Book Jacket

 

rank 2131
word count 175443
date submitted 30.04.2009
date updated 08.02.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Science ...
classification: moderate
incomplete

The Burden of Humanity

Jared Brayshaw

Drafted to fight unknown attackers, Markus must face the true nature of both his allies and enemies while confronting his own morals and human worth.

 

Markus is a sixteen year old who’s lived in Switzerland all his life. However, as an earthquake in Spain brings with it swarms of robotic attackers, he is drafted to defend Europe from the new threat. Caught in the turbulence of war, Markus is forced to re-evaluate his worth as an individual and as a human being, as well try to understand his motivations for fighting. His relationships with others inspire these revelations, and they shape his understanding of morality and humanity as he decides what's truly important in life.

 
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combat, emotions, europe, fiction, future, humanity, metaphysical, relationships, robots, souls, technology, warrior

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Chapter 1: Questions

Markus leaned his head against the window of the train car and watched the trees speed by.  Right now, they reminded him of the place he wanted to be – the same place that he could no longer live.  He let out a frustrated sigh but continued staring outside, seeking some small amount of solace in the familiarity of the environment.

Until not too long ago, things had been going great for Markus.  He had lived in his mother’s house in the Swiss Alps for the past sixteen years.  The natural setting had offered plenty of opportunities for excitement and enjoyment outdoors, and while there weren’t too many people living nearby, Markus preferred it that way.  His homeschooling had kept him reasonably busy, and overall, life was good.

All that changed about a month ago.  Without any warning, tremors had rolled through the countryside.  While they weren’t especially damaging, the novelty of an earthquake had caused quite a stir.  Just as the excitement was wearing off, horrible and unexpected news had been broadcasted: All contact with Portugal, Spain, and parts of France had been lost.  Search teams had ventured into the area, desperately looking for survivors, but that was called off after wading through several dozen miles of death and destruction, with no signs of life at all.

The government of the EAA, the Eurasian-American Alliance, had declared the airspace above the affected areas hostile, and all aircraft were forbidden to enter it, at least until someone could get some understanding of what exactly had happened there.  Was it just an extremely powerful earthquake? Some sort of explosion? A meteor impact? Something worse?

Questions had piled up faster than answers could be found, but as days and even weeks passed without any further word, the people of Europe had gone back to living their lives, at least as well as anyone could be expected to after a situation like that.  The questions remained, but for the time being, things seemed almost normal again.

Then came the previous night, and everything had gone wrong again.

Two uniformed men had arrived at Markus’s house.  They were wearing maroon military style uniforms, but the outfits were almost completely unadorned.  The single exception to this was a patch bearing the letters “HDF” in gold on each man’s shoulder.  The men had been very blunt: “We underestimated the danger of the recent tremors, and now the government has called for an evacuation of all non-essential residents.  Go or we’ll make you go.”

Apparently “non-essential” meant “children,” because Markus’s mother was allowed to continue working in Switzerland, and only Markus had been given a train ticket.  And now, here he was, riding a train to Berlin, completely leaving his old life behind.  The next several hours passed quickly as Markus alternated between sleeping and looking out the window.  Only a few more people got on throughout the trip, and no one tried to sit near him.  The whole experience was rather uneventful and even boring, and Markus actually felt relieved when the train finally arrived in Berlin.

Markus stepped out of the passenger car onto the platform and looked around.  The station had a large curved glass ceiling and several train lines, and shops and restaurants lined the perimeter.  All around there were signs labeled Berlin HBF, as well as several more that indicated which tracks were which.  At the far end of the station there was a massive schedule board, listing all of the incoming and outgoing trains.  Loudspeakers were constantly going, alerting the people there to upcoming arrivals and departures in several languages.  One of the messages caught Markuss attention: All participants in the HDF evacuation program, please meet at the north entrance to the station.  The message continued repeating itself in several different languages.  Markus took one last look around, shrugged, and began to make his way outside.

The first thing that caught Markuss attention was the vehicle parked on the road outside of the station.  It was the same dark red as the two men had worn the other day, and like them, it had HDF emblazoned across its sides in bright gold letters.  A uniformed man was standing outside of it, and there were three other teenagers like Markus waiting by it with bags of their own.  Markus would have expected that there would be others, and he also wasnt surprised that transportation was waiting.  However, the thing that amazed him was the nature of the vehicle.  It wasnt a bus or a van or a similar vehicle.  No, this was clearly military in nature.  It had a very high, very boxy frame set on four large wheels, and the top was obviously designed to have a mounted machine gun of some sort, though no such gun was present.  Vehicles like these were exceptionally rare; most of the world had been demilitarized for at least a decade.  The government must have been involved if military hardware was being used.  This realization caused Markus to feel a lot more confident, but also significantly more wary.  Something big was happening, and for some unexplained reason, he was becoming a part of it.

Markus approached the uniformed man a bit uncertainly.  Excuse me, Im Markus Schwartz…Ive been evacuated from Glarus, Switzerland.  Am I in the right place?

This is it, kid, the man replied, eying Markus.  Im taking you all to your new living quarters.  Were just waiting in case anyone else shows up.  This ride leaves in two minutes, so get your gear loaded up.

Markus nodded and climbed into the back of the vehicle.  He sat down, putting his bag on his lap.  The other kids followed, and soon the four of them were sitting inside waiting for the trip to start.  One of the boys sat next to Markus, while the other boy and the girl sat across from them.  The person sitting next to him seemed a bit apprehensive, almost worried, but the other boy was eagerly taking in everything, intensely interested in the whole ordeal.  The girl wore a completely unconcerned look, as though this sort of thing happened all the time.  All three of them looked to be about Markuss age, give or take a year.

The uniformed man called into the vehicle, Thats it, were moving out! He slammed the door shut, and about thirty seconds later the engine started up.  They were on their way.

The short trip was spent in silence.  None of the passengers were about to start conversation, for their own individual reasons.  Markuss seatmate seemed too timid, the girl apparently took no notice of the others, and the third person was too focused on the vehicle interior for the thought of conversation to even enter his mind.  Markus was fine with the silence; he preferred it to excessive chatter.

Soon they arrived at a large white residential building.  Here we are, the driver said.  This is where youll be living for as long as the evacuation lasts.  He pointed at a set of doors at the front of the building.  Go in there and give your names to the receptionist.  Shell give you your room keys.

Markus grabbed his bag and stepped out of the vehicle, followed by the others.  They walked up a stone path to the entrance and went inside.  The main lobby was surprisingly empty; aside from a woman sitting behind the counter and the three who had followed Markus in, no one was there.  The woman looked up.  Name? she questioned.

 Markus Schwartz.

The receptionist started going down a list, mumbling the different names as she passed them.  Finally she looked back at Markus.  Markus Schwartz, age 16, hometown Glarus, Switzerland?

Markus nodded.  Thats me.

The woman took a set of keys off the wall behind her and dropped them on the counter.  Youre in flat 302.  Drop your things off, make yourself comfortable, talk with your roommates, doesnt matter.  Do whatever you want for now, but be sure to meet down here at four oclock tomorrow afternoon.  At that time, you and the others will be given a tour of the facility where youll be…employed.

Markus looked at her strangely.  Something about the way she said employed didnt sit right with him, but he couldnt put his finger on it.  Well be working? he asked her.

And going to school, too, the woman replied.  You didnt think that youd just sit here for the entirety of the evacuation, did you?

