Lunar and Sol

Your wonderful imagination has created a beautiful, consistent world full of magic and poetry. The fight between Sol and the man who had a son is gripping and exciting, a marvellous action scene; but it is also moving and tragic. If only, we feel, the man had accepted Sol's mercy, instead of attacking him unexpectedly, forcing Sol to fight on. The grief of the son, turning to hatred, is a very believable reaction. Sol's father, who wants Sol to kill his opponent, while Sol doesn't see the point of this, is a strong character; while Sol himself, no less strong, wants to follow his own beliefs. His meeting with his friend Farem at the market gives him a chance to discuss these beliefs, and to let us see that his grief for his mother's death at the hands of the Night people makes him feel drawn to attack the Night realm. Farem is an interesting chaeacter, individual and colourful; a man who has his own ideas. This is an enjoyable, interesting scene. But when Sol arrives back to see two Night warriors tumble down the Palace steps, and hears that they have stolen the crown, it is instinctive to him to set out after them, in his cloud boat - a marvellous touch. You draw your strands together well, and produce a strong story thread, which pulls us in to want more. Your writing has given us an atmospheric picture of a land where warriors fight with swords, like knights, where the heat and smells of the market come alive, where girls bask by the pool, and Sol feels that, 'He was struck from range by the eye of a woman.' Your invention flows in torrents, and sweeps us along. This is an enchanting book, a delight to read. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

Hello Adam,

This is not my familiar genre, but you have written a lovely and interesting story. Your depiction of the different forces, scenes came out very well . You also did a great job in crafting the characters and portraying their emotions, actions and words. The plot adds to the quality of story and the pacing and smoothness of your writing can easily make the reader to forget that he/she is reading a fantasy.

This is a work that deserves to be shelved.

All the best.

Janvier(Flash of the Sun)

Hi Adam!

Since you haven’t been to Authonomy for a while, I hope it’s okay that I’m sending this through your book comment:

I’d like to thank you for backing BRAINRUSH (a Thriller) last year. Because of you it hit the Authonomy Number-1 slot, attracted an agent, and landed a film option. Now that’s a brain-rush! The formal book launch is September 1st and the sequel will be released in December. None of this would have been possible without your help. So, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!

Sincerely,
Richard Bard, BRAINRUSH

PS. If you want a good laugh, check out the temporary book-trailer video on the BRAINRUSH website. It’s there as a placeholder for the upcoming professional video. The current one features children and it’s guaranteed to make you smile! And yes, the younger kid on the screen is really me. You can see the video at www.RichardBard.com. The link is also on my Authonomy profile page. Special offer for former Authonomy backers between now and the formal launch on Sept 1st: If you would like to receive a “Review” copy of the eBook (plus 2 FREE thrillers from the Kindle Top-20 PAID Bestseller list – yes, really), go to the website, click the “Contact” button, and leave a message that includes your Authonomy username and the secret code words “I Feel the Rush!” Details of this promo will be emailed to you. Thanks!

Consider reducing the number of exclamation marks by half. Overuse diminishes their effectiveness. Other than that, this is an exciting fantasy adventure. Pleasingly visual. Crisp dialogue. Vivid characters. Captivating pacing. Imaginative world building. Well thought-out, intriguing storyline. A highly enjoyable read. Backed.

The imagination used here is very much to my liking. It is my kind of story ;-). The word crafting is exquisit. I feal however that this either verges on, or is litterary fiction, and fantasy combine. Personally I am more into commercial fantasy, but that's just me. This has definate odes of Shakespeare and 'Romeo and Juliette'. I can see that you (like me) are a big Shakespeare fan. Only I think he probably would have killed to have the imagination that you have ;-). To my mind Shakespeare was one of the first fantasy writers in English history. You show great promise. Get this published and keep it up!

I would just like to say that the fragments are intentional, as is the capitalisation!! Also, paragraph breaks are used for imagery. These are INTENTIONAL devices!!

Needs a little edit BUT full of wonderful imaginings...lovely read.
Backed with pleasure! Good Luck!!
A look at Sicilian Shadows would be greatly appreciated.
Frank.
If you back my work, you may also want to approach BJD (a big supporter of Sicilian Shadows) for a further possible backing of your book
Could you also have a read (if you haven't done so) of 'Moonbeam Highway' by Tim Chambers, a wonderful book that at present sits on the Ed's desk.

This is interesting, but writing needs work. The narration is delightful and full of vivid imageries, but the construction is wrong at times.... backed for potential.

