The Beautiful People

Your title, pitch and story - they're all great, EJ. I was so bowled over by your pitch yesterday that I told another writer - Kimberly - how much I liked her story idea (with your title). In fact yours and hers are both excellent.

I was very taken by the way you bring your main characters in quite effortlessly in the first chapter. I liked Natalie and your use of the first person. This is sometimes tricky, but there's enough empathy pull there for it to work well. You also have an enviable feeling for spontaneous dialogue. I'm backing The Beautiful People and I want to read the rest of it to find out what happens with N. Best wishes and good luck - Phil

I love everything about this, the cover, the title, your name, it just all flows so well together. Then you start reading and your in love with Natlie instantly. You want to know everything about her. That's what I'm looking for when i'm in the mood for chick-lit, I do read them, but wouldn't admit it to just anybody. I want to fall in love with the mc and you made it happen from the beginning. This was an easy read and I read a little more than I normally did for that reason. I think it needs a little work, but we all do, that's what editors are for. As a reader, I love it and wish you the best of luck. Kennesaw

E.J, Phil Rowan recommended this to me and I'm not disappointed that he did. It has everything - suspenseful storyline; sympathetic main character; a light, humorous touch and all easily, beautifully written. Backed.
Lynn

I liked your long pitch but think you need to move the story on a bit quicker I have got to chapter four and all that has happened is she has started at Crimson seen the darker side of clubbing gone to another club kissed Dominic and been to college. To hold your readers interest something needs to happen in each chapter to want us to keep going. It’s all a girls chatting and do we need to know she is going to watch Runway. I don’t mean to be mean. I just want to be honest. You have a passion for writing you have out a lot into this so give it a chance. Set some real action, some foreshadowing. You have a good premise and your characters are believable. Ist what actually happens to move the story on in each chapter and maybe merge two chapters and make it a faster more compelling read. I wish you the best of luck. I have been on here 10 months and have had some really good advice that has improved my book no end.
Best wishes
Sue Mackender
Knowing Liam Riley – Please spend a moment to take a look

I hate chick-lit. I didn't hate yours, in fact to be honest I enjoyed it. well done. A nice read.
Best wishes,
Barry

This is a good story. I like the way you begin it with the club scene. Sets a tone for the chapters to come. You have a good character in Natalie. She's likable and sympathetic, the kind of character you want to follow until the end to see how all of this plays out. Enjoyed it a lot. I’m adding this to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

This is chick lit at its best! BACKED with pleasure!

Liz
The Cheech Room

EJ, your first chapter is a smooth read. My nitpick is at the second line. ...watched the crowd (of people)move with.... The words within brackets are unnecessary.

Happy to back this.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

I can't help wondering why this terrific book has a red arrow alongside it.

You build the atmosphere wonderfully, club life at its best.

Can't usually get along with first person but somehow you made it all work perfectly.


Happily Shelved

Melxx
Impeding Justice

I love your writing style it really works with the storyline. I wish you the best of luck. kind regards pinkcoffee 'In the Moment'

Nicely done. Love the pacing and kudos on crafting some authentic and enjoyable dialogue. I particularly like your MC's voice: strong, sassy, and lots of fun. :) Hope to see more posted soon! :D

- MA Hoak
The Secret Diaries of Alex Barnett

Hi, EJ. Whew. If the pitch don't get you the prologue will. Read through chapter 4. Good MC, easy to identify with and get to know the way you present her. Not far enough into the story to get to the meat of it but from what I've read so far it looks good. Excellent writing and the plot is interesting. Deserves attention. On my shelf for sure. Best of luck with it.

John Harold McCoy - Bramwell Valley

I adore this premise.
Reminds me of Mickey Blue Eyes, remember that movie? anyways, just a bit.
you have a great MC voice going on, one that will appeal to the chick lit fans out there.
Your writing is quirky and strong, but more importantly it is fun, which is what chick lit is all about.
There is action and there is mystery up front.
great title, pitch and cover too, they are all working for you.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Enjoyed the execution of this novel... learnt something. Also, your characterisation and description is sound for this genre. As for grammar, i cannot say, as I am absolutely blind when it comes to typos and spelling. For that, the wisdom of others must prevail.
Liked this.
Good luckk with it.

