Shalimar

why would you put this down? that's all I want to know really.

Chapter 1:

I am just not making sense of your first sentence! I wonder if something happened in a re-write. Or, is it just me? If so, I apologize, but maybe you will want to take a look at it quickly if you get a chance.

Best wishes.
FEL

Interesting plot, and I wish I had time to read more. However, the use of "-" all the time was a bit disconcerting, jumpy almost, and detracted somewhat from the story. Best of luck to you!

This is a return visit to Shalimar, and it even more compelling now. Toscka, in my opinion, has mastered polished literary style in a story that stands up to any popular genre. This book has so much going for it - an idyllic setting, a flawed and unusual protagonist, and an expertly timed plot that keeps the readers turning (or clicking) to find out what happens next. But I admit it is the use of language that satisfies me -- like a fine meal --and makes this one of my favorites on the site. High stars to a book I believe will be published.
Lizzi
(Out of Sync)

You set a good scene and the impending drama is well crafted I think some of this just might be from personal experience as It’s so believably written. They say there’s no such thing as paradise.
Wilma1
Knowing Liam Riley – Please spend a moment to take a look

Toscka,
In Shalimar, you have written a dark tale of what no one would dare put it the brochure. I would want to visit the place from seeing the beautiful cover until I found out what was really going on there. Backed with pleasure.

7/10

Toscka,

Interesting creative plot.
The characters are somewhat unusual, which always appeals to me.
The dialogue is strong and the cultural dynamics add more layers.
The complexity has peaked my interest. I wish I had time to read more.
It is a gripping read!
Backed Previously!
Sammy Sutton
King Solomon's '13'

Dear Toscka
You have a well written book here. I liken it to when sitting in a room with someone and they are telling you a story, it is great. Sometimes one can get to caught up on the grammar and other language diversions, but hey if you like the pudding eat it with gusto. You have crafted some colorful characters here and they are still in my head, mmmm that is what you want , however when I go to sleep tonight they need to go home . Maybe they wont and I will have to carry on reading, either way I will carry on as i am thoroughly enjoying it. all arrows at the present are red and pointing down so I have no idea what is going up or down however, I will carry on reading and comment further on as I would like to get this book of yours backed to assist it on the climb to the top.
Backed for sure my me. ..I would really appreciate it if your would look at my book, COMMENT , and back it. If not that is OK also
The VERY best of luck with your book

Denise
The Letter
oh and you know your long pitch space is for you to promote your book and having this comment at the bottom does not serve you.

Shalimar.

Emotions, plot and characters unfold in lockstep at a smart clip to provide a delightful read.

Thank you.

Backed.

Azam Gill
“Blasphemy!”

I think you have a fascinating story here and I love your voice. After considering the crit on your profile, I wonder if we need just a little more insight into your characters' emotional responses to what is happening around them, more filtering of the story through their senses so that we can more fully identify with them. I found this compelling and extremely readable, and had no desire to put it anywhere but on my shelf.
Joanna Carter
Fossil Farm

Dear Toscka, looking for something to read and found Shalimar. Quite engaging although I have only dipped. The test for me is the opening and its ability to draw me in. Yours did but I increasingly find these short early paragraphs or (not in your case) prologues. they're unnecessary as far as I can see. Get right into. Make the characters drive the action. I'm backing your book. Kind regards, T. L. Bartush - Deepwater, Bleak House Bleak Shed.

SHALIMAR
This is an interesting story. There’s an ominous tone about it from the moment the inspector pulls the bag of narcotics out of the suitcase that then carries into later chapters. Max is a good character; likable and sympathetic because he has such a bad introduction to India. The idea of a beautiful resort with suspicious undertones is intriguing. All together – this is a good read. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Quite an exciting premise, the lure of paradise but with a twist. The characters are well portrayed, Max a bit beaten down and Tom very mysterious. I like the whole references to India, "since when did Indian have rules", the 'tip' for the inspector, which does capture one aspect of the country. There is an underlying feeling of dread throughout and I'm sure as intended. There were some instances where I did get confused, but to me it added to the intrigue and mystery of what was to follow. I liked the hook at the end of chapter 4.
Backed earlier.
Rakhi (Sir William...)

