Swings and Roundabouts

Dora this is one of the most enjoyable things I've read on Authonomy so far, because you write about people, and their ordinary lives. That's what I'm interested in, because I'm nosy. Your style of writing is beautiful and your story moving. Everything a successful book should be. Backed.
Lynn

Dora, I'm only half way through chapter one - but I needed to back this before I carried on... you are a beautiful writer and I felt quite emotional reading your story. I almost felt like I was trespassing on someone's very private thoughts (but in a good way!). Jean's feelong towards Peggy and her baby when Peggy complain's about wanting a break. Jean can't imnagine how anyone could need a break from a child, where in reality evey mum, no matter how much they adore their children, feel the pressure sometimes. This is a real find - will get back to it right now!!

Love Bev,

Love Overboard & Thicker Than Water

Hi Dora,
I like your pitch, it drew me in. I like the way you use the different POV's, I think it really works, it's as if they are all getting together to tell the story. Your characters are well drawn and convincing, I particularly liked Claire who so wants to enjoy more but doesn't seem able to bring herself to do it, as a character, I feel she has huge potential. I am keen to find out how this will all pan out. Well written and enjoyable, it's going on my shelf ;-)
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Dora,
I only comment as a reader and I have so enjoyed this. Your writing style is assured and makes reading easy. I don't notice the change of POV simply because it seemed to fit the story well. Some nice originality too, I loved the biscuit dunking, never thought of people who dunk as 'risk dunkers.'!! I never dunk so I wonder what that makes me!!!
A well written human story that needs to be read, so on my shelf. Margaret (Candles in the Garden. The Spirit of the Butterfly.

Dora
This is a fantastic read. The opening is gripping and the characters seems so real as is everything else. I love your theme and the romance between and old man (sixty six) not too old these days and the young girl is fascianting.

Lovely and a pleasure to back. I can see this one moving up.

best
The Mind setter

This is beautifully written. And no this isn't a claque comment. You have moments when the prose is pristine and you have moments when your words are clumsy and confuse my eyes with your cloudy vision.

But this is beautifully written.

I see you haven't reworked it and put it back here. I'm sorry to see that. This has so much potential and has reached such a wonderful level of fruition, I feel it would be such a shame if you've lost your confidence in your ability or lost hope in your work.

Because this is good and just needs an occasional tweak.

Here's to my adding to your hope kid.

Mark R Trost "Post Marked"

I love multiple P.O.V stories and this one, from the start of your pitch to my reading of your extract, ticked all the boxes I normally look for in commerical women's fiction. Your tag of forbidden love had me from the first. Well done and best of luck to you. L.x (By the way... I love the title too. Don't ever change it!)

Swings and Roundabouts...

Great title, BTW...thematic, I assume.

This is a beautiful story and beautifully written...nothing pretentious about either, which is a damn good thing. Everything about it rings true: the characters, their feelings and thoughts, the dialogue, the memories. I think this is everything a novel, especially a literary novel is supposed to be.

I'd eliminate your adverbs...that's my only nit.

I sincerely hope this makes it to the Editor's Desk and gets published.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES

The opening is powerful enough to chill your insides. The baby elephants, the woman with no future, the thought of why people waste their lives, and then being able to identify with that need to die. Wow. Powerful. Amazing. WL.

Hello Dora,

Your pitch enticed me to put your book on my shelf and the story itself proved that I was right about it. It is a brilliant idea. Starting the story with a young woman contemplating suicide and then the timely rescue by a soft talking but brooding old man, made for a gripping start. This emotive story written beautifully around a brilliant premise has all the elements of an easy-to-relate-to page turner and has the potential to capture a wide readership.

All the best.

