Overlooked

great characters and plot

Backed

Jill

Dear Mark, as you are such an earnest and worthy reviewist, sometimes taking a whole afternoon to read someone else's work, despite being incredibly busy with your own professional pursuits and full time caring on top, then I am obliged to write into your comment sheet...

Thank you for looking at my chapter 5 and 6, because you are too generous. I have checked out all feedback from you. I do not have your understanding of the English language and therefore unfortunately do not always understand what you are saying. I my case, however, I am happy to not have an understanding. i think it would cruipple the flow of my work. I will worry more about such things when I have finished the first draft, which is something I have always said. I am not an expert on drugs, but putting powder on foil and sniffing, is chasing the dragon as far as I know. Maybe someone else can enlighten us? the other aspects such as Elder sister and going into the third person, will become apparent.
I am hoping that you will add tyour children's story to the site as well. I look forward to re-reading your book above. Even though you mean feel currently inconfident and below par, I am sure that is only do with rest, and allowing your voice to come through.
On eof the disadvantages of being very scholarly as yourself, may be the in allowing one's voice to cme through. To my very best Authonomist pal, regards, Yolanda

Like the characters and the story - much enjoyed the read. Shelved.

this timely story is likely to strike many a chord in our world of surveillance and data gathering

i like the individual chapters per character – and the first person voices – the slow unravelling of interlinking lives and contrasting perceptions

you are good at generating distinct character voices, both in the prose and the dialogue – though need to be careful with strong vernacular where this may become difficult to read (e.g. kye’s accent)

the contrast between worlds – westminster, tower hamlets, new amber – is well crafted and the intricacies of disparate characters’ lives, where and how these overlap, creates an intriguing political drama that would, i think, work well on screen

i am shelving this interesting, multi-layered story for its complexity, depth and wide range of authentic characters. go well with your writing

freddie
("honour")

Great opening chapter!! Very well done. A well-integrated info dump (which is an amazing thing when well done, don't let the pejorative word put you off). The greatest talent in fiction is the ability to catch a reader up to speed while not seeming to do so. I struggle with that as my work also requires that catching up period.

You leave the reader with a small mystery at the end of chapter one that begs us to turn the page and we do. Impressive!

Love the chat in the pub with his memory of asking her out for the first time. A delight!

And Pam's flirtation with the mirror carrying such weight as a literary device.

Good stuff!

Shelved!

Twenty years ago, this premise would be categorized as fantasy. Today, it’s almost real and that’s chilling. I read only four chapters so I don’t know where it is going but from the sample I conclude that you have the ability to concoct a smoking story. I think that the multiple points of view – one person per chapter – is a very effective device as it adds new dimensions to the whole. The only thing that jarred was the scene with the PM. I doubt that the door of his office would be so thin as to let through a normal conversation.
Other than that, I enjoyed the read and will back it.

Iva P.
Fame and Infamy

Great premise, interesting characters, smooth writing, and a compelling read. Shelved, of course.

A nit...use fewer adverbs (agents don't like them, they tend to prop up weak verbs and/or don't any anything important to the meaning, and rob you of the opportunity to use fresher language.

I'm sure there are bunches of people who fear Big Brother, especially in the wake of 9/11 and the US government's reaction. I must admit that I'm becoming part of that club. This concept is likely to go over big time.

Cheers,
Sheryl (In All The Wrong Places)

Wow! I don't care if I'm repeating other people's bad puns but Overlooked has definitely been overlooked and deserves to be much higher in the rankings. A brilliant concept and well written Backed.