Something else I've noticed is that your narratorial voice is omniscient, which creates distance from the characters (omniscient pov = 'zooming out')
This sits rather uneasily with the copious and vivid sense-impressions that would rightly 'belong' to your characters ('zooming in')
In other words, you're zooming in and zooming out at the same time.
It's disorienting. I think if you want to use the effect, you need to handle it with extreme care.

Ch2
In present tense the confusing sense-impressions (that are also present in your past tense writing in ch6) seem appropriate to the subject matter of the disoriented MC staggering around.
But I would still prefer to read the bulk of this story in a flowing, lucid past tense - perhaps with key sections in present. I think the reason it works well at the start of the novel is because the MC is a bit hazy/confused and so's the writing.
I can't say I'd want the whole novel in that style. It's not entirely pleasant (which is probably the effect you're trying to create and fine for short periods).

Chapter one works well. But I don't like the His.. His... His... [this is the bit where you have three short paragraphs in quick succession right at the end of the chapter]
It's like you're smashing the reader over the head with a mallet. You don't need three short paragraphs to convey your meaning. We get it already!
ditto about the delete!

Ch 6 - very staccatto feel, short, disconnected sentences, many of them ungrammatical to the point where I have to stop to work out the sense. It's tough work.
I imagine you're trying to create a vivid, dramatic feel - slightly impressionistic.
You need to improve the flow. I get the impression your method of editing is to delete words! LOL I think you need to go and put them back in,join your sentence-long paragraphs up etc. You're actually adding emphasis in a lot of places where it really isn't needed - which feels quite baffling. It's an effective technique, but I think you overuse it and sometimes incorrectly too.
The writing is stylish, but some of your techniques (rule-breaking) is more effective in (sometimes very) small doses.
In a lot of places the writing calls far too much attention to itself.
Something else you need to deal with is the proliferation of -ing words used as adjectival clauses. It means that many of your sentences lack a verb - and therefore do not make sense/flow.
Also, you describe the sense world, but not always from the MC's pov 'the swift gasp as the shard drove into his sole' > he gasped as the shard drove into his sole would be better - followed by some physical description of the pain.
message me if you want me to delete this comment.

Backed
Eveleen
(Turning a new leaf)

Hi Toscka, sorry about hte delay in getting back here. Busy. Okay, here's the first thing at Chapter 4 -- about the chapter lengths -- whereas you found mine too long (as though you're not allowed to stop until you come to a break_ I find yours too short. You believe in the feeding bullets of the story, as though there's a shortage of words and ink and ; I like a slow relaxed guided stroll. This I find choppy. Of course that feeling is hardly ameliorated by the length of time it takes to get to the next chapter. Then, I note your completed length. Now I personally won't invest in a novel less than an inch thick -- I like a good long read and want to spend a decent amount of time with my new friends the characters. We differ greatly.

I have to side with one or two of the other comments. I have to keep going back to find out why something is happening, or who said what, or sometimes who is speaking. I can't help feeling in all of this economy of words, much of the story isn't being told. It is hard to just slide into the story and go for a ride. Too much work -- that's it.

And with the brevity of the chapters, it feels like I finally succeed in getting interested and it's time to change.

I kind of like Max, though his self-hatred is a little tedious. I had to read the exchange with him, the German and the two Californian bimbos several times to grasp what had happened -- the German thought Max was poking private fun at the woman ... I think. I'm not sure.

