Book Jacket

 

rank  Editors Pick
word count 154086
date submitted 06.05.2009
date updated 20.05.2012
genres: Fiction, Literary Fiction, Thriller...
classification: universal
complete

The Öbergemau Key

Jose Carlos Cavazos

One pissed-off Jewish American financial fraud investigator takes on a neo-Nazi and Islamic conspiracy to save Her Majesty's life



 

Former United States Army sniper Jonathan Templemann investigates fraud for an upscale accounting outfit. Traversing the globe from London in the firm’s private jet, the forensic accountant circulates amongst Britain’s wealthy and celebrity elite, recovering their embezzled funds.

An enemy from Jonathan’s military past seeks revenge for a tragic incident that occurred during the Iraq War. This neo-Nazi criminal mastermind now coordinates a multi-national conspiracy, code-named Öbergemau, and has positioned Jonathan to be the patsy in a diabolical plan involving simultaneous worldwide terrorist attacks that will divert attention from the real crime: the United Kingdom’s greatest electronic monies theft ever.

As Jonathan works his firm’s most notorious and feared case, he uncovers the right-wing nationalist and Islamic partnership to assassinate Her Majesty by using Jonathan’s girlfriend, Lady Lesley, as an unknowing weapon carrier. The Queen’s demise will initiate Öbergemau, creating mass casualties on a global scale.

Time is running out.

Inspired by my Persian Gulf War combat experience, Corporate America assignments, and vast international travels, this page-turning story crackles with energy and verve, surprising twists and turns.

HarperCollins’ editors described The Öbergemau Key as “a swiftly paced, action-packed international thriller that invites comparison to Robert Ludlum and Ian Fleming.”

 
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angkor wat, auschwitz, bangkok, belfast, born again, bosnian croats, british national party, buddhism, cambodia, christian, crucifixion, death camps, ...

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CHRISTMAS EARLY MORNING

 

חג המולד מוקדם בבוקר

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ludwigsburg, Germany 

 

 

A BRIGHT FLASH, NO SOUND, crushing impact, instant pain. 

Body collapses, heart races, impact barely recedes as spurting blood in moonlight melts through fresh snow. Sliding down against a blackened, smooth gravestone after knees give way, the breath fast exhales, it hurts like hell, a twisting in my side that gathers strength. Below freezing and the shiver on my lips spreads instantaneously, helping my fast transition into a corpse. 

So much for hoping that if a day like this came, I’d be able to leave with some sense of dignity and decorum.

Though I have Hazenfelder in my sight, I just cannot pull the trigger and instead watch in slow motion as his muzzle turns on me, because the idea of killing a man weighs heavier on my mind than in my hand. Lesley made me promise never to kill again, that the eternal sin outweighs the temporary gain and because of that, he gets the drop on me. 

    An abdomen knot tightens, hard to breathe.

Through blurry vision, in the far distance, beyond the grove where the black iron fence stops, the familiar silhouette of a small castle tower sits high on a hill under a clear winter sky infused with twinkling stars. As a younger man in the army and stationed nearby, I ran there regularly for exercise. Another lifetime, when I had the world before me; but time flows even if we are not paying attention to it, too wrapped up in our schedules, quiet conflict, overt dramas, the next distraction. 

The constriction continues its slow assault

Nearby, the coloured bulbs blink along the hedges and windows of the long block of squared beige apartment rows where our informant said the target would spend the night. Even the poor in this world are celebrating this day. Our wealthy fugitive thought hiding among the dispossessed would disguise him long enough to get away. But as greed commits him to steal the money, cash induces someone else to talk.

The exquisite pain turns onto itself.

Peace on earth, goodwill toward man indeed.

Early Christmas morning when the Lord and Saviour is born and I am lying in an ever spreading pool of my own blood, the irony not lost. Being in a Lutheran Church graveyard means I can discount a Catholic priest giving me last rites, not that I was much of a believer considering my mixed background.

