Light and Shade

I just read your prologue and skimmed over the 2nd chapter. I promise to be back for more though. I'll comment as I see fit. I'm not an expert on grammar, so I won't be commenting on that. Really nice opening, loved the contrast in how he thought of himself and actually was. You use descriptions well and the dialogue seemed well paced and natural. You kept me wanting to read more. As another authonomite told me once, "What more could you ask for?" Looking forward to seeing where this goes. Best of luck with it!

Ashley
"Maddy Hatfield and the Magic Locket"

Great storytelling, with smooth narrative and great dialogue. I love the gossipy conversation in chapter 1, and the accents...even if others don't. You've set the stage for intrigue and mystery very well. Backed with pleasure!

Craig Ellis
The Sun and the Saber

Hi Nora
A great start - I got absorbed in this totally right from the beginning. A classic mystery with a difference. Some really visual writing as well.
DP Walker
Five Dares

Nice pitch, and inviting prologue, and from what I've dipped into it reads well as an early draft - the story is coherent and complete, and there are only the occasional jarring moments where I got dropped out of the story and back into reality again. Those will be ironed out by the sub-editor/publisher when it comes to shaping things up for publication. The only other comment is the accented dialogue. Provided you telegraph it early enough then fine, but some publishers/agents don't like it for whatever reasons they may have.

All in all, though, I really did enjoy reading this, and felt it worth backing.

Nora,

Many years ago (well, it seems like it), I promised to read Light and Shade, but various projects have kept me away from the site for much longer than I expected. I apologise for that.

I'm now back on a more regular basis, trying to catch up on promised reads, so here goes!

Good prologue. We're quickly into the action and meeting our first character.

There's some phrasing which, to my eyes/ears, seems a little awkward in the paragraph starting,

The students having departed . . .

in chapter 1 (Authonomy 2).

. . . their boss mechanically and methodically . . .

mechanically sounds rather too robotic, but I think it's acceptable if you use,

. . . their boss mechanically but methodically . . .

And in the next paragraph,

. . . thought Sheila the businesswoman.

You don't really need to mention her name again. You've already done so in the preceding chapter. Perhaps,

. . . she thought, as the businesswoman within her surfaced.

The little hawthorn-hedged road . . .

Good use of alliteration, but little? Perhaps narrow?

In the next scene, despite the clearly visible break indication of thee asterisks, and the fact that you specifically name Maggie, I still found myself thinking we were continuing with Sheila McCarthy from the preceding scene. OK, I admit it. My brain isn't what it used to be!

Perhaps to aid old codgers like me, instead of writing,

As Maggie and her companion reached . . .

you could use, for example,

As Maggie, Celia and the dogs reached . . .

Just a suggestion.

A little further on, I'm confused again. It's getting to be a habit, but this time I've double-checked, and I don't think it's entirely my fault.

When Celia has collapsed after stepping in the puddle, you write,

The pole just inside the gate might have been the one where they had noticed the lone electrician (or whoever it was).

However, that was two scenes ago and the reader (yes, like me) might not remember that (although, in my defence, I read that part 24 hours ago and am now continuing!!). Perhaps you could add,

(or whoever it was), during their earlier escapade in the castle grounds. ????

Oh, and one other point in this scene. When Max runs off and Celia follows him, you are briefly writing from her point of view when you mention picking her way through a mucky patch. This isn't Maggie, from whose POV you have written the scene so far, seeing her do so and describing it since, as we soon discover, she is walking on, and not looking back.

Finally, for this bit, I think you can cut the two uses of had in "Maggie had walked on, . . . " and "Max had returned, . . . ".

I'm going to stop there for now. I have seen enough to feel this shows promise (despite my comments) Chapter 1 continues well from the prologue. There's plenty going on as you set the scene for what is to come. If I get a chance I shall read more. Meanwhile, backed.

All the best with this,

Neil.

