Team Spirit

BACKED

Denise

BACKED

I get very little from comments about my own book, nowadays. Some people like it, some don't. Some people are too frightened to leave genuine feedback, while others seek to enforce their own style upon me. I want to get to the Ed's Desk to get professional comment. I would rather spend 30 quid than do all this reading and backing. I have got everything I want out of Authonomy community already. So I am backing your book so that you can reach the Ed's desk and get professional feedback, instead of the platitudes and devious backings that account for 80% of backing you receive. Only 20% of comments are genuine, and will add value to your work.

Now, who am I not to back you? I am not godlike. Your work might be flatly written, unoriginal or even down right bad. It could be wonderful. But in my experience, only you can be honest with yourself about your writing... and that is what matters.

So, I am backing you so you can reach the Ed's desk.


There you are.

BACKED
Hope you reciprocate.

This is a very well crafted story, beginning with a chilling, horrifying crime, and introducing several of the 'Team' by easy stages. We are given a chance to get to know Sophia, and to a lesser extent Nina; and then we move on to Kim and Marie. Sophia's point of view makes her the more immediate of the characters at first, and afterwards, Kim's point of view lets us inside her head and brings us close to her. You develop your plot with skill, taking us to meet a number of suspects and giving us lots of accurate detail of the police investigation. It's an interesting idea to approach the story through a number of people, a team, and to interweave the lives of them all, instead of having just one lead detective character. This has promise of great interest, and your smooth, polished style, free of distracting mistakes, allows us to read on happily. A very exciting and readable book. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Great stuff - exactly the sort of book I would buy.
The first chapter seemed a bit long, though.
Backed.

Interesting take on hate styles shifting across the pond.
It sucks the reader in, despite not really wanting to be sucked in by "burger-meat" mum.

Backed.
Neliza Drew

My kind of book. Professional cops on duty, dealing with villains. The whole thing is neatly done, no wasted words. You use multiple point of view which is quite difficult to pull off... perhaps consider breaking the different viewpoints into separate chapters, rather than shifting within the one chapter. The dialogue and characters are credible. Excellent.
Frank

confident opening introduces us to two members of the team, convincingly sketched in, and there's nice descriptive touches along the way, but nothing flashy or distracting, so we can focus on what's going on.

the flesh like burger meat is duly disturbing, the sense of detachment that comes with seeing it through their professional eyes is well done.

the fact that there's a cross burning then twists this off into something out of the ordinary and so sets the plot going.

i knew an andrew clarke (who doesn't? you'll say) so the scenes with him took some time to get used to .i got over that by deliberatley mispronouncing it in my mind as i read.

later in the book you mention that " if they find out about the bed, they'd crucify him anyway" so the crucifix theme is subtly maintained.

you are good at the conversations and understated descriptive flourishes.

this is a good, readable thriller which i would be happy to buy and read in its entirety.

shelved, and wishing you well with it.

freddie
("honour")

This story draws one in immediately and carries you along on a quest for the next page.
Some really good character descriptions and excellent dialogue add to a compelling read.
Screaming for a spot on my shelf, and well deserved. Backed!

Hi there, had a look at chapter one - has it been on Authonomy before in another guise? I'm sure I recognise the cover, but I may be utterly mistaken... got Authonomic version of the bends, I think! This was a gripping police procedural that was unafraid to take on some pretty big targets - racism and sexism. I liked the way the witnesses were questioned and angles came to bear, prejudices were exposed. The punch in the guts and the way the burning cross is brought to our attention - "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" - was an excellent exclamation point on the tale.

Glad to shelve, all the best

P

Like Christians have Christmas, we Hindus have Deepawali. It is a festival of lights where we believe that the Goddess of Wealth blesses the worthy. It is also the festival where we clean the whole house, from top to bottom, and replace as many old things with new ones as possible. So, in short, after my awful report card which I was given today, I spent three hours scrubbing the house, the last thing I was in a mood for was a new book.
But, wonder of all wonders, yours was amazing!
Female protagonists, unusual story line, intriguing characters and the book begins with a Bam!
There are some books where you ease slowly, testing the waters and there are some books where you jump headfirst. This is one of the latter. Your dialogues are crispy and usually suit the characters and the story line hardly gets flat.
All in all, you keep the reader turning the pages.
Amazing book. Shelved.