Markus sighed and grabbed his keys off the counter.  I guess not.  Thanks.  His reply was more conclusion than gratitude, but he wasnt about to start this experience off by being rude to the people in charge.  The stairs were just around the corner, and he made his way up them to the third floor.  From there Markus walked a short way down the single hall until he came to the door marked 302.  It was already slightly open, so he pushed it the rest of the way and entered the room.

At first glance, the flat was as basic as it could have been.  The room he was in was sort of a cross between a living room and a dining room.  There was a small table in the middle surrounded by four chairs, and a couch was placed against the right wall.  Ahead of him, a door opened into what was probably a kitchen, and the room immediately adjacent to the main one looked like a bedroom.  There was a teenager sitting at the table reading, and he looked up as Markus entered.

You can just toss your things in the bedroom, he said, noticing his new roommates hesitation.  As Markus moved to do so, the boy continued, Im Edmond.  I just got in here yesterday from France.  Whats your story?

Markus threw his bag into the next room and sat down before answering.  My story? he snorted.  Yesterday two guys showed up and kicked me out of my house.  Now Im here.  Whats to tell?

Edmond chuckled.  Im sure theres just a little bit more to it than that, isnt there?  I mean, you do have a name, right?

Markus threw him a look that clearly said, That wasnt funny, but Edmond either didnt see it or didnt care.  Markus replied anyway.  Im Markus.  And again, theres no real story.  Two men in uniform came to my house, said there was a problem, and gave me a ticket to Berlin.  I packed some clothes, took the train, and now Im here.  Edmond opened his mouth to say something, but Markus quickly continued, cutting him off.  What I dont understand, he said, gesturing meaninglessly at Edmond, is how they can justify evacuating all of the kids but leaving the adults there.  Either there was a problem or there wasnt, you know? Again Edmond started to speak, and again Markus kept talking.  Either its dangerous or it isnt.  Its that simple.  All of that talk about keeping the economy going is nonsense.  They want us kids here for something, and I dont know what.  Its something big, though.

Edmond finally got a word in.  Come on Markus, you really think its some kind of conspiracy? Why shouldnt the EAA work in its citizens best interests? Isnt that what a government is for?

Markus stood up and began pacing, completely ignoring what Edmond had just said.  There was another thing that bothered me, too.  I can understand them continuing our education, but working? What sort of work do you think it is? Edmond didnt even bother to attempt a response this time.  They cant possibly know our skill sets enough to give us real work, and all of the unskilled work is automated these days.  And you know, Markus suddenly stopped pacing and looked up.  The receptionist didnt even say that wed be working.  She said wed be employed, he said, emphasizing the final word.  Employed! Not working, employed! That could be anything!  Markuss pacing had taken him close to the wall, and he now dropped down on the couch there.  Well, it couldnt be just anything, I suppose.  It cant be skilled work and it cant be unskilled work.  What the heck is left?

Edmond had been waiting for Markus to finish, and now he caught Markuss look.  Youre asking me? How should I know? he questioned.

Markus shook his head.  Youre going to be a great roommate, I can tell already, he told Edmond sarcastically.

Well what do you want me to say? asked Edmond in an exasperated tone.  You didnt want my input before and I dont have input now.  Theres nothing to tell you!

Markus sighed.  Fine.  So whats there to do around here?

Edmond raised and lowered his book.  Youre looking at it.  Thisll keep me occupied until its time to go to bed.

Let me rephrase that, Markus said in an annoyed tone.  Whats there for ME to do around here?

Im afraid youre on your own, Edmond replied, beginning to focus his attention on his book.  I guess you could check out the city or talk with some of the other people here.  Im sure youll find something to do.

Markus opened his mouth to retort, but decided it wasnt worth his time and simply shook his head instead and rose to leave.  Edmond was already buried in his book as Markus walked out the door.

Markus made his way down the stairs, through the lobby, and out the doors.  He only encountered two other people along the way, and neither of them made any effort to greet or talk to him.  As he stepped outside, he was greeted was a sight that he had missed on the trip in.  A little over a mile away and almost directly in front of him, a large hill rose above the rest of the countryside.  There was a low, dark colored building at the crest, and several large domes sat on top of towers around that building.  Aside from that, the only other landmark was a large building complex to Markuss left.  A smattering of houses completed the landscape.

Markus spent the next several hours exploring the surrounding area.  Happily, it seemed that they were on the very edge of the city proper, and most of his exploration took place in and around the nearby river and forest.  It was a very satisfied Markus that returned to the flat that night.  After unpacking all of his clothes, he selected one of the unoccupied bunks and crawled in.

The events of the past two days tumbled through Markuss mind as he lay in bed.  Just 48 hours ago, he was living his normal life, completely unaware that any of this would happen.  And now, here he was, in a different country, surrounded by people he didnt know, about to take part in something he knew nothing about.  Markus took a deep breath and released it.  Tomorrow, he would have a lot of answers, but he suspected he would have even more new questions.

The next day began with Markus and several others being loaded up on some sort of troop carrier.  They only went a short way before stopping, and as Markus stepped out of the vehicle, he saw why.  They had been taken to the building on top of the hill he had seen the night before.  At this distance, he could tell that the building was actually the dark red color he had come to associate with the HDF (whatever that was).  The others looked around, more curious than anything else.  The girl that Markus had seen the day before was also there, and as before, she was showing her usual indifference.

The set of double doors on the building opened, and a uniformed man in his thirties stepped out.  He cleared his throat and addressed everyone, Good morning.  Im Instructor Cramer.  If you all will follow me inside, you will find out exactly why you were evacuated, as well as why you were brought here.  However, there is something you should be aware of: Once you come in, you stay in; if you chose to remain outside, youll stay out.  Make your choice now.

The girl was the first one to step forward, and everyone followed suit soon after.  Markus entered with them, his curiosity overpowering his apprehension.  Once all fifteen of the teenagers had entered the building, Cramer closed the doors and turned to face them.  Everyone, please step through the detectors and wait in the area past them.  Once everyone is through, Ill give a proper introduction to this building and your purpose here.

The group passed one by one through the detectors with no problems.  They now stood in a slightly larger area ready to listen to whatever Cramer had to say.  He stepped in front of a closed door and began his speech.

You are now standing in the main base of the HDF, or Human Defense Force.  This group was commissioned by the government a short time ago in response to the impact.  Luckily, there had been a facility under this mountain since the Second World War, and it was a simple matter to renovate it to suit our purposes.

One of the teenagers raised his hand and, without waiting to be acknowledged, asked, You said the HDF was formed in response to the impact? What was the impact? What caused it? How dangerous is it really?

Cramer gave the boy a stern look.  Im speaking right now.  You do not ask questions until I am finished.  He paused a moment to let the rebuke sink in, then continued, However, it happens that I was going to address the impact next.  What was it? Our scientists arent entirely sure at this point.  We do know that it wiped out the most of the populations of Spain and France, and we also know that the surrounding areas have been profoundly affected in other ways.  We sent several scout teams to the site to investigate, but none have returned.  However, there have been credible reports of mechanical beings originating from the impact zone.  Right now all evidence points to them being extraterrestrial in origin, and granted, no one can really imagine any other source of these robots, but there may be other reasons, other origins.  Because of their shady background, our researchers have simply dubbed them metabots.  Obviously, we have no understanding of their communications, causing contact with the metabots to be a near impossibility.  For this reason, all metabots must be considered hostile, as they cannot be negotiated with.

The instructor turned and opened the door.  The Human Defense Force has been working almost non-stop to develop a way to counteract the metabots, and weve come up with several weapons that should prove to be effective.  Please follow me. He led the group through a short hallway and down two flights of stairs, finally stopping in a large room.