dear Mark here is my humble attempt to return some of the care and attention you have given my writing.
Pitch: personal taste only, no need to write “A vicious, cynical gangster”, won’t gangster be enough? Also less adjectives around Pam in preceding para?
CH1:
“His smile was knowing, not ingratiating. I shuddered.” Would that really make you shudder?
“The home secretary’s hair...” so far the text has been well-written but for my taste, quite dry. Because of the person I am I would like to know what his hair was like, just the tiniest of morsels. Is it a Scargill brush over or a Gordon Brown mullet?
Surprised not to get description of Prime Minster, maybe I am being too conventional?
When we get to “I am sure the Treasury will be concerned” everyone is still faceless which I assume you do deliberately. Because I am a visual person, this is quite hard for me.
... challenged the Home secretary – no hint of egos described yet etc...
I’m inclined to believe the narrator is very orderly and disinclined to make observations about important colleagues and the big boss.
Good last line for page turning.
Ch2: Beautiful first para
It occurs to me that the ch is a such a sharp contrast to ch 1, is there no way of bridging this with a word or sentence.
Cricket para interesting
Because of the way I am made, I more comfortable in Ch2 and enjoying it, but worried about stereotyping of Jamaican dialogue. I wonder if you do similar with everyone, for consistency?
As Emma and man start to build their lives together the text is very convincing, nice.
Just an idea – extending the growing love to a backdrop of cricket might be fascinating, and that’s from someone who hates cricket.
By the time it gets to Scary Mary I’m wondering about a change of pace, but again you know it is hard for me reading in short bursts on line.
Good last line.
thank you for all your efforts, your online friend, Yolanda eye of an artist

Dear Mark,

Nice setup, Roland being the nastiest of them all.

Given the high security of a PM, does it stretch the imagination that Roland can hear everything so crystal clear from behind a closed door? And does he have any shame, eavesdropping on confidential matters?

Normally dialogue can be broken up by physical action. In this case, given the characters are unseen, we might hear rises in voices. Or perhaps Roland might be doing something in the outer office; coughing, having to deal with another office worker, etc. Suggest that although there is info that is obviously important, it may not all be necessary right now. The exchanges about the cost, for example.

Intriguing bit, the line about Katy. As well as the Ordnance Survey (typo: should it not be "Ordinance") that he left behind.

Ch 2
Beautiful line, "she laughed with her whole body."

Though the bet itself is fun, in my female opinion it's not believable that the ladies would actually pay up in front of Mike. A woman holding her breath for a man to finally ask her out is not going to tip her hand that obviously. It would be too embarrassing for her to admit that she was that interested. It also tips the courtship out of balance from the start, if he thinks she's that crazy for him. [Ask other women their opinion on this one.]
Instead, one would knowingly look or wink at the other, murmur something between them that Mike couldn't hear, that he might question. Once they were an established couple, she'd 'fess up, but not earlier.

Though I appreciate that you're establishing the characters, I'm thinking you may be taking too long before the plot gets cracking. I don't believe you need every last detail about Mike's daily routine. The last 4 paragraphs of Ch 2 are fine, setting up suspense about ongoing problems, but prior to that, I'll bet quite a bit could be cut. I'm reminded of Tom Wolfe ("A Man in Full"), introducing and juggling three characters and their stories before they all converge. But each intro has a great deal of conflict and action.

Your writing is fluid, Barrington and Emma the most intriguing so far, and the story sounds promising. Given more time, I would be interested in exploring further. Shelved.

It struck me that your title is OVERLOOKED because I worry that it will be with the generic cover...and that would be a damn shame. Your writing is tight and flowing and your dialogue effortless. My only confusing was in not knowing immediately what a PM was but perhaps that's the american in me...

Shelved...best of luck.

Johanna
Scream Out Loud

This looks polished and ready, unlike some other scripts in here.

The only thing that doesn’t work for me is “The smile grew almost audible”. How did he know if he did not hear it, or see it?

It’s on my shelve.

Kostas
Hariklia's Icons

This looks polished and ready, unlike some other scripts in here.

The only thing that doesn’t work for me is “The smile grew almost audible”. How did he know if he did not hear it, or see it?

It’s on my shelve.