Janvier (FLASH OF THE SUN)

Hi Dora,

Intriguing premise. It was because of this why I was eager to read the book. Right away I was pulled in. You got right into the story. The suspense of finding out which woman it was kept me reading. I did find it strange though that she went home with the old man. This is easy to read. Great characterisation; they felt real and the dialogue felt natural. I love character driven stories and thoroughly enjoyed this read. It’s very well written.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Dora
I like this. It's a nice 'set up' with a woman on the bridge. Which one is she? What's happened?
I noticed one typo: "No[,]" he said, "but I do...."
One nitpick: I'd delete "had" from the 2nd sentence of the last para of chapter 1.
Overall it's well written, moving and looks set to be a good story.
Shelved
Chris (I Dare You)

Hi Dora! Interesting premise for a book. I like how the three women are so different, yet share a common thread. The begging of your book is definitely dramatic and certainly captured my attention. The only thing that I found jarring was her going home with the old man, in fact, asking to. He's not THAT old. Wouldn't she wonder a bit? The back and forth between David and her was good, though. My only suggestion is that the chapter about Kelly was not as active as I'd like--it could use a bit more dialogue, I think, even if it's snippets just to break up the long paragraphs. In any case, this should rise in the rankings and should prove a success with its target audience (which isn't so much me, obviously). Best wishes for this and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Swings and Roundabouts

Hi Dora, This is beautifully melancholic, unpretentious and efficient prose. The dialogue is particularly well done, the lack of excessive attribution and the natural back and forth between David and the girl. His woe hangs from him like damp clothes, a chill to the bones, what exactly is the point? Depression seeps into this first chapter, a work to be read to the sawing of a lone violin, it was written in grey, chilled words, you evoked the mood very strongly. I am intrigued, the people sing from these pages, their pain, their loss, their woe. I hope David turns out to be as decent a chap as he seems, the world needs more people like him. In short, I loved this and am backing it now - Andrew W.

Hello, Dora - with apologies for the late arrival... A good start here, m'dear. A very poignant opening, straight in with the themes of suicide and depression. Some nice dialogue too, between your MC and the old chap. The rest of the opening chpt felt a *little* rushed, as if you were trying to cram too much in to this opening gambit. Have you considered taking a deep breath and breaking it up into smaller sections? I think it could work well, you know. Something to think about, perhaps. Either way, a good little start, and I shall give you a prod upwards with a moment on the sesty shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

I love character studies and you have captured the emotion and nature of the human condition well. imo. this is mot my typical read but I will put in on the rotating shelf for a bit.

Hi Dora,

The way you write makes the pain and anguish tangible. Starting the book with two people, completely different people, contemplating suicide and then finding comfort in each others presence is amazing. You really draw the reader in and as many have already commented, make us feel as though we are peeping in on very private moments.

I noticed a few type-o's, but minor. As soon as I have space on the shelf, this is going on it!

EJ

Dear Dora,
Actually, my opinion here, I think the second paragraph packs a lot more punch. I'd consider using it as your opening. You bring up the bridge, a woman about to jump, a mystery man and something he did. Asking provocative questions that force the reader to continue reading.
That said, a tiny nit: Did you want to repeat "cold" in the last sentence of the 1st paragraph?
Loved the baby elephant sentence. Hit me hard. As did the sense of sadness surrounding the lack of children.
Fascinating, smart to keep her name unknown. Once again, you make the readers ask the question that they can only answer by continuing to turn the page!
Beautifully mournful ending to Chapter 1. We care for these people, for David and the nameless girl. And will definitely continue reading. Shelved.

Dora,

Here's my thoughts on your first chapter:

You've got a very interesting opening... I like it a lot, especially the dialogue between the man and the woman. Well done! ;)

I'm less certain about the "flashback" inserted in between the two dialogues... I'd sort of like to see the scene play out without the digression. Is the digression necessary? If so is there another place you can put it? Perhaps before she starts talking to the man?

David's section is interesting, although there were a lot of "hads" that you could probably get rid of... hads are only really necessary when you are indicating possession or when you are introducing or exiting a flashback. All the verbs in between can usually be simply past tense without the hads because the reader understand they are in a flashback.

Also you seem to have a lot of Jean's thoughts in this section... I'd try to make it clear that this is what David understands his wife went through b/c sometimes it also sounds as if Jean is telling the story, but she's dead.

