Justice Served

Thoroughly enjoying this read so far, intrigued to know what happens next. Brilliant character development that helps the reader build an instant dislike to Faella, and feel ourselves fimrly in Sera's corner. Well Done, backed.

Hi S.E. - I'm a Canadian too! And I absolutely love your book - I read the first two chapters and can't wait to read more. Great pace, loved the characters - I wouldn't change a thing. Shelved.

All the best,

Melissa

Another Canadian here, but that's not the only reason I'm shelving your book. Patriotism can only go so far, eh?

I'm shelving it because it's well written and I liked and rooted for Irian and Sera right away...very deft how you did that so economically and without telling. Hints of a romance here? Also, I was able to follow the story because you didn't confuse me with hundreds of strange names (at least, some in this genre seem to have a hundred names in the opening paragraphs.)

Best of luck on your way to the Editor's Desk.

Cheers,
Sheryl (please comment on mine when you have time...backing optional)

Hi SE,

An Intriguing opening. This is very well written with a great plot, characters and believable dialogue. You’ve created an authentic world that flew off the page. An enjoyable read. All the best.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Hi S.E.! I always end up starting my comment on books like yours with the disclaimer that this genre is not one I'm usually reading, but since I've been here in Authonomy I've read so many books from different genres that now I feel I can say I'm a fan of this type of work. Your book is especially good. I found it accessible, which, for me, is important given I don't read this type of book everyday. Your writing has a great visual style with wonderful descriptions. The tone is perfect and really sets the stage for this world right down to the names. And the emotions are relatable, regardless of genre. I found the end of chapter 3, for example, moving. Your book deserves to rise to the top. Well done! Best wishes for your writing.

Michael (a fellow Canadian from Montreal)
The Last Coming Out Story

You know, this reminds me hugely of one of my many started-and-abandoned trunk-novels - a not-quite-an-elf captive in a border castle, being tortured with iron. Just goes to show there's no such thing as an original idea :)

TomW already said most of what I felt about this opening chapter - nice clear story without too many characters being introduced, but the opening paragraph is a bit over-written and the scene with Sera a bit lacking in detail. I think it needs a bit more work before it's ready for the Editor's Desk, but I'll be back to read more out of curiosity!

Couple of nitpicks:

"Castle March's wide grey stone curtain walls" - I think 'stone' is overkill there, since castle walls are rarely made from anything else!

In the scene between Sera and Faella:
If you are aiming for an reasonably authentic medieval atmosphere, I would recommend a bit more research into vocabulary. "Sire" is a term of address - used as a noun it means "father" in a very biological sense! I would have been more comfortable with Faella saying "my lord" or "my lord father" rather than "my sire". Here's a webpage I've found useful - it's a bit later than medieval, historically, but should put you on the right track.

http://www.elizabethan.org/compendium/13.html

S.E.,

Here's my thoughts on your first chapter:

Very interesting opening. You reveal Irian to be a very effective leader, marksman, and swordsman all in a few paragraphs. You also raise the story question of why the h'atu are there. I agree with TomW that the first sentence is a bit too much. Sometimes less is more.

You also do a good job of introducing Sera, who you show to be compassionate and a bit rebellious (if only because she's willing to question and ask why?). And I dislike Faelle a lot, just for the record! I'll also echo TomW here too... I'd like to know a bit more about Sera's place.

Other than those minor crits, I really liked this first chapter and keep up the good work. You'll be on my shelf shortly ;)

Best Wishes,
Joseph

Comments on Chapters 1 and 2...

This is a good opening. I didn't find much to criticise, but plenty to commend. Unlike a lot of fantasy novels (probably including mine), I didn't feel drowned under information and names. You set your scene and quickly told us what we needed to know about the h'atu (or faeries, by another name?) Likewise, your characters were quickly and efficiently established. Your dialogue was also competent, natural sounding. Good job.

For the sake of a quibble, the opening paragraph, especially the first line, felt a trifle overdone, even for fantasy. It also seemed to indicate he was suffering in the sun, despite the fact the sunbeam had to fight its way through the leaves. Perhaps you can say he was hot because it's a hot day?

The other thing that occurs to me is I couldn't tell what Sera was supposed to be. A servant? Healer? It may be there, but it wasn't clear to me, other than Faella "out-ranked" her.

Nevertheless, I like this. More than good enough for a run on the old shelf.

Regards,

TomW

I do not nit pick. I read the book. I do not see commers or words. I see the story. I like pace. you have the pace. I like the book. backed.

now you're going to find me very dull as i nitpick about grammar. if you feel this is unhelpful and inappropriate, please do ignore it all. it's probably just me. it's a great opening passage with some good phrases.

'An encounter that set Irian's heart thudding.' This is not a sentence. phrases like this can be highly effective but be careful not to use too many.

'Elusive as foxes (nice image)..........soul' these sentences do not work grammatically. go back to basics and make sure things are nice and simple. capital letter, subject, verb, object, full stop. save the strange constructions for really important moments.

alternatively, you can get away with pretty much anything if you make it internal dialogue (in italics) rather than narrative. this could be effective too.

make your prose count (which is what i think you're trying to do with the punctuation) by choosing the precise, wonderful word you need. get a thesauraus and make love to it. they are excellent helpmeets.