BACKED

This is a great read. I have only read chapter 1 so far, but it's definately the type of book I love to come across. I like the phrase "liquid courage," it hits the nail on the head. I will continue to read on as time permits, its still on my shelf.

Hey EJ,
I like the title and the cover you have used and what I've read so far is engaging and entertaining. After the first three chapters the reader is left wondering what’s going to happen to poor Natalie as she gets involved with Philadelphia’s Mafia via the club. I can’t blame her for being attracted to Dom as he’s got danger written all over him and don't we all like a bad boy? I also like the way you’ve grounded her life with her flatmate Chelsea, her art classes, plans for grad school and her love of running as it allows us to get to know her before the baddies come get her. Below is some minor copyediting that stood out as I was reading. Meanwhile, best of luck and I’m happy to shelve this.
Cheers,
Heather, Friends & Pho



Ch 1
“Hi, I’m Brittany. We didn’t get to meet earlier.” She introduced herself to me. It’s clear that she’s introducing herself so maybe delete the tag. Or change it to, “Hi, I’m Brittany,” she said, “we didn’t get to meet earlier.”
Drinking a beer and surrounded by a bunch of waitresses (delete and)
Grants beer (Grant’s beer)
I think that one of the reasons (delete ‘that’ as it trips up the reader and you use it twice in the same sentence)
Flirt the pants off of Dominic (delete of)
In any big city, gunfire was pretty common, and Philadelphia was no exception: this sentence doesn’t ring true and can easily be deleted. Maybe in certain parts of big cities, but I’ve never heard gunshots in my life and I’ve lived in New York (Manhattan and Brooklyn) and London.
After –hours and far -away(delete space)
If our Mom knew about half (mom as you have written it earlier)
The scene with the flatmates gushing is good as it reinforces the excitement of working for the club and quietens any bad feelings that might be rising after the gun shot and the warnings from her brother.

CH 2
Dominic kept me pinned. (You repeat this a couple of pars apart

CH 3
Couldn’t get Dominic off of my mind (can delete the second of or use out of my mind)
After the long weekend of substance abuse (may be technically correct but is associated more with illegal drugs than alcohol and she only seemed to be drinking, not taking drugs?)
It would be ridiculous get involved (to get involved.)
“What did you forget this time?” She joked. (“What did you forget this time?” she joked.)
Project Runway, The Exorcist (itals)
“and I’ll miss you more than you know.” (And)

This is not the kind of book I would choose to read, but I did enjoy what I read. It is witty, well written and flows at a good pace. I am sure this would be popular with the target audience and I am happy to back it.

Tony

Wow! You've got an engaging story right from the beginning. Your MC is fun, feisty and flirty--with just that bit of insecurity to make her real. I think you've done a great job with the dialogue, descriptions, scenery...everything. Just amazing. My only issue at all is a really simple one. Just grammar. You're missing a lot of proper commas, em dashes and other easy things like that. Just go through and make sure you've got them. I think you're going places with this edgy book!
Shleved.
Jenni James
The Northanger Affect

Atmospheric. You are very good at creating atmosphere. I could feel myself in Crimson, at the bar, watching Natalie down tequila, in the car with the four of them smoking, the whole thing. You conjure up a scene very well, then have characters speak in ways true to the venue. So many writers don't do that. You do. Well done.

And the characters promise to be quite interesting. I like the brother/sister thing between Natalie and Grant, Natalie's feelings about the "shallow" other girls (what does she think of herself, I have to ask, in that place), even Dominic, who I suspect has a threatening side.

Sort of like a family redemption tale meets the Sopranos. Although I am sure it grows in ways different and better than that. Shelved.

Hello EJ,

Great pace! Such a fast read and we're hurtled into the story and the passion right out of the gate.

Nicely done.
On my shelf
Cheers
Noony

Hi EJ
This is very well written and Natalie is instantly likable. Shelved.