Cheers,
Shriya
Vanished Vivacity

I found this interesting because you so seldom find any novels where the main characters are female. And yet in your opening, most of the characters were women, and quite strong ones too. I liked that fact, and as a consequence, enjoyed the writing much more than if the characters had been men. Male officers dealing with crime are two a penny in most literature... but women are slightly rarer, and therefore, I backed this because of the originality. There is a place in the market for something of this ilk, and I think with a few more backings and critiques this will start to get more attention on site. Hope it all goes well for you. Best of luck. L.x

As always, I’m just giving my opinion and I’m not an expert. Feel free to ignore or disagree with anything I say. So …
Ch 1
Sentence beginning ‘They’d just come … ‘ might be better separated into 2 sentences than written with commas? Just a suggestion.
I remember when I looked at this ages ago I found the interplay between Nina and Sophia well done.
‘raucously’ doesn’t really seem to me to apply to a police car .. imho it refers to a bird’s noise. Is there perhaps a better word to use here? Maybe:
‘Three police cars, one of them unmarked, screamed from the ….’
Excellent description of the house fire. I can sense it all.
‘An adult body … ‘ Another run-on sentence – consider breaking this up or using conjunctions rather than commas. Up to you.
The view of the burning cross is a shock. And yet you’ve written it so simply it’s extra effective.
Good bit where you’ve got Kim and Marie in the car. This is very vivid. You might get some flack from the ‘show, don’t tell’ fanatics, but there are times where telling does work best. (Personally, I ‘tell’ too much, but I think a mix of methods is best.)
I would write ‘It was bizarre and disturbing’ rather than using a comma. (only imho, remember!)
Kim ‘observed’, rather than ‘declared’, about the KKK and the burning cross?
In the paragraph starting ‘Our only witness …. ‘ I think it’s correct to use a dash and then close the quotes. When you open the quotes again, use the dash afterwards. Like this:
‘ .. and headed off – ‘ She pointed …. Come. “ – in the opposite … ‘
This IS nit picking but I think that’s correct. (Noticed this again in Ch 10.)
Hmmm, the Clarkes are not very likeable people; that’s obvious from a lot of clues.
‘She tapped the end of the relevant organ.’ I’m really not sure you need this.
This is a good introductory chapter which sets the story up well.
Ch 10:
‘with a face like a cancelled wedding’ – good description.
‘What, you want the Dead March?’ * grin *
‘Sorry,’ he simpered.’ Um, I’m sure you can find a better word than ‘simpered’ here.
‘Nina had begun to doubt … ‘ Good paragraph.
‘I might as well warn you.’ Not ‘forewarn’.
(Ah, this is an observation … we tend to say Scotch and dry; I notice you use Scotch and ginger. Just a culture difference, I reckon.)
‘Common sense!’ Her eyes shone and … ‘ Hmm, to me, ‘shone’ is a positive when applied to eyes; is there a better word here? (Up to you, of course.)
After that row, the situation with Sandra and Neil is almost funny. This is well done; this contrast.
‘I’m serious,’ he laboured. Again, I think you can find a better word here.
‘Don’t worry, I’ll let her live.’ Nice line!
Oh, dear, what DID Paul admit to Nina?!
‘ into the bowels of the nick.’
And then two lines later;
‘Nick,’ the friend said.
Now, I KNOW the difference; this is however still slightly jarring and could be more so for non Brits who read this.
Heh! Loved the bit when Luke woke long enough to brag about how much he’d drunk!
‘ … so I thought he must be and all.’ I think you missed a word out or something here.
Yes, this is good reading and although I skipped from Ch 1 to Ch 10 it was not too confusing.
I hope these comments will be of use, even though they are nit picky. I’ve noticed we all tend to polish our first chapters but the latter ones need more work. Best wishes for this; I hope you have success getting it published one way or another. I can't remember whether I backed it when I first read it but I'm happy to do so now.
Regards,
Ariom

