious to see where this story goes. Georgia (ESCAPE--like your piece, a fiction, fantasy for children/young adults ages 10-14.)

love the way you write
just makes me want to keep reading

Hi there, I arrived here through the top talent spotters list, additionally encouraged by your profile description. I’ve read 7 chapters and so here goes.

Firstly and perhaps most importantly, my enjoyment of your story did not start at a particularly high level, but it did increase as I read on, to reach quite a peak with chapter 6 and 7. Now, the two main reasons for my finding it so-so at first are these: the fact that the book’s meant for a younger reader and the amount of spots on your writing in these beginning chapters. By spots I mean awkward phrasing, some repetitions, and lack of surprise effect, something to seduce the reader with.

To give some examples:

I found the phrase ‘Ignoring Mode’ to be very artificial and unsuitable in the context. I might venture a guess that your IT background came to surface in this case.

You use the word ‘holler’ at one point – it feels off in the context of a family bike riding lesson. ‘Cry’ seems a better choice.

‘Settle in’ is repeated after an interval short enough for anyone to notice (I generally don’t point out chapter-spanning repetitions; here it’s just two paragraphs).

To sum up, I believe there’s a lot to improve and correct in the initial chapters. The granny being the queen twist also didn’t work for me, but that might be because I’m not in your intended age bracket. On the whole, I felt thrown into your beyond-world a tad too deep, especially in chapter 7. The slaves, for one, were rather confusing. Whenever something like that happens to me while reading, I give the story the benefit of the doubt and read on to find more clues. Still, consider measuring out the in-depth information with more care.

Then again, I felt more could have been said about the umbilical cord. Pardon me if I missed something, but I felt that the MC’s urge to get rid of it was poorly justified. Does he feel it tugging at him, for instance? Does he find it disgusting?

It really does get entertaining after chapter 5, though. I found de Monte Rouge a very likeable, intriguing character and I was very fond of the library imagery and the description of the door. It made me think that you ought to have more of it here and there – although of course that’s one of the first opportunities for fantasy description as far as the plot goes.

The conflict that we get a sketch of in chapters 6 and 7 (and earlier) seems promising; it definitely has potential. If you smooth out the preceding imperfections and manage to engage the reader within the first three chapters rather than only later on, you’ll have quite a star. The story took off slow for me, but left me hooked.

I read the first 3 chapters of your book, A Shadow In a Shady Country, and I found the subject matter interesting. Also, I think the last section of your third chapter is a very good hook that makes me want to find out what happens next.

It may be just me and I'm by no means an expert in this, but I would shorten the beginning a bit. It seems that most intersting stuff doesn't begin to unfold until chapter 3. I'd condense the first 2 chapters into one and end it with when Dane sees the man who can hear him and then maintain the narrative in a similar pace.

Yet again - it's your story and you have the license to tell it any way you want. Hope this helps.

Powerful stuff. There were very few things that gave me pause--
** the phrases "can tell", "can't tell", "could tell", occur too often in proximity at the beginning of the chapter, vary your word choices.
**would a dying teen describe a cat as being in "distress"? Would he be more likely to say something else, like "cats fighting in the alley" or "our neighbor's demon cat" or whatever?
**when a doctor, specialists even moreso, enter a room and circumstance such as this, they have developed an intimate knowledge of their patient and the family, the doc would not greet the parents as "ma'am" & "sir". Use first names here.
** the (crackling) sound of my skull... seems awkward, did you mean "cracking"?

Incredible description of morphine effects. My favorite section is the memory of reading-- potent stuff!

6 stars!

Great concept. It grabbed me from the beginning with the emotion of a sick child and the loss the parents would endure. The pain description was good to start with but I felt it went on a little long. I like the pace of the story. It could do with an edit by a professonal as there are some simple typos and some sentences could be improved, but overall it has great potential. The introduction of the other ghosts led me to wonder what was going on. I enjoyed what I read.

Only planned to read a chapter but ended up reading quite a few as it really drew me in. I think some YA readers might find the emotions of the first few chapters a bit heavy, especially if they are hoping for something fast pace and exciting as the subsequent chapter are although the emotional content is very descriptive and sensitively written. Love the bit about the words attacking. Also, found the 'brought back to life' a bit confusing (it's probably just me!) so might want to reinforce the explanation by finding another way to repeat it later on (perhaps you have done this and I haven't read that far)

I liked your short pitch and your long pitch.

