Standalone Farm

The premise had me interested, but I have to admit that I found the story difficult to get into. It felt like too much information all at once and in my opinion it had a negative effect on the pace of the story. I still like the ideas behind this one and believe it has potential, just requires an edit (as do we all!). Best wishes

You could do with a little polishing and sweeping out of some of the uneeded words, etc. Apart from this it is a really interesting and good story. I think the only reason it is languishing at half way up the list, are the points I have just made. A little work on one chapter at a time, and who knows, shooting up the list like the proverbial rocket, or is is a rat up a drainpipe? I do like the way you write though. Good Luck. Backed.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone Bk.3. And, Muddledydo.

I am impressed by the idea behind this book. Your prose is simple, creepy sometimes and though a bit uninteresting in little places, it kept me reading. The font gives the impression of a typed manuscript. :) ... I think there's still more work to be done, if its going to be a top science fiction. and for that you need a good editor, hence i am voting for you. you definitely have the potential.

Wishes,
Efadul Huq

Standalone Farm...

It's been a long time since I've read a novel which uses Author Intrusive and normally I don't like that POV, but here it works marvellously. You have created an opening scene which is gripping. The next two chapters don't disappoint either (only had time to read a partial.)

Characterizations are great, dialogue is snappy and real. No complaints re: your story or premise.

I do agree about editing before you get to the Editor's Desk (Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King is my Bible; I re-read it from time to time) so that the editor will look at your story and your actual writing and won't be distracted by typos or too many adverbs, etc.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Hi Paul,
I apologize for the serious delay. I read this awhile back but I had so many edits on it that I haven't had time to type them up until now. Your opening chapter is arresting. You've an unusual voice and style, and while a story like this is not the first I'd pick up in the bookstore, you had me reading on so I could find out what happens next. I loved your dialogue, the creepy atmosphere, and the opening setup with the husband and wife arguing.

I didn't look at what genre you picked for this before reading so I am wondering what type of story this is. It feels a bit like a Stephen King horror but it could be something else altogether.

I think the main issue I see is that Standalone Farm needs a detailed copyedit. Without one, it will be easier for an agent or editor to pass this project by in favor of a novel that needs less prep work. As I've been reading over and over again on agent blogs and such, our manuscripts have to be as close to perfection as we can make them, so we give them less reason to reject outright. I'll put my edits in your message feed.

Best of success to you on Standalone Farm,

~Cheri

Hi, saw this on someone's shelf and thought I would take a look. I don't usually read this genre but I thought the premise was appealing, and I actually took to it. I like your writing style, liked the descriptions, especially things like the door closing as if by an invisible hand. Lots of intrigue. Happy to back this and good luck

Hi Paul,

Intriguing premise. The writing is very tight.

The characters and dialogue are convincing; I loved the tension between Callie and Mike. The hook at the end of chap 1 is great; it makes you want to read on. You create vivid descriptions and the pacing is wonderful and flows naturally.

My opinion:

“Ha! If that were true we wouldn’t be lost now?” The question mark seems unnecessary.

Great thriller. Watch out for the adverbs (I’m working through that myself).

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Delightfully creepy and mysterious. A great and enjoyable read. Shelved.

This is a great book. It's hard not to be drawn in. Lots of interesting characters. Wonderful writing and pace.

Best of luck with this book.

Shelved.

Brenna

This is a very engrossing tale, and through 3 chapters is as good as anything I have read in the genre. I was drawn in right away, and though I'm a fan of unexplained phenomena, I suspect I would have been hooked anyway because of your tension building and descriptive yet succint writing. I also like your handling of background information through flashbacks back and forth into different time periods, character development, and the personification of the imposing piece of furniture. Some cliches are necessary to fulfill the expectations of a genre, so they didn't bother me. Using the name of the reclusive madman in Secret Sharer/Heart of Darkness, Kurtz , was an interesting choice. And of course, the reporter's obssession with writing a book is something all of us aspiring authors can relate to in varying degrees. I had already shelved the book based on Chapter 1 alone, as you are probably aware. I will likely read all of what you have written so far, once I have taken more than a cursory look at the other books I promised to comment on.