Nora
I can see all of the action as I am familiar with the sodden Limerick landscape. This is nicely done and Tim is a well-formed character.
Frank

I like how you've got the Irish speech patterns in the dialogue without going overboard. The prologue is a good hook, then you have dark doings in the first chapter, which is going to keep the reader interested. Backed.

I confess I found the prologue a little confusing (but then I stupidly hadn't read the pitch first).... but once we're into the chapters it flows really nicely. There must be crime novels set in rural Ireland but I haven't ever come across one (not that i read huge amounts of crime) so this was very pleasing. You give a strong sense of place (which I love) and your characters seem real and believable. Intriguing premise and yup, I'd buy this for a long journey....or for a winter's evening by the fire.
Backed.
Jane
WALKER

Really great ending to the prologue, I had to read on. This is great fun with all the superstition and mentions of luck. I think it is well written and it moves at a good pace. The writing is interesting to read. I am not a big fan of crime stories but I did enjoy your story and I will back it with great pleasure.

Tony

Nora,
You have an interesting story working here, but it seems a little slow to get started, I kept waiting for something to explode then it did, poor Celia electrocuted. Your writing is very good and you paint beautiful Irish pictures with your narrative. Your dialogue is crisp and natural. This is a fun read, good luck with it.
Steve Ward
Test Pilot's Daughter: Revenge

I found this fairly engaging. Though was confused as to what the hell was going on in the opening. I liked the flow of your paragraphs, the story moves along at a even pace that is both fluid and very sharp. It allows the reader to know what they need to know at that moment. Nothing more and nothing less.
I found myself speculating as to what was going to happen later, which is a good sign, it meant I cared enough about your characters to want to know what was in store.
Backed. T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

immediately engaging, with rich foreigners in the crosshairs, despoiling the irish countryside ...

(*niggle: layout of pitch is a bit dense – maybe put some white space in?? – but intriguing nevertheless)

a castle built upon a fairy ring, bringing bad luck, a familiar folklore behind the unexplained accidents as the building is renovated – and yet we sense the mystical may be being used as a cover for something more human and deliberate

the archeological references were enjoyable . & digging up the past is a little like putting together the puzzles you so enjoy .

this is an engaging read, with strong characterisation, authentic dialogue, and a finely evoked spirit of place, all of which brings out a sense of richness .

i am backing this and wish you well with it

freddie
("honour")

Hi Nora

i disagree with your reservations I found the beginning very gripping with all the ingredients neccessary to make me want to keep reading on. The second chapter also was well crafted, so I have no reservations in Shelving this for a period.

Anthony
('Houses of Sand')

Light and Shade is a very good story, and I have no criticisms to offer. You like puzzles and you are an English teacher - and it shows! Backed,with my best wishes.

This is an interesting and competent who dun it. I came across the occasional sentence that I would have divided up, but that was my only criticism. Backed
BADD

I think you hack right into the meat of the story rigt away. Good move. There's a lot of talented Irish writers on this site. I've found another. WL.

Hello Nora,
Your pitch has plenty of mystery to draw in potential readers. The opening scene is also compelling. The plot develops nicely, with little time wasted in scene setting or character descriptions. I think you have already had some good comments on technical points, so I won't reiterate them. Shelved and good luck.
Tony (Sirocco Express)

Hello Nora,


The story is plain brilliant. I read the prologue and two chapters so far and liked the way i got pulled into the story. It flows smoothly, you used the right choice of words, your dialogue a and narrative are effective and you were plain wonder in your descriptions. The unfolding plot appears to hold something even more gripping as I read further. Overall, this is a well-written story. Rightly shelved

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Nora
I've now read the first three chapters at a more leisurely pace and I'm enjoying the tale and the characters. I see you have already had quite a lot of clear and constructive comments on language below - I'd go along with them, I think you need to edit some more and tighten up here and there. Definitely lose the authorial comments in brackets. The pitch promises plenty of twists and turns, if you deliver these then I'm sure the book could do well. Good luck with it. Anne

A dense and layered plot rise this above most crime fiction that I have seen. There is a real literary quality to the writing and the different strands of this puzzle are highly inventive. It has an original feel to its subject matter and plotting. The writing and dialogue is tightly produced and this is a novel you want to sink into for a good few hours. Shelved with pleasure.