I like how your story begins.

Perhaps in the beginning you mean "squeaking" rather than "squealing"

I like the details like the Basam Fir perfume and the memories it inspires. I am right there with the character when I read this and can smell it too.

This is really captivating and sad. I am drawn in by your characters and by the emotions here immediately. I can feel the pain in his head.

Wow. The bit about the words attacking him is so vivid and well written.

Chapter 2 -

What is a hauberk?

Here too I feel the emotions of the main character as though they were my own. This is honestly excellent. Very impressed.

I literally got chills up a down my spine a few times while reading this.

This is not the type of story I would normally pick up but I found myself completely enthralled. You are a gifted writer and storyteller and I was completely drawn into your world

Backed and starred.

- Rena (Bunderful) author of Master of the Miracles

Hi Dane,

I am not going to nit pick. I found this really difficult to read and I loved it. You deal with a very painful and difficult subject matter in an imaginative way. It reminded me a little of The Lovely Bones but suited to a younger audience.

I am a teacher and it is so difficult to find books that deal with issues like this in a way that does not patronise but will hook young readers in. I think you achieve the right balance.

I will read more when I have time as I want to know what happens next.

Tracey

Hi Dane,
I know you said you don't swap first chpts., but I read yours anyway; that's all I have time for today; sorry . I am looking forward to reading the rest; I want to find out how old this young man is, and how his family adjusts. I don't know if this is a true story, but it sure could be. I, myself, died once so I can totally relate, though I didn't have an out of body experience as they put me in a drug induced coma, but I can see how my children may have felt from the way you have described this family's pain. Great job!

If you have time, maybe you could read my book, Words God Gave Me. It's a true story about myself, intertwined with poetry. I would appreciate some constructive criticism.

I am putting your book on my watch list. Be Blessed!

Monica Pride

Dane: I'm sorry abt. puttung my earlier comments in the wrong section. Unlike you, I'm easily confused navigating the site. I'm primitive in this regard. I hope this is the right section. If not, please advise. I want to do the right thing. I can't figure out the difference between the 2 sections. Anyway, chapter 2:
Your greatest asset is your all-imprtant ability to express the raw feelings of the characters. This is drawn very very well. I say this is crucial because the more I can feel them, the more empathy I have. This, in turn, increases my desire to discover what will happen to these people I care for.
Some grammatical and syntax stuff:
1. "...I say good humored." Rather," I say with good humor," or "I say in a humorful way (manner.).
2. "What I can't tell." You need a comma here or the meaning is completely different than what you are aiming for. Should read, "What, I can't tell.
3. I think better is, 'the only emotion I feel..."
4. "My parents, however, are an entirely different story." This is kind of reititious. You said a moment earlier that dad never refused a hug from me. I'm not sure abt. this, but.....
5. I was confused when the boy kicks out toward dad. You seem to be calling the kick, a punch - as we know they are different. Anyway, I had to re-read those lines to seek clarity.
6.".... a three year old - he must be me." I'm not a reader of the young adult genre, so I could be off here. To me, it was painfully obvious (and I mean painfully in the positive sense that I truly felt his pain) that we are talking about the protaganist. I don't think "he must be me" is worthy. But, again these are young folks, and maybe things need to be spelled out very cleary.
6. "Ignoring Mode" why capital letters?
That's it for now. And thanks again for your comments. Welcome to my bookshelf. Be well.
Bob

A Shadow in a Shady Country is filled with emotion in the first two chapters. A roller-caster of a ride, fast paced and well researched. Two loving parents watch and wait as their child slips into a frightening abyss where only he can go. A tear-filled first few chapters that pulls on the heart-strings and causes the reader to sit up and think. We are immediately immersed in this character, realising his frustrations and seeing what he sees. Remarkable insight has made this book what it is. It will definitely be one of the big five sooner than later. W/l for further reading (still reading) and will be backed. Claire ~ Chasing Pharaohs.