Team Spirit has an intriguing, well written pitch, and an opening to match. I like the idea of so many women detectives on the squad - all of whom you bring vividly to life. This adds a distinctive and refreshing dimension to the narrative and dialogue. This book has great potential, so I'm happy to back it.
The editor still has a bit of work to do, though. The pace of the opening raised my expectations and got me going, but things then fell a bit flat with an extensive almost verbatim interview with the babysitter's parents - did we really need to know all that instead of getting on with the action? The cliche zapper needs an airing, too, and the odd clumsy sentence distracted me [for example 'some of them were talking to television news crews, an outrider for one of whom...etc] Nothing a bit of pruning can't sort out, though. Good luck

You certainly have a knack for story telling, and an imagination to make use of it. I almost didn't continue after the synopsis because it sounded so horrific, but I did, and I'm glad. It comes across that you have thoroughly engineered you characters to every last little nuance, you know them through and through, and it pays off in the telling of the story. Your dialogue is good and your narrative is good, and I'm struggling to find something to crit you about. Excellent work.

Andrew

Firecracker of a start. Any suggestion I might've had was quelled by the third chapter, when your narration really takes on a depth of its own.

The chapters are a bit long, but only when reading it on a screen. On real paper this would fly by. You have a real kinetic pacing, and it's exactly what this genre is all about.

Kudos. And I'll be happy to give you some points.

=Miles=
taggers

I never did like babysitters. This is a thrill ride with flesh and blood characters and genuine dialogue. Love the premise. Shelved.

Ian
As promised I have started your book and i will shelve it. I have a few comments which i hope you find constructive. I can see where you are going with the cast but you rush so many characters on to the stage at the beginning to it clouds the development of the action and I can only guess as to who the main character are. The first chapter could easily to slowed down in order to button-hole the reader. I needed a visual sense the main characters; not all of them and not all at once but something to tell me who is to be important. If Beadle is central then something visual about her needs to be in the car scene. Will read on Mike

Ian, this is a compelling read. Can't fault it at all, except maybe you could split it into shorter chunks? Shelved.

Hi, Rob, sterling job here, well done. I particularly like your use of dialogue, it gave me the feeling that all your characters could actually exsist. I also like the fact that you have two female leads here, so often you get one of each and they always seem to be battling one another for supremacy. At least you have yours on an equal footing. Quite happy to put this on my shelf for a while.

Mark.

A professional extremely well presented introduction to what promises to be an un put downable thriller. I liked the predominance of female officers, I loved experiencing your expertise with the spare economical writng describing the neighbourhood, the crime scene, harrowing though some of them were. My heart jumped at the sight of 'charred fingers' and the implication of the oxygen mask onthe child.. You insertion of small details added to my involvement.
Writing of the higest calibre - wish I coulddo it!

A gruesome start but one that leaves no doubt:

“The house was halfway along. Flames gushed from the windows, into which the recently arrived fire crews were already training their hoses.... Four paramedics emerged slowly, carefully from the garden, two stretchers their burden. An adult body and a small child’s, wrapped in plastic, what could be seen of them a ground, charred mass, like half-cooked burgers.... Planted in the flowerbed by the front garden wall, simply fashioned from two sturdy pieces of timber, was a cross. It was six feet high. And it too was in flames.”

The investigation reveals:

“It had been confirmed by the investigators that the fire had been set using four chemical devices, probably with delayed action triggers; and by Scene of Crime that there had been no forced entry. Meanwhile the cross had been quickly identified as fashioned from two lengths of six by four pine,...”

But as to who had done it:

“... the search for witnesses was continuing. But as the count of shaken heads on doorsteps increased, so hope diminished. It was as if the fire, the blazing cross, had come from nowhere.”

This has all the ingredients of a Crime Thriller but it has something more, illustrated by passages such as this:

“It was the terrible fear, the knowledge, that though they might detect the perpetrator of the crime against Mrs McMinn, nothing, absolutely nothing, they did or said could take away what had happened to her. This was a woman who’d lived through a century during which the world had changed beyond recognition; who’d battled, loved and mothered through a world war, a depression, the collapse of an empire, the Cold War, man on the moon, the opening of the atomic and electronic ages; who’d witnessed it all, and come through adversity and triumph with a lifetime of achievement to mark against her name. But for Violet McMinn, an invaluable treasury of experience had been indelibly tainted in one hellish moment: what should have been final years passed in quiet, proud dignity obliterated by the senseless act of a scumbag with no regard for that worth.”