Possibly because I've been reading so much young adult the action seemed a little slow to get started. i suppose as Chic Lit this is fine, but your pitch promised rather more of a thriller. I can't fault your writing or the way you draw characters, I certainly didn't see anything as mundane as a spelling mistake.

I'm becoming a fan of chic lit the more I read. If only I'd understood the way girls lust after men when I was young and single LOL.

Good luck with this
John

Very entertaining and well written from the truly unique perspective of a young woman who, in Chapter 12, starts to put the pieces together. This should lead to some interesting confrontations. Nicely done.
Natalie is an effective MC who will appeal to a wide audience - especially YA - with the spooning, texting and preoccupation with themselves. lol

I liked the way you developed your characters, Natalie, Grant and Dominic in particular.

You have made remarkable progress with this offering in a very short timeframe. You are to be congratulated for your hard work and determination to succeed as a writer. Shelved.

This is not really my type of read, but I have to say that I was captivated by your ability to draw us in straight away and the dialogue is great. It's all really punchy and full of life. Shelved today.
Hilarty waters (The Piazza)

Probably the most original opening to a book I've read so far. Shelved

Bj

HI,
I'm supposed to be readng other books right now but your cover and pitch drew me in. It's a great read, I was completely caught up in it. It's on my WL and I'll be coming back to it and I will be putting it on my shelf as soon as I have a space.
Frances

Hi,
First off, i like your pitch and book cover.
At the mention of the Philly mob i immediately thought of the david Kronenberg movie, A History of Violence. You should watch it if you haven't already, great film.
I like Natalie. She's a good MC. I think a lot of YA will like this. Your writing flows smoothly and sets up the unfolding story well.
Shelved.

Regards,

Mark H

Wow, I love the cover and title, and the story matched my expectations after seeing those! I love how the dynamic is set up from the beginning between Nathalie and her protector Grant. There are a lot of human interactions going on, the characters interact in a real way (i.e. everyone wants to be her friend to know Grant.) I will back this!

Very fast-paced read. The life of your protagonist is certainly taking a turn toward the great unknown. I like the angle of the brother being her boss. Excellent description of the night club scene. Could almost see myself there. And great concept, too. Best of luck with this. Shelved.
Tom Mahon
"The First Daughter"

You do want every romance needs to do - you create a barrier between the two lovers - in this case and overprotective brother - of course, he ends up being much more than that as he's able to bail out Natalie. I love how Natalie is one of the beatiful people, but is a little insecure at times. She's a likeable character how seems to enjoy playing with fire. Dominic is curious - we know there's more there and we are afraid what will happen it he gets too close. Absolutely loved this. Entertained - well paced, what not to like?

PS I've only heard a couple of songs by Marilyn Mason, and I just love the song Beautiful People. Sorry, just had to say it. Shelved.

EJ,

Here's my thoughts on your first chapter:

"The bartender, Dominic, i think his name was smiled..." I think you're missing a comma after "was."

Personally, I'd like to see a bit more tension in the opening, but you do a fine job of building Natalie's character (both good and bad) and I like how you described her brother Grant (hinting at his bad qualities, but also his protectiveness of her).

The chapter really picked up after the car scene... lots of tension and story questions raised there. I'd recommend getting to it sooner rather than later, but that's my personal opinion about the need to "hook" a reader from the first sentence/paragraph and never let them go by feeding them tension, story questions, and the like.

Even so, it was a good read and worth a spin on my bookshelf.

Best Wishes,
Joseph

I really liked your story, the clear and rapid way it moves, the characters -- all of it. If you don't mind, I'd like to point out the biggest problem I came across, one that can be easily corrected. Too many words. A few examples:
Dominic, I think his name was (, = another comma) ...goin'," (He = he = no Cap.)
"Hi. I'm Brittany.... (She introduced herself = delete. We know that.) ...from (in = delete) between
...impressive (of) a wad. I kept mine ... I looked (over) at the... sister ( , = delete)
I trust you get the idea. I hope my comments help. Oh, and may I tellyou - there's another book I read just recently with a Chelsea as the main character. Do you think you may want to change your name?
My book is Prides Crossing, a mystery and family saga spanning four generations. Perhaps you'd like to look at it and tell me what you thinik. I'd really appreciate it. Edie For now, much as I liked Beautiful People, I am putting it on my watch list so if you decide to tighten the story and let me know abour it, it will be easy to find. With a little bit of fine tuning, I will gladly shelve it. Edie