Your pitch grabbed my attention and I am shocked this isn't on more book shelves. The first chapter explains what most would never know until their time came. It's one of the worst and most precious moments in life. You have captured this moment perfectly and I am giving you high stars.

I hope you will check out my book Hearts and Lies if you have a chance, but it is not expected. I really enjoyed your first chapter and I will be back to read more.

Jennie Lyne Hiott
Hearts and Lies

I've read the first three chapters and am adding it to my watchlist. It has a strong start, the pace is good for a YA novel, and the drama has impact. How old is your character? He has a very mature voice, which can work, but he has to be relatable. I hope as I continue to read he becomes more fleshed out.

I hope you can check out my young adult novel called The Emblem of Eternity. It was inspired by the E.O Green School shooting.

Cheers,
Raziel

Hello Dragon,
I thought your writing was very vivid and was written with great detail. I am not sure it is something I prefer to read however that did not cloud my judgement that it was well written. I read the first four chapters I think in the proper frame of mind I would have read more. I was not looking for puncuation since that is not my greatest strength to make comments on but as far as creating an image in my mind and being able to see the characters and the scenes as you described, that I thought you did very well. Good luck and thank you for sharing your stories.
Ksmmike

I read your first three chapters.

General comments: A touching, tragic start. A sympathetic main character. Good use of deep point of view. Vivid descriptions that bring your scenes to life. Good tension. Smooth pacing.

Specific comments on the first chapter:
1) 'The echo of my Dad's voice sounds fragile ... ' 'Dad's' should be lowercase. When a kinship term is modified (usually with a possessive pronoun), it becomes a common noun and is lowercase. There is another case of this type of problem.
2) "With the tumor sitting too deep to be able to remove it completely ... " his voice falters like ... Capitalize 'his.'
3) "I love you, daddy," I want to tell him. Capitalize 'daddy.' When a kinship term is used as a name, it becomes a proper noun and is capitalized. There is another case of this type of problem.

Specific comment on the second chapter:
1) "No, of course not, you dummy." I say, good humored. Comma after 'dummy.' 'I say' is a dialogue tag (tells who said something). When a dialogue tag follows dialogue, the last sentence of dialogue is punctuated with a comma (unless it's a question or exclamation).

Specific comments on the third chapter:
1) "In that case we 'ave to wat an' see whots going to 'appen, wont we boss?" Comma after 'we.' When you address someone in dialogue, offset their name or title with a comma.
2) "Yes sir." Comma after 'yes' for the reason given above.
3) An excellent end of chapter hook. Who wouldn't turn the page after reading that line?

I hope these comments help you further polish your all important opening chapters. These are just my opinions. Use what works for you and discard the rest.

Would you please take a look at "Savannah Oak" and let me know what you think of it?

Have a fabulous day.

Al

This really hit me hard, It dredged up all kinds of emotion I wasn't ready for. I lost a great friend to A brain tumor, lymphoma I believe, in the the end he was blind and bald from the chemo/radiation. This is well written. I can't bear to read on at the moment, but from the pitch it doesn't seem like the whole thing is going to be sad. So, when I'm in a better state I'll come back for more.

Best
Bill
HAKTAW HEART

I'm sorry, I didn't take to this.
Much of the reason I think is a matter of taste, rather than any real flaws in your writing, although I didn't find your dialogue wholly convincing.
I don't know how you convincingly portray someone's puzzlement at being dead without a certain amount of impatience on the reader's part. We know he's dead of course, but we have to wait for your hero to catch up with us.
Still, you conveyed the sorrow of the opening chapter well and you write fluently.
All the best with this.

Lindsay

This chapter is sad. I hate sad chapters. :) I don't hate your writing it's just that I hate things that make me sad. However, if you can make me that way, then you have done your job. You had written this chapter to make us feel for the characters and that was it. Or at least that's what I got out of it. But I loved that. I guess it's like that love and hate relationship. I can't say much more because I'm just sad and a loss of words. 6 stars.

Dragon,

I read the first two chapters. I had to stop there, as this brings up some personal memories that I'd really rather not be thinking about right now. That said, it's therefore clear that your writing is powerful and moving. There is no overuse of any aspect of writing, so much so that the narrative almost comes across as simple, but to say that would be to imply a criticism I truly do not have.