Kostas
Hariklia's Icons

This has a very polished feel to it. Very intriguing first chapter. Looking forward to reading more. backed.

charlie

Dear Mark
Wow! I read through Chapter 3. Would have gone on to the end except, as I told you before, my reading list is longer than I can finish in this life time. Good story. Good character. Interesting way of introducing each one.
This is a book I would settle with on a long winter night and probably read right through to the end ev en if that took me to the day after tomorrow. Best of luck with it. Your only problem, how many will enjoy your interestingly paced story. I'll come back to it from time to time to see what else is happening. Best wishes. I think Harper Collins will like this when it gets into their hands. Why don't you find an "emergency" and tell many about it. My emergency was real but it had wonderful results. Go for it. Edie - Prides Crossing

Unfortunately must mirror Patrick's comment. This is well written, topical, flowing prose, with punchy dialogue and a great pitch. On the shelf, old chap. Best of luck with it - sestius

Professionally written with an intriguing plot. This really cannot fail. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Mark, I don't know why you need to bother with Authonomy. You're obviously a highly skilled and highly experienced writer. Your book stands out because it's so easy to read, even with the racket of 'Dad's Army' from the next room. It's believable and chilling and full of fascinating life. And beautifully written. Backed.
Lynn

I've read two chapters and am fascinated. Loved the characters you introduced in ch 2. I'm going to read more of this one. Regards and best wishes with it.

Great the way you have created individual chapters with characters that are fully rounded and believable.
I'll give this a spin on the shelf. Hopefully you will get the reads and the exposure the book deserves
Sue (A Boy Called George)

Great the way you have created individual chapters with characters that are fully rounded and believable.
I'll give this a spin on the shelf. Hopefully you will get the reads and the exposure the book deserves
Sue

Hi Mark, I'm in catch up mode. First thing is - can I help you with your cover? If you emailed me a jpeg image I could put a variety of fonts on for you - as a friendly gesture. You could also supply the required text. I hope you will do this. My email is yolandachristian@ymail.com.
In terms of feedback, I'm no expert, I operate on a gut level. I made comments to jack Ramsey about his first chapter and I woudl reiterate them to you. I need something extraordinary in Ch1, anything, but I also enjoyed the ending to it. Ch2 starts off beautifully. That's as far as I've got and I will get back to you. Dunno how to make to friends on site, but if I did, you'd be one!
Yolanda
Eye of an Artist

Dear Mark, I’ll begin by using Paul’s description of the Stravinsky’s septet: “complex, intricate, precisely constructed.” I like how each narrator has a distinctive and fully plausible voice, how each reappears as a character in another narrator’s story, and how all the stories are tied together by the appearance in each of the special adviser with the ruby ring (I say “all” though I’ve read only five chapters so far, for I’m certain he’ll continue to reappear).

Your pitch creates a series of mysteries: characters are described but only Pam is named, so the initial task is to link the other characters to the other descriptions. Paul is the “gifted civil servant,” Joo the “vicious, cynical gangster. Of course, as these lesser mysteries are being solved, you introduce more significant ones—the identity of EPS primary among them. So you keep the reader enthusiastically reading by enticing her, rewarding her, then enticing her further: quite effective.

Besides your devious methods, another thing that makes your book especially involving is its currency. There’s been a lot of criticism of the anti-terror legislation engineered by Bush and Blair, and I’m familiar with the debate in the UK over identity cards (in my native country, they are a fact). Your book is not only a rich, engaging mystery but a cautionary tale in the Orwellian vein. By the way, the title couldn’t be better: Big Brother is watching.

This is highly entertaining, even when frightening, and skillfully, cunningly written. On my shelf. Maria, The Pharaoh’s Cat

Overlooked - I am less a student of literary fiction than other genres, but hope that you will find some merit in suggestions which have tightened and strengthened my own manuscript on its way to publication. I will admit, first person is not my first choice for narratives although it looks like you have avoided the trap of “I” peppering every sentence and getting in the way of my immersion in the narrative.
Pitch –I did find the pitch a little dry, a retelling of the events in the story without an infusion of passion and intrigue. I may be off base, but is there one person/agency manipulating the events…if so, perhaps you could allude to the fact more clearly in the pitch. Dedicating one paragraph to each character’s summary would improve the readability for me without adding to your word count, and also correct for the pronoun reference issue in the statement “Meanwhile, a ...gangster…entrapped by one of her victims (who is her referring to, Pam?) Might I be so bold as to propose:

We often overlook the connections between seemly innocuous events.

A brilliant, embittered single mother moves to New Amber and falls in love with a gifted civil servant.

A vicious, cynical…and rescues the daughter…

A government advisor…

A Muslim medical student…

The discrete threads of these lives intertwine through a chain of events leading to devastating consequences…

I am sure you can do better than I since it is your story and you have the gift of beautiful prose, but for me rearranging would enhance the pitch. By adding the spacing, you differentiate between the various lives of your narrators. Removing the ‘meanwhile, elsewhere’ etc reinforces that these people are living separate lives, which later intersect.

Ch 1 – In my understanding, literary fiction places more emphasis on the inner workings of the mind instead of action, and also on the beauty of the wording, so my usual comments of ‘show, don’t tell’ have less relevance in a literary work. Watch pronoun reference…you were speaking about the Home Secretary and then state “I wanted to give them time”. Pace seems strong, and you begin Roland’s characterization although perhaps a few more traits could be illustrated to let us know his personality and why we should like him. I do think you can remove Roland from some of the narrative, for example instead of ‘I felt my fingers curl”, use “My fingers curled.”

Ch. 2 - Dialogue is strong here, watch extraneous use of ‘that’, almost every occurrence can be removed, strengthening the narrative. You mix show and tell well. I appreciated the circular close of the chapter, repeating your opening line.

Ch. 3 – I like Pam. I like her self-depreciation, and you draw her well in your dialogue. Phil is interesting as well, the listener. I would like to see more dialogue, where you tell me Pam asked him, and he assured her…write it out, tell us what they said.

This third chapter grabbed me as the reader, exemplifying what I imagine is literary fiction. Beauty in narrative without the mistake of thinking simple adjectives are all that is needed to create that beauty. Wonderful work which I am happy to back!

Mark,
Re-reading, as you notified me that you made changes. Although it's been awhile and so many other reads have gone by, I still remember this, and it's definitely improved. A few clues here and there hint at what's coming. Can't help but wonder about Marta Tyler's name sounding like "Kalashnikov fire." Since Kalashnikov developed about 20 Russian weapons, including the AK-47, I cannot help but wonder if this is subtle and emblamatic of the proverbial "Chekov's gun." (If you say there's a rifle hanging on the wall in the first chapter, then it absolutely must go off by the 3rd chapter - otherwise, it shouldn't be hanging there - or something to that effect.) I love finding little bits of foreshadowing. Will read until my eyes bulge.
Mary

Mr. Henderson,

I've enjoyed what I've read so far from OVERLOOKED. It's definitely of publishable quality. Right now I'm studying for the Bar, and have little time to spend online. However, I look forward to reading more of your book. After that, I'll leave more thoughtful comments.

John

P.S. I'm also interested in privacy and surveillance.

This is very well written. No better than that. Your first chapter builds mystery masterfully. Then the second chapter, the pace easy off and a wonderful gift of description is observed. It feels so real. In chapter three the two elements combine (of course a connection is hinted at in chapter two but only in the third does it become more apparent). Chapter three also shows off your dialogue to great effect. You have an excellent ear (and actually the Jamaican patois in chapter two is nicely done, with a light touch, just enough for me to hear the familiar sing-song cadences).

My only critique would be around pacing, this moves a little slowly for some tastes, but I think you've handled that well by keeping the chapters short, and ending each with a nice hook making the reader want to turn the page. I wonder, though, if you've considered more dialogue, it's as strong as your description and can offer a change in pace. Mind you, what you're doing works.

So now I have to find a place on my shelf.

Mark, thank you for your very kind comments about BLOGSPOT. i've come back to check out your new pitch.

it's MUCH better. in MHO you could still omit the following words :

'WHEN she's there'

'vicious, cynical' and 'girl-' before 'gangster'. using 'her' in the next phrase tells us she's female.

The phrase 'he forces her to rescue' still sounds odd to me. could you say 'he forces her to abduct.... from....' and explain later that it's a rescue?

could you replace 'A government official who signs himself "EPS" ' with 'The mysterious EPS....' - because you have another anonymous government adviser later.

and finally! it isn't actually drawing the stories together which has consequences for a way of life. this sentence needs a slight rejig.

hope these aren't too many annoying comments. there's certainly been an improvement here and it would be a shame for you to lose a single reader.

xx
maitreyi

Hi Mark,

I've been dipping in and out of your first few chapters for the last couple of days. I am amazed at the diversity of your characters, and the way in which you slip into each POV with such ease, it's so professionally done, I find myself thinking a) this can't be the same writer, and b) this can't be a male writer. You write your male and female voices so well. Brilliant stuff.

The plot is all starting to come together for me in chapter three, the surveillance cameras being suggested to the village, and who is this mysterious Phil character? It has just the right level of intrigue, I like how it is slowly introduced so it gradually builds the tension and whets the curiousity of the reader. I have a feeling this will be a nice slow burner, something to be savoured rather than raced through. It's a topic which is very current and very real; so it's nice to see that you have avoided any sensational storylines.

I do have a few small comments....The first of which, I'm really embarassed to say, mortified in fact, (as a journalist with training in politics) but in Chapter two, Paul's section confused me. When you first mention MoD, you don't tell the reader what it stands for. I figured it was Minstery of Defence, but only after a re-read. I'm afraid my knowledge of English politics is awful; but possibly you could make the coding and titles a little clearer, for those non-British/non politically inclined readers. I only say this because the content and characters have a hugely universal appeal and I worry you might isolate some readers who genuinely are interested by the plot but don't have the knowledge to feel comfortable with the technical stuff. I don't know if I am making myself sound really stupid over this so please take it with a pinch of salt!

My other suggestion is structural; I wonder would it be better to give each character their own chapter as each voice is so unique. I've just finished reading Kate Atkinson's 'Case Histories' and she uses the same character POV technique but hers are more divided. This might be especially useful at the beginning of the story when there is so much new information being introduced.

Other than my possible ignorance, I really enjoyed what I have read so far. Your writing has a lovely melody to it, especially with Mike's opening. You also have a great turn-of-phrase, you're dialogue is faultless in so many ways. Really happy to shelve this.

Best wishes, Ceri (Fatty Buttons & Cinderella's Slipper)

Hi Mark,

I just read the first four sections. There's a significant difference between the first two and the following ones. Mike's opening chapter is in many ways beautiful, his concepts for simple and complicated, the old and new villages liking someone or not, but I think you're summarizing too much of what's to come when you write from Mike's pov. We already know Pam and Paul will get together and that takes out a bit of the tension in Pam and Paul's chapter. I'd reduce Mike's chapter more to his and Emma's story and show us more rather than letting him tell us. Right now it feels like a distant acquaintance tells us about a lot of people we haven't met. The narrative is engaging but not vivid enough. Show us more of Emma, for example. She remains abstract. Play out a few scenes, e.g. the one at the bar after a cricket match when he finally asks her out.

Also, better establish clearly that Mike is the narrator. When I started reading the second section titled 'Pam' I wasn't aware that the I-narrator had changed and it took me a while to figure out who that Mike was the narrator referred to. Let Emma call him Mike Townsend instead of just Townsend in the first chapter. In Pamela's section, I had a hard time to believe she would spill out the full misery of her marriage to a complete stranger who'd obviously been making inquiries about her, particularly as she doesn't trust him. If it isn't absolutely necessary for the plot, I'd let her hold back and think about her marriage, but only give Phil little information.

With Paul's section, you dive into 'show' and immediate writing. It feels more vivid and engaging, same goes for Joo's. I didn't quite understand why Paul was so sure that the EPS assignment was a trap. Is he paranoid or does he have good reasons apart from Marta's possibly hurt feelings and the mystery around EPS.

Now for the good points, and there are many. I really loved the opening paragraphs and Mike's voice. Both were very intriguing and hooked me immediately. Only later I started to skim a bit. You're doing a wonderful job of giving each of your first person narrators a unique voice, Mike, Pam, Paul, Joo...

You've got a wonderful set of characters, even minor ones are interesting, like Marta and most certainly Steve. :-)

I like your varying writing style, the more telling one of Mike, the stream of consciousness of Pam, and the more 'fashionable' showing in Paul and Joo's section.

Overall, I very much enjoyed the read and therefore I'm happy to put the book on my shelf.

All the best with this!

Edith

Dear Mark,



One of the most unusual pitches and synopses on Authonomy. Perhaps ‘original’ and ‘unique’ are better descriptions. I was amazed (disturbed) that things could get like you say they are. And I accept that your research cum raw material is accurate. My wife and I, for instance can no longer enter Britain or Europe freely.

Reading and approving of the short, clean writing. Inviting to read. All narrative so far, but first person voice is more appealing than an off-stage narrator. If handled well in an intimate sort of way as you do, it can be almost as good as dialogue.

Very important the above. Editors slam us for too much narrative. Just be cautioned about this.

Pam. OK, only realized now each person is telling their own story. I haven’t seen that approach in a long time. I am going to enjoy this. Great approval of the tight, clean, unembellished writing. With my first novel I was hauled over the coals for overwriting and unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. Then I read John Steinbeck’s Journal of a Novel.

Hey, there’s a big moan here about a forty thousand line paragraph. One needs mountaineering equipment to scale it. Tee-hee.

Chuckling at the dialogue sans ‘he said’. Oh yes, it reads beautifully uncluttered by the adjuncts.

Now I am rolling on the floor over inconsiderate Mr Fenwick. Mark, those are your opening lines to Overlooked for sure.

You write such bloody good dialogue, I urge you to sprinkle a helluva lot more into chapter one. Yes, the narrative reads well, but your writing will scintillate with real life scenes acted out by your characters, illustrating the narrator’s point. Poignant, absurd, ribald, naïve, ludicrous, outlandish, you know, that sort of thing.

Chapter two and here we go. Character driven story telling. Dialogue, play acting, interaction between the characters. Nice work.

I do compliment you on your writing. Accomplished and without fault. Engaging and appealing.

Terrific action scene and accompanying dialogue, that mugging scene. Accolades.

This is developing into a great story. Very different to other stuff on Authonomy and backed by a skilled hand.

End of chapter two, nothing but admiration and Overlooked on my bookshelf.

Trusting I’ve given you useable feedback in spite of the fact it’s coming from a hayseed.


Have fun with your writing.


Kind regards,



Pierre

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree

chapter one works well although you will have your wrist slapped (not by me) for all tell and no show. difficult to avoid in a first-person narrative. worth considering how else you might present this whole backstory because you may have to at some point.

anyway mark, i am happy to give this a whirl on my shelf - it is fun and original.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Mark, your short pitch is great and i am guessing i share your concern about the paranoia surrounding terrorism which threatens the libertarian nature of our society. my advice is to take out the words 'the trappings of modern' and 'innocent'. paradoxically you will find your sentences are much stronger without so many adjectives. this advice goes for all your writing.

ok now the pitch proper. why am i harping on about the pitch instead of diving in to your precious chapter one? because an agent may read no further than your pitch letter and it has to be the best you can manage. your plot sounds good. it is extremely complicated in a slightly comedy way. but i check the genres and comedy isn't mentioned. if this isn't meant to be black humour i think you need to make this pitch MUCH MORE spare and disturbing. i the reader meant to be frightened, intrigued, knowing?

if it does have black humour in there, i would still make sure that your sentences are really working as sentences and that you take out every superfluous word. there are many.

i am a bit thrown by the middle-England village of New Amber. do you mean middle-England politically? if not, why not pick a county or an area. why New Amber? it isn't realistic as a village name - again i wonder whether this is meant to be funny.

later you say 'New Amber's school teacher' - do you mean this village is so small that the school has only one teacher (like, say, 'New Amber's postmistress'?) or what? if so it is an absolutely minute village.

'there she meets a gifted, senior civil servant' - who does? the mysterious visitor or the single mother? does the single mother come from New Amber too? this para raises more questions than it answers. it could read :

'A visitor to the English village of NA secures work in Westminster for single mother, brilliant but embittered X (her name). Once there X falls in love with a senior civil servant, a man committed to the cause of individual freedom. But this affair is no coincidence. Interests within government cause them to meet.

Meanwhile....'

this isn't perfect either but it takes out some of the words and you get the gist.

i'm going to move on now.

maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

An eye opener into the other side of the relationship between legislations and people well weaved from what looks like real stories. It seems the world is a small place after all; the same stories only with different names and places. Intruding into people’s lives and the need to stay in control, I thought only belonged to countries run by dynasties not to democratic countries. Thank you for highlighting a most important issue.
Shelved. Best wishes.

Hello Mark,

You have a compelling style of writing that tells me how sure-footed you are. First the introduction of the major characters through their own voices is not only unique but very insightful as well. Mike, Pam, Paul, Joe, John Joe and all the other others of their world are richly portrayed, giving your work a richness in characterization that is uncommon at authonomy.

The plot is promising as you merge the lives of these characters in a setting that is varied. I like the effectiveness of your dialogue, the humour in the lines and the usage of narrative in buttressing the writing.

Overall, this is a distinguished piece of writing.

All the best.

Janvier

1: if you read my book you would know I love Big brother stories.
2: I love the format of your chapters. THe name and the POV.
3: shelved.

Absorbing read. Superb characterization. I'm hooked by each of the well portrayed character. Memorable phrases: ...my bed was cold / financed by a couple of bank robberies for whcih he was never caught / ruled over her staff with an electric cattle prod... there are more, I'd have to download the whole book here. I enjoy the read. Happy to back Overlooked. Great work, keep it up. Thanks for sharing the story. Casey - Hans of Hamelin

Uh!! What a wonderful story. From what I read so far, there's a powerful grip on the plot that made it compelling and interesting. I must be honest, your work is my kind delicacy, and I comsume it with zeal and utmost passion. I have been in this for long, and as result I read and understand more of gothic or esoteric novels, and I know what it is for one's life to be mapped out by unseen powers. I tell something, I love how you masterly wove the whole story into one perfect end. Its intriguing, gripping and enjoyable. Good luck with this.

I like the clarity of your prose and find that the control you demonstrate lures me in, which is exactly what I want in a book. Beautiful description, which I think adds to the quality of the writing, and a story that I want to read more of. Shelved.

Mark,
Interesting story you have here, feeds the paranoia a bit doesnt it. I like the idea of dual narrators for the story, gives it two different points of view that are interesting to contrast. My only concerns, sometimes the narration seems a bit long between things happening and sometimes your paragraphs are quite long. I think if you could tweak those two things a bit it would punch up the story. I think you would get more reads and rise faster in the charts. I liked it though, well put together and on my shelf.
Jeff

Thanks, Sybil!

A few years ago I knew a black woman who spoke beautiful British English but could make herself sound like Eddie Murphy when she chose - the effect was hilarious! I haven't met the film "Mrs Winterbourne" but I'll look out for it. (If the protagonist is anything like Pam, I'll be surprised...) Next time I'm on this site I'll follow your suggestion and look up Melissa Conway - thanks for the pointer!

Anyway, I'm glad you're enjoying the book so far. The comparison with Orwell and Huxley is flattering, but sadly, what I'm describing isn't futuristic, it's right-now-istic. I'm downright scared by the implications of some of our recent legislation. Although the book is fiction, several of the infringements of democratic rights and civil liberties that I describe are all too real - including the right to protest peacefully. (The airport scene at the end of the uploaded excerpt is an actual case, with only the names and locations changed.)

Mark.

Hi Mark,
I usually just read through as much as possible and take notes as I go. Everything is my opinion so feel free to ignore if you don’t agree.

Pitch

I always focus on pitch a little because if agents or editors are browsing the site it is the first thing they will see. You want to make sure they keep reading.

Your pitch sounds amazing. So far it kind of reminds me a little of 1984 or Brave New World. I’m interested in the protest aspect of it. Here in the US protests are not very common. But from what I see on the news and hear from Europeans, political protests happen all the time in the UK.
Anyway, I think the pitch is well-written and does a great job of getting the reader interested.

Chapter 1

Fake black American accent – I can totally relate to that. Everyone thinks I sound white on the phone or something and seem surprised when I’m black. Are we all supposed to sound like Eddie Murphy? LOL! Good touch. Although, I don’t think black is capitalized.

Do you know there is a movie called Mrs. Winterbourne? It stars Brendan Frasier and Ricki Lake. Have you seen it?

She fancied him rotten – I like that phrase. I also like how you end the chapter with the reader wondering how this attraction matured.
Chapter 2

I like how you introduce us to each character separately. Another author on the site that does that well is Melissa Conway in The Gossamer Sphere. Check that out if you like SciFi. Tell her I sent you!

Excellent work.
All the best
Sybil

I like this book. Usually I am not into what I would call 'literature.' But I have to say the imagery, the setting, the pacing--and most of all the personalities Mark has created--all fuse together in satisfying read. Others have said there is nothing else like this being read in here. I wouldn't argue with that being so new in here. But I can say this has a feel to it that suggests somethng special is unfolding before my eyes. Yes, I consider Mark a friend, so of course my viewpoints are skewered toward liking this book. Nevertheless I stand by my statements. I think there is something special here. And I hope many, many more readers discover this treat.

This is an excellent book, hugely relevant, and I think the longer you stay on Authonomy you more you'll see there just isn't that much that's like this on the site. Which is a unique selling point. Yours is a serious critique of modern society and its destination, sir, and it's so well written I'll be very surprised if it doesn't climb and climb. I feel privileged to have been here more or less at its inception. It's your moral duty now, not to let it wilt. Bookshelved without hesitation.

Your comment has put a smile on my aged countenance. Thank you! Yes, of course I'll read your work in return.

Mark.

I like this, there is something inordinately terrifying about having your life mapped out by higher, unseen powers. There are so many layers to this story, all working at every level. The questions posed by each of the incidents are good hooks - all stories coming together to create the one answer at the end. This is intriguing. You write well, with an authority that makes the reader want to conitnue. Each story within the main story has an atmosphere to it. Great opening, simple and compelling, I like your style of writing, this is a very good read. I am going to SHELVE this and come back for more ;-)
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

I like this, there is something inordinately terrifying about having your life mapped out by higher, unseen powers. There are so many layers to this story, all working at every level. The questions posed by each of the incidents are good hooks - all stories coming together to create the one answer at the end. This is intriguing. You write well, with an authority that makes the reader want to conitnue. Each story within the main story has an atmosphere to it. Great opening, simple and compelling, I like your style of writing, this is a very good read. I am going to SHELVE this and come back for more ;-)
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)