Spyder and Bugsy yell in German telling our target to put his weapon down as they run from behind a sarcophagus. “Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!” Too late for me but not for them; they have just learned from my example. The man screams back, dodging, moving back and forth between two pillars, frightened as a caged animal.

“Ich bin nicht Öbergemau! Ich bin nicht Öbergemau!” 

He protests yet again in thick German-accented English, “I’m not Öbergemau!”

Hazenfelder is an accountant in a green bathrobe with a white half shirt that does not hide the later middle-aged beer belly or his three day beard growth, the colour matching the corona of greying, unkempt hair that is dissipating with age. Below red tartan boxers, his gray socks stick out from the glistening snow while his gold oval glasses sit haphazardly upon his face. He is the key to this whole Öbergemau mystery, would solve the puzzle we have been chasing this whole time but now I will never know.

“You will kill me!” Hazenfelder yells, defiant and scared, the sickening smile widening as he pops off a few more rounds that shatter the chilled night air in multiple explosions. “But I will kill you first!”

In the near distance, the German police’s klaxon sirens shrill in their approach, the blue klieg lights twirling above the green-white checkerboard painted VWs. It is too bitter cold for spectators so there are no witnesses to my tragic little scene.

The approaching, screaming police siren stops suddenly as the vehicle screeches to a stop. Through sweat stinging eyes, below the hill, the now hazy lights are still swirling, a distant beacon; another siren stops, and soon another arrives. It will not be long before I will be arrested and dead as the Germans will be more interested in detaining and questioning than giving first aid. But it does not matter anyway as I do not think I can bleed much more.

The blood is collecting in the back of my throat, and I taste it fully as if I am dining on my own self while the heartbeat, which revs up in the adrenaline-shocked impact, is slowly fading. The cinch tightens so sharp that breath is becoming shallower as I calmly tilt over, cheek nestling into a small drift, the snow wetting my entire body along with the bladder relieving itself.

The smartphone beeps a text from Jaya but the mortality clock is winding down.

A darkness flows around the back of my eyes, the distant images twirl around creating a tunnel.

Lesley ... please forgive me. Forgive.  

In a white sundress, she is twirling slowly around in my Paddington Station flat; her small smile emerges under lowered hazel eyes. Lesley stops and looks for my response as I breathe in her signature amber perfume while Nat King Cole’s 1961 version of ‘Smile’ plays in the background in an endless loop on the iTunes player stereo.

With his subtle velvety voice lifts just above the orchestral arrangement, Nat’s cool patina in evidence over the string bass reverberation. It filters through me, and I get lost in the song’s melancholy words. God, how truly beautiful Lesley is I realize, both in body and soul. Not many men get that privilege in life, to be truly loved by a woman without the cynicism or bitterness that years of love’s inadequacy builds up.

Slightly above me on the parquet floor as I sit on the couch, her ivory, slender legs gleam even in the half shadows of the blinds while the goose bumps and small hairs of her arm edge up because there is a small draft of cool air. The long, silky-brown hair with light blonde streaks rests just above her breasts, bordering her favourite necklace: a gold oval encrusted with small diamonds on a slender chain. Approaching her, moving my fingers through her hair, I kiss her soft lips and apply more pressure to show my emotional affection which she returns and we slowly dance pressed together tight, lost in the quiet moment.

Afterwards, with her scent settling into my being, holding her slightly by her bare arms, her smile relaxes while the gleam in her hazel eyes tries to discern what it is that I am too much of a coward to reveal as she puts her cool, dainty hands on my cheeks, her soft London accent so serene.

What’s wrong, Jonathan?

What’s wrong?

The constriction releases itself and the pain moves away, separating me from mortality, finishing its job. Closing my eyes, that ethereal passage narrows Lesley for she is escaping forever. 

Please forgive me, Lesley.

I loved you more than anyone else. And I never told you.

Senses fade, calmness enters. 

Lesley quietly smiling at me in her innocent way when she still loved me, still needed me; warmly nestled in her waning image, something violently rages, yells, pokes, hits, screams, pummels, tears, shouts, abruptly pulls me from the dwindling periphery.

