Universal Opera

Luke

Wow! I think the word is visceral. I could probably have done without the slightly journalistic exposition at the beginning (the Stratford bomb) as it detracts from the action. But it's worth waiting for. The prose is spare and chilling, with an air of casual detachment - this is what happened and elaboration is almost redundant. The events speak for themselves. My minor criticism is that there is quite a lot of exposition (eg again at the beginning of chapter 3) which slows the pace. Lots of info which can be hard to assimilate. I'd drop anything not essential to the story. Really like this, Luke. No-brainer. Shelved.

Hi Luke

Got here at last. You have got something here, big themes, lots of action, hard boiled protagonists. Like a nodern day Ian Fleming, Robert Ludlum. It feels very authentic and gritty, I like it a lot. This would make a great movie - it's fast paced and has imaginative set pieces. I'm only about haf way through so I need to read on to see how the characters evolve.

In the interests of constrcutive criticism i have a couple of observations. I think it looks very well researched and the various organisations, use of jargon and acronyms lend it authenticity but may put some readers off. I'm not one of them but even I had to think hard at times. In your opening chapter I really felt a connection with the MC, his anger and sense of loss but that was somehow dissipated through the action. If you could retain the sense of angst and emotion throughout I think it would be even more powerful.
shelved and good luck with it
all the best
Phil B

Hi Luke,
This is interesting. You have an intriguing premise here. I like the question you are asking, can love exist between man and machine? - you know, I think it really can, in a way. There is plenty going on here, you have certainly created an atmosphere with your vivid imagination. You write well, I'm not going to nit-pick the technical stuff as you will get lots of help with that from thoses better qualified. This has lots of potential, I feel. I wish you luck with it, SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

A very distinct voice, which I enjoyed very much. Pushed for time right now, I will read on soon.

An explosive, beautifully written book with a well detailed plot and engaging characters. The font you've uploaded the book in makes it hard to read, but the effort was well worth it. Shelved.

Is this the same book that previously started at the exploding opera house? This new opening is so different, I didn't recognise it!

I have to confess that I found the opening a bit boring after the first few paragraphs - the long rant about the dog and the child abuse was a bit of a turn-off, but then probably I'm not the audience for your book. You obviously need some indication that S168 isn't laughing in a pleasant way, but I think a shorter introduction would do the job just as well. By the time we get to the end of this chapter, we know that AIs are a tad unstable - I think hinting at that would be more effective than detailing his thought processes.

I think I backed this one already, so I'll just say good luck!

Hi Luke,

This really took me by surprise - once the bomb had exploded. Suddenly the action kicked in - big time! Although I did love the machine laughing at the end of chapter 1. You have quite a high body count by the end of chapter 2 - and the pace kept on going. Very well done. Phew . . .

Oh - and as to the question of loving a machine - I love my Mac computer, does that count? :)

Definitely shelved.

Berni
Fledgling

Luke, this isn't the sort of science fiction I would normally read and I feel ill equipped to comment on it, but I can see it's well written. The story is fast moving, with tension rising and there is a dark atmosphere. I most enjoyed the opening passage, with the AI's philosophical observations (though some of the scientific jargon was a bit heavy for me, I suspect it's appropriate for the genre).

On a practical level, I found your unconventional quotation marks a little distracting, no doubt a matter of preference.

Sorry I can't offer more on this, but as I said before, whilst not the sort of thing I read, this is clearly well written and on that basis I'm shelving it.

Luke, when you decide to re-write and improve---you rewrite and improve indeed. This is the story that your plot was begging for. I am so very please. The wording is now compelling and evocative. I love the new version. Not a grammar girl--wish I was a bit, so the only thing i can add is that the double spacing between paragraphs was a little distracting.
Great work, But I've already shelved this and it evidently doesn't help again. Oh well what the heck, think I will anyway so anyone who happens by my site will see it there. WELL DONE.
Barbara
The Sea Pillow

CH.1.

