Searching for Silverdream

Quite intrigued by the premise. Found your work well written, with good characterization, fluid plot and a clear style, for me anyway. Not of the mind to look for typos, so didn’t. On the whole I really enjoyed this and thought it deserved backing.


BACKED

THe first chapters voice seems to target a younger audience than your pitch. Your pitch uses words like 'indominitable' and the chapter is very simple comparativly. It seems like the pitch should match the story. I felt like my expectation wasnt met. It makes the first line of the book seem out of place instead of mood setting.
Once I got past my own expectation the book was marvelous.
However, the story is great and I think the voice is done well.

Barry,

I'm reading this because you read and commented on the lovely Dania's The It! Refugees in the last week of July. I've just read your profile and its wonderful to see stories told to kids develop this way (and that's how a lot of great children's fiction started, Alice in Woderland and Pooh Bear come to mind).

Pitches are good and you have a great story.

Straight into the work proper. An initial note on your first tab, I initially assumed that this was just a table of contents and nearly missed the first chapter below, which was not displayed on my screen. I'm not sure that a work of fiction needs a table of contents like this, but that's just my opinion.

Chapter one opens easily, it's immediately apparent that the language is right for kids. The paragraphs are short, the words simple and there's a rythmn to the prose. There's also a playfulness that I would see appealing to young girls in particular.

Minor nit pick, you have a line of interior dialogue:

"Of course," she thought to herself, "Today is the day."

I think this should be punctuated:

"Of course," she thought to herself. "Today is the day."

Further I'd also omit the 'to herself' as in most settings that's the only way to think!

There's some great dialogue between Annie and Reggie, very well done. Your chapter ends gently, something I always appreciate in children's books. Whilst most works want a hook to make the reader turn a page I think it's considerate in works that will be read by parents to their children to have endings like these, there's a natural pause at which to stop, should the parent so wish.

Chapter two continues on in the same vein introducing the last of the main characters and giving us the letter that introduces the quest.

This is a well structured work that seems to me to be perfect for its intended audience.

Shelved.

Pitch: I liked both the short and the long pitches. Clear and snappy.

I’m impressed with the idea of two princesses teaming up. Haven’t come across it before and it puts a modern twist on the story. They are empowered by their friendship, a good message for little girls.

The writing was nice and clear and the names exotic without being too difficult to remember or differentiate.

Shelved and good luck.

Made the following notes as I went along. Easy to fix.
- Use of the word sword twice in this para: “His sword clattered” and “he grabbed his sword”
- Ch2 : “Penned” is highlighted in yellow, probably a remnant of a recent edit ;-)

Wish you the best of luck with it
Dania (The It! Refugee)

Hi, here for my read of chapter three as promised!

I love the names of the horses, firebrand and folic!

I like the developing relationship between Reggie and Annie, it is fun and believable.

I really like the whole kingdom you’re creating, it is so visual, particularly for the younger readers. I can imagine it almost in cartoon with bright vivid colours…

You do a very good job of embracing all the senses…sight, smell, sound. They way you use the music to influence the character’s emotions and moods is excellent.

The race between friends is fun, and again great characterisation. Something many young ‘uns will relate to it.

I love this story, I think it could be huge! Best of luck x

Hi Barry

Sorry it’s taken so long to get to you, just back from holiday yesterday.

CH. 1: When she gets dressed, you could use more interesting words than ‘Next’ and ‘Then’.
CH 2: I’m not sure that it is actually possible to juggle with a feather, juggling is knowing where an object will be all the time; with a feather this is not possible.
CH 3: You write about along a lost chest that the lightening uncovers, but the key is just in the drawer waiting. I was surprised you didn’t make a search for the key, since I don’t believe it would just be lying around.

By your style I can see this is for children, and maybe be more interesting for a girl. An easy read, but I did find that the first chapter was a bit slow and for me didn’t seem to flow. It was just like reading a book of facts, good detail, but not much emotion.

Thanks once again for reviewing my book, and good luck with yours.

Kind regards Adrian.