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fictionguy wrote 40 days ago

This was a new way to start a novel, almostr like a screenplay, but you flit in and out of it, so it seems to work for this book and made me read on. It had a nice touch of humor in some spots that was needed. I have no doubt you will publish this. Let me know when it cones out. Good luck with this. You did a good job.

Dianna Lanser wrote 104 days ago

Jose,

I'm finally checking out your book. Sorry for the delay and now this system is on the clinker only allowing me to make short comments. I read the first three chapters. Wow... I'm really impressed with your writing and knowledge or your subject. So far the story is great - fast-paced, exciting, and very interesting. There's a bit of mystery that moves the reader forward. So I'm supposed to be written about the Christian girl in your story. So far there was just a quick reference to her and what you wrote was spot on about the Christian's call to forgive.

I'm going to give you six stars for your ability to create a thrilling beginning to what I suspect just gets even better. I'll be back to read more.

Dianna Lanser
Nothing But The Blood

J. T. Carroll wrote 118 days ago

I enjoyed reading this first chapter, it definitely pulled me in and made me want to read more. It's my favored style of writing, crisp, yet rich. I hope you won't mind me explaining which pieces made me pull up and took away from my enjoyment:

1) The opening short phrases provide a great opening, but once you get into the first paragraph, I want to know from whose viewpoint this is written. A simple addition of "My" to the first sentence in the second paragraph would do that.

2) "the breath fast exhales" doesn't read smoothly, nor is it consistent with "a twisting in "my" side. IAgain, I think that you need another pronoun in this sentence. Perhaps something like "I can't re-gain my expelled breath"

3) "a twisting in my side that gathers strength" doesn't flow or fit with the previous way you've been describing things. Perhaps something like "the twisting in my side increasing as if I'd been stabbed and an unseen hand was twisting the knife."

4) The last sentence in this first paragraph was a real stopper for me. It doesn't flow. Perhaps something like
"At below freezing, the shiver of my lips spreads through my body, as if to hasten my transition to a corpse.

5) Fourth paragraph, end first sentence after trigger. Remove and, start the next sentence with "Instead, I". At the end of this sentence "weighs heavier in my mind than the (add gun) in my hand.

I'll stop here, but if you appreciate this type of comment and would like more, contact me. As I said, I think this could be really good, after only reading the first chapter. But, you have a lot of missing pronouns, and some rough sentence structures. I'd be glad to help with.

johnpatrick wrote 119 days ago

Great read man.
I can see why it was so successfull. Just flew through the first 3 chapters. How a thriller is supposd to read. Plenty to learn from here.
Every success with it!
John
Dropping Babies.

serenalynn wrote 122 days ago

congrats. one could say I have a twisted sense of humor and even if you didnt mean to, it matched me well. the story is very well written and was a page turner.
thank you for the entertainment and congratulations again
Serena

NatashaM wrote 123 days ago

First of all, congratulations on making the Editor's Desk, and so rightly deserved! I have only read chapter one so far, but I love it. I'm a sucker for a good thriller. I like how you set the location right from the start. It invokes the imagination. The description of place and character is very well told too. I definately will be reading more.

ScottTrimas wrote 123 days ago

Loved the opening to the book. Tons of detail and very interesting. I hope to read more later on.

Eric Laing wrote 124 days ago

Simply excellent. Excellent prose told with confidence and rightly so. Near masterful unfolding of narrative...something very difficult in this genre, or so I have experienced in reading others' such offerings on autho.

Only one extremely small nit. A few word choices for the MC conflicted with his being American. 'Cheeky' and 'knackered' come to mind. Perhaps this is to show how European he has become, but, even so, I found it undermined the cedibility. If that's the case, maybe have him with more distinctive traits that wouldn't be suspect as possible authorial mistakes. Something like the manner of his cigarette smoking,choice of diet or the such.... Just a thought.

I've no doubt this will do extremely well. All the best with its and your success. Six stars...you don't need the backing.