Do I want to know why a silver canister is in the coconuts? Yes. But I wanted to know why Max had been beaten at customs and I'm still waiting. Do I trust you'll go on with it on the next page enough to wait out the changing of the chapters? Tomorrow. I have to get back to some of my paid work. Bye for now. Lynda

SHALIMAR: Do i agree with -"...the characters were difficult to engage with.- there wasn't a clear enough sense of what was going on, and what the narrative was trying to tell us. " - Not completely. I have read many books where the characters are difficult to 'engage with'. It normally means they are nasty bits of humanity who have no saving graces, but there are a few of those around today, and that doesn't mean they are not real.
I do not feel that a novel has to be so precisely writen that the reader has to do no thinking for themselves.
I enjoyed reading this and think it is both dark and challenging, but I love a challenge.
Rev raven

Good evocation of atmosphere,realistic characters, Backed.

Toscka -

So it's dark. So what?

I like it and I'm backing it, dammit.

-Jeff Lee
THE LADIES TEMPERANCE CLUB'S FAREWELL TOUR

Fascinating. I feel sorry for Max, though he does seem a rather dreary fellow, full of woe and wallowing in it. There are phrase here I don't quite get such as gap-year-spawn which I assume is some cultural oddity on your side of the pond. We are left puzzled, as we know he isn't the drug-smuggling type and the Indian police do seem a little quick on the draw (not the impression I had when I spent time there.) But then I wasn't held on suspicion of drug-smuggling either.

Moving on. Captivated. Though I'm tired and want to go to sleep now, I need to read more.

Chapter one -- a prologue. Nice, snappy, short. I see now why you commented on my long first chapter. Yes, we learn of our two character. Tom, a self-centered hedonist and Max -- a boy too earnest for his own good. Yes, I am intrigued. Yes, I find it clever. Moving on.

A somewhat stream-of-consciousness response as I read. And not at all sugar-coated, because I know you don't want that.

Prologue/Auth Ch. 1: I like this. It paints a clear picture while being economical with words. Tom the hedonist; Max the idealist who's overshadowed by a more attractive, confident and self-centred friend. I was ready to feel kindly towards him.

Auth. Chapter 2: I got confused early on. If it's the sort of turbulence that's led to "Fasten seatbelts" and an instruction to return to seats, why is the flight attendant offering hot drinks?

Ugh, waiting around sweat-drenched in a steamy baggage hall - I do feel sorry for him at this point. But he's the "in-flight pariah" - presumably connected with the flight attendant's comment that he'd had enough to drink" - a large, semi-intoxicated man lumbering around the cabin disturbing others on a long flight is not someone easy to like.

Lighting up in a No Smoking area because it's India and he can? This got my hackles up. It had a whiff of post-colonial superiority about it. And then you pulled the rug from under me (in a good way) by showing Max's sympathy for the young boy. Twelve, though? Is that so very young in a Third World country? (In my childhood I knew people who'd started full-time work here in NZ at that age.) It's time enough to have had a full primary education, and working in the airport probably compares well to work on building sites or in some factories. Max is (or at least was) familiar with India; the strength of his reaction ("enough to make you weep") was a little hard for me to accept.

I was surprised that he hadn't locked his suitcase. It felt naive for a well-travelled man. Or had it been locked and broken open? I wasn't quite clear on this.

The end of this chapter is very good. You've broken Max down, made him completely vulnerable and helpless and alone... and then the golden boy enters, the knight on his charger. That made me want to read on.

Ch. 3: Just a stray thought: why "no ox carts anymore"? Some Indian cities do still have them, even some of the high-tech cities.
Ch. 5: typo? "proprietarial" s/be "proprietorial". "I thought I recognised her" is missing its opening quote, as is "She's a village girl".

I read to the end of Chapter 5, and the fact that I stopped there is no reflection on how good this is. The scene-setting is specially well-done, and the atmosphere of menace; of subtle "not-rightness". I like your hints at Max's tragedy and Tom's involvement in it, though I wonder if you could hint at the tragedy a little earlier - it would have made me more sympathetic to him while he was still on the plane.

The story's a bit too unremittingly dark for me, and I stopped reading because I saw no early promise of light among the darkness. But that's personal taste, and I'm probably not in your target market.

I didn't know that this was an erotic book. Be more clear, this isn't universal.