Hi EJ,

There is a lot to like about this, but let me start with the problems! The read starts off too slowly. While the writing was okay, there was nothing drawing me into to story. I almost moved on to the next book on the WL, but as is my routine, I completed the first chapter and I'm glad I did.

The writing could be a bit tighter, but you have a very good story going here....yes, it dosen't really take off until we are half way through the first chapter, but once it does it really flows. I like the characters....we know these people. The brother/sister interaction is familiar to most everyone. You are great at setting the scene...whether it's the club or the back seat of a car, you have a way of taking us there. I LOVE your attention to detail....little things like Chelsea not wearing her contacts and the poorly fitting glasses now in their place are wonderful descriptions.

I tend to be hardest on books that I believe have some real potential and this is one of them.

Lockjaw

Hello from Lexington Township!

I'm sorry, EJ, that it took me so long to get back to you! I seem to be swamped, lately, and authonomy has taken a back seat to my other commitments. However! I did get up early enough this morning to read some of The Beautiful People, before I have to head to the office.

All in all, this appears to be a well-written story and you do a good job setting the scenes-- noisy, packed bars are great places to expect the unexpected, and anything can happen there. Nat seems to be a bit lost... already bitter about men, like her mother is, after getting burned as a teenager. And because of that hurt, she's made choices that aren't always filled with common sense. I look forward to reading further to find out exactly how you develop this character, as well as those of Dom and Grant.

I'll throw in just a few nit-picks, because I know you want your MS to appear as polished as possible. There are many places where I feel you need commas, most especially when you are addressing someone, i.e. 'So what's your story Natalie?' and 'Don't do it Nat.' Commas before the proper names. (Commas are the bane of my existence...I use too many, instead, and then have to go back and weed them out. It seems like every time I take a breath, I insert a comma!) :o) Also, there was, I believe, a misspelling... 'Woah', instead of 'Whoa'? (And LOOK at the commas in that short sentence!! I told you!) :o)

I'm also curious as to your choices regarding para indents...sometimes you do and sometimes you don't. I was taught to ALWAYS indent a new paragraph, but most of the MS's here on autho simply use a double return with no indentation. So... who knows? I seems best to have consistency, either way. :o)

Another small typo...'His raised an eyebrow...' s/b 'He'.

EJ, these are only meant to guide you a bit when doing a proof-read. None of these are life-threatening (we ALL have them!) and I know you can easily fix them.

I'm wishing you all the best in your writing career, and have fun on authonomy! I'll be back to finish this when I have some free time. And hey... if you're getting sun in the southern part of the state, could you send some up north and west? PLEASE??? We're getting water-logged and moldy!

Take care, friend,

Karen

I should imagine that a mafia story written by a woman is quite a rarity? I like the originality of this and the effortless way it is written -

Hi EJ,

Love it. I had a fleeing it wouldn't be my thing. But I was wrong, not because of the subject matter - which I'd like to explore in reading the whole book, but because your writing is very real, very live and believable. I was there. excellent and happy to shelve, best MAT

E. J.

I love this your characters are so easy to relate to. I have to agree that this just doesn't feel like Chick Lit...which is usally not my thing...No offense to the genre. It is too gritty for that. Gritty here being a compliment. You easily weave your dialogue in and make this a very enjoyable read. I'm really enjoying it. Shelved.

Monique O'Connor James
Jamais Vu

Good stuff. Any book that takes place in Philly has got to be good. The pace is superb, the writing exquisite, and the story line if ull of passion. So be it. Glad to take it for a spin on my shelf.

The things people do and how easily we can slip into things. Well written, a story that is easy to get into. The dialog is strong and I like the relationship between Natalie and her brother. They really care and trust each other. Backed C.P

Dear E J

Oh dear, the poor girl, doesn't she realize what she is getting into.