E

AuroraNemesis wrote 124 days ago

A delicious read, with a very strong opening.
You’re writing flows well and you seem at ease with your writing style.
Our characters are first rate and add colour and dimension to your scenes.
A colourful dialogue with a staccato feel, that draws the writing on.
Good ending on your chapters lead you on to reading the next chapter
I enjoyed reading and would recommend.
Well done.

DerekTobin wrote 125 days ago

Hi Jose
This is a hell of a first chapter and I think you nailed it. Conflict and some gut renching emotion in there - I care for Jonathon your protagonist right from the off and that's an accomlishment in its self. Its easy to see how you got to the desk with this work. I particularly liked the flashbacks or images of Lesley and his heartfelt regret - I think you cooked that just right and such stuff can be difficult to balance. The writing flows and no clunky sections slowing it down. I thought this one line:
"years' of love's inadequacy" doesnt need the possesive on years'- just - years of love's inadequacy
It occured to me that if he promised not to kill - could he not have just shot to wound or incapacitate him rather than a kill shot? Just a thought and Im sure it would depend on his character and skill with a gun - which you obviously know better than me. I get hints at his character being honourable and gentlemanly through his thoughts and this gives him more depth. Overall not many crits I know but I felt it was a great start to the story with a brilliant hook. I will def be reading more and commenting further as things occur to me. Well done Jose.
Derek

Milorossi wrote 125 days ago

Interesting, shit!
But Let's hope I don't a chrismtas morning like that

ella's heartstrings wrote 381 days ago

I see the book isn't getting much activity. I'm back on the site, a bit Contrary as always, will try to give the book another look after I've finished more edits. We Texans need to stick together. And this comment should hit your email inbox, will remove after I hear back from you and you read my message. PS -- could you send a little rain down south in my direction?

Mary

Freya Pickard wrote 437 days ago

Explosive start. I like the stuccato present tense. It drew me into the action and I felt I knew the narrator well, almost immediately. Your powers of description are excellent - not too much but harsh and vivid enough to paint a truly real picture. This isn't my normal type of read but it held my attention.

Saint wrote 557 days ago

Dear Jose
Wow, what a beginning chapter! Well done. In chapter one I see you prose and hear your voice. The action starts right away and each sentence is packed with punch and description and we learn so much so soon. You capture the reader as your protag lays almost breathless. We want to breathe for him. I see why this book is ranked...or was ranked...I'm not sure how this all works yet. I hope to get back to chapter two soon.

Of course we want to read on because we need to know what happens. The only thing I thought was strange was how Jaya texts him and he knows it. If he was chasing someone wouldn't his phone be on silent? If so, how would he know that a text came through?

Have a great day!
Michelle (WILLOW)

Jessica L Degarmo wrote 559 days ago

I wanted to pop in and let you know that I read the first chapter. I'll say that it is quite good, and most certainly action-filled, but I also wanted to give you some of my impressions as I read to help you polish this further:

In this line: "He would solve the puzzle we have been chasing this whole time but now I will never know for the blood is collecting in the back of my throat, tasting it fully as if I’m dining on my own self.", it's a little confusing when you get the the part where the character is tasting the blood. The way it's written, that little section doesn't follow the same pattern as the rest of the sentence. You are relying on the I there (I will never know) but it doesn't work. I'd split up the sentence there and say, "I'm tasting it fully as if I'm dining on my own self." or say and 'I'm tasting it fully, as if I'm dining on myself."

In this line, "The pain cinches on itself making grunt out from the exquisite pain turning on itself", it reads a little awkward. Is the pain paking him grunt? Did you miss a 'me' there?

I think that there are a few instances when you are describing something, you use the instead of his or my. It almost distances the reader, I think, and jars, just a tad.

