Changing Places

I am reading your book and am at the 13th chapter. I remember feeling just like Anna when I was around her age. It was the lack of power.
I do like this book and will finish it. Thanks for writing it.

Hi Clarissa,
Not forgetting your book.
Will get back again shortly.
Good luck.
Pat

This is a fun story with some wonderful characters. I enjoyed reading all of it. SHelved.

Clarissa,

Here's my thoughts on your first chapter:

I like your character's voice. She sounds a bit older here and there, but overall I think you do a good job of capturing a young girls thoughts very well.

I smiled at the threat to tie Katie's hair into knots... it made me smile ;)

I would watch out for the occasional repetition (ex: had heard it all before... had heard it all before; how could her parents be so selfish... how could they be selfish; something you have to learn to accept... look at your sister, she seems to be accepting it much better than you.) Some of these repititions are unnecessary and others could be more powerfully worded, especially the last one... which triggers Anna's freak out moment and deserves a sharper line like. Also I'd suggest having the mother mention Katie's name when she tries to draw a reaction from Anna. It'll be a nice lead into Anna's derisive repetition of her sister's name (yes, not all repetition is bad ;)

Also I noticed unnecessary "hads" here and there. For the most part, these can be dropped without affecting the meaning of your sentences. Hads are useful for indicating posession and as transition markers at the beginning and end of flashbacks (with the verbs in the middle being mostly normal past tense).

I do like how authenic your dialogue reads. It sounds like real people, but still has a definite purpose behind each line. Well done ;) I especially liked Anna saying, "Selfish" under her breath... such a good line. (and yet anyother example of less being more in writing ;)

The mini flashback about her fahter breaking the news slowed the chapter down for me. Not sure you should cut them, but I thought I'd mention that they did stop the action, especially after that powerful "selfish" line. The last paragraph is well written and a nice hook into the next chapter.

Overall, I really liked your narrative voice and your dialogue. There were a couple points of cocern for me, but nothing major, just polishing. Keep up the good work! Your book will be shelved shortly ;)

Best Wishes,
Joseph

Dear Clarissa,

Good strong voice of the girl. Wondering how far she is from home, wondering about her Gran – makes her very human.

However, this 12-year-old sometimes sounds a bit too mature for her age, ie "Her only grandmother," "beginning to deteriorate."

That said, I like her immediate understanding that when Dad brings presents, he's up to no good.

The 6-year-old Katie, giggling at baboons is a delight.

This looks to be a promising story that many of your YA readers will be able to relate to – the alienation from peers and loved ones, whether geographical or emotional, that often comes with the growing pains of an adolescent. Shelved.

Dear Clarissa,
For now, just commenting on your two pitches. Will be back to read further later.

On the quick pitch: A move by itself is not that dramatic. People do it all the time. Can you think of a steeper consequence to put in the quick pitch that might be more evocative? Or something more colorful, more specific just to Anna herself? Something that might resound with the YA reader?

On the long pitch: Perhaps pare down the general references, ie new school, new friends, different culture into just one very strong reference.
"should she stay and fight…" fight what? Fight who?"
Will Anna's choice really tear her family apart forever? Given the scenario above, going home to visit Grandma doesn't seem like this will cause an irreparable rift. Making the last sentence read as a bit over-the-top.
Looking forward to more later.

Dear Clarissa,
I just finished chapter two and really like the flow of the story. I have one thought and you may disagree with me on this. If Anna started out in the USA and doesn't want to go to London, why is she calling her mother "mum" in the second chapter? Most children in the United States use the term "mom" to refer to their mothers. In fact, I have never heard any of my students (and I've been teaching for 24 years) refer to their mothers as "mum." Maybe she could change over to "mum" later in the book after she's been in London for a while. Just a thought. I really like the story. It's on my shelf.
Mary Wilkinson

Hi Clarissa,

I think this is really good. I love your writing style, which is simple and straightforward without trying to be too "clever". It's a simple story with a handful of nicely crafted characters. You generate a lot of sympathy for the protagonist and make us dislike Dad and Vicky. The only thing that didn't quite work for me was the way you note who was saying what. There were an awful lot of "muttered under her breath", "huffed", "demanded", and "announced"'s, where a simple "said" would do. Or sometimes you don't even need a "said" if you can describe the action. For example, where you write, "What about me?" Katie demanded. "What do I get to do?", you could write something like. Katie tugged at Richard's sleeve. "What about me? What do I get to do?"