Paul, rivetting story.. well-told. perhaps a bit of a cliche at the start.. maybe instead the man does ask for directions but gets the wrong ones.. the closet sounds a touch too much like narnia.. but still suspenseful.. read 5 chapters, want to keep reading more, it draws the reader in. thought it might be a bit too coincidental that he sees the surfer and hears about Mike Steffler in the same day.. however, well-written, tremendous atmosphere, and shocking. Will back this effort.. Evan

Hi Paul, When I saw you only joined the site eight days ago, I was totaly shocked that you were already at #154, thats really amazing, but then I read two chapters and I can see why you have shot up like that. Your book is quite simply brilliant (in my honest opinion).

As always, I started by writing notes as I go so that I don't forget anything I feel is important to tell you, but unfortunately, I became so engrossed in the story that I forgot to make notes after a while.

Here is what I did manage before I lost myself in your creation:

Well, the first paragragh could easily be me and my hubby! Spot on with that.

I laughed out loud when I got to the bit 'wherever we stay tonight you are so not getting sex' but you haven't put 'humour' as one of your tags, so don't know if this was intentional? You do seem to know women well...

'Callie was unaware that she was screaming, but was acutely aware of a bank of trees approaching her with ponderous malice' - great sentence.

I was really starting to get into the story now. Loved the bit where Sara Morse ' had been dead for enough hours to ensure she predeceased the whisper at the door'.

Humour again, even though it appears Callie and Mike are about to crash, you write - 'Men tended to be blase about such things, especially un-pregnant men' And then Mike is concerned about damage to the car!

I didn't make any more notes because I was virtually on the edge of my seat as the story unfolded, and I actually found the story about Mike with his Father and the wardrobe rather unsettling, and bloody scary! I have always been afraid of the dark myself.

I think this is absolutely brilliant. It's intriguing, and I came to care for Callie and Mike straight away, so was concerned about what happened to them. The hooks at the end of the first two chapters were so good that I really wanted to keep reading - and so I will have to come back for more.

I back books on what I would, or wouldn't buy, and this I definitely would buy, thank you for bringing it to my attention Paul, and the very best of luck.

Shelved.

Just read the first the chapter and I am hooked. I have backed this for the second time now and I hope that helps. I am looking forward to reading the rest of the book and seeing how the plot develops. For the moment though, I would like to say it is a great opening. The characters emerge as fully developed people and you start to care about them despite the arguing, which is natural for couples anyway. A great start.

Enjoying this so far! Very well written and suspenseful. The dialogue between Mike and Callie seems genuine - a bit formal, maybe, but then again, I think we Americans tend to speak a bit more casually than the English, so that critique could be way off. :) I am looking forward to reading more...shelving it.

Paul, mysteriously deleted you say. Hmmm. That would certainly go well with the goings on between the covers of 'Standalone Farm'. This is a delight. From the disappearance of Mike's wife and the subsequent five year disconnect between then and where I stopped in chapter five, to the blinding headache Tel experiences on the last day of his life, Standalone Farm is a roller coaster ride of chthonian suspense and page turning excitement. The story line is well done and imaginative. I am anxious to read on. Best Regards Paul, RT

I actually visited a real Standalone Farm this weekend, not as scary as this one though. I've read the first two chapters and I did really enjoy them, especially chapter 2 where you weave mike memories of his past and the wardrobe with his present circumstances. It was gripping and quite terrifying. My only complaint is that you can be quite verbose and over descriptive. A lot of the time it works as it really sets the atmosphere, but sometimes, some judicious pruning could be in order. I think however that this is a rather minor complaint, overall I loved you storey telling style and I really engaged with the creepy world you created.

On my book shelf as I feel this deserves support.

You have a well-conceived story here. I agree with the others that a little more restraint and concision with the narrative would more effectively keep a reader engaged. Otherwise, it has all the ingredients of a good book. Interesting characters. An amusing voice. A plot that grips you tighter the deeper you get.

Nothing clever to say other than it reads well and I enjoyed doing it. If you want mre then you must digest the former comments as I am just a reader who enjoys so doing. It has always been good enough for me i hope you feel the same.
I will shelve this as a measure of that enjoyment.
Rick Gammons
(Touching Bottom

Delete the line “it started with an argument and place paragraph 4 at the top and read it again. Decide that I am full of it and discard.
The bickering was good enough that I wanted the aliens to get them.

I chapter two the father is realistically military. There is a lot of tension and it was a very visual scene. I like the writing

Paul,

Read fhe first two chapters of Standalone Farm. The story seems interesting, but the dialog is a bit stilted and could use some editing. The conversation in the first chapter just seems stiff. Imagine this is a stage play and the actors are delivering the lines .... You might also want to drop the bits where your characters are laughing hysterically - it's reminiscent of a teleprompter telling the audience when to laugh so that they know what's funny. If you have to tell them - it isn't. Also - be cognizant of when to use 'that' and when to use 'which' and when not ot use either.