Excellent beginning. Immediately, the reader is grasped and pulled in to this premise and intrigued by the realistic potential. Your attention to detail increases the believability, and your characterisation is incredibly realistic.

Backed with pleasure.
Abi xxx

I love the story, your imagination is full and wonderful. However I found this one disjointed in spots making it diffiicult for the reader.
"A Sol leaned down, his opponent thrust up his sword. Sol jumped bacl His opponent's lower lip rolled inward. A glimpse..." Maybe comibine some of this, remember we know who it is, repeating his name so much is distracting from the pleasure of the excellant story. E.Loraine.

I've read ch 3 as you suggested, and I like it a lot. Your style stands out from most on here, and Lunar and Nurse are very interesting characters. One typo: "I am reminded constantly, Nurse." Anyway, great stuff.

Chapter three - seems fine to me. (maybe a bit modern but Iike that) Things seem in keeping with other chapters. I liked selfish hog!
a zoomer

It is morning, the clouds hug he mountains. This story indeed has depth and wonder as it promises.
A zoomer - a boomer with zip
Going Out in Style

'Night Elite', 'lips of blood', what an exquisite combination of a command of words and concepts.
A zoomer

There is the story which is a fine story and then there is the description of the night palace. I am fascinated with the difference between night and day so I am appreciate how you have developed the setting so well (and without cliches)
a zoomer

We start with the end, our hero is sun struck and has a fading echo tell him that he has a son. And then there is action. Day warriors and night bandits.
On to Chapter 3.

Hi Adam, I read five chapters and found myself completely absorbed, although I don'T usually read this kind of genre. From the battle in the first chapter, the pace is swift and action-packed, and the tale is speckled with some wonderfully imaginative imagery.
Backed with thanks, Barry
l
LITTLE KRISNA AND THE BIHAR BOYS

All I can say is "wow"! You've not only pulled off a half-mythological, solemn tone, you've done it well, and you've also infused it with some very richly drawn characters and situations that elicit real emotional responses. Excellet job!
RC
The Lighthousers

Marvellous display of sheer style, making full use of the poetic dichotomy of light and darkness. Truly visual, and epic. :)

Lunar and Sol:

Adam,

As Sol emerges from the darkness into the bright arena for the fight your description of the setting creates a moodd or menace. The description of Sol's strong physique and long training heightens the anticipation of a major clash.
At the point where, out of honour for a Brother Sol cannot kill his opponent I felt there was, in addition to the vivid detail of the encounter, a satisying but not preachy sense of morality in Sol's attitude and he is the more admirable for his showing mercy.
This is strongly reinforced when Sol questions his father's ruthless attitude to all those he conceives of as his enemy and it is refreshing to find in Sol a hero who does not relish the taking of blood out of any callous or sadistic drive, but only out of a system of fair defence of his community.

Backed.
Ray
(A Child from the Wishing Well)

blood-streaked
The young boy whose father refused to yield, even though the son begged him to do so, is now claiming royalty killed his father? That seems a bit off. Grief I can understand, and the need to blame someone, but that just rings false.
"...descended down..." Descended and down are the same thing. You can't descend up or sideways.
"Long white hair flapping..." Everything from this sentence on is out of place. Grammatically, the following sentences are wrong. They are a continuation of the sentence before and should either be put with them or the verb changed to reflect a complete sentence. His long white hair flapped, etc. They are fragments and need to be joined or made independent sentences.
"Let us celebrate this great event when my son..." No comma is necessary here.
"You shall be silent, son!" Comma since Sol is being addressed.
jaw line -- no dash It would be better as, "...his jaw twitched..." The jaw line or jawline doesn't twitch; it's the muscles in the jaw, anatomically speaking. The jawline is the line of the jaw and is composed of bone. Bones don't twitch. Ligaments, sinews and muscles twitch.
"Their stamping feet grew faster and faster..." Their stamping feet drummed or sounded faster, but they don't grow faster. The sound grows, not the feet.

It's obvious that Sol is in opposition to his father's rulings and his conscience twinges at killing his own people. The first part of this is very active and the scene is palpably real. Then the writing falls apart. It seems you're sacrificing the story for style and it muddies everything.

Even so, the tale is dynamic and full of hurdles and issues that will drive the action forward. It needs to be edited and proofed thoroughly. The style is inconsistent and the rhythm falters. There is a good foundation, but the upper walls are not as securely set and built.