Hi, I've seen this around and throught i would have a look, and I'm glad i did. This is really good and i thoroughly enjoyed it. You drop in tiny bits of history throughout the first chapter that are just enough and Annie is a likeable character. I especially liked Reggie not knowing who she was and then stuttering and all that afterwards, very nice :)
Backed,
Alison - Spellcaster

Comments on Chapter 3...

If this is to be a starter, consider losing the first clause of line because it merely confuses the reader with two names that aren't important yet.

You use "shining" at least twice, which is OK, but seems to indicate something is glowing of its own accord. Definitely lose at least one.

Try and break down a lot of the exposition and/or backstory by looking at each sentence in isolation. Ask yourself, "Does this sentence add vital information to plot and/or character that hasn't been conveyed in a previous sentence?" If not, consider discarding or pruning. By eliminating as much of this exposition, you will make it more digestible, and easier for the new reader overcome.

Chapter 1...

Ok, I'm glad you're thinking of not starting with this. Do you know how many books start with someone waking up? Consider having her already up and maybe spying some of the things as she goes about her business.

Don't think you can "smile" words, though you can say them with a smile.

Chapter 2...

Nor can you "grin" words.

Ok. Some of the info dumped on us in chapter 3 (1) could be distributed in current chapters 1 and 2. Simply introduce a bit of it as the youngsters go about their activities.

Overall, the writing still needs a bit of polishing. Consider pruning a FEW of the adjective/adverbs, particularly where you are using them in the same paragraph to describe the same thing. For instance, horses' hooves "clattered" and "thundered" in the same sentence in chapter 2. The other thing you could look out for are an excess of "-ing" words - not incorrect, but inelegant when used excessively, again particularly when they are a few in one sentence.

Best wishes with this. It's a promising beginning, and the creativity and world-building on show indicate it's worth sticking at.

Regards,

TomW

Barry,
This is an uplifting, wonderful story. It has just the right amount of challenges facing Annie and the others. I've read a lot of kids' books (I have kids), and this story would be very appealing to that audience.

My only suggestion would be that you might consider editing tighter on some of the descriptions. I believe, for instance, you describe two different floors as being polished. That's probably not needed. But this is minor stuff.

No major flaws here. It's a very good story.
I'm backing.
Mark

"Ancient Reader", thank you so much. Great catch on the two typos. (Using "Fannie" instead of "Annie" and "Silverwing" instead of "Silverdream") Annie used to be named Fannie until a PC name change was suggested. Later in the book, when Silverdream becomes a flying horse, he is renamed Silverwing. But that is later, when his companion, Storm, becomes a unicorn and is renamed Lightning.
Your other suggestion, about injecting more humor, is a good one. I did so early on, but Annie's resilience should allow her to still keep her bombastic attitude, even during dire difficulties. I'll give 'serious' thought to lightening up certain portions of the book with some additional dashes of humor.

Silverdream is a sweet and slightly scary story, just the right mix for children.

Having a princess and her friend, another princess, gather the magic relics and go off to rescue the king's stallion and Reggie--a boy, no less--is a capital way to begin! Girls to the rescue!

I read through chapter 10 and the necessary trials and travails that must show up in a quest story are well underway. This all bodes well for the mounting tension and I hope for Silverdream's rescue.

The book is a great addition to children's fantasy. I could only hope for a bit more whimsy and humor, as the kids I know and live with, delight in laughing as a way to make the scary stuff easier to handle.

Two typos I caught.

Ch. 8-- Paragraph 2 "Fannie" instead of "Annie"

Ch. 9-- "Silverwing" instead of "Silverdream"

On my shelf.

Ancient Reader

I apologize for the delay in commenting you. You have a gift for words, my friend. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

Searching for Silverdream...

C. 3 captured me again. Your timing is exactly right for the discover of the scroll, plus I felt that Saren's motivations were stronger. By George, I think you've got something precious here.

Shelved, of course, with my great wish that you will do well on Authonomy and that you'll be published.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Searching for Silverdream...

While I'm still loving this story and I believe you've hit a bull's eye on your target market, I think you could strengthen reader interest by having Annie much more interested in the horses than she seems to be.