I think there are a small number of places where some punctuation hiccups have slipped through the editing net, but there are no other aspects of this that I feel I can offer any criticism of. This is very good work, it's just not for me, given where my life is right now.

D M Sharples.

Your opening chapter is powerful stuff & very well written. I can so much imagine a young man dying in front of his parents, while still conscious, that I find it disturbing, as some literature should be. Well done. Perhaps chapter two & 3 should be amalgamated as both chapters relate to the same thing?
Your writing is excellent. There is so little to criticise that to try would be simply to nitpick.
Up to the point in chapter three - “What is this?” Whirling around I see a huge man I haven’t heard enter my room. He has spoken with an impeccable Queen’s English accent as if he is born royalty,…” I was engaged, but after this it was obviously moving into an area that I’m not qualified to comment on as I’ve never been interested in fantasy, SF, the supernatural etc. Although Mark Twain’s ‘Letters from the Earth’ impressed me, but that was a send-up of religion, rather than a story.
This is not a criticism, simply a confession of my own literary limitations. Nonetheless I read on until the end of chapter five & found the writing authentic, logical & grammatical.
Within your own genre I have the impression that you’ve done a good job. I wish you well with this. You’re obviously a real writer, rather than an aspirant.

Your first chapter is haunting. Your description of a brain tumor is eloquent and flows easily. I'm looking forward to reading more from you! I will put you on my watch list and read more when I find some time. I am also looking for some feedback on my book Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket. Any feedback is appreciated! Best of luck to you with your book! I'm already a fan!

Ashley

hello Dragon, I have only just come across your book on here sort of stumbled across it really, but your pitch drew me straight away. I love it. Your writing is clear and precise, with no annoying adjectives or messy adverbs. The characters are believable and easy to make connections with - as is important in YA fiction. The start of the story is so sad and extremely well written, in that it is not overly gushing with crying and wailing, but has a respectful amount of sorrow for all those concerned.
The memories he experiences in ch 2 are well thought and executed to perfection.
New characters are introduced very cleverly, and even bring in snippets of back story without having an info dump that can slow these stories down (I know - I do it myself sometimes).
The use of present tense is very well done - I tried once but gave up - I found it so hard to distinguish between the now and the back story but you do so very well.
Highly rated and on WL.
Will recomend to others too.

Mae
'Ignited'
YA fantasy

Hello, I read through chapter four and the first three chapters are so sad. Your descriptions of the sights (or lack there of) and smells of the room are really great. The flashbacks or rather when he can see his father's memories add so much to the already powerful, emotional language. They add more depth and the glimpses into Dane's childhood give the reader that much more to hold on to, and to connect with. I didn't really read your pitch (sorry) so I didn't exactly know where this was going. Chapter four is kind of the mop up of emotions and you move into the next part of the story where his life continues after he gave up the ghost, literally. I am going to continue reading and I will back it when I have a space on my shelf. Good luck with it.
-Anna

your clever use of the present tence with the first person makes this book work very well, giving it a sence of reality...
l shall back...
read SEASONS...

Oh my gosh, this is so sad!! You have really been able to make me feel emotion while reading through this first chapter. The writing is good and readable, but gee, the story is so sad... :(
I'll rate you and read on....
Monicque x

I’ve read quite a few afterlife stories on this site now, so it seems to be a popular topic. However, each story gives a different picture of what happens when we die – so who are we to believe?! :-)
I enjoyed reading this. In a couple of places I wondered how compelling the back story of someone having cheated at cards might be to its intended YA audience. I thought the exposition (in Ch.6) of this history slowed the pace down quite a lot. Maybe it would be better to keep Dane in the dark, letting him uncover the mystery himself, piece by piece, rather than being fed it directly. Just a thought.
Anyway, I wish you luck. I spotted a few typos in the 7 chapters I read, so I will send you these separately in a message.

Chapter 1 flowed well and kept my attention, though I wonder whether a person in a coma (or was he not in a coma?) would hear and understand everything that clearly. The one line that felt off to me was 'At no prevail'. Perhaps it should be 'To no avail'?