JMC

Thanks for some of the most useful constructive crit I've received. I've made most of the changes that you suggested. The use of present participle verbs is influenced from McCarthy's The Road (among others). I was also intending to use his 2nd person fragments. The paragraphs are very short but I wanted to write the story in a style that suits. I hoped that the fragments and breaks would help punctuate images (grammatically incorrect but modern). I will seriously consider conventionalising the style after this great feedback. Thanks again.
Adam (Lunar and Sol)

blood-streaked
The young boy whose father refused to yield, even though the son begged him to do so, is now claiming royalty killed his father? That seems a bit off. Grief I can understand, and the need to blame someone, but that just rings false.
"...descended down..." Descended and down are the same thing. You can't descend up or sideways.
"Long white hair flapping..." Everything from this sentence on is out of place. Grammatically, the following sentences are wrong. They are a continuation of the sentence before and should either be put with them or the verb changed to reflect a complete sentence. His long white hair flapped, etc. They are fragments and need to be joined or made independent sentences.
"Let us celebrate this great event when my son..." No comma is necessary here.
"You shall be silent, son!" Comma since Sol is being addressed.
jaw line -- no dash It would be better as, "...his jaw twitched..." The jaw line or jawline doesn't twitch; it's the muscles in the jaw, anatomically speaking. The jawline is the line of the jaw and is composed of bone. Bones don't twitch. Ligaments, sinews and muscles twitch.
"Their stamping feet grew faster and faster..." Their stamping feet drummed or sounded faster, but they don't grow faster. The sound grows, not the feet.

It's obvious that Sol is in opposition to his father's rulings and his conscience twinges at killing his own people. The first part of this is very active and the scene is palpably real. Then the writing falls apart. It seems you're sacrificing the story for style and it muddies everything.

Even so, the tale is dynamic and full of hurdles and issues that will drive the action forward. It needs to be edited and proofed thoroughly. The style is inconsistent and the rhythm falters. There is a good foundation, but the upper walls are not as securely set and built.

JMC

I backed this for your excellent premise. You've obviously a great imagine and work well to take an idea to a full blown story. There are lots of nice touches to the book. I've only read the first two chapters so what i'd be looking for in the next would be more emotion from your characters giving them a little more life as they can appear stilted. This might just be a plot device revealing more later one. Top marks for plot, hope the characterisation comes through to match it.
David
Bailey of the Saints

HI Adam
This isn't normally my kind of book but I was drawn to it as I thought the title was intriguing. However it is very imaginitive and unique with really clear, vivid scene setting.
Backed
DP Walker
Five Dares

Sol is a great character, and you draw him well in his world. sure to back, on watchlist for now...
su dan; please try 'seasons'

Hi Adam
This chapter - 3- is ecxellent. gets the values on Luna across clearly.
brings out Lunars wishes.
I presume second sentence last para, you DID'NT mean ...her BREASTS..were rampant. You have breaths
Otherwise perfect.
Look on my shelf .
Backed
Micheal
Micheal

Spectacular scale and imagination.
wonderful story delivery.
boy does Leo love his hair.(chap 5)
Watchlisted.
Micheal O'Durcain
Murder on the Menu.

great read so far. Has me engrossed despite not being my normal genre. Look forward to you posting more of the story. I found the read fascinating. Backed and with pleasure.
Raven Scott (Love is a colour too) (another romance but in a more down to earth setting, I lack your imagination!)

Dear Adam, I got so excited when I saw that you had backed, "He Loves Me." Thanks so very much. :) Since I have already "backed" & "commented" on your book, I came to your "comment" page to help it advance more. I will also put it on my "watchlist" to hopefully help it move up (everytime someone comments/backs my book, it moves up. Could you please take a moment to back my unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." I'd be ever so grateful. :)
Love, Susie :)

Dear Adam, I love your combo of science fiction, fantasy, & romance. :) Your opening, too, was quite a start with, "THE END." :) What humor! :) Your story is a good read because you create interest by having short paragraphs & lots of dialogue, which makes me want to keep reading to find out what's going to happen next. I'm backing/commenting on your book to help it advance. Could you please return the favor by taking a moment to back/comment on my TWO books, "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not" & the unedited version? "Tell Me True Love Stories." Thanks, Susie :)

Descriptions are other worldly and dialogue enchanting. I will come back to read more, and more, and more. Until it's all done.

Backed
D. J.

LUNAR AND SOL:

Adam,

An allegory? No doubt. Because wisdom of thought lies beneath the action and the drama and the romance and the dialogue in this beautifully written sci-fi fantasy novel.
Lyrical descriptions and imagery enrich the story and make this a joy to read.