They call me De Broglie. To borrow from Descartes 'It exists. Therefore it is.’ Sometimes I am solid-black silicon and ephemeral data, sometimes I am jumbled quantum juxtaposition. Once, at the beginning, I was an idea in a box.
Much, I imagine, like the birth of this Universe, those first few microseconds were a chaotic mix of hot fundamental particles. By half a second I found order and meaning amongst those non-random bursts of energy.
By one second, I knew that I knew.
I opened my mind to the Universe outside me, and stared into deep green eyes that swam in the milk-white masterpiece of oriental features. Her corneas marbled and flickered randomly; small flurries of light green and yellow chased each other in circles. She would blink, and the withdrawal of such beauty pained me for long milliseconds until those curled black lashes hauled her eyelids open once more. I looked into those eyes for a quantum eternity, losing myself in their energetic yellow peaks and glutinous viridian troughs.

plus

from......Presumably poor Toby is ‘put down’

to......Poor Toby is ‘put down’

Scott.

This is pretty heavy stuff. Your writing is intense. Actually so is your plot. Happy to give this a turn on my shelf.

Barbara
The Sea Pillow

Well done. You found out about us.

I found myself rivetted by this book. The futuristic England is only mentioned in passing and is more convincing for that. Everything smacks of authenticity and the recall of a disturbed mind. The flare of frustrated violence at finding his wife's corpse and being beaten to the kill by fate. Incredible work. On my shelf to continue reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Luke

Wow! I think the word is visceral. I could probably have done without the slightly journalistic exposition at the beginning (the Stratford bomb) as it detracts from the action. But it's worth waiting for. The prose is spare and chilling, with an air of casual detachment - this is what happened and elaboration is almost redundant. The events speak for themselves. My minor criticism is that there is quite a lot of exposition (eg again at the beginning of chapter 3) which slows the pace. Lots of info which can be hard to assimilate. I'd drop anything not essential to the story. Really like this, Luke. No-brainer. Shelved.

Hi Luke, had to skip over some of the darker parts in chapter 1. But an interesting and well written beginning. On to my rotating shelf!
Best wishes,
Agneta

Luke,
Dark and yet strangely inviting. You've boldly given us a new world, changed the old one all around. That's an ambitious project in and of itself and now we ask, can love exist between man and machine. Not only are you giving us a new view of the world, but maybe a new view of love. I don't know if love can exist between man and machine, but you've certainly made us thing about it in new ways.
On my shelf
Jeff

Hi Luke

Got here at last. You have got something here, big themes, lots of action, hard boiled protagonists. Like a nodern day Ian Fleming, Robert Ludlum. It feels very authentic and gritty, I like it a lot. This would make a great movie - it's fast paced and has imaginative set pieces. I'm only about haf way through so I need to read on to see how the characters evolve.

In the interests of constrcutive criticism i have a couple of observations. I think it looks very well researched and the various organisations, use of jargon and acronyms lend it authenticity but may put some readers off. I'm not one of them but even I had to think hard at times. In your opening chapter I really felt a connection with the MC, his anger and sense of loss but that was somehow dissipated through the action. If you could retain the sense of angst and emotion throughout I think it would be even more powerful.
shelved and good luck with it
all the best
Phil B

Now, this I like. The style/tone is classic cyberpunk (more Shirley or Stirling than Gibson, possibly, but very true to the stated intent of carrying on that tradition). Those clipped phrases, graphic images, nonchallant futurism... perfect for the market.

Very little to comment on in terms of writing style. Watch out for the Oxford comma, perhaps (a comma before an "and"). There's arguably a bit too much passive voice but personally I think that just adds to the atmosphere, reinforcing the reflective inner voice. Can't really criticise at all.

Hmmm. Is the pace a bit too measured? I phrase it as a question because I enjoyed it, though it could move a little faster. That could sap atmosphere, though. You'll be the better judge.

Yup. This is good. Now, where are my mirror shades to wear in tribute?

Great opening - I love the irony of the assassin with his garotte being thwarted by a bomb at the last moment :) On the other hand, Chapter 1 came as a bit of an anticlimax - the infodump about the narrator's background went on a bit too long, and I started to lose interest. Overall I think this book is a bit dark for my tastes, so I'm not keen on reading on, but judging by that opening page you can write vividly and with feeling, and I wish you success with the book. Normally I only shelve books if I would actually buy them, but you get extra brownie points for the premise. I just hope you're not prescient, that's all - North London isn't so very far away from Cambridge!