Just a thought! Really good writing generally, so on my shelf! I can see this one shooting up the rankings.

Rob

I envy your easy way of story-telling. You make the process seem deceptively simple. I don't think I could have kept anyone's interest in a domestic plane flight the way you have done. On my shelf to continue reading. Patrick Barrett (Shakespeares Cuthbert)

Hi Clarissa

This is well written and I'm happy to back it for a while on the strength of that alone -good luck with it!

Anthony
('Houses of Sand')

Dear Clarissa,
Wow! I read chapter one, and this book is off to a good start. This chapter ends almost like mine, with the character starting a new chapter in their life that they don't want to start. I'm going to read more later, but I will probably end up shelving this one. I wish you the best.
Mary Wilkinson

Hi Clarissa. I got your message and took a look at your first three chapters. The story is well-written, and if I am supposed to hate the father, then you have done a great job! I think the pacing is pretty good. I know that one reviewer said he was waiting for something to happen as he was reading, but I think that you set up Anna's venture to a new school exactly as you should. I also like that you have already established Vicky's personality. Now the reader has a specific reason to worry about Anna when she heads off to school in chapter four. It is a little hard to believe a man would call his wife and only one of his daughters "my two honeys," completely ignoring Anna, but if he is supposed to be entirely selfish, then it works. I need to keep reading this because, for some reason, I want to meet Anna's grandma. Can't imagine how powerful those scenes are.

I have a short story collection (in progress) and a completed middle-grade sci-fi book (first in a series I want to get published) posted here. Would you be willing to look at the middle-reader? It's called "Down There: Secret of the Snahmu." Thanks!

Travis (AKA Michael Rivers)

I love this! As a continent-swapper myself, I find Katie's perspective understandable. The writing is clear, engaging, funny but also emotional- I feel sad for Katie's predicament, but also for her family (after the silent treatment!) you paint the little sister well. I love the 'threaten to tie her hair in knots' part!

The only two little things I can see that I might change were:

1) "she hated sounding like a child but couldn't help herslef." How about ending the paragraph there? It leaves us with the irony that she is a child, yet doesn't want to be. I don't think you need the sentence just after it.

2) "even though she loved and was dying to read them" could just be "even though she was dying to read them."

Great work! I will back this and come back to read more. Where is your profile picture? You might have more luck getting people to read this with a picture- it doesn't have to be you. Just something so you're not an anonymous head. An airplane or something? Anyway, I will come back to comment on more chapters later.

Giulietta

Hi Clarissa,
It's a pleasure to read something so professionally written. I think you get inside the head of a 12 year old girl very well - shelved.

Before I say anything else, I'll just remind you I'm a writer who has never sold anything and you should bear that in mind. It is also just one persons opinion.

There are no technical problems with your story or your writing, but in my opinion you have some narrative and pacing issues. Though this story starts well with the fight in the plane, it then meanders and by chapter four I was asking myself, when is something going to happen?

In a linear temporal narrative (without flashbacks or fowards) you need to generate story highlights (or lowlights) to hook your young readers. You miss an opportunity to do this both at the house and in the first meeting with Vicky.

Your book is so well written that I hesitated to tell you this, but then, what else is the point of Authonomy?

One possibility is to add a prologue pointing to troubles ahead, to give the readers motivation to find out what happens, but I think you need to say to yourself, 'what did I give my readers this chapter?', to enjoy, to stimulate, to anticipate, to laugh over, to be afraid of, etc.

Please feel free to come over and point out my lack of writing skills in Shaddowdon, as you did invite me over. I can assure you there are many.

John Booth (Shaddowdon)

I liked the book. I liked the struggle she had with the move and I like how it was described. Good work, just because a book if for children doesn't make the writing any easier.
Jeannette Katzir (Broken Birds)

Hi Clarissa,

Wonderful book! Very well written. I think this book is perfect for it's target audience.

Philip S.