Also, I'm wondering if you mightn't be talking down a bit to your audience, not by the words you use, but because I think you could improve your narrative drive if you have slightly deeper and more complex motivations for the characters. You say this is children's fiction, and since I know nothing about children's fiction, you can certainly discount everything I question, but the kids I know are amazingly insightful about people sometimes.

Reading on....

Searching for Silverdream...

commenting as I read along...

Your pitch is excellent. The minute I realized that Silverdream was a horse, I was hooked (used to love the Black Stallion series as a young girl.)

C. 1 is also a real treat. Annie is immediately likeable because she's not stuck-up. Your audience will like her, I'm sure.

Watch out for adverbs...agents and editors don't like them...and unless your genre requires exclamation marks, I'd eliminate them, too (they've gone out of fashion, even for imperatives.)

I'm delighted to read on ...

Wow for someone who doesn't believe in magic you create a beautiful fantasy world, amazing detail names the whole thing rings of delight and charm. My daughter will love this, backed
Michael

Barry-

This is a WONDERFUL tale! Kids will love it, and I can see it on the big screen to entice young and old alike!

Nothing to nit about your writing. Your short and long intro are very well done and your story line and dialogue moves along at just the right pace.

I love the instant friendship/chemistry between Reggie and Annie, and Karl's addition adds a wrinkle - just a hint - to it. Great job, Barry. Backed with pleasure!

Kim

I love this, i really really do! Princesses and kings are already one of my favourite topics (i'm still a little girl at heart) but add in horses and boy, it is my dream book!
You add in all the wonderful imagery, sights and smells.
This is so charming, i can imagine it with colourful pictures and on tape with a storyteller.
I love the way Annie and Reggie meet, and cannot wait to see their developing friendship.
Backing now, and I will read on for sure!

Searching for Silverdream.

This is one of the most charming and beautifully written children stories on authonomy! You are such a natural story teller, this is like a classic fairy tale. It is so magical with a blend of adventure and honor that will be lapped up by children, and the parents reading it to them! :) Wonderful characters, such an entertaining and engrossing story...fast paced with clean and snappy sentences. I adore this, truly :)

Giving you a spin on my shelf as I finally have a great TSR, and it is little gems such as this that deserve the most readers :)

I wish you the very best with this, Barry.

Melanie ~(Dreamgate)~

Love you cover, first of all. It is what drew me to your story. This is a charming tale. You are a talented storyteller and I could see this being read as a bedtime stories to children all over the world. I love how you weave together magic and a sort of historic feel. Well done characterizations. There is a depth to this world you have taken us into that makes it easy to get engrossed. Good luck!

Cheers!
Jamie (The Unlikely Witch)

Hi Barry, Annie’s eager conversation with Reggie and the regalia of the kingdom made me comfortable about the characters once the real plot began. I got a little bogged down at the jugglers and then enjoyed the finding of the old scrolls. Again, you’ve given relationship with Reggie and King Eric, and with Silverdream, before Reggie takes him to the northern stables. The old scroll had warned about the Dark Lord wanting Silverdream but did only Annie and Saran know that? I didn’t backtrack but liked the magic of the old writings. And Reggie’s comment about wild horses being jealous of the skills tamed horses have gained. Your character relationships have given the fantasy kingdom life. Shelved – Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dear Barry,
As per your request, after perusing Chapter 1, I moved on to Ch.2:
This reminds of those marvelous fairy tale princess books I read when I was a young girl. Magical and thrilling, whisking me away to lands I'd never dreamed of. With a princess just about my age, and all the happy heroine identification that goes along with that.
Ch2: nice device so that we can see the kingdom in all its visual splendor, with Annie pointing out her favorite places to Reggie. But you don't need Reggie saying "You're right, Annie." Dialogue needs to be on the spare side, so that the plot can zip along.
Wonder if you can't thread in some of the land's history in future chapters. Taking on both the environment/setting and back history is a bit much in one chapter.
It would be better to see what's happening during the Festival today, rather than reminiscences of when some juggler did this, and someone else did that. Let us see it in real time, getting their immediate reactions. Especially since so much of the previous portion of the chapter has been passive, it's time to bring Annie and Reggie into the current affairs of the day.
Note the energy changes when Karl appears on scene, engrossed in the now. It brings an energy that the previous passages were lacking.
But after some edits, you've got a light, humor-tinged adventure about a princess in a foreign land, with the language pitched perfectly to your audience -- hopefully, a winner! Shelved.