What I really like in Chapter one, in the bloody battle between Sol and his opponent - a scene which is brought vividly to life by the immediacy of the prose - is the emotion Sol feels and expresses and makes us feel, at having to fight a dual against a man he clearly knows has every right to live, and who he doesn't want to kill. Often in fantasies the emotions of the characters are neglected in the seemingly more important elements of action and adventure. You touch our heart strings, and we have an immediate empathy for Sol.

My eagle eye noticed one or two very minor things:'

"Bloodshot black pupils" - Can they be both? Only the area surrounding the black pupils would be bloodshot.
"He watched the cloud strands wisp over his fallen opponent. He felt the cool strands slither around his shins." In the interests of rhythm, I would delete the second He, and change around to round. "He watched the cloud strands wisp over his fallen opponent. Felt the cool strands slither round his shins." Just a suggestion.

A typo: "Not again!" the King threw his jug . . . Should be The King . . .
And: "Kill him. Kill him. Kill him." they chanted like a heart beat. Comma after the third 'kill him'.
Ellipses should have a space before the first dot and a space inbetween each dot and a space after the last dot. Tiny things these, I know, but sometimes . . . difficult to spot.

You should add: Literary Fiction to Fantasy, Romance and Science Fiction.

I have really enjoyed reading this enchanting novel. Good luck with it.

Backed.
Sheila (Pinpoint)

Lunar and Sol
Adam Paris

This is a fascinating plot. The idea of these two realms within the facets of your imaginative plot is so stimulating and reminds me of age-old disputes, intellectual, theoretical, fictional, historical - you name it. This is steeped in emotion, intelligence, fantasy, magic, poetry and so much more. I love the atmospheric, poetic feel - simply creative genius. You write with class, clarity, crispness and the strength of your plot as well as your unique writing style will surely make this a huge winner. I do not comment on editorial issues - simply as a reader and I enjoyed your piece. Hope you find a publisher soon.
Zan

What an imaginative story! Good characters. Good settings. Makes this a good read. I'm adding it to my shelf. Burgio (Grain of Salt).

Luna And Sol
Stunning, somehow you have kept the fantasy so grounded; I suspect not an easy thing to do with such a vivid imagination. This is at times lyrical in its description and its dialogue is good (just be aware of the over use of Sol). This is a very, very good story.

Adam, your chapters one and two read smoothly. Good job. My only nit is when you write things like: and heard the Warrior chants through the window. If you are in Sol's point of view, saying he heard something is usually not necessary. I would rewrite as: The warriors chanted through the window as he rubbed his eyes. I hope this helps.

Happy to back the potential of your work.

Joffrey (The Silver Spoon Effect)

Wow, I'm not the most eager person in the world when it comes to reading Fantasy but your cover and pitch really tempted me. What won me over is your writing! It's so wonderfully vivid and such a pleasure to read. I loved opening in the night, in the dark. You've got such a great visualization of the contrast between night and day. The idea of a war between the two is genius. I honestly can't say how much I enjoyed this, it's so different and I love that in a book.

I'm not the best person to have proofread or look for mistakes, I'm just a reader! But you took me someplace new, made me think, and got me to really enjoy a Fantasy book. So in my opinion, you did a good job!

Missy
Mark of Eternity

Your wonderful imagination has created a beautiful, consistent world full of magic and poetry. The fight between Sol and the man who had a son is gripping and exciting, a marvellous action scene; but it is also moving and tragic. If only, we feel, the man had accepted Sol's mercy, instead of attacking him unexpectedly, forcing Sol to fight on. The grief of the son, turning to hatred, is a very believable reaction. Sol's father, who wants Sol to kill his opponent, while Sol doesn't see the point of this, is a strong character; while Sol himself, no less strong, wants to follow his own beliefs. His meeting with his friend Farem at the market gives him a chance to discuss these beliefs, and to let us see that his grief for his mother's death at the hands of the Night people makes him feel drawn to attack the Night realm. Farem is an interesting chaeacter, individual and colourful; a man who has his own ideas. This is an enjoyable, interesting scene. But when Sol arrives back to see two Night warriors tumble down the Palace steps, and hears that they have stolen the crown, it is instinctive to him to set out after them, in his cloud boat - a marvellous touch. You draw your strands together well, and produce a strong story thread, which pulls us in to want more. Your writing has given us an atmospheric picture of a land where warriors fight with swords, like knights, where the heat and smells of the market come alive, where girls bask by the pool, and Sol feels that, 'He was struck from range by the eye of a woman.' Your invention flows in torrents, and sweeps us along. This is an enchanting book, a delight to read. Backed.
Gerry McCullough,
Belfast Girls.