Markus looked around.  There were lines all over the floor, clearly marking small zones.  It looked almost like something one might see in a gymnasium.  A set of eight large dummies lined one of the walls, and a rack of sparring equipment was mounted on the opposing wall.  This was almost certainly some sort of training room.  Combat? Were they expected to fight something? Markuss eyes widened, and a thrill of something like fear shot through him.  Were they expected to fight the metabots?  His attention was drawn to the person in front of them, who appeared to be about to speak.

A powerful looking man stood before them, with about a dozen blades of varying shapes and sizes on a table in front of him.  Listen up, he said without preamble, These are the weapons that our research department has been developing.  Because our enemies are robotic in nature, they are controlled through computer systems.  It follows that the most efficient way to knock them out is through a focused electrical charge; an EMP, if you will.  However, the metabots are well protected.  They’re protected by heavy armor and electromagnetic shielding, meaning that we cant simply deploy an area EMP.  No, the charge must be delivered directly.  The man lifted one of the blades.  This is an MP short sword.  Its a complicated device, and Ill only give you an elementary explanation of how one works.  He flipped a switch on the handle, and the air around the blade seemed to shimmer.  Hear that hum? The blade is vibrating at a very specific frequency.  In the right hands, it will be calibrated perfectly to disrupt the molecular structure of the metabots armor.  Once the MP sword has pierced a metabots armor, it will deliver the electrical charge directly to the central computer system, completely and permanently shutting the metabot down.  The power of the electrical pulse will have a noticeable effect on the wielder: they will feel some discomfort from stray discharge.  Were working on ways to eliminate that, though.

One of the teenagers started to raise his hand, then belatedly looked back at Cramer and lowered it quickly.  No, go ahead, the man prompted.  Im willing to clear up any confusion you may have.

Well...I guess Im just curious about what you meant by calibration.  Are you saying that the weapons function differently when used by different people?

Thats exactly what Im saying, replied the instructor.  The impact produced more than just physical effects.  Its rather complicated to explain, so suffice to say that only people of a certain age living a certain distance from the impact can use these weapons effectively.

A certain age living a certain distance…so THATS why were here, thought Markus, glaring at the instructor.  They want US to fight these metabots.  Evacuated? More like drafted.  Anger slowly began to build in him, completely annihilating any fear that the inevitable combat might have evoked.  Such a thing was almost positively too far off to even consider, but the very prospect of a government organization rounding up kids to fight their battles for them? What kind of audacity made them think that they had anything close to the right to do that? 

Markus looked around to see if anyone else was aware of what had happened.  Realization was only present in the eyes of a few of the others; the rest of them just appeared interested in this new technology.

The rest of them…

With a start, Markus realized that the girl looked interested as well.  For the first time since he had known her, she wasnt acting aloof and uncaring.  Instead, the she had moved to the front of the group and was eagerly eying the various blades on the table, taking in every word that the instructor was saying.  Markus focused his attention on him as well, realizing that he had missed the first part of what he was now saying.

…and usage is essentially what youd expect from a melee weapon.  However, a few modifications have been made that distinguish MP blades from traditional swords.  Notice how on this particular model, the handle is horizontal rather than vertical.  This is to promote a thrusting action when attacking, rather than a slashing one.  The weapons will still work if you slash with them, but those attacks may not penetrate as deeply as ones that focus all of your force in one place.  The instructor set the blade down and picked up one with a long, narrow blade.  This is the MP katana.  Weve only recently begun work on these, and even the one here is only a prototype.  As you can see, its modeled after the Japanese katanas, and is designed for a quicker, more elegant style of fighting than the MP short sword.  He put the katana down and hefted a much larger, much thicker sword.  And on the other end of the spectrum, we have the MP broadsword.  The reach is much greater than that of the MP short sword, and the additional weight makes a swinging attack significantly more effective.  This is also a prototype, and not functional yet.  Finally, the instructor picked up one of the smaller blades and unsheathed it.  Our final weapon is the MP knife.  Much smaller than its relatives, and the only one of these weapons designed exclusively for self-defense.  He replaced the knife in its sheath and set it down.  Any questions?

The teenagers looked at each other and at the weapons, but no one seemed to have anything to say.  Alright then.  This is the sparring room where all training takes place.  Youll become very comfortable with this place, and probably sooner than youd like.  The instructor looked at Cramer.  Instructor Cramer, theyre all yours.

Thank you, Instructor Nelson, Cramer replied.  Now, if youll all follow me –

His sentence was cut short as a woman in a tan uniform emerged from the stairwell and came rushing at the group.  Instructor Cramer! she cried.  We have an emergency!

Coordinator Renard, Cramer replied formally.  Whats the problem?

Metabots have been spotted moving towards our location, the woman replied breathlessly.  ETA is fifteen minutes.

Shock and surprise clearly registered on the faces of many of the teenagers, but Cramer remained calm.  And our orders?

Renard hesitated visibly before answering.  The…the Director requested that the children be armed and sent out to fight them.

The shock immediately changed to disbelief, and many of them, including Markus, began to protest.  What? WHAT!? yelled Markus.  Are you crazy? None of us know anything about fighting.  We just got here! We were supposed to be evacuated to be kept OUT of danger! This…Ive…its… Words failed him, his train of thought unable to keep up with his sudden flow of emotion.

You heard the order, replied Cramer.  Arguing wont accomplish anything, as theres simply no alternative.  It would be in your best interests, as well as ours, if you would just comply.

Youre crazy! Markus repeated.  Youre absolutely insane! Your group has essentially kidnapped us, and now youre forcing us to do your dirty work? You want us to put our lives on the line for YOU? Whats in it for us? What do we get out of it? Why should we even consider doing this?  Cramer began to say something, but Markus cut him off.  No, you know what? Screw it.  Im not doing this.  There is absolutely nothing at all that you can offer thats worth risking my life for.

If youre finished acting like a little child, maybe you can keep quiet and pay attention, Cramer replied sharply.  You dont have a choice.  None of you do.  Were not asking you to do this as a favor to us.  Were simply telling you the brutal truth: If you dont defend us, we all will die.  If you dont stand up to the metabots, no one will.  Do you really think wed entrust the future of this base to a handful of whiney children like you if there was some other way? Do you think were stupid?

Listen to me – Markus began.

No, you listen, Cramer shot back.  Experts have evaluated the situation.  People whose only job is to deal with situations like these have determined that this is the only way.  We need a way to disable the metabots, and the only weapons that have any hope of doing so can only be used by people like you.  If you dont use these weapons, if you choose to ignore the responsibility before you, then the metabots will overrun us.  Theres no other possible outcome.

Markus opened his mouth to talk again, but stopped as something hard collided with his body.  He turned in surprise to see the girl looking at him, holding a shield and one of the MP short swords.  She had shoved him with her shield! What was wrong with her?

Are you done? the girl asked Markus.  You know the situation.  We all do.  Now stop making excuses and DO something about it.  She left Markus gaping at her and turned to Cramer.  Im ready.  Just point me in the right direction.  Ill do this myself if I have to.

Its good to see at least one person has any sense here, Cramer mumbled.  He looked up and addressed the others.  The rest of you, suit up! Grab a shield from the far wall and take one of the MP blades.  Instructor Nelson has more if there arent enough on the table.  Once youre ready, follow me and Ill direct you to the deployment area.

