A new Heaven

I enjoyed this immensely. It really is very well written and I felt comfortable with this story from the very beginning, slipping nicely into the rhythms of your writing. There are so many good sentences that make you sit up and notice your skills as a writer, that this deserves a shelving. I love the way you take your time with this book, but it never loses its own sense of pace. The characters are all finely drawn and I have a really good sense of this world you are creating here. Excellent stuff.

A New Heaven...

You say this novel is experimental, but on reading your partial, I didn't see that...this is a good thing, for me, because I'm not a fan of hugely experimental novels. Can't seem to get interested in them.

Yours, on the other hand, grabbed me right from the beginning, kept me reading to the end of chapter three, and wanting more. Good job on narrative drive!

I have three suggestions which I hope will help you bump up your writing to the next level (excellent writing is a journey without a final destination):

1. avoid the Starting Syndrome (begin or start to do something; much stronger just to have the character or thing do it);
2. avoid the Watching Syndrome, unless you want to distance the reader from your characters for some reason (i.e., she watched, saw, heard, listened, etc.). Once we know in each scene whose head we're in, you can dispense with the Watching Syndrome. Makes everything more immediate for the reader.
3. read Self-Editing for Fiction Writers by Renni Browne and Dave King...one of my writing craft "bibles." Great stuff for both beginners and experts.

You have the ability to tell a story, and with very little editing, this one can be a winner.

Shelved, of course.

Cheers,
Sheryl
IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES (would love your honest reactions)

We live on in word and deed.' What a wonderful statement. You have a gentle beginning, Amna and Erde traveling through the countryside. I could feel the ease of you words. I really enjoyed this piece. A few things to consider:
When Amna talked to her fathers grave it felt a little forced to me. Like you were trying to get the back story in.
I was wondering about a few words-‘Are you ok? You've been quiet." Is ok a word they would have used back then? I'm not sure. It just seemed out of place to me. So did the word sophisticated. It seemed to modern.
At the end of chapter one Erde said if they drive all night they would make it by morning. Are you sure their horse could work all night after working all day? I don't know.

I don't want to appear critical. But feel if I really like a bit of writing, I should try to be helpful. (This may not be helpful at all, if so disregard it.) Shelved C.P

Congratulations. This is excellent entertainment. Shelved.
And there´s LOTS of it. Pity it´s not on paper yet!
Lots of luck with it.
My advice, though not worth much, Break up any longer paragraphs.
Cut any longer descriptions. Add dialogue whenever possible.
Add mini desciptions...eg. his foot itched from a mosquito bite.
Lots of luck with it....cheers.....Mikey ((The Free)

I apologize for the delay in commenting you. You have a gift for words, my friend. You'll get to the editor's desk for sure! I am shelving you for the brilliant writing you offer us readers. This is your vision in print, and the writing is spot on.

If you have not read/commented, possibly back my book yet, please take a moment out and do that soon. Cheers!
JC

So beautifully written and atmospheric, well rounded, colorful and very believable characters. I really like Amna(great name by the way!)

This is like nothing else I've read on here, so unique and different. Complete breath of fresh air! It's intriguing and definitely worth a spin on my shelf!

Melanie x

Hi Will,

I liked the character development of Amna. We learn something more about her through her actions and the descriptions as the story goes along. She’s a likeable and believable character.

“You can always visit when you have settled. “ The last quotation mark is the wrong way around.

I had to go back and check the genre as I didn’t get the sense that this was sci-fi. Chap 2 gets off to a faster pace. There’s still a lot of backstory going in the opening Chap 3 that slows the pace, but then it gets underway again.

So far I think this is an interesting read. Great character development and dialogue. It needs a little polishing but I think it has potential. All the best.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Chapter 1
Would you agree that, when they talk, there is no need to mention who speaks, especially when there are only two of them?
Example:

“No bacon, Erde?”
“…”
“Stew will do.”

And with speaking to the Elder, and so on in chapter 2 with Tolk and Corup.

Also, get rid of some unnecessary “then”.

A good story and interesting read. Backed.

Kostas
Hariklia's Icons

looking forward to read more
very interesting

Will,

Excellent descriptions that drew me in, very atmospheric. Your setting is wonderful. Your writing overall is fabulous. I really wish I had time right now to read all of this. Your pitch has me very interested to see how it will turn out. For now I'm backing it based on the above mentioned strengths.

Heidi
Turning Red

Hi Will,

Your book is quite intriguing and original, and I see you have put a lot of care into getting the small details down right. It is these, that make your story so real.

I will be happy to back you.

Debbie 14

So, the distant castle, the freezing guard and the Husband and wife separated when they arrive. Must have been hard to struggle all that way and be apart.
I like this, the writing is clear and fluid and the story flows. You do feel as if you are there in the cold and snow - believe me I know what it feels like having trekked to 6000m in Nepal!
Despite other comments to the contrary, I think the pace is right, not too slow. The story and the relationships seem to evolve against the background of a well-told tale.
Like it, though I'm sure I've already backed this book.
Back it again, just in case.,
Best,
Fred

Will,

This is a great story. I really like how you introduce the characters and describe them. Their dialogue is crisply written and I felt like I was right there. I do have a couple of comments:

IN chapter 2,

"They turned and walked away from each other, and with their spears could have been either parting enemies or parting friends."