Overall, I think you are to be commended. I'm not sure if this was accidental or not, but the way some of the sentences were slightly disjointed and fragmented, it actually gave credence to the character's pain and suffering and was very atmospheric. After all, a man who's bleeding out probably isn't going to have the fortitude or ability to think completely clearly at all times.
I also wanted to say that the first few paragraphs reminded me of a WWII or WWI book with Germany, war, etc. It was not what I expected when you mentioned an Iphone! Kind of made me smile. Your work is evocative of that, but I guess some things never change, and war, murder, etc., no matter what the tools and weapons, is one of them.
So, my hats off to you and your review! I hope that you go far with this work.
Regards,
Jessica L. Degarmo

SChamblee wrote 582 days ago

Hi,

You asked me to look at your book and consider how you handled Christianity in it.

First off, I thought you were respectful and rather honest and realistic in how you handled everyone and their differences.

There's a few things I think you might consider, though. I'm not sure that the Church of England would call it 'born again'....though I must admit I don't know that for sure.

Usually 'born again' is a term used by the very conservative. It was rather vague how the Lady Lesley came to her beliefs. I didn't get that, and don't know if you want to be a little more specific about it?
One big *big* thing I was concerned about - a born again Christian would not have slept with her boyfriend so casually. It is still very much considered wrong to do that outside of marriage. Of course, this would be mitigated some if she was not taught much about her Christian faith. I'm not saying it could never happen - just that if it did happen with a dedicated born again Christian, she'd have great, deep conflict about it. I understand that your book partially hinges on this....it's just something I noticed in regards to her being a Christian.

I'm wondering too - if a Christian asks a Jew about Jesus Christ - doesn't that offend the Jewish person? I know we're very careful in this regard, because most Jews consider it extremely offensive. Of course, I'm not sure I got how dedicated your MC is to Judaism, so that point could be moot.

I did get the sense that the fact she was a Christian was almost like an afterthought - except when it came to her making him promise not to kill people. This was the only time I ever saw her being passionate about her beliefs. That and the first time they meet and her asking him about Jesus is mentioned almost in passing.

I guess to me if she's a dedicated Christian she wouldn't be dating a man who isn't also a dedicated Christian. But I see that you really can't change that part - it can and does happen. But if it does there are more discussions on religion, or at least a discussion about agreeing to disagree - purposely steering clear of it.

Sorry about the ramble through my thoughts - I hope you don't mind. I thought you handled all the religions in your book respectfully.

Any of the things I mentioned you could just explain away with the fact that when people decide to do something they're usually going to just do it. Sometimes they don't follow all the tenets of their religion, etc.

:)
Sherry

HannahWar wrote 590 days ago

Congratulations, indeed excellently written, beautiful details, elegant sentences, poised word choice, so completely on top of your writing. The only difficulty I have with this first chapter is that a heavily wounded man does not think in beautifully crafted sentences and clear images. It asks for unfinished, chaotic thoughts and interrupted images which usually demand a more unpolished style with wild, staccato sentences. But then again, perhaps I didn't read enough and you wanted to portray a thoroughbred gentleman even when he's at the point of death. The best of luck! Hannah

NMott wrote 614 days ago

Hi, read you were after feedback.
Couple of tips. This is told in the 1st person so you don't need to put his unspoken words in italics - it's self evident to the reader it's him.
Secondly try to cut down on the number of words ending in '-ing' that you've used at the start of your sentences. It bugs the agents.
Good luck,
NaomiM

David Hough wrote 622 days ago

A great thriller, Jose. It captures your imagination from the start. I must stop here, so I've watch listed it so that I can enjoy the rest later.
Good luck with this one.
David Hough
The Ghost on Warlock Hill

Stark Silvercoin wrote 624 days ago

The Öbergemau Key has one of the best openings I’ve read so far on Authonomy. Author Jose Carlos Cavazos wastes no time in bringing readers right to the heart of the mystery. I found myself caring for the main character as he lay dying, even though I never met him before. I was glad when this didn’t turn out to be one of those books where the lead is dead and then there are a bunch of flashbacks. The opening is really cleverly done. Reading onward, it seems that Cavazos is a great mystery writer as well. This book moves between being a thriller (again, one of the best I’ve seen here) and a mystery that is both complex and realistic. In short, it’s a great read. My only comment beyond that is that I never figured out the significance of the Arabic symbols at the top of each chapter.