You also repeat names over and over again. The only time you really need to repeat a name is when you need to clarify who you're talking about. If the entire paragraph (or three) is focused on David, then a simple "he" will do and it will make your book much more reader friendly. (Capitalized words draw the attention of most readers and so they can break a reader's focus and the flow of the text if they are used too often)

Another thing to kep in mind is that agent/editors normally frown at flashbacks at the beginning of a book. It presses the "pause" button in their mind. Most prefer background material to be revealed naturally (in mini flashbacks that reflect current events and through dialogue).

I really like your interaction between the lady and the older man... it is well done. You also have a nice ending that although its not a cliffhange does prod at the heartstrings and make the reader wonder how these two will turn out.

Overall, I like the main story live with the girl and David a lot, but I felt the flashbacks kept knocking me out of the scene. I think some of the information in those flashbacks could be woven into the main storyline without breaking it up. I'd suggest trying to figure that out, but that's just my personal opinion (though based off what I know about readers and agents/editors). Even though it has these flaws I can see a lot of promise for this book and so I'll be shelving it.

Keep Up the Good Work and Best Wishes,
Joseph

I've read the first three chapters, Dora. You have a nice, flowing style that makes it a pleasure to read, and your character studies are really lovely. I feel drawn to all of them so far - except Peter :-)

Nicely done, and on my shelf.

Dora
"Baby elephants die if they don't have enough physical contact." I'd make this your opening line.

Because the route to suicide and the thoughts of doing it is such a powerful and turbulent emotional ride, have you thought of writing the first chapter as first-person? There's a reasonable amount of dialogue so it might not be too difficult to change. I'd leave the dialogue exactly as written.

I've got as far as Ch4 and wondering if she dares to venture forward with Ben. I hope so. I will endeavour to find out at the weekend

Dialogue is the strength of your book. If possible I'd swap some of the narrative, particularly Ch4, for dialogue.

I've added you to my WL
Hope that you have the time to comment on The Tiger Game
Steve

Hi Dora,
a few random comments:
It's a very powerful opening and works well as a way to bring David into the story. Of course we're also intrigued by the girl, who she is, what's happened etc.
(Last line of para 1: and (+ not only) from the cold - sounds better to me.)
The writing is top notch and the handling of David and Jean's childless despair is especially well done.
(middle of chap 2: typo - the girl had lay (lain) on her bed for three days)
Both of the 2 chaps I read end with a good hook.
No hesitation in putting this on the shelf as a fine example of literary fiction.
Cheers,
Simon

Dora,

I have just finished reading the first few chapters of your book and I have thoroughly enjoyed it. I always enjoy reading about people and about everyday emotions that are so common to us all but are infrequently written with such depth into novels. I think your work has a massive draw and I will definitely continue reading.

I am going to put it on my shelf!
Leigh

A moving opener to this novel, starting the book on the bridge and we hear the rush of emotions in the character's head and then the chapter opens up to explain the reasons behind these desperate measures. Some beautiful, realistic writing and emotions. You have a nice touch and this should be a delightful read as these characters interact and support each other. Backed with pleasure.

Swings and Roundabouts Hi Dora,
I was drawn to your book by the pitch / blurb, and couldn't resist taking a look because you've taken the same approach as I did with mine - three characters, each with their own problems and challenges to overcome. I really like your idea of leaving it until the end to reveal which of them ends up on the bridge, and look forward to finding out why. I'm not sure how old you are, and to what extent you identify with any or all of your main characters, but you certainly have the knack of picking out the things that hurt, the things that connect people, the little acts of kindness that make a difference, and that shape everyday life and the choices people make. The dialogue sounds natural - if anything I would have liked a little more of it, particularly in dealing with some of the 'back story' of David's situation in chapter one. However, you manage to keep the reader's interest and empathy, and that's what it's all about. Wonderful!
Katie

Hi Dora,
I think this is an ambitious story and you tell it well - Shelved.