Dear Barry, An engrossing, entertaining fantasy, and the characters, equine and otherwise, are intriguing and sympathetic. I admire how you render the festival from two vantage points allowing a view in all directions: Annie’s tower and the nearby ridge. Everything—and it is everything--is seen from a distance; then there’s a shift from the visual to the auditory: “Wow, listen to all that,” and it is all that—Annie identifies every sound. Next, a shift back to the visual: “I get excited seeing all the activity.”

The panorama and the auditory accompaniment result in an immediate and comprehensive view of Celandria on festival day: this is very skillful, efficient “scene setting.” Then, as the characters proceed to the festival itself, the shift is from a series of “long shots” to a series of “close ups” until finally we meet Silverdream as Reggie’s powers as a horse-whisperer are revealed.

I’m sorry to spend so much time on your story’s structure, but I’m impressed by it—as I am by its other features: I’ve already mentioned the plot and the characters, and I also admire the rich imagery and the natural, sometimes humorous dialogue. I’m enjoying this, and I’m sure others will too, especially younger readers. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Barry
I read chapters 1, 4, 21 and 22.
In summary it is great. The writing is excellent and the story interesting and great fun in teh style of CS Lewis, dare I say?
I have two comments of worth:
In chpater 4 "Slowly she thrice spoke the words" sounds old fashioned. I think it would be easier for kids as "She said the words three times, slowly."
I would then have the words in speechmarks and follow it with: They sounded like Ah'gore...The words meant: "Open my way, by command of the crown."
In chapter 22 I found the last line jarred. For me the issue is "To that" probably because "that" tends to be an awkward word. Also "herself is unnecessary. Consider deleting both for a tighter sentence.
Needless to say it is on my shelf.
Chris (I Dare You)

John Booth,
Thank you for the frank feedback of Seaching for Silverdream. Your assessment of slow plot development was definitely warranted. I had been toying with the idea of tightening it up for some time. Thanks for the encouragement to do so. The Room of Relics introduced the story’s mystical elements, yet was relegated to chapter 7!
Below is my plan to accomplish over this next week:
Thanks, Barry Mower
To tighten up the book and maintain better interest and momentum I decided to:
- delete four chapters,
- foreshadow the plot in a new chapter 2
- delete much of the extraneous description
- mostly infer history

My purpose in restructuring is to maintain a better pace and flow of plot-based action:
Chapters 1-7:
1. A Royal Friend
2. (delete) The Festival
3. Terror In The Stables
4. (delete) The Quest
5. (delete) Serenity Comes To Celandria
6. (delete) Meeting At The Garden House
7. The Room Of Relics

Restructured Chapters - Objectives:
1. A Royal Friend - Introduce 2 of 5 MC
2. (new) The Sacred Scroll of Serendip - Introduce the story’s mystical elements
- Introduce another MC
- foreshadow challenges
3. Terror In The Stables - Introduce last 2 MCs
- Character dev.
4. The Room Of Relics - Fully set forth the riddles and the quest

Hi Barry,
You write at the right level of clarity for your target audience, which is always good to see. Though I think your background notes are unncessary, readers are rarely interested and provided you know where places are, the readers don't need to. There's a massively detailed chronology in Shaddowdon going back about a 1000 years and getting days and dates absolutely accurate, but that's only for me so that everything is self consistent.

The thing that struck me about your story is how little happens in the first few chapters. Young children need things and events to catch their imaginations, either thrilling or funny. They need a reason to read on. I think you need to create some conflict at the start, Annie not wanting to go, a funny incident with a cat or dog, an ancient prophecy spouted by an old crone, that sort of thing. The start of any Disney film will show you what I mean.

Your changes of Annies name has created some amusing anomalies. There is a stammer that now reads 'F-Annie'.