Terry Murphy wrote 624 days ago

Dear Jose,

Great title, great cover and clever use of language. Intriguing opening too.

Bravo on reaching the 'Desk' and good luck with your HC review.

Terry
Weekend in Weighton

lj reads wrote 628 days ago

You've obviously worked really hard on this book. Whew! I'm impressed!

La Marmonie wrote 629 days ago

This is my first time on authonomy, so I just read two chapters. Very nice prose in Chapter One. I really like it, apart from the cliche in the first paragraph, "hurts like hell."

Looking forward to reading more.

Good luck.

Marilyn Rodwell

Shieldmaiden wrote 630 days ago

Sorry it took so long to get to reading the book. But congrats on making it to the editors desk! I read the first two chapters and I thought they were excellent. I especially like the two bodyguards. They're charming. :D The whole narrative of the story was very well written, and I hope you make it into publishing. I wish you all the best.

--Shieldmaiden

Daniel Escurel Occeno wrote 631 days ago

Congratulation!

Daniel Escurel Occeno – danielocceno@ymail.com (Pen Name: Enrique Gubat)

silver-gypsy wrote 631 days ago

Wow... powerful first chapter. I couldn't stop. I liked the use of the german... it's interesting because I'm taking German this semester and I could actually read and understand it. :)

There are a couple of typos, but nothing really bad. Altogether, a solid read. Backed.

Nichole

TMNAGARAJAN wrote 631 days ago

Congratulations
TMN
"NEVER LOSE..."

RJEK wrote 631 days ago

Congrats man! Good luck to you.

Randeep wrote 632 days ago

Congrats and best of luck!!

naveennayar wrote 632 days ago

Congratulations, God Bless You:)-Naveen.

SingingOwl wrote 632 days ago

Congratulations!

ccb1 wrote 632 days ago

Jose, Congratulation!
CC Brown
Dark Side

rumbot wrote 632 days ago

This is a neat concept. I think it could play well in various venues. It might need some editing, but that is fine.

Tom Balderston wrote 632 days ago

Congratulations on your Selection. May it bring you to the masses.
Tom Balderston
The Wonder of Terra

John Meeks wrote 634 days ago

It's difficult to comment with confidence since you've had to take down so much of the book. I understand that necessity but it leaves me a bit in the dark. I only have a couple of questions:1. Why wouldn't Lady Lesley tell everyone that there was no risk in storming the cabin at the end? 2. Sometimes your first person exposition sounds a bit forced. There are things that must be explained but perhaps you could do it with dialogue occasionally or try to make it sound more naturally part of the hero's musings.
The plot sounds involved but interesting and I wish I had been able to read more of material related to the world views. I am sure that adds a lot of texture and depth to the action.
You clearly deserve your high ranking. I back the book for sure.
John Meeks, Bogey's Final Gift

Karina_Evans wrote 635 days ago

It's a shame I can't read at least the first chapter, as this would help with becoming accustomed to style etc. I've backed this book, as I very much like the detailed way that you write, although due to time constraints, I read only a few pages. With regards to punctuation, it's a personal thing, I probably over-punctuate and some people use it sparingly. Whichever, whatever, I don't think it's anything to worry about. I hope it all works out for you.

PS. I would much rather a spam message than a spam comment, just for future info.

Peter Wild wrote 635 days ago

One of the most accomplished pieces of work on this site. No real nit-picks (there is never any need to add 'watch' to 'Rolex', nobody is ever happy to be wrong, so everybody is always 'sorely' mistaken, etc) Backed for sure.
Peter Wild
Double Action