This is a very convoluted story. There is a lot for the reader to digest but it is nicely done.

Good set-up in the prologue, and then you continue the air of mystery. I love the interactions between the two women friends. This promises to be a great read. Shelved, of course.

However, before I go, I do agree that some places are unclear...I'd take Cait's suggestions to heart.

I, too, like reading about Ireland...never been there, but my ancestors arrived in Canada from the County of Cork in 1850...there's still a draw.

If you haven't read Tnuth by C.P. Hoff, you simply must!

Cheers,
Sheryl (comment on mine? backing optional)

This is very well written.love the puzzles you know early on your in strong hands. you need to read this book .like the detailing music archeology. a really goob read. must back this one.

I've read the first four chapters, Nora. This is an intriguing mystery! You say you like puzzles (I do, too), and that certainly shows in your work. There's a lot going on, and the reader needs to concentrate - and that's no bad thing!

Your details of archeology and of music are well done: authoritative, but not heavy-handed. And your descriptions of place are specially nice.

I've enjoyed what I've read so far, and am shelving this.

Light and Shade

Nora, it’s nice to read about another part of Ireland, especially to a part I’ve never been to. :-]

Not sure if I’m reading the pitch properly, though. Is the rock band employing Tim the gárda to investigate the death? Is he doing so on the side, and not through the gardaí síochána? Was a bit confused there.

Okay, onto the story now. Interesting prologue, but a question here, also. Is Aidan and the girl protesting because the rich foreigners have white-washed the castle? I’m assuming this is the ‘latter’ you’re referring to?

Also, where had the girl (or the boys) painted the slogans? At first, I had thought they were spray-painted on the castle walls? But that would mean the very ones who were protesting were the ones who were really ‘despoiling’ the countryside, themselves? O by the way, when you talk about the ‘building’ I don’t get the image of the castle, more of an office building? How about the ‘once stately residence’/ridiculously modernized fortress/stronghold? Or something else?

…One of the people she had seen going in and out (of the building) earlier in the day. - Don’t think you need to mention ‘building’ again as you already have it in the same paragraph?

…It worked satisfyingly, and she was able to begin pushing the heavy door open. Would you consider – and she was able to push the heavy door open. Or, …and she eased the heavy door ajar? Not too keen on ‘satisfyingly’. Don’t think it’s needed?

Good ending to prologue. Must read on…

Aw, I was expecting ch 2 to continue with Aidan and the protesters but obviously it’ll fit in somewhere further ahead...

I think there are several words you could erase in this chapter without affecting what you want to say, here’s just an example…(generally) known locally… their (respective) dogs…

I’m assuming dock is the same as docken leaves? At least, that’s what we always called them.:-]

Haha, the tree Maggie’s talking about is a fairy tree. ;-} And she likes her fags and the Tullamore? Bet she goes to bingo, too!

Dialogue is so natural between these two women. I’m traipsing behind, listening to them.

But chapter one feels as though it should be two chapters, finishing here? - Pulled by Trudy and Max, the two women headed back towards the main road.

Question here, also. Does the above scene with the two women take place after, or before, the prologue scene? I’m thinking it’s before, as the castle isn’t whitewashed at this point?
***
UCD. Where Joyce studied, right?

Not gone on the stuff in brackets, especially the exclamation marks! (midsummer was nigh!) and (Obviously keeping costs down! ) I always think comments in brackets feels like author intrusion.

… continuing (on to her) home…not needed?
***
Ah, now we're back to Maggie and Celia. Not too sure about the middle part with the students. I was enjoying the two women then that part seemed to pop in like an unexpected visitor. Wondering if it would go over better if you removed it and made it chapter three, or somewhere else? All you need, eh? Darn conflicting suggestions from me. Just ignore me. Everyone else does.:o.