In a confused rush, the teenagers were equipped and sent outside.  As they looked around, trying to accustom themselves to the bright sun and the new terrain, a shout was heard.  Everyone looked towards the source of the voice, then in the direction that he was pointing.  There was a collective gasp among the new soldiers; some in surprise, some in apprehension, and some in outright fear.

Several dozen silhouettes appeared in front of the setting sun.  The hazy figures appeared to be seven or eight foot tall humanoid forms, moving mechanically forward at a steady pace.  Everyone stood still, mesmerized by the enemies and breathless with anticipation.

Markus looked around at the others.  Most of them looked every bit as uneasy as he felt.  Some were even visibly trembling in fear.  Markus took a deep breath and slowly released it; he wasnt going to degrade himself by showing his own anxiety.  He was shocked to find that his mouth and throat had gone completely dry.

It appeared that a few others were also trying to keep their nerves under control; at least two or three others were wearing determined looks, and one was…smiling? Markus glanced over again, not believing what he had just seen.  Sure enough, the girl now had a tight grin on her face, clearly eager to fight.  Markus shook his head and turned back to the advancing force.

The metabots were now clearly visible; they had closed to within 100 yards.  They were exactly as Markus had imagined they’d look: glowing rectangular eyes set in metal, expressionless heads that were mounted on blocky frames.  Here and there patches of light appeared as the sun reflected off sections of their metal bodies, poking through the dark shadows that preceded them.  The metabots continued their steady pace; now they were at 40 yards…30 yards…20 yards…10 yards.

The lead metabot casually brushed aside the first person in his way, who fell into a trembling heap on the ground.  Other people unconsciously parted, opening up a path for the metabots to go through.  Several of the recruits stood staring; others tried to get away.  Markus looked around in disbelief.  He opened his mouth to say something, but was cut off by a war cry from his right.  The girl was now charging at the lead metabot.  It looked at her slowly, mechanically, as if in surprise.  Before it could react, however, the girl had thrust her blade into its midsection.  She grimaced slightly as the blade slid neatly through the robots armor.  The metabot abruptly stiffened as it fell backwards from the force of her attack.  The girl paused, glanced down to make sure it had ceased functioning, then jumped onto the fallen frame.  Both robot and human alike watched her, motionless, noiseless, caught completely off-guard by the sudden display of aggression.

Don’t you have any pride at all?” she yelled at the other recruits.  “You cowards! Fight!”  With that, the girl jumped down and continued her assault, her blade glinting in the sun and her long dark hair blowing about in the wind.  It was an awe-inspiring sight to see this one person fight alone against a force of forty.

However, Markus immediately realized that that fight wouldnt last long without assistance.  “You heard her!” he shouted.  “Let’s go!”

The next several minutes were a frenzied blur for Markus.  The metabots didnt seem prepared for resistance, and they were slow to react to the attacks of the new recruits.  Even so, it seemed like it was all Markus could do to avoid getting hit.  He was flailing, not fighting; like the others, there was no skill behind any of his movements.  They were all just trying to stay alive.

The feeling of pain kept injecting itself into the chaos surrounding Markus.  Now it was the sting of a grazing attack.  Now it was a crushing blow on his shield.  Now it was a dull pain as his blade hit and incapacitated a metabot.  Throughout all this, exhaustion was steadily building up in his body.

Suddenly, there was nothing left to attack, nothing left to dodge.  Markus looked around wildly, heart racing and body shaking.  Somehow, they had prevailed.  Somehow, they had defeated all of the metabots.  Only about half of them were still on their feet; the rest were on the ground, heavily injured or dead.  All but two of those standing were also injured.

A tickle on his arm caused Markus to look down.  His shoulder had been torn open, and blood was oozing down onto his left arm.  He dropped to his knees, trying to catch his breath.  Markus was exhausted, and there was some sort of deeper fatigue, too.  It seemed like even thinking hurt. 

As the adrenaline began to wear off, Markus realized that he was trembling uncontrollably.  He was overwhelmed by a sudden flow of emotion; acutely aware of the fear that he had held back during the battle.  Markus looked at the bodies around him.  He could have easily suffered their fate.  Death had never seemed as real to him as it did at that moment, and Markus knew very well that only luck had spared him.  The blade fell out of his hand.  The shield slid off his arm.  Markus hunched forward, shaking, almost on the verge of crying, overcome by the events that had just happened.

The dark-haired girl stood motionless, looking on.

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JF Williams wrote 236 days ago

So far, after four chapters, this is a well-observed study of young people training to do battle against a mysterious horde of robots. The dialogue sounds very natural without being inscrutable, the writing is confident and with minimilist but precise description. The MC is very distraught throughout what I've read but we see the subtle evolution of his thinking and, by the end of four, even the establishment of some possible friendships.It's interesting that we are so close to the thoughts of this character and there's a nice balance between that and the action, which is amazingly well written. It's the sort of thing I struggle at so I'm always impressed when someone writes a good fight scene of any sort.
You do a good job, as well, at creating a sense of mystery about the blade technology and the nature of the metabots. I'm just as uneasy about both as the MC is.
My only note is that the chapters are very long and each covers a lot of ground. The writing is up to it, though, especially in chapter one, which has a breathless pace. I'm just wondering if breaking up into clearly delineated scenes would save some bridge paragraphs and create more drama and suspense, giving the reader a break to ponder what has just been described. The reader will take those breaks anyway so an author might as well manipulate the reading experience by determining where they occur.
I think this is a very marketable property and is pretty well polished over all. I'll be reading more.

stealthr6 wrote 252 days ago

Hi Jared,

I was planning on reading about 3 chapters and commenting, but now I'm hooked and want to read more! I've completed 5 chapters and will be reading chapter 6 today. For being a Sci Fi junkie I initially thought the idea of robots attacking and kids fighting them wasn't the best, but you sold me on this idea with your story. It has a great flow to it and the characters are very well crafted, the despair Markus feels was clearly told, although perhaps a bit repeatedly at times in my opinion. The story also took a few chapters to get into, but now it seems like each chapter is better then the one before it.

Your work seems very polished to me, though I'm probably not the best editor around here. I think I focus on flow, which your story excels in, great pacing and there wasn't any point where I stopped and asked what the writer was trying to explain. I like where the story is going as well, I can't wait to read more!

I did find one spot where I wasn't too found of. In Chapter 2: Trapped

The group went down to the area where they had had the weapons demonstration the previous day...

I think having two had's in there doesn't sound good. It made me pause while I was reading it. Just something to think about. Take care,

Art

JANVIER wrote 1018 days ago

Hello Jared,
Sci is not among my top list of genres, but you crafted a very enjoyable story on a very fascinating premise. You wrote it in a confident and engaging manner whose outcome is a smooth flowing story with a believable ring in it that for a while made me feel I was reading a true to life story. Very enjoyable and fast-paced. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

setondan wrote 1004 days ago

This is a book that grabbed me right away. From the pitch through the first four chapters I have read so far. I can relate because you talk about subject matter that is important to my own psyche. You express the intricacies of our human foibles expertly, and explore and weave the information effortlessly in the story with aplomb. As it develops I am confident I will relate to and enhance my own viewpoint on human frailties, so I look forward to reading more. Its premise of "what it means to be human" reminds me of my own book to some degree. Glad to shelve this interesting work.