Chapter 1 flowed well and kept my attention, though I wonder whether a person in a coma (or was he not in a coma?) would hear and understand everything that clearly. The one line that felt off to me was 'At no prevail'. Perhaps it should be 'To no avail'?

Hi, first of all, very nice short pitch, it imediatley catched my attention, secondly, your plot is quite good, i can see you thought it through :) i have w/l it and will read more soon :)

Hello,
I read through the first five chapters of your book and I really enjoyed it. The pace of your story just kept drawing me in to read more. I loved your description in the first chapter of the sound the doors make. Dane's ability to see into his father's head once dead was a nice addition. I liked the irony that the dead must now fear being brought back to life. This really isn't the kind of story that I would normally pick up, but I enjoyed what I read. Good luck with this.

Pieter,
I've never personally experienced death, so I can't vouch for the authenticity of Dane's experience but maybe some of the Authonomy folk have been (dead and rescuscitated). Ergo, I'm monitoring your comment site for such a revelation. With that off my chest, I must say you have an economy of words applied to your narrative and dialogue that carries your story well and give it realism. Thank you so much for the compelling read.

Kenneth Edward Lim
The North Korean

Dragon,
Read six chapters of your story and really enjoyed it. It's a different premise than what i usually read on that subject, but your writing is fantastic and flows well, so totally got absobed int it.
Starred highly and wish you the best.
Maria
Dark of the Moon

Dragon - I was on Authonomy some time ago, then deleted the account while I edited Hing Dai. I've returned and Hing Dai is a better read so if you have time to comment I would be grateful. I've no literary training nor ever published so feel free to deal with my comments on your book as you wish.

This is a very powerful opening Chapter. The depth of detail both from his own thoughts but also additional details, such as the aftershave, really set a fast pace and by the time the doctor is suggesting increasing he morphine is increased, I'm hooked. I've not even sensed a typo or other improvement. The whole read is a deep tug emotionally and I'm heading into Chapter 2 wanting to know more.

Chapter 2 is equally powerful' and a very intense read. I usually want a break but this really flows. The mix between his thoughts, and the rapid awareness he is dead hit the right intellectual questions about klife thereafter. The other characters, particularly his parents work and it is so easy to empathise with them and their loss.

Chapter 3 and no break but Dane's awareness is the sole driver for this story. Each new revelation is small but works, the colours and the ability to see through his eyelids. Behind him the earlthly word looking at the ceiling is almost funny, but there's also a spooky side to this. But the ability to see inside his fathers memories, that is excellent.

Chapter 4 and now we approach the afterlife. It's intriguing, you've raised questions we want Dane to ask, and leave a strong scene with his body drifiting. I'm hooked.

I'd usually send comments with some recommendations - feel free to look at my previous comments. I've nothing major to say. This is a great read and the only reason I've stopped is Authonomy. If I picked this up on holiday I'd read to the end. Best. Steve.

Have to admit I wasn't keen in chapter 3. I wanted to know what was going to happen to Dane next, but you gave me a load of backstory about feuding families. I would personally save this stuff for a bit later on - maybe 'grandma' can tell him it when he finds her. For me the hook is what the afterlife is going to be like for Dane.

Really enjoyed the first two chapters of this, though wasn't keen on how the father's thoughts were written - didn't feel authentic. Nothing startiling new in the approach - but it is excellently written and the voice is compelling. will be reading on.

This is not normally something I would choose to read, but it is written well and flows smoothly. It does have a few editing issues at the beginning of the first chapter, but overall, an interesting story, happy to back.

Wow, The Dragon. I did not expect this, but I really, really like the first chapter. I write this review as a mother of two boys, and as the friend of a brain tumor patient. And as a reader, of course. Your writing drew me right into the story and into this family's emotional turmoil. Very nicely done. Highly rated and watchlisted for now. I will shelve you when I get a chance. I can't wait to move on to Chapter 2.

Great stuff! I love the idea of exploring the afterlife as an alternate world/reality and the lead-in is crisp and intriguing. You've handled the mix of narrative, thoughts and dialogue seamlessly; the whole thing flows very nicely. Backed with pleasure on the strength of the first three chapters and will read more when I have the time.

Robin