Changing Places

Hi Clarissa, I like this, I like the main character, extremely intelligent, emotionally savvy and perhaps, I suspect, more mature than her own father. The reality of moving home and starting a new life makes for compelling reading when told from the YA perspective, I am sure many children will identify with these feelings. Your writing is unpretentious and your characterisations are quietly normal, meaning, that they were people that seemed very believable. A good, solid start...you have set up the conflict for the main character very well. Anna's analysis of her Dad is withering, she is quite a precocious 11 year old, a character that would really be interesting to watch develop. Good job, best wishes and good luck - Andrew W.

Hi Clarissa,

Further to my comments the other day, I've now put Changing Places on my shelf.

Good luck with it's progress.

Joanna

i found this story compelling from the start - we sympathize with anna's plight whilst at the same time thinking slightly 'pull yourself together and stop sulking!' i found myself quickly drawn into it, wanting to know how the next of anna's trials went. her thoughts are realistic for a girl of her age and background, and the dialogue works well too. i was wondering if the school she is sent to in real life is south hampstead?? they used to have a head mistress called mrs ainley!
just a couple of very minor things - i assumed it was set in the present day until anna's dad bought her a type writer, then i was a little confused as to when it was set, so i wonder if this is worth clarifying? also in chapter 1 you have her life being 'uplifted', perhaps 'uprooted' might be more appropriate?
as i say, minor things. i very much enjoyed reading it.
best of luck with it!
eva (clara moon)

How mny people wonder what if? I liked this, you drew me into Anna's mind and her inner turmoil. Nice writing. I enjoyed this. Happy to shelve and wish you the best of luck with it.

Clarissa,

Nicely written novel! Im shelving it.

Hi Clarissa,

Ah, the power of silence - far more effecive than rages. Two weeks, poor Julia. And then, unexpectely she breaks it. What a relief. You've drawn this very well, Anna's unhappiness at being uprooted from her gran and friends, Katies excitement and Julia trying to do the best she can.

This is going on my Watch Till till I make room on my shelf.

Best wishes,

Joanna

Hi Clarissa,
You often hear about people making theses enormous steps in their lives but it's rarely written about. I think this is ideal for your target audience, firstly for those who have experienced the trauma of moving and secondly for those who haven't but could do with seeing how it is.
Anna is very believable, I am rooting for her from the start. You show us how she tries to fit in, this is well done, IMO, you make it very real. And then the final choice that she has to make, well, what a dilemma.
This really is very good, you show the family and friend relationships well, the narrative is strong and the dialogue brings your characters to life. This should be in schools.
SHELVED!
Bests,
AnnabelleP
(Adelaide Short)

Hi Clarissa,

Great story. I loved the pitch, I was drawn in straight away.

One sentence interrupted the flow: The moment her father’s new had escaped his lips, Anna’s life became a serious of slow motion flashed. News is missing an s and series instead of serious.

It’s sad how Jack forgot to hug Anna. Your characters are very believable and the story is wonderful so far.

I think many young audiences will be able to relate to Anna. You write very well and I’m certain this book will be a popular one on this site.

Shelved!

Shinzy :)

Having been pulled around to several different places during my childhood, I can relate to your protagonist's angst, as will many YA's.

I'm giving your book a spin on my shelf.

Best,
Janet
(Nicholas Farraday & The Mystery of the Dropa Stones)

Hi Clarissa,
On my watchlist. Your synopsis drew me in. I will get back with comments later.
Regards.
Pat.

Just another short note to let you know that I have read up till chapter 3 now, and am still liking it, and curious as to what is going to happen. Will get back to it as soon as I can.

I have read the first chapter, and I can honestly say that I liked it a lot. When I read a children's book, I try to remember myself as a child, and the books I loved reading there, and thinking whether this would have been enjoyable or not. And your opening chapter has worked like a charm.

There are a few lines here and there that could be removed to make the narrative flow easier, but although it would be better without them, I still think this has potential. An example: "...she was not prepared for the news to come. The news that her entire life would be uplifted, that she would have to leave the only home she ever knew." I think that maybe this could work better if the last sentence was removed, as we already know that her whole life had changed when she was told the news. You managed to show us that without having to say it, so this sentence is quite obsolete.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this. Shelved.