Thoughts on Shalimar as I read (fair crit review):

Tom swings both ways, eh?

What kind of revolution, I wonder.

‘his trousers around his ankles. Max unlocked the toilet…” It sounds like Max leaves the bathroom with his pants still down at his feet. Also, I read a forum post recently about agent pet peeves and one said he doesn’t like when the book starts with bodily functions. Just FYI.

‘He wasn’t handling this very well.” I am a little confused by that sentence. Handling what?

Since you asked about empathy for Max, I’ll point out that he doesn’t win points for letting his cigarette ash fall on the floor, though I do like that he paid the boy who cleaned it up.

‘My butler did.’ – nice sarcasm. J

He fell. He fell on his arse. The first ‘He fell’ is unnecessary.

He hadn’t paid his rent in months? How does he get away with that?

‘half naked and harness free’ – good line, brief but provides an instant visual

“It was a resort…” you use the word ‘it’ four times in this sentence.

Tom had said down the phone. Missing a word here?

It was (as) if it didn’t exist.

Tits/bra- icky visual, you’ve mentioned he’s heavy already so we’ve got that.

You could this one under… this sentence made no sense to me. Missing words?

“Existence stripped to its bare essentials- with a plunge pool, of course.” Well written

Still thinking about Max as a character. My initial impressions are that he is lazy, sarcastic, a heavy drinker who doesn’t care about his health, jaded, sad and pathetic with no family or real friends. It doesn’t give me sympathy for him, though, because you haven’t given me any idea as to why he is that way. He’s just miserable in his existence and we’re along for the ride. To empathize with Max, I need to care about why he is the way he is.

You lost me between him reading the form and the Californians. Is the form a brochure that he’s reading and they’re talking or did he stop reading the form and go outside where he overhears them? I am confused.

Max and Tom obviously know each other well because they are speaking in code, answering each other’s sentences. Unfortunately, I don’t know them well enough to follow what they are talking about.

‘They avoided the subject.’ What subject? I feel like the whole dialogue between Tom and Max was in a foreign language. I have no idea what has transpired (or not).

I read through chapter 5 and have provided my honest reactions as I read. I hope they are helpful to you in your rewrites!

Cyndi

Four chapters in, and if I was in the right mood, looking for absorbing and escapist reading that has a few cultural nods to my world (Holloway kebab shops) and lots of exotic difference from it, I don't really see that I would put this down.
I like the economical writing - this feels ready to be typeset and offset, to me. -- Luk7

I like the short prologue; it gives a frame of reference for Max, to see him young and idealistic before we meet him as a middle-aged man. Getting a kicking gives us another reason to sympathise, even though Max seems a jaded, self-indulgent and impatient wreck. 'Olive branch to the daughterless widower', this is the first real hint of mystery, and of a history between the prologue and now. More of Max, his cynicism warring with the remains of his empathy, 'she couldn't have been more than fourteen'. Despite everything, he is the most natural character around, 'What's your real name, Dick?', 'Did you buy a bangle?' Then, 'blood group A/B', another mystery emerging, along with the silver canister.

'The Empire, it seemed, was striking back', many clever lines. And some very fine descriptions, 'cicadas sawing invisibly at logs', 'wind bells chimed in applause'

This isn't a conventional thriller, as you know; it makes too many demands on the reader, i.e. that they are intelligent and educated. It is much more literary fiction. My eighteen-year-old neighbour wouldn't be able to read it, but a fair few of my friends would find it engrossing. You are clearly an accomplished and creative writer, and it's just a matter of time before the right publisher sees the potential of your novels.