A well written and thoughtful addition to this much loved genre. Shelved.

Hey Ian

Great opening fella! This has the makings of a top thriller! It is full of lively and interesting characters and hooks galore! It's gonna be a real page-turner and I am looking forward to reading much more!

Simon (BLACK SHADOWS)

Hi there, This isn't my genre, but as far as I can see this has all the ingredients of a great thriller, action-packed and intriguing from the word go. This is a very visual piece of writing - I can see it as a screenplay or TV series. Good dialogue and great premise. Shelved.

Hi Rob.
You open this with a series of powerful images; the old lady they'd been to see, the bodies and of course, the cross. It could hardly grab the reader any harder! That cross is fixed in my mind as if I'd seen it on TV.
You follow with a very professional feeling start to the investigation and the questioning of the parents. And like all good thriller writers, you start throwing the reader hints. Already you've sucked us in and we're trying to second-guess you, to work out what's going on. Yet you do it so subtly, weave it into the subconscious.
Excellently done.

I only saw two nits;
I don't suppose anybody saw put it there.. missing *who*.
no-one's had time...there's no hyphen in *no one*.

This just has to go on my shelf, because it's too exciting to be passed over.
Cas.
KING'S ENVOY

Very nice read. Jumps straight into the action. Good dialogue and flows fairly well. Some editing issues but those are easy enough to fix. Giving it a run on my shelf!

Ian,
Love the cover, love the pitch. Who could resist reading this?
Snappy, believable dialogue, lots of questions raised that you just gotta find the answers to -
Very happy to back this.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

Right off we get the feeling that Sophia has been around enough to see plenty of terrible stuff in her line of work. What - a 90 year old getting abused? Tough stuff for an ordinary day. But the really question here is what happened with the fires. It looks like Nina, Kim, and Marie might be helping out? It gets interesting when Sophia and Marie question the Clarks. Some interesting mysteries abound - are they guilty? Where's the daughter? What's the Klan's involvement. All of these things kept me guessing and wanting to read more. And there weren't any typos (that I noticed), that slowed me down. Completely enjoyed it - shelved.

Ian
Great pitch - plenty to pull the reader in.
From the off I have respect for Sophia because of the attitude to her job. This is clever characterisation. And I have to applaud your opening chapter. What a way to hook a reader! From the point of the distant smoke I was interested, and then the cross on the lawn really got me. What on earth is going on?! Oh my, I have to read on. It is also very refreshing to see female characters taking the front. I think strengthening the pov may help make this even stronger writing, but like I said, you hooked me anyway. And I particularly enjoy your natural sounding dialogue and the beginnings of the investigation. A little tightening needed perhaps? But not much. Try ‘Self-Editing for Fiction Writers’ by Browne and King, it’s helping me a lot.
A gripping and visceral read!
Shelved with my best wishes
David
Green Ore

I have backed this thrilling book before! Happy to do so again, if it makes a difference?

This is well written, the dialogue is excellent, it has an air of authenticily. It all flows along nicely and is an exciting read - what more could one ask from a thriller? I back this book.
BADD

"Team Spirit"

Rob.
It is great to begin a book that takes the reader straight into the action, no pussyfooting around with long drawn out paragraphs of intro. Great start, and a wise one: female cops are definitely in vogue. Arson, murder, and a flaming cross, I couldn’t ask for more.

A great mix of characters, and your dialogue is some of the best I have seen here on Autho. Chapter two, slows down a bit, and I have to admit I did skip a couple of paragraphs, but that was only in my haste to get back to the real police work, which you have obviously researched meticulously, or indeed do have some personal experience.

Your writing has great pace, and is clear and easy to read. Throw in all of the above, add some racial tension, some right wing extremism, and I believe you have a winner. This one I would like to take to bed with me, and really get into.

I don’t do edits; I prefer to leave that to others more qualified than myself, (some just think they are.) But I don’t think you have a lot to worry about. Shelved!

CallumC.

Hello -

First off, I'm going to back this, because I think the genre itself has a better chance than many others.

Also, it's a good set up, and works well - I think it takes you a while to get into your stride, but that's OK.