Tammy Snyder wrote 1011 days ago

I have to say I like this idea. Very clever. Your writing is excellent also as it flows along smoothly. You carry your scenes very well and your descriptions are top-notch! Shelved!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

stealthr6 wrote 97 days ago

This is an update to my first comments. I have gone through all 29 chapters. They story is immersive, war like saga that reminds me a little of Joe Haldeman's Forever War, except I enjoyed your story more as it seemed to me to have a lot more action. The battles are very exciting and I never know how its going to end. My favorite was at the end of Chapter 28, it really made the reader's (me) juice flow, very intense battle, great emotional war like writing. Unfortunately some of the battles in the middle of the story do feel a little bit repetitive. Otherwise the struggles young Markus goes through are great to follow. From his personal questions about what is going on, to finding out about the attackers, to the losses he surfers throughout the battles, to the stress which almost makes him crack, and... well I don't to spill all the beans to potential readers, they'll just have to encounter this epic story for themselves. Also the editing is very polished. To summarize yea it's a lengthy endeavour but definitely worth the time invested, I'm thankful I got to enjoy this.

JF Williams wrote 236 days ago

So far, after four chapters, this is a well-observed study of young people training to do battle against a mysterious horde of robots. The dialogue sounds very natural without being inscrutable, the writing is confident and with minimilist but precise description. The MC is very distraught throughout what I've read but we see the subtle evolution of his thinking and, by the end of four, even the establishment of some possible friendships.It's interesting that we are so close to the thoughts of this character and there's a nice balance between that and the action, which is amazingly well written. It's the sort of thing I struggle at so I'm always impressed when someone writes a good fight scene of any sort.
You do a good job, as well, at creating a sense of mystery about the blade technology and the nature of the metabots. I'm just as uneasy about both as the MC is.
My only note is that the chapters are very long and each covers a lot of ground. The writing is up to it, though, especially in chapter one, which has a breathless pace. I'm just wondering if breaking up into clearly delineated scenes would save some bridge paragraphs and create more drama and suspense, giving the reader a break to ponder what has just been described. The reader will take those breaks anyway so an author might as well manipulate the reading experience by determining where they occur.
I think this is a very marketable property and is pretty well polished over all. I'll be reading more.

KirkH wrote 240 days ago

Hi Jared,
Burden of Humanity is an interesting Sci-Fi thriller, aimed at young adults. Like it a lot. It reminds me a little of Robert Heinlein's book "Starship Troopers", because just like the main character in that book, Markus is young, innocent and also drafted as a soldier to save the world from alien robots, etc.
The concept of these MP short swords is also good. I like the explaination that the swords work most efficiently when wielded by younger people. Talk about training child-soldiers!
I wish you would elaborate more on the fallout from the impact - you only mention a few things in passing. I think (IMO) an impact the size of France and Spain would have sent shock waves of destruction throughout Europe and the North Atlantic, (i.e most of the Mediterraniean coastline and the British Isles would have been wiped out by super-tsunamis after such an impact, and the US East Coast would have suffered as well, if you know what I mean). Perhaps you should limit the size of the impact, say somewhere in the Pyrannies between France and Spain. I didn't get as far as what happens next and what the aliens want on the Earth (food, fuel, natural resources, girls, etc)....
I recommend you to cut chapter one into two or more chapters; readers need to absorb all this info in bite-sized chunks. Chapter two should begin the next day when Markus arrives at this base with the other teens and receives his first briefing with the others with Crammer. Chapter three should begin with the first metabot attack, without any training from the teens, etc.
I can imagine that there might also be a darker motive behind this alien war, but that would be reserved for Markus and his friends to find out, etc.
Good plot. I think you need to shorten on the info-dumps and add a little more dialogue with the teens and so on.
It could work out well.
Backed - again.
All the best
Kirk

Gamer_2k4 wrote 245 days ago

I wish there was more stuff at the school though


I kind of do too, if only for the sake of balance, but the school scenes are really only there to provide a contrast from the military lifestyle. However, that setting comes back in a big way for Chapter 18; I'll try to get that up ASAP.

Though about half way through I wish you would have wrapped up the battles a bit quicker as it was slowly getting a little repetitive, well until deadlier toys were introduced.


That was my worry, and I see now that it was justified. Chapters...I dunno, 8 to maybe 15 are kind of a lull in the story, but I'm not sure what to do about that right now. I will tell you that everything should be improving from here on out (as you've probably seen hinted at in the story).

I hope I don't sound negative because I really enjoy this. I'm just trying to nitpick.


Nitpicking is good. Nitpicking is what I need. If there are no glaring errors, then I definitely need to know about the more subtle ones. Thanks for your criticism.

And what these metabots really are...hmm I've got some ideas but won't post here :)


That revelation comes in Chapter 20. You're close.


I left you a message to this effect, but I'll say it here anyway: Thank you so much for continuing to read through my story. Too many people stop after a chapter or two, and I think (as I'm sure any author does) that they're really missing out as a result. I'm glad you kept going, because criticism on the later parts is what I need most now. Thanks again.

stealthr6 wrote 245 days ago

Went through all 17 chapters, its a complex and interesting story. I enjoyed when Markus went postal in a way, his darkness was well brought out. Most writers don't make the main character a complete asshole, so I enjoyed that aspect of it. And the progress of moving him back to good guy status. I wish there was more stuff at the school though, after the "fight" most of the school moments were let downs. The battles with the metabots were getting more difficult, I enjoy when more prominent characters got killed/injured as it brought a sense of urgency in way. Though about half way through I wish you would have wrapped up the battles a bit quicker as it was slowly getting a little repetitive, well until deadlier toys were introduced.

I hope I don't sound negative because I really enjoy this. I'm just trying to nitpick. Great job, looking forward to additional chapters and how this all wraps up. And what these metabots really are...hmm I've got some ideas but won't post here :)

The grammar, editing etc. was great throughout, I've only caught a few silly mistakes:

Chapter 7
Markus shook his slightly in silent opposition, but Kurt had suddenly brightened as he realized he had news for Markus.
Missing a 'head'?

Chapter 9
There are are no more of those slow, lumbering hulks that you're used to; your opponents this battle are both fast and deadly.
double are...

Chapter 10
"It's pointless trying to train if you do have the skills or energy for it," Alessa replied.
Assuming you meant to say 'don't'

stealthr6 wrote 252 days ago

Hi Jared,

I was planning on reading about 3 chapters and commenting, but now I'm hooked and want to read more! I've completed 5 chapters and will be reading chapter 6 today. For being a Sci Fi junkie I initially thought the idea of robots attacking and kids fighting them wasn't the best, but you sold me on this idea with your story. It has a great flow to it and the characters are very well crafted, the despair Markus feels was clearly told, although perhaps a bit repeatedly at times in my opinion. The story also took a few chapters to get into, but now it seems like each chapter is better then the one before it.

Your work seems very polished to me, though I'm probably not the best editor around here. I think I focus on flow, which your story excels in, great pacing and there wasn't any point where I stopped and asked what the writer was trying to explain. I like where the story is going as well, I can't wait to read more!

I did find one spot where I wasn't too found of. In Chapter 2: Trapped

The group went down to the area where they had had the weapons demonstration the previous day...

I think having two had's in there doesn't sound good. It made me pause while I was reading it. Just something to think about. Take care,

Art

LaSombra wrote 271 days ago

Ch 1:
So far, a very interesting story. I will try to comment on more chapters at a time after this one. It was a longer chapter than the others seem to be and I'm being cut short by family things.

I'm not good at finding content errors, just typos and such, but I found a few of those.

"As he stepped outside, he was greeted (was) a sight that he had missed..." was should be with?

"one by one" needs hyphens: "One-by-one"

"We do know that it wiped out (the) most of the populations..." just an extra word from when you changed what you were going to write.