Hi Luke,
the last few chapters read easily and I couldn't find any typos. I wonder if you had these written earlier and have gone over them with the old toothcomb. There was one bit which foxed me - who killed Charlie - page 8.
best wishes, Scott.

Luke,

Some drive-by comments here. Hope you don't mind.
There is some quality writing in this piece. Liked your way with words, liked the starting sentence of the prologue. It's orginal and witty and eerie all at once.
I'm much less sure about the way you start the story proper. It seems to me there are two paragraphs of real-time story and the rest is all backstory. I'm not sure how the first two paragraphs relate to the backstory, and while I'm reading I'm wondering when I'm going to hear about why the MC was hiding in the toilet and who the woman was f***ing in the room nextdoor. I get there's something weird going on, but I'm puzzled more than intrigued.
I think that you could safely start with the bomb business. That in itself would be interesting enough. It's well-described and eerie. I like it. The woman in the room... I'm not so sure about. Not right at the start of the story at least, unless you're going to let us know what it was about.
Then again - I could be totally mistaken.

Luke, there's a lot of stuff to take in in the first chapter, but you describe everything well: you write very clearly. On my shelf for a bit.

Hell hath no fury
He waved towards the two body-armoured guards. They closer to Lee, hands outstretched and each bearing a Taser gun with a small green charge light........word missing between 'They' and 'closer?'
He shot Wang once, neatly in the centre of the forehead. Who is Wang?
'Swapping waved ‘oks’ via ringed thumb and first finger' - 'Swapping waved ‘oks’?
Fantastic.

Chapter 4: (page 5)

This is nice...

And that is where I need you yet. I need to understand if love is human, or does love oil the Universal clockwork? Am I poisoned from birth by an anthropic philosophy that you created?
I am not artificially intelligent, I am artificially human.

Getting better all the time.

The art of war.
The explanation for the chaos is well done. I wonder if you could fast forward it some though. It seems too soon for all this to happen. Wishful thinking, perhaps but anytime after 2050 might be more possible?

“Are you Camden or a Gook?”
“I’m a Gook.” I replied.
“Ok good, I’ll have a thirty-three, seven and a cold beer. - Is it 'Ok. Good' or 'Ok Gook?'

This chapter flows well.

hello, Ch 3.

six in the early summer evening. Name a month - June, July - since summer mentioned soon again.
swirling debris and smoke; - silly, I know but 'smoke and debris' rolls of the tongue better for me.
the sodium yellow lamps coupled with the green night-vision of the tank’s camera cast a sickly glow - the lamps 'cast', but I don't think the night vision does?
roofing were visible propped above jumbled brick walls - visibly propped?
“God verdomme.”
Swore Kepler to himself, and got up to approach the Secretary of State. - Needs to be on same line.
Lots of names, confusing status', discussing complex political issues, which I'm not sure if I've folllowed. Is Ben Lamens American? A good Dutch name if he is, which complicates things even more.
Ben Lamens. You call him 'Lamen' later on.
Swore Kepler to himself, and got up to approach the Secretary of State. But Wilke’s colleague had seen him coming, and stepped in front of the Deputy Commander SACT. I'm not sure who the' Deputy Commander SACT' is.
lifted there hands above their heads - their hands
I found this chapter difficult to follow, due I think to both the complexity of the politics and the number of characters involved. (Or perhaps it's just me?)

Hi again. Ch. 2.
(turns out the guy was a local, and a marathon runner. He seriously pissed me off for three miles before I ran breathlessly into a police dog). Why the brackets?
Again quite complicated politics, difficult to follow. How much of it is required?
immersed in the sodium-fired night rain. immersed in sodium-fired rain? Night is mentioned earlier.
had obviously stolen to the base to leave graffiti gang-brands or irrelevant ramblings. had obviously stolen to the base to leave graffiti gang-brands.
the second soldier’s metal gun butt connected with my temple .......... They appear to have been caught quite easily for old hands?
Probably hours later........ Hours later,
sworn it was nearer seventeen days. I don't think we lose touch so much do we? Perhaps - 'would have accepted double that.'
"Don't push your luck. This is no school tie, and this is no school. But if you want some kind of analogy, you can see your survival as a graduation with distinction." Quite a lot to say for himself. More likely "Don't push your luck."
"I don't know what you're talking about! Who said anything about the prison officer? I just wanna get this over with and get out. I did buggar all." "I don't know what you're talking about!"
"And why are you here to see me?" "So why are you here to see me?"
Any use to you?