One thing I would say - I used to be an editor - not a good one - but, I think if you look at every book, every post on here, they only use a single space after a full stop. Maybe it's a formatting problem with your ms, but I would hazard a guess that this would be a niggle at submission time.

I hope this does well for you,

Craig

I really like your story and the way you tell it.
One thing that really bothered me emotionally though is when you compared the burnt bodies to half cooked burgers.
Otherwise, a great story. Shelved
Tammy
The Chimney Still Stands

I lived in the Croydon area for more than 20 years and worked in the City. I guess you lived in this area.
In the first para ‘..watched them go past and then said, ‘ You don’t need ‘then’.

‘ “Are you alright Nina?” Sophia said.’ maybe better to use ‘asked’ since it is a question.
Not quite sure why you use ‘fixed her in their field of vision’ it could be said in an easier way.

The description of the man opening the door is good.

In paragraph ‘She suppressed a smile…” maybe this should be split. I am not an expert but it seems to me the POV changes here several times. If I’m wrong, tell me and I will edit out this comment.

I’m not quite sure which year this is set in but I don’t think it is possible to drive from the City of London to South Croydon in 40 minutes in peak rush hour. A fast train takes 15-20 minutes and a stopping train can take 40 minutes.

You have built up strong images of your characters and some of your descriptions are good. I found the first part difficult to read but later on the dialogue was better and believable. I wish you luck with your novel.

Tony

Hi Ian,
This is a well written detective story which kept me interested, Well worth a quick spin on my shelf.

My only concern about this story is the number of people we are following. If I'd been writing it I would have written it all from Larissa's POV. But it does have a cimematic feel to it and I could see the scenes in my head as it was written.

Good luck with this

John

Hey. This is one that I lost during the mess yesterday. I don't feel like writing it all over again...haha. So, just say I liked it, and very well done. Backed

Ian,

This is a gritty, fast who-done-it that has great dialogue and is well worth a spin on my shelf.

Amanda
Rescuing Liberty

Ian. Sorry - backed this ages ago but never got around to actually leaving any comments. But what can I say? Great opening. Love the way you started with dialogue. And all the dialogue itself seems very realistic. I really like the way you introduce each of your characters with just a little bit of backstory but not too much. But why *are* they all women?

This is an excellent crime novel. The fact that it is centred on a team of female police officers makes it more interesting than the usual idiosyncratic male detective and sidekick routine. The pace is good, your characterisations are first class and the dialogue is very believable. I think you should start with the burning house and the fiery cross. Put us right there to start with and then let the cast arrive.

This does exactly what a crime thriller should do; it makes you want to read on. There is a mystery to be solved but those charged with doing it are very human characters that also attract our interest. This is a better read than many I have read in this genre and worth a spot on my shelf.

Mike
(Miracle Boy)

Hi, Ian. A good police drama with an interesting cast of ladies. I'd happily read on, so this is shelf-worthy. The word 'cumbersomely' made me wince. Perhaps you could do a search for 'there was/were'. 'there were two cars' 'there was movement' 'there was a stong odour' - all three of these in close proximity. I's a valid contruction of course, but often you can find a way to avoid the words.

You might consider starting with the burning house. I didn't find your opening paragraphs much of a hook - and in fact the information given to the reader quickly disappeared in the new situation.

I thought your final paragraph in Ch 1 was fine - turn the page and find out what the pronouncement was.

But whatever my small crits might be, I read quite a bit of crime fiction. I'd pick this up in the bookshop or library. All the best.

Hey Ian,

Belated happy birthday! I made a few notes as I read - I hope you find them helpful.

Pitch

~ No nitpicks that I could find.

Chapter One

~ "Nina became aware that some sort of response was awaited..." - to me, "awaited" sounded out of place.

~ "A number of officers went about their business or stood around in the trailer in conference or awaiting orders." - I think a bit of tweaking is needed so you don't have "or" twice.

~ The dialog in the scene between the parents and police is very authentic sounding - I started to hear the characters talking in my head.

I would continue reading on it time allowed, which tells me this belongs up on my shelf.

~Traci

I like the opening situation - but not the "them" in your first sentence. For more punch, I'd focus on the setting, the firetruck, the flash - and let the characters come in with the dialogue.