Will be reading on :)
Jen (LaSombra)

LaSombra wrote 273 days ago

Hello, Saw your message inviting me to read and thought I'd check it out. It's now on my WL. It's behind a few other ones on my WL, but I look forward to reading it :) Just wanted to let you know.

Jen (LaSombra)
The Summoner

RossClark1981 wrote 278 days ago

- The Burden of Humanity -

(Based on chapters 1-3)

I am not normally a reader of sci fi so, to be completely honest, I was suprised at how much I enjoyed this. The story feels very much like an original one. For me, this was set up instantly by the setting, beginning in Switzerland and moving to Germany. An unusual move for a writer from an English-speaking country and one that immediately drew me in.

I enjoyed the mystery of what was going on at first, Markus not really knowing what was happening to him. And then we get into the action with some exciting battle scenes. I should note that I would have expected the first chapter to end upon Murkus finding out what he was in for then going into training in the following chapter, rather than going straight into the fray. The pacing seemed a little too fast for me there. Just my opinion though.

The characterisation was good too. I liked how the more sensitive side of Markus was drawn out by the contradiction with those cadets who found the battles etc fun and something of an adventure. Then we have that strange moment for him in chapter three where he begins to enjoy himself, showing there is some bloodlust in him after all. I particularly liked how Carina was sketched in chapter three. She was immediately endearing and as the reader I was hoping that she would develop into an important role in the story.

Some nitpicks/suggestions

-Once you have set up a past perfect context by using a 'had done' verb, you can switch back to the past simple tense. Using 'had' again and again can impede the flow for the reader due to that feeling of repitition.

........In chapter one, the past perfect context is set up by, 'Until not long ago, things had been great for Markus'. The 'hads' continue throughout the following paragraphs but can be removed as the time context has already been established. So 'He had lived in his mother's house' can become 'He lived in his mother's house' and so on.

- Chapter two, 'Yes sir' should be 'Yes, Sir.'

- In chapter three, the battle was good but for me it ended a little abrupbtly. I would have liked a little more detail. What the metabots looked like, how they moved etc.

These nitpicks are just my opinion and I'm a novice as a writer so I make no claim to being right about any of them.

Overall, I found this an imaginative and well crafted story that I enjoyed reading. I would have gone further had I the time.

Best of luck with it,

Ross

Gamer_2k4 wrote 279 days ago

Hi Jared,
Ok, five for five. The following are my observations of my read of the first five chapters of The Burden of Humanity.

...

In conclusion, I like the book so far and want to see how the plot and story advances in the following chapters.



Well then, how about another 5 chapter tradeoff? I think we both expressed a similar feel in our comments of "My impressions may be wrong, since I only read this much, but perhaps additional reading will change that." I agree with your criticism, and I admit that my first chapters are some of the weaker ones. (If I recall correctly, there's another weak point around Chapters 10-12, but that's a section for another time.) The reason for this is simply that I planned the story as a whole well before writing any of it, and the interesting points that I wanted to hit on had to be built up to.

Chapter 6, in my mind, is where the story really gets going. New equipment is introduced, new bases and factions of the HDF become apparent, and several characters get a good deal of development. The pace and scale of the story increase as it goes on. Obviously, that's a bit of a shortcoming on my part, in that the chapters people are most likely to read are the slow ones, but that's what editing is for.

Anyway, I appreciate your input, and if you have the time to exchange reads for another five chapters, please let me know.

Thanks.

Jared
The Burden of Humanity

gparrick wrote 279 days ago

Hi Jared:
As a further follow up, I was troubled that the story seemed to move sideways in the third or fourth chapter. Possibly a way to fix this would be to insert information that hints or explains what happened in the countries that were obliterated. Another option is to begin to reveal why only the children were selected to go into battle. Maybe you need to do a little of both to substitute for material where the plot slides sideways. Just a thought.

Jerry

gparrick wrote 279 days ago

Hi Jared,
Ok, five for five. The following are my observations of my read of the first five chapters of The Burden of Humanity. My first observation is probably true of most manuscripts and that is a proof read/rewrite is generally a good thing. I mean this in a few ways. First and probably most important the book needs to be proofed by looking at each topic introduced, reaction described, or conclusion drawn to see if it truly adds something necessary; moves the plot along, sets up a future event or conclusion, or provides really necessary insight on the character. It seems to me there are passages that while they provide information, they are really not essential to what is going to happen or what you need to know about a character. I think readers want a tight book where everything is important to the story and it moves along smartly.

My second observation is that you need to clarify what Markus is feeling, elaborating on why he is feeling something or how it relates to the future plot. An example of these points is the following passage, "Markus spent the next several hours exploring the surrounding area. Happily it seemed that they were on the very edge of the city proper, and most of his exploration took pace in and around the nearby river and forest. It was a very satisfied Markus that returned to the flat that night." What is puzzling about this is that it either does not need to be said, in other words it is irrelevant to the rest of the story, or you have not provided enough information for us to get its relevance. Why was he happy they were where they were, why did most of his exploration take place in and around the nearby river and forest and why was he "very satisfied" when he returned that night. In this case you should explain the relevance, delete the passage or modify it to make more sense. A more minor example of editing is where you say "Markus took a deep breath and released it." You should delete the "and released it." The reader will assume he released it. Or near the beginning when you said "...leaned his head against the window of the train car." Delete "car" because the reader will assume it and it doesn't add anything.

I hope you do not fall victim to a feeling I have had from time to time which is when I worried about the length of the book and was repeatly tempted to add superfluous material to lengthen it. Tell a tight story and the length will take care of itself.

A few times the characters repeat the same thing too often. For example, Markus recalled the battle and shuddered too often. "All the suppressed memories from yesterday came rushing back to him, and a sort of fear filled his mind." He also asked "Why me?" once or twice that was not necessary. Also, between his first and successive interactions with the girl who was not going to be a warrior and was too happy without knowing how bad things were going to get, several weeks passed and she still had no clue. This is not realistic. She would have found out what was going on progressively in the interim. This would call for you to modify the second major interaction so, for example, she comments on how she had no clue the first time they met and he rejoins with an appology for "being so hard on her."

Somewhere in third or fourth chapter, I felt the plot seemed to go sideways rather than moving forward. The battles seemed too similar with not enough that was new. Even when you introduced the battle where the metabots had guns that was not a surprising enough or exciting enough change. I think it is important for the story and the main character to advance to a higher role or awareness. Novelty and new and surprising challenges need to occur often to keep the story engaging and moving forward.

On balance though I think you do a great job of getting the reader into the story. You did a particularly good job of getting the reader into the middle of the battle and letting them feel those situations with Markus. The plot seems sound and the Markus character emerges as a unique identity. In fact, I like most of your characters and I think you do a great job portaying the interactions between the characters and their motivations. I find them very realistic. Frequently there is a brilliance in how you say things that is striking. An example is when you say "...but they were treated as machines that had to be maintained rather than humans that needed to be healed." Or, "and collapsed metabots dotted the terrain like cicada shells in the summer."

In conclusion, I like the book so far and want to see how the plot and story advances in the following chapters.

Regards,
Jerry

Juliusb wrote 281 days ago

Hello Jared,

I find the pitch of your book connoting the attempts by mere man to shoot at the particles in space in order to deflect away any that may be moving closer to the and such the may hit it and cause havoc.

Bravo.