But I must say you write very well, dialogue sounds real, and you bring the characters and landscape to life. I’ve walked through a hawthorn-lined boreen many times, and when I get Muckers up again you can walk along one also, with Claddagh. ;-}

I’m dead interested to find out if Aidan had anything to do with what happened at the castle, and I will read on, but I have an early start in the morning so another time. Will definitely shelve this.

Sláinte,

Cáit (Muckers)

Dear Nora,

Suggest that with the long pitch, you divide into paragraphs for easier reading. This is your sales pitch and you want people to easily view it!

The opening's a bit convoluted. Perhaps "battlements" is throwing me off. "The latter" – wasn't sure what that was referring to. The jacket? The guy? The building … bingo, the building.
Now we hear about King of the Castle and Aidan -- many names, without any sense of who they are. Can confuse, which is deadly. Last thing you want to do is muddy the opening and lose your readership.
The scene between Maggie and Celia could use a pruning.
In later chapters, characters become clearer. The band members, the detective. But for an opening, you need to hit us strongly with the event that sets the story in motion. Once this is cleared up, I think you have a fine story here. Shelved.

I think you have received some very good constructive criticism from Paolita. You write well, with dialogue drawing the reader into the world you are creating. You are also knowledgeable, but bring this in in a natural, unforced way. I love mysteries and puzzles, and of course the setting is of interest to me. Will back this

Your premise and pitch promise an enjoyable read, and while I like your writing style (no nits), I'm not sure the novel delivers on the pitch.

I'm at c.4 and I'm still not sure who the protagonist is (had to check back to your pitch). If you agree that this might be a problem, the solution is relatively simply, I think...Get to him faster and stay with him a little longer and the reader will know that Tim's the guy they should care about. This may mean combining prior scenes: take a look at the info you want and need to convey in the prior scenes, and see if you can introduce that info through the same character.

This novel structure thingy is a real challenge. I learned the hard way (rejection, but at least it was specific, so I knew what I had to fix), but learning the hard way has helped me to identify potential structural problems in other people's work.

Despite this suggestion, I'm backing your novel because of the overall quality of your writing and characterizations (although you could go even deeper into your characters, especially Tim).

Cheers,
Sheryl (read mine? Backing optional.)

I have always wanted to go to Ireland and reading your story makes me want to go all the more. You have done a good job at building intrigue. I have only read the first two chapter but will come back later to read more. Backed C.P.

I love the combination of the history of the ancient castle with the present day suspense. Great story, with interesting characters. I've read the first 3 chapters and hope to be back for more soon. On my shelf.

Darcia

Hi Nora, Loved the outset although I wasn’t sure who “she” referred to in “she had to admit…” She became confused with Aidan for me but after the third paragraph, I was along with her perspective. You have wonderful energy in your style, bringing in the details of your characters with their actions. It really whizzes along so that there is a montage effect that surrounds Castle Green. I went into Chapter 5, savoring the archeologist and Maggie’s shocking walk, the musicians and the worry of their breaking up. It is a little hectic but I’m sure that it leads into the plot with the recording studio at the Castle. And I liked Tim’s humble audience and the way he becomes involved as a policeman at the pub. A pulling story and very schematic! Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Hi, Nora! I've added LIGHT AND SHADE to my watch list. all I had to read was the reference to an Irish rock musician, and I was hooked. (My second novel was about an Irish rock musician.) I'll try to get to it ASAP.

Carole Bellacera

Light and Shade

Hi Nora, Good writing, interesting premise and characterisation, but I think you need to speed up the action. The first chapter did not provide a sharp enough hook for me. This is crime fiction and you are up against some pretty stiff competition out there, Rendell, Billingham, Cornwell. The gentler side of crime fiction still has its competitors, Christie probably the key one, but there seem to be less of those sorts of books published anymore. You have a good writing talent here, but when I read a book I am always trying to look for the commerical angle, writing for fun is great, therapeutic and enjoyable, but writing with the lofty aim of being published one day elevates our key tapping to professionalism (although some on this site would argue that commercialism rips the authorial heart out of many). In a nutshell I think you can write, I think you have a lovely cast of characters, I think you have a good premise, but I think you need to think about the structure. Ch2 seems to consist of dialogue designed to deliver backstory and orientate the reader, which is fine, but it also needs to propel us through the story.