I really don't understand that sentence given the context... It seems like you are overanalyzing the situation for the reader. I'd just leave the stuff after the comma off...

Overall I didn't see any really obvious grammatical errors...but the conversion to Authonomy seemed to make your spacing really weird. for ecample, at times your indentation is all wrong (but it is probably correct in your source doc)

I read through chapter 5 and I have to say that ignoring the conversion issue, this is really good writing and really kept me in the story. Backed.

Armen (Urtaru)

I have read through Chapter 14. I liked the development of Part 1. The characters are intriguing as is the cultural set up. Unfortunately, I am finding Part 2 heavy going. It's taking a while to sort through the characters and I don't feel the same connection. I will keep reading as I presume this all comes together.
Nancy

Hi Will

The experimental tag placed this on my WL...and now I begin to understand. I read the first few chapters and then skipped ahead. In part 2 you change focus to modern and then later I get the feel of interconnected times. I have not read everything- I jumped around- but I have the clear impression of HUGE imagination, and had I the time, I would want to figure out just exactly what you have achieved here. That, of course, grants this a place on my shelf for a while.

Your very last line had me wishing I had first read EVERYTHING!

All the best
Elaina
Gathering of Rain

Apologies that it took a while to get round to the promised read of your book.
I must say that this has the feel of building into a saga. The characters are obviously being developed well and are well fleshed out and believable and the world sketched out in detail.
Writing is generally good so I am happy to back.

That said in an attempt to offer helpful criticism I would suggest a couple of things. Firstly the pitch says this will be a three book series. I am concerned that potential editors might be put off by knowing from the start that committing to one book commits them to three. That MIGHT turn a few off the idea.
Secondly I wonder if the first chapter needs something a bit more animated to get it going quicker.

We are all struggling against the painful truth that editors (and readers here) often read a few paragraphs and make their judgement on that. Ive heard it said that some editors may only read the first paragraph. Not sure I have it totally right either BTW but you might want an incident in that first couple of paragraphs to hook the reader.

Good luck.

This seems like a coming of age tale, period, place, time, seem long ago. But a lot of he said she said, which I avoid.

Hello Will,

You have a beautifully written work here that is full of description, something that can be even better if pruned or tightened a little. The characters are well developed and interact smoothly and they are true to life in their words, emotions and actions.. Dialogue is effective .

I see a plot with interconnected stories, a beautiful way of telling a story from different angles. The setting is varied and rich and so too is the flow of the story. This is a story worthy of a shelf space.

All the best.

Janvier (Flash of the Sun)

Will,
Well told. Amna and Erdes journey feels like its setting us up for a great story. Intrigued by the line in your pitch that talks about keeping a planet in a medieval culture. This feels like a very big story brewing.
Just a couple of suggesions. You have a couple of paragraphs in chapter 1 that are way too long. Interest begins to sag when the paragraphs are too long. Also, a bit more tension and conflict in chapter one would be good. It's lovely and descriptive, but needs just a bit more tension.
On my shelf.
Jeff

This quilt of interconnected stories with an embedded pattern is a brilliant storytelling convention, intriguing enough in itself to hook (sew up?) the reader from the onset. And obviously your imagination knows no border--you are a dreamweaver, my friend, a tailor to the muses.

I read your pitch before I noticed the tag ‘experimental’, and I must admit, I already liked it. Although it read as a fairly random string of sentences, the sentences were well-crafted enough to indicate that this was a deliberate, intelligent kind of randomness. And the story itself: half Star Wars, half Kafka.

When I got into chapter one, I was pleasantly surprised. It’s not THAT sort of ‘experimental’: I mean William Burroughs and Dadaism. You’ve got a good old-fashioned, well-written narrative here from the two chapters I read.

My impressions of this were all positive. A good story, well told. Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

So, the castle looms ahead, a young woman and her husband, driven from their home by unfair laws of inheritance. The opening three chpters are interesting throughout. Your writing style is unusual, gentle and gradual. You introduce your reader in an ingravescent manner that flows well despite the previous suggested comment about pace.
I think there is a place for a slowly unfolding story. Why should there always have to be a murder, an abuse, a violent struggle in the first scene of every book? I don't think so and therefore I think this book is really good.
Pacy novels are for a time when one wants things to happen swiftly. Reading for pleasure is different and I experienced pleasure when I read this - so shelved!
Will return for more.
Best washes,
Fred

A New Heaven comes alive with likable and believable characters that promise to shoulder their conflicts well. It’s on the shelf.

A bit of advice:

There is a time and place for passive writing, and there is a time and place for active writing. The novel needs to start with action.

For example: She was curled up on all her possessions…
She could see through a gap…

These are passive sentences, which could do well in the right place. However, with the beginning of a novel, action should be prominate.

I hope this helps.

Bob Avey

Hi there,
I have put your book on my shelf ;-)
This is like nothing else I've read on here, it's intriguing and I feel drawn to read on. You have a great imagination which has created a good atmosphere. Your characters are colourful and interesting, they have thoughtful names, I especially like Amna. I am hooked, I will read on and come back with another comment - I want to find out more first!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)