A super read, seamy characters facing your MC. Poor naive thing.

You had me sitting on the edge of my seat, talk about nail-biting, this is highly dramatic.

It's heading for the bookshelf.

Respect.

Eleanor Anne Dudley.

Hi,
I read four chapters and liked it.
The story flows well and it has more than chick-lit potential because it has great story.
The hook of the shooting and the way it is swept under the carpet is a good undertow of suspense.

The story does entertain althought there is much in the writing style that needs editing and re-writing.
Even the very first paragraph needs punctuation and re-writing.
I think in terms of narrative style you have a tendency to say stuff without decribing it in sufficent detail - you tell instead of show.

Several books I have read talk about show and tell. What does that mean?
‘He was anxious’
– tells.
‘He was sweating. Small beads of perspiration shone like tiny dewdrops on his shiny forehead as he drummed his fingers on the phonebook. He stood up, glancing at his watch. He jumped when a soft tapping on the door revealed the time had come.
– shows; we can feel what the man feels.

I think you could spend some time on introspection, showing us what is going on in the MC's head. How does she really feel about Dom? What does she think might happen if she works somewhere where people get shot? Does she think police bribery is OK or does it offend her?

Please take all this with a pnch of salt - I'm unpublished too, so what do I really know?
Take a look at one of my books and decide if my advice is any good.

I have backed this because it has an evolving story that is interesting and potentially gripping.
Best,
Fred (Swords across the Rhenus)

EJ-

This is a fantastic storyline! Love it...

Couple of notes:

Your short intro - I like it, but I wonder if you need the last two sentences. It may be a stronger intro if you leave it simply at the opening question and leave out "Trouble happens. And lots of it." You already hint at the trouble with the opening.

Your long intro - I would suggest splitting your first paragraph into two - with a hard return at the sentence that starts with "After." (They are really two different thoughts, so in my opinion, should be two different paragraphs.)

Also, I did see a couple of punctuation errors, but won't list them as you mentioned this is in the process of being edited/re-written. I figure you've captured and corrected them. (If you haven't had someone else sit down with a red pen to catch these things for you, you might want to. A fresh set of eyes is always helpful!)

Overall, this is very well written and easy to read. Your voice - from a woman's perspective - is just right. It's easy to relate to Natalie's inner thoughts and self-conscious nattering. Well written, great job! Best of luck to you.

Kim
Invisible Justice

I read to the end of c.5...usually I only read the first 3 chapters. You've got great narrative drive going for you, and on that basis, you're shelved.

Three suggestions:

1. eliminate most of your starts and begins in their various tenses, etc. (The Starting Syndrome)...much stronger writing to simply have the character do it than start to do it. (BTW, I note that your first priority is to entertain, but you have to get published first to be able to entertain; eliminating the Starting Syndrome will take you one step closer to that goal.)

2. Your MC's voice needs more individuality...this is the problem with writing in First Person...agents and editors are looking for a really fresh voice. Getting a character's voice right takes a lot of work. You go back to your characterization and deepen it until you can hear that character's words, and the way she says them, in your sleep. But once you've done that, you'd be amazed at how easy it is to re-write.

3. Structure: If this story is a romance, then the existing structure is probably fine, but it's more than a romance, isn't it? If so, then I would have something happen by c. 5 that relates to the main story. Just a suggestion.

Isn't writing fun! I can't believe how much I love it, even the hard parts. Best of luck with this.

Cheers,
Sheryl (read mine? Backing optional.)

Hello EJ,

This is a great idea for a story and you clearly have all the elements of craft needed to make it work. The dialogue is fizzy, pacing just right and characterisation strong. It deserves to go much higher.

Shelved and good luck.
Tony (Sirocco Express)

Hi EJ,

Great pitch; it’s what persuaded me to read your book.

The narrative voice is very authentic; Natalie felt very real. I felt an immediate connection to her. Great use of dialogue; it felt natural and not forced.