Some of the POV shifts in ch1 and 2 did jar with me. 'He didn't want to let go of her hand...' shifts the POV awkwardly between the two and it isn't necessary for the story. I think you should stay in one POV for a section (between your star marks) unless there is no other option.

Once you shift to David you swap the POV between him and Jean, which didn't work for me as this is a flashback reminisced by David. You can afford to allow David to describe what Jean was feeling without losing anything from the story and it would be a smoother read.

Ch2 should stay fixed on David in my view. It's his life your trying to describe.

I went back to our pitch when I started ch 3 and immediately eliminated Sandra, as at 30 and in a long term relationship she seemed much older than the girl on the bridge. Very few men would see a 30 year old as a 'girl'. If you want to keep up a level of suspence you need to write the age of the 'girl' in ch 1 and 2 more ambiguously.

I wish you the best of luck with this

John

Thank You Dora, you are welcome at my domain whenever you please.
So come and visit and relax and be at your ease.
You can get up when you're ready and go when you wish.
I'll gladly share what I have with you whatever the dish.
There is a saying “A leaks in the roof but the soup in the pot."
Since you're my friend you are welcome to share all that I've got
I'll tell you my poems and short stories and you can laugh at my jokes.
Take your shoes off and make yourself cozy your my kind of folks

****
It's not vanity its egomania.

Not really my type of novel, Dora but I can't help but be impressed by the quality of your writing. The prose flows well, there are some subtly beautiful turns of phrase (I especially liked 'the loneliness of Christmas' and the remark about baby elephants - so telling) and the dialogue feels real and full of character. The plot sounds original and sufficiently multi-layered to hold the reader's interest. As I say, I don't often read romantic novels but, of its type, I think this works well. Best of luck. On my shelf. A

Hi Dora, some suggestions on the pitch first– You’ve done a good job of concealing who is on the bridge in the pitch, but is this the main thrust of the whole story? Does it all lead back to the beginning and who ends up on the bridge, or does it start there and go somewhere else?

On the longer pitch I would suggest taking out the third and fourth questions about where it will leave and love, education and death, as I don’t think they’re needed.

The short two line pitch sets up the scene, and if you then led into a description of the three women in the longer scene, then move into the old man, David, I think it would work better. You could change the last part after Claire’s description to something like – “After his wife dies, David wonders what is left for him at the age of sixty three. Then he comes across a young woman ready to jump from a bridge and something unexpected happens.” Obviously this is rough, but I hope you get the idea. The repetition about who is going to jump and why isn’t needed, the reader will be asking those questions without you posing them.

Chapter 1 – it starts with a bang, a good emotional scene, but then we have a lot of back story that slows us right down and moves us away from the scene and the tension. My suggestion would be to give us some of this information in other ways, perhaps through a conversation as to why David was on the bridge and he had thought about it, the loss of his wife, how he had no family to speak of and was pretty much alone, it would maintain his sense of loss, keep her feel despair as he is not offering her platitudes to talk her down, merely more reasons to go through with it. Whilst the background info is interesting, is it really necessary? It might add weight to his emotional state, but there is a lot of it, so I would be ruthless and cut it right back. Also there is some repetition, as David then talks about his wife with the young woman at his house, so some of the details described could come out in their talk instead.

Grammar – I would suggest changing a few of the commas into full stops, as sentences run on and would make more sense if broken up. For example the first sentence could end with murky river, and start the next sentence with “The cars rushed past….” There are a few of these throughout that if you change will help with the rhythm. Also when David is talking about his wife, and his age, the two sentences joined together with a comma don’t make sense. Perhaps something like “At the age of sixty three, David had known a lot of despair in his life. The worst had been losing his wife five years ago in a car crash.” I’d also take another look at the tenses, in chapter 1 you have the young woman talking about why she was depressed in the past tense, but some of it is written in the present “…most people looking (on?) at her would see…” “…put on a smiling face with plenty of laughing…” maybe the latter should be laughter if its past tense. Dialogue – if it’s a continuation of the same sentence, it should end with a comma, so the follow on is lower case “Hello,” said John.” for example.