Cheers
John

SimonW,
Oh, shudder! Whom is removed. Who knows where that came from!
I tried to cover the regal side by naming her Princess Andromeda. Annie is just a nickname. Perhaps my American ears just can't hear the disconnect. Here a princess is more akin to a fairy or a leprechaun than an actual part of society. I suppose to a Brit's ear Fergie is more regal than Annie.
Thanks for the feedback,
Barry Mower

Very good work. For me the names don't feel quite right, though that's just me being a curmudgeon (maybe it's having a Princess Anne that makes an Annie not seem terribly regal - but none of them really clicked with me). However, that's a minor point. The flow is good, the pace is brisk without being too fast, the copy is easy to read and the level of language easily within reach of the younger, less confident reader. Being critical, you do need to go through and tighten it up - if agents are truly as sceptical as reputation has it, that "whom" in the first paragraph would stop any of them reading it (that's the subject, so should be a "who"; "whom" is used for the object). Overall this is a good, entertaining read and I think it should appeal to plenty of younger readers. Good luck with it.

As suggested, I looked at Ch7.

This is great fun, Barry. The writing is simple and straightforward but never dull, the dialogue feels real and helps keep the pace of the scene ticking over and I love the contrast between the fantastical elements and the familar (that breakfast wrap sounds fantastic!) My brother writes children's novels, so I can appreciate how hard it is to produce something that's both readily accessible to your readers whilst also being sufficiently complex to involve them - nicely done. I love all the cryptric clues and puzzles. Just the type of thing to appeal to younger readers. Great stuff.

I like the sound of the plot. It feels original but with a timeless, almost old fashioned flavour that I'm sure will chime with your target market.

Best of luck with this. On my shelf. A

Very good work. For me the names don't feel quite right, though that's just me being a curmudgeon (maybe it's having a Princess Anne that makes an Annie not seem terribly regal - but none of them really clicked with me). However, that's a minor point. The flow is good, the pace is brisk without being too fast, the copy is easy to read and the level of language easily within reach of the younger, less confident reader. Being critical, you do need to go through and tighten it up - if agents are truly as sceptical as reputation has it, that "whom" in the first paragraph would stop any of them reading it (that's the subject, so should be a "who"; "whom" is used for the object). Overall this is a good, entertaining read and I think it should appeal to plenty of younger readers. Good luck with it.

Hi Barry,
You write at the right level of clarity for your target audience, which is always good to see. Though I think your background notes are unncessary, readers are rarely interested and provided you know where places are, the readers don't need to. There's a massively detailed chronology in Shaddowdon going back about a 1000 years and getting days and dates absolutely accurate, but that's only for me so that everything is self consistent.

The thing that struck me about your story is how little happens in the first few chapters. Young children need things and events to catch their imaginations, either thrilling or funny. They need a reason to read on. I think you need to create some conflict at the start, Annie not wanting to go, a funny incident with a cat or dog, an ancient prophecy spouted by an old crone, that sort of thing. The start of any Disney film will show you what I mean.

Your changes of Annies name has created some amusing anomalies. There is a stammer that now reads 'F-Annie'.

Cheers
John

Jack Ramsey,
At your suggestion I made a major change to the book. I've taken the "F" word out so that it is more appropriate for a children's book. That's right, I took out precisely 400 fannies. Now, instead of the MC's name being Princess Fantasia it is Princess Andromeda. Rather than Fanny it's Annie. There should be no more worries about the gigglings of potty-mouths. Annie is certainly a time tested and acceptable name and sounds close enough to the original to seem right. Thanks for the suggestion.
Barry Mower

Barry,

Children’s isn’t my forte and I freely admit I don’t know what publishers are looking for in this genre. That said, I think the language is just about right for a target audience in the 10-13 age group, although you’ve got Reggie tagged as 16, which will make it a bit more difficult for kids in the 10-13 group to ‘relate to’ Reggie and Fanny.

However, you’ve given your readers a few great characters to get to know, great names to play with, a mission to complete and lots of places to explore, which is bang on target; exactly what children want (or so I’m told.)