It’s funny, engaging and clever. The writing is tight. Best of luck.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Has all my fav elements: quirky characters, fun dialogue, some bling and a thrilling plot. Great read and wish you the best with it. On my shelf.

audible pouts, vip toilets, drugs and gunfire

there's a lot of attractive gloss in this story and it's written slickly, too

the premise is strong, her voice as narrator sounds believable

and you get the story moving quickly, introducing her and her bro and crimson and dominic and brittany and the drugs and the shooting without wasting a sec

shelved, this is enjoyable, a bit of humour, a lot of darkness seeping in from the edges..

i am backing this now and wish you well with it

freddie

("honour")

Shelved it in the week but finally dropping a comment!

'...when Dominic replaced Grant's beer.' Apostrophe needed.
Are rufies spelled rufies or roofies? I've seen them spelled the second way but not the first, so I'm not sure.
'I took a step back and laughed' - may be better in a new paragraph to keep it separate from her friend's dialogue. Same with 'Out of the corner of my eye' and 'I enjoyed the view', 'His distance bothered me' at the beginning of chapter 2; 'Chelsea was leaving for an internship' in Chapter 3 Gives pause for the reader.

I like this immediately. Reminiscent of my nights working in nightclubs and you've nailed the descriptions and pace. I love how quickly the action comes in the first chapter (bent cops) and there's a premise for all sorts of danger and secrets to come spilling out in this tale. Good balance between dialogue and descriptive narrative/back story, something I need to work on.

EJ,

I just read three chapters and this is not my normal reading genre but it is definitely exceptional writing. I didn't catch any mistakes and I usually can't say that about the majority of stories here. Your dialogue, characters and voice are great and you have excellent chapter endings. I put it on my shelf and wish you great success in your future literary career.

Kind Regards,

Keith G.

This is a professionally written story. Instantly engaging characters. Fast-paced prose. Sharp dialogue. A riveting premise. Best of all, this novel is character-driven. SHELVED!

Hi EJ! I immediately loved your premise and having read much of your book, clearly there's a lot going for your work. Sex and the City meet The Sopranos. :) Your narrator, for example, is solid. If I could have one wish for this book, though, it would be for a more dynamic first chapter. All the elements are there, they just need reorganizing, in my opinion. The first few paras, for example, don't really draw the reader in, at least this reader. Which is a shame, because people should read your work. For me, the thing that makes the first chapter pop is the gunshot and the relationship between the narrator and her brother. The other things, while necessary no doubt later on, aren't as compelling as those two things. Just a suggestion. In any case, I look forward to seeing what happens to this book. Best wishes for it and your writing.

Michael
The Last Coming Out Story

I was a little confused by the 'unmarked police car'. If it was unmarked, how did they know what it was. Then a 'policeman' got out. If he was in uniform, what was the point of the unmarked car and if he wasn't in uniform, how did they know he was a policeman. No-one else seems bothered by this but it interrupted a good story for me. Apart from that, this is a great read and promises lots more to come. On my shelf, Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

EJ

Your opening is evocative. With a few words you create a picture of a busy club. Very well done.

My only comment, is that the MCs response to "How's it goin'" - over the loud music is perhaps a little long. "Great" would've been enough for me.

I get the impression of a crowded club, with people packed close, but you never say that. That's great writing.

Your dialogue's good and there's instant chemistry with Dominic and Natalie. And Grant's low key big brother reaction is perfect.

The pay-off the cop is a nice way of showing something's up without getting into the detail too early. The reader wants to read on to find out what. (At least I did.)

Your Don, you've got me thinking of him as Mr C, is well drawn. And Grant's discomfort at Natalie's increasing involvement is palpable.

This is chick lit with an unexpectedly hard edge and I liked it.

The only observation I have is that I think you'd could tighten up your pitch, it doesn't do the story justice.

I'm shelving this.

EJ,

This is an immediately entertaining read. You really hook the reader and never let go. I usually have to like the main characters to get involved in a story. I don't know that I like Natalie, a bit wild for me, but that didn't matter because you are so deft in your handling of the action.

Nicely done.

On my shelf,

ML