JULIUS B [Destined to Triumph]

ses7 wrote 281 days ago

Okay, here are some comments that I think would help strengthen your story. These are my reactions and impressions, so take from them only what you think was actually insightful and helpful and don’t worry about anything where I’ve obviously missed the point of something and you think it’s pretty clear. For example, I’m an American and have only been to Europe once, and I have a hard time imagining a kid travelling by himself on a train between countries out there—but maybe it happens all the time and that’s just my bias. Follow your instincts—you know what this book is about better than I do. :-)

First I’ll give you a summary. I read the first part of chapter 1 and skimmed through other parts. I like your overall premise, and I thought the opening paragraphs were good—the descriptions of him looking out the window and his reminiscing thoughts were pretty clear—and it presented a good opportunity for some background. Overall I have a hard time telling whether Markus was abducted (by the government or no) or whether he was chosen as a select few and knows something about what’s going on because the security measures made on getting these kids to the right place don’t quite fit. A lot of the young man’s reactions feel unnatural as well. Also, overall I feel like this chapter is very long because you’ve tried to “tell” us a lot of Markus’ impressions instead of “showing us.” I think if you go through and trim some of that, it will help keep me in the scenes and the story should flow a little faster and better.

Specifics:

The words: “The questions remained, but for the time being everything seemed normal again.” feel out of place. If everything has gone back to normal, then why would something abnormal happen again (where some random stranger shows up to take Markus)? If everyone were still anxious about the strange disaster that has occurred, it would make sense that the government has come to kindly take Markus away. If everything is back to normal, you might expect the government to burst through the door in the middle of the night and take Markus out of his bed. Either that or his mom would just say, “I don’t know who you are! Go away!”

“Then came the previous night, and everything had gone wrong again.” Redundant? Maybe go to the end of your forth paragraph (or into the beginning of your fifth paragraph) and cut the rest up to the part where the two guards come to get Markus. That part doesn’t quite fit.

If guards came to pick Markus up, then why is he travelling on the train without an escort? I mean, they came to the door of his home to take him away, after all. Did they drive him to the station and tell him what to do from there, maybe? I’m missing some detail that would expand on this a little more for me.

Also, especially when he arrives, it seems like men in uniforms should be right there directing people or picking people up if nothing else. Here, Markus “shrugs” and we get a detailed description of the shops and the lovely glass ceiling as though, if he wanted to, he could grab some ice cream, do a little shopping, and jump right back onto the train and go someplace else—no one would care. Try to focus your details to make sure we get enough to be alerted to the environment, but that the snapshot also fits the mood of what’s going on with the main character. Also, if Markus isn’t special enough to travel with a personal/group escort, it seems like there should be lots of people evacuating off of the train with very few who are just travelling and mulling around for other reasons. Is Markus’ “evacuation” special (for him and a select few) or macroscopic (involving hundreds or even thousands of others)? It isn’t clear to me which, and it doesn’t quite make sense that this is an evacuation Or that Markus’ situation is special. It just feels ‘weird,’ for my gut reaction. Try to decide which.
If it’s special, maybe he’s travelling on the train with a small group/by himself along with a couple of people in uniform, and he gets to know some of them. If it’s a true evacuation, everyone else on the train who’s not part of it will likely have been alerted to the fact that the train is stopping at an evacuation point, and there should be lots of other people on the train going where he’s going. There may or may not be people in uniforms on the train at that point as well—but my guess is that there’s one or two sitting somewhere in the same car.

*I think it’s clear that the government was involved long before Markus saw the military vans. Otherwise, why in the world would his mother listen to a couple of random people belonging to an organization she didn’t know about and send her son off with them by himself?! I think she would say “No way! Leave before I call the police you crazies!”

*We also know that something big was happening long before this—there was a natural disaster, and they decided to evacuate the kids. It feels weird/unnatural for him to suddenly realize this as he’s walking up to the van.

With the paragraph “Markus climbed into the back of the vehicle,” we get lots of flat descriptions of how all of the other kids “look:” apprehensive, worried, eagerly, intensely, completely (lots of adverbs). Try integrating descriptions of what they look like and what they’re eager, excited, intent, etc. about in particular into the MC’s impressions. Maybe two dark-haired boys are going around introducing themselves to everyone, or they’re teasing this one kid with blond hair and weepy blue eyes who just looks terrified and won’t talk to anyone, etc. This paragraph needs more “show,” (“show, don’t tell” :-)

Why isn’t anyone at all talking during the ride a couple paragraphs down? Wasn’t there one kid who was eager and talkative before? Why does he suddenly not want to talk? Maybe he decided to keep quiet after no one responded to him, or someone told him he was annoying, or someone shot him a cold look?

It seems like this kid should really know what he’s getting himself into—they would have informed him; or there would be lots of kids there that they’re trying to help and no one knows what’s going on because it’s all kind of spur-of-the moment, even for the receptionist; or the security would be tighter and they wouldn’t be told to just “do whatever they wanted” and be trusted to come down for a meeting. It feels like a summer camp or something, and it still isn’t quite clear to me whether this is an evacuation, an abduction (government or no), or a group of kids who are getting special treatment for some reason.

That’s a lot to get you started with. Unfortunately, again, I didn’t quite make it to the interesting stuff later with what looks like a battle scene—it looks like that’s where the premise of story really starts to pick up. But I think the mechanics of your writing is good, and you do a really good job with making the scenery clear—the environment, where we are, where we’re going, etc. (I had a hard time with that with my own story for a long time, so kudos for doing a good job making that clear).

A couple of other things. You might want to try creating a prologue or an opening action chapter/scene that just gives us a quick snapshot of what’s going on/going to happen in your book without any backstory whatsoever. Maybe someone is sitting at home and this bright white light blinds everything out of nowhere and they experience whatever’s happened with that disaster, or something like that. That will help hook your readers and draw them into the longer chapters and backstory to come, along with the rest of what you want to say.

Also, a book that I think might have some stylistic and premise similarities to yours is The Maze Runner by James Dashner—take a look at it. It’s a teenage thriller/horror story about a bunch of kids who end up in this maze and don’t know why, and they have to survive, battle creepy machines, and find a way out. I find that his book moves fast but not too fast. It flows exceptionally well, and he knows how to give just enough details to flesh out the world and situation these people are in without giving too much abstract. I really like his writing style and have tried to pattern the flow of my book based on his style in a lot of ways.

That’s a lot of commentary, and I hope you find it helpful.

Best of luck in your story, and again, thank you for your feedback as well! :-)

-Sarah ES

Brandwood wrote 972 days ago

Hello Jared,
While I think you have the makings of a good yarn here, I believe it needs some editing, certainly in the first chapter. There is much overuse of 'had' when describing historic events. Also, some of the sentence stucture needs a little thought, for instance, 'Then came the previous night' reads a little on the clumsy side. As you say, the book is far from complete, so I make these suggestions in the hope that they are helpful. Good luck.

C.P. wrote 972 days ago

Kind of feel eerie sending the children to Germany considering what happened in the second world war. I wondered why Markus mother didn't make a fuss. The way it is written it seems that a couple guys in uniform came to the door made demands and she complied. I wonder if it would have been that easy. Missed the emotional impact of their parting.

There is so much happening in this piece. Great ideas and even greater intrigue. I think with a little tightening up of the little details you will have a powerful story. Good luck and on my shelf. C.P

Brandwood wrote 972 days ago

Hello Jared. You brief bio intrigues me and I have watchlisted your book. I shall come back to you with comments when I can.