This is not my genre so I don’t feel confident commenting on the overall story as it is not something I would normally read, but it is obviously a very emotional story where you have invested a lot of time establishing the current mental state of all three women as prelude to the scene on the bridge. Being very familiar with people with Alzheimer’s I found the description of Elsie brought back a lot of memories and I suspect there will be moments like this through for other people. For me, the book needs a good bit of pruning, but I hope it does very well for you.

Hi Dora,

I've read your opeining chapter and enjoyed it. Your writing flowed and was easy to read. Your characters emotions well developed.

I also like how your pitch asks a question: who is it on the bridge, as well as introducing characters.

Looking forward to reading more. Shelved now.

Heidi
Turning Red

Hi Dora: I've shelved Swings and Roundabouts and here are my notes. Her eyes were welled with tears, and from the cold. What could be so bad that brought him here is perhaps not the question she would ask if she was going to jump, herself. I think she might wonder what horror had brought him to the bridge.

She was startled, not realizing (that) he had noticed her. I think you might say 'even before the even that had made her decide to end (it).' as opposed to end her own life. or maybe 'end her life.' 'She had known (that) there was something wrong...' You should do a 'find' edit for the word 'that' in your manuscript. ...'she had fooled herself into believing (that) everything was ok. 'Sometimes she felt (that) she was winning, and could persuade herself (that) she really was happy,' --in this case, I'd keep the first that because it separates all those s sounds and puts more space between the two she's, but I'd delete the second.

I notice you technique of introducing a character simply by giving their name without introduction. You might connect David with the girl on the bridge somehow, though, so the reader doesn't have to wonder. Because as I was wondering, I couldn't get interested in his story.

You might change the second 'saw' in the Peggy and Emily paragraph to watched. just a thought. It doesn't add up that Jean found it hard to listen to Peggy yearn for a break from the baby without explaining why Jean couldn't take the baby and give her a break.

You might consider shortening the backstory, make the writing tight, no extra words, condense and combine sentences, try not to repeat any information. I recommend you read aloud to see if the sentences are sounding the way you want them to. You might break the backstory up by using a short interlude before the part about the dog, have David look out at the cold water, notice the wind hit the mc in the face making her eyes water, have that remind him of the dog.

I enjoyed the comparative description of David's home. This has a very nice feel. I hope to get back to read more. And shelved. Rachael (American Clique).

Hi Dora: I've shelved Swings and Roundabouts and here are my notes. Her eyes were welled with tears, and from the cold. What could be so bad that brought him here is perhaps not the question she would ask if she was going to jump, herself. I think she might wonder what horror had brought him to the bridge.

She was startled, not realizing (that) he had noticed her. I think you might say 'even before the even that had made her decide to end (it).' as opposed to end her own life. or maybe 'end her life.' 'She had known (that) there was something wrong...' You should do a 'find' edit for the word 'that' in your manuscript. ...'she had fooled herself into believing (that) everything was ok. 'Sometimes she felt (that) she was winning, and could persuade herself (that) she really was happy,' --in this case, I'd keep the first that because it separates all those s sounds and puts more space between the two she's, but I'd delete the second.

I notice you technique of introducing a character simply by giving their name without introduction. You might connect David with the girl on the bridge somehow, though, so the reader doesn't have to wonder. Because as I was wondering, I couldn't get interested in his story.

You might change the second 'saw' in the Peggy and Emily paragraph to watched. just a thought. It doesn't add up that Jean found it hard to listen to Peggy yearn for a break from the baby without explaining why Jean couldn't take the baby and give her a break.

You might consider shortening the backstory, make the writing tight, no extra words, condense and combine sentences, try not to repeat any information. I recommend you read aloud to see if the sentences are sounding the way you want them to. You might break the backstory up by using a short interlude before the part about the dog, have David look out at the cold water, notice the wind hit the mc in the face making her eyes water, have that remind him of the dog.