I did notice a couple of sentences that weren’t quite structured correctly in the first chapter – ‘Fanny smiled to think of the excitement of festival day.’ just doesn’t sound right and could be better as ‘Fanny smiled at the thought of the excitement of festival day.’ Also, ‘Friday mornings she usually rode with her father.’ Yep, in our modern-day speak, some people may say that, but in written text the sentence would be better with the preposition ‘on’ at the start – ‘On Friday mornings...’ Just suggestions. Right, chapter One serves as a good opener, no doubt about it – roles are revealed, setting established, Fanny’s goals are alluded to, etc. Good stuff.

I then went on to chapter 13 – ‘The Plan’ (as per your request), figuring that few others would have plumped for that chapter. I’m glad you’ve managed to maintain a consistency of voice, which is quite hard to do. The flow is fine – obviously I’ve missed a huge chunk of the plot development, but the main characters still resonate with the same frequency. I get the impression, reading the subtext in amongst the dialogue, that the characters have encountered trials and tribulations, which is good – it helps younger readers (I used to be one) along.

I'd have a serious think about that main character's name though...

Overall this is very readable and I think it’ll fit the bill as far as satisfying its target audience is concerned. I’m going to back this, because imho it has a good deal of merit and it certainly is a worthy offering in the genre.

Best of luck.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

Hi Barry,

The premise is interesting. Fanny is a likeable and believable character.

It’s a little overwritten at times, but I’m working through that myself and I can say it doesn’t make the story any less wonderful.

The pacing was just right; the vivid descriptions were great and I felt drawn into the world you have created.

This was easy to read and enjoyable and the kids will love it.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Barry,

Children’s isn’t my forte and I freely admit I don’t know what publishers are looking for in this genre. That said, I think the language is just about right for a target audience in the 10-13 age group, although you’ve got Reggie tagged as 16, which will make it a bit more difficult for kids in the 10-13 group to ‘relate to’ Reggie and Fanny.

However, you’ve given your readers a few great characters to get to know, great names to play with, a mission to complete and lots of places to explore, which is bang on target; exactly what children want (or so I’m told.)

I did notice a couple of sentences that weren’t quite structured correctly in the first chapter – ‘Fanny smiled to think of the excitement of festival day.’ just doesn’t sound right and could be better as ‘Fanny smiled at the thought of the excitement of festival day.’ Also, ‘Friday mornings she usually rode with her father.’ Yep, in our modern-day speak, some people may say that, but in written text the sentence would be better with the preposition ‘on’ at the start – ‘On Friday mornings...’ Just suggestions. Right, chapter One serves as a good opener, no doubt about it – roles are revealed, setting established, Fanny’s goals are alluded to, etc. Good stuff.

I then went on to chapter 13 – ‘The Plan’ (as per your request), figuring that few others would have plumped for that chapter. I’m glad you’ve managed to maintain a consistency of voice, which is quite hard to do. The flow is fine – obviously I’ve missed a huge chunk of the plot development, but the main characters still resonate with the same frequency. I get the impression, reading the subtext in amongst the dialogue, that the characters have encountered trials and tribulations, which is good – it helps younger readers (I used to be one) along.

I'd have a serious think about that main character's name though...

Overall this is very readable and I think it’ll fit the bill as far as satisfying its target audience is concerned. I’m going to back this, because imho it has a good deal of merit and it certainly is a worthy offering in the genre.

Best of luck.

--Jack Ramsay (Brogan's Crossing)

So easy to read - quite refreshing. It is so tempting to overwrite (I am guilty of it in the worst way) Fanny is a terrific female character for kids... savy and sincere. Clever names and descriptive - but not complicated - imagery that will keep your readers in the story. all in all... entertaining and very easy to follow. Thanks... I'll place it on my shelf tonight.
Elizabeth

This is utterly endearing!

I'm glad I stumbled across it. Perfect for young readers. Easy to read, good pace, and the right amount of "white space" for young readers.

Backed. 100%

Just right. Nicely written for an easy read. Touch of magic, and a Princess or two. Then a horse. Ideal for this age and a delight to read. Shelved.