Carl again, I was replying to your message but came back and reread the first four chapters. It's hard to explain but I believe it's just the right amount of mix of dialogue, characterization, suspense and intrigue that makes this work so well. If you notice in my work, I keep each scene short and consistent in their composition. I think this makes it easy reading as the reader doesn't get bogged down in narrative. You have accomplished the same thing here with snippets of observation, introspection and suspense of several things: the girl Suree, the clinic, why he's really there, etc. It just has a great voice overall. Believe me, if I didn't like it I would have put it down quickly and not backed it. I'm going to figure out which author it resembles, I read soooo many books though. Carl

Alright-I really can't see anything wrong with this novel other than I cannot continue the read and see how it ends. Everything is written well. The suspense comes in in nice little steps. I had no problems whatsoever in understanding the characters and their relationships. I think the setting is well set up and described. The "disjointedness", if you will, is exactly the mood you want to portray as it matches with what one would feel, even a seasoned journalist, as you arrive in a foreign country. Especially if you are staying in a spa or rehab or a combo of same. I have probably read as much and as an eclectic assortment of authors as anyone in the world and this book is very publishable. I do think it would fit the thriller, mystery, suspense genres quite well. I am wracking my brain to remember the author's work this most resembles. I can't come up with it right now but would tell you this; there are many bestselling author's book that I would put down ( I do this all the time) to read this one. Even some like Robert Ludlum. They give us a lot of rules to go by when we're starting out in this endeavor as authors and then once you are published, you can break them. Funny business this. Oh well, a rather long winded way to say that I enjoyed your book immensely and wish you would put up the rest. Thanks, Carl-Pole Dancer

Chapter 15. Another good chapter. I can now see why you had the crow take his money. I know it is too late now, but with hindsight, you seem to be using birds quite a lot in your chapters and I don't know if they are of significance, but I think you have missed an opportunity to make more of them earlier on to create intrigue. Even if it is only in Maxes mind. Birds tend to be terratorial and obviously crows are associated with death and foreboding. I have many birds visiting daily, one annoying little bugger comes into my home and cheekily steals my dogs food. His confidence has grown so much, or should I say his disdain for me, we have a battle every day with me trying to stop him. It would have been good to have one of the birds, say a crow, become a character in the book and appear to lead him on. Just a thought.

Pleased Suree is back in the picture and maintaing her intriguing character. The father is interesting and helps point a finger in a subtle way with his dislike of Shah, which has me asking,what the hell is this Shah all about?

Why has the water gone?

Nothing really to crit. Good chapter.

The opening paragraph seems be somewhat disjointed from the paragraph that follows. I get the feeling that it is meant to signify what he is witnessing in the workers entering Shallimar, but if this is the case there needs to be more cohesion between the paragraphs for it to work. As it is, it stands it is like a sore thumb, painfully alone.

I now get the past animousity between Tom and Max, having somehow missed it the first time around, in Tom having something to do with his wife and child leaving him.

There is some damn excellent narrative in this chapter and the first time I have felt a thriller element creep into the story. The tension you build in this chapter is very strong. Again this chapter has the reader asking questions. What are in the boxes brought to shore and passed hand.? I would have to turn the page. Although this was an opportunity to leave a cliffhanger missed. I would have left it at gasped for air.

IMHO, reading your thriller has left me confused. If I were to pigeon hole it. I would say that it was either a character led thriller or a mystery and is slowish paced with regards to action and has hooks rather than cliff hangers. I would also say it was for the more discerning reader rather than the mass market.. I have nothing against that as my 1st book is crafted in the same way.

Looking though the past HC crits on thrillers, including my own. It would appear they are looking for short crisp chapters. A fast pace. Action in almost every chapter with cliff hangers and leaning towards the current vogue of gory detail in killings.??? God help us all if this it what publishers are looking for.

I on the other hand as a reader, aspiring writer and developing author enjoyed the read immensly and would happily follow it to the end for a number of reasons. Of course the story line, characters and plot is one of them, but it is the valuable lesson I am learning from the crafting of your narrative, POV, dialogue etc that has prompted me to read so far despite the features of the Authonomy game that is against our sharing reads and giving meaningful feedback..

Already backed

Declan

I liked the banter between Max an Tom in this chapter, with Max's inquisitiveness and Tom's evasiveness to his question's, culminating in Tom losing his cool as old wounds are brought up. The hook for me here was that Max was beginning to assert himself and asked the question I want answers to, but not getting them. Page turned.