I enjoyed the comparative description of David's home. This has a very nice feel. I hope to get back to read more. And shelved. Rachael (American Clique).

Hi Dora,

Further to my comments a few days ago, this is now on my shelf.

Joanna

I like this a lot. I don't read what others are commenting on at all usually, but my screen is just so that I can see Lynns comment below and have to agree about liking human interest stories. It's the sort of book that I would buy.
Shelved with best wishes
Sue (A Boy Called George) a true story.

Dora,

A very tense opening, full of emotion, but not overwritten at all. The flow into David's story is smooth and the content is moving. The way the two of them meet on the bridge is original, at least I've never read anything like it before.

This will go on my shelf tonight as sonn as I have a shuffle. On my Watch List till then.

Just one point - I don't think you are getting as many reads as you should. You've only put this in the fiction genre. I think it belongs in litary fiction and maybe romance as well.

Joanna

Like the Pitch, it sounds like a chick lit mystery.


David and Jeans life seems so sorrowful,it put a lump in my throat!

I like some of the desscriptions - tears and snot were forming in one large patch of David M&S Jumper! funny
and the descriptives Re: biscuit dunking - you know this well!


As David's story starts, it might be wise to put some Astrix ******* before, just so readers can understand that perhaps there's a page break and then again where it says 'He showed the girl to the spare room' etc

I love all the weave of stories as they go from one to the other and you write as though the other person, whose story is not being told, is actually listening to the story that is - it leads for fab reading.


Only a few things I noticed on the way, I'm not sure you need 'commas' before the word and!

Advice given to me - Some of your words have appreviated commas, ie "happier" and "over the top", "older" - first chapter. I too had a few words I thought needed appreviating and have been told/advised a few times by readers that there is no need to use them! - make of it what you will

Your story itself is powerful and the time is right for the heartache and grief you are setting. I thoroughly enjoyed it and therefore happy to shelve

Again, apologese for the delay in reading - WL's are a nightmare; especially if you've been on holiday!!

Thanks
Chris THom
Working to Motherhood

I've taken a quick read of your book so I don't get behind.

First, I think you write well and have have an interesting story. I have to admit, I find it hard to read things that are too depressing but I will come back and read more later when I have a little more time.

Hopefully helpful comments:

check necessity of all the times your use 'had'

leant? or leaned? or is my "American' showing?

I'll give you spin on my shelf.

Janet

Dear Dora
Would you be interested in swapping reads? Your book sounds more than interesting and I plan to get to it as soon as possible. My book, Prides Crossing, is also a mystery as well as a family saga. In my opinion, every kind word helps. Thanks. Edie

Hi Dora,

I read through Chapter 9. The more I read the more power this novel gains. I love the way you weave all these lives, switching from different point of views with aplomb. As a multiple narrative, this novel works well. And now I am left with the cliff hanger of Ben telling Kelly he is going to break their engagement. And then there is Sandra's relationship with Peter, which goes much deeper than she imagined. And I am wondering how the older man at the beginning of the story fits into the entire scheme.

I am going to keep this one on my shelf for awhile.

Patricia

Dora,
Wow, what a tender, poignant story you tell. The emotion of it is raw and yet so gentle. All the lonely people, the sadness they carry with them. The things people expect to make them happy in life, the unfulfilled dreams, all of these things come spilling out and swirling around when I read your story. What a great idea to keep the girl's identity a secret up front, to have David win her down from the ledge the way he did.
Wow. Dora. This is just so touching.
On my shelf.
Jeff

Hi Dora--Ah, humanity. You handle the multiple characters point-of-view deftly. And the sparse description of what characters are wearing, and their actions tell a lot in a little space. Shelved.