Jasmin Star wrote 635 days ago

Your plot is exciting and the characters' dialogue runs naturally. I haven't read all the uploaded chapters, but I do have some comments. Some of the sentences run on a little too long, and I noticed sentence fragments separated by semicolons. Try restructuring the long ones by creating new, shorter sentences from them to contrast with longer ones. The sentence fragments would sound better if completed, although some are okay if you use them sparingly as a deliberate writing technique.
In the sentence, "Sean being the good son that he was..." you should add commas after "Sean" and "was." Also in the same sentence, "parents" should be "parents'."
'He created a trading firm organized as a partnership but ran like a corporation," makes it sound as if he ran like a corporation.
"There is almost an indignant sneer his face," is missing "on," and I think you meant "I reply in a [sly] smile."
"He is no gentleman, that one is. Kisses and tells, he will." In this the identical consecutive sentence structure sounds a bit repetitive to me, but if you like it that way, I think "kiss and tell..." would fit better with the last sentence, since you are mixing present with future as it is. The story needs some re-editing, but it looks like it will make a fantastic and suspenseful book when published. Best of luck!

Jasmin

Peter Wild wrote 636 days ago

I'm backing this on the basis of a strong, highly original story line and well-edited writing. Best of Luck!
Peter Wild
Double Action

csandersen wrote 636 days ago

I like your premise. This is well-thought out. You've obviously spent time developing the ideas. It's appealing, but is not in my usual choice genre so I can't give much feedback other than to say the story sounds interesting, and I wish you the best of luck with it!

Backed,

CSAndersen

tudor wrote 636 days ago

I can't understand this book. It is written in broken English. eg "An fatter, older woman" This novel is riddled with these type of sentences. English is obviously not your first language.

Bonofied1 wrote 636 days ago

I have read through several pages and,while I don't have time to read everything yet, I have enjoyed it! I would definitely buy this book! I want to know more!
BACKED WITH PLEASURE!

Cheryl A. Thompson
'Whispers From My Heart'

AmberSparks wrote 638 days ago

Really intriguing book and very interesting story plot. And I love the short pitch!! I hope it gets published. And I love the name of the protagonist, "Jonathan Templemann". It is "fraud-ish" and also unique? :P

Love,
AmberSparks

Rachel Waxman wrote 638 days ago

Your premise sounds great! My only suggestion relates to sentence length. Since there's so much information packed in here, I think things might be clearer with shorter sentences. The back story sections especially could use some breaking up.

Good luck!
RW

Eliza Bushn wrote 639 days ago

"If you are looking for suspense, action, and a solidly written read, then pick up the Obergamau Key and get enthralled for days." Fully developed characters woven into the tapestry of a mystery. Nice Read." Eliza Bushn

TheBeard3 wrote 639 days ago

J.C.

Since you were bickering at me to back your book, i came here looking for a failing manuscript seeing as you sounded desperate and needing help... truth is, you don't need help, it's a compelling read. I skimmed through a few end chapters and i like. I am not an avid reader. infact... i don't read at all really, my three favourite books are the only books i've ever read. but yes, you're book is definitely backed for sure.
A very clever idea and well executed.
Andrew.

Deanna Lie wrote 639 days ago

Commenting in response to your "spam" request... So, the posted chapter 3 is the first chapter, correct? A bit of a heavy start with too much exposition. Jumping ahead to the first person narrative section showed improved flow. I gather this book is in a position here to have one of the publisher's editors look at it? If so, I strongly suggest a solid proofread first. There are numerous punctuation and grammar errors badly interrupting the reading. Read aloud the second sentence in the paragraph starting "He is thin..." as an example.

Derryl Flynn wrote 640 days ago

Hi, happy to put your book on my WL, for what lookslike a complex but compelling story. New to the site & ploughing through a deluge of messages & comments. Good luck on the Ed desk. regards, D.

A Novel List wrote 640 days ago

Hi I have briefly looked through the synopsys of the first few chapters, and read some of what follows. This seems to be a complex and involved story for those who have a better understanding of the financial world. That's not to say that this isn't a work that I would enjoy reading or find interest in.

Wishing you seuccess

Almost_Lady_Onogoro wrote 643 days ago

I missed your first chapters :(
I'll content myself with the synopsis....

Is there another book? James Bond films never end. You could keep going forever too and thrill us all :)