Andrew,
You are exactly right about the targeted age group. (Could be even younger with an adult reading to them.)
There is a second level to the book that is purely analogous and probably lost on a younger group - but that's okay, the parents reading to them would get it. A third level is for classroom use. I created a guide that lists and describes 100 Rhetorical forms and then gives the most simplistic example of each of them with quotes from the book, but I did drop the YA, as you suggested. Thanks for taking the time to read & respond, Barry

Searching for Silverdream

Hi Barry, The prose style is simple and easy to read, a lot happens and a lot is described in a very succinct way. I imagine this is targeted at a 8-11 year old audience, girls and boys, but more than likely more girls. It would be a good read for this age group. I think with this in mind you should perhaps remove the tag YA, this is well written but would not fit the YA genre in my opinion. Writing for children is perhaps the most difficult of writing tasks and you accomplish this well. There is enough here of originality to drive an intrigue and interest in the young reader, with enough similarities to make the descriptions easy to get a hold of. You have a talent for driving things forward with brief description and effective use of dialogue. You write very well, best wishes and shelved - Andrew W.

Hi Barry, This will do great with children. I found myself right from the start thinking my seven-year-old would love this because the sentences are simple, and you provide vivid detail. You also give insights into your characters and that makes them interesting. Good plot movement, too. Very enjoyable. Cory

Searching for Silverdream

Hi Barry, The prose style is simple and easy to read, a lot happens and a lot is described in a very succinct way. I imagine this is targeted at a 8-11 year old audience, girls and boys, but more than likely more girls. It would be a good read for this age group. I think with this in mind you should perhaps remove the tag YA, this is well written but would not fit the YA genre in my opinion. Writing for children is perhaps the most difficult of writing tasks and you accomplish this well. There is enough here of originality to drive an intrigue and interest in the young reader, with enough similarities to make the descriptions easy to get a hold of. You have a talent for driving things forward with brief description and effective use of dialogue. You write very well, best wishes and shelved - Andrew W.

Hello Barry,

I read Searching for Silverdream as promised and found it a compelling read, one that would be very appealing for the younger readership especially. The writing is impeccable, you came up with some very impressive sceneries or locations that capture the imagination, and the characters fit perfectly into the story.
The plot development can take different directions and dialogue is cleverly constructed. I enjoyed the three chapters read and liked Fanny's simplicity the most.


Yours is a book I am glad I shelved.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Hi Barry

Finally, I am here to read! I've been dying to based on your wonderful cover! This is marvellous, absolutely spot on! Your writing style is PERFECT for a younger audience. Somewhere, sometime, someone is going to snap this up. I can see this is published format with the most wonderful pictures to accompany it.

You definitely have my support. Onto my shelf for a time!

All the very best
Elaina

Hi there,
I've been looking forward to reading this because I love children's books and because I love horses, so this is right up my street.
This, I am sure, will appeal to your target audience. There's plenty going on with the magic and adventure but I also like the addition of honour, this is a good thing for your age group to read about.
Your three MC's are delightful, they are thoughtfully portrayed and each is endearing in their own way. I would like to read this out to a class.
There is an element of quest here, it's a good hook and will keep children reading.
I am not going to nit-pick the technical stuff as others will do that for you, I really enjoyed this and it's SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Dear Barry,



I have a very soft spot for children and latched onto Silver Dream quickly.

That is a full synopsis you have written. Just what the editor wants. My own is inadequate but after writing it fifteen different ways all I can do is sigh.

Nice tight writing and short paragraphs. More than inviting.

In my opinion, this is experienced children’s story-telling. Clean, brisk and fast. I emphasize this because some of the stuff here is needlessly over-written.

I’m having fun being seven years old again. Your dialogue drives the story. I’m into chapter two already and flying.

If I could make suggestions I would. I sometimes rewrite stuff for people if I see opportunity for a better way. But not here.

There is a deceptive simplicity to this which takes skill to achieve.

Searching for Silverdream is on my bookshelf.

Nice work sir. You made my ‘job’ easy. Thank you.

Go well with you writing.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Nice characters, and I'm enjoying it. One thing bothers me though. In chapter 1, I find hard to believe that Reggie doesn't recognize the princess. Perhaps, when one is standing guard, they must always look straight ahead. If he never looks down at her, he'd have a reason for not realizing who she happens to be. Would she be the type of person to play tricks on the new guards by pretending to be someone else and fooling them? That would make it more believable.