'bade his soldiers spread out' - to bid does not take 'to'.

for your excellent-sounding plot and your lovely imagery i am happy to shelve this but i recommend you sort the grammar.

xx
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

dear SEK

you have been kind enough to review BLOGSPOT and here i am to read your book. i am commenting on the pitch first and in common with the majority on authonomy i find it raises more issues than it should. at the risk of moaning on the same theme once more, the pitch may be all your prospective agent reads. if it's no good, they bin the m/s.

LET ME SAY that the premise sounds really interesting and i am not prejudging your book - but others will.

often the writing in the novel is of a completely (higher) standard. so consider the following :

plan your pitch with a beginning, middle and end the way you did your book. check for constructions that don't work, typos, wrong use of words etc, the way you would in chapter one. use as wide and interesting a vocabulary as you can. in fact i'm going to copy this to a thread because it's certainly not just you i'm thinking of.

to be specific now,

1. legends become handed down - not a comfortable phrase

2. kills his childhood friend and love - it would be good to know what sex this person is. the name gives nothing away

3. the alien h'atu - explanation needed - the pitch is not a place for obfuscation. is this the name of the race? the species? are we supposed to know?

4. That ship is contaminating the land with radiation. Irian is saved from near death by those whom he considers gods. But can nanobots be gods? - this would be a neater way with these sentences.

5. Has Irian brought salvation... not bought

6. one who uses the land...one who ride the wind - this doesn't work. decided singular or plural for the verb. i recommend singular.

7. both want answers - to what?

8. why is IH 'the key to a complex puzzle'?

9. what is the complex puzzle?


the ending is good.
moving on.
maitreyi
BLOGSPOT

Robust, highly commercial fantasy. This is a popular genre worldwide, so wishing Justice Served every future success.

Hi, i really like this. Well written fantasy is short on the ground these days and this for me at any rate fills the gap rather nicely. As you know i popped you on my shelf a couple of days ago. I just wanted to wish you all the best with this, good luck :)

Susie

Hello SEK - as promised. Liked your pitch which made me think you might enjoy Greta's 'Icarus Lost' on this site. Drop by, if you've not already, and tell her I sent you. You'll get a laugh if nothing else, and I'm sure she'd return the read. This was a perfectly competent opening. Just when I was going to say that some readers (not me - I can bleddin' talk) might clamour for some dialogue, you wheel it out masterfully. Some lovely imagery and descriptions too. Nice work. Your names are also inventive and plausible. Hard to do, I imagine. Couldn't find any typos or other solecisms. Worth a moment, therefore, on the old shelf. Best of luck with it - sestius

Your cover grabbed my attention right away. I love stories about ancient times, knights and castles and you have presented a treat. I'm hopeless at faulting others so you won't get that from me but you will get praise and a spot on the bookshelf.
All the best,
Eric

Blimey, your pitch was complicated! I had to read it twice and then I thought, ‘That’s quite interesting’. On a deep level, it seemed to be about the misunderstandings that arise when a technological culture (radition, nanobots, machines) meets a non-technological one.

Chapter one, however, fully engaged me. What fascinated me here was the ambivalence of the h’atu. Yes, they used to be the enemies of mankind, and yes, they used powerful magic, but that was a long time ago, and this couple don’t seem to be harmful. And “Irian was surprised when the second h’atu did not run but knelt by his fallen comrade, a cry of anguish leaving him.” There’s more to these two than meets the eye, and thus the words of your pitch, “When Legends become handed down, how is anyone supposed to know truth from lie?” are explained. We sympathise with Sera later when she takes issue with Faella about the feverish h’atu.

This is well written and thought-provoking. You’re symbolically taking on racial prejudice here, among a host of other issues. Irian comes across as brave and resourceful and Sera as sensitive and considerate. A powerful combination.

Bookshelved.

Bren Verrill
The Weird Problem of Good.

Great sense of plot, pace and characterisation move this novel swiftly forward at an enjoyable pace. You portray the fantasy world well and there is enough of a pull here to make me want to see more chapters added to the site soon. Shelved.

I was absorbed within your tale. You have good solid characters that help draw the reader in. At the same time you have left enough space for my imagination. Added these to a good plot and I believe this is a really winner. I shall be adding this to my shelf when I move it around on Sunday.

An original idea and good writing overall. Definitely not my genre, but this is the kind of story that will engage so many readers - and there was a lot here that I enjoyed.

I found, Justice Served, to be well written. It’s difficult enough to suspend disbelief with one’s writing under ordinary circumstances, but when fantastic elements are introduced it becomes even more so. You’ve done it quite well. It’s on the shelf.

I think there is a word missing in the first chapter. In the paragraph that begins: Unfortunately, Irian never did get to question him…

The sentence that reads: Tigh was steady enough not be manipulated…

Some of the paragraphs seem a little long. But I’ve been dinged for this as well.

I hope this helps.

Bob Avey

You might put something up for your bio, just to bring more attention to your work. It’s one of the ways people find your writing. I just happened to come across you in the forums, or I might not have found this entertaining book. I'm glad I did find it!