Strangely this is a positive review because I think you are talented and I enjoyed the evocation of rural Ireland and the big ideas behind your story, backed, best of luck - Andrew W.

This is an intriguing plot and I've put it on my watchlist. To be shelved later.
thanks for comments on Daddy's Little Spy - Isabella

Hi Nora
Finally had a chance to look through this. It's a great story and your descriptions of scene and place really stand out. I like the way you put over the conflict between the band members. I'll keep reading!
Best of luck. Thanks for backing The Devil's Box, by the way.
BexMcK

This is as good as I was expecting from such a good poet. Characterisation, dialogue, a super pitch and wonderful local nous. I'm a big Dubliners fan myself, although I should probably be telling you that in a message, not a comment. Anyway, I really warmed to this. Considering its obvious stylistic strengths, I think it's got a really bright future. There are just so many people who love either rock bands or detectives or Ireland or all three.

Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Dear Nora, In your first five chapters, you not only lay the groundwork for a murder case, but also introduce a colorful portion of Irish geography and several intriguing characters, including your detective and members of rock band. There are also references to local history, discussions of music, and even musical performances. As impressive as the number of elements and the amount of information is the way everyone and everything is presented: precisely, unhurriedly, playfully.

This is delightfully entertaining. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Hi Rebecca,
Now that I've finally found my way round this site and figured out how it works, it's about time I replied to my first serious critic! Anyway, thanks a lot. You're right that I need to do a bit more editing.
But when I'm done with that, it still won't be as spare and fast-moving as you'd probably like. There are clues buried in all that detail that I wouldn't want to make too obvious or (alternatively) lose. It's like trying to repair a piece of knitting without dropping stitches!
But I'll try. All the best,
Nora.

Hi Nora, I've just reached the end of chapter 3, I will carry on reading it but thought I would send some comments to you.

Other than Chapter 1, chapters 2 and 3 are quite lengthy and I´m left wondering if anything has happend in them in terms of moving the story forward. There is a lot of charcater explaining, (and maybe too many characters) and exposition.I think there is room to edit.

It could be that I am jumpingh the gun and that all the information you offer, (but still think about how you could do that) falls into place as the story unfolds - I'll be the first to hold my hands up if that is the case as I carry on reading.

It is a high word count, you´ve obviously invested a lot of time into this, an achivement in itself, hats off to you,

Rebecca

Hi there Nora,
This really appealed to me, lots going on and with a well drawn detective and a dodgy archaeologist (I am one), what more could I want!? This is a good mystery, well thought out and intriguing. Tim is a convincing character, I really can see what he's thinking and you do a good job of hooking the reader by keeping all those involved as possible guilty parties. I think there is room to edit, isn't there always!? Have a look and see if you can maybe tighten your prose a bit, get rid of any words you don't need, this will get the reader into the action even quicker. Other than that, I liked it, you have a good setting and it promises to be a good mystery. SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi Nora, I've just reached the end of chapter 3, I will carry on reading it but thought I would send some comments to you.

Other than Chapter 1, chapters 2 and 3 are quite lengthy and I´m left wondering if anything has happend in them in terms of moving the story forward. There is a lot of charcater explaining, (and maybe too many characters) and exposition.I think there is room to edit.

It could be that I am jumpingh the gun and that all the information you offer, (but still think about how you could do that) falls into place as the story unfolds - I'll be the first to hold my hands up if that is the case as I carry on reading.

It is a high word count, you´ve obviously invested a lot of time into this, an achivement in itself, hats off to you,

Rebecca