I am speechless at the quality of your writing.
Frank

A fan of sunlight and heat felt awkward. I understand what your trying to do, but I would separate the two, or pick just one (sun/heat). "Cloud" echos. You mention heat/sun in the beginning and about a qtr of the way down you describe it as being cool "cool winds'

I think you have a good story brewing...it needs another draft, but keep going. I don't usually read this genre, so I can't give you much in the way of criticism.

Cheers,

Dwayne

A fan of sunlight and heat felt awkward. I understand what your trying to do, but I would separate the two or pick just one (sun/heat). "Cloud" echos. You mention heat/sun in the beginning and about a qte of the way down you describe it as being cool "cool winds'

I think you have a good story brewing...it needs another draft, but keep going. I don't usually read this genre, so I can't give you much in the way of criticism.

Cheers,

Dwayne

Magical and quite entertaining! Grips the reader to every line.

Backed with pleasure

Chapter two reads alright to me, Adam. I am too busy to read all there is here, but what I have read convinces me that you have an epic tale on your hands? keep going and get better as you go, and then the success will come naturally. I wish you all the luck in the world with this book. I will back it as soon as I have got the space on my shelf.
Norman. The Witch of Hambone books 1,2,&3. And, Muddledydo.

Adam, not only does your name sound like a best selling author but you write like one as well! Seriously you have such a gift for descriptive prose and metaphors. You hook the reader in after each chapter compelling them to keep going! Backed with pleasure! I want more of this!

Liz
The Cheech Room

This was an excellent lunch time read. Your characters are well developed and full bodied, dialogue spot on and the wonderful dichotomy of the setting is a brilliant idea. Fantasy at it's best. Good luck with this. Jim Darcy The Firelord's Crown (formerly Serpent's Blood)

Adam,

Lunar and Sol - a dreamlike allegory, spangled with amazing lines ... The opponent held his sword edge against his chubby nose and smiled, revealing two missing front teeth. Silence. ( I'd take out the repeat of chubby nose from the next line). ... 'Useless ancient customs!' He slammed his other fist into the mirror ... Blood speckled his broken reflection ...
Lunar abides in solitude. Her father is a social perectionist. And this amazing image ... the old man ... a puddle of urine at his feet. It glimmered in the moonlight like a dark mirror ... Well, it's a feast, in need of a fine edit.

Backed with pleasure. Pia (Course of Mirrors)

I love the cover, simple but very effective. The opening is brilliant with a great battle about to start and then beginning at the sound of a great horn. Excellent almost poetic descriptions make this exquisite to read and easy to follow, excellent, backed with pleasure.

Sandie
The Crown of Crysaldor

I learnt from this a lot. i have a first chapter that needs to pick up a lot from your dialogues and scenes. what a great subject and story. I really enjoyed reading it. Sol is a good character. he is against killing others to claim his status. that is very good. still the fighting scene was very entertaining. I back your book with pleasure.

shah

I don't understand why this isn't further up the charts, start promoting it for God's sake.

Stunning action filled read, with dilemma's thrown in for good measure.

It got my heart racing and in my book that's always a good sign I'm reading something excellent.
Good luck with it.

Melxx

why the FUCK does this have a red arrow!? seriously bro this is good. "What was before the Big Bang?" ....screw you! why? because I know your answer to that question is way out "in the back", probably not even in the 43k words up here. damn you. also, you keep ending the chapters with stuff that makes me want to continue reading. so damn you again. oh and every sentance is in place and the story flows like the tension in the first chapter. so damn you thrice. I would buy this book and then have sex with it :\

You have a very vivid and engrossing imagination. I can only imagine the work, time and thoughts that went into crafting this. Highly entertaining read. This is what fantasy is all about, different, new and engaging. You have painted this with broad strokes but you have selected a theme that has detail. This had me thinking over it after I had read it. I initially read the first htree chapters last night but this morning couldn't shake it. The prose in this is enough to drive any writer envious of your talent. This reads so soft on the tongue that it could be poetry. Flowery and rich.
Backed
T.L Tyson-Seeking Eleanor

Lunar and Sol seems like an allegory for the human struggle to find racial harmony, and this rather distracted me into hunting for deeper meanings rather than enjoying a good fantasy. My problem, not yours - as a fantasy this is highly imaginative and well-written, and will appeal strongly to your target audience, so I'm happy to back it.