Patricia

Dora
Unfortunately I only had time to read Chapter 1, but got a good sense of your writing. The reader is pulled straight in and the reader quickly relates to the man and woman. We guess that the man is David, but I felt a little frustrated that I don’t know who the woman is. I suspect this is deliberate.
Some nitpicks I spotted:
Delete “and from the cold” or re-write this sentence since eyes don’t “well up” from the cold.
Punctuation: after speech, “He said/asked etc.” should be “he said/asked etc.”
Change comma for full stop in:“I know (stop) It’s Christmas…” and “…whiskey (stop) The day had caught…”
I think “David’s cream Marks and Spencer’s jumper” should be “Spencer jumper” since it’s David’s not M&S’s.
I found the comment about baby elephants a little jarring. Will this be revisited in the story? If not, my view it is a little too obscure to include.
Overall I think the writing is good and you show the reader the emotions so well that we can relate to your characters.
On my shelf.
Murray (for I Dare You)

fthe most important thing i can comment on here is how you grab the reader, make them feel what your character feels... and then never let them go. once you start this book, you dont stop. you become engrossed by feeling what the character's feeling. i applaud you for an amazing well-written book. shelved

I'll be honest, Dora - I've read the first two chapters and while I commend you on your writing, I shy away from sad stories (even if they do end well) because I am a big wuss with an emotional overflow. I cry and fret on a daily basis and therefore only read things that make me hoot with laughter or try to find out whodunnit.

I wish you all the best with it, but it's too intense for a mimosa like me.

Deborah

I thoroughly enjoyed this book because it captured character so well. It was thoughtful and feelings were beautifully expressed. I wish you well with this one.
isabella

A very good topic and so well written. My 20 year old daughter and I were talking about suicide the other day. She said that it was something of a closed subject in her generation. Too many people have had it touch their lives personally and it often feels like the only banned subject for people her age. So I think you have a go here. A moving story in a subject area that people need to think about.
Shelved,
Barbara
(The Sea Pillow)

Hi Dora, Sparely told yet with POV’s that are sympathetic. At the same time, this is almost a dissection of depression with the girl on the bridge and then David’s story. The details all lead somewhere and to the poignancies: “It felt like swimming against the flow of the river”, “her crying mechanism feeling clumsy”, and then David’s despondency about adopting – “only to be told they couldn’t adopt.” I could feel that Kelly’s upness would crash, her feeling that not wearing makeup and walking around naked were the same uncomfortable thing. Sometimes I had to re-adjust when the story changed gears with characters. This is sensitive and very engrossing! Katherine (The Swan Bonnet)

Dora,

First off, I didn't like the pitch. Still don't if I am to be honest. But, and it's a BIG but.......S&R is a really smoothly written fable. I say fable, because after reading the opening chapter (grown men do NOT sob....at least in front of the wife!) that is the best way to describe your book. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it's a compliment - at least in my mind! Lovely, in a sombre, rather bleak way. And I'm sure THAT is a contradiction.

When I was reading your first chapter I at first fell hollow, empty - which I think is because I was rather startled by the sadness of it all. Then the realisation of how much tension, I believe, underlies the theme. The gut of your story, I reckon, is, to quote from one of my books, like a butterfly struggling in wet sherbet.

I have only read a chapter and a bit, but on my shelf for the fact that it moved the most unemotional of men! Me.

Backed without a seconds thought.

Best,
Martin.

Thanks for all your comments Ceri,
Interesting insight into how someone else sees the story! Good idea about her actually jumping but I'm afraid the girl can't jump at the start because a large part of the book that follows is the relationship she builds with David, and what happens there. It does become a happier book in a lot of ways, with some muddle, confusion and love on the way.
I will try to cut some of the descriptive paragraphs down, and I'm going to post a bit more book up soon too. Probably enough to reveal whether the girl is Sandra, Kelly or Claire!
Thanks for the great input.
Dora x

Hi Dora,

What a huge amount of heartache in the opening chapters! I really feel for your characters. I want to scream at Kelly to get out of that crappy relationship and have a coffee with the young woman on the bridge. You have a great way of evoking strong emotion in your reader. I feel I know the characters explicitely well.