The last paragraph of the chapter isn't fair to the reader. You let the characters hear the "pronouncement" but you don't share it. They are not surprised -- not surprised by what.....it feels like you're going for a cliff hanger, or a way to tease the reader into reading on - but this can backfire on you. Characters are our eyes, and here you have left me blind.

I went on to your chapter 11. Rework that first sentence - felt like a run on. The chemistry between the characters was there. Dialogue was good. In this chapter I noticed that you have a style of several statements to the reader that elude to "no one knew what would happen next" -- I think you could cut type of editorial throughout and just move into the action.

Overall though, my impression is that you have a strong story and good characters. I think it's very commercial and the setting works well. Good luck

I like that the dialogue starts right away and I think you depicted a very realistic police scene. You haev a way with writing speech, this is harder than people think and you have done it nearly flawlessly (the only flaw being that it is a little drawn out in parts.)
A good read.
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Hi Ian,

This seems very well structured, with realistic dialogue and probably the best police interviews I've read here so far. Your characters are all well-fleshed and individual despite the large cast, as you have a knock for interspersing description and backstory without affecting the flow of the story. Very well done.

Just a couple suggestions starting with your use of the word 'gushed' when describing fire and this caught me because to me 'gushed' evokes an image of water or something that flows--not fire. Also when the detectives were interviewing the Clarkes, I don't think they'd ask for permission to take the diary--they'd just take it!

One last thing, your chapters are very long--you might think about breaking them up to give the reader more of a break as they read.

That's all--I love it and I'll back it! ~Barb

Great story reminding me a little of Prime Suspect! Being an Australian it was great to read an English cop story.

Backed.

Jo xx

Spoilt, Fire Starter, Charlottesville and The Mystic Garden

Ominous opening but reads smooth and doesn't knock you on the head.
Cloud that guided Moses- good image!

OMG. What a horror scene! THe burnt bodies and the burning cross- now the pillar of smoke is also foreshadowing...

Aha, one of your protagonists is a female officer.. you'll like Orchid I think. And LawDog on Autho has said it best to me- police work is 99% boredom and 1% pure horror/terror. (check out his book Shiny Things BTW, fun read!)

I like how you've involved all the senses here.

"stepped cumbersomely" awkward sentence.

"She brought them up to speed" Unnecessary- obviously that's what's happening.

Seems like an awfully long chapter- recommend chap break after "All right?"

I think you could weed through the conversation with the Clarkes, cut it back a bit... we get the idea.

Nice hook into the next chapter.. reading on.

"Attracts disaster like piranhas to a ripple" - nice, original!

I think Lucky is a great handle for a cop *grin*

Juice up the hook as you end the part with Lucky...it falls a bit flat there. In general I think your chapters are too long, and you might want to amp up the tension at the end of each section. You do that, but intermittently.

Reading on...

Well needless to say I love this. Putting on my shelf with no further ado.
Aloha
V
Hawaiian Orchid

Hi,
This is very well written and the story draws you into itself well.

I enjoyed reading the part that I did because you have a very good ear fo contemporary speech and the dialogue is very well written. People often make the mistake of putting in too many actions and expressions which breaks up dialogue too much and you don't do this.
One might make the comment about show versus tell.
In the first chapter one example might be the para beginning 'Ballards'.
You could expand the description better than you do. Yes, technically it does describe but it is all telling. To show that it is a middle-class street you might describe something that happens like a dog passing through and being chased away by a gardner and the apearance of the people , the tidines, almost anal...etc.
Just a thought from a fellow amateur.
I suppose you might read my stuff and find I am no better at that than you!
I think the dialogue is great and all of it furthers the story and character development.
Backed.
Best,
Fred (Swords across the Rhenus)

Good premise but awkward sometimes on the text, but well worth the shelf space.

Hi Ian,

I like that you got right into the action. I was pulled in right away. I like your writing style, it’s smooth and easy to read. Great vivid descriptions. Good characters, they felt real and the dialogue was believable.

I like the fast pace, it adds to the excitement and energy.

This is very well written and was a fascinating read.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi Ian,

I enjoyed reading this a lot. Your dialogue flows easily and draws you into the team's investigation making you want to read on. Nice to see a story about female police officers in the UK! Good luck with it. Definitely worth backing.

Sara (The Organ Grinder)