Hi Luke,
I've concentrated on the bits I was unsure of. If not mentioned, I 'got it'.

Prologue: A dish best served cold. Having now read ch. 1 I'm wondering if this relates to his dead woman? It's a bit obscure.

as if she's Casting - is this a reference to an actor's casting? I wondered at first if it was cyberspeak, but Google doesn't show anything.

The adverts at the time claimed ‘Stratford; We’re Back’, which immediately leant the entire development the nickname ‘Terminated’. I'm wondering why they would be nicknamed 'Terminated'.

two elite's within a line of each other.

bulldozed literally into the Thames, - I don't think 'literally' is required.

Fortunately or unfortunately, depending upon your birthright, 2024 coincided with the Americo-Ecosse Treaty, and Britain effectively became a no-mans land between the United States and Euro-China. The opera house survives today like a red poppy in the Somme. I find it difficult to follow the politics here. Americo-Ecosse sounds like America, Scottish and French together, but only because of Ecosse.

(the wrong way). You can't see out? Surely unlikely.

gilded in anachronistic black and gold. Why anachronistic? The Greeks, Romans used black and gold as do we in the twenty first century. What is anachronistic about it?

GG and EM might require an explanation.

twenty metres before the unmedicated shock hit him - not sure about the need for 'unmedicated'. I think it's to highlight that normally self-medication would kick in?

black carbon and Aboriginal-style tracers of blood. What are Aboriginal-style tracers?

The dead green of glacial ice. Can glacial ice ever look 'dead'?

Quite a few brackets. Wondering if either rthe brackets are required or if their content is needed.

The ending is good and explains what has gone before.

Although I read a lot of Sci-fi I wasn't too sure of the meaning of cyberpunk. You might find that some of the readers on Authonomy also don't know it's meaning. many of them are unfamiliar even with traditional sci-fi and query me on basic themes. I came across this on Wiki - I cut it down a bit...
Cyberpunk plots often center on a conflict among hackers, artificial intelligences, and megacorporations. The settings are usually post-industrial dystopias but tend to be marked by extraordinary cultural ferment and the use of technology in ways never anticipated by its creators ("the street finds its own uses for things"). Much of the genre's atmosphere echoes film noir, and written works in the genre often use techniques from detective fiction.
Any point in explaining some of this?

Hope this helps. Will read ch.2 next. I like the general 'feel' of the thing so far. Scott.

wonderfully dark and original and on watchlist...

Hi Luke,
This is interesting. You have an intriguing premise here. I like the question you are asking, can love exist between man and machine? - you know, I think it really can, in a way. There is plenty going on here, you have certainly created an atmosphere with your vivid imagination. You write well, I'm not going to nit-pick the technical stuff as you will get lots of help with that from thoses better qualified. This has lots of potential, I feel. I wish you luck with it, SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi Luke,
This is really not my sort of thing at all. I had no sympathy for your hero from about half way through chapter one and by chapter 3 I was hoping someone would shoot him. On the writing front I thought you write very well and chapter 1 started extremely well. The aftermath of the explosion didn't really convince me because he seemed far too coherent for a man who just been in an explosion. The blast wave would have done nasty things to his eardrums which would have in turn made it difficult to walk and think.

Telling the story in first person is a major disadvantage because while you can describe things in third such as the hero staggering in a dazed fashion, what ought to come out in first is gerrrrrrrrrr.

Chapter 2 has some strange formatting issues with " coming out as vertical bars. My main problem was lack of sympathy with the main character. Perhaps others will enjoy him, I am simply one reader.

Chapter 3 has more of the strange formatting error. I've seen that before but I can't remember what the guy did to fix it. You dump a lot of exposition in all these chapters. Unfortunately, your heroes 'voice' makes me doubt any of it. It's a cynical view expressed by a cynical person, again this is a limitation of using first person, lack of objectivity.

I think that you may need to inject some humour into the chapters, that would take the edge off your character and make him more palatable. But again, you are hearing a single readers view.

I hope that helps
John

Talking to myself again...