Does the woman jump in the end? (I know she gets saved by the old man but what happens next) Would it be stronger if she did kill herself....(horrible thing to say, I know) but it might add more suspense to the story. What drives some people to contemplate suicide is very different to someone who actually physically jumps...or really attempts it. From what I have read, all the characters have the capacity to experience suicidal thoughts...but the real mystery could be who actually acts on it.

On another note, your narrative is really good, your descriptions are simple but really warm and moving.You speak about normal people with a normal voice and the reader can really relate to this. I am one of those people who constantly hunger for more insight into the characters, I love minute details and you supply these with gusto. Sometimes the descriptive paragraphs can be over-long, physically they can be a bit daunting on the eye but also at times they could do with some tightening up. But that's just editing stuff. You have a such a lovely narrative voice and style, something I feel the reader will really connect with.

Best of luck with this, on my shelf!

Ceri (Fatty Buttons & Cinderella's Slipper)

Heartwarming stories and endearing characters. Real people whose voices sound genuine and compelling. I immediately identified because similar things have happened to me or to someone I know. I think you’ve got a great start for a book, wish you the best with it and glad to put it on my shelf.

Dora this is one of the most enjoyable things I've read on Authonomy so far, because you write about people, and their ordinary lives. That's what I'm interested in, because I'm nosy. Your style of writing is beautiful and your story moving. Everything a successful book should be. Backed.
Lynn

Dear Dora,



Ominous, that opening paragraph. Although I would like to hear her voicing her thoughts as dialogue.

She stepped a couple of paces nearer, then a few more. Otherwise step step and couple couple jar the brain.

In the opening dialogue I’d dispense with she replied’ and ‘he asked’. It’s obvious who’s speaking and it makes the dialogue flow better without the adjuncts.

Sorry for the crits but we have to clean this up. Having used the past participle ‘had’ once, don’t repeat it as it becomes clumsy. The depression had crept ……. she knew …… rather than she had known.

Going back some …… a lorry says it all …… your reader will visualize the vehicle. A (large) lorry is not necessary and weakens your writing. Try to dispense with adjectives and adverbs if possible.

Would you divide your long paras in two. Sixteen lines is daunting. Two eight-line paragraphs are chewable.

His wife (suddenly) died in a car accident. ‘Suddenly’ spoils your writing.

Don’t smack me. I do a lot of editing and these are the things I delete or correct.

Overall, your writing is long and loose and needs tightening. Simply delete superfluous words in sentences and delete superfluous sentences in paragraphs. But don’t pussy-foot around. The more you tighten the writing, the better.

Your draft is like Alexandros’s column of marble. The more he took away, the closer he got to Venus.

Your story comes alive when you give your characters free rein and they drive the story-telling via dialogue, personal reactions and interplay. Your long narrative deadens it.

I wonder whether you shouldn’t convert as much narration as possible to character sketches so the reader sees and hears your protagonists in action. On the advice of a literary agent, I have gone this route on my own stuff. All 90,000 words.


After reading chapter one, Swings and Roundabouts is on my bookshelf.

Chapter two now.

Same thoughts as above. Editors want to see and hear the characters. They don’t want to be told. You might alternate dialogue cum character sketches with narrative.

My comments are based on my experiences in being published some time ago and more recently when a lit agent briefed me for a rewrite now uploaded on Authonomy.

Perhaps when you write, meditate and daydream yourself into watching your scenes as if watching a film and write what you see and what the characters are saying to each other.

If your protagonists are alone, there is nothing wrong with having them speak to themselves, mouthing their thoughts.

Go well with your work and have fun.


Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

Dora,
I only comment as a reader and I have so enjoyed this. Your writing style is assured and makes reading easy. I don't notice the change of POV simply because it seemed to fit the story well. Some nice originality too, I loved the biscuit dunking, never thought of people who dunk as 'risk dunkers.'!! I never dunk so I wonder what that makes me!!!
A well written human story that needs to be read, so on my shelf. Margaret (Candles in the Garden. The Spirit of the Butterfly.