I am noticing more about your style and voice here. Not that is is any different to what I have read in the previous chapters, but because as I was reading events were happening around me and I realised your interuptions of descriptive narrative during conversation is how it happens in real life.

I live in Brazil, which is pretty similar to India in climate and the Haves and Have nots in terms of people. We also have a great diversity of critters, most of which are a damned nuisence. As I was reading i was disatracted by a noise, I looked around and there was a bird in the house stealing my dogs food and a line of ants seemed to have the same idea. As an expat, I am always facinated by the alien species of butterfilies and dragon flies etc that abound and will be often distracted by them when I am in company on the veranda. So spot on.

Giong to the shops for fags. Chapter 14 to follow

This chapter has answered my question about the prologue and your reference to Tom re 'women and boys'.
In this chapter we are left in no doubt that tom is at least bi-sexual. The scene of Max's recall of the squat in Mayfair adds humour to read. I should add at this point that are quite quite a few passages up to now that have a dry humourous tone. I am getting more of a sense of 'cult commune' in this chapter. The characters you have introduced earlier now seem a natural part of the scenery,

In this chapter I am more aware of the inner thoughts of Max. Maybe it's because I didn't pay attention in the other chapters. The short burst of thought are in keeping with how we think. Max comes accross as cynical with a dry sense of humour. His journalistic instincts are kicking in and he is beginning to ask questions. Unfortunately he is asking the questions I asked after reading the previous chapter and so doesn't move the story foreward with any pace. The only mystery in this chapter is the funeral, the sick person near the pool and the statues', but the statues' is not a strong enough thread to be considered of any consequence. The funeral on the other hand has me worrying it may be Suree. That will make me want to read on.

Chapter 11.

This chapter is an excellent lesson in descriptive narrative and puts you right there in the exotic scene. The birds, crabs on the seashore, the waterbuffalo, the flies. The only thing that was missing was to give it total authenticity would be annoying insects, Lizards and maybe a snake. The narrative here doesn't detract from the story line as it is totally from the POV of Max as he escapes Shallimar in search of the mysterious young Indian girl Suree. The village is intriguing, obviously new and one wonders why? what is its purpose?The villagers are sick, again one wonders why? Then they balk at the sight of his money?and intended for the young girl Suree and intedned to appease his guilt at the beating she took when he accused her of stealing his watch. The cut short sentence, Dr Shah...? To put the icing on the cake, they deny any knowledge of Suree?

All these questions I have indicated create mystery and are excellent hooks for me to want to turn the page.

Chapter 12mto follow
Declan

I only read the first two chapters and although it is apparent that you are a gifted writer I felt that the story line was being thrown at me in bursts. Maybe that is your intention!! It did not help me to "get into" the story. Hope my comments help.

Colt

Okay I have read all 10 chapters. Clearly, as you already have an agent you have the necessary skills to capture the attention of the professionals. As a developing author, I don't feel I have the credentials to comment with any authority and can only comment as a reader.

The brief foreworfd/prologue. I could not see the purpose of this other than to make the connection between Tom and Max in their teens. It was so brief that I thought you could manage to get this into the first chaper as part of his thoughts on the flight.

My overall take on the read was that Max and Tom, as childhood friends had gone their own way. The story starts when they meet up again some 40 years later under strange circumstances.

Max is flying out to India, a failed journalist, his life at a low ebb, he is travelling to india to write what he thinks is a travel Brochure for a luxury spa resort and is being paid a ridiculous some of money. He is arrested at customs in possesion of drugs and is bailed out of custody by Tom paying a backhander to a corrupt customs officer. This stretched belief but at this stage I was prepared to go along for the ride. It would seem at this stage that Tom has commisioned him to write the brochure. We are introduced to Shalimar, the spa resort. At this stage I am asking mysel if Tom had worked with customs to compromise Max? In any event I get the feeling for Tom wanting Max at the spa has nothing to do with him writing a brochure. Was it for the drugs he was found with ?? As I read on, Shalimar became more and more intriguing. Mystery and tension is built through the yound Indian girl, the watch, the deserted village the clinic always closed. The freezers with electrified handles. At this stage from a thriller point of view you held my attention with good chapter hooks as opposed to cliffhangers. The character and story development were excellent. I had a problem with the last chapter when he met the Indian woman and turned down her offer of sex. It sort of slowed things down to a full stop for me. I know stories need a love interest but I would prefer it to be gradual and keep the mystery and thrills of the plot on track.