I'm trying to be constructive and hope you don't take this the wrong way. If you have a chance to look at my work please do so and be honest in your evaluation.

Cheers - TM Robinson

First off, I like the opening line.

I also like very much indeed how you described the process of white-knuckling. Very vivid.

The dialogue made me laugh.

As things progress, this gets more suspenseful.

All this and I've only read Chapter One.

Will be reading more.

Excellent stuff and a well deserved high ranking. Have read up to chapter 5 and looking forward to the rest. Forget your IT career. I think you might have just found your niche…

I think you've got a few too many adverbs, and you'd be better to resist the temptation to hint at what's coming. There's a bit too much narration as well, and it obstructs the flow. Apart from that, this is well written, and a good beginning.

Some great concepts and vivid characters here - the transition between chapters 1 and 2 jolted me nicely, I must say - though the clinical narrative voice after a while gets a bit cumbersome on the reading flow. Generally - and this may purely be personal preference - I'm often quite fond of such narrative voices, but only when said narration is clipped to its barrest essentials. Since you have a lot of information to get across, I'd suggest maybe shaving the pros by, oh, a third, and let it warm up a bit. But aye, fine yarn you're onto here, for certain.

HI Paul, happy to back again. You create powerful images with your words and have crafted a really intriguing story. I'm sure it will scoot right to the top.
Michael (Reaching Through Bravo's Veil)

This novel has a great premise and humorous dialogue, but as others have suggested, it's a bit wordy and needs trimming, especially adjectives and those godawful adverbs. Avoid adverbs like the plague.

the sentence should read : 'A drunken, has-been reporter, Johnny Beams and a brilliant, Varyan diplomat, Chi-Re-Yleon, are the only ...."

you need a comma between adjectives, hyphens to link compound words and you don't need the inverted commas at all.

apologies, i had a sad childhood and cannot help myself.

all the best
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

in chapter six i have the same experience. i'm reading something dry and humorous and then suddenly there are aliens but instead of the narrative voice continuing in the same vein, i'm being given snippets of alien language without so much as a raised eyebrow.

am i alone in finding this a bit confusing? perhaps.

i'm putting it on my shelf because you have a great comic voice with original observation and i like the sci fi plot but i would feel happier if i knew whether it's Hitchhiker's Guide type humour or whether i'm supposed to be anxious. i'd go for the former if i were you because you're so good at it.

hope you like BLOGSPOT when you get there.
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

paul, i loved the opening stuff - the row in the car is sadly so realistic right up until the spin. your tone is so tongue-in-cheek and you use the whole scenario to very good effect. i was just starting to relax and then there's the stuff about amy morse and the dead parent. it doesn't seem to fit in at all with the tone of what we are reading.
once we're back in the minds of callie and mike with the Bates Motel (sorry Standalone Farm) looming, the comic voice returns. so i am confused.
i am going to have a quick look ahead to see if i can get clearer.
m

hello paul, i'm just reading your pitch and hoping you will correct a couple of typos : 'world's', 'a drunken, has-been reporter', you needs commas around the two names too, 'earth's children'.

i know i could just sweep these under the carpet and read the story but if you send this to an agent they won't get past the pitch as it stands. give yourself a chance and tidy this up because it sounds a great idea.

Paul,

Very glad I stumbled upon your sample. The premise here, and your pitch, combine to create a feeling of great anticipation. If your writing's up to scratch (I'll see in a minute or two) this will be a cracker.

Imagery is everything - and through your images, you show us the story. That's really quite talented. ('stretched skin'...that's good writing)

Just a word on repetition: clenched fists / clenched teeth...one after the other could be seen as inadvertent rep. But if you're using it as a motif, it's fine.

You've introduced your characters very nicely here - gentle, in the throes of their everyday lives, a bit of backstory thrown in to help us out. I like it. And I like the way you also introduce us to their attitudes to one another - that reveals so much about character.

have a look at your commas - "'Oh shut the fuck up Mike you dork...'" for example has one or two missing - 'Oh, shut the fuck up, Mike, you dork...' I know it looks cluttered, but it's probably correct.

I like the way this is developing - the weekend's coming up so I'll be back to read more.