Bob Steele wrote 974 days ago

The pitch for Burden of Humanity needs development to place us in the time [near future?] and circumstances [United States of Europe?] of the book, and to give some idea of who is fighting, why and for what ends.
Having said that, the book itself gets off to a good start and by the end of C1 the action and narrative pace is picking up - you got inside Markus's head and point of view well towards the end which makes the story much punchier. Earlier on you were moving POV too much for me - one minute in M's head [he wasn't surprised] the next minute you are an outside observer [Markus would have expected]
You have the foundations for a good book here, so I'll back it for it potential. Good luck taking it forward.

Gamer_2k4 wrote 979 days ago

1. Markus--you repeat his name constantly in the narrative when I feel 'he' would suffice. It's a small thing, but maybe something you will consider changing.

2. You seem to get right into the story very quickly, which to be honest, left me feeling a bit rushed. Personally, I'd have preferred more exposition regarding the first earth quake before moving onto the 2nd. Again, this is just my subjective opinion on the matter.



1) I've actually become aware of that rather recently: I've seen some authors go pages (or even chapters) without repeating the character's name, since it's clear who is being written about. I'll fix that in a later edit.

2) Hmm, it worries me that you think there were two earthquakes; there was only one, though I must not have been clear about that. I'll take another look at the first chapter sometime.

Anyway, thank you and thanks to everyone else who commented. For those of you who I haven't returned the favor to, I'll get on that as soon as possible.

T.L Tyson wrote 979 days ago

i did enjoy what you wrote here, I like the instant story, though it did feel as though I was being thrown into it rather quickly, though that isn't a bad thing. I would like to echo Shoshanna's comment about the repetition of the MC's name. it is's necessary and often a he would do. The over usage really draws away from fluidity of the story.
Backed.
T.L Tyson_Seeking Eleanor

Phil Rowan wrote 981 days ago

You have a great pitch here, Jared, and your writing delivers: it is excellent. I think this is top league fiction for YAs and indeed to all of us. There's a lot of excitement right from the start with the earth movements in Spain and the implications as the robots swarm in. I found your writing very enticing and look forward to reading the completed version of this story, hopefully as a published book. Best wishes - Phil Rowan (Weimar Vibes)

Steve Ward wrote 983 days ago

Jared
Great writing. You have woven an interesting tale. I thought it was great how the girl stepped forward and had to drag the guys into the battle. It reminded me of the story of Deborah in Judges a book of the Bible. You have the makings of a good book and you did a good job with the point of view, but I would trim that first chapter a bit to pick up the pace. There is a lot of telling at the beginning, almost like a newspaper article. If you trim it down it will also help with your voice. Fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

setondan wrote 1004 days ago

This is a book that grabbed me right away. From the pitch through the first four chapters I have read so far. I can relate because you talk about subject matter that is important to my own psyche. You express the intricacies of our human foibles expertly, and explore and weave the information effortlessly in the story with aplomb. As it develops I am confident I will relate to and enhance my own viewpoint on human frailties, so I look forward to reading more. Its premise of "what it means to be human" reminds me of my own book to some degree. Glad to shelve this interesting work.

Tammy Snyder wrote 1011 days ago

I have to say I like this idea. Very clever. Your writing is excellent also as it flows along smoothly. You carry your scenes very well and your descriptions are top-notch! Shelved!
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

Andrew W. wrote 1011 days ago

The Burden of Humanity

Hi Jared,

Fascinating idea, still in development I'm sure, the current draft seems too distant from the action and is telling us information rather than enabling us to experience it. We would need more show in the final story, which is, I am sure what you will give us. The idea is however rock solid and the mournful title and its philosophical underpinnings, would happily come back and read a further draft just let me know what it's uploaded, best wishes - backing for the sheer quality and depth of the concept

Andrew W. (Sanctuary's Loss)

JANVIER wrote 1018 days ago

Hello Jared,
Sci is not among my top list of genres, but you crafted a very enjoyable story on a very fascinating premise. You wrote it in a confident and engaging manner whose outcome is a smooth flowing story with a believable ring in it that for a while made me feel I was reading a true to life story. Very enjoyable and fast-paced. Rightly shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

jennyemily wrote 1025 days ago

You get the sory going quickly, imparting a lot of information but in a way that doesn't become a wall of info dump - well written! With a little tightening up of the prose you are onto a winner here. Backed without hesitation!

-Jenny-

Melinda_Kucsera wrote 1087 days ago

This sounds really interesting; I'm adding this to my watch list. I'll be back later to read some of it, but right now I have to run out. Isn't that always the way? Good luck writing it. As I read, is there anything you wish comments on? Do let me know and I'd be happy to oblige.

smithy92 wrote 1106 days ago

now, i like it. however, just like my own first chapter until recently, there is a lot of exposition. you do have to bring the audience up to speed however.... the book does run smooth, and the storyline is very good. my suggestion is when you have time just experiment with your first chapter. you never know, you might find a better way to tell the audience the story.

maitreyi wrote 1114 days ago

hi jared
chapter one is absolutely sound in terms of writing and the pitch is fine too. you've obviously go everything planned out and you can write. however,quite a big however, there is too much very naked exposition for my taste. this chapter needs to bring everyone up to speed but not in this way. explaining everything that has happened takes the excitement out of a good plot.

i wonder if you can edit this to make it more exciting, less wordy, more gripping?

a lot of promise here.

good luck
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Gamer_2k4 wrote 1116 days ago

Funny, I just came back from Switzerland and so I immediately liked the train to Berlin, because I spent so much time on trains there. My wife is from Switzerland and has heard of Glarus and said she thought it was a small county, close to Zurich you say, so you must have been there, huh?


Actually, I was in Switzerland two summers ago, but only really visited Interlaken. I use Google Maps to figure out where I want the different locations in my story to be, though, and Glarus seemed like a reasonably good spot.

Funny, I just read "The Offensive" and it reads a lot like yours; one big thing both have in common that I didn't like was not identifying the time period in the future it was writing about within the three chapters that I read but I don't question it because you may have a good reason to hold that off for awhile


No, no good reason. It just never comes up until Chapter 5.

Anyway, glad you liked the story; thanks for shelving it.

Professor Iwik wrote 1116 days ago

Jared,
You have a good story going here, with some great writing.
I've completed the first chapter, i'll be back for more soon.
cheers

Keith G wrote 1117 days ago

Jared,

I just finsihed three chapters of "The Burden of Humanity" and it read fast and smooth. Funny, I just came back from Switzerland and so I immediately liked the train to Berlin, because I spent so much time on trains there. My wife is from Switzerland and has heard of Glarus and said she thought it was a small county, close to Zurich you say, so you must have been there, huh? Funny, I just read "The Offensive" and it reads a lot like yours; one big thing both have in common that I didn't like was not identifying the time period in the future it was writing about within the three chapters that I read but I don't question it because you may have a good reason to hold that off for awhile; I am not about to tell another writer how to write his story, being his story I couldn't anyway, and one other thing was the girl who was the best fighter; I'd figure a guy but that, again, is your perogative as the writer and it may come into play in the upcoming chapters. Anyway, very good dialogue, real characters and the chapter endings have plenty enough tensdion to keep me wanting to read but three chapters is it for me and I will shelf this because it is great writing. Funny, I just noticed when I came onto your site that you shelved "Muhammad's Revenge" and I thank you for that.

Peace,

Keith G.

John Harold McCoy wrote 1118 days ago

Once I stopped nitpicking (like I think you missed a "he" where he made his way up the stairs, and did you mean "the impact produces" - stuff like that) and pulled up a little extra suspension of disbelief dut to the unlikely way things progressed, I really got in to it. Not a work of art, but it promises to be a great adventure. I'll give it a short shot on my shelf.
If you get a chance check out my bid for fame... hehe.

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