I enjoyed the read and feel you created enough mystery both in the characters and the story for me to want to read on.

The biggest thing that jarred for me was the crow scene. If it had been a small monkey I would have thought it more credible.

Declan

I can see you have a great story here and an interesting character. However, the story line and pace are very abrupt. It doesn't seem to flow naturally. Everything appears in short bursts. This has the effect of confusing the reader and anything that confuses the reader is not good. It's a style tthat some people likeand prefer but I believe the general public would like something a little more'even'. Nevertheless i thiink it deserves backing

Colt
A Time for Living

iv seen worse books published

I don't like either of the MC--Max or Tom YET. I liked Max in the very first chapter--waiting for something wonderful to happen--though I feel sure he is more likely to be let down by life. Tom I don't like at all. Your first chapter I found to be a marvelous hook. The second chapter ends with a great hook. Into the third and I am getting more and more interested in how life has worked out for these boys who had once sat at the seaside and are now men. Nicely done.
Barbara

A lot goes on in the protagonist's mind. I like the way it reads. Backed. Chuck (Paperboy Adventures)

Excellent. Clever and very well-written. It feels professional. I see no reason why it wouldn't do well. Backed! Jared

Toscka,
I read your work carefully. Read the critique you posted on the pitch (shouldn't do that, it clouds judgment) and then I looked at the rank.
Your book rank tells me everything on what is wrong with authonomy. I would buy this in a second. I hope you'll email me the rest of the chapters so I can finish this. It is fantastic. Your MC was tired, apparently, tired of life, and I got this immediately with the edgy writing. The opening was perfect and left me wanting more. Your descriptions didn't bog down the story, and seemed very realistic.
Usually, I have something to complain about but not here. It really is great stuff, written by a pro that I would guess has a number of books already published.

Great read, and already backed.

Paul (www.pauldaytonscifi.com)

We've Seen the Enemy

I found this to be an engaging and interesting premise. I do love seeing people's take on this kind of concept, and you play it out well. Tautening up the action could help to keep a distracted reader's interest, but overall this is a good effort which I appreciated immensely.

Abi xxx

Yes, I am afraid I do agree with much of the "crit". Which is a pity, because there is some good writing here and humour. I worked through the ten chapters, but had to skip what seemed to be largely irrelevant dialogue. No sign of the promised "horror" though and I could not relate the place to real life.
There is a good idea here, but I would have thought that the "resort" needs to be immaculate and beautifully run, but with a hidden agenda and surrounded by poverty and decay..
Anyway, I have given it a good try and perhaps you might return the favour with a look at Adam's Apple.
Leslie Rocker

Great stuff! Needs a wee trim here and there, but otherwise this is looking good!

I like it, will back for now, and continue to read when I get the chance. Will comment when I have read all that is posted. Backed.

I havent put it down, read it all and want more, someone suggested a film - I could see this as a really good film. Have nothing negative to say just hope the rest of the story is as good.

Dear Tosca, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" your book, I will also put your book on my "watchlist." Could you please take a moment to "back" my completed unedited memoir version? "Tell Me True Love Stories," which at the end tells of my illness now & 6th abusive marriage. I'd be ever so grateful. :) Thank you. :) Love, Susie :)
p.s. Remember: Every time you place a book on your bookshelf, your recommendation pushes the book up the rankings. And while that book sits on your bookshelf, your reputation as a talent spotter increases depending on how well that book performs. :)
p.p.s. I backed your other book 16 days ago. :)