I've seen enough to back this, though. Well done and good luck.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

Sorry to hear about your problems - In any case, I'm typing out this comment again: This is quite an enthralling story which skilfully weaves supernatural occurences through the problems of what we call "real life", such as difficult marriages, a father and son relationship, alcoholism and middle-age.

The problems of an out-of-work alcoholic journalist add to the suspense of the story which seems to be leading from all angles through bizarre twists and turns to who-knows-where.

Through time, it appears to transform itself into a story of good an evil.

As it ends with the reporter seemingly being murdered, one is left curious as to what happens next.

I would be glad to read the rest of the book and wish you well with this one.

Wonder where all your comments went? Very bizarre. Backing again!

aww thanks 4 that....i am afraid all is not what it seems with Mike

I have read the first two chapters and i'm really scared. I loved the mixture of the sinister setting and the humorous dialogue in the first chapter. I also liked the way you increased sympathy for Mike with the flashback to his father's treatment of him. Parents aren't doing well in this book so far are they?! I also thought the way you merged the alien encounter from his past into his present situation was good. now at the end of chapter 2 I am worried he may be in an asylum and I'm anxious about Callie - who is very likeable. Read enough to back you.
Elinor

Nice opening chapter - this gives us some great information about the characters we will hopefully come to love, and also ends on a good cliffhanger note to get the reader to read on.
Shelved.
Ed (Mutant Toe)

Sorry to hear that you've had problems with Authonomy losing your book. I backed it before, so I've backed it again. Good luck!

-Jenny-

Dear Paul, I've finished only three chapters, but I've already encountered two stories, which I know will eventually merge into one: you say so in your pitch, and the mention of "green lights" in both stories suggests the same supernatural or extraterrestrial entity or entities. There are also back stories interwoven into the two narratives: the young Mike's encounter with the wardrobe is especially frightening. Not only a lot of storytelling for just three chapters, but all of it is fascinating and compelling.
The problem is, if it is actually a problem, is that without your pitch I wouldn't have realized I was reading a science fiction novel. I would have considered this a horror story, akin to, but better than, the horror movies you refer to. I'm fine with that. But I can imagine readers who might want to meet Varyans before the end of Chapter 3, especially since your first three chapters are quite long.
Which brings me to my major suggestion: divide these chapters into shorter ones and make the writing tighter so the narrative moves more quickly. Chapter 1 is not only too long, but wordy and, as a result, sluggish. Part of the problem, I think, is that you give too much information, even in the dialogue, and the slow motion sequence is well, just that. Chapter 2, though complex because of the interweaving of time frames, is stronger and smoother, though I think it too should be divided and tightened. As for Chapter, Denny's monologue just goes on for too long.
Your writing shows a determination is be clear and precise, but, as I've said, there's unnecessary information. Also, your phrasing is often quite stilted, old-fashioned even, which results in wordiness. In Chapter 1 and 2 especially, the narrator, I realize, is being ironic, and the result is a humorous perspective on the story and characters. But this is at the expense of pace, and a relatively quick forward movement is appropriate and even necessary to horror and science fiction.
Take for example: "What he was concerned about was the inevitable damage to the car and how long a stony silence he would need to maintain after the impact in order to punish his errant better half." And immediately following is an example of both wordiness and unnecessary information: "As far as the pregnancy was concerned, he was blissfully unaware of it. Callie was saving this news for their romantic first night in the idyllic old English Inn ["inn"?] she had discovered, somewhere in a thousand mile radius of then* current location."
Callie surprises Mike a few pages later; why not let the reader be surprised as well? Consider sticking to Mike's point of view throughout, and try writing in a style that resembles, while being slightly better than, Mike's way of speaking. (In Chapter 3, the narrative voice is more appropriate because the point of view is Johnny's and he's a writer, though I wouldn't keep repeating the word "literary" to underscore the point.)
Two minor suggestions: use a comma in direct address—"take the next right [comma] Callie"—and before "then" whenever you use the word between parts of a sentence— "bouncing off the trees [comma] then the road."

Your book appeals to both the intellect and the emotions: a complex, well-though-out story with vivid, unsettling images. And I haven't even met the Varyans yet. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh's Cat

A very enjoyable read. Well written though not quite as engaging as your other book.
Good stuff!
best,
Fred

Standalone Farm, Standalone Farm, so good I backed it twice. Sorry I can't think of anything useful or clever to say this time round except this is a very good read.