Chapter 1

>Until one saw the golden eyes…
This sentence doesn’t really need a semi-colon—maybe just a hyphen or ellipses. And you might consider “one’s soul,” since “their” doesn’t match the antecedent of “one.” Then again, there’s always stylistic choice in creative writing.

You leap right into an action sequence, and it works well here, yanking the reader in. Then you slowly reveal a little bit of the background and mythology, mostly by going into the main character’s pondering about what just happened.

Chapter 2

You do a good job here of evoking a growing sense of dread.

“You don’t know me. Don’t even know my name.”

“I have no wish to.”

Ouch! The dialogue is strong and realistic. I also like the detailed descriptions of the settings.

Please read and comment on any of the four short stories I posted from my West Texas fiction collection The Acorn Stories.

From the cover, I expected a tale of the crusades but I was soon drawn into this instead. To me, this is a great direction to approach the story and a very clever way to show both sides. Nothing is wasted and the story flows. I would buy this book after scanning it in the store. On my shelf. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi S.E.

I"m going to give you a pretty honest review -- and for good reason. This story is very moving and sucked me right in. I even choked up a little when Sera died. I think this has a ton of potential and I don't want it to be overlooked for some easy fixes. So....in an effort to make sure that this great story sees an editor's desk, here are a few things to check:

Watch for consistency. For example, in the first chapter you have Irian in the shadows, and yet he's sweating in the sunlight in the next sentence. That's not possible. There were a few other instances of that. Do a close reread to root them out.

Until one saw the golden beast-eyes, eyes one didn't dare look into unless one wanted to lose their soul
(overuse of one and pronoun agreement ) This is an echo. You used the word "one" three times here. It's an easy fix...just watch for repeated words Also, there is a less convoluted way to say this. You didn't look into the beast's golden eyes unless you wanted to risk your soul....or something like that. Unwinding a few of the more unwieldy sentences will do wonders.

Beware too much of a good thing. Your descriptions are very good, but a few times they bogged down the story. Keep us moving.

Okay, this is a nit of mine, so please, take it or leave it. Odd combinations:
Men man-handled (echo), stone curtains (the way I read it sounded like real curtains, not curtain shaped), Childbed (childbirth?), breath rattled with fever (breath can rattle, but not with fever...) Hair can't tussle, it can be tousled.

POV got a little confusing at the end of chapter 2. Call out who is speaking/thinking/acting a little more. Not much, just a little.

Began to smile....this is something a really good editor friend of mine called "waffling." He smiled. You can start to do some things (laugh, cry, cough) but actions like this are better to be active.

I think there was an issue with the formatting...the plain text tags came through. One thing...unless it's a book title, always use italics for emphasis. That's just the most well-known convention.

I know this was a lot of highly picky stuff. If I didn't love this book so much, I wouldn't have spent this much time or been this detailed. A good hard beta read with someone who knows editing would be a really good thing. It will shine and sparkle after that, because the story is lovely.

Thanks for the captivating read. I hope something here is helpful. I am definitely keeping this on my WL and will be back once you post more. Please drop me a message when you do, because I'm dying to know what comes next.

Thanks for your review/backing too!

KinDallas
SWITCH

Hi there,
I was drawn into this straight away, you have created a real atmosphere here which shows us the world you are describing.
I like Irian, what a dreadful thing for him to have to deal with, you show his emotions well and I feel I get to know him quite quickly. I am so rooting for him and wanting him to discover that the death of Sera was not his fault.
You have a strong voice, the dialogue is well constructed and seems realistic to me, this helps to bring your characters alive.
I am not going to nit-pick the technical stuff as there are plenty of others here who will do that for you.
I enjoyed this and it's SHELVED! Are you going to post more chapters?
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

You very quickly paint a vivid picture of the World in which this is set, and build the story well within that. I enjoyed reading, quickly getting a grasp of the World and its charactors. Good luck with it! Backed.

-Jenny-

I'm captivated. Very effective worldbuilding, and I loved Sera's stand (& the clink of bars!). Great start. I have a few quibbles about expression, every now & then. First sentence, 'beam of sunlight...fought its way through .. to land on ..head', sorry, I found this comical, as in overdone. Maybe tone it down a bit? 'Unhand my arm and I will not' - to me, just 'Unhand me and ...' sounds more natural speech. 'uncanny golden eyes', yes, I'm always interested in golden eyes, and I always wonder about irises? no irises? etc. I would like to picture these uncanny eyes a bit more easily. Also, 'silent hand signal' - I thought all hand signals were silent (delete 'silent'?) One general point, I thought the title was a bit on the cliche side, but maybe I've just seen too many swords in titles, reading fantasy over the years.
Apart from that, it took a while to arrive at Sera's rank vis a vis Faella (maid in waiting, I finally discovered). Just wondered if that bit of info. could be dropped in earlier. As is, she seems very bold to be arguing with a princess, and I couldn't tell if perhaps there was some tie of blood to justify it. Still, loving it. Happy to back this one. Are you in the process of uploading a good cover? That will help. All the best.