The Moon is made of cheese

I was surprised to find this really readable; it kept me going for two chapters without a break. I've it on my watch list and will come back to it again. Good work...
Taiella (SECOND LOVE)

Henry-
I like the premise of this book tremendously, and I really like Jeremy's character. I like his easy-going acceptance of his fate. I like your smooth, fluid writing.
At some point, you seem to have made a decision to swap from first to third person, or perhaps the other way round. You flop back and forth a bit-- pick one and stick to it. I think I like first person better for this--for no particular reason other than it seems right.
I agree with an earlier comment about how you should slow the pace of the story down a bit and let the details unfold more luxuriously.
Loads of promise. Keep working it.
Kind regards,
BexMcK (The Devil's Box)

Hi Henry! There's a lot to recommend your book, elements that if worked on can be made into a very good story. They're all there. The problem I found is the pacing. Your first chapter, for example, covers so many things, all interesting, and as a reader I'd like to know more about them. But it seems hurriedly told. You have something there. Allow the reader to luxuriate in it a bit more. Chapter 2, however, starts really well. A good pace, everything. In fact, I think chapter 2 is a better start for your book, as I didn't find the beginning of chapter 1 to be very engaging, especially the first 2 paragraphs. Chapter 2 is where your story takes off! Go with your strength: a nice balance between description, narration, and dialogue.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

Yes, old thing. Like this. Apologies for late arrival and all that. Loved the pitch. Nicely draws a chap like me in, do you see? Lovely tone, just the right amount of plumminess and subtle references to buxom brunettes to keep one's kind focused. Only two small points: first, "the estate" in first line of second para: I'd change this to 'property'. In your context, 'estate' means more *everything* together, so reference to West wing took a split second to drop in, if that makes sense. Easily remedied. Secondly, sprinkle a comma between "sedentary" and "pompously". Good. Carry on. And a moment onthe shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

This is very good indeed. Right from the off, we get a real sense of place and atmosphere as Jeremy realises he’s going to lose the ancestral home and steps outside to “the great view across the waters onto the mountains”. You’ve got a real storyteller’s knack. It would be possible, for example, when Jeremy asks whether the inheritance is worth zero for the solicitor to come up with some outrageously miniscule sum, at which point you’d be courting farce. But you avoid that trap. No, you go with “the tidy sum of €2650 to share between you” – not funny, but from a literary point of view a much more judicious choice.

I wish you well with this. It’s well written, you do characters and dialogue well, and you’ve got the promise of a really good story. Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Incidentally, have you read Elinor Evans’s In it For The Holidays? Also on Authonomy. Like yours, it’s a novel about teaching. If you contact her, I’m sure she’ll be pleased to swap reads with you.

I really enjoyed this story. I like the characters, you've set up the problem excellently. Shelved.
R Russell

Hi Henry,
I like your use of first person, I find it very hard to do and am always in awe when I come across someone who can do it well.
I like Jeremy immdediately, he's a great character and what a change in life he has to face.
You create the atmosphere of the school well, it's just how I would imagine it to be. I like the dialgogue between your characters, it's lively and well done.
The humour in this had me grinning often, I love the whole set up, it's witty and fun.
I'm not going to nit-pick the technical stuff as others here will do that for you, I like this, it's a good read and it's SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Dear Henry,



The moon is made of cheese. Really? Not sure whether I believe that. I see you grew up on a farm. I went to farm school and had a helluva difficult time trying to make a living in the city. So illiterate, I have to look up the meaning of surreal. Don’t know any words longer than six letters.

Curious about that synopsis of yours. You don’t actually tell me what happens in the story.

Nice dialogue. Particularly the sans ‘he said’. Narrative overwritten in my experience and can easily be edited shorter. That comment based on my own experience in being published.

Solid story and reading every word. You write very fully.

This goes very well where your characters are driving it via speech and personal interaction.

Chapter two. First to third person. Took me by surprise. Had to go back and check.

Chuckling at the girls trying to give him a hard time. Well done.

Nice short paras here. Going like wildfire. Convincing dialogue.

I’m really involved in chapter two. Can’t fault the writing.

A couple of daunting, information-dump, twenty line paras. This reader read until he understood the gist and scanned the rest.

I have been criticized for stopping my story with explanatory narrative. I side-stepped my predicament by converting it to dialogue and getting the characters to speak it in bite-size portions.

This is great reading. The banter and teasing by the girls comes across well. Crofton’s embarrassment too.

Very good, sir. End chapter two and The Moon is Made of Cheese is on my bookshelf.
This promises to be a good novel. Strangely, I’m thinking A Secret History by Donna Tarte.

If you want feedback it would be that I enjoyed the character-driven parts with lots of dialogue and interaction, but was slowed by any long, narrative explanation which, to my mind, might be pared or given to the characters to speak, discuss, whatever, as long as they progress the story.

Very nice and readily shelved.

All the best and go well with your writing. I struggle and am forever reworking my stuff.



Kind regards,



Pierre.